SquidgeWorld Archive

DON'T TURN AWAY

1997

I regretted it the moment I watched the bus drive away. I had done it again. There was no one else to blame; even I knew that it was my own fault that I was standing there feeling like my heart would break in two. I seemed to have a weakness that kept being my emotional downfall, and, it seemed, would be for the rest of my life. Heck, why did I even try to find love any more? I always lost it again, because when I cared for someone, I ended up helping them along in fulfilling whatever their dreams were, and it seemed that I was such a good teacher that they suddenly didn't belong being just low-level people anymore. They had to live out their dreams. I always talked them into it. I always wished I never had afterwards.

Sighing, I rubbed at my face with one hand, turning to get into my car and go back to the small apartment we had rented. When I got there, I just shut the door behind me without a word to the gray tabby cat that hopped down from the television and meowed her wish for attention, went into the tiny kitchen to grab a beer, wishing for a moment that it was something stronger, then headed for the bedroom. I knelt down beside the bed, opening the door of the cupboard standing there and reaching in to pull out an old, worn shoebox. I nudged the door shut again with one foot as I sat down on the bed, setting my drink on the top of the cupboard, and slowly opened the lid. All my life was in there, years of dreams, years of love and laughter, and a bit of sadness too. I refused to let the pain inside me out, though, as I picked up the photograph on the top of the pile and held it up in the light from the bedside lamp.

It had been taken not four months ago, shortly after Anita and I had met. Something had been right between us from the very start, and the picture showed every bit of that happiness, with us standing side by side, arms around each others' waists, laughing unashamedly at the antics of a friend outside the view of the camera. She had been a friend to talk to when no one else would listen, someone to play music with, and, as I learned delightedly that she was a very good singer, to write songs for. We had talked, joked, about going on the road as a team, and later, as we grew closer, even skirted around the idea of getting married. But as I started to see Anita's true talent, I knew that none of it could ever be. She had the kind of musical gift that comes along once in a thousand people, and she had to do something with it. And she would do better without me. So, after days of gently arguing the point, I managed to convince her to head for Nashville.

The tears we had both shed the night before stung at my eyes once again, and I blinked them back, refusing to allow them to fall. I wished in a way that I hadn't pushed her into learning her gifts, and then using them. I knew she would do well, there was no question of that, and I was glad for her, but still... it still hurt, losing a chance for love again this way. Hurt so very badly.

It had been happening all of my life. From way back when I'd first had a crush on Cindy Lou Fabrean in eighth grade, all through high school and the rest of my adulthood. I guess I just kept falling for the wrong people. Not that anyone ever hurt me knowingly, I'd been lucky on that account. But I always seemed to keep finding love that couldn't last, people that couldn't stay... or shouldn't stay. I picked up another photo at random, and smiled slightly at it, my mind wandered back to another blonde girl with a sweet heart, someone that I had fallen very much in love with while in the Marines, stationed in the States. But just like Anita, too much like, Candy didn't belong with a back-country farmboy like me. She had dreams and hopes and visions, and an incredible talent, and I used a few connections I had to help her achieve them. She ended up making it big, too... I hoped Anita would someday. I knew she could, if given a chance.

Others had come and gone too -- Kelly, who died in a tragic car accident, Heather, who went away to college and became a scientist, Brett, who died in Vietnam in my arms, Jenny Lee, who married rich in order to take care of her ailing father's farm, Michael, who followed his actor's dreams to Hollywood. Yes, I had loved both women and men in my life; I had known I was attracted equally to either sex since I was an adolescent. But I always seemed to lose those I loved, in one way or another. I kept telling myself to give up, that each time would be the last, but then someone else would touch my heart again, make me open up to love again, make me love them enough to get out of their way when I would only be a hindrance in their lives. And then I would get hurt again.

Fighting back tears again at the memories, I sighed and set the next-to-last picture down beside me with the others. I hesitated before reaching into the box to carefully lift out the final photograph, of someone who likely wouldn't even imagine being in this particular collection. Even I wasn't quite sure why this was in here, most of the time. But once in a while, I looked at the carefree grin and gentle dark blue eyes of the young man that had always been like my younger brother, and knew deep inside me that, although I could never tell him, I loved him perhaps more than I ever had any of the others.

