SquidgeWorld Archive

Harm gripped the champagne flutes in his hands as he threaded his way through the crowd, pushing back a sudden surge of claustrophobia and wondering all over again why he'd agreed to spend New Year's Eve on board a train. He didn't even like trains, they were noisy and slow-moving and he'd far rather be up in the sky than speeding along the railway through the Virginia countryside. Not to mention this little party his date had insisted they attend was more boring than a Navy ball, only there was no way to escape until they pulled back in at the station. Which wouldn't happen until long after midnight, and it was currently...he twisted his wrist at an angle, trying not to spill his date's champagne as he looked at his watch. 10:00 - he let out a labored sigh and squared his shoulders, telling himself he could get through a few more hours of boring party chatter.

Why did he even agree to go on this date in the first place? His date was beautiful, sure, and their first couple dates had been nice enough. New Year's Eve was sort of a couples event, though, and he wouldn't consider Jenna and himself a couple. Not after a handful of dinners and a couple phone calls. They were bordering on friends at best - okay, the goodnight kisses pushed them beyond the definition of strict 'friendship', but that was as far as it had gone so far. So far. He wasn't stupid, he knew where they were heading and agreeing to spend New Year's with her just cemented his commitment to the relationship she expected from him.

Even if he didn't want to admit it to himself he knew what he was doing there, though - he knew exactly why he'd agreed to spend New Year's pretending to be half of a couple instead of spending the night alone in his loft. That's what it all boiled down to, the holidays were lonely for a single guy. Sure, he had his mom and step-dad and a seemingly endless barrage of Navy functions to distract him, but unless he took leave to spend the holidays with his parents there wasn't much to keep him busy while most people were celebrating with their families.

He shook his head to chase away the depressing thought and scanned the crowded car for his date, his eyes finally landing on Jenna. She was standing next to a tall blonde, her hands moving as she told an obviously lively story. He steeled himself for yet another introduction to someone he wouldn't remember and made his way across the car, stopping next to Jenna and handing her a glass of champagne.

"There you are," Jenna said, smiling up at him as she took the drink. "Harm, I'd like you to meet Miranda Collins. Miranda, this is Lieutenant Commander Harmon Rabb Jr."

"Harm, please," Harm added, pasting his most charming grin on his face as he held out his hand to the blonde. She was beautiful, that much was a given. Her green eyes sparkled with life and he found himself drawn to her instantly, there was a warmth about her that was unmistakable. In a way it almost seemed as though he'd seen her before somewhere, but if he had he would have remembered. Hers wasn't the type of face you forgot.

"Nice to meet you, Harm," Miranda answered. "Jenna and I were just catching up, we were in the same sorority back in school. Tell you what, why don't you join our table? There's plenty of room."

"We'd love to," Jenna answered for both of them, sparing a glance at Harm before she followed Miranda to a table near the back of the train car. Harm stifled a frustrated sigh and followed his date and her friend, resigning himself to a boring evening listening to the two of them relive their college days. Still, at least that meant he wouldn't have to hold up his end of the conversation, so in a way he should be grateful.

He stopped next to the table and held Jenna's glass while she slid into her seat, his signature grin still plastered to his face as he waited for Miranda to sit down. When they were both seated and talking a mile a minute about some mutual friend he leaned back in his seat and let his mind wander, his gaze scanning the other partygoers without really seeing any of them. Maybe he should have stayed home after all, watching the ball drop in Times Square with a beer and a salad couldn't have been any worse than sitting in a roomful of strangers all night. Even if he wanted to think up an excuse and go home early he couldn't, though - for all rights and purposes they were willing hostages until the train pulled into the station. Then there was still the drive home and an awkward goodnight with his date, who he was sure would expect him to want to spend the night sometime soon.

