Work Text:
First kiss
by Kata Avalon
Disclaimers: They're mine! *ahem* Just kidding, could not resist the temptation.
Notes: for Mongoose July 4 contest
***
Why couldn't he do it? Why couldn't he say those few words? What was he so afraid of? Blair loved him; he knew that perfectly well, there was no doubt about the issue in his mind. Blair's love was on the same level of certainty as death and taxes. So why was he still standing on the sidelines, waiting?
He sighed and toyed with his beer. Why the fuck did he have to be so bloody insecure in his love life? *Maybe because so far it's been a disaster, a 7.2 in the Richter scale,* Jim snorted to himself.
What was there to be insecure about in this particular case? They were the senior sentinel-guide pair at the Cascade PD; they were doing quite well professionally and personally. Blair had even stopped chasing every cute thing he saw and was concentrating on just one person nowadays, Jim. But did he love the person he thought Jim could be? Or did he actually accept him as he was? That was the main question floating in Jim's mind, the stumbling block in his personal life. No lover he had been with had ever accepted him; they had all wanted to change him. He wanted to be loved for who he was, and refused to let others mould him as they pleased. So far, everyone had considered his attitude unacceptable and had said so, quite loudly. He did not want to go through all the quarrels and disappointments again, least of all with his guide. He did not have the patience or the strength anymore; it would really ruin their partnership, for good.
So what to do? Just asking Blair was a possibility, but that would mean putting an end to it, one way or another. He was not sure he wanted that. At least this way he had the illusion of a chance. But the nerve-racking uncertainty was getting to be too much to bear.
He sighed and drank up the remains of his by now warm beer. *Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Seems like it's the story of my life.*
He left the smoky bar and drove home to a warm and inviting loft he shared with his guide. *But for how long?* Blair had moved in after his apartment building was burned down as a result of an impromptu Friday party and had not yet found a new flat. He had not actively sought one, not for some time, and Jim was pretty sure Blair had put the search on ice until after the current stalemate ended. Yet another reason why he was so reluctant to resolve the issue.
***
The next few days were spent chasing after the Sunrise Patriots who had decided that July 4 would be a really good day to advertise their cause by killing a few dozen people. Luckily the good guys were able to catch the explosives before they were planted and to arrest a few middlemen. The ones high up remained free, unfortunately. Not that anyone had expected anything different. Hoped, yes, but not really expected.
***
"So, what are your plans for Saturday?" Simon asked Blair as the guide gave him the finished report on the bomb threat. It was promising to be a sunny and warm week, and some of the MC gang were planning a picnic in the central park to watch the official and unofficial festivities.
"There's an annual picnic outside the city arranged by the Guide Guild," Blair told him. "It's a quiet place well away from all the noise, lights and smells of the festivities. And it's pretty romantic place, too," the guide added with a grin.
Simon smiled. The guide had been chasing his sentinel for some time, but the captain had a feeling that this time Blair was serious. Jim did not stand a chance.
Simon followed the guide with his gaze as Blair left the office and walked over to the pair's desk.
*Does he want to be caught?* the captain suddenly wondered. Jim had been reluctant to take up the flirting. Maybe he honestly did not want to have a sexual relationship with his guide? Simon hoped Blair would be able to handle the rejection well if that was the case. Otherwise it could spoil a good sentinel-guide relationship.
Simon made a mental note to stack up on aspirins and whiskey, just in case.
***
The preparations for the trip were done with ease born out of experience and knowledge of each other's preferences and requirements. Nothing went wrong or was forgotten, but still Blair could not help but think that something was off. The sentinel was unusually quiet the whole evening and in the morning as they drove to the cottage Jim was silent and downcast, though he tried to hide it from his guide. The said guide was getting real worried by the time they reached the last intersection; the sentinel had barely said two words during the three-hour ride on the quiet roads of early morning.
***
"Hi! Blair, Jim. Nice to see you here so bright and early," a grey haired grandmotherly woman greeted the pair as they stepped out of the car.
The Guild's cottage was a large and sprawling two-storey house with a few bungalows scattered here and there. The place was situated on the slopes of the Cascade Mountains. There was an apple orchard and a lawn bordered by flower benches and trees. The garden and the lawn could rival any golf course in neatness. It was a peaceful and beautiful place, designed to offer peace and relaxation to a sentinel-guide pair. Alena Mikel had been a caretaker of the place for almost two decades, ever since she lost her sentinel in a drug bust gone wrong.
"Just finished a major case and decided to leave early," Blair said and hugged her warmly. He had always liked her.
Jim got their packs from the truck and moved to take them into the house.
"And where are you going? Come here so I can greet you properly," Alena said mock seriously.
Jim put the packs down and moved to hug her. "Happy to see you, Alena," he said somewhat listlessly.
"Now, what's wrong?" the older woman asked shrewdly as he moved away from her. "You're way too sad for such a young sentinel."
Jim opened his mouth and closed it, discarding the automatic 'it's nothing'. "I'm not sure," he said instead.
After a short moment of silence, Alena merely nodded her head. "Come see me, when you do."
"I will," Jim promised.
"Now, I'll show you to your room and you can relax until lunch," Alena said and showed them to a warm room on the second floor. The room had a beautiful view over the front yard and the forest.
Blair waited until they had unpacked before confronting his sentinel.
