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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
Completed:
2005-08-02
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8,397
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3/3
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Gibb's Dilemma

Summary:

He might be openen minded but it's not how he was raised. When Tony tries in a last and only effort to tell Gibbs how he feels before he looses him forever, Gibbs reacts the way he was taught. Will Tony be able to forgive him? Will Gibbs be able to make a choice between what he was raised to do or what his heart wants?

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Part1

Chapter Text

Kate was the official profiler. She's the one that Gibbs came to with all the profiler questions. She was good at what she did, but she could only see what she was taught to see: to look at the things in a person's life and build a story. Tony, on the other hand, could read people the way no else one could.

And there was no one Tony could read as well as he read Gibbs. Well, except for lately. It seemed like Gibbs was in a whole different world recently. He was still doing his job; it's just that's all he was doing. He no longer told Kate and Tony to stop fighting. He stopped joking around with Abby; he stopped barking at McGee. He hardly even went down to see Ducky any more.

He stopped hitting Tony upside the head.

Things were getting weirder and weirder. Tony could swear he heard the theme music from The Twilight Zone playing as Gibbs left at 5:00 for the fourth day in a row.

On the fifth day, Tony felt as if his world was coming to end when Gibbs walked in with no coffee. But that wasn't the thing the sent Tony's world twirling off its axis. It was the red haired women that ran after him.

"Jethro, You left your coffee in the car!" she said as she handed Gibbs his cup.

"Thanks," Gibbs said and if Tony hadn't watched his every move for the past two years, then he would have missed the slight blush.

"You must be Kate." Tony watched as the red haired Women turned a bright smile to onto his partner. Then she turned to him "And you must be Tony."

"Yes, and you are?" Tony tried to put on a charming smile as he reached out for her hand but it didn't reach his eyes.

The women shot Gibbs an amused dirty look. "Well if I didn't know you better Jethro, I'd think you were ashamed of me." When she looked back at Tony, the agent knew the next words were going to change everything. "I'm Beth, his fiancé."

Tony felt his face slightly pale and he grabbed the phone before it even had time to finish the first ring. "Abby has the report," he mumbled before running out of the office and downstairs.

He sat on the floor with his head leaning on Abby's knee. She didn't try to cheer him up when she heard the news. She knew that's not what he wanted, or needed. Instead she ran her hand through his hair over and over again, til she felt him relax and calm down.

"You should tell him," she said softly, once she was sure the words wouldn't send him into another fit.

"I can't. He'll... I can't!" Tony shook his head.

"He'll what? Fire you?"

"Yes!"

"If that was true he'd have me fired my first day on the job, and he wouldn't have hired Kate at all."

"There's no one in the lab better than you; Kate used to work for the President. I'm sure if he wanted to replace me all he'd have do is walk into any police station, snap his fingers and pick from the dozens that came running."

"Aw, you know you're the only one he wants running when he snaps his fingers," Abs told him with a smirk and a little shove to the shoulder. When Tony only glared she tried again. "Half the women here have a crush on him, you don't see him getting upset about it."

"That's different," Tony huffed.

"How?"

"They have boobs."

Abs snorted, putting her hand on Tony's chest and giving the hard muscles underneath a soft squeeze. She didn't have to say anything, just gave him that half a smirk with the raised eyebrow that sent Tony into a laughing fit.

******

Tony figured at the most all he really could loose was his job, and if things didn't go well, that might even be a good thing. He imagined coming into work, after being rejected and that almost made him turn the car around and go back home. If he were fired, he figured he'd survive. He could always get another job as a cop and after work as a Special Agent; he figured maybe he could get promotion. It's not as if he'd starve even if he went a few months or even years without work. He's mother had left him quite enough when she died and even though he and his father weren't close, they weren't on bad terms either.

Even though he knew that the door wasn't locked, he still knocked for a few minutes before letting himself in. Slowly opening the door, he listened for any sign that his boss was home. When he heard none, he headed straight for the basement. There he found Gibbs, staring at his boat.

"I think this is considered breaking and entering," Gibbs said, still not moving.

"Well you could have me arrested but then I might be late for work tomorrow," Tony smirked.

"Yeah, and I hear your boss can be a real bastard," Gibbs said, the corners of his lips slightly twitching into a smile.

"Well, he tries." Tony shrugged. Gibbs turned to him finally, eyebrow raised as he tried to his conceal amusement. "All bark and no bite."

"Is that so?" Gibbs said taking a step towards Tony and smacking in the back of the head.

"Well maybe some bite," Tony said, rubbing the back of his head.