Bo had always been wild, not in a 'bad-kid', but in a freedom-loving sort of way, from the day I'd met him. He was only two years old back then, and it didn't show much at the time, but now I could see that even then were the seeds of who he would become. His heart was never anything but free, unfettered by long-time worries or responsibilities. If something got in the way of his dreams, he just spread his wings and flew over it, or around it, or away from it. Always laughing, running, never tied down by anything in this world except for the love of and for his family. I had to admit it, in some ways he was still very immature, and maybe would be for the rest of his life. But I'd always followed his lead straight into trouble, helping him and others get out of it. I'd always been there for him to confide in, and had ended up telling my secrets to him too. He was the only one who knew that I was bisexual, had even helped cover my tracks in that department from our Uncle Jesse from time to time. He had been my playmate, my best friend, for our entire childhood, and I had never thought of him as anything else. But the day I came back to Hazzard from the Marines, the day I first saw him as a near-adult, my world turned upside down. Playful dark blue eyes now had a tint of mystery to them, a skinny teenager had become a strong, if still somewhat slender, young man, his crazy stunts suddenly hinted at premeditated adventurousness rather than just thoughtless daring. And as we started to become close again, to relearn each other, I suddenly realized that here was someone I could very easily give my heart to for life. I never let myself dwell too long on that, simply because we were family, but he still held a very real place in my heart, and always would.

Even though I had never let myself fully love him that way, things had eventually ended up pretty much the way they had for all the others. Bo was an incredible driver, seemed to have a natural instinct for it, and his childhood dreams of making it on the NASCAR circuit only grew stronger with the years. I was a pretty fair ridge-runner myself, taught by our Uncle Jesse, and I helped him in every way I knew how. I went with him to the circuit a few years later for a season, cheering him on as he won ribbon after trophy after prize. But when he landed himself, rather accidentally, on the racing circuit again quite a few years later, I stepped back, out of the picture. He didn't need me there anymore, I would only be in his way now. It was time for him to carve out his own niche in the world, and it wouldn't be right for me to stay. Soon I left Hazzard as well, for a long stint with the Forest Service. I couldn't stay on the farm with Bo gone; there were just too many memories. I tried to come home once, a few months back during the Hazzard Homecoming, but being so close to him again and not being able to have him hurt too dang much, and I left again. I wondered if I'd ever be able to admit how I felt. Bo was a confirmed ladies' man, no denying that. I wasn't sure how he might take the news, and I didn't want to risk his friendship for anything.

Sighing, I finally set the photograph down, back in the box, and scooped the others in on top. I put the lid back on and dropped it beside the bed, laying back and throwing an arm up over my eyes. Maybe I should just give up for good. I never seemed to be able to keep love in my life. Maybe I should stop trying.

No... I definitely should stop trying. If I could.

* * * * *

1998

It was six months until I saw my friends and family again, at the funeral of our Uncle Jesse. I spent as little time with them, really, as I could, trying not to let anyone see me cry. I spent nearly my entire time in Hazzard mourning not only the loss of the man who was like my father, but the loss of everyone else special in my life as well. Daisy, who had set up permanent camp back at the farm, and Bo, who kept threatening to do the same but hadn't yet, asked me to stay with them. But I couldn't.

Bo took my refusal the hardest, I think. He came after me when I tried to go on a walk by myself, grabbing my arms and demanding to know why I couldn't stay, why my family was no longer important to me. I could only look at him, so wild and beautiful with his eyes flashing midnight fire at me, and shake my head. Oh, of course I tried to explain... mostly. I told him about it being too hard to stay on the farm just now with all the memories. I told him that I had a life of my own to live, as did he. I assured him that I still loved him and Daisy; I just couldn't settle down just yet.

I couldn't tell him the last part. That living with him, constantly near him day after day, would eventually destroy me. That right now, with him standing so close, I could barely stand to move away. But somehow I did move. I stepped backwards, gently disengaging his hands, and gripped his shoulders for a minute, looking into his eyes and trying to make him believe that everything would be okay. Someday. He just looked at me, then pulled away and stalked off a few strides, refusing to face me. Something inside me tore painfully at the rejection... until I realized that he was crying.