*It's not that bad*, he told himself, but as soon as the thought formed another voice told him that it could be a lot better. He ignored both voices and turned back to his champagne, picking it up and then putting it back down again without taking a drink. It was just sex, nothing wrong with that. So maybe Jenna wasn't his ideal, but she fit into the image of a single, successful career military man's lifestyle. That was the most important thing and he just had to keep his mind focused on the bigger picture. He'd lived a strictly heterosexual lifestyle since college, there was no reason he couldn't keep right on doing just that. Anyway, even if he was dating a man he'd still be feeling alone over the holidays. It wasn't like he could go falling in love with a man, there was no way to reconcile that with his career. So either way he'd still be in the same situation on New Year's Eve, which meant he might as well stop feeling sorry for himself and at least try to have a good time.

"There you are," Miranda said suddenly, drawing Harm's attention back to the women at the table just as someone stopped next to them. He looked up and his breath caught in his throat as his gaze locked with the last person he'd expected to run into on a train, of all places. "Clay, this is my sorority sister Jenna McIntyre. And her date..."

"Rabb," Clay interrupted the blonde, "what are you doing here?"

"Always a pleasure, Webb," Harm answered, the surge of anger he felt at Clay's abrupt greeting surprising even him. Granted he hadn't expected to run into the CIA agent either but he'd done his best over the years to try to get along with Webb, and every time he tried the other man pushed him away as hard as he could. He wasn't even sure why it mattered to him, or why he tried in the first place. They didn't really know each other, they barely worked together and Webb only lowered himself to deal with Harm when he needed something.

Clay held his gaze for another beat before visibly relaxing and shifting his attention to Harm's date. "Clayton Webb. It's nice to see Miranda found herself someone more entertaining than me to talk to."

"You're plenty entertaining, Clay," Miranda insisted as she moved over so he could sit across from Harm. "That is if you'd stay put for more than five minutes at a time. Honestly, I might as well have come to this thing alone."

"Sorry," Clay said, turning to his date with a genuine smile. Harm watched curiously, his mind racing over the few sporadic dealings he'd had with Clay over the years as he tried to remember if he'd ever actually seen the man smile before. It looked good on him, Harm decided, but as soon as the thought occurred to him he squashed it. There was no way he was going down that road, no matter how bored he was.

"It's okay, I'm used to it," Miranda answered with an exaggerated sigh. Her smile betrayed her obvious affection for the man, though, and she slipped her arm through his and leaned toward the couple across the table. "Anyway, since you and Harm here already know one another maybe you'll stay put for awhile. At least I found someone you can talk shop with, since that's the only thing that seems to hold your interest these days."

Clay scowled at her but there was actually amusement shining in his eyes, and Harm wasn't sure how to react to seeing this side of his colleague. He was sure now that he'd never actually seen Webb smile, because if he had he would have noticed the tiny laugh lines around his eyes and the way the expression took years off his face. He was dressed in an expensive-looking tux and there was no sign of the trench coat Harm would never have been able to picture him without. Maybe Harm was more bored than he thought, but he found himself admitting for the first time that Webb was an attractive man.

He checked the urge to roll his eyes at himself and glanced over at his date to find Jenna studying him carefully. He forced himself to relax and grinned at her, hoping that would be enough to stop her from thinking whatever she'd been thinking when he caught her looking at him. Whatever it was, he was sure it couldn't have been good. Then again maybe he was just being paranoid, lately he'd gotten to the point where he couldn't even stand to be in his own skin. Why a strong, together woman like Jenna wanted to be around him at all completely escaped him, especially considering he wasn't capable of giving her his full attention.

"Oh, speaking of running out on our dates, Jen, you'll never guess who's here," Miranda said suddenly, nudging Clay until he stood up and held her chair for her. "Cassie Lohman's here somewhere and you have *got* to see who she married." Miranda grinned at Harm as he stood up and let Jenna out so she could follow her friend into the crowd. "I promise I won't keep her long," Miranda called back over her shoulder as he settled back into his chair.

As soon as the women were gone Harm glanced over at Clay, part of him surprised to see the other man still sitting there. He wasn't looking at Harm, but he didn't appear to be poised to make a run for it either and that alone confused the taller man. Clayton Webb had never made a pretense of liking him, so he should have no problem leaving Harm alone at the table while he went off to find someone more suitable to occupy his time.

