Work Text:
Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Smallville/Angel/The Invisible Man/But I'm a Cheerleader
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am making no money off of this.
The Real World: Bizarro Land
by AriellaGiselle
*****
{voice overs}:
Darien: The True Story...
Willow: This is the true story
Clark: of seven (semi!) strangers,
Cordelia: picked to live in a house
Lex: to find out what happens
Spike: when people stop being polite
Eberts: and start getting real.
Together: The Real World!
The Official: Bizarro Land
*****
[we see: Spike lounging on a red couch, smoking a cigarette, flicking the ash on the floor]
[Willow enters, lugging bags of stuff behind her]
Willow: Damn, come on! [tugs the bags] Somebody care to help me? [tugs harder, finally getting them in the house] (dryly) Thanks, people.
[Spike stands and walks to the door, a surprised, but pleasant smirk on his face]
Spike: Well, well, well, what 'ave we 'ere? Red? 'Ow'd you get roped inta this?
Willow: Well, I got this letter from the MTV people, asking if I'd like to be on the next Real World. I've always loved the show and thought, what the hell? Here I am. [Looks dejectedly at her bags] Hey, vamp strength! Help me up the stairs with these, will ya?
[Spike smirks again, hefting one of the bags onto his shoulder]
Spike: Oi, luv, whatcha got in 'ere? Dead bodies? No, 'cos that would be cool.
[Willow punches him on the arm lightly and begins the trek up the stairs]
[Cut to: Darien opens the door, looking appraisingly around the house.]
Darien: Hello? Anybody home? [drops a single bag on the red couch, wandering into the kitchen]
Willow: {voice only}: We're up here! Be down in a sec!
Spike: {voice only}: It'll take more than that! [growls playfully at Willow]
Willow: {voice only}: Spike!
Darien: [snorts] Already hookin' up. This is better than any episode of Real World I ever saw.
[We hear: A knock at the door.]
[Darien moves to open the door and let the newcomer
in]
[Lex stands on the stoop, looking thoroughly nonplussed]
Lex: I know I have the wrong house.
Darien: You here for the Real World?
Lex: [sighs] Yes, I can't believe I let myself be talked into this. Clark can be so...[wicked smile]
persuasive sometimes.
Darien: (confused) Clark? Is he another housemate?
Lex: [snorts, then considers] Damn...
Darien: [chuckles] Well, I'm Darien, and you should come inside before the others come down. I would feel way too awkward down here alone when they're up there doing...[shifts uncomfortably] whatever it is they're doing.
Lex: [enters the house] Nice. [turns to Darien] Who's upstairs doing what? [a not so innocent smile crosses Lex's face]
Darien: [glares incredulously at Lex] Come on, man, don't make me say it! I don't know who's here yet. I...don't even know your name yet.
Lex: [offers a hand] My apologies. Lex Luthor.
Darien: [shakes Lex's hand] Cool...Wait...*the* Lex Luthor? As in LuthorCrop?
Lex: [shudders] Yeah, thank you. I'm sure Clark will tell you everything he knows when he gets here.
[Willow and Spike come down the stairs. She is glaring daggers at him as he smirks amusedly at her]
Willow: (brightly) Hi, I'm Willow Rosenberg and this lousy lump here is Spike...uh, hrm, Spike, what's your last name? [to Lex and Darien] Known him for years and don't even know his last name... [smiles]
Spike: No need ta advertise it, ducks. That was a long time ago.
[Uneasy glances are exchanged by all, only to be interrupted by a knock on the still-open door]
Willow: [shocked] Cordy?! What are you doing here?
Cordelia: Me? What are you doing, Willow? And why is he here? [pointing at Spike]
Darien: Hello...Cordy? I'm Darien. This is Lex, and I take it you know Willow and Spike.
Cordelia: Yeah, I know them. Willow's all right, but again, why is Spike here?
Spike: Now, now, prom queen, I'm 'ere for tha Real World, or some such bollocks.
[Another knock on the door. A grinning boy enters the room]
Lex: (sternly) You, Clark, have some explaining to do, young man.
[Clark drops his bags beside everyone else's and crosses the room to stand thisclose to Lex]
Clark: I'm sorry, but how else was I supposed to get your good-lookin' self here?
[Looks of mixed reaction are exchanged by the others in the group]
Lex: (lowering his voice) You *will* make up for this later, Clark.