What else could I do? I went up to him, turned him around, and pulled him into my arms. He clung tightly, his trust in my protection and strength just as complete as when he was ten years old. I could only hold him, knowing and sharing his grief, closing my eyes and trying not to imagine holding him under different circumstances. There was no question in my heart about this one thing -- a part of me, a large part, would always belong to him. Whether he ever knew it or not.

The confrontation was never brought up again, the brief, pain-born anger gone like dandelion in the summer wind. But I still could not bring myself to stay. By the next Monday, I was on a bus out of town. I took one last look around at this world, the one I had grown up in and still called home, and promised myself that someday I would come back to Hazzard. I had to.

But I wasn't sure if I could ever come back to the farm.

* * * * *

1999

I almost didn't go when I was called back to Hazzard County's next Homecoming. I eventually did, however, and the bright, joyous smile and ferocious hug that Bo gave me when I stepped out of my car made it somehow worth the while. Worth anything. Everything.

Over the next week, all the walls that I had so carefully built up over time came down all too quickly. I knew in my head that it would hurt twice as badly to leave him yet again, but I couldn't stand feeling so empty anymore. I hadn't given my heart away since Anita had left, and I just couldn't handle being so alone any longer, even if I pretended I could. So I opened up again to my younger cousin, deciding to stay only as close to him as I could without letting him see the longing in my eyes, trying to forget that we would part and my heart would be torn in two yet again.

But for some reason, I was getting a different set of feelings and responses from him this time... different than it had ever been in all the years I'd known him. It wasn't that he was looking at me in the way I looked at him while he wasn't watching, or that there was any sort of reciprocation of my hidden emotions for that matter. But there was a steadiness there that hadn't existed only a year ago. Somehow I knew that, somehow, somewhere, he had finally grown up. And with that newfound maturity, he had looked at me, seen me and particularly our fading relationship in a slightly different light, and decided to try to return to being as close as we had ever been. He hauled me along to Friday's race and made me sit shotgun, not that I was really protesting all that much. He kept me up nearly an entire night in our room just talking, and talking, and talking. He begged me into an all-day fishing expedition, not that I complained much there either. He came out to sit by my side and softly sing when I went out on the porch to play guitar, and even though I had wanted to be alone, I found myself smiling and welcoming his presence. It got so that it was hard, very hard, to imagine leaving Hazzard again, leaving the farm again, leaving him again. It would be nearly impossible. Yet, I couldn't spend the rest of my life sitting, walking, running, working, playing beside him without somehow giving my true feelings away. And every time I met his eyes, I saw an acceptance there that made me dare to hope, however wild that hope might be, that he just might understand after all.

By the time we made our decision to go to Hollywood for the fundraiser, I had made up my mind on something I had once thought I never would or could. I could no longer deny it; I needed Bo in my life, I was more in love with my cousin than I had ever been with anyone. So, I decided, as soon as we got back to Hazzard, I would tell him. I would open my heart to him, show him everything inside... and then let him decide how or if to respond.

But while we were in California, things changed in a way that seemed to cut out every chance I might have. Bo fell, and hard, for a girl by the name of Gabrielle. I had never seen that look in his eyes before, although I knew it from personal experience, and I knew that he was sure that he'd finally found the one for him. There was a wonder and gentleness about his actions toward her that made me at the same time immensely glad for him and insanely jealous of her. I wanted only the best for him, though, so I hid my feelings as tightly behind a closed, locked door as I could, though I couldn't help the occasional longing glance or excuse to pull him away. Somehow, though I could hardly believe myself, I even found myself encouraging him to go on, telling him about my time with Anita, telling him not to let go of something that might be real, not to turn away from someone that might be willing to love him. I was amazed that he didn't react to the sheer pain in my eyes as I spoke. Perhaps he thought it was for the past. Or he simply didn't catch it because I never met his gaze. I didn't dare.

We finished our little California adventure in true high-spirited Hazzard style, accomplishing what we'd set out to do and more. We even caught a black market ring. And I got to see Anita once again. That was painful, unbelievably so, but a good thing at the same time. Finally we were both able to make our peace with life, and in a way things became easier. Knowing she was now happily married, although I still regretted not being the man who was her new husband, helped me to put what had been between us into the past, something that I'd been having a lot of trouble with over the past two years. By the end, the one I was hurting the most for was Bo. Saying goodbye to his new love practically broke his heart, and I could see all the way home that my cousin was trying valiantly to hide a pain I knew all too well.

