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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
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2,942
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1/1
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12
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1,669

Secret

Summary:

Some secrets are best left buried, some are fatal if left alone.

Work Text:

Disclaimers: *deep sigh* They are not mine, but please can I play with them?

***

Jim was sitting on the couch, rocking, hugging himself. He was too numb to cry. *How could it go so wrong?*

He had admitted to himself that he was in love with Blair weeks ago, but had not done anything. Too cowardly to risk the status quo, but then he finally decided to take the plunge. He was an ex-Ranger, for god's sake!

When did it get so cold in here? He started shivering.

It had gone so well. Blair had smiled like an angel and kissed him. He had been in sentinel heaven, surrounded by his guide.

It had gone too well. He should have known better by now.

They had ended up on the large bed upstairs, getting newly familiar with each other. Blair was scenting, nibbling and fondling him. It was incredible. Then Blair had raised his head and asked Jim to turn around. The voice had been dark and husky, Jim had almost come from that voice alone. He had turned around. Blair had explored his back and feet. By the time his guide had prepared him and pushed in, he had almost come twice. Blair had not been patient, nor gentle. As soon as Blair was in to the balls, he had lain on top of Jim, covering him. Then he had changed.

Jim hugged himself more tightly. He could feel the numbness leaving, tears forming.

Jim could sense Blair shaking, transforming. The proportions shifted slightly, hair coarsened and spread, hands and feet changed. His guide was a shape shifter, a were. He could not get out from under Blair and no shouting or pleading would get through the mating haze.

*Why didn't he tell me? Why?* Jim looked up. Blair was sleeping on the large bed, sated. Jim started crying softly, tears breaking free at last.

***

Blair struggled into wakefulness. There was something, some noise that did not belong. He opened one eye. It was dark and he was not in his own bed. *What's happened?* He looked at his arm. He had changed. *Why would I -*

The memories hit him ruthlessly. Jim. Kissing him. Going to the upstairs bed.

*I didn't... Please, ancestors, I couldn't have...* He had.

Blair sat up on the bed and looked over the railing. Jim was sitting on the couch downstairs, looking small and heartbroken, crying softly.

Blair could feel tears streaming down his face. It was supposed to have been so beautiful. He had waited for Jim, loved him for months. He had had such hopes and dreams, they were all mere shadows and ashes now. Blown away.

He transformed back into human form and put his jeans and t-shirt on. He steeled himself and walked down the stairs, to his judgement.

Jim was shivering. Blair took the afghan and put it on him. Jim started at his touch, pulling away from him.

The rejection hurt. It was expected, but it still hurt. *I should offer votives and prayers of thanks if Jim ever lets me touch him again.*

Blair sat down at the other end of the couch.

"Why... why didn't you... tell me?" Jim asked in a hurt burdened voice.

"I'm only half were. I thought it wouldn't matter, it hasn't before." *But the others didn't matter as much.* "And I've kept it a secret for so long. There's so much prejudice and resentment toward weres."

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

Blair thought about it. "I don't know."

They sat silently, deep in their thoughts and regrets.

"If I remember correctly, we're mated now," Jim said quietly after a few minutes.

Blair nodded. "As far as the were community and my other half are concerned, yes."

"You think of it as separate from you?"

Blair snorted. "I know, I shouldn't. It's what got us into this... mess. But yes, I do." He shook his head. "I'm a shaman and a guide first, the were's something else. It's the animal side. Part of me, I know, but I just haven't been able to acknowledge it, accept it."

Jim rose. He was still clutching the afghan and looked like he never intended to part with it. "I... I'm going to bed. After changing those sheets," Jim said to himself, shivering. "I won't kick you out, I promise, but you're not... welcome upstairs. Not before we both come to terms with what's happened. If ever."

Blair nodded. It was more than he deserved.

***

Neither of them slept much that night.

Blair heard Jim leaving early. It was Saturday so he was in no hurry to get up, in fact leaving the bed never again sounded like a good option. But that would be the same as running away, not acknowledging what had happened. Refusing to deal with last night.

Blair rose unenthusiastically. He went through the morning routine by habit, not thinking about what he was doing.

He stared at the foggy mirror above the sink. Was that him? The same person who had stood here yesterday? *Let's face it, it's still you. The whole time it was you.* He had not been pushed away by the were, he had been there. He loved Jim. The were part of him had recognised Jim as the mate, the one he was ready to spend the rest of his life with. Blair had felt the overwhelming desire to imprint Jim, to claim him. He had heard Jim, but the protestations had not mattered.

He felt like puking his guts out, maybe that would help the feeling of nausea.

