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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-04
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How

Summary:

Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Spencer Reid/Aaron Hotch
Spoilers: Everything up to and including "L.D.S.K."
Summary: Hotch reflects on recent events and future possibilities.
Rating: FRT, just to be safe
Warnings: Not beta'd.
Notes: This week's ep. was just too slashy to pass up. Timeline is kind of hard to keep up so I'm guessing it's similar to our time so Gideon joined the team in mid-September. The title and lyrics seemed to fit great with the ep. so there a little side bar. // indicates them
Archive: Yes to WWOMB
Disclaimers: Not mine, belong to CBS and it's affiliates. the title
"How" is a song by Lisa Loeb. It belongs to her and her people.
Submitted through the CriminalMindsSlash, MakeBelieve_YG and MakebelieveFicOnly mailing lists.

Work Text:

How
by SlayerKnight2

//Didn't come this far,
for you to make this hard for me.
And now you want to ask me how.//

All I had wanted to do was protect him.

Three years have flown by and it was only a month before Gideon rejoined the team that I'd finally gotten the nerve to kiss Reid. We'd been the only ones in the building, finishing up some paperwork on a recent case and he'd come into my office with his report. I'm not sure exactly what he said but the next thing I knew I was kissing him.

As impulsive as it was, I'd only intended to kiss him. You would think a profiler would be able to read people well enough to know if another person was interested in them. But this was not exactly something they taught you at the academy and it could be deceptive if you have a personal investment. So I wasn't positive that he felt the same way and I suppose that was my crash course to finding out.

Then he had kissed me back. That knowledge alone was thrilling and then he had started to pull me towards the couch but I'd hesitated. I didn't want him to feel obligated to do this because I was his boss. He seemed to understand and had kissed me again. As we'd collapsed onto the plush couch, my worries melted away.

//How does your heart beat?
Why do you breathe?
How does your heart beat?
Why do you breathe?//

The next day I'd told him I couldn't do this yet. There were so many obstacles in the path still and I didn't know where I stood. I was Reid's boss, the balance of power might become a problem, not to mention the fact the personal attachment could make field work tricky. And I love my wife; we're having a child together. But there was always something missing when I was with her, like an emptiness I didn't know how to fill.

He'd understood, at least he had said he did. He'd looked down for a moment, unsure, but Reid had mumbled that he understood and would give me some time. Then Gideon was back in the field and on my team. Well, I suppose it was his team. Regardless, I knew he was painfully perceptive of others and I wasn't ready for my boss to know about my affair with our youngest colleague. It had been hard but I'd made sure that every interaction I had with Reid had to do with the current case and he'd followed my cue.

But I still remember everything. I remember that my heart had pounded so hard that it had thundered in my ears and that my hands had been shaking like when I was a teenager after the prom. I remember how soft his hair felt and how good his skin smelled. I could still recall the way his hands had held onto me, moving over my back with such skill it still made me hard. And I can still hear the noises he had made. The worst thing to remember was how good it had felt to hold him in my arms afterwards, his breath soft against my neck.

//Why did you come here?
You weren't invited,
and you're on the outside,
stay on the outside.
And now you want to ask me why.//

Elle is asleep in the chair next to me and everyone else is sitting near the front of the plane, doing paperwork and reports. I'm sitting in the back of the plane, watching him. I'd been watching since we'd boarded and my gaze hasn't left him for over an hour. But he's been staring out the window since he sat down, most likely lost in thought. He might have put on a brave face for the others, even Gideon, but I could see past the facade. Although, to be truthful, the others might see through it as well. Reid was good at a lot of things but hiding his emotions wasn't one of them. His face was too open, too innocent.

I hadn't meant the words I'd said to him in the hospital. I'd been trying to get the sociopath's attention away from him. I knew the guy would shoot him if he pressed the wrong buttons by accident. The unsub was too narcissistic to tolerate any form of mistakes or missteps. Reid would stutter and the doctor would pull the trigger. I knew this without question but I wasn't sure that Reid did. So I'd used a tactic that Gideon had taught me when dealing with the type of unsub that we had.

I just hadn't expected it to go as far as it did.

