Work Text:
Bless Me, Sara
By Margaret Brown, aka Andromeda Valentine
Dear Sara,
I'm sorry I haven't written, but things have been... unsettled the last few days. I'm not sure they'll ever be quite the same...
What was it the Catholics always said before Confession? "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
Well, bless me, Sara, for I have sinned...
I'm a hypocrite, Sara, there's no avoiding it now. I keep expecting Rommie to control her feelings for me, to keep them from influencing her decisions, while telling myself I feel nothing beyond friendship for her. That I'm still a good little High Guard officer obeying all the regulations.
But the first time that gets put to the test, I fail...
I *shot* her, Sara - I shot Rommie in cold blood.
I can repeat all I like that it was for her own good, that I did it to save her from Gabriel, but I know that's *not* all it was. I could have found some other way if I'd tried - but I didn't. I was too angry, too jealous...
It keeps replaying itself in my head...
The sudden white-hot rush of anger as I stood on the Command Deck and realized that Gabriel had... infected her somehow.
The trip from Command down to where they were, my anger held in check only by the quickness of my movements.
The way the white-hot rage inside me went ice-cold when I saw them together. Saw that he had his hands on her.
And the way that rage suddenly turned on *her* when she tried to protect him.
Then, finally, how clarity slowly returned, like surfacing from cold, deep water, as I found myself staring down the length of a pointed forcelance at her lying there on the floor.
The look on her face then will haunt me forever - confused, in pain, but *still* trusting. And the childlike way she called my name, not understanding...
Nothing could speak so clearly, or so eloquently, of my guilt, Sara...
And, do you know, I had the nerve to try and comfort her after all this? After my jealousy and guilt caused me to leave Gabriel be, so that she had to kill him herself and stain her hands with the same sin that's on mine?
I stood there and held her in my arms as she cried, Sara. Told her I would protect her, be her heart.
And she believed me. Even after I shot her, she believed me. She actually looked into my eyes and smiled with relief and hope.
My god, Sara, what have I done...?
END