Work Text:
Love's Bitches
by Saone
"Gahhh, this stuff is disgusting."
"It gets the job done."
"What job would that be exactly?"
"I don't know about you mate, but I plan on using tonight to get thoroughly sloshed."
"Sloshed? Huh, that sounds like something I should try."
"How old are you?"
"Eighteen."
"You mean to tell me that in all your eighteen years of existence you have never once gotten drunk?"
"Um, no."
"You have led a very sheltered life Xander."
"Yeah, fighting vampires, demons, and other assorted creatures of the night really cut into my getting drunk time."
"I don't feel like putting up with a smart arse tonight so could you shut you hole? Besides I really shouldn't break my promise to the slayer already."
"What promise?"
"I gave her my word that I wouldn't rip your throat
out."
". . ."
"What, no wry comment, no witty retort?"
"Well, I kinda like having my throat where it is."
"Oh. You know I would never really hurt you."
"Oookay, um not to look a gift vampire in the mouth but why not?"
"I like you Xander."
"You do! Should I be frightened now?"
"You annoy the shit out of Angel, that puts you on my good list."
"Oh. So you hate Deadboy as much as I do, huh."
"Deadboy?"
"Yeah, Angel? You know Soulboy, Oh Brooding One, King of Angst."
"Him and that damn soul of his!"
"I know why I hate him but what did he do to you, besides kill you and turn you into a demon?"
"Hey, that was his one redeeming point."
"Sorry."
"Angelus was a boneafide, royal prick. Waltzing into the warehouse like he owned the underworld. Making all those speedracer jokes, at my expense, bloody wheelchair. . . It's not funny Xander!"
"I know."
"Then stop laughing before I disembowel you."
"Sorry."
"You should be. Now, where was I? Oh and Dru, he destroyed what I had with Dru. It might not have been love but it was something damn it."
"I never had the chance to have anything with Buffy."
"One hundred years of being together, do you know the first thing she asked me when she woke up after we had left this hellhole?"
"No what?"
"Where's my Angel? Can you believe it? Not where are we or why did you beat me unconscious but 'Where's my Angel'.
"God, what the hell is it about him?"
"He's always had that effect on women. You should have seen him a hundred and twenty years ago. Cor, it was enough to make you wanna vomit."
"Maybe it's the hair? You have to admit he's got great hair."
"I have great hair!"
"I didn't say you didn't."
"My hair can be just as poofy as Angel's."
"I'm sure it can."
"Bloody wanker, with his bloody gel and bloody mousse and bloody con. . ."
"Spike, Spike you have gorgeous hair!"
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Its really nice of you to say that Xander. You have really nice hair too."
"Thanks. Um Spike?
"Yeah mate."
"How much did you have to drink before I got here?"
"Three bottles."
"Three bottles of whiskey?"
"Un huh."
"Are you aware that you're hugging me?"
"Un huh."
"Do you think this might be a sign that maybe you've had a little too much to drink?"
"Why?"
"Well, last week we were mortal enemies and now, here we are sharing a bottle of whiskey and . . . hugging. It's kinda freaksome."
"Xander, do you know what your problem is?"
"Oh, I have so many to choose from."
"You're too damn sober."
"I'll drink to that. Gimmie the bottle."
"That's my boy."
end