//It's like.
How does your heart beat?
How do you cry?
How does your heart beat?//

I knew the words would be painful, considering the relationship we might have had. I knew that I was probably one of the last people he would ever want to have that opinion of him. But I needed the unsub to believe that I was a kindred spirit, just as fed up with the stupidity of others as he was. Fortunately for me and the other hostages, Reid had been the one I'd taken with me to go down to the E.R. Unfortunately for him, he'd agreed without hesitation. It was a rough ordeal for even the most experienced profiler to go through, let alone a 24-year-old kid whose had a badge for three years but has never had to look down the barrel of a gun.

I can still recall the way his hands had been shaking, and every time he had glanced back to look at me for reassurance it had cut through me like glass. But I couldn't risk breaking my connection with the unsub. I just prayed that he would use his genius I.Q. to put aside his emotional feelings and think like a profiler.

But things were coming down to the wire. I suspected we would only have a few minutes until the local cops lost patience with Gideon's stalling tactics and stormed the place. Then I knew the unsub had a 50/50 shot of shooting Reid. The whole time we were in that darkened hospital I was more worried about his safety than mine. Classic Displacement or momentary insanity, I'm not sure.

We only had one shot, both literally and figuratively.

//And there are some things that I like to figure out.
There are some things that I can do without.
You and your letters are gone forever.
You and people that were never friends;
never friends.//

It hurt to see the cut on his lip and the bruise forming on his cheek. And I knew that if I ran my hands under his sweater I would see the pale skin darkening around his ribs. But it was the hidden ones that worried me more. Reid had laughed off both forms of injuries but it had been hollow.

I'll never forget the way his body had crumpled when I'd kicked him after I had tackled him. It had taken every ounce of resolve that I had to keep kicking him until I was sure that he had grabbed my gun from the holster. And I'd had to focus to keep my face and tone hard even while I could hear him gasping in pain behind me.

The kid had been a crack shot, though. It had almost been worth it to see the momentary look of relief and happiness on his face. Almost.

//With all the things that you could be,
you never could learn how to be mean.
And now you want to ask me how.//

"I'm not sure who this is harder on, you or Reid?"

I watched Gideon sit down in the chair across from me, his dark eyes filled with a sad humor. Being across from the F.B.I.'s best profiler was more than slightly intimidating when you're trying to keep a secret. But I decided to remain calm and act as if everything was just as normal as it should have been.

"Well, Reid has some nasty bruises but I suppose that it's better than a bruised ego. Or a body bag." I had to control the urge to glance over at Reid again.

"True. Although it couldn't have been easy to beat the hell out of someone you care so deeply for."

I should have known better than to try to hide anything from Gideon. I offered a smile that I didn't feel. "This isn't a problem for you?"

He shrugged, folding his hands in front of him in the same relaxing way he always does. "It doesn't seem to affect the work out in the field."

It's a loaded answer. He knows how hard this was and is for me, as well as Reid. But he also knows that, when my back's against the wall, I will think like a Federal Agent and a profiler. The day I don't, somebody could die.

I look at Reid again, the same haunted look on his face. I know that there will be nightmares and I want to be there for him, to give him the reassurance I couldn't give him in the hospital or two and a half months ago.

"He's never killed anyone before."

Sometimes I wonder if Gideon didn't have some sort of telepathic capabilities. "I know."

"He'll have to adjust."

I sighed. "I wish he didn't have to."

"I know."

I brought my gaze back to Gideon. My mentor, my friend. "I don't know what to do. I don't know how he fits into my life or how I fit into his."

"You don't need to know that, not right now." He tilted his head to the side, indicating Reid. He smiled. "I'll cover you."

I stood up and walked over to Reid. When he didn't look up right away, I sat down next to him. He turned to look at me then, his brown eyes hiding a sadness that I can still see. I suddenly remember the tears that had ran down his face while the unsub had interrogated them in the hospital and I had bullied Reid. And for a second, I don't care if the others find out about us. I just want to hold him again.

But I know that neither he nor I are ready for them to know yet. We find out where we stand with each other first. Hidden by the furnishings, I reach under the table and rest my hand over his. It's warm and strong. He's smiles then, genuine and shy.

And his smile is better than I remember.

The End.