SquidgeWorld Archive

Heart Full Of Rain
a "Farscape" story inspired by the song of the same title
Written by Alison M. DOBELL
* * * * *


"I believe that I've attempted
Every move that I know
I was sure that by now
You'd have let yourself go..."
(Heart Full of Rain - Collin Raye)

I could not believe we were back to this again. One minute Aeryn was smiling, almost understanding a joke I had just made, her eyes shining with amusement as she relaxed. Yes, I know, I said *that* word. Relax. It is obviously not from the Sebacean dictionary but it sure looks happy in mine. I wish Aeryn did.

"Crichton!" I groaned. My joy rapidly evaporating. *John* had gone out the window and we were back to PK PMS drill with me on the losing end.

"Look Aeryn, I didn't mean anything by it and if I upset you I'm sorry..."

Her eyes flashed. Danger signals if ever there were any. "You are *always* saying that."

"Saying what, that I'm sorry?"

She was fast losing the last of her very tiny, miniscule store of patience. And I was the lucky recipient of her wrath. "No, saying you didn't *mean* anything. You *never* mean anything."

I stopped in my tracks. "Woah, hang on there sunshine, let's back-up. What do you mean by that?"

Oooops, mistake number two. Mistake number one was thinking for the merest part of a microt that Aeryn had actually *relaxed* thus letting down my guard. Mistake number two was questioning any God-damn thing she said. And yes, you guessed it, mistake number three was coming along hard on the heels of the first two. You would have thought I would have learned.

She glared at me. "What do you *want* from me, Crichton?"

The $64,000 question. Do you want to answer the question and get shoved out an airlock without a suit or open the box and get blasted with a pulse rifle? Gee, that's a hard choice Aeryn.

"I...um...I just wanted to make you feel comfortable."

I winced at the look of disbelief that crossed her face, her eyebrows rose, her grip on her rifle actually got harder. "Comfortable? What the frell is that supposed to mean?"

Uh oh. "You know, relaxed..."

"RELAXED?" She practically shouted at me. "What makes you think I am not RELAXED?" She yelled.

I paused a microt. "Lucky guess?"

That was it, she blew. A stream of invective blasted my ears that would have made a fishwife blush. Then hurricane Aeryn was gone, her words ringing in my ears and leaving me deafened by my own stupidity. I wanted to cry. I felt I had come so close. What did I have to do to get this woman to loosen up? To realise that it was actually a nice thing to be around people, to make small talk, to CARE. Dad, I would SO love you to meet Aeryn, but can we take a rain check on that? I'll get back to you on one of her good days I groaned inwardly and wondered whether I would live long enough to see one of those. I was feeling emotionally exhausted. What with being chased across the Uncharted Territories by every psycho looney and wacko in this violent universe and treading that fine high wire act that passed for conversation with Miss Aeryn Sun, I was feeling as if I could not do a thing right and it was wearing me down. All I wanted was to break through that ice cold reserve. Free the heart trapped in amber that I was sure was buried somewhere inside. If only I did not love her so much Dad, there would be a chance of just laughing it all off and walking away Only I didn't feel like laughing and I had nowhere to go. Frell. So I slid down the wall and just sat in the corridor and closed my eyes. I know, stupid place, but what the hell? Suddenly I didn't want to go to my quarters. Didn't want to join the others. Couldn't bear the knowing looks, the ridicule implied but not spoken. The looks that said the crazy deficient human has upset Aeryn again.

So I sat there reviewing all my dumb attempts to lighten her load. The ways I had tried to show her how much I cared without coming straight out and annoying her by saying it. Words seemed to be my downfall so I tried actions. I snorted. Actions. There's a laugh. Was that ever a mistake. Every time I showed her any consideration she took it as another sign that I was weak. If I smiled at her she got suspicious. If I made a suggestion she shot me down in flames. If I was happy she had many new and improved ways of throwing cold water all over it. Every fire I tried to light she rained on. Then this morning I really made an even bigger idiot of myself than normal. I took her breakfast in bed. I know. But you can't blame a guy for trying, or can you? I spent arns pumping Chiana for the kinds of food Sebaceans drooled over, then spent arns more preparing the stuff to Chiana's satisfaction. That little disaster was one that would go down in history. I am still wearing some of it where the tray had been tipped over my head. How was I to know that Pranka ta'rot was a well know Sebacean intoxicant used to make women compliant? Frell. She thought I wanted to rape her! All in all I was lucky to be alive but somehow I didn't feel lucky. In fact, I didn't feel that alive either. Everything I did for her, I did with my whole heart. With love. Aeryn didn't know that emotion. It wasn't even in her dictionary.

