Work Text:
False Sense of Security
by Burningchaos
Alright, alright everything is just fine
Here comes here comes a bundle of hiss
Alright, alright everything in my life is so
Fucked up fucked up I'm losing my grip
Some days I bleed, I fall like stone
I'm always afraid, I feel so alone, got a false sense of security
Its easy to see, I'm flat on my back
Giving me a real sense of insecurity
I sigh and I scream, I'm under attack
F.S.O.S The Exies
Security was such a fragile word. In fact if Sam hadn't liked books and school so much he would have never known the meaning of the word. The true meaning, not the way his father described it, as meaning having the right weapons for the job and always being prepared.
When he was smaller security meant being near Dean, because Dean was his bigger, older, smarter brother who took care of him. Dean had given him everything he could. He had always made his little brother's life as safe as possible. Bandages when he was bleeding, medicine when he was sick and always a knife under the pillow just in case. Dean was the only security blanket Sam had needed.
As he got older, smarter and wiser Sam saw that even Dean wasn't truly security. That it was just a matter of time before the big bad things that go bump in the night would breach the walls Dean had created for him. Sam realized he needed to find his own security; create walls and safety nets of his own.
So Sam left. He missed his brother and father they were his family. Only when it was dark would he admit exactly how much he missed his brother. Or how he missed all the little things Dean had done for him. He didn't miss the world he had been raised in, though, not one bit.
He learned how to live life in the sun and he learned how to forget for more then five minutes at a time the nightmare he had lived growing up. He fell in love and he made a life. He forgot the truth because he lived the lie so well.
That world began to fall away when Dean showed up and it shattered when Jess died. Now the lie was over and he all he had left was the brutal reality he had run from hard and fast.
Now he as he lay in his brother's warm welcoming arms Sam knew the security he felt wouldn't last. There was no security. There had never even been a glimmer of in their lives; it was like the Holy Grail unobtainable yet, oh so desired.
So as Sam lay unsleeping, his back pressed against his brother's chest he wanted to let that false sense of security linger just a bit longer. Because now Sam was smart enough to know he would never feel it any other way.
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