"Small world," Harm finally said, stifling a gasp when Webb's eyes swung toward him and fixed him with a curious gaze.

A short laugh escaped Clay's throat but he didn't quite smile at the other man, and Harm began to shift uncomfortably under his gaze. His years as a lawyer for JAG had taught him how to keep his cool under the most intense scrutiny, but Webb had always had a knack for knocking him off balance. It was the reason he kept trying to extend the hand of friendship to him, or at the very least call some sort of truce in the animosity they seemed to have cultivated over the years. At least Harm thought that was the reason...it had to be, because the only other explanation was too humiliating to consider.

"Your date's very attractive," Clay finally said, his gaze never leaving Harm's face. "So what's wrong with her?"

"There's nothing wrong with her," Harm answered quickly, his temper flaring as soon as he caught the amusement in Clay's eyes. Instantly he regretted reacting to the obvious bait, but for some reason Webb could get under his skin better than anyone he knew. That nagging voice of reason in the back of his mind popped up again, telling him that maybe Clay had a point. Jenna was beautiful, but shouldn't she know there was something not quite right about Harm? Renee had seen it, that was why she finally gave up on him. Even Mac knew, whether either of them suspected the truth or if they just gave up fighting the inevitable he couldn't be sure, but either way Mac knew he wouldn't be able to give her the commitment she was looking for. *So Jenna will figure it out too, just give her time*.

Harm scowled and shook his head to chase the thought out of his mind, telling himself he wasn't going to let Webb bait him into an argument. He didn't want to fight with the man, not here and definitely not tonight. "I didn't realize your career left you time for a social life," he finally added, pleased with himself for keeping his tone even as he crossed his arms over his chest and smirked at Clay.

"I'd hardly call this a social life," Clay answered without missing a beat, and Harm had to remind himself not to react when Clay mirrored his smirk. "But contrary to what you might think I do have a life, Commander."

Harm bit his tongue to keep from asking Webb to elaborate on his last statement. It wasn't any of his business what the man did with his spare time, and even if he cared, which he didn't, he wasn't about to open himself up to more ridicule from Webb. He still remembered very clearly the sting behind Webb's words when he'd sneered at Harm not to try to bond with him, and he was well aware that Clayton Webb wasn't interested in being his friend. Why that bothered him was still a mystery, one that he'd probably never solve.

"Congratulations," Harm said evenly, his smirk shifting to a small grin. "Miranda seems nice. I'd ask what she's doing here with you but you wouldn't tell me anyway."

Clay laughed then, a genuine, warm laugh that surprised Harm into an even more genuine smile. "Miranda and I go way back. She's an amazing woman."

"She's beautiful," Harm said, somehow managing not to flinch under the other man's steady gaze. "In fact she looks familiar but I can't quite place her."

"Don't hurt yourself trying to remember, Rabb. You've never dated her. You're not her type."

Harm laughed, raising one eyebrow as he leaned forward on the table. "Well she's here with you, I'd say that's a pretty good argument for me not being her type."

"I have a feeling I should be insulted." Clay smiled again and stood up, straightening his tuxedo jacket and glancing toward the opposite end of the train car. When he turned back to Harm his smile had faded, but there was still a hint of mischief in his eyes. "Don't worry, Rabb, I'm not her type either. If you'll excuse me there's someone I need to have a word with."

Harm nodded mutely and watched Clay's back disappear into the crowd, his mind reeling as he wondered if he was imagining things. Clay hadn't just implied...no, he hadn't, and even if he had it didn't make a difference, Harm reasoned. The man still didn't like him, he probably never would and for reasons that Harm would never know. Which was just as well, because even if Harm was interested in Webb there was no possibility that anything could happen between them. Clay was far too close to home for him to even entertain the thought, no matter how his eyes lit up when he laughed. Harm shook his head and stood up, telling himself to pull it together before he got himself in trouble. This kind of thinking was exactly what he'd spent the past ten years avoiding, and most of the time he could live with it. He just had to get through the next few hours and then he'd be back on solid ground and everything would make sense again.

