Work Text:
*Sigh*
by AZ
I sighed, rubbing my hand over my face as I sat down at the kitchen table. I took another sip of the coffee and winced at the bitter taste. I could swear that Johnny had added something to it on purpose to make it taste so bad. Making me suffer through bad coffee was another one of my punishments. I mentally ticked off the growing list: Johnny not talking to me, Johnny not looking at me, Johnny sleeping with his back towards me....
*Sigh*
I risked a glance at my partner. He stood at the station sink, clearing off the dinner plates before washing them one by one. Normally I would be helping him, trading banter back and forth as we made easy work of the chore. But not now, not for the last week. No, make that the last five days...let's not make this hell seem longer than it was.
Five long days. Five days of him not smiling at me, not flashing me that grin of his that always made me want pin him up against the wall and ravish him. Five days of not having my best friend, my lover, my partner, and my soulmate....
*Sigh*
My soulmate? I cringed at the thought, giving myself a mental kick. Where had that come from? Watching too many late night movies instead of being in bed curled up with my lover, that was were it had come from. I'd been going to bed as late as possible on our off-shifts, hating the chill that I could feel coming from him. I knew that I was imagining it, but I could swear it was there. Like big, huge, icy blocks of silence keeping me from him. I felt I couldn't get over, through, or around the wall Johnny had built up out of those blocks.
I caught the sigh this time before anyone could hear it. Maybe if I gave him more time. It wasn't so bad during work. He and I still worked well together, same as always. I didn't think that our shift mates had noticed anything wrong with our working relationship, or we certainly would have heard from the Cap by now.
*Sigh*
I quickly looked over at the group clustered around the TV and shook my head. Good, none of them seemed to have noticed me sitting here mooning over my love life. I wondered if a man could sigh himself to death and decided I didn't want to find out.
Gathering myself together, I picked up my mug and walked over to the sink, placing it down on the counter. Johnny was just finishing up washing the dishes and he didn't even glance up at me.
I stepped close enough so I knew I wouldn't be over heard, close enough that I could smell the sharp tang of his aftershave. I stopped, forgetting what I had been about to say as a sharp pang went through me. I wondered why he was even using it. It certainly hadn't been for me lately, and it had better not be for anyone else. He had never even bothered with the stuff until I had given him some for our second anniversary.
*Sigh*
I looked over and noticed that he had gone still. His body was tense, jaw clenching as he studiously ignored the fact that I was standing next to him. I felt my throat tighten. This was tearing us both apart, making both of us feel miserable. I knew I shared part of the blame for what had happened, but I didn't know what to do about it until he was willing to talk to me.
Maybe, maybe he was waiting for me to take the first step just as I'd been waiting for him to. I bit the inside of my bottom lip, and wondered what would be the best course of action. I finally reached out and lightly placed my hand against the small of his back. He tensed up even more and I waited, just lightly circling the pad of my thumb against his back. A few moments went by and I watched as his eyes closed, then he leaned back slightly against the touch of my hand.
"I've missed you," I said softly, letting all the pain I'd been feeling the last few days color my words. I waited, daring to hope that I had said the right thing.
The muscles of his jaw moved as he clenched and unclenched his teeth. Then he simply nodded once and moved away from me to start placing the dishes up into the cupboard.
*Sigh*
My hand dropped to my side. Okay, maybe I *was* going to find out if a man could sigh himself to death. I was starting to think it might be preferable to what I'd been going through. We had the next two days off. Perhaps I could try again then.
For now I was going to bed; at least my lover was warm and inviting in my dreams. Of course that meant I would be completely frustrated by the time I woke up. Going five days without him, six days if you count the shift previous to the fight -- god it was going to kill me. This must be why my marriage to Joanne had broken up. I had never felt this way with her, never felt like I was going to break into a million fragile pieces because I couldn't hold her, touch her, make love to her.
*Sigh*
Damn, I wanted things back to normal. I turned and headed towards the apparatus bay, the first genuine smile of the evening on my lips as I looked over at my shift mates. They had been completely blind to what had transpired between Johnny and me; all four of them engrossed with the western they had on.
"Night," I called out and received a wave from the Cap and a couple of nods from the others.