"I've been loving my heart out
And without any shame
Gotten down on my knees
Just to kindle this flame..."

I got up when Pilot annouced we were entering the orbit of the commerce planet. I felt miserable but if I stayed where I was one of the others would find me and I didn't feel up to answering their questions or think I could stand the pity in their eyes. I needed to get away if only for a few arns. So I went to my module, checked it out for like the hundredth time and informed Pilot I was going down to the planet surface in it. He wanted me to wait and go in the transport. I was *not* about to do that. Aeryn would be in the transport and right now she was the last person I wanted to see. Unable to convince me otherwise, Pilot opened Moya's doors and I took off. The moment I broke free of Moya it was like a weight lifting off me. But the other weight, the one pressing down on my heart, just got heavier. I landed near the outskirts of a large sized town. No market place. Must be the other side. That was good. The others would be making a beeline for the market place, hunting down supplies. What I wanted was something money could not buy. Oblivion. I wandered through dusty rows of tall buildings that looked kind of Moroccan and carried on without taking much notice of the direction I took until I came across this square. Buildings faced the square on all four sides with their doors open and a buzz of activity with beings coming and going. My interest sharpened. Were these *shops*?

I took a look in the first one I came to, it was dark and dimly lit inside but there was a buzz of activity and the sound of people drinking an assortment of weird stuff so I guessed it was some kind of bar. I grinned. Things were looking up. Anything stronger than fellip nectar would do. I watched what everyone else was drinking until I noticed an alien sitting along the end of the bar who could hardly stay upright. That pink goo he was slugging down had to be strong. I pointed and asked for the same then paid for the drink and closed my eyes as I tipped the glass. It slid down in chunks. No kidding. I swear the damn stuff had legs, but it was strong alright. Nearly tore the lining of my throat, producing tears in the corner of my eyes, but I gritted my teeth and swallowed. It took several goes to get it to stay down. I was starting to feel a bit dizzy as it kicked in. So I indicated a repeat prescription and found I had to sit down quick before I fell down. This drink was doing something to my legs. How could something that looked like penicillin, tasted like metal polish and crawled down my throat on a dozen spikey legs pack this much of an alcoholic punch? I realised I did not frelling want to know the answer to that one. Plus it was begining to put a wonderful shine on my tonsils. I was starting to feel not exactly better but definitely NUMB. Oh yeah, numb I can live with. Numb is good.

"But tonight I am down to the wine
I've been striking these matches in vain
Got a whole lot of smoke but no fire
'Cause you've got a heart full of rain..."

By the third one I am actually starting to get a taste for the stuff. That crawly prickly feeling as the goo slides down is a good thing. Don't think I could get enough effort into my swallow to get it down my neck without help. I stare at the barkeep but I don't see him. All I can see is Aeryn. That first time I set eyes on her when I woke up buck naked in Moya's cell. Then when she spoke up for me in front of Crais. I still have *no* idea why she did that but it sure felt good. After that she was declared irreversibly contaminated. By me. I had no idea what that meant at the time but as I got to know her a little better the impact of those words sank in. The enormity of what she had lost filtered through my thick head and took root. I still have nightmares about the guilt.

"Now somewhere in your history
There's a reason or two
Why you won't let a body
Get close to you
Why the truth that I whisper
Always sounds like a lie
Why you're drowning inside
>From the tears you don't cry..."

* * * * *

Aeryn was pissed. D'Argo, Zhaan, Chiana and Rygel had all decided to go down to get supplies with her. Pilot had informed them that Commander Crichton had set out in his module and was already down on the planet surface. That had done nothing to improve Aeryn's mood. Even Chiana resisted the temptation to make a quip. Zhaan had D'Argo go with Chiana and she went with Rygel. Aeryn would not go with any of them and such was the foulness of her mood that Zhaan felt a faint trace of guilt at her relief. Aeryn watched them go and bit back her anger. She would frelling kill Crichton when she found him.

* * * * *

Crichton was on his fourth pink goo. Oh yeah, he was really getting into this stuff. The guy at the end of the bar had passed out an arn ago. Nobody went near him or attempted to throw him out. That little courtesy pleased him for some reason. It meant when he passed out they would just leave him here. Hopefully the others would not find him and he could just get it out of his system. Only getting Aeryn out of his system was easier said than done. It wasn't like you could vomit up the contents of your heart every time a relationship went down the wrong way. He took another swallow. Another pink soggy chunk wriggled and crawled down his throat with the liquid, doing handstands on his tonsils. Show off He remembered when he had been trying to get drunk that time on Moya after the others had cut off one of Pilot's arms. Aeryn had stayed with him, even moved the bottle to stop him drinking too much. He lost himself for a microt in the memory of her smile. She had been so gentle with him then. Understanding how much it had hurt him to see what they had done to Pilot. The most self sacrificing and gentle being on Moya, the best of all of them, himself included. Maybe it was because Aeryn had some of Pilot's DNA that she appreciated his feelings, he was not sure. Even as she had smiled at him though he had been aware of the deeper sadness that was Aeryn Sun. A lifetime of tears she had never cried. Peace Keepers don't cry. They just kick ass.