He made his way to the bathroom and closed the door behind him, locking it and bracing himself against the sink as the train rocked underneath him. Under any other circumstances he might find the sense of motion comforting, but he was too confused by Webb's sudden appearance and the even more confusing attraction to the man to focus on the motion of the train. This was exactly what he didn't need in his life right now, he was completely focused on his career and he didn't have time to fight an attraction to someone that didn't even like him. Still, there was the way Webb had looked at him when he said the words 'I'm not her type either'. He couldn't help wondering, anyone would wonder if someone said something like that about their date. Wouldn't they?

A frustrated sigh escaped Harm's throat as he looked up into the small mirror over the sink, studying his eyes and the set of his jaw as he wondered if Clay could tell. Was it obvious just by looking at him what he'd spent so many years hiding? Webb didn't even know him, not really, so if he could tell then who else in his life was just waiting for him to finally come clean? Was it possible his friends, even his mother could tell what he'd thought was a carefully guarded secret? It all seemed so ridiculous, that he should have to keep who he was a secret from the people who were supposed to love him. Then again, he hadn't let anyone get close enough to him to see the truth in years. He didn't even let his mother and step-father in, a few phone calls and gifts on the holidays and that was pretty much the extent of it.

Even his relationships with women were more or less empty, he could never give them as much as they needed and they always walked away from him in the end. He was used to it, he did it on purpose because he knew he couldn't commit to marrying a woman and spending the rest of his life lying to her. If he took that final step she'd be able to tell, there was no way he could marry someone like Mac or Jenna and keep the truth from them forever. He liked to think he was very good at hiding that part of him from the rest of the world but he knew better than to think he could keep up the act with the same person for the rest of his life.

A knock sounded on the door and he ran his hands over his face, sighing again before he turned away from his reflection and pulled the bathroom door open. He flashed a tight-lipped smile at the woman on the other side of the door and stepped out of the tiny bathroom, scanning the crowd as he wandered through the party. Finally he ended up at the bar in the next car,
unwilling to go back to the table and sit there alone. He ordered a Scotch from the bartender and leaned against the polished bar, his gaze still wandering over the sea of faces in front of him.

As soon as he realized who he was looking for he flushed and turned his back on the crowd, picking up his Scotch and taking a long swallow. This was crazy, he was just bored and his mind was overcompensating by imagining scenarios that could never happen. No matter how much he wished...no, he did *not* wish anything. He shut the thought down before it even had a chance to form, unwilling to let himself take that last step. If he did there would be no turning back, he knew himself well enough to know he couldn't even let himself consider it. He was just bored, that was all. It was a boring party and his imagination was playing tricks on him.

"Drinking alone, Rabb?" The familiar voice cut through Harm's thoughts, and he winced as he set his drink down and turned to face Webb.

"Is it possible to be alone in a crowd this big?" Harm asked, his mouth betraying him and turning up in a small smile the minute he met the other man's gaze.

Clay laughed again, looking impossibly even more attractive than he had a few minutes ago at the table. "I think we both know the answer to that," he said, his voice low as he held Harm's gaze. A second later he turned away and signaled for the bartender, ordering two more Scotches before he turned back to the taller man. "It's possible to feel alone no matter where you are, Rabb. Any Navy man knows that. Those big freighters floating around in the middle of the ocean, months away from everything you know and love. No matter how many people are crawling around the insides of those things it's not that hard to feel alone, is it?"

Harm could only nod at the analogy, not trusting his voice not to betray him. For a second he'd thought Clay meant something else entirely, but he should have known better. He cleared his throat and downed the rest of his drink as the bartender set a fresh glass in front of him. "What would you know about serving aboard a Navy freighter?"

