SquidgeWorld Archive

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care,
I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
~From Homage to Clio by W. H. Auden

Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me harder into the mattress and never stop.

That's what I wanted to say to him. I wanted to go feral on him, seize him in my arms, hold and kiss him breathless, then senseless and then kiss him some more. I wanted to be rough and insatiable as well as tender and gentle, going back and forth without any discernable pattern while caressing every part of that gorgeous body of his until he begged me to fuck him. Then taking turns, we'd go at it like wild cats until we both passed out.

But that was another matter. Dreaming about it and actually saying it were two completely different things. And I was under no illusion - he wouldn't return my affections were I to dare express them aloud.

Oh, I was a 'fine officer', an 'outstanding crewmember', someone he 'trusted with his life'. But a lover? Not a chance. If I had gained that promotion I knew I deserved, then maybe. But Starfleet had turned it down. I have no idea why. I felt gutted, truth be told, but I was careful to keep that bit off my face.

It's odd, but it appears all the senior staff members are avoiding me. I feel rather uncomfortable. Apart from the usual good mornings when I arrived on duty, the bridge was almost completely silent today. Hoshi and Travis were exchanging glances - glances I suddenly couldn't read. T'pol, well she ignores me anyway. She was conducting surveys. And the captain? He was 'indisposed' for the entire day in his ready room.

He was avoiding me too. When I wandered down to the mess hall for my lunch break, he was there. The moment he spotted me, however, he bolted. Not a greeting, nor a quick wave. He simply disappeared, gone in a silent blur.

Paranoid? Moi?

You bet your arse. And now I'm worried. Concerned. Anxious. There isn't one person aboard Enterprise speaking to me. I've thought long and hard, but I don't believe I've done anything terribly awful - nothing to Enterprise certainly.

I'm in the shower - enjoying the hot liquid flooding soothing heat over my tense body - when I receive the comm. I'm to report to launch bay one at once. The butterflies that I'd managed to get under control rise up and take over my stomach once more.

I speedily dry my body and dress quickly. Whatever they want I'm sure won't take long, and then I can lick my wounds in private. Out of sight and out of everyone's way.

Uniform donned and hair brushed, I leave the sanctity of my room. Funny, there's usually someone knocking around, but the corridors are quite empty. I frown and an uneasy feeling settles in my stomach. If Enterprise had been taken over, I would have known about it. Should have known about it, but like so many things today, I don't.

As I reach launch bay one, I'm sure I hear voices, but as I listen - nothing. I shrug my shoulders, take a deep, composing breath, and enter. How peculiar, I scowl, that it's all in darkness. I twist to turn the lights on when suddenly - completely unexpectedly - the room is illuminated.

And I hear applause. Now I'm completely out of my depth. I spin on my heels and take in the majority of Engineering, Armoury and the bridge crew - not to mention various other departments.

I know my jaw has dropped - I can feel it swaying under my flabbergasted face. I'm not going to faint - I refuse to faint. I glance around. Colleague after colleague standing in rows. On a platform stand the senior officers, with Captain Archer, Commander T'pol and Tri.oh.I mean Commander Tucker on the front. Whose entire face is lit up with that grin - the one that reaches his eyes and makes them crinkle up with amusement.

His smile soon diminishes when I don't return his smile. I can't. A little voice inside me changes that to I won't. I give myself a mental shrug and slowly glance around the room again.

My legs are actually shaking. I haven't been this nervous since I shoved Trip against the wall on the bridge, and realised I wasn't reacting angrily to him but sexually.

That was the day I understood everything that had passed, everything that was happening to us. I corrected myself internally. I understood it. I don't think Trip ever did. Not sure he ever appreciated why I had to back off from our slowly forming friendship. Why I went back to calling him Commander on and off duty.

"Malcolm? You in there?"

I shake my head, clearing the images in my mind as the voice of the Commander seeps through into my consciousness.

"Oh. Sorry, Commander."

"Thought we'd lost you there, Mal."

And there it was again - the overture of friendship - of something more than friendship. Mal. I had only ever been Malcolm. To my family, to my friends. To the odd girlfriend. But Trip? Malcolm had soon been whittled down to Mal. A warm glow spread through my body.

"No, sir. I apologise. I.what's happening?" I ask him, unable to prevent a smile from forming. My heart leaps as his eyes soften and he grins back. Not his usual hail-fellow-well-met smile, but a gloriously heart-on-his-sleeve smile.

A cough from behind him and he whirls, a faint flush on his cheeks. "Sorry, cap'n. Mal?" He turns back towards me, and reaches out towards my arm. As he pulls on my uniform, he takes a step backwards. I take the hint and walk forward towards the other senior officers. The applause recommences and my nervousness increases.

Thankfully we reach the raised platform. I'm certain my face is beet red and my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest. Checking for him, like he was my anchor, I see Trip to my immediate left, just a hair's breadth behind me. Trip went from his delightfully gentle smile to what is his completely evil you-are-in-for-it-now smile. Oh how I dream of seeing that look, in the privacy of our quarters. He probably has no idea what that look does to me.

My smile disappears as Captain Archer confronts me. He gives me a chin-up smile then stands at my right hand side facing the audience. Trip, meanwhile, moves even closer. He's so close I can feel his body heat permeating my uniform, like an intimate caress. Nothing like invading one's personal space and I glance towards him. He's giving nothing away, but that carefully contrived innocent look doesn't fool me. He knows exactly what he's up to. I concentrate as Captain Archer speaks.

