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"If you don't mind, Danny, I'd rather be alone tonight," Joey said when Danny gave him a ride home.
Danny glanced at Joey, knowing how upset Joey was. "You sure?"
Joey didn't meet Danny's face and stared out the window. "Yeah, I'm not up for company right now."
When Joey was hurting, he usually wanted Danny around, but Danny wasn't going to push it. Sometimes, solitude was better then a sympathetic ear. "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."
Joey opened the car door and quickly got out. "Night." He watched Danny drive off before heading into his building. He silently climbed the stairs and let himself into his dark apartment.
Joey went straight into the bathroom. He needed to wash away the dust, sweat, and memories of the past couple days. He shook his head at himself again. //I should've had him.//
Joey looked at his haggard reflection in the mirror. That two day standoff had definitely taken a toll on his nerves. "Another step and you would've had him and he would've never taken that poor woman hostage."
Mike had said that it wasn't Joey's fault, that Joey did all that he could. Joey looked away from his own accusing eyes and turned on the water. His best wasn't good enough. Thanks to him, an innocent would have to live with the two days she spent with a psychotic killer in a stand off with the police.
Joey would never forget carrying her shaking form outside. She buried her head in his stomach and muttered "thank you" over and over again. He gave her to the paramedics and forced himself to meet her frightened gaze. "You're safe now," he said softly.
"Safe," she repeated as if she didn't believe him.
Joey squeezed his eyes shut, the guilt threatening to tear him apart. There must have been more that he could have done. He should've run faster or went into the building after them right away.
But Danny stopped him and made Joey call Mike instead. Then Mike wouldn't let him go in. "We have to be smart about this, Joey. If you go in there like this, you'll get the hostage killed and maybe yourself."
Joey stepped under the hot water. He bowed his head so the stream could hit the back of his neck. He sighed heavily and wondered how long that woman's face was going to haunt him.
Joey shuddered and turned his face into the spray. //At least she's still alive,// he reminded himself.
Intellectually, Joey knew he was being too hard on himself. He couldn't dwell on this or he wasn't going to be able to do his job. He had to let the guilt go.
Suddenly, Joey wished that he'd asked Danny to stay. He didn't want to sleep alone. It didn't matter if he would act like a bear. Danny would understand. Danny always understood. Sometimes, he thought he took advantage of Danny's soft spot for him.
Joey finished his shower, dried himself off, and put on a pair of shorts. He went into the living room and switched on the lamp and the TV. He plopped down on the couch and stared at the phone on the stand next to him.
"It's late," Joey said out loud. "You'll see him tomorrow."
Joey tried to get his mind off his problems by watching TV but nothing held his interest. He looked at the phone again and reached for the receiver. "The hell with it."
It rang twice before Danny picked up. "Hello."
Joey twisted the cord between his fingers. "It's me."
There was nothing but concern in Danny's voice. "How are you doing?"
"I know it's late but..." Joey stopped. Danny had as much shit to deal with as him. Danny just got back from a spur-of-the-moment trip to Indiana because they had a lead on Frank Holman. He wasn't being fair to his lover.
But Danny always seemed to know what Joey was thinking. "Do you want me to come over?"
"I know that I shouldn't--" Joey began to apologize.
Danny cut Joey off. "It's okay. I'll be there in twenty minutes." He hung up before Joey could offer any half-hearted protests.
Joey put the receiver back in its cradle. He watched TV without paying much attention to it. He just needed the noise in the background.
There was a knock at the door and Joey sprang to his feet. He opened it to Danny. Some of the tension immediately drained from his shoulders. "Danny."
Danny stepped inside and closed the door and locked it. Then he turned to Joey and wrapped Joey in a warm hug. "Joey."
Joey brought his arms up around Danny's back and clutched Danny's jacket. He buried his face against Danny's neck and shoulder. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be letting this bother me."
"It's okay. This job can get to all of us," Danny said soothingly.
"But you just went through all that stuff with Holman and the Feds--"
This time Danny stopped Joey's mouth by kissing him. Danny pulled away and smiled. "That's enough," he said with quiet authority. "I'm here now. It's late and I think we should both get some sleep. Okay?"
Joey gave Danny a peck on the lips and smiled back. "Okay."