Gibbs nodded and walked over to the table "Scotch?" he offered as he poured some for himself and got a second cup. He made sure there was no sawdust in it before pouring the Scotch.

Tony accepted some and knocked it all back in one shot. Liquid courage. "So, what do you want?" Gibbs asked as he took a sip from his own cup.

"A raise, world peace and underwear to be made illegal in all states," Tony said with a nervous chuckle.

"The first two aren't going to happen but you can always try doing something about the third." Gibbs picked up the sander and went to work on his boat.

Tony took the fact that he wasn't kicked out and his boss' light sense of humor as a good sign, while still finding it a bit unnerving. He realized Gibbs was waiting for him talk as the older man slowly worked on the boat. Tony froze for a moment. He hadn't planned on what he was going to say; he knew if he tried he'd chicken out.

He poured himself another drink, gulping it down he moved closer to Gibbs. "So, engaged again?"

"Yep," Gibbs said, not sounding too thrilled. Good sign.... right?

"Hm, I thought after someone struck out three times, he's out."

Gibbs rolled his eyes, and stood straight. "What did you come here for?"

"I.... I..." Tony shook his head and turned away. He just couldn't do it.

"DiNozzo?" Gibbs said, then moved closer. "Tony?"

Mustering up all the courage he ever had, Tony pushed Gibbs against the boat and kissed him. It took a second but Gibbs began to respond.Tony's hand moved down Gibbs' body and he felt him moan into the kiss. He could feel Gibbs get hard under him as the older man started to take control of the kiss.

Good sign.... right?

All of a sudden Tony found himself on his ass, his chest lightly hurting from where Gibbs had shoved him harshly. Tony looked up to see Gibbs standing over him, almost growling.

"What the fuck was that?"

His first reaction was going to be sarcastic, but when he felt pure anger coming of his boss he just moved backwards on the floor.

"I asked you something. What the hell do you think that was?"

"A kiss?" Tony blurted out, feeling paralyzed under those blue eyes.

"What the fuck were you thinking? I'm your boss!" Then Gibbs grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him up to his face "And I'm not a fag!"

Tony, who had consider this be one of the possible responses, never actually thought it would happen. Gibbs was opened minded. Or it seemed, til the moment his boss's hold on his shirt started tightening until his air was being cut off.

"You think just because you're a little faggot, you can turn others?"

That did it. It brought Tony flashbacks of times he couldn't fight his bullies. He shoved the heel of his palm into the middle of Gibbs chest hard, while he slid his right ankle behind the other man's leg. Gibbs, taken by surprise fell back and since he had a hand still tightly on Tony's shirt they both ended up on the floor. Tony jumped to his feet.

"I might have been the one that kissed you, but you kissed me back! So call me a faggot all you want; you're not as straight as thought you were!" Tony was so angry he felt his body start to shake.

"Get out." Gibbs' voice was icy.

"Don't worry, won't see me again. You can have my resignation."

"No!" Gibbs jumped to his feet. "This is personal. I need you as an agent. I won't let this bother our work."

"You're not the person I thought I worked with," Tony said, crossing his arms and glaring.

"I don't care what you thought of me, or think of me." Gibbs took a step closer. "Our work has nothing to do with that. Now get out!"

With out another word Tony left, driving straight to Abby's house where she filled him with chocolate ice cream til he was ready to puke and told him all the dirt she ever dug up on their boss.

Tony didn't want to come to work the next day but he'd be damned if he showed that kind of weakness. To everyone's surprise, Gibbs didn't show up. Tony was put in charge.

Kate and McGee thought Tony's impersonation of Gibbs' was starting to push it. They would have said something... if those glaring green eyes hadn't froze them in their tracks every time their conversation turned to anything but work.

Gibbs didn't show up for work the next day either. Tony was torn between anger and worry. He wanted to check on his boss and at the same beat him senseless. He was tempted to do both. The third day came around and still no Gibbs. Kate suggested going to visit Gibbs since it must have been pretty bad to make him miss this much work. Tony reminded her that she wouldn't want to be around their boss if it really was that bad.

With his mind still conflicted he headed home after the slow day at the office. After a beer or two he fell asleep to the sound of rain outside. He was awakened by the pounding on his door. He cursed in Italian loudly as he made his way towards the door; who ever was on the other side heard him and stopped.

He opened it to find Gibbs on the other side. He had to step back and look at him. The man stood there in the same clothes he was wearing when Tony last saw him. His hair, even though it wasn't long, still managed to look messy. He hadn't shaved and from the dark circles under his eyes, must have not slept much, either.