"Okay, come here, Jim," he said sternly, patting the bed covers beside him. Jim walked to the bed and sat down, looking like a little boy expecting a scolding from his father.
"Something has been bothering you for a while now. What is it?"
Jim concentrated on the carpet under their feet.
"You do know what it is," Blair stated. He swallowed and turned his head to look at the patterns of the carpet. It was your usual carpet with oriental ornamentation, not really deserving such scrutiny.
"Is it because... Have I pushed too far, too strongly?" the guide asked quietly. He had thought about it during the ride here and had come up with little else as the cause for Jim's mood.
Jim sighed and turned his gaze up to look out the window, still refusing to look at his guide.
"Not exactly. You've been honest about how you feel, and I've kind of enjoyed the flirting, but I..." Jim was not sure how to end the sentence. What to say?
Blair could feel an icy shiver running through his spine. "You don't feel like that about me? It's not mutual?"
"Gods, no!" Jim finally turned to look at Blair. His heart ached at the desolate look on Blair's face. "I. Love you. It's just... I'm not sure how you..."
"What is it you're not sure of?" Blair asked gently. His heart had warmed at the words, but if Jim loved him, why was he still hesitating?
Jim took a deep breath. He looked steadily at Blair. "Do you love *me*? As I am now? Or would you want me to change?"
Blair sat on the bed totally confused. He blinked and told his brain to get in gear. Jim was not sure if Blair loved him *as he was*. He pondered the words and the meaning behind them. Would he want to change his sentinel? Well, Jim was somewhat quiet and you had to drag things out of him, current discussion was a proof of that, but when they did talk, it made up for the lack. Jim was somewhat 'stick to the rules', but could bend them like a pro when needed, so that was no problem. The sentinel was not perfect, but Blair was not looking for perfection, he had had enough of that, thank you very much. Perfection had proved to be empty, cold and impersonal. Unlike Jim, very much unlike Jim.
Yes, he was in love with Jim, but he also *liked* him.
"Yes, I want you as you are," Blair answered seriously.
Now it was Jim's turn to sit still like a statue. "You... you do?" he blurted out.
Blair nodded. The next second, he was holding a large sentinel in his arms.
"loveyouloveyouloveyou," Jim was whispering into his ear as he hugged Blair tight enough to cause bruises.
Blair held on just as tightly and occasionally kissed Jim's hair or neck.
"I'd really like to continue this, but there's lunch waiting for us, not to mention a dinner buffet out by the lawn later on," Blair pointed out sensibly after they had both calmed down some.
Jim untangled himself from his guide and sat up on the bed. "Right, sorry."
Blair raised Jim's head. "Nothing to be sorry about. Nothing," he said seriously.
Jim nodded with a small smile.
"Now, let's see if Alena needs our help, okay?"
"Okay."
***
Alena was most grateful for the offer of help, but made it quite clear that she and her staff could manage everything, no help from blundering well-meaning males needed, thank you anyway.
Blair steered them to the porch to relax and just be with each other. There had been enough talking for a while, now they just needed to reconnect. And it was nice to sit with Jim in a warm July evening with the sun warming the air just right. It was the first real breather they had had for some time.
***
The others began to arrive around lunchtime, car by car.
All the sentinel-guide pairs in the region gathered in the cottage for the occasion. Some had non-sentinel/guide wives or husbands and most had children, except for Jim and Blair and a younger pair from a neighbouring small town. All in all, there were 12 pairs and their families sitting around the table that afternoon. It made for a noisy occasion as well as crowded, and still somehow managed to have an air of a family get-together. (The type where everyone knows each other, that is, not the kind where Aunt Bessie tries to blackmail Cousin Albert and Uncle Mikey refuses to speak to Milfred's fifth husband.)
***
The weather stayed warm and sunny with nothing but fluffy would-be clouds marring the sky. There were no fireworks or loud music, no smoking barbecues or spicy food, but still it was a traditional July 4th get-together. Quite successful, too.
***
That evening, Blair was sitting on the lawn, propped up by a large oak and holding Jim in his arms. The parents were herding their children to bed. The sun was setting and the sky was clear. The nighttime birds and critters were taking over from their daytime colleagues.
*This must be what happiness is like*. He was full (Alena had overdone herself with the buffet, as usual), surrounded by friends, holding his love (they had settled into a warm companionship after the talk earlier that day) and had absolutely no worries at the moment (he was pretty sure that would change in the next few days, but who cared). This was definitely as close to heaven as you could get.
Jim squirmed in his arms. Blair tightened his hold. He was never going to let go.
"Blair, wouldn't we be more comfortable in bed?" Jim asked, wiggling his back, and coincidentally his bottom. And a shapely one it was.
"probably, but don't wanna move," Blair mumbled.
Jim chuckled. "Come on, my backside's getting wet and I want to get into a nice, comfy bed. Preferably with you." The last was said quietly, almost hesitantly.
Blair sat up straighter. "Always want you," Blair whispered into Jim's ear nearest his mouth. "Never doubt that."
Jim swallowed and nodded.
"How about we go up to our room and I'll show you?" Blair asked slyly.
"Sounds good," Jim answered, twisting in Blair's arms so they could kiss. It was their first kiss, Blair suddenly realised. The first of many to come.
***
The end