Work Text:
Stabbing Westward II: Save Yourself
by Margaret Brown
I know your life is empty,
and you hate to face this world alone.
So you're searching for an angel,
someone who can make you whole.
I don't know why I'm being so hard on you all of a sudden - you're hurting enough as it is. It's just that the look in your eyes kills me every time I see it, and I can't do a damn thing to make it go away. And even if I could, my hands are tied... It's wrong of me to take that frustration out on you, I know, but it's the only way I can think of to keep the proper distance between us. Letting myself try to ease your pain would take us both someplace we aren't allowed to go...
I cannot save you.
I can't even save myself.
So just save yourself...
I can't help you with this one, Rommie. I'm a bastard for lying when I said I would always be there for you, I know, but I can't be this time...
I know that you've been damaged.
Your soul has suffered such abuse.
But I am not your savior -
I am just as fucked as you.
Every time I see you now, I remember you crying in my arms. It felt good then to be able to comfort you - to be needed by you. Now, I look into those pleading eyes and feel like a complete hypocrite. I shot you in a fit of jealous rage, for God's sake - what right do I have to comfort you? And how the hell is it that you've managed to forget that fact? I almost wish it did matter to you, that you hated me for it as much as I hate myself...
I cannot save you.
I can't even save myself.
So just save yourself...
I can't help you, Rommie, I just can't. I don't have the right...
Please don't take pity on me.
Please don't take pity on me.
Please don't take pity on me.
Please don't take pity on me.
My life has been a nightmare -
my soul is fractured to the bone.
And if I must be lonely,
I think I'd rather be alone.
Even after all this time, I still keep half-expecting to wake up from this nightmare. My life - my world - is gone, forever, and I can't get it back no matter how many worlds join my new Commonwealth. You're the one person in the world who understands that, and I insist on pushing you away. That's the only reason I even pay attention to the 'protocol' that keeps us apart - if I keep you at arm's length, I don't have to deal with this crushing loneliness returning even stronger after I lose you, too.
You cannot save me.
You can't even save yourself...
It's so tempting to fall into childish fantasies of you 'lightening my loneliness' - and believe me, you would, if only for a little while - but childish fantasies only come true in fairy tales and holonovels, despite what Trance says.
I cannot save you.
I can't even save myself...
I can't help you, Rommie. I can't...
Save yourself...
So just save yourself...