"Gibbs?" He reached out to make sure the man was all right but his hand froze and dropped back to his side.

"Tony..." Gibb's voice was just above a whisper.

"What?" It came out harsher than he has intended it to.

"I'm sorry, Tony." He shook his head. "I don't know what else to say."

"Then you can leave," Tony told him. This wasn't the guy he fell for so long ago. He felt betrayed and couldn't help feeling anything but anger.

Tony moved to shut the door but Gibbs put his hand in the way and even though a part of Tony now wanted to slam the door, he couldn't do it.

"You said you're sorry. What else do you want?"

Gibbs stood silently for a few heart beats that seemed to last
forever. Then he moved quickly, grabbing the back of Tony's head as he pulled him into a kiss. For a second Tony could have sworn he saw fireworks. He wanted to melt into the kiss and never let go. Wasn't this the dream everyone had, everyone that got rejected by the love of his life? To have them show up looking like a mess, begging to be taken back? And he really did want to take Gibbs back, til he remembered what he had done. He shoved Gibbs hard, making the older man stumble backwards.

"You think it's that easy? You think you can be as big a bastard as you want and I'll just put up with it? I used to think I could trust you. I thought you were open minded and decent. You know something Gibbs, you really are a bastard!" With that Tony slammed the door.

Gibbs had been called that since grade school but this was the first time that it hurt. He pounded on the door til his hand hurt, then settled down on the floor outside the apartment. He knew he had messed up pretty big. He knew Tony had no reason to forgive him. But he also knew there was no going back for him now. He wasn't sure what to do, but somehow he knew Tony would make it better. Tony was good at that.

He sat out side the apartment door just a bit over an hour. His
clothes, wet from the rain, dried but he still felt cold. He ignored most of the people who walked by but looked up when one stopped to knock on Tony's door. It was some food deliveryman and when Tony opened the door, Gibbs jumped up. He was too late though; the second the money was handed over, the door shut again. Gibbs felt annoyed but he understood.

He sat back down again but this time didn't have to wait long. Ten minutes later the door was opened.

"Still here?" Tony asked.

Gibbs nodded silently, answering the question Tony really meant. He was here and he was staying.

"Come on," Tony opened the door wider. "I got your favorite."

At the mention of food, his stomach growled. He hadn't thought about food the past few days. He'd only been snacking on things that didn't have to be prepared.

Tony handed over a T-shirt and some sweat pants "Thought you'd want to get cleaned up."

A quick shower later they set quietly at the table.

"I'm sorry," Gibbs says and it's the first time he's spoken since he entered the apartment.

Tony nods and just asks, "Why?"

Taking a deep breath, he slowly swallows his food. "Where I grew up there wasn't such a word as `gay.' It was only `fag.' The preacher would go on and on about it and the way `they' were abominations to God. It meant being a pervert and child molester." Taking some more food, he gave himself time before continuing. "In the Marines it meant you were a sissy. It meant you couldn't do your job right and that you couldn't protect yourself, much less your country."

"And now?"

"And now," Gibbs shrugged "I know better. I know that's not true, but.... It doesn't make it easier. I just never let myself think about it. I knew I liked women so I thought that was that."

"And now?" Tony asked again, this time with a slight smirk.

"And now I can't think straight. I know what I want one second and then the next..." Gibbs drifted of with a sigh.

"So you came here to experiment?" Tony's voice rose.

"I came here because I couldn't get you out of my mind. You're all I've thought about for three days."

"Is that so?" Tony asked, settling back.

"Yeah. First day I wanted to beat the crap out of you. Later I just wanted to kiss you again. For a few hours after that I thought about running away to Vegas and just getting hitched. I fell asleep that night and had a dream. Dreamt I came home and you were there, and I asked you `What's for dinner?' Know what you said in my dream?"

"Hm, Fuck off?" Tony guessed as he licked his lips, grinning.

"Yes," Gibbs nodded "That was it. It felt so real, Tony. When I woke up, I felt like there something missing. Spent the next two days just thinking about how this could happen." Gibbs shook his head. "I don't understand it. Jeez, what did you do to me?"

"Woke up a part of you. Is that why you pushed me?" Tony said as he started to clean up.

"Well what did you expect? I'd never been kissed by a guy before! You could have started out slow."

"What? Show you porn and tell you it's all right to touch yourself, that everyone does it?"

Gibbs chuckled as he pushed away from the table. He was right; Tony could make him feel better. "So what now?"