Clark: [kisses Lex chastely] Of course I will. [smiles brightly and turns to the others] Clark Kent. I see you've already met Lex.
[Introductions are made and the housemates go about choosing rooms and arranging things in the house to their respective likings]
[Two hours pass and the new housemates are sitting down to a dinner ordered from a local Chinese place]
Cordelia: [takes a bite of her food] Now *this* is what I'm talking about.
Spike: [rips open a bag of blood with his teeth and pours it into a mug to be warmed] Speak fer yerself, Princess.
Willow: [rolling her eyes] Ignore him. He's a little on the cranky side tonight. Can't figure out
why.
[Everyone continues eating until Darien looks up, visibly counting the housemates]
Clark: What's wrong, Darien?
Darien: Well, there are only six of us.
[Lex and Spike share a confused look]
Lex: And? How many of us are there supposed to be?
Darien: [looks around again] There are supposed to be seven. Where's our seventh?
Willow: Well, maybe Spike ate him... [snickers]
Spike: [warningly] Laugh it up, pet; you'll see who gets eaten tonight.
[Willow blushes and suddenly finds her dinner very interesting]
Clark: Maybe he or she's just late. They could've gotten lost. I know I've never been to Bizarro Land before.
Lex: (sarcastically) You've never been farther than Metropolis, Clark.
Clark: Oh, hush. [leans over and kisses Lex deeply]
[The other housemates turn away, except for Cordelia who gives them a nice, but highly fake smile]
Cordelia: (clears her throat) Let me make this very clear, you two. Yes, you're very cute, and it's all good, but this is dinner. Some of us don't need the overdose of polysacchrides every night. Capishe? Keep it to a minimum.
Lex: [smiles broadly] I like her. [offers her a hand] Deal, Cordelia, no, ahem, "make out" sessions on the dining room table. We'll save that for when we get back to the mansion.
Cordelia: [takes his hand] Good deal, Mr. Luthor. Now, about our seventh... Should we worry?
Clark: Why worry? He's bound to find his way here sooner or later.
Darien: Nice attitude, Clark. That's some mother's son out there.
Clark: I know that! I was just saying, he's most likely capable of taking care of himself. We should trust him to.
Lex: Not everyone's as...capable as you are, Clark. Remember that.
Clark: (slightly defeated) Yeah, you're right.
Willow: Maybe we should call someone. Ooh, or those people in that little closet upstairs! [jumps up, tossing her napkin on the table, and running up the stairs] {voice only} I'll be right back!
[The remaining housemates blink at each other, and waiting for Willow to return, strike up their own conversations]
Lex: And then we'll...
Darien: It's really a long story...and highly classified.
Clark: [blushing furiously] No! Is that possible?!
Spike: We've got time, and yeah, it's possible...
[Clark blushes an even darker shade of red]
Cordelia: [batting her eyelashes] I'm a very good listener, Darien...
[Loud footsteps coming down the stairs and everyone's head snaps up]
Willow: [smiles] He called a little while ago, saying that he got held up by work and that he'll be
here tomorrow.
Spike: Breathe, pet.
[Willow sticks her tongue out and Spike snaps his jaws at her, causing her to blush a bright red]
Lex: (clears his throat) Well, seeing as how this has been quite an eventful day for all of us, I think an early "good night" may be in order.
Cordelia: (teasingly) Ooh, so formal.
Clark: (around a mouthful of food) You should see 'im in a tux.
Lex: (chidingly) Clark...
Clark: Yeah?
Lex: Upstairs. Now.
Clark: [takes a drink and tosses his napkin on the table] Yes, sir! Good night, guys!
Lex: Good night, ladies, sirs. [throws an amused glance Cordelia's direction and follows Clark up the stairs]
Willow: Hmph, well, that settles that. I pity the poor fools next door to those two.
Spike: Um, ducks, that's you.
Willow: Damn...
Cordelia: Excitement much? I'm going to bed. I'll see you all tomorrow. Good night, Darien.
Darien: 'Night, Cordy.
[Cordy sashays up the stairs]
Spike: (proper British accent) Well, milady, care to retire?
Willow: [giggles] Why, thank you, kind sir!
[They follow the others]
[Darien exits the kitchen and flops down on the red couch, reaching for the TV remote]
[Fade to black]
The Official: {voice only}: Who's the mysterious seventh housemate? Tune in next week for the
revelation of the late arrival!
=====