SquidgeWorld Archive

Author: Lala Sara
Name: Tug-of-war
Fandom: The Immortal
Pairing: Raphael/Mallos, Raphael/Mikiko (implied)
Rating: FRT
Beta: Kerensa Evans
Warnings: some kinda het but you'll understand then why
Summary: after series, Mikiko is returning... but is she?

Tug-of-war

For more than four hundreds years I've suffered with the same one thought - what is love? I can't find an answer. And it seems I'll never find it. Spite for my own incompetence can overgrow in my case; only into avenger. And it's soon to be. If I can't understand something it's not because I'm a fool. Rather otherwise. I'm too smart and because of that I see the futility and folly of this feeling. Once I prove it to him everything would take its own place. He won't torture me anymore with his faith in love which I was infected with by him four hundreds years ago. I've had time to overgrow this contagion. Now it's left only to cure Raphael Cain from it.
Oh, he was in delight while spearing me with his famous sword. Till I had a fall by the straight expressway to hell. We were standing so near to each other and I've seen passion in his eyes. The same passion he was radiating with while spearing his beloved Mikiko with his other sword, a shorter one... And I bet he doesn't mind repeating this action with me time after time... Poor blind Rafe, he can't see the most obvious things. He doesn't understand that there is no difference between love and hatred. That I achieved from him everything I wanted from him. His passion for me, passion that's burning out everything, a match for my passion for him. We have a mutual feeling, for sure. And I'm so tired of it.
***
"Mikiko!" - I couldn't believe my own eyes. But after Kiyomi's return I can wonder at nothing. Perhaps it's a reward for my long service for Light, I need to retire, reveling in well-deserved happiness. "How?"
"Mama!" Kiyomi recognized her, too. And all doubts were gone. Enough with the paranoia, everything is well that ends well.
She was the same as the day she died. She recognized Kiyomi but wondered how she had grown so adult. She was wondering abouteverything, but our presence was calming her. All memories of the four hundred years before this moment had vanished once I touched her dear warm body. She appeared at the threshold of our house - yes, at last I've bought the cottage at the ocean's edge, small but pretty cozy. The last thing she remembers was Mallos and Vashista coming to kill her.
The first few days we were happy. But after that the conflicts began. That was my own fault. Mikiko was jealous of Sara. And I confessed to her that I had thoughts about making a family with her... Actually, I didn't tell Mikiko that I and Sara had been living together for two months, since the house was bought. I pitied Sara. I sincerely loved her, but nobody could compare with my Mikiko. I wanted Sara as a friend, but I understood how it must be hard for her, she had the time to fall in love with me and it's entirely my fault... But I had no hope for Mikiko's returning and I had been living, depending on that. To tell the truth, I began to excuse myself like that not long ago though. And if she would have returned a little earlier, I would have had nothing to confess to her. I took the blame completely on myself, but Sara preferred to move from the house. She's a good friend no matter what and I'm still glad she is, but I'll miss her though.
Goodwin soon moved off, too, he met Razika at last and he formed his own family. Goodwin reminded me as a goodbye that free cheese could be found only in the mousetrap. But I killed Mallos, ruined his plans, so I hardly have to worry now. I really was very tired of hatred and suspicions. I wanted to love, I wanted to trust. And I loved her and trusted her.
But then Vashista has come.
There's no way someone could be so naïve, being immortal."â€"she said. "And the stupidity can't even be taken out of you."
"What do you want? I won't give you Kiyomi, I've told you that already."
"It's not about Kiyomi. You've let a demon into your house and consider him your wife."
I smirked.
"You think I believe you? You better stay away from us, if Mikiko gets hurt..."
"It's only because of this that I still didn't interfere in it. I don't want him to set Kiyomi against me."
"Mikiko said that it was you who killed her, that Mallos was only watching. So then... I'm afraid that I must get rid of you to live in peace..."
And she vanished, not letting me finish the phrase. Well, she may run. She helped me killed Mallos, but any gratefulness has its limits. Only then I realized that she said "he" not "she"...
***
"I love you." He whispered into her ear. "Mikiko," She started and exerted herself.
"But I was behaving like a... bitch."
"But you've been jealous, it's not the crime." - He said smiling.
