SquidgeWorld Archive

/= character thoughts

/So/ thought Keller /What now?/

It was dark in the pod, lights-out having been called almost an hour ago. It was quiet, he was alone. There were no sounds of his cell mate in the bunk above, no sounds of breathing or moving in his sleep, no sounds of the nightmares that had often plagued the other man.

It was over, done, finished. Operation Toby was complete. Vern was happy, Chris' debt had been paid and Toby....

Toby was lying in the infirmary, his broken limbs wrapped in plaster, probably cursing Chris' name.

The image of Toby in the gym, lying broken on the floor , screaming in pain, rose up in Chris' mind. He couldn't shake the feeling of regret and ...guilt? Chris tried to recall the last time he had felt guilt over anything or anyone, and failed.

To Chris the things he had done in his past, however bad they seemed, were simply a matter of survival or getting the things he wanted. He had learned early, first from his father and then from Vern that you did what you had to, you had to look after yourself, because no-one else would.

So why did he feel guilty about betraying Toby?

He had owed Vern and prison was no place to have debt, especially to someone who had the Aryan Brotherhood behind them. He couldn't afford to have them as enemies, so he had played his part in Vern's scheme.

He had to admit when Schillinger had first told Chris he had liked the idea of bringing down a yuppy rich boy, the kind of person who had sneered at Chris all his life. It was also a challenge to see if he could overcome the distrust put in place by Vern's treatment.

The problem was it hadn't taken long for Chris to genuinely LIKE Toby.

Images flashed through Chris' head:
Toby telling him about his nightmares.
Toby teaching him to play chess, patient and understanding when
Chris got frustrated at not remembering the rules.
Comforting Toby when he heard about his wife's suicide.
Toby's depression as he talked of possibly losing his kids.
The numerous conversations, jokes and laughter they had shared.

Chris had been amazed at just how quickly Beecher began to trust him, after everything Vern had put him through, and Chris new only too well what a twisted fuck Schillinger was.

/What do mean was/ thought Chris /he still is/

The point was it had taken some balls for Toby to put his trust in someone again so soon, and Chris couldn't help but admire this man who had stood up to Vern. Something he had never done.

Chris could remember clearly the moment he realised he didn't want to go through with Operation Toby. The Laundry Room, after learning Bonnie had gotten remarried. He hadn't been sure as first why that had hurt as much as it did, he wasn't in love with his ex-wife and never really had been. He soon realised though that it was another chapter of his life coming to a close, and what did he have to show for it. Four failed marriages and an 88 year prison sentence. Which is why he proceeded to get more moonshine and drink himself into oblivion.

Then he had felt someone watching him, and had looked up into those soft blue eyes looking at him from a freshly shaven face, under that mop of dirty blond hair.

The first thought to pop into Chris' head was /God, he's beautiful/, which he had ruthlessly squashed down, forcing himself to remember the plan, to not get emotionally involved with his prey.

And when Toby had told him "I Love You" and as he had repeated the words back he had told himself it was all part of the game.

Then came that breathe-taking, soul-shattering kiss and Chris had felt the heat from Toby's hands burn into the skin of his shoulders and neck. Memories of the wrestling matches and the feel of Toby's hard body against his own, the brief moment of unguarded desire he had seen in Toby's eyes as he straddled him, and the sight of water sliding over Toby's compact naked body in the showers, all had overwhelmed Chris and all rational thought had fled.

Then the Hack had banged on the plexi-glass of the laundry room and broken the moment.

Looking back Chris knew it hadn't been the hack he'd been angry at as he threw the jar of alcohol, but rather himself, Vern and the brotherhood, as reality had come crashing down, forcing Chris to recall Operation Toby.

Whilst in the hole Chris had tried to rein in the emotions whirling through him by reminding himself why he was doing this in the first place, his debt to Schillinger and what he and the brotherhood would do to him if he failed to keep his part of the bargain.

When he had returned to the pod and found Toby drunk he had managed to hold on to his control and push him away , though part of him had ached to see him in that state.

Then came the final meeting in the gym, Metzger escorting Beecher into the room, the look of realisation and betrayal as he had seen Vern with Chris. Chris ran though the dialogue he knew Vern wanted to hear knowing it would hurt Toby .Chris had tried desperately not to think of who he was doing this to as he had broken Toby's arms and then held him so Schillinger could break his legs.

Hearing the bones snap, and Toby's screams snapped something inside of Chris and a piercing jolt of pain had flashed through his heart, and he had afterwards he had rushed back to his pod with Vern's laughter and Metzger's smirking face branded into his brain along with the sight of Toby's broken body

Now a few hours later he lay on his bunk and finally realized he was in love with Toby.

/Now what Chris-To-pher/ he sneered at himself, unconsciously using Vern's enunciated version of his name /you've betrayed him and he hates your guts, he'll probably try to kill you when he finally gets out of the infirmary/

/Can you blame him?/ came the unbidden thought.

/If he doesn't tell McManus it was you who hurt him/ but for some reason Chris didn't think he would.

/So/ he thought again /what now?/

But he already knew, tomorrow he would beg word from the hacks, and the prisoners working and visiting the infirmary for news about Toby. Then he would wait for Toby to get out. Then when he came back to the pod, and he would have to eventually since they were still technically roommates, he would do whatever it took for however long for, to try and get Toby to trust him again. To LOVE him again.

For the first time in Chris's life he had found something worth fighting for,

/Besides your in here for at least 50 years/ he wondered to himself /it's not like you have anything better to do/