About a week after we had come home, all of Hazzard held a celebration for the groundbreaking for the new hospital. It was more than high time Hazzard County had one; everyone had been running an hour to Capitol City for anything more major than the local private doctor could provide for a hundred years. Maybe the best thing was that all the friends we had made in California came to the party... including our new friend Toby Keith, Anita and her husband, and Gabrielle's family! We all laughed and sang and danced and ate and told tall tales for nearly two days. It was maybe the biggest holiday I could remember Hazzard ever having, and we all had so much fun. But, come Wednesday, things had to get back to normal. The locals slowly trickled away to their farms or shops or stills. The musicians packed to head back to Tennessee. And the Californians loaded up their buses to go back to their own way of life, so different from our own. I knew Bo begged Gabrielle to stay in Hazzard, but the tears I later saw in his eyes told me everything... too much. Few Hazzard citizens could imagine living in a place like Los Angeles, and Gabrielle knew she didn't belong in Georgia. They couldn't even say if they would ever see each other again. When the buses finally left town, it wasn't with gladness but with shared grief that I reached out and pulled him into a hug, letting him cry on my shoulder and letting my own tears at his pain trail down into his hair.

At that moment, he mattered more than I.

* * * * *

Two nights later, something woke me up to find Bo's bed, across from mine, rumpled but empty. A bit worried, I got up and went downstairs to the farmhouse kitchen under the guise of going for a midnight glass of water, and found the back door open. I went over and looked out through the screen, only to see Bo leaning back against one of the posts that held up the porch, next to the stairs, looking upward toward the sky. I could see something glittering on his face in the moonlight, and my heart ached when I realized it was tears. I just stood there for a moment, not quite sure what I should do. Should I leave him be, to himself? Should I go out there and listen to him if he wanted to talk? Should I try to console him?

Or... should I..?

I shook my head at myself; no, it would never have worked out before, why should it now? Just because we were now both alone, hurting, needing someone that wasn't there, gave me no reason to dare to think that I might have any right to go out there and offer something that would likely be refused. I had no right to try to take her place, no right to hurt him that way.

Yet... through everything, through joy and pain, through good times and bad, it had always come back to me and him. Whenever either of us needed a friend, the other was always there. And I still saw that familiar, heartwarming look of adoration in Bo's eyes when he smiled at me. Maybe... maybe that look could come to mean more, if I gave it a chance. Maybe there was a chance. Maybe I shouldn't throw it away... maybe I shouldn't give up yet. I hesitated, unsure, almost frightened, yet somehow knowing inside that if ever anything was to happen between us, it would be now.

Slowly, I opened the screen door. Bo turned to look at me as I came over to stand near him, his gaze quiet, unashamed of what he was feeling, accepting my presence. I paused for a moment before crouching down to sit on the porch next to him.

"Are you all right?" I asked.

He sighed and glanced away again. "I will be. I have to be." The last four words were a whisper, and I winced, reaching out to touch his shoulder, my fingers almost unconsciously lightly stroking over his warm skin. The years hadn't changed many of his habits; he still slept without a shirt on. He glanced at me again, seeming to know that there was another reason that I had come out here. "What about you?"

I shrugged, bringing my hand back to rest on my own knee. "I'm okay. I've been dealing with it for a long time. It's actually getting better now that I've seen her. I'm fine." Actually, I was trembling inside, but refusing to show it outwardly. I was a little afraid to do this, yet somehow I had to. Neither one of us was getting any younger; every day mattered to me now. Not that I was feeling old, it was just... I followed his gaze up to the stars, pondering them and the world in general. "You ever think... you'll fall that hard again?"

His voice was quiet. "I don't know. I've been in love, but I never felt the way I did about her before. Still do. I... I don't know. Maybe." He shrugged, almost listlessly. "Who knows? What about you?"

"Yeah. I think so. Actually... there is someone I care very deeply for."

He glanced at me again, mildly surprised. "You didn't tell me. Who?"

I took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. No better moment than this. "Bo... first, I have something to ask you."

He paused a moment, then nodded silently. I took another deep breath, glancing away for a few seconds to pray for strength before meeting his gaze again, gently, openly, letting all the barriers down.

