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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
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1,108
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1/1
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Just Not Tennis

Summary:

Deathwalker challenges the Army of Light to a Tennis Tournament. At stake is Life, the Universe and Epsilon 3 Eridani.

Work Text:

Just Not Tennis
A "Babylon 5" short story
Written by Alison M. DOBELL
* * * * *

Ambassador Kosh NARANEK has been made Umpire at the Jumpgate Interpacial Tennis Tournament being played out on the Rim of Known Space. Playing for Earth is the legendary John MACINROE and playing for "Life, the Universe, and Everything" is JHADUR otherwise known as the infamous Deathwalker. It is MACINROE to serve but each time he does so, KOSH calls a foul.

MACINROE: "I tell you that was IN!"

KOSH: "Irrelevant."

MACINROE: "What? You cannot be serious!"

The serve is given to Deathwalker who, true to form, cheats and unleashes an ancient plague across the net at MACINROE. But MACINROE, being a loud and pretty thick character even on a good day, does not even notice and is not affected. In frustration, Deathwalker hurtles the ball through the Net tearing a great big hole in it. A gasp goes up among the League of Non-Aligned Worlds, who could only afford the cheap seats and had to go without strawberries and cream. KOSH says nothing and MACINROE throws his racket in temper.

MACINROE: "Didn't you see that? What's wrong with you, are you blind?"

KOSH: "You did not hit the ball."

MACINROE: "It went THROUGH the net. It is supposed to go OVER the net you useless over-rated jukebox!"

KOSH: "Yes."

KOSH turns and starts to leave the court. Almost beside himself with frustration and rage, MACINROE yells after him.

MACINROE: "Where the Hell do you think you're going?"

KOSH pauses and half turns.

KOSH: "You are not yet ready for tennis."

MACINROE: "But I'm the best that ever was! You cannot do this to me!"

KOSH ignores him and starts to turn away again.

MACINROE: (In exasperation) "How can you prefer a genocidal maniac who wants to annihilate the rest of the Universe when you could have me?"

KOSH: "Yes."

Angrily MACINROE runs across the court and blocks KOSH's path, preventing
him from leaving.

MACINROE: "I demand the game be allowed to go ahead. You cannot do this in the middle of a game. Don't you know what's at stake here?"

KOSH: "Impudent. Disrespectful."

In the good seats, SHERIDAN suddenly shivers. IVANOVA glances across at him.

IVANOVA: "You cold?"

SHERIDAN shakes his head.

SHERIDAN: "Someone just walked over my grave."

DELENN, who is sitting next to him, looks puzzled and glances around.

DELENN: "I did not see anyone, Captain."

SHERIDAN: "It's an expression, Delenn."

GARIBALDI butts in by shoving a tub of popcorn under their noses. He is wearing his t-shirt with Wile E Coyote on teh front about to detonate the plunger on a case of TNT. The caption reads, "I am Immortal. Aren't you?"

DELENN gives GARIBALDI a serious but respectful nod as she declines.

DELENN: "No thankyou, Mr GARIBALDI."

GARIBALDI: "What about you Captain?"

SHERIDAN: (sighing) "I don't think now would be a very good time."

GARIBALDI shrugs and tries IVANOVA.

GARIBALDI: "How about you?"

IVANOVA gives him a look that could shatter granite.

IVANOVA: "How about I tell you EXACTLY what you can do with your popcorn? Some of us are trying to watch the TENNIS!"

GARIBALDI raises a hand and backs off.

GARIBADLI: "Okay, fine, no problem."

Just then a voice calls out a few rows behind them.

MOLLARI: "Mr GARIBALDI!"

GARIBALDI turns to look back at Ambassador MOLLARI who is sitting in a row surrounded by Centauri women dancers who are fauning on him, while a disgusted G'KAR looks on from the row directly behind him. MOLLARI points to GARIBALDI's t-shirt.

MOLLARI: "When are you going to give Ambassador KOSH his t-shirt back?"

GARIBALDI looks down at the motif on the front of his t-shirt and glances back down at the court just as Kosh, tired of MACINROE's display of pique, knocks him back with a bolt of energy and leaves the court.

GARIBALDI: "I don't think the Ambassador is ready yet for humour, Londo."

Just then the stands erupt as the Non-Aligned worlds realise that JHADUR is about to win the game by default. Moments later all hell breaks loose as the sky darkens overhead, the light blocked out by huge Shadows. Everyone looks up and gasps. For a moment there is complete silence then suddenly a torrential downpour of rain floods the tournament and everyone runs
for cover. GARIBALDI smiles and gives SHERIDAN an amused look as they start to leave the grounds.

GARIBALDI: "Never thought I'd see the day I'd be grateful to the Shadows for anything!"

SHERIDAN: (grimacing) "Me neither." (Pauses to look up as the rain runs down his face) "Still, at least it's in keeping with a long and distinguished past back on Earth."

DELENN looks puzzled.

DELENN: "Oh?"

SHERIDAN smiles and exchanges a look with GARIBALDI.

SHERIDAN and GARIBALDI: "Tradition!"

Puzzled, DELENN hangs back and whispers to LENNIER.

DELENN: "I think, Lennier, that I will never understand Humans."

At last the court and the stands are emptied of everyone except for one lone figure standing in the middle of the centre court, oblivious of the rain. It is MACINROE. For several moments he is alone, then turns as he hears a familiar click, click, click on the astroturf behind him.

MACINROE: "I can't believe the Vorlons preserved me for all these years and it ends like this! It just isn't fair!"

A figure dressed in black and walking with a curious cane comes into view and stops a few feet from him. The figure stands ram-rod straight, his haughty face showing no emotion, somehow managing to look untouched by it all. There is an air of bemused sadness about him.

SEBASTIAN: "You may count yourself lucky, Mr MACINROE, at least you did not come back as Jack the Ripper!"

Puzzled, MACINROE stares uncomprehendingly at SEBASTIAN, but SEBASTIAN just turns around and walks away. For a moment, MCINROE is irresolute, not knowing what to do when SEBASTIAN pauses and looks back at him. He arches an eyebrow.

SEBASTIAN: "I do not have all day, Mr MACINROE."

With a frustrated sigh, MACINROE pauses to retrieve his racket.

SEBASTIAN: "You will not be needing that!"

MACINROE looks at his racket then grips it even tighter, a look of stubborn determination on his face. SEBASTIAN turns and leads the way, hiding a secret smile as he does so. Where MACINROE is going the last thing he will need is his racket. But then, maybe in another hundred years or so they might actually get to finish a game. Providing they can find someone
else to Umpire it...


END