Blair stepped out of the bathroom and set everything up in the living room for a meditation session. It took longer than usual to centre himself.

He was standing in a clearing surrounded by a beautiful forest. There were well-worn paths leading away, but he took the faint, almost overgrown path. The one he had studiously avoided before now.

He walked slowly along the path. The forest was still the same, but there was a feeling of dread around him, inside him. He came upon a curtain of vines. He stood there for a long time, wanting to run away. He could not. If he ever wanted to have a chance to start again with Jim, he would have to do this. He raised a shaking hand to brush away the vines, revealing a darkness. He stepped through.

Blair found himself on a sunny meadow, facing himself.

"How... Where..."

"What did you expect?" the Xerox copy of himself asked. "After all, I'm you."

***

Jim drove along without a plan, choosing roads and streets at random. Somehow he ended up in the city park. It was mostly deserted so early in the morning. Some avid joggers and pet owners were up and about, but that was about it. He found a vacant bench by the artificial lake and parked himself there.

*I suppose I got my wish.* He and Blair were mated. Blair's were half recognised him as his life mate, there would be no one else in Blair's life. At least, that's what the instructor had said during the study week for officers at the PD last fall. It had been part of the awareness programme for city officials, one of the mayor's better ideas. The programme included lectures on different minorities. Everyone had to choose at least three different subjects. Jim had chosen were, visually impaired and Muslims. Choosing sentinels/guides, shamans and homosexuals had seemed like a major waste of time.

Jim shivered. Last night had been rough, one-sided. He had enjoyed it so much, until Blair changed. His head knew it was still Blair, but his senses were telling him it was someone else. Worst of all, Blair had not stopped, had not slowed down. It was as if he did not matter.

Jim wondered if it could have been different. He hoped so. Somehow, he still loved Blair, but living in uncertainty and fear was not an option. As a policeman he had seen too many such relationships, had been a witness to too many crimes related to such relationships. The doubts were like poison. He wanted the life with Blair to be... secure. He wanted to feel safe and warm. *Is that too much to ask?*

Jim could feel the tears forming, again. He rubbed his eyes angrily.

If they could not deal with this... Jim was not sure what he would do.

He would give it a few weeks, if they could not find the connection, the ease, it would be over.

***

*Me. This is. Me.*

Blair stared at his copy.

"So, you're me."

"Yes, I've been trying to get your attention before, but you can be real stubborn about some things."

"The dreams. I thought..."

"You mean, you hoped."

"If I had... shit."

Blair started pacing.

"Okay. So, we're supposed to just... accept that we exist."

More pacing.

"I don't know. Will it prevent the stronger emotions from taking over? I don't think I could stand it if I ever hurt Jim again."

"You were a child the first time."

Silence.

"No one blamed you. If anyone, they blamed Naomi for not telling you everything about being a were."

"He almost lost a hand."

"He was about to fall down a creek. The adrenalin brought out the were. How were you to know about the claws, about the difference in strength between human and were? No one had told you about such things. You were just a cub."

"And now?"

"We're older, and hopefully wiser. You can control yourself, and the were."

Blair flopped down on the ground. He looked around him, thinking.

"Tell me about you."

***

Jim returned to the loft in the afternoon, with Chinese takeout. He could smell the meditation candles from the first floor. Blair was dealing with what had happened in his own way. Somehow it reassured him.

The evening was spent circling around each other. Jim was not comfortable around Blair and Blair was doing his best to accommodate him.

Sunday was pretty much the same. Jim drove to the beach while Blair wandered around himself and the spirit world.

***

Blair usually went to the station with Jim on Mondays as he did not have any lectures or courses. This time he told Jim he would not be coming along. He would be going to the were office.

Blair drove to a large old brick building near the city centre but still in an affordable neighbourhood. The building used to be a headquarters of a would-be trade empire. The firm had died a long time ago, but the building remained.

There were some children and teens in the yard. Blair did not recognise any of them, but then again, he had been here only when necessary. A couple of the older teens watched him warily until they got a whiff of him. Blair noticed the fresh graffiti on the walls. Messages were the usual; get to the zoo, your kind should be neutered, go back to the wilderness. Most of the police took the concrete threats seriously and there was no blatant discrimination anymore, but there had been a snake even in paradise.

Blair walked into the Cascade weres' headquarters, community house, social services centre and spirits knew what else.

"May I help you?" a receptionist asked.

Blair was startled out of his thoughts. He had been reading a notice of an upcoming summer picnic and had thought of going there with Jim.

"Most probably. I'm here to register a mating. With a full human," Blair said.

The grandmotherly looking receptionist smiled softly at him.

"Congratulations. Your name?"