"Have... have you ever been in love with someone that you were afraid to tell?"

He just looked at me for a moment, then understanding dawned in those beautiful midnight blue eyes of his without my needing to say one more word. "Lukas..." he breathed, his tone disbelieving, yet not angry. At least that was something in my favor. I swallowed and slowly nodded, not breaking eye contact.

"Yes, Bo," I whispered. "It's you." Sliding one hand very slowly across the boards, I touched his, hoping with everything in me that he wouldn't flinch away, that he wouldn't run. "I've been trying to ignore it for a very long time. Remember when I told you not to turn away from someone who loved you?" He nodded, slowly. "I've been doing that all of my life, Bo. Every time I gave my heart to someone, somehow they ended up out of my life. Maybe I pushed some of them out, trying to make them take something that was better for them than I was. But you are the one person I left behind who has come back to me, time and again. All of my life, every time I lost love, every time I was hurt, you've been there. You never turned away from me. Please... don't turn away from me now." I finished in a rough whisper, fighting tears that were entirely too close to the surface.

He just sat there for a moment, jaw slightly open in surprise, looking confused, a bit lost... and a little scared. Not of me, though... the fright was turned inward. I closed my eyes, not daring to look at his face for fear I'd see something that wasn't really there. "Luke... I knew about your tendencies and all... I mean, sheesh, I'm the only one who does... but I never even imagined that you felt that way about me... I'm your cousin, your blood brother..."

I looked back up at him, brushing my fingers over the back of his hand. "The other half of my soul." I shook my head. "If I would ever fall in love with anyone, it would be you. We have always been so close... somehow, sometime, it grew to be so much more for me." I took a deep breath, shifting so that I was kneeling beside him, quiet and sincere, yet in earnest need at the same time. Taking his hands in mine, looking deep into his eyes, I said something I never had thought I would ever get the chance to. "I love you, Beauregard Duke. More than I have ever loved anyone, although I'll admit that I have loved before. But I always have loved you... and even if you tell me to pack my bags and go back to Montana, I always will. If you'll accept me... if it's at all possible for you to accept me... I want to be part of your life from now on. I don't want to say goodbye to you again." I paused, the tears that I had held in check leaking their way out now despite my efforts. "I can't deny it any longer. You hold my heart in your hands. Everything I have, everything I am, I'll give to you... if you'll let me."

Bo was very quiet for a bit, his eyes looking distantly at his lap. He didn't pull away from me, though... didn't seem to be repelled by my words. I held my breath, hardly daring to hope. When finally he looked back up at me, his eyes were bright with tears of his own. "I didn't know... Luke, I didn't know..." He reached out and touched my cheek hesitantly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I swallowed, closing my eyes, unable to meet his intensity any longer. "I couldn't. What we shared for so many years, the partnership and friendship we had, was so strong... I didn't want to lose it. I didn't want to lose you."

"You wouldn't have lost me. Maybe I wouldn't have understood... but you never would have lost me." He drew back, and I glanced up again to see him eyeing me with a slight, odd expression on his face. "I probably wouldn't have been thrilled to hear it when I was younger. But... I would never turn you away. I couldn't. I... gosh-dang it, Luke, you're my brother! How am I supposed to do something like that to you?"

"You're not really my brother-"

He cut me off, eyes narrowing and jaw setting in determination. "In every way that matters, I am. I have been since I was two years old. Okay, maybe we're only cousins physically, but that closeness has always been there. You've always been my best friend. Even these last years we've been apart... nobody's taken your place. Nobody ever could." The last three words were gentle. Fingers brushed against my cheek again, a faint caress that made my heart stop for a beat in shock. "Luke..." He looked down, sighing and shaking his head, slowly smiling as if to himself. Finally his eyes swept upward again. "I don't know how to feel. I really don't. I love you. I don't know if I love you that way. Sometimes, I'm not sure I don't. I really don't know. But I'll always be here for you. Never doubt that."