"So love excuses spite?"
"When you love someone so strongly, any other feelings and emotions are very strong, too. When you died... When I lost you, I came to hate the whole world. Any demon I killed..." Rafe lost his breath. He held Mikiko tight.
"Then you must admit that all strong feelings are called by love. Even hatred."
"That could be. When I hate Mallos I do it because of love for you."
"There's an only one step between a hatred and love..." She looked into his eyes trying to catch his look but he plunged deep in thought.
"I must confess to you, Mikiko. When I at last stuck him with my sword... I felt such deep satisfaction... That was like an orgasm. It was like I was back with you, like by killing him I returned you to life. And as I can see, I was right." He smiled again and kissed her shoulder-blade. She said nothing.
***
The few weeks passed. They didn't go back to the issue, but day after day Mikiko was more and more irritable. She screamed at Kiyomi, she brought Razika to tears when she and Goodwin visited them. Sara was afraid to come near their house at all. Raphael decided to talk to his wife. He saw it was hard for her, but it wasn't Kiyomi's fault or anyone else's.
"Mikiko, it's hard for Kiyomi, too, you can vent your anger on me and I'll support you anyway because I understand you, but Kiyomi... You never raised your voice at her before. What's the matter with you?"
"You're right; it's hard for me, all this new life. You..."
"I'm always with you. I won't let anyone harm you. It's my fault what happened to you."
You can't act any other way. Tell me you could act another way then? Could you not go and help Akira?"
Rafe looked down, admitting she was right.
"You're too good to anyone, but you can't understand that you can't help everyone. You have a superman complex; you believe that the world would collapse without you. You never could become an ordinary man, family man, defender of his own family."
"But I'm trying! I retired, you know."
"Really? So where were you when that woman came to our house and killed me?"
Raphael seized his sword and silently rushed out.
"You're running away again? You're leaving to kill her, not thinking that you're risking not being able to find us if you go. Again!"
"But I must find Vashista, you've said that..."
"I've said you must defend your family not chase demons. And you know what, if you weren't a demon-slayer, they wouldn't haunt your family."
"But..."
"Be gone! If you can't think of your own family in first place, then go and mess with your beloved demons!"
That was their first family scandal. Ever.
He found Vashista and sent her to hell, but only after she fell into a fiery whirl in his infuriated mind and got the last words of she-demon: "You can't see, it's not Mikiko! It's Mallos!"
"She's right" he thought. "It's not Mikiko's fault. Everything is Mallos' fault." Hatred for Mallos that had nearly faded with his death, flared up with a new strength. Only now he didn't know how to revenge him.
And with Vashista's death problems didn't vanish. Settling at one place, Rafe had not thought that now demons would know where to find him any time and he became a target for them. He imagined that by killing Mallos he ended demons as a kind. Oh, naïve dreams. And now he has to kill demons that were penetrating into his house, threatening his family. But that wasn't all of the troubles. With this Mikiko, who was blaming him for that, if it wasn't his "work" they would be in less danger, still could agree. But Goodwin and Sara also became demon's easy meat. Sara was dangerous for them, with her researches and Goodwin couldn't stand up for himself and still was a good hostage for those ones who wanted to hurt Rafe. He was torn between his family and Goodwin and Sara. Mikiko reproached him with it and it made everything even worse.
"I would wanna live with you and Kiyomi in a peaceful place, live a whole lifetime with you, grow old and die with you one day."
"But this all is just dreams. Your dreams of becoming an ordinary man." Mikiko told him after the next demon attack and a customary scandal after that. "Once you failed it. Does it seem worth it to repeat the same mistake? You drew me into your life and I became its victim. It's probably my own fault, I agreed to this when I married you. But the child... The immortals mustn't have children. It's just wrong." Kiyomi who wasn't hurt only by some miracle, was crying on her shoulder.
"You killed Vashista." Kiyomi said suddenly with accusing tone. "That's why other demons are trying to kill us. Vashista promised to defend me."
"But Kiyomi, she was threatening your mother."
"She wouldn't kill her; she loved me and wouldn't have hurt me."
"Now I defend you."
"Once you defended me. Enough." And she went out with a bang of a door.