Clay smiled and shook his head as he picked up his own drink and threw a few bills on the bar. "It's hard to believe you've known me as long as you have and you're still asking stupid questions. I fear for your clients, Rabb, I really do."

"I'm very good at what I do," Harm muttered, doing his best to ignore the sting of Webb's latest insult. In a way the man was right, Harm had known him long enough not to expect a straight answer out of him. Clayton Webb seemed to know just about everything, either that or he was a master at pulling off cons. Neither scenario would really surprise Harm at this point, in fact nothing Clay said should surprise him. He'd been pushing the lawyer's buttons like a pro since the first day they met, and Harm just kept coming back for more.

"I'm sure you are," Clay said, but when Harm looked over at him the other man was leaning against the bar, scanning the crowd casually.

"This doesn't really seem like your scene, Webb," Harm said, picking up his drink and taking the opportunity to study the shorter man's profile. He'd never really thought of Webb as the party-going type, but as he looked at him he realized that Clay looked very much at home in the crowd. It certainly wasn't Harm's usual crowd, but he was used to being surrounded by uniforms at most of the formal parties he attended.

Clay glanced over at him and raised an eyebrow as Harm looked away and shifted his weight uncomfortably. "It's best not to argue with Miranda when she has her mind made up. I could think of better ways to spend my time, though."

Harm smiled but didn't look at him, sure that if he did Webb would be able to read exactly what he was thinking in his expression. And he couldn't be thinking things like that, because he knew it wouldn't do him any good and if anything he'd just make his already confusing life even worse. The last thing he needed was to start wondering what it would be like to kiss Clayton Webb, not when his cell phone could ring in the middle of the night and he'd hear that voice on the other end of the line. It was always unexpected, always caught him off guard but it was never unwelcome. He'd never really stopped to think about that before but now that he did it surprised him that he wasn't more shocked by it.

"You two must be fairly close," he finally said, venturing a quick glance over at the other man.

"If you must know Miranda and I have been friends most of our lives. We met in youth symphony orchestra. She plays the violin. In fact she's married to the first chair cellist for the Alexandria Symphony Orchestra."

"Married?" Harm echoed, the rest of Clay's description of his date lost on the lawyer as he zeroed in on the word that caught his attention.

"Yes, Rabb, married. Her husband's overseas so I'm the fill-in escort. I assure you, he knows she's safe with me." Clay raised one eyebrow and glanced over at the taller man, his gaze lingering on Harm's face just long enough for the meaning behind his words to sink in.

Harm felt his jaw drop and snapped it shut firmly, doing his best to contain his shock at the look on Clay's face. There was no way he was misinterpreting that, he'd been out of the loop for a long time but he still remembered what an innuendo looked like. It didn't come as such a shock that Webb would be gay, but the thought that he might be attracted to Harm just didn't make sense. He'd never showed even the slightest interest in Harm as a person, let alone a potential lover. Harm's face flushed again and he lifted his drink to his lips just to give himself something to do besides stare at Clay. He was sure the minute he looked over at the other man he'd find Webb laughing at him, amusing himself at Harm's expense because he could read him like a book.

Before Harm recovered enough to answer Clay cleared his throat and swallowed the rest of his drink, setting the glass back on the bar before he turned back to Harm. "We should be getting back to the table before Miranda calls out a search party. She likes to have an audience for her stories. Besides, I'm sure your date's wondering where you are."

"Right, we should get back," Harm answered, setting his own glass down and following Clay through the crowd. He wished his heart would stop pounding against his eardrums long enough for him to think, because he was sure if he just took a few minutes he could make some sense out of what was going on. Maybe Webb was on some kind of mission and he was messing with Harm's head on purpose to make him think he was insane. Maybe he needed a cover and he was enlisting Harm's help without bothering to tell him, it wouldn't be the first time after all. He shook his head and took a deep breath, steeling himself to get through the rest of the night so he could figure things out when he was finally alone. The only thing he knew for sure was that he didn't really know anything about Clayton Webb at all.

TBC