"But your blue eyes have never been dry
And you smile like you're feeling no pain
Got a whole lot of smoke but no fire
'Cause you've got a heart full of rain..."

I took another gulp to stem the pain now filtering through as I thought about her. The ache in my heart deepening. Damn stuff must be wearing off. I ordered another. My head was starting to buzz now. A heavy tympany that rattled behind my eyes like a Caribbean steel band. Flashes relived in my mind of a hundred different conversations with Aeryn. Times when I'd reached out my hand only to have it slapped away. Tried to cheer her up only to have my head bitten off for trying.

"I had hoped I could open the heart that you hide
'Cause it sure needs a little sunshine inside
But tonight I am down to the wine
I've been striking these matches in vain
Got a whole lot of smoke but no fire
'Cause you've got a heart full of rain,
'Cause you've got a heart full of rain..."

* * * * *

I have no idea where I am. The pain is wracking me, my gut twisting, my whole body shaking so badly. I can't open my eyes, can't speak. Everything hurts so damn much and I am on some kind of rollercoaster where the moving parts are all inside me. I can feel something sharp piercing my insides and then there's that god-awful crawling feeling, as if many somethings are inside me and clawing their way around in my gut. I am tossed or turned, have no idea which, don't even care, and can feel myself retching. Something metallic is pushed down my throat, something ramming me in my stomach making me cough and choke, cough and choke, again and again as if I am being punished for something. Must have been one hell of a bad boy, dad

I don't know how much time passes before I wake. I feel so weak. Sore. The pain strikes sparks off my eyes when I try to open them. I hear something. Like an animal whimpering in the dark. No idea it is me until a voice responds. Soft. Anxious. Pleading almost. It sounds familiar but I can't place it. I am swimming, my head detached from my body yet still managing to somehow cause me pain. A hand touches me and I cry out. It retreats as if scolded. Once more I drift off. Not in the gentle arms of sleep but in the rough embrace of exhaustion.

Zhaan tells me I was out of it for three weekens. They nearly lost me twice. I can't remember the last time I saw Aeryn that frightened. It had never been my intention to scare anyone. I was just hurting so much I wanted to opt out for a while. You should have heard the dressing down I got but somehow it didn't hurt any more. Nothing did. All I could focus on were the tears in Aeryn's eyes. Tears. That's right, Dad. Seems I got through to her after all

"Don't you *ever* do that to me again, John Crichton!"

The words were softly spoken, more fear than threat. I listened to them in wonder. Unable to answer her for the raw pain in the my throat. It seems that drink I had been so fond of was alive. It was also deadly poisonous to many species. Humans included. How Zhaan figured that one out I don't know but I'm grateful she did. I don't even want to go into what they had to do to get all the creatures out of me but if they had failed they would have eaten their way out through my gut. Made me appreciate the benefits of being tea-total. I was so tired but I didn't want to close my eyes. Was afraid if I did the Aeryn Sun who was gently stroking my face and talking to me would disappear and I would wake to Peace Keeper Sun ripping me up for ass paper. Oh God, Aeryn, do you have any idea what you do to me? Then, wonder of wonders Dad, she kissed me. Just a light gentle brush of her lips but she was looking into my eyes when she did it, Dad. That makes it deliberate, right? That means she likes me, just a little. I try to smile back, want to tell her not to cry. I'm gonna live and I'm gonna make it up to her, but I'm so tired and I can't hold back the night any longer. I feel Aeryn stroke my cheek, words fall on my ears like cotton wool. All muffled but warm to my senses. My heart stirring from that dark vision of hell I had consigned it to. A tiny, warm, miniscule ray of light leaking through a Peace Keeper grill. Passed the heavy shutters that lock out inconvenient things like emotions. My heart warms, kick started back into surfacing. Recognising the little sliver of light for what it is. Hope. Thanks to you Aeryn, I have hope again. And when I wake I am going to dry all those tears of yours. Find a way to show you that life can be good if you care about someone. Even better if you can learn to love them...


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