I closed my eyes and turned my head to touch a light kiss to his fingers. I was fighting hard not to openly cry now, even though I would be more willing to display all my emotions to Bo than to anyone else. "I need you in my life, Bo. I love you. I have never lied to you before, I'm not lying now. I'm yours... whether you want me or not." I opened my eyes then, my breath catching in my throat as I realized how very close we suddenly were. I hadn't moved, he had, kneeling in front of me the same as I was in front of him, his hands now moving to interlock with mine. I gripped his hands tightly, afraid to let go, afraid that this impossible moment would end if I didn't, afraid that this couldn't really be happening.

"Lukas," he whispered, and I looked up to see an uncertain yet gentle expression in his eyes and on his face. Very slowly, very carefully, he rubbed his thumbs across the backs of my hands. "Don't be afraid. I would never hurt you." He paused for a moment, glancing away and frowning thoughtfully. "I never really thought about it before... but I'm not scared of the idea of that kind of relationship. I dunno, maybe it was growing up with you that did that," he smiled at me, and I had to smile back. "But I do know one thing. I can't bear to be alone any longer. Things have changed for me this past year, too much has changed. I don't want to be the rover anymore. That's why I came back to Hazzard when Uncle Jesse died. I'm tired of trying to find a life, a love that never seems to really be there. Or losing it when it does finally show up. I'm tired of being hurt. If I know nothing else, I know you won't hurt me, I know that with all my heart." He took a deep breath, his brows furrowing slightly as he thought seriously about his next words. I held my breath, finding it hard to believe that I was actually hearing this. "I guess what I'm trying to say is... I'm not exactly sure how to go about this, how to love you, what to do or say. But I'm willing to try." Finally our eyes met again. His voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm willing to try."

Somehow, I found my voice, needing to be sure, afraid to believe. "For me?"

He shook his head slowly, not letting go of my gaze. "No. For both of us. We both need someone. That someone hasn't managed to come along in over thirty years. Maybe... we've both been looking in the wrong place. Maybe we've been searching too far." He took a deep breath. "I do love you. And I know you love me. All our lives, that's never been a question. At least we can give ourselves a chance. Maybe something will finally work out right. Lord knows most things between us do."

I let my tears run unashamedly then, reaching up to put my palm against the side of his face, not having a clue what to say next. I just looked at him, my emotions coming out in my eyes far easier than words would. Somehow, words weren't working at all right now. They stopped somewhere in my throat. Bo just looked back at me. A pain was still deep inside his eyes, and the expression there was a little uncertain, but drowning most of that out was sheer trust. I managed to smile a little, and a slow, beautiful smile spread its way across his face in return. Suddenly, I found myself chuckling in disbelief and a pure joy I could never put into words. Laughing and crying at the same time, I pulled him closer, holding him in my arms, closing my eyes to savor the feel of his arms warmly, willingly around me, his cheek against my neck as he smiled silently, then sliding up across mine as he kissed back at the point of my jaw, up onto my cheek, nuzzling me in a completely unselfconscious display of the depth of his affection. My heart pounded at my next thought, but before I could get nervous and back away, I turned my head slightly to catch the corner of his mouth in a light yet lingering kiss.

He didn't move a muscle until I pulled back, then tilted his head to look at me with a strange quality of surprise yet awe in his eyes. That look just held for several long seconds, then, finally, he smiled. In that smile, I saw all my answers, and I couldn't help but smile back. I leaned forward just slightly again, as he did the same, and our lips met in a true kiss, soft, uncertain of what we were doing yet at the same time very sure that it was what we both wanted. There was no passion there, not yet; this simple learning and deciding was too important. But it was sweet.... oh, so sweet. Such a precious thing, his hands on my shoulders, his lips on mine, his breath soft against my cheek. When we parted, I opened my eyes to see that tears were sliding down his face too. I brushed them gently away with my thumb, kissing him lightly once more before sitting back, taking his hands into mine.

"We do have a lot to figure out between us," I whispered, simply because I wasn't sure my voice would even manage full strength right now. "But for now... tonight, I want to sleep with you. Just next to me. I want to hold you, to see your smile when I wake up. Would that be all right?"

Bo smiled slowly, happpily, at me. "That would be wonderful." He was whispering too. "Tomorrow is soon enough to talk. Tonight, I just..." He swallowed suddenly. "I love you, Lukas Duke. It's gonna take time for me to get used to this and all... I've never loved another man before... but I love you, and if you'll never leave me I promise I'll always be there for you."