Raphael was completely confused. On one side he understood that it was about her teen age, but was he so right when killed Vashista? And with this, he hurt Kiyomi who had become attached to her.
"Do you agree with her?" but Mikiko didn't answer, only smirked a twisted smile. Raphael had the creeps up his spine from the alikeness that this smirk had with Mallos'.
"I agree that everything is so complex, that I make mistakes. But my love to you and Kiyomi is unfailing."
"And love excuses everything." Mikiko reviewed. "Do you agree with this?"
"Yes."
"So you must admit that love excuses others also, not only you."
***
The sudden calm ensued. As it was before the storm. There were no more invading demons, no more scandals. And no matter as Raphael wanted to, but he couldn't not admit that Mikiko is right - he could not be not thinking of demons even when there was no one. He recalled that case, when Mallos tried to drive him crazy trying to prove to him that he was crazy and all his demon-slayer's life was only the ravings of his fevered imagination. He understood that he didn't buy this trick only because he really can't be anyone else. And if Mallos then wouldn't cut that few happy years with Mikiko and Kiyomi - how long could he take it? He thought that hatred for Mallos was the reason for his passion for fighting demons. But he understood that it was his destiny, his passion, his love. If thelast demons vanished and hell froze - what would he do then? He was so dreaming of a quiet domestic life, but he wasn't ready to lose his work or immortality. Which Mikiko hasn't. Kiyomi was pretty capable of living much more than her mother, but Mikiko... What was awaiting for her now? A couple of dozens years till she gets old and dies? Or was God so merciful that he would make her immortal? And he, can he bear the immortality of family life? Or did he only want Mikiko only because she'd get old and die before he get bored of her?
Is his love so pure?
"Do you love me?" - They were lying on the bed getting cold after an exhaustingly long fit of passion.
"Always." - He answered.
"Even knowing that I've changed?"
"You've changed. But I love you."
"Even if I tell you that I've changed more than you think?"
"I'll still love you. Whatever happens, my love for you is unfailing. I have said this a hundred times and I will repeat it till you believe me.
She got over him, propped herself up and looked into his eyes.
"Words are not enough, Raphael."
And suddenly her brown eyes turned to fiery ones.
Rafe jerked with surprise but her hands held his shoulders.
"That explains much, does it?" - She said still pressing his shoulders down to the bed. "And you expected a miracle? That your wife come back the same she was. I was killed four hundred years ago. My soul has got into hell. The only way to return me back to earth was to turn me into a demon."
"But..."
"Yes, I've got into hell. And don't ask me why. I wasn't informed. Why God let me be killed, why he let my daughter spend four hundred years in the darkest corner of hell? Does he exist, this God?"
"He gave me the power to slay demons."
"And kill them?"
"Yes."
"Return them back to hell, to be exact. Only return them back to hell. Where from they can come back to earth. You can oppose nothing to this empire. You're only an amusement for them. They talk about you as they would about an interesting toy." - She blinked her eyes back to normal and became silent.
"Now - do you still love me?" - She said after pause.
He swallowed but nodded.
"Yes. I love you."
"So the fact that I'm a demon doesn't change your feelings for me?"
"No."
"So you love me only for my face and body? Because my soul now is different."
"No."
"So if I'd come back here with some other face or body you would have loved me nevertheless?"
"Yes. It would be you all the same..."
"What is it - me? I don't know that myself already. What exactly defines me? What, in your opinion, am I?"
"You are you. You are the one I love."
"So then the only definition for me is your love? But then what do you love me for, Raphael Cain? And what do I love you for? What, in your opinion, must I love in you?"
Rafe lost his breath.
"I don't know. You love not for something. Just love."
"How do I differ for you, from Mallos for example?"
"In that I love you and hate him."
"But your hatred for him is stronger than your love for me, isn't it?"
"No, it isn't."
"Are you sure?"
"If there was no love for you then there was no hatred for him, you were always a priority."
"Did you ever think about why he killed me? He was jealous."
"He was envious."
"For me. He wanted you to direct your passion to him. And he succeeded."
"You don't understand what you're talking about."
"Kill me. Kill me as you've killed him. I wanna feel it. Your passion."
Rafe shook his head no. All his instincts were agreeing that he needed to kill the demon. But this was Mikiko for God's sake! He hadn't stopped loving her for four hundred years and he wasn't going to give up so easily now.
