Work Text:
Notes: Canadian spellings and terms may be found throughout...
Warnings: Extensive laboratory testing by the FDA shows that 13% of white lab mice, upon being exposed to this story, begin speaking Aramaic. Apart from that, it should be okay for a general audience.
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Avon's Big Adventure
by D. G. Valdron
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Avon stepped out of the room. Blake was there on the other side of the corridor, leaning casually against the wall. Avon crossed the portal, to lean up against the other wall. Nonchalantly, Avon folded his arms and gave Blake a haughty stare.
"I wanted you to see it," Blake said. "What do you make of it?"
Avon chewed his lip thoughtfully.
"It's either a waste disposal evacuation chamber for mass amounts of garbage..."
Blake nodded.
"Or it's a toilet," Avon finished.
"That was about what I thought," Blake said, "I was hoping that you could help me decide one way or another."
"Odd," Avon said, "about this 'Liberator'. It was obviously designed for humanoid beings. But every now and then we come across quite anomalous technology. That room, for example."
"Yes," replied Blake, "by going back to first principles, you can determine it was designed to dispose of something. But what?"
"It's a problem we are going to come across again and again as we explore this ship." Avon warned.
"We'll deal with it," Blake said confidently, "the problem now is to identify this room."
"Did you ask Zen?" Avon wondered.
"Of course," Blake replied, "it said 'there is no knowledge without discovery'"
"Hardly comforting. There may be only one way to find out." Avon said quietly.
Dangerously.
"Which is?" Blake asked.
"You will have to use it." Avon said.
"I don't think so." Blake replied.
"If it's a lavatory, you'll be fine, and we'll all be relieved." Avon argued.
"And if its not a lavatory?" Blake asked.
"I'll take good care of the Liberator." Avon said.
"I'd rather you tried it first," replied Blake, "after all, I risked my life on the Teleporter."
"We at least agreed on what that was. I have no intention of taking unnecessary risks. You are the self-appointed leader, this is your job." responded Avon.
"No." said Blake flatly.
"What a hero." Avon sneered.
"Look, I'm willing to risk my life for a cause," Blake said heatedly, "but I'm not going to be remembered as the man who died for a bowel movement."
They reached for their guns. Avon went first, but was a little slower because his arms were folded. Avon and Blake faced each other in the corridor, Blake's weapon pointed at Avon, Avon's waved uncertainly.
"I'm not stupid. I'm not expendable. And I'm not going." Avon hissed.
"Think of the crew," Blake said reasonably, now that he had the drop on Avon, "think of Jenna, Gann, Norbon, Vila. We need to know. We'll all take risks of one sort or another. If this is a loo, we have to find out, before someone uses the real garbage disposal."
"And if it is the real garbage disposal?"
"Try not to let anything dangle."
"No." Avon said with finality.
Just then Vila turned the corner. He stopped, confused by the drawn weapons. He had an odd look on his face, and he was walking with his legs held closely together.
"Ah," he said, "you're having a... conversation. Don't mind me, I'll be on my way. I was just looking for the bathroom."
"In there." Avon and Blake unisoned, pointing to the doorway.
For a second Vila hesitated, hung between desperation and fear, and then...
"Thanks," he mumbled, as he rushed through the doorway.
The two looked at the closed door. Slowly they put away their weapons and waited.
"I suppose we could have told him." Avon pointed out.
"That would have just worried him needlessly." Blake replied.
"It seems that you are willing to risk someone else's life for a bowel movement." Avon said.
"Vila has much lower ambitions in life than we do." Blake responded.
Avon thought about this, "True."
"Besides, if it is a garbage disposal, we'll remember him. I'll put up a plaque commemorating him as a hero of the revolution." Blake said.
"Maybe even a statue." Avon helped.
"I'd never forget him. Every time I sat on a toilet that wasn't about to suck me out into space, I'd think of Vila." Avon went on.
"There you go." Blake said, "You've missed out on a chance for that immortality."
"I can't imagine what was going through my mind." Avon said sardonically.
The door opened, Vila stepped, he wore a look of almost sexual satisfaction.
"Settled your difference, I see." he observed, "Well, I certainly am relieved."
"Very good," Blake said politely, "do you know what the others are up to?"
Vila paused to think about it.
"Well, Ganns found the kitchen, he's making supper. Jenna... well, Jenna seems to have found some sort of room, she keeps making these funny noises, but she won't come out. Says she's fine and she'll be out shortly."
"What sort of noises?" Blake asked.
"High pitched, sort of breathy noises. And there's this buzzing sound, very quiet." answered Vila.
"But you could hear it." Avon pointed out.
"I had to press my ear to the door," Vila suddenly coloured. "Well, I'll be off now."
"What about Narbon?" Blake asked.
Vila stopped, half way down the corridor.
"He was looking for the bathroom too. I haven't seen him lately. It's like he disappeared." Vila answered.
"Big ship." Avon said dryly.
"Brave man anyway. Teleporting up from Cygnus Alpha with a teleport bracelet that he'd stolen after the big fight. Another few seconds and he'd have been out of range." Vila shivered, "What a way to go that would have been eh, just appearing in empty space. Tempting fate, I'd say."
"We'll make sure he gets a plaque." Avon said.
Vila disappeared around the corridor.
Blake and Avon looked at each other, their faces calm and impassive.
Then they both bolted for the doorway.
The End