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Secret Smile
by The Tenth Muse
For another glimpse of Tao's secret smile, Dar would do anything. It was just a faint lifting of lips into a curve. It was the lighting of green-brown eyes into warmth and love. Dar realized that now, when it was too late. It didn't matter what he did now; Tao would never again look at him with that secret smile that spoke of friendship, that spoke of love.
Dar looked down at his sleeping friend, watching the firelight splash golden color onto relaxed features. It had been a long three days with Tao at the mercy of an unknown fever. A fever that Dar cursed and thanked simultaneously because while it had shown him who he wanted, it had also shown him who he could never have.
He was a little amazed that they were still friends. The game of death had been the breaking point. Tao felt betrayed, Dar knew that. He felt that Dar hadn't trusted him enough to tell him what was going on, what to expect. Truthfully, there just hadn't been time to consider Tao's feelings. He'd merely acted according to what he thought was best. That he'd come close to killing Tao in the process sent a bolt of agony through him each and every time he thought about it.
Dar knew now that he'd been foolish to ever not consider Tao's feelings. But it had seemed as though nothing would ever drive that welcoming look from his friend's face. The secret smile that Dar had assumed would always be there for him, unasked for but needed. He'd unintentionally discovered what it took to banish that smile forever.
Foolish didn't even begin to cover it.
Sighing, Dar hesitantly reached out to brush dark bangs from Tao's forehead. The fever had wracked his friend so badly that at one point Tao had gone into convulsions. Panicked, Dar had done the only thing he could think of. He had picked his friend up and doused them both into the cold, mountain-fed river.
Tao had cried out and thrashed in pain but Dar had held on grimly, aware that this was the deciding point. He'd held on tight and whispered his love into Tao's unhearing ears, praying that Tao would somehow hear and know what was waiting for him. He'd never been more grateful for his strength than at that moment because the scholar had grown strong over the past two seasons.
It had taken all his will not to let go and finally, Tao had relaxed into his arms, his head lax on Dar's shoulder. Dar had waited a few extra minutes even though he was freezing, then carried Tao back to the shelter. After building a fire, Dar had put Tao's clothes back on and then pulled the smaller man into his arms. He had known that it was probably the only time he'd be allowed to do so.
Tao had forgiven him; he had that much at least. Towards the beginning of the illness, Dar had told the other man how sorry he was about the way things had happened in Chalka. Tao had assured him that it was all right, that they would always be friends. But the smile hadn't returned and there was no light in the eyes that wouldn't meet his. Dar knew at that moment that neither would ever come to pass again. His heart had cracked into a thousand pieces, though he showed none of it to the ailing man.
Bringing his thoughts out of the darkness, at least temporarily, Dar leaned forward and pressed his lips to Tao's forehead. He curled onto his side to drink his fill of the healing man. Using one arm as a pillow, Dar let the other rest on Tao's chest so he could feel the now-steady heartbeat.
It was because of him that Tao was in this condition. Dar knew that he couldn't allow anything like this to happen again. Tao was too important to the world, never mind Dar, to let harm revisit the Eiron. He would leave before Tao woke and make certain there was no trail so he couldn't be followed.
Sighing, he whispered, "I love you, Tao."
*****
If it weren't for the lingering ache in his muscles, Tao would think the whole thing had been a dream. But he had that all-over discomfort that heralded a harsh fever. He felt clear-headed, though, so that was a good thing. Talk about strange dreams. Or more likely they were hallucinations. Nice ones, though. Being held in Dar's arms. Being told that he was loved and needed.
Yawning, Tao rubbed his eyes and looked around the shelter but saw no sign of Dar. Frowning, he pushed himself into a sitting position and called out, "Dar?"
There was no answer but that didn't, at first, bother him. Dar was probably off gathering food. But after several minutes with no sign of the other man, Tao called out again, louder this time, "Dar!"
This time the lack of answer sent him to his feet. It took longer than usual but he managed to get up without falling over. Climbing out of the shelter, Tao saw no sign that Dar was anywhere around the campsite. None of the animals were around, either, and that truly sent a flash of alarm through him. Usually Dar would leave Ruh if he was going for food or Kodo and Podo would be around if Dar had gone off with Ruh and Sharak to face some danger. Scanning the sky for the eagle, Tao yet again found nothing.
He shouted for his friend several times at the top of his lungs but there was no answer. It seemed as though the forest simply swallowed his voice, mocking his attempts to reach Dar with it. The next hour was spent looking for any trace of which direction Dar might have gone. Tao wasn't surprised when he found no trail. It was obvious that Dar didn't want to be found; at least not by him.
Feeling tired, Tao went back to the shelter to lie down. It would do him no good to work himself into another illness. When he collapsed back onto the pallet Dar had made for him, Tao noticed the supply of food off to the side. He was stocked up enough for several days with fruits and vegetables. That meant this wasn't a sudden departure. Dar had truly left him.
His sense of despair deepened at the thought. Tao had thought they'd gotten past their problems but that obviously wasn't so. Knowing that his weariness was adding to the emotion, Tao resolutely cut off the feelings and closed his eyes. He would sleep and gather his strength, figure out what to do next when he woke up.
**********
It was two days later and still no indication that Dar would ever return. Tao was starting to think that he'd have to give up because he knew there was no way he'd be able to track the BeastMaster. Tao had gotten much better at trail reading over the last two seasons but Dar was a master; if he didn't want to be found, he wouldn't.