"Kill me if you love me. Send me back to hell, which was more comfortable for me."
"It's not the place for you. You mustn't go back there. This all is Mallos' intrigues. We'll figure out something."
"What, you'll figure out? You're only a demons' toy who imagines himself a superhero. Kill me. Or give me your famous sword and I'll leave by myself."
"No," - he still was shaking his head. "You don't understand what you're talking about. It all can be fixed. Sara has some ideas about how we can humanize a demon, you mustn't give up."
"It's you who never give up. But I have no power for this. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like this. I want peacefulness. I want to feel nothing. I want to stop existing. You don't know what it feels like - to be a demon. What it feels like to hate what you love."
"I know what hatred is."
"You're right. There is so little difference between demon and immortal. The only thing that separates us is a sign. Plus and minus. Love and Hatred. Love can make an angel out of demon and hatred can make a demon out of an angel. If you loved me, really loved me, if you would make me feel your love... That is the only method and no Sara can invent other one."
"My doubts... You're right. It's all because I have doubts. I don't have enough faith."
"No. You don't have enough love. Resign yourself to it already. Kill me."
"No."
***
He was meditating. He was pondering. He understood that nothing would be fixed. That he really doesn't love Mikiko as strong as he did. That he understands too much; doubts too much; ponders too much. He can't turn Mikiko back to human and he felt ashamed for this. He loved her for four hundred years, he persuaded himself that he loves her still but he can't love her enough to make her feel his love. She hates him, because he didn't save her, because he was thinking about another woman, because he loves his work too much. She can't forgive him, as he can't forgive it himself.
His love is not universal and it can't save her. His hatred for Mallos; that is the purest feeling which filled him in whole. And this feeling had no way out. He wanted to go to hell to find and kill him once more. This time for good. And then just die.
"You're tired, too, Raphael." - She said. "Why won't you finish it? It's in your power."
"To kill you and just die? Will I go to hell? I want to go to hell. I wanna find Mallos..."
"Why? What do you wanna do with him?"
"I'll kill him one more time."
"You can't kill him, even in there. Your sword, even if you could take it with you, has no power in hell. And in general, you must become a demon to get into hell."
"I am becoming one. I'm full of hatred. Isn't it only a method?"
"It's not enough, the immortal. You must hate everyone, not only Mallos. Betray your friends. Kill the innocent."
"Why do you know so much about it? When you became a demon you learned so much... Where have you been all this time, Mikiko? You've been taught to be a demon?"
"At last you've started suspecting, Raphael... I thought I would have to confess it myself. You even have no idea how I'm sick of it all. Watching your vain attempts to love. How your "love" for that woman can compare with hatred for me? We came to an agreement about it about a couple hundreds years ago, that your feelings for me were much stronger than for some mortal woman. Didn't we?"
"Mallos!!!" Raphael reacted with lightning speed - he pulled out the sword and pierced it into Mikiko's body.
The fiery portal opened behind her back. He couldn't resist and reached his left hand to her face. His fingers tenderly embraced the familiar cheek-bone.
"Farewell." - He bid to Mikiko for ever.
"If only." - Mallos smirked with her lips. And fiery whirl took him away.
***
"Poor Kiyomi..." - When Sara found out about what happened she wanted to move back to house; deciding I needed her support and not without a thought of replacing Mikiko. But I let her know, in a pretty rough way, that I don't need the first or the second either. Sara and Goodwin believed that under Mikiko's disguise Mallos had been hidden, they had suspected this from the start. But Kiyomi... She ran away from home, Goodwin found her with hardly any trouble, but she refused to come back to me, so she's still living with Goodwin and Razika.
"She thinks I killed her mother; that I turned made and I'm not sure I'm not."
"But there is no body left so it means that she... he went back to hell."
"The body could have been thrown into the sea, you know..."
"But you didn't throw the body into the sea, did you?"
"No, but... Mikiko confessed that she was a demon and she asked me to kill her. I'm not sure that that wasn't her trick, claiming she was Mallos, to make me kill her."
"That was Mallos. And stop torturing yourself. Mikiko couldn't become a demon."
"After death she has was sent to hell."
