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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Secrets

Summary:

Rating: PG13/Pre-Slash-Gen
Characters: Don, Charlie
Length: 1894 words
Spoilers: Through 1.03 Vector.
Summary: "I kept a lot of secrets, you know," Charlie said, finally breaking the silence.
Notes: Missing scene for 1.03 Vector. Can be read as Gen even though I labeled it Pre-Slash; it's just that in my mind, it all leads to the slash. *g* Some angst because, well, it's the Eppes boys! Written for Numbers Flashfiction Challenge #3: Secrets.
Feedback: Would be appreciated.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Written: December 9, 2005
Submitted through the SlashByTheNumb3rs_2 mailing list.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Secrets
by Spikedluv

You know you've never been really good at keeping secrets. Think about it. Charlie.
~Don, 1.03 Vector

 

Don followed Charlie out of the hospital ward, but the elevator doors slid closed just before he reached them. He didn't catch up to him until he got to the front doors, where he could see Charlie through the glass. He was just standing on the sidewalk as if he'd forgotten where he was going. Don pushed the door open and stood beside him.

"Come on," he said, touching Charlie's arm. "I'll give you a ride home."

Charlie jerked his arm away. "I'll take a taxi. I'm sure you've got to get back to the office."

"Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, let me give you a ride."

Charlie glared at him. "I'm not being ridiculous, I just need some time to, to process. And I'm not twelve years old, anymore." Charlie turned and walked away.

Don watched him for a few seconds, wondering when things had gotten so complicated between them, then went after him.

"I know you're not twelve, Charlie."

Charlie didn't respond, just kept walking as if Don wasn't even there.

Don sighed, frustrated. "Although you're acting twelve right now."

"Fuck you, Don."

The words were soft, and Don barely heard them. He wasn't even sure he'd heard them correctly.

"Just go away and leave me alone."

Don grabbed Charlie's arm and swung him around. "Look, I'm sorry I said that, all right? Can we just go, now?"

"You can go any time," Charlie said, trying to pull away, but Don had learned his lesson and kept a tight grip.

"I said," he gritted out, "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry you said it," Charlie corrected, "but whether you said it or not, you still think it."

"Charlie...." Don sighed. "Do we have to do this now?"

"No," Charlie said, "we don't. But after this case is over, maybe you should find someone else to consult with, since I'm, you know, so bad at keeping secrets."

"All right, that's it." Don dragged Charlie back to where he'd parked his SUV. He unlocked the passenger-side door and shoved Charlie inside. "Stay there." He angrily pointed a finger at Charlie, then slammed the door shut and walked around to the driver's side.

The ride to the house was made in silence. And not the comfortable, relaxing kind. A glance over at the other side of the truck showed that Charlie was hunched over, his arms wrapped protectively around himself.

He was not looking forward to having this conversation with Charlie, but it was his comment that precipitated the need for it, so Don knew he just had to suck it up and get it over with. He pulled into the driveway and turned the engine off, then leaned back in his seat.

"It was eighteen years ago," Charlie said, staring at the floor of the SUV.

"I know that, Charlie."

"Then why...why can't you forget about it?"

Don's first response was anger, but he toned it down before speaking. "It was a pretty big secret, Charlie."

"I know that, but I didn't do it on purpose, Don."

"How do you accidentally let something like that slip? Charlie, you outed me to our parents!"

"Mom asked," Charlie said.

His voice sounded sad, but Don was back in that time, sitting at the dinner table with their parents when Charlie had so calmly outed him. "And that's all it takes, huh, Charlie? Just ask? Maybe we do need to get someone else to consult, then."

Charlie's head came up fast at that, and Don saw the hurt in eyes moist with tears. "If that's what you think is best," Charlie said, then turned away, fingers scrambling blindly for the door handle.

Shit. Don grabbed Charlie's arm before he could open the door. "No, Charlie, don't. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that either. Christ! I don't know anyone else who can make me this mad, I really don't."

