Work Text:
Michael Palin...When nature calls
by Cheri
(idleslov@sonicwave.net)
(Michael is walking through an african village)
Michael: We are here in the village of a tribe called the Witchatis. The Witchatis have existed here for thousands and thousands of years. Their way of life has remained virtually untouched.
(he motions towards a hut in the center of the village)
Michael: This hut houses the white bat. The most sacred animal of the Witchati. The natives call him Shikaka. We have been allowed to enter this sacred hut.
(He enters the hut and is surprised to see someone bent over looking at an altar)
Michael: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize anyone was in here.
(Michael jumps back as a man jumps up. He stares at the odd shaped wedge on the front of his head.)
Michael: Um....I'm Michael Palin. I'm filming a documentary here.
Ace: REEEEEHEEEEHEEEEHEEEEHEEEAAAAALLLLLLYYYYYY? well....ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF!
(Michael stares in confusion as Ace bends over and grabs his butt)
Ace: Hello there. I am Ace Venturas asshole. It's nice to meet you. I would speak up but i'm afraid I haven't brushed my teeth yet and I have smelly breath.
(Ace jumps back up as Michael stares at him)
Michael: Um...Nice to meet you...Ace
(Ace shoves Michael back and runs over the camera. He looks closely into the lense.)
Ace: I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! YOU CAN'T HIDE IN THERE FOREVER!
(Michael taps Ace tentatively on the shoulder. Ace spins around and eyes him up and down)
Michael: Um...We were told this was the hut where a sacred bat is kept. Do you know where it is?
Ace (lunging at Michaels face) NOOOOOOOO
(Michael jumps back in alarm)
Michael: Oh...Okay...Nice to meet you
(They hurry out of the hut)
Michael: Apparently the bat is gone. Which is a shame, because the white bat is an awesome sight!
(As Michael continues, Ace walks out of the hut. He walks up behind Michael and ducks down. Slowly he raises up and rests his head on Michaels shoulder.)
Michael: Actually...we.....(He turns and stares at Ace)
Ace: I HAVE RECENTLY EXPERIMENTED WITH NUCLEAR WASTE AND THIS IS THE RESULT! IT'S PRETTY HANDY WHEN I DO A DOCUMENTARY, DON'T YOU THINK?
(Michael and Passpartout run desparetly away from Ace. Ace follows behind them with arms outstretched)
Ace: WAIT DADDY! DON'T LEAVE ME! I WANNA PLAY CATCH! COME BACK DADDY! I'M SCARED TO BE ALONE!
(Michael finally stops running and turns to face Ace)
Michael: All right! You can stay, just please be quiet, Okay?
Ace: pfffffffft, SURELY!
(Sighing, Michael walks away as Ace watches him with a goofy grin on his face)
Ace (spinning his finger in circles) LAAAHOOOSAAAAHEEERRRR
(Michael rolls his eyes and motions for Passpartout to begin filming again)
Michael: The Witchatis are an extremely nice people, They have been friendly and cooperative since we got here...We...
(Michael jumps as Ace makes a loud snoring sound)
Michael (gritting his teeth) SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Ace: WEEEEEELLLLLLLLL...Someone didn't have his Maxwell House this morning!
Michael: ARRRRRGH!!!!!
(He stomps over to Ace and stands glaring at him)
Ace: You know, You're nostrils flare when your angry!
(Michael raises his hand to strike Ace. He holds it in mid air beside Ace's face)
Michael: I'm giving you until the count of three to get the fuck out of my sight! One....
Ace (doing a kick step and singing) SINGULAR SENSATION EVERY LITTLE STEP I TAKE!
Michael (through gritted teeth) Two....
Ace: PEAS IN A POD! THAT'S WHAT WE ARE! AREN'T WE?
Michael (about to lose it) THREE!!!!!
Ace: OOOOOOOOO You can count to three, that's really impressive! Now we can start you on finger painting!!
(Michael screams insanely and begins to chase Ace around the village)
Ace (screaming back at Michael as he runs) YOU'RE NOT A VERY GOOD INTERVIEWER. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO THE PEOPLE YOU COME ACROSS, LOOOOOOSEEEEERRRRR.
(Michael chases Ace off into the jungle, screaming at the top of his lungs)
(British voiceover)
ON THE NEXT POLE TO POLE WITH MICHAEL PALIN....MICHAEL VISITS AN INSANE ASYLUM IN KENYA WHERE HE UNDERGOES TREATMENT FOR A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN...JOIN US THEN WON'T YOU?....
The End