"Blair Sandburg, lupine."

"Sandburg, let's see." A few clicks. "Sandburg, Blair. A shaman. And your mate?"

"James Ellison, sentinel."

"Okay." A few more clicks of the keyboard. She printed out a couple of forms. "Check the information and sign these."

As Blair read the papers and put his name on them, the receptionist checked something on her computer.

"Would you like to reserve a time for the confirmation ceremony?" she asked as Blair gave the signed papers back.

"Not yet."

"Just remember to do it within three weeks."

"I will. Thank you."

Blair went to the library on the second floor.

***

Jim looked at the couple of books and a booklet Blair had given him, saying that he needed to know enough to ask questions and make a decision. He would have to read them, and see which one to buy. He definitely needed to know more about the theory.

Jim opened the first book. It was about the basics of being a were, with emphasis on present day. The other book was about the history. He was more concerned about the present. Jim left the booklet for later. It was about weres as lifemates.

Blair had said that he had not reserved a time for the confirmation ceremony. They could have a private one, or Jim could refuse to have one. He was not sure he wanted to refuse.

***

The week was like getting to know each other all over again. Blair was more open about being able to smell almost as well as Jim, about having a rapport with dogs. Jim noticed the undercurrent in Blair's scent that signalled a were. He had noticed it before, but he had considered it just a part of Blair. The significance of it had not registered before.

Blair was still Blair. He just seemed... whole. It was as if some inner tension was gone.

Jim noticed that he was not as overprotective of his guide as before. Now he *knew* Blair could take care of himself, could hold his own against any crook.

Then came the case with the arms smugglers.

***

*Nothing to it, Sandburg. The information is solid; the trap is secure. What could go wrong?*

Blair ducked behind a skeleton of a car. The smugglers had decided to hold a meeting on a junkyard. Major Crimes had heard of the upcoming sales meeting and as dutiful police officers had decided to take advantage of a golden opportunity to bust the whole gang.

*Right. Next time Brown mouths off like that, I'll punch his lights out. Such comments guarantee that something will go wrong.*

Some rookie had tipped their hand before time and an all-out shootout had commenced.

Blair looked for his sentinel. Jim was about seven feet to his right, unharmed. Though Blair was pretty sure he would know if Jim was seriously injured. Then again, he *was* only half-were. *I really have to call grandfather one of these days.*

The shooting was dying down as the uninjured smugglers were surrendering one by one. Blair rose from his crouch to check the situation. Suddenly he turned toward Jim.

One of the smugglers had gotten behind Jim. Jim heard him and was turning around, but too late. The guy shot at him.

*He hurt Jim.* Blair did not even try to dam the flow of rage going through him. He ran towards the shooter, changing fully. His were animal was a wolf, a very large wolf since weres did not change in size, just in form.

Blair attacked the smuggler, intent on eliminating the threat to his mate.

***

Jim walked carefully into the loft. The bullet had not damaged anything vital, but he had still had to stay in the hospital for four days. He hated the smell and the sounds of a hospital.

"Would you like some tea?" Blair asked. His guide had been hovering around the whole time, acting like the proverbial mother hen.

"Sure, anything to get the taste of the hospital food out of my mouth." Jim went over to the couch and sat down. It felt good to be home.

He watched Blair fixing tea in the kitchen. Simon had told him what had happened. He could have sworn Simon had seemed two shades paler. At least Blair would not be prosecuted for it since the dead smuggler had been armed and trying to kill him. The others who had been present seemed in awe of Blair, and a bit afraid. As for the were community, Blair had called his grandfather from his father's side. The elder were was considered the head of the pack and in a way responsible for the actions of the younger ones. There had been a conference with the other elders. After hearing Blair's tale, it was decided that he would have to go the counsellor for a few weeks. If the report was favourable, that would be it. Blair had made it a point to tell him that the elders had assured him that the loss of control over changing while with someone happened only during the first mating with a lifemate. In the future, Blair would have total control over the changing during their lovemaking. Jim knew he would have to become at least halfway comfortable of Blair changing in bed, one day. After all, it was part of what Blair was. Right now the mere thought made him shiver.

There was one question about the latest incident that bothered him.

"Blair?" His guide turned at the soft question. "Why?"

Blair walked toward the couch.

"He hurt you." A simple statement.

Jim stared at Blair, stunned. Blair had... taken a life. For him.

Blair sat down beside him. He was waiting for Jim's answer.

Jim was not sure what to say. Blair had killed, for him, to save him. Somehow it seemed like... a commitment.

Jim reached for Blair's hand.

"I still love you. I'd be happy to invite our friends to the ceremony. "

***

End