Charlie ducked his head, but didn't try to pull away from Don's restraining hand.

Don slid his hand down Charlie's arm and took his hand, held it. "So, explain it to me."

"Explain what?"

"This thing about...Mom."

"Oh, well, Mom talked to me. Well, she let me talk to her. She made sure I didn't stay lost in the numbers too long. Or, at least, not alone. Not inside my head. She'd always come and sit down beside me and say, "Charlie, what are you thinking about?" and I'd tell her." Charlie moved his fingers restlessly, as if he didn't know what to do with them when there wasn't a piece of chalk in them. "She'd let me talk for hours, sometimes. I don't think she ever had any idea what I was talking about, but she listened anyway."

"And so when she...?"

"She must have thought I was thinking about the equations I'd been working on."

Charlie was silent for a couple of breaths, and it wasn't the loaded, expectant kind, so Don let it wash over him. He relaxed back into his seat, Charlie's hand still held in his.

"When she asked me what I was thinking about...I just told her. There'd never been anything I couldn't tell her. I didn't know how to not tell her things."

"You learned."

"Yes. Especially after that. You were so mad at me."

Don wanted to deny it, but Charlie was being honest, and he could do no less. "Yes, I was."

"I wouldn't have done that on purpose, Don, but I knew that you thought I had."

"Yeah." Because he had. No matter how many times Charlie had apologized or tried to explain.

"Even though I practically outed myself, as well," Charlie whispered.

Don mulled that over. "So, you really were thinking about me and Joey kissing?"

Even in the low illumination from the outside light, Don could tell that Charlie was blushing. It wasn't the red creeping up Charlie's neck so much as the deer-in-the-headlights expression.

"Wow, would you look at the time. I should get inside."

"Charlie. You know, this would go a long way towards making me feel better about your secret-keeping abilities."

Charlie glared at him. "That's blackmail."

Don smiled. "I know."

"Fine, yes, I was thinking about you and Joey kissing. Can I go now?"

"And you thought it was hot?"

"Don, please...."

"Charlie?"

Charlie straightened his shoulders with resolve. "Yes, I thought it was hot."

Don didn't know what to say.

"After Mom and Dad talked to you, they came to my room and gave me the talk about the birds and the bees, and told me it was okay to love people for who they were and not worry about gender."

"They did? Charlie, you were twelve!"

"Well, Mom did. Dad paced a lot. And I know how old I was."

"Huh, wow. You know, I was so mad at you for spilling the beans about me and Joey that I never even realized that you'd outed yourself as well."

"Yeah, well.... Are we done here now?"

"No." Don tightened his grip on Charlie's hand even though Charlie made no move to pull it away. "I want.... I need you to know that I'm not still mad at you about that, even though it...might have...seemed that way. It's just, it was big, and sometimes I think about it. And I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't keep secrets now, because you have been, I know that. I mean, you've been keeping this secret, about the case, from Dad, and I know how much you want to tell him."

"Yeah."

Silence fell once more as they both processed the things they'd just shared.

"I kept a lot of secrets, you know," Charlie said, finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Like the time you climbed out your bedroom window to go to Tommy Kirk's party when you were grounded. Or the time you had Carol Shinneman spend the night the weekend Mom and Dad went to Carmel for their anniversary."

Don was dumbfounded. "You knew about that?"

"Or the time I spent the weekend with you in Stockton and you let me have a beer."

Don snorted. "I let you have one beer. Somehow you managed to get a hold of five more."

"It tasted good. And it felt good. I felt grown-up, because you let me drink."

"And you got sick."

Charlie chuckled. "Yeah. I wasn't feeling so good then."

"Neither was I. I was sure that Mom and Dad would take one look at you and know you'd been drinking, and then I'd have my ass handed to me."

"I told ‘em we stayed up late running your stats."