"Firstly, I would like to say a huge thank you to you all. I know Lieutenant Reed has been puzzled and confused all day. He certainly was shocked when he arrived down here, and that's a huge tribute to you all and your secret-keeping skills. Even you managed it, Trip."

"It wasn't that difficult, I just kept out of his way. Hey, are you saying I can't keep secrets?"

I smirked as Trip tried to bluster his way out of the situation, to no avail. Travis, standing right behind me, cannot contain his giggles and I can hear Hoshi, despite her hand over her mouth, chuckling.

"Sometimes you can Trip. Like today. Anyway," Captain Archer turns away from us, and looks down at his crew once more. I daren't look at Trip; I'm certain I would laugh out loud. "Anyway, you all know why you are here. It is one of the few pleasures a starship captain has during long flights through space. The other being marrying crewmates, but unless Lieutenant Reed has a secret he hasn't told anyone, we are here for the other pleasure."

Oh. My. God. What the hell has Archer done now? His green eyes are twinkling in amusement, and I'm struggling not to gawp at him. Secret? Marriage? I try to speak "Um, Captain, I.er."

I can feel Trip slip silently behind me. He leans forward, his breath hot against my ear as he whispers something to me. "Don't worry, Mal, you aint getting married." As relief rushes through me, I almost miss Trip's breathy "Not yet, anyway." That last part naturally bypasses my brain on its direct path to sparking flames in my groin.

Don't look, Malcolm, don't look. I must keep control; I must not do anything that I know I would regret later, back in the safety of my quarters. I clench my hands and hold my breath, my stance stiffening. I want to yell alleluia when Archer continues.

"Lieutenant Malcolm Reed is a shining example of what Enterprise is about. He personifies the loyal, devoted officer - dedicated to what he does and how he goes about it. A more exemplary officer you'd be hard pressed to find.

Which is why today has been one of the most difficult days of my life. Enterprise has been like a ghost ship, trying to keep something from one of the more - shall we say - inquisitive security men on board. There isn't a lot gets past Lieutenant Reed, and thankfully the end is nigh."

Oh God, he's transferring me to another ship is the thought that runs amok in my mind. His words feel like an ice bath. All of my worries about embarrassing myself like some hormonal adolescent vanish in that instant. I try to keep my thoughts off my face as Captain Archer turns once more towards me. Bloody hell, here it comes. I stand, shoulders back, stiffly to attention.

"Lieutenant Malcolm Reed, it gives me the greatest of pleasure to hereby promote you to Lieutenant Commander Malcolm Reed, with all the responsibilities that entails. Congratulations, Commander Reed." He attaches the shiny new pin to my uniform, whilst all I can do is stare.

The applause reaches deafening proportions as he reaches out his hand towards me, but I cant response. Promoted? Me? I had been under the impression that my promotion had been refused. Shaking myself out of my reverie, I clasp hold of his hand.

"Promoted? I." Oh bollocks, shape up Reed. I inhale deeply and try again. "Thank you, Captain, I.promoted?" I shudder as I hear that last word come out with an undignified squeak. I can feel and hear Trip chuckling behind me.

Archer leans towards me, a little like Trip did beforehand. "Do you think I could have my hand back now, Commander?" I glance down. Fuck, I'm still holding it, like it's a lifeline. I drop it immediately, and smile at him, utterly gobsmacked but deliriously happy.

Someone in the audience shouts out "speech" and the rest of the audience take up the call. Oh bloody hell, no! I feel my face blanch. I can't do this and I spin away - right into Trip's waiting arms.

"Oh no you don't, Commander." He emphasises. "You are gonna give them your response." He pivots me, then clasps my right shoulder and I almost feel him giving me strength. Reluctantly I hold my hand up to quiet the still shouting audience. A gentle squeeze from Trip gives me the courage to speak.

"If I was to say to you that this has come as a complete surprise." I broke off as the room erupted into laughter. I continued, my confidence increasing. "Well, today was interesting. Being sent to Coventry by an entire starship is something I'm never going to forget. Being promoted, however, is something else.

You've all played a part in this, whether large or small. You've brought a quiet Englishman out of his shell and I thank you for it. Certain people have had to put up with my moods, my stubborn nature and my.shall we say reluctance to give up without a fight." As I finished, I caught Trip's face just over my left shoulder in my peripheral vision.

"Y'all ought to count yourselves real lucky you don't get to see his.stubbornness too often. That seems to be aimed at myself more often than not." Trip interrupted, but he was grinning.

"I can only say.thank you. To you all, to Commander Tucker for, even while arguing with me, listening to my ideas and giving full consideration to them before deciding I was actually correct." More laughter, and Trip was about to interrupt again but I hastily continued.

"To Hoshi and Travis - who keep me sane and let me spend my off duty time with them occasionally. And mostly to Captain Archer." I turn towards the senior man. "Firstly for allowing me the privilege to serve on this fine vessel, for believing in me. For giving me the confidence to do my job.and for that fine bottle of bourbon on Shuttlepod one Trip and I shared sometime back. Thank you all."

As the applause died down and people left the bay, the Captain called Trip and myself to him. "What's this I hear about sharing bourbon?"

"It was entirely Trip's idea, sir." And I smirk at my friend, who is now glaring at me.

"Why, thank you Commander Reed. I'll remember that, Mally."

Oh fuck, I think that's even worse than Mal!