SquidgeWorld Archive

'Rrrrrriiiip.'

Simon froze as the sound of backside of the pants of his best three-piece suit tearing in the silent court room seemed to thunder in the echoing chamber. For a moment, silence continued, then titters from the spectators rippled through the court room, followed by the defendent laughing out loud. The lady judge was red-faced with the effort not to do the same. He cringed.

"Captain Banks?" She sputtered, "You are excused, to ummm...take care of...that...oh God, Court in in recess until 8 a.m. tomorrow morning." She banged her gavel, and at that point, Judge Hillard finally lost control and ran out of court, her laughter trailing behind her...

"Oh shit! Damn it, Rafe: What's your bloody chair doing out there? I think I busted my thumb on your friggin' desk, you prissy yank! Sweet Christ, that hurts!" Megan howled.

Jim got up and checked it for her: "It's only sprained, Megan. Go get some ice from the breakroom, and see if that helps." He sat back down to continue his share of the paperwork and jumped to his feet again at a shriek of pain from Rafe. "Ow! Oh shit! oh damn! Jezuuus, that's hot, damnit, damnit, damnit..." Rafe was straddling the water fountain soaking his crotch in it when Blair joined his mate.

"What happened, Jim? Is Rafe okay?"

"He'll be fine, but it would be safer, Brian, if you pour hot coffee somewhere other than your lap." Jim used his fingertips to pat Rafe's cheek insultingly. He laid his hand on the small of Blair's back and led him back to their desk.

"Damn, first Megan, now Rafe: Jim, I think we better keep our heads down..."

An hour later, a very, VERY late Brown entered the bullpen. Blair saw him first and his jaw sagged. "Oh. My. GAWD! What the HELL are you WEARING?" Blair shouted, "Christ, H., you can't go to court wearing THAT!"

"I can't believe he's wearing it in PUBLIC at all..." Breathed Jim in horrified awe. "Neon? Hot PINK? In a SUIT?" Him fell back against the desk, howling in laughter as a burbling Blair half-collasped into his arms, giggling helplessly.

Slinking, Simon tried to get to his office and his spare clothes without any of his detectives taking note of the damage to the ones he was already wearing. He stopped cold at the site of Det. Brown's "attaire", "Holy Shit, and I thought I was having a bad day! KERRIST, git that thing outta my bullpen, and go buy something else to wear. Of all the STUpid things to wear..."

"Hey Simon, what happened to your pants? You do KNOW, right?" Jim asked him

"Yeah, Ellison, I know. So does the whole damned court room...and I don't want to hear a WORD from you about it, either!"

A lone giggle from Blair's direction as Simon slammed his office door set the others off, and Banks flinched at the sound. He paused at the sound of a 'crunch' coming from under his foot, moved said foot, and realized he'd just broken his reading glassed. "DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!" He screamed.

Megan was being followed all over the P.D. by a 12 year old boy. The youngster sighed loudly every time she looked at him, his eyes glowing in adoration. Then the love poems began arriving, that and the candy. She could NOT get rid of the pint-sized would-be Romeo. It seemed that every time she gave him the slip, someone would tell him where she was...

Jim cocked his head, stared the men's room door, and smiled evilly. "This is going to be a GOOD one." He said happily as he reached for the desk phone to summon maintenence. He requested that Robert Hobbs, the station Mouth be sent up to the MC public men's room to un-stop the second commode. Fifteen minutes later, Hobb's roar of laughter echoed through-out the MC.

"You poor sonofabitch, whatchadoing plugging up my toilet with your little skinny ass? Oh, shit, you really are stuck in there, ain'tcha. Ain't no help for it, then. I'll go get some help to pull you outta that. By the way, detective, how did you manage to wedge your ass down that far into the toilet bowl, anyway?"

Hobbs had a big mouth and could NOT keep a secret. The first person he told was Brown, as he stared at the other man's pink suit. H., busy laughing at Rafe, managed to miskey on the computer keyboard and had deleted the last two weeks worth of reports before he realized it. More curses filled the air.

"What a day! At least nothing worse can happen!" Simon muttered as got out of his car and walked toward a teenager who'd been trying to flag a black and white: The other officer hadn't seen the girl.

Flashing his badge, he introduced himself and said: "What can I help you with?"

"There's somethin' in our back yard, and daddy's rottweiler's scare of it. I'm here alone and..." She trailed off, looking up at the big cop pleadingly. "I had to put Thompson in the house. He's a show dog, not a guard animal."

"Easy, I'll check it out." He reported it to dispatch, and went to see what would scare a dog of "Thompson's" breed. A few minutes later, just as Jim, Blair, and Rafe arrived as back up, a horrible stench overcame Jim, and a few seconds later, everyone else as well. Shortly thereafter, a small creature with a lovely black coat of fur...and two narrow white stripes sauntered out the gate leading to the girl's back yard. Simon followed...and it was he from which the...aroma...was coming.

"Lady, I'm not a zoo-keeper!"

"At least you know what the critters are, so I'll leave you to deal with the thing, Inspector Conner. I just evicted the former tenant, and the real keepers are presently trying to catch a tiger. Unless you'd rather..."

"NO! No, that's fine...I'll settle for the wombat."

"Good, because the federal D.A. has told me that the other animal is to be taken into immediate custody by your division, and kept by one of your people as well as well. That nice young fella in the burgundy pink suit is dealing with Lanny. That sweet little thing thinks your Detective Brown is wonderful. He was just loading him in the backseat of his car when I was told you were here to deal with "Buster". Thank you, Miss Conner. I have other things to see to, but I know you'll be fine..."

"A K9 officer? Simon, I don't want to be a K9 officer!"

"The Chief of Police insists that at least one officer in each division shall be one, and you're the only one I have that lives in your own house, and has a big fenced yard. That's it, Rafe. Now, here's your new 'partner'. He handed Brian the leash to a 6 month old puppy.

"Jesus, Simon! This is a St. Bernard!"

"A wombat! You got off with a wombat? Did you see what she stuck me with?" H. wailed. He pointed at a baby elephant in the break room.

The Sentinel and his guide were watching all of this with blatant fascination: And had a deskful of popcorn and other snacks in front of while doing so. For once, the pair were untouched by the events of ill-fortune plaguing Major Crimes...

"WHO'S here?" Simon asked in disbelief.

"Cascade KinderCare, sir. You've had this tour scheduled for three months...they're in your office."

"Oh, CRAP!" He whispered. "No more, not today...kerist!

Megan tensed as the high, clear voice cut across the bullpen. "Oh no, not that, not today..." She pleaded as the strains of Lionel Richie's "Lady" filled the air...sung by her "admirer", twelve-year-old Mackie Hursomed...

"He's wrecked the house, Simon! He chews...and slobbers on EVERYthing! I had to get him out of the house!"

"Rafe, where is he?"

"In the breakroom."

Oh no, not today...PLEASE, no more today..."

A shrill trumpeting rang out in MC, and excited barking as well. Crash after crash had all of them on their feet, and running down the hall, only to stand and watch in horror as a baby elephant, and a puppy just as big played "King of the Mountain on top of a pile of what used to be their snack/soda/coffee machines...with a wombat.

Jim and Blair looked at each other, nodded once, and snuck out to go home. The others were going to be far too busy to notice that the two weren't there. Blair was right, Jim thought. This had been a good day to keep thier heads down.