"Rafe! How could it be that you believed such nonsense? Mikiko couldn't go to hell. She was the purest creature I can imagine, judging by your tales."
"That's right. You even didn't know her. I didn't even know her. I didn't find time to get to know her. I loved not her, but my love for her."
"Have you lost your faith in love?" - Sara leaned closer to me, trying to call out of me that "love".
"No, I've only lost my own stupidity. And don't do this." - I pushed her off. She even didn't understand what I was saving her from.
I had to make conversation with Goodwin, too. I was so envious of him - he has love-destiny, eternal and an indubitable mate. Two hundred years ago I didn't believe him, and now I understand what he was feeling. I had to leave him with her then. I had no right to take him. I was such an egoist. I couldn't admit other's feelings, other's right to have them. Of course, I'm the only one who has the great love and the great sorrow, like hell. But demons are immortal, too. And any immortal has his own, not less, immortal destiny. And sooner or later it finds you, let's you know about itself; one way or another. And there's no need for you to enjoy it. I'm so envious of Goodwin. But the feeling isn't envy. I wouldn't kill Razika only because of envy, even if I turn mad at all. Nobody kills because of envy, not wanting to gain what the one, whom he kills, had. Not if he doesn't want to replace him. What's the difference from jealousy then?
"Kiyomi already calmed down. I think I managed to convince her, but she still can't forgive you Vashista's murder. Did you know that she not only freed her, but brought her up? That's why Kiyomi is so grown up. She forgot it at first, but now she is recalling it."
"She mustn't worry, Vashista will be back. Demons come back, don't they..."
"You still believe that was Mallos?"
"I don't know what I believe in. Maybe nothing, any more."
***
"Beautiful night." - I greet him. It's polite - to greet the host when you're coming into the house. "As I see, you're living all alone now. Where are Kiyomi, Goodwin and Sara?"
"I've sent the servants away, too." - He jokes pulling his sword out.
"You wanted to stay alone with me? Oh Raphael, that means so much to me."
"Of course, or else I wouldn't try so hard. How's this for you, these romantic surroundings?" - He gestures around the dark room filled with flaming candles. I know that they just cut electricity for non-payment, but nevertheless I play up to him -a beautiful black rose appears in my hand.
"It's for me?" -He sighs lusciously.
"If we've finished the prelude, may we get to business?" I'm impatient but it's excusable - I was stuck for almost a month in hell, trying to making excuses to the Source. At last, after a lot of tall stories about "neutralization" of a dangerous immortal-demon-slayer, I managed to win over the right of unlimited access to Raphael Cain's body.
"However you wish." - He sighs. Could it be he already is in the mood for longer date? But no, I shouldn't surrender to him so soon. I need to have at least a drop of pride. Let him suffer a little. Or let him try to prolong the fight. My blade is out and I make first lunge. During these last two hundred years, I have learned fencing and at the same time fighting acrobatics to perfection. Yes, I wanna deserve my rival. No more disgraceful escapes, there was so much shame from that. I really staggered Rafe right in his heart, did I?.. With my own clumsiness and cowardice...
The dance of our swords, flowery tracery of leaps and lunges... What can be more beautiful? We both are excited flitting about the house in twilight. The half of candles are already knocked down and put out, specks of light bounding at his face are stealing my breath. He loses his orientation for a moment, perhaps he sees in the darkness something worse than me. I have on my demonic eyesight and he fixed his look at my fiery yellow eyes. He makes another mistake and a red stain spreads across his sleeve. That completely drives me to distraction and I miss the strike, sheathing his sword in me to the hilt. That always lasts for a few seconds only, but during this moment I find a time to sense his whole tense body with my own. His features lit with the fiery portal behind my back, shows suffering passion which he shares with me right away, literally devouring my lips with his mouth. Again I have not the time to answer him, absorbed in pain, but my hands twine round him and hold onto the edge of the whirl once, bonus second, convulsively seizing on my faith in love.
I'm being torn away, caught up and brought down. And waking up in hell I sigh - not in this time... But I really know that some day we'll stay together. Either he'll be brought down with me or I'll stay with him on earth. And only after that there it would make sense to have longer dates that would be finished with something more interesting than one kiss. And now - now we just play tug-of-war.