Don clamped his fingers around the back of Charlie's neck and gave him a little shake. Suddenly Charlie was crying, a big, fat tearing rolling down his face, and Don was shaken.

"Charlie?"

"And I never told anyone why you joined the FBI," he said, and then jerked his hand out of Don's, threw himself out of the SUV, and ran towards the house.

Don was right behind him, calling his name softly so he didn't disturb their father or the neighbors. He finally caught up to him on the porch.

"Charlie, wait."

Don grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, but Charlie struggled to get away. Don finally managed to subdue him and pull him in for a hug.

"Charlie, Charlie, stop." He ran one hand soothingly over Charlie's back, keeping the other locked tight around him.

"I'm sorry, Don, I'm so sorry."

"Charlie, it wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was. If I hadn't, if I...."

He hadn't expected this, though he probably should have. "Charlie, no. I didn't join the FBI because you kissed me."

"You left."

"I know, but not because of you."

"I don't believe you." Charlie's struggles had subsided, but he was still stiff in Don's arms.

"Believe me, buddy."

"Then why?"

And, oh, how Don wanted to lie right then. Wanted to keep his own secret. "Because I wanted to kiss you again," Don said, "and I knew I couldn't."

Don could almost hear the gears turning.

"So it was because I kissed you."

Don sighed. "In a way, yeah, I guess it was."

Charlie started to apologize again, but Don cut him off.

"Are you sorry we ended up here?"

"Right here?" Charlie asked, in a bid to stall for time that Don saw right through.

He lightly whapped Charlie on the back of the head, and Charlie made a little sound of protest.

"You know what I mean. Working together, hanging out together...."

"No," Charlie said, "no, I'm not sorry about that."

"Neither am I, buddy, neither am I." Don pushed Charlie back so he could look into his eyes. "You remember that, all right?"

"I'll try."

"Do, or do not...."

"...there is no try," Charlie finished.

Don grinned and gently chucked him under the chin. "You got it, buddy. Now get some sleep, huh? You'll need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow."

"All right."

Don kissed Charlie's forehead, then turned away. He was almost to the truck when he heard Charlie say, "Do you ever think about it?"

It was low enough that he could get into the SUV and drive away, pretend he'd never heard it. Yet another secret between them. His hand on the door handle, Don turned back to Charlie. "Yeah," he said, "sometimes I think about it."

The End
Don followed Charlie out of the hospital ward, but the elevator doors slid closed just before he reached them. He didn't catch up to him until he got to the front doors, where he could see Charlie through the glass. He was just standing on the sidewalk as if he'd forgotten where he was going. Don pushed the door open and stood beside him.

"Come on," he said, touching Charlie's arm. "I'll give you a ride home."

Charlie jerked his arm away. "I'll take a taxi. I'm sure you've got to get back to the office."

"Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, let me give you a ride."

Charlie glared at him. "I'm not being ridiculous, I just need some time to, to process. And I'm not twelve years old, anymore." Charlie turned and walked away.

Don watched him for a few seconds, wondering when things had gotten so complicated between them, then went after him.

"I know you're not twelve, Charlie."

Charlie didn't respond, just kept walking as if Don wasn't even there.

Don sighed, frustrated. "Although you're acting twelve right now."

"Fuck you, Don."

The words were soft, and Don barely heard them. He wasn't even sure he'd heard them correctly.

"Just go away and leave me alone."

Don grabbed Charlie's arm and swung him around. "Look, I'm sorry I said that, all right? Can we just go, now?"

"You can go any time," Charlie said, trying to pull away, but Don had learned his lesson and kept a tight grip.

"I said," he gritted out, "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry you said it," Charlie corrected, "but whether you said it or not, you still think it."

"Charlie...." Don sighed. "Do we have to do this now?"

"No," Charlie said, "we don't. But after this case is over, maybe you should find someone else to consult with, since I'm, you know, so bad at keeping secrets."

