SquidgeWorld Archive

God I am in deep.

It's almost like I can not control my actions.

Thank god Olivia was with me through out this case, otherwise I think she might have been the one bailing me out of jail.

Things have been going downhill since the separation began.

I can see that.

I have lost my family.

It has to be the worst time in my life.

I thought they were my foundation. They were my life.

And it's like my life is being ripped away from me.

What kind of man does this make me?

In my opinion, not much of one.

I have been taking it out on everyone, it's like I can't stop it, I just keep doing it, I have no control.

And that scares the hell out of me.

Olivia has been watching over me since she found out about my separation. Which is a good thing because I haven't been watching out for myself.

I have been taking unwarranted risks lately. It's like I am saying that 'no one cares, so what the hell', well that's not true, my kids still care, they manage to call me every so often. Kathy isn't thrilled about that, she doesn't want me to see or talk to them.

I know Olivia cares too.

How you ask, she has made sure I don't sleep in the crib to often, she has asked me to dinner a few times. At first I declined her, then decided that maybe it would help.

It did.

Then this case came along, Kathy had been keeping the kids from me more recently. I confronted her about it, and it ended in nothing but a shouting match, and me in a cold, empty house, alone.

Again.

My birthday is coming up soon as well, nothing to make a person feel even older then a divorce.

God what is going to happen to me?

The little girl in this case, she was as old as the twins are. I have to ask myself how anyone could do that so such an innocent child?

And I always take it personally.

Every single d**n time.

Olivia has called me on that a few times. It really is hard not to though, there are times when all I think about are 'What if they were my kids?'

When we found out there were more children involved, I swear I was going to go through the roof. Cragen called me off to the side, told me to calm down otherwise he was going to take me off the case.

Great.

I had to go, Casey came in with the search warrant, I snatched it out of her hands and grabbed Olivia and we were gone.

I was so convinced that we had the right perp. There was no doubt in my mind.

And boy was I wrong.

There is one thing to be gung ho about something, and another...

When we got to the house, his wife was pleading with me, her husband was innocent, and he didn't do it.

Do you know how many times I have heard that?

Right then, at that point in time, I lost it.

I got right into her personal space and told her that her husband did it.

Olivia stepped in. It only took one look at her face to know that I had gone to far, right over the edge.

I stormed up the stairs, by the time I reached the top, I was already hyper ventilating.

I never heard her foot steps behind me.

Once I made it off the porch and down the steps, which I don't know how I did, she was at my side. Silently giving me strength, letting me know she was there, but not pushing the issue.

Everything that was boiling up inside, came out then.

And trust me I know that family and work need to stay separated, but I just can't do that right now.

Twenty years, I am still stumped by that.

How can you just up and leave someone after twenty years?

I know that since I started at SVU life at home has been very tense. It is not like a regular precinct. We are on call 24/7. Kathy and I were okay, but then things started to slip.

I know I was at fault some of it. I tried and tried with her, counseling the whole nine yards.

And to find out that she was seeing someone else the entire time. There was never going to be any reconciliation between us.

We went through all of that pain, but the kids through all of that for nothing.

I am a Detective, and I don't know how I missed that little fact.

Maybe I didn't want to see it.

Who knows.

Olivia urges me to call Kathy and see the kids.

Ha call Kathy, yeah like that is going to put me at ease.

But she knows it's the kids that do, not her anymore.

Olivia has been my strength these days, my best friend, my everything.

I am so close to just slipping in the world of madness and stress, I need someone to pull me out.

Right now, I am not sure what I would do without her.

As I stand there at the house, taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself, all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and hold her.

Its true, but as much as I wanted it to happen, I knew that 'that' was not the place.

That place was work.

I wanted to go home.

But where was home?

When we headed back to the station house, we finished up the paperwork, and everyone started to head out for the night.

I did not want to go home.
Olivia asked me to grab a bite to eat and to stay at her place.

She was worried about me.

I am worried about me.

I slept in the crib that night.

She came in and woke me the next morning, not that I wanted her to that is. I didn't even really look at her.

I knew she was trying to drag out what ever she wanted to say, thinking that maybe I would say something more to her.

I had driven myself into a state last night that really I didn't want to see anyone.

It was nice to know though that she called me.

I can not wait for this case to be done.

We are off to re-interview, and I am hoping that we will catch a break.

And a few hours later, we talk to the vic again, when it dawns on me. We have the wrong perp.

Olivia takes the girl and I go to 'talk' with the perp. Who mind you turns out to me a high school senior.

I am stunned to say the least.

But by then we knew he had done it, we found our perp.

I took great pride in going there; he was such a smart ass punk kid.

And it's my birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

I actually feel good tonight.

I walk out and see Olivia standing there, waiting for Fin and I to come out.

A smile crosses my face, god I love to see her smile.

"I am going home." I tell her. I feel safe enough to go home alone, not that I want to.

"Elliot, stop by your desk first."

Okay what did she do?

I am curious now.

As I round the corner I see my kids.

Olivia did this for me?

"Hey guys."

As I hug Maureen she tells me Olivia called them.

I don't know what to say.

I just feel so much love for her right now. Not that I didn't before, but it has just jumped up about 100%.

I can't believe she would make sure I had my kids here for me on my birthday.

After we have cake, it's just the 6 of us in the squad room, the kids pick up the plates and we clean up.

Maureen says that she has to get the car back to Kathy, but promised that she would bring the kids over on the weekend.

After they left Liv and I were sitting at the desk.

"Thank you for that, you don't know how much that means to me."

I don't think she will ever know really.

"You are welcome El."

I just sit there and watch her for those few moments that we have together with nothing else going on.

"Come on, let's get out of here."

"Yeah." She tells me, and we walk out together.

I am defiantly feeling a lot better.