Work Text:
WARNING: Violence and murder, silliness and dark humor
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon is the true Master of this Universe, I'm just a lowly minion with a computer.
The Many Deaths of Xander Harris
by Scorpio
SPIKE: I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored. I know! Let's kill som'thin'.
BUFFY: Spike?
SPIKE: Wot?
BUFFY: Shut up. Or *I'll* kill *you*.
SPIKE: Oooo! I'm shakin' in me Doc's, I am.
BUFFY: ::grabs up stake and lunges::
SPIKE: ::dodges behind the Watcher::
GILES: Children! Enough of that. Now...I realize that being stuck in a small room with the only door being jammed shut is no picnic, but *please*, let's try and remain civil to each other until we're out of here at least.
WILLOW: It shouldn't be *too* much longer now. I was able to get a hold of Xander on my cell phone finally. He was at work earlier and he said that he'll be over soon and he'll set us free.
SPIKE: Speaking of the whelp, let's play a game. It's called "The Many Deaths of Xander Harris"...
THE OTHERS: Spike!!!!
SPIKE: ...and we each have to come up with a way to kill the git.
WILLOW: I'd *never* kill Xander!
SPIKE: No, no, no. That's not how you play. See, it doesn't matter *why* you are offin' the ponce. Could be because he's terminally ill and you don't want him to suffer that slow lingering death with gobs and gobs of pain. Could be because he's turned into a demon and there's no way to reverse it. *Or* it could be just because it'd be a jolly fun thing to do.
BUFFY: You're sick. You know that, don't you?
SPIKE: I'm not sick, I'm a *demon*. Remember, pet?
GILES: The boy is like a son to me. Granted, an annoying son that I've wanted to bend over my knee and take a strap to on occasion, but a son nonetheless. So, if I had t.to...kill the boy, I'd want it to be as painless as possible. Perhaps an overdose of sleeping pills and painkillers?
SPIKE: You could always have him wash them down with a couple strong shots of whiskey.
GILES: True...true.
WILLOW and BUFFY: Giles!!!!
GILES: I'm not saying that I'm *going* to do it. Please! It's just...I send you children out to face down some of the most horrific monsters this planet has to offer on a regular basis. I've had plenty of time to resign myself to the fact that all of you will most likely die a painful and terrifying death. If I could offer one of you, *any* of you, an easy painless drifting off into eternal slumber, than I would take *that* over letting you be torn into bloody chunks of...well, you get the point.
BUFFY: Oh.
SPIKE: What about *you* Slayer? How would you kill puppy-boy?
BUFFY: Well, not *Giles'* way, that's for sure. I don't know enough about that stuff so I'd probably just end up making him real sick or something. I guess you have to go with what you know, so I'd most likely just...you know, slay him.
SPIKE: Wot? ::grins:: Just *slam* *gurgle* a stake through the heart? With no turning to dust required?
BUFFY: Shut *up* Spike! This is a *stupid* game. I can't believe we're even *doing* this.
WILLOW: I...I...I guess I'd use magic. I don't know. Stop his heart or something. Could I do that?
SPIKE: I don't know? Why...you wanna try and find out? Go for it, I'll even help you set up the spell if you want, ducks. Just...wait until the git has gotten us outta here first, kay?
WILLOW: ::blushing and squirming:: That's *not* what I meant! I mean that, like Giles, I'd want it to be quick and painless but I'm not sure if I could...you know, use magic to stop his heart.
SPIKE: Well, don't know about the quick, but the painless part would be true...for *you*. For *him* though, I'm not sure how pleasant a heart-attack feels.
WILLOW: ::eyes filling with tears:: I hate you. How can you be so mean?
SPIKE: I'm a vampire, luv. I'm *evil*. Being mean is in the contract. Read the fine print sometime.
WILLOW: Oh? Well, what about you? How would you do it?
BUFFY and GILES: Willow!!!
SPIKE: Me? Depends, really. With the chip *gone* I'd just chain him up somewhere with lots of privacy. Spend a day or two tenderizin' him by beatin' on him and maybe violatin' him a time or two. Then I'm not sure if I'd just drain him dry and turn him as he'd most likely make a good minion. Or maybe I'd just forget about the whole minion thing and simply pull him to pieces slowly, with my bare hands I might add, and let the quiverin' bloody chunks just stay wherever they land.
BUFFY and WILLOW: ::gag::
SPIKE: 'Course I *do* got the chip, so...I'm pretty much reduced to havin' a good wank while daydreamin' about offin' the idiot.
BUFFY: ::dashes across small room and slams Spike into a brick wall:: I should just stake you now. We can all gather up your ashes and use it as kitty-litter for Willow and Tara's cat. What do you think of that, Spike? Want to spend the rest of eternity being shit on by a small fluffy feline?
SPIKE: Grrr!
TARA: I...I...I w.would, you know, j.just sh.shoot him w.with a g.g.gun. Q.quick, pa.painless a.a.and not very m.messy.
THE OTHERS: ::blinking rapidly::
SPIKE: You know? Sometimes I forget that one even knows *how* to speak, she does it so rarely.
GILES: Spike, *do* shut up.
The large steel firedoor suddenly creaks and makes hollow echoing banging sounds. Then, slowly it opens up, sending fingers of dim dusty light filtering through the small cramped room. Standing on the other side is Xander, still dusty and sweaty from a long day on the construction site, he is smiling and waving at the group, a box of tools at his feet.
XANDER: Never fear, the Xand-man is here. Always ready to help out a friend and pull their collective behinds out of the fire...or, er, the small dirty room in this case. Well, whatever, your Knight in Dirty Flannel is here to the rescue.
WILLOW: ::sends horribly guilty glance at her best friend, thinks of her idea of using magic to stop his heart from beating and bursts into tears::
XANDER: Um, okay...not the response I was expecting, but...hey! Everyone's alive and that's what counts, right?
GILES, BUFFY and TARA: ::look away guiltily as they each wonder if they will ever be able to look the young man in the eyes again::
SPIKE: 'Bout time whelp. Do you have *any* idea how annoying and frustrating these bloody tossers are to be stuck with? They about drove me crazy. ::stomps out passed the stunned boy and disappears around the corner and down into the sewer tunnel entrance::
GILES: Um, er... ::pulls off glasses and begins to polish them:: Yes. Well, let's be off.
BUFFY, WILLOW and TARA: Right! ::grab up their stuff and dash passed Xander and up the stairs into the sunlight.
XANDER: ::lifts arm and sniffs at pit:: Okay, I'm not exactly springtime fresh, but *sheesh*, no need to race away like that.
END: The Many Deaths of Xander Harris
Scorpio
8th Sign of the Zodiac