"All right, that's it." Don dragged Charlie back to where he'd parked his SUV. He unlocked the passenger-side door and shoved Charlie inside. "Stay there." He angrily pointed a finger at Charlie, then slammed the door shut and walked around to the driver's side.

The ride to the house was made in silence. And not the comfortable, relaxing kind. A glance over at the other side of the truck showed that Charlie was hunched over, his arms wrapped protectively around himself.

He was not looking forward to having this conversation with Charlie, but it was his comment that precipitated the need for it, so Don knew he just had to suck it up and get it over with. He pulled into the driveway and turned the engine off, then leaned back in his seat.

"It was eighteen years ago," Charlie said, staring at the floor of the SUV.

"I know that, Charlie."

"Then why...why can't you forget about it?"

Don's first response was anger, but he toned it down before speaking. "It was a pretty big secret, Charlie."

"I know that, but I didn't do it on purpose, Don."

"How do you accidentally let something like that slip? Charlie, you outed me to our parents!"

"Mom asked," Charlie said.

His voice sounded sad, but Don was back in that time, sitting at the dinner table with their parents when Charlie had so calmly outed him. "And that's all it takes, huh, Charlie? Just ask? Maybe we do need to get someone else to consult, then."

Charlie's head came up fast at that, and Don saw the hurt in eyes moist with tears. "If that's what you think is best," Charlie said, then turned away, fingers scrambling blindly for the door handle.

Shit. Don grabbed Charlie's arm before he could open the door. "No, Charlie, don't. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that either. Christ! I don't know anyone else who can make me this mad, I really don't."

Charlie ducked his head, but didn't try to pull away from Don's restraining hand.

Don slid his hand down Charlie's arm and took his hand, held it. "So, explain it to me."

"Explain what?"

"This thing about...Mom."

"Oh, well, Mom talked to me. Well, she let me talk to her. She made sure I didn't stay lost in the numbers too long. Or, at least, not alone. Not inside my head. She'd always come and sit down beside me and say, "Charlie, what are you thinking about?" and I'd tell her." Charlie moved his fingers restlessly, as if he didn't know what to do with them when there wasn't a piece of chalk in them. "She'd let me talk for hours, sometimes. I don't think she ever had any idea what I was talking about, but she listened anyway."

"And so when she...?"

"She must have thought I was thinking about the equations I'd been working on."

Charlie was silent for a couple of breaths, and it wasn't the loaded, expectant kind, so Don let it wash over him. He relaxed back into his seat, Charlie's hand still held in his.

"When she asked me what I was thinking about...I just told her. There'd never been anything I couldn't tell her. I didn't know how to not tell her things."

"You learned."

"Yes. Especially after that. You were so mad at me."

Don wanted to deny it, but Charlie was being honest, and he could do no less. "Yes, I was."

"I wouldn't have done that on purpose, Don, but I knew that you thought I had."

"Yeah." Because he had. No matter how many times Charlie had apologized or tried to explain.

"Even though I practically outed myself, as well," Charlie whispered.

Don mulled that over. "So, you really were thinking about me and Joey kissing?"

Even in the low illumination from the outside light, Don could tell that Charlie was blushing. It wasn't the red creeping up Charlie's neck so much as the deer-in-the-headlights expression.

"Wow, would you look at the time. I should get inside."

"Charlie. You know, this would go a long way towards making me feel better about your secret-keeping abilities."

Charlie glared at him. "That's blackmail."

Don smiled. "I know."

"Fine, yes, I was thinking about you and Joey kissing. Can I go now?"

"And you thought it was hot?"

"Don, please...."

"Charlie?"

Charlie straightened his shoulders with resolve. "Yes, I thought it was hot."

Don didn't know what to say.

"After Mom and Dad talked to you, they came to my room and gave me the talk about the birds and the bees, and told me it was okay to love people for who they were and not worry about gender."

"They did? Charlie, you were twelve!"

"Well, Mom did. Dad paced a lot. And I know how old I was."

