SquidgeWorld Archive

"Remind me why I'm doing this again?" Logan asked, sounded quite annoyed. He didn't mind the occassional roadtrip with Marie but he certainly hated having Magneto as his backseat driver - and the man couldn't shut up even for a minute.

"You're doing it because I have the power to twist your skeleton into a a pretzel."

"Good answer. It still doesn't answer why you insist on having us go with you on your little mission instead of your pals."

"In case you hadn't noticed, Creed doesn't exactly blend in. Or do you suggest that we walts into a high-security prison with him growling and clawing and looking suspicious?"

"Well, it would be fun to see at any rate."

Magneto just rolled his eyes - "And that would get Charles out of there exactly how?"

"Dunno, but we only have your words that he's in there in the first place. Why should we trust you?"

"Magneto, you know. Logan's got a point. You've done your best to kill us all at one point and the other so" Marie started before Magneto interrupted her "Do you think I'm lying?"

"YES!" both Marie and Logan answered.

"Sigh. What would it take for you two to trust me? Why would I have any reason to harm Charles?"

"You want the list?"

"What list?"

"The fact that he hates you for being a homicidial maniac, that you keep on betraying his trust, that his former friend is a travesty of everything both of you worked for, and that your ugly mush could turn everyone off" Logan answered with too much glea in his voice for Magneto's liking.

"Oh, that!"

"Please don't interrupt. I was only halfway through my list - now where was I? Oh, yes. And..."

"I get the point. Stop rubbing it in, you halfwit."

There was a bit of an uncomfortable silence after that - one that stretched on for many, many minutes. That is, until Logan found that the steering wheel didn't obey him any longer. "Hey, stop it! I'm the driver here, not the crackpot in the back."

"This crackpot in the back is the one that knows where we're going and unless you've developed telepathy as a second mutation or developed a brain I suggest you keep your mouth shut."

"Where the fuck are we going?"

"What did I say about being quiet? Besides, fuck isn't a place Wolverine, at least not one I'd willingly go to with you. "

"That's not what I heard" Marie interrupted.

"And who is your credible source?"

"Bobby."

"Grrrrr"

"Just because Bobby wishes to get in touch with Logan's inner animal, it most certainly doesn't mean that every gay man expresses the same desires."

"Bobby is not gay."

"You sure about that darlin?"

"Of course. I dated him you know, and let me tell you that no one that knows what a woman likes in bed that much could possible be gay!"

"Grrrr. What did I say about boosting about his prowess in bed?"

"What, you're getting jealous Wolverine? The little boy proving to be more of a man than you?"

"That's it bub, one more word and you'll have an adamantium enema!"

"Sorry, I don't like it quite that rough and what did I say about wanting to know of your inner animal? Don't you ever pay attention to anything? I'm sure the little pretty boys at the school and you get along fabulously but I want my men to be a tad smarter than your average tadpole, and look less like Chewbacca while we're at it."

"Hey, I'm the Wolverine and the best at what I do and it's not screwing little boys."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. You like screwing little girls - like the jailbait that's with us here."

"HEY! I'm no jailbait!"

"I see you don't deny being screwed by the mighty Wolverine. There's no accounting for taste I guess. Does his growls and his eu-de-molson cologne turn you on?"

"That doesn't even warrant an answer" Marie answered while turning crimson.

"Ah, I was right I see. Wolverine, Bobby, and who more? Who are you - the mansion mattress?"

"Nah. I'm just." and that's as far as she got before Logan hit the brakes abruptly and Marie almost flew through the windscreen. "What are you thinking with, Logan! You can't break like that for no reason!" she yelled after she had recollected herself.

"Sorry, but there was a squirrel on the road. I couldn't hurt the poor little critter. And you know what I've told you about seatbelts - one way or the other you always manage to screw that up. They will be the death of you some day if you don't listen to what I'm saying."

"Awww, how cute. The mighty Wolverine has a soft spot for furry little animals - maybe you should hook up with Creed instead of the skunkhair here? Your temperaments are more similar at least."

"Shut up! I'm not gay!"

"Denial, denial. Is Ms Grey aware of the fact that you're lusting after her fiancee'?

"That's it! I won't have anything to do with you or this "funny" roadtrip anymore."

"It's not like you have a choice, my dear boy. Besides, we're almost there. 5 more minutes."

The minutes passed slowly and finally the car stopped outside of a house that looked nothing like the military complex Logan would have expected.

"Didn't you say Xavier was in a high-security prison? This looks more like a brothel to me."

"I lied. And why am I not surprised that you'd recognize a brothel when you see one? Did you happen to work here before? Anyway, Charles is in here and we need to rescue him from himself."

"From himself?" Marie asked incredulously.

"Sure. Even though he started it I don't think he'd want to see his brothel tainted with having ordinary humans as customers. He's too proud of a man for that and he needs to be reminded of who he is and where he comes from."

"And what's that?"

"A spoiled rich kid from Salisbury of course. Why he ever chose to start a brothel in America I will never understand but he's a strange man. Now, let's go save him from himself! Are you in or are you out?"

"OUT!" was said in chorus, "You go ahead and do the impossible, and save your imaginary Xavier from his imaginary lovers in this very real brothel. It's not our problem that you're insane."

"Fine, but don't come complaining to me when he's only grateful to me and not you" Magneto said and left in a huff.

He returned about half an hour later, looking decidedly upset and winded.

"What's wrong buckethead? Your little plan went astray? Your undeniable sexual magnetism couldn't persuade him?"

"It's worse than I thought! Not only is he willingly running a brothel but he's consorting with..women! And I thought he liked men! Men like me! There's just no hope!"

"Aww, poor little Eric is all broken-hearted. Here, have a cookie!"

Eric munched on his cookie and said "Just drive! I can't be here any longer. Charles has changed too much and I'll just have to make do without him."

"Buckle up. I'm sure there's someone more for you out there somewhere. Maybe Michael Jackson?"

Eric immediately lit up at that - "Oh yeah! He even has his own never-never land! That's great! But don't you think I'm too old for him? I'm not in kindergarten anymore after all.but I might be able to change his mind. Yes, indeed."

And with that the merry trio drove off into the sunset, happily leaving Xavier behind in his fantasies and with a lingering hope that fanfic writers would stop write drivel like this.