"Now we find out what you really want."

Gibbs opened his mouth to ask what he meant but Tony was already before him, kissing him gently. Tony kept the kisses slow til Gibbs couldn't take it anymore, deepening the kiss as they stumbled to Tony's room. Gibbs shut out all thoughts and focused only on Tony. How good he felt, how good he looked, how good he tasted.

******

When Gibbs awoke, he froze slightly. It wasn't because he felt someone next to him, but because that someone was holding him. He had never in his life had anyone hold him. He was the unquestionable alpha in every relationship and therefore he was the one that held his lovers.

"Relax," the soft voice whispered into his ear.

"Tony." Gibbs let out his breath as he opened his eyes finally.

"Expecting someone else, or just hoping?"

Gibbs didn't bother answering. He turned so he would be facing Tony and leaned his head against the other man's shoulder.

"So what now?" Tony asked.

"I really don't know," Gibbs admitted, his voice low. He didn't have all the answers. He just wished he did.

"Well it's not like there are that many choices." Tony let go of him and turned on his back "You either get married or you stay with me."

"It's not that easy!" Gibbs set up and glared down at the younger man "This just isn't how I was raised!"

"And what? You think my parents drove me out to the Pride Parade every year? No one chooses this."

"I can't just leave her!"

"Do you love her?" Tony's voice became gentle.

"No." Gibbs shook his head, looking away.

"Then why?" Tony asked, moving closer.

"She's pregnant, Tony. I got her pregnant." Gibbs voice was hardly a whisper.

"Are you sure it's yours?"

Gibbs just nodded, burring his face in his hands and sighing.

"Does she love you?"

The question startled Gibbs. He looked up, mouth opened to answer before freezing. He didn't know.

"Don't do it Gibbs," Tony whispered and lay back down.

"How can you say that? How can I not be there for my kid?" Gibbs sounded angry.

"I never said that." Tony looked away "You'll be there for your child, you'll love them and care for them and they'll know you love them but don't stay married for the kid. It'll just mess them up." Tony looked up at him, sad eyes with just a touch of tears "My parents stayed together for me. They loved me but not each other. They never fought but I could feel. There wasn't an age when I realized it. It was something I had always known. I didn't want to lose either one of them but I wanted them to be happy. I think I was five the first time I
wished I was never born."

Gibbs nodded. He knew enough families to know that was true. That his wouldn't be any different.

"I wish it was easy," Gibbs whispered.

Tony nodded and held his hand out. Without thinking about it, Gibbs took his hand and let himself be pulled on top of the other man.

"If you want it to be easy, leave now. I promise it's the easier of the two. Leave, get married and never think about this again." Tony ran his hand through Gibb's hair "Forget this happened and I can promise things will be easy."

"What can you promise if I stay?" Gibbs looked up.

"I promise that the next time you hear the word fag you'll feel like beating the crap out of that person. I can promise thing's won't get easier." Tony sighed "And I can promise I'll be here, but I can't promise that'll be enough."

Gibbs laid his head back against Tony. For a second he wondered if he was squishing the younger man but he was comfortable and Tony seemed to be breathing fine. He listened to the heartbeat under him. It seemed to soothe him. He didn't know what to do. A wife and child? Or Tony? Normal life or... different? How could he go from being completely straight to giving up a family for a man? He didn't know what to do. He wanted help.

"Will you help me?" Gibbs asked. He expected another soft answer, what he got was smacked in the head "Ow!" He looked up and glared "What the hell was that for?"

"For asking a stupid question!" Tony glared back at him.

"You aren't like this at work. You're not this...." Gibbs searched for the word.

"Mean?" Tony suggested.

"Rude." Gibbs gave a small glare.

"That's because at work I get paid for putting up with you!"

Gibbs laid he head back down so Tony wouldn't see him smile. He liked this. None of his lovers had ever snapped back at him like that and he liked it.

"After everything, you really think I wouldn't do everything to help you?" Tony's voice was gently again "Even if it meant losing you, I'd help."

"Why?" Gibbs asked looking up again.

"I wish I knew," Tony said with a sigh "How can help?"

"Give me time." Gibbs sat up. "I'm not asking you to wait forever and I'm telling I'll be back but I can't decide now. I just need some time."

"I waited two years; I'm willing to wait some more." Tony sat up as well. "And no matter what you choose, I'll understand."

Without another word, Gibbs got dressed; he turned to leave and froze. He turned back, leaned forward, hesitated for second and then leaned in and kissed Tony. Just a small peck on the lips, before turning around and rushing out.