"Huh, wow. You know, I was so mad at you for spilling the beans about me and Joey that I never even realized that you'd outed yourself as well."

"Yeah, well.... Are we done here now?"

"No." Don tightened his grip on Charlie's hand even though Charlie made no move to pull it away. "I want.... I need you to know that I'm not still mad at you about that, even though it...might have...seemed that way. It's just, it was big, and sometimes I think about it. And I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't keep secrets now, because you have been, I know that. I mean, you've been keeping this secret, about the case, from Dad, and I know how much you want to tell him."

"Yeah."

Silence fell once more as they both processed the things they'd just shared.

"I kept a lot of secrets, you know," Charlie said, finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Like the time you climbed out your bedroom window to go to Tommy Kirk's party when you were grounded. Or the time you had Carol Shinneman spend the night the weekend Mom and Dad went to Carmel for their anniversary."

Don was dumbfounded. "You knew about that?"

"Or the time I spent the weekend with you in Stockton and you let me have a beer."

Don snorted. "I let you have one beer. Somehow you managed to get a hold of five more."

"It tasted good. And it felt good. I felt grown-up, because you let me drink."

"And you got sick."

Charlie chuckled. "Yeah. I wasn't feeling so good then."

"Neither was I. I was sure that Mom and Dad would take one look at you and know you'd been drinking, and then I'd have my ass handed to me."

"I told ‘em we stayed up late running your stats."

Don clamped his fingers around the back of Charlie's neck and gave him a little shake. Suddenly Charlie was crying, a big, fat tearing rolling down his face, and Don was shaken.

"Charlie?"

"And I never told anyone why you joined the FBI," he said, and then jerked his hand out of Don's, threw himself out of the SUV, and ran towards the house.

Don was right behind him, calling his name softly so he didn't disturb their father or the neighbors. He finally caught up to him on the porch.

"Charlie, wait."

Don grabbed his shoulder and turned him around, but Charlie struggled to get away. Don finally managed to subdue him and pull him in for a hug.

"Charlie, Charlie, stop." He ran one hand soothingly over Charlie's back, keeping the other locked tight around him.

"I'm sorry, Don, I'm so sorry."

"Charlie, it wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was. If I hadn't, if I...."

He hadn't expected this, though he probably should have. "Charlie, no. I didn't join the FBI because you kissed me."

"You left."

"I know, but not because of you."

"I don't believe you." Charlie's struggles had subsided, but he was still stiff in Don's arms.

"Believe me, buddy."

"Then why?"

And, oh, how Don wanted to lie right then. Wanted to keep his own secret. "Because I wanted to kiss you again," Don said, "and I knew I couldn't."

Don could almost hear the gears turning.

"So it was because I kissed you."

Don sighed. "In a way, yeah, I guess it was."

Charlie started to apologize again, but Don cut him off.

"Are you sorry we ended up here?"

"Right here?" Charlie asked, in a bid to stall for time that Don saw right through.

He lightly whapped Charlie on the back of the head, and Charlie made a little sound of protest.

"You know what I mean. Working together, hanging out together...."

"No," Charlie said, "no, I'm not sorry about that."

"Neither am I, buddy, neither am I." Don pushed Charlie back so he could look into his eyes. "You remember that, all right?"

"I'll try."

"Do, or do not...."

"...there is no try," Charlie finished.

Don grinned and gently chucked him under the chin. "You got it, buddy. Now get some sleep, huh? You'll need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow."

"All right."

Don kissed Charlie's forehead, then turned away. He was almost to the truck when he heard Charlie say, "Do you ever think about it?"

It was low enough that he could get into the SUV and drive away, pretend he'd never heard it. Yet another secret between them. His hand on the door handle, Don turned back to Charlie. "Yeah," he said, "sometimes I think about it."

The End

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Spikedluv.
If this work is yours and you would like to reclaim ownership, you can click on the Technical Support and Feedback link at the bottom fo the page.