SquidgeWorld Archive

"You may have been only an observer, but you're the best cop I've ever met. You've been a great friend, you've pulled me through some pretty weird stuff." Jim was having trouble getting the words out. He could still see Blair standing at that podium, he watched as his friend, his best friend, gave up everything he'd worked at for the last four years, all for him. It almost brought tears to his eyes again as he remembered the cracking in Blair's voice, and the tortured look on his face as he addressed the media. Jim wasn't sure how to make this right, but he sure as hell was going to try.

"Thanks..." Blair said. He could hear the struggle in Jim's voice and knew that his partner was trying to apologize for what had gone on the last few days. He had managed a small smile listening to his friend say those things about him. They meant a lot and he knew Jim was trying his best to right what had become a really bad situation. He was still reeling from the impact of what he had done. He knew he had done the right thing though, and he would have done it regardless of whether Jim had gotten mad about the whole situation or not. Jim had every right to be mad, Blair himself was mad, he was mad at his mom, and mad at her publicist friend who just wouldn't leave it alone. And as hurt as he was by Jim's over the top reaction, he had to admit that he saw it coming a mile away. He knew Jim had trust and abandonment issues. Hell, he had become closer to Jim over the last few years than he had been with anyone else in his life. And he had a feeling he was closer to Jim than anyone in Jim's life as well. He couldn't pretend it didn't hurt to have his friend mad at him for something he had no control over, but he knew deep down that Jim didn't blame him.

"What do you say, let's get busy...?" Blair looked at his friend, and saw the turmoil and pain in his eyes. It wasn't a statement, it was a question. Jim was hurting, he could see it. Not sure what Blair was thinking, if he wanted to go "back to work" after the way he had treated him the last few days. After what he knew Blair had given up so that he could continue to live a normal life. Blair could see it was killing his partner not knowing if he even wanted to be partners with him again. He hated to see Jim struggling like that, and gave him a reassuring nod that said things were going to be okay.

They walked out to the parking garage in silence, both men thinking about what had transpired over the last week. Jim got in the drivers side of the truck and waited until Blair had climbed in the other side. But instead of starting the truck he turned to look at his friend.

"Look Chief - we'll figure this out. I don't know how, but there has to be some way for us to fix this." He stopped trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say next. He had to apologize, had to let Blair know the turmoil that had been going on inside him the last few days.

"I'm just glad to have this back," Blair said, motioning between the two of them. "I hated the way it's been the last few days."

"About that..." Jim stopped for a second. How did he explain what was going on in his head the last few days. The confusion, the flashbacks to his mom leaving, his brother betraying him, being stranded in Peru. All these situations he put his trust in someone, his mom, brother, his military family, and in all these situations he got abandoned, hurt, left behind. Blair had become part of his family, had gotten into Jim's life, past his defenses, closer than anyone else - including his family, Simon, even Carolyn. How did he explain that he was so scared of loosing Blair, of being hurt again. And this time it would have been different, he got over his mom leaving. He even got past and moved on when his brother pulled that stunt with his dad. His time spent in Peru turned out to almost be a blessing in disguise with the family he made in the tribe. But this was different - this was Blair. And Blair was the one person in his life that he could not bear to loose.

Blair was looking at him with concern in his eyes - damn him, all this going on, with everything he had said and done over the last few days and Blair was still concerned about him! He took a deep breath, he had to explain things, try and make Blair understand why he had acted the way he did.

"Blair, I'm sorry.... About the last few days, you have to understand. I was scared. Ever since you started editing the intro to your thesis months ago, I knew the time was coming when you would finishing up your project, and I've been dreading that day for a long time now. I just always thought of us continuing this research thing - and knowing that there was going to be a time, in the near future that that would come to an end scared the hell out of me. And then when it just came out like this - I know it wasn't your fault, and I know you would never do anything like that purposefully. I got scared, more scared than I've been in awhile. I didn't want this to end, our partnership... our friendship...." He looked up at the ceiling trying to conceal the wetness that was beginning to appear around his ice blue eyes. He took a deep breath and continued. "I guess in my mind I was trying to make it easy for you, to just say go - take the money, the movie rights, the fame. Even though I knew deep down that wasn't what this was about, it wasn't what you were in it for. I guess I just put the shields up - I was trying so hard to pretend it wasn't bothering me, that I didn't care about the Sentinel thing, about loosing you - that in the process I ended up hurting you. And you have to know, that beyond all else that is the last thing I wanted to do."

"Jim," Blair said softly, taking the other mans hand and waiting until Jim was looking at him. "I know your past, I know the issues you've had with your family, with the military,

"You have to know that no matter what - whether we figure a way to work this out with the academic world and I ever do get to publish my thesis, or I start something new to research, or I move on from this part of my life and start something completely different - this is never going away," he said, motioning again between the two of them. "This stopped being a research project and became much more than that a long time ago. You know that. We will always be friends, partners. I will always be your guide, your shaman. That is never going to stop." Jim leaned over and drew his partner, his guide into a hug and held him there for a few seconds. When they broke apart both men took a second to dry eyes that were getting very moist.

"Blair I meant what I said in there," Jim said pointing at the hospital. "You have been a great friend, more than a great friend. I'm not so good at the talking about my feelings stuff," At this Blair muffled a snort of laughter.

"Yeah, that's the understatement of the century..." He said under his breath. Jim hit him playfully on the forehead before continuing.

"And what you did having that press conference, you have to know that I realize what you were giving up in there. And believe me I am going to do anything I can to help work this out for you."

Blair smiled at him, "Whatever happens - I know that the path I'm on - me being your guide, you being my Sentinel - is the right one."

Jim smiled back at him, started the engine and they headed in the direction of the Cascade PD. They still had a case to finish and he and his partner were ready to take down whatever this lunatic threw at them.