"And I promise the same." I squeezed his hands and smiled back, feeling like leaping into the air and shouting my joy to the skies. Instead I just stood up, pulling him up with me. "I swear this to you, Bo... I won't turn away ever again."

Then we were in one another's arms again, just holding each other tightly, a fierce, strong hug that seemed to say, simply, 'I'm home at last'. We held on for several minutes, just standing there, but finally we disengaged and just smiled at each other, needing no more words. I turned toward the kitchen, and he followed, his fingers twined with mine. Without a single word, we shut the door behind us.

* * * * *

When I woke up in the morning, I blinked at the sunshine coming in the window, at first unable to figure out why I was so utterly comfortable and content. Then the events of the night before settled into my brain, and I laughed quietly in pure happiness, finding myself suddenly grinning and unable to stop. The warm body curled next to mine suddenly shifted and stretched with a responding giggle, and I glanced down at Bo, seeing that he'd awakened about the same time, and in the same mood. "It ain't a dream, is it?" I said softly, brushing my fingers over his face.

He shook his head, dark blue eyes sparkling. "Nope. It ain't. I love you, Luke. Gosh, I can't hardly believe this... but..." He shrugged, grinning again.

"And I love you..."

Our eyes caught and held, and that moment ended in a long, slow kiss. Instead of the almost chaste touches of the night before however, this one was a lasting surrender, deepened in a mutual willingness. He sighed and fitted his body to mine, and I slid my hand down his back, feeling the tingles of something nearly forgotten start in my extremities and grow into a comfortable warmth deep inside. He responded with a soft sound and returned the caress, to my slight surprise completely unhesitating despite all this being somewhat new for him. I had thought he might hold back at first... but no, he seemed completely ready for anything that might come. I didn't break off until it began to feel like it might become more than just a kiss. There would be time enough for that later; I wanted our first time together to be special, not hurried. I wanted to really take the time to make love to him. And right now, we had other things that needed doing. Growing older had taught me the value of patience in some areas at least.

Bo just blinked at me for a moment, but then sighed, understanding without my needing to say a word. I smiled at him and untangled myself to roll up to a sitting position and then to my feet. I stretched, sighing happily. "Come on... love... let's get dressed. We've got chores to do, and breakfast." I reached for my clothes where we had both left them on a chair, pulling my jeans out from under his.

"Breakfast sounds great." He grinned up at me for a moment, not moving from where he was still lying on the bed. "But don't you dare call me that around anyone else; you'll get us both in trouble."

I chuckled. I had used the endearment on purpose. "Don't worry, I don't plan on it. Not for a while, at least." I paused thoughtfully, zipping up and reaching for my shirt. "How long do you want to keep this a secret, anyway?"

He frowned a little, thinking. "Well..." he finally said, "I guess I don't want to be hiding forever. I don't know. Maybe till we're really settled in our relationship? You know... both completely sure of ourselves and our love."

I had to smile. Relationship. Love. I loved hearing those words from him, so casually too. I felt like I was living in a dream come true. "Okay. That sounds good. Now c'mon, lazybones," I swatted playfully at his backside, "get up and let's get to it."

He laughed and obeyed. We both finished dressing and made our beds, then paused in front of our closed bedroom door. Bo met my eyes, looking excited yet nervous at the same time. "Luke, I feel as though the moment we step through that door, a whole new world will start, a whole new life. It's kind of a scary feeling... but a good kind of scary." He grinned at me.

I shrugged, and nodded, smiling back. "I believe it will." I held out my hand to him, raising my eyebrows. "But I for one am looking forward to finding out what it has in store. I promise you, I'll always be there. You're stuck with me from now on, cousin mine."

Bo laughed, taking my offered hand. "Well, cousin," he answered playfully, "shall we?"

"Certainly," I drawled back, opening the door and gesturing for him to go through first. As he started for it, I pulled him back, into a strong hug full of all the layers of my affection for him, as cousin, brother, friend, and also what we were now going to be to each other. He returned it wholeheartedly, and I gasped for air when he tightened his arms in a bear hug. "Hey, let me breathe!"

Laughing again, he slung one arm around my shoulders. "Come on, Lukas. Let's go see what that new world looks like."

Side by side, we walked out the door, into a bright new day.

END