On the positive side, he was almost back to normal and could break camp any time he chose. The only thing keeping him there was the thought that perhaps Dar would come back. If only Dar had talked to him about whatever the problem was. He knew they could have worked it out. Tao would swallow any and all of his pride to keep his friendship with Dar.
A horrible thought suddenly struck him. What if he'd let slip his feelings during his fever? What if he'd tried to do something to Dar while he was out of his mind? Heat flushed through Tao as he remembered the strange dreams of hearing Dar confess to love. What if he'd replied to those hallucinations aloud and Dar's leaving was his friend's way of sparing his feelings?
"What did I do?" Tao moaned, burying his face in his hands.
A sharp chittering noise sounded close by and Tao looked up instantly. Two beady, black eyes stared at him at the entrance to the shelter and a huge grin split Tao's face. "Kodo!"
The ferret chirped at him again in a scolding tone and turned around to leave. He looked back at Tao as though telling the Eiron to get off his backside and follow.
"I will never call either of you useless rodents again!" Tao vowed fervently as he grabbed his bag and rushed out of the shelter to find Dar.
They traveled the entire rest of the day and Tao only stopped when Kodo did to rest. He was determined to reach Dar as quickly as possible. The day was hot and long with the sun beating down heavily, even through the trees. By the time night fell, Tao was exhausted and reminded that he'd only recently gotten over a debilitating fever. He didn't even bother to eat before falling into a deep slumber in the shelter of the forest undergrowth.
************
Though Dar scanned the area yet again for the missing rodent with his mind, he found nothing of Kodo. The ferret had been missing for three days, ever since Dar had settled into the waterfall-glade. He knew that Kodo could take care of himself but Podo was worried. And if Kodo hadn't even told Podo where he'd gone, then that meant that the ferret didn't want Dar to know.
Which meant that he'd gone in search of Tao. If Kodo brought Tao here then the entire separation would have been for nothing. Dar didn't think he could bear to actually say good bye to Tao, one of the reasons he'd left while the other man slept.
None of his animal companions understood why he'd left and it was too complicated for Dar to explain. Ruh had gone off on his own in disgust at Dar's leaving. In his mind, Dar and Tao were mates but for the actual, physical act and one didn't abandon one's mate. Sharak understood his motivation but didn't agree with him. The eagle-human had been giving him an almost non-stop lecture about missing out on the love you were supposed to have pretty much since the beginning.
There was a sudden link from Kodo and in his mind's eye, Dar saw Tao sleeping restlessly. The ferret was very proud of himself and completely ignored Dar's angry thoughts at being disobeyed. Though the mental connection was faint, the image of Tao seemed tainted with worry and through Kodo's eyes, it seemed that Tao might have succumbed to another fever in his haste to reach Dar.
Groaning in frustration, Dar got to his feet and headed in the direction of Kodo and Tao at a fast jog. He leapt easily over rocks and large roots and ducked under the low branches seeking to knock him in the head. It was a little over an hour later that he silently approached Tao. His friend slept heavily under the scant shelter of thorny underbrush.
Dar stared at Tao for a long time, the moonlight illuminating his friend in muted relief. Moving closer, Dar knelt beside Tao and just stared at the other man. He hadn't thought to see him again and it was both an unexpected boon and curse. They'd been through so much together, fought and bled together, laughed and hurt together. His heart was demanding that he do whatever it took to stay with Tao, but his head was saying there was no way.
Tao's eyes opened suddenly and Dar's heart nearly stopped when it happened. Tao's lips curved into a tender smile and his eyes were lit from within.
"Dar! I'm so glad to see you!" Tao exclaimed, sitting up so fast that their heads knocked together.
Dar jerked backwards and half fell over, landing painfully on his elbow. It was definitely Tao, he thought in rueful amusement. Looking over at his friend, Dar saw him holding his own head with a grimace. "Are you all right?"
Tao nodded, his smile bigger. "Fine now."
A reluctant smile tugged at his own lips as Dar replied, "Good."
"Why did you leave me like that? Whatever I did, I'm sorry, Dar. Just let me know what it is so I don't do it again. I might have.might have said some things while I was fevered and if I did, if it made you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry."
Tao thought it was something that he'd done? Dar mentally slapped himself in the forehead. Of course Tao would think that. Wait, what had he said? Cautiously, Dar asked, "What things are you talking about?"
Just as cautious, Tao answered, "What things do you think I'm talking about?"
There was a nearby roar from Ruh and Dar would have staggered under the furious mental assault as well if he hadn't already been sitting. It amounted to an imperative, "Tell him."
Tao was instantly at his side, holding his shoulder to keep him steady. Dar looked into Tao's eyes and truly saw what was there for the first time. The love that he'd seen before, that he'd thought was for their friendship, that he'd thought had been driven away, waited there more intensely than ever before. Without thinking, Dar pulled Tao to him, sealing their mouths together in a hard kiss. Not even a second later, Tao's arms were wrapped around his shoulders and the smaller man had him flat on the ground, sprawled over Dar completely.
When the kiss ended, Dar was breathing heavily. He looked with wonder into Tao's eyes and whispered in disbelief, "You love me."
That secret smile, the one reserved just for Dar, appeared on Tao's face. Tao pressed a gentler kiss to Dar's lips then pulled back and murmured, "Always have."
THE END