I was tired. After brushing my teeth and taking a shower all I wanted was some sleep. Maybe I would get some tonight; lord knew I hadn't had much luck the last couple of nights.
*Sigh*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was awake. The klaxons hadn't gone off, the lights weren't on, but I was suddenly awake. I slowly opened my eyes to the dimness of the room. My breath caught. Johnny was knelling beside my bed, his silhouette outlined by the faint light from the apparatus bay.
I lay completely still, knowing that he could tell by my change in breathing that I was awake. He reached out and I felt the soft touch of fingertips drift over my face. They traced over my forehead, my nose, and my cheeks, then they lingered over my lips.
"Johnny," I whispered against the fingertips. They pressed against my lips, silencing me before the touch was removed.
He stood up, then reached down to tug at my hand, pulling me upright. I couldn't see his face in the shadows, couldn't tell what he might be feeling. My heart thudded in my chest; I was sure the entire shift would be woken up with the sound of it. But the room was quiet, only the regular snores and breathing could be heard.
My hand was dropped and he leaned down to press a quick kiss against my lips. Before I could react he was gone, headed out of the dorm and into the apparatus bay. I sat there frozen for a few seconds and then scrambled for my turnouts. I jammed my feet into my boots and was headed for the door before my mind could catch up with my actions.
I searched the apparatus bay and then headed towards the kitchen. I was about to turn around and check the Cap's office when I noticed that the back door was open a crack. My heart leapt and I fairly ran over to the door. My hand curled around the doorknob and I froze as my mind finally caught up to my body with a screech. I took a deep breath. Oh god let me say the right thing, let me do the right thing, help me, please help me make this right, please, please, please, pleasepleasepleaseplease.
I waited a few moments more, 'til my breathing slowed and the panic receded a bit. I pushed the door open and stepped out into the night, leaving the door cracked open again behind me. I paused, stopping a few steps away from the door, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. I couldn't believe I was so nervous, that this meant so much to me. Damn it, my freaking hands were shaking. I had to do this right.
I scanned the parking lot, searching for Johnny before spotting him. He was over by the back wall, turned away as he looked up into the night sky. I felt a surge of emotions wash over me. Sweet heavens, he was so beautiful, so headstrong, so passionate, so much a part of me. What was that word...my soulmate. It sounded like such drivel, but I could think of nothing else that was close to what I felt towards this man.
It was chilly; I could feel it through the thinness of my undershirt as I rubbed my hand over my arm. He just stood there, still looking up into the sky. I took a deep breath and walked over to him, hesitating before I slipped my arms around his waist from behind. I felt the pinpricks of tears come to my eyes when he sighed and leaned back against me.
I tightened my arms around his waist and buried my face into the nape of his neck. I gently kissed the skin under my lips as his head fell forward. I relaxed for the first time in days when I felt the tension drain out of both our bodies.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." I began.
"It's been so hard to stay mad at you," he said at the same time.
We both stopped, then he turned around in my arms, looking up at me. I wasn't sure what he could see in the darkness but he reached up and gently cupped my face in his hand. I shuddered as his fingertip traced over my ear, all my emotions washing over me again. He leaned in and kissed me. Oh, it was wonderful, so sweet and precious.
He broke the kiss and laid his head against my shoulder, his arms circled my waist just as mine were around his. There are certain advantages in having a lover almost the same height as you are. We fit together perfectly, our bodies as well matched as our souls.
We stood there for a long time; I'm not sure just how long it was. It didn't seem to matter. By then I knew it would be okay. We would work it out, talk about it and try to figure out how to make sure it never happened again.
Never let anyone tell you that love is easy or hand you that bullshit about love meaning 'never having to say your sorry'. Only an idiot thinks that. Love is hard work, it's putting away your pride sometimes, and putting the other person's feelings before yours. The only saying I've ever listened to about love was that love is what's left in a relationship after all the selfishness has been removed. I can promise you it's not easy but it's worth it. Worth all of it and a hundred fold more.
We didn't say anything more, just held each other and kissed a few more times. Nothing passionate, I think we were both too wrung out by then to get carried away. We headed back inside and he stopped me beside the squad and gave me another kiss. I almost changed my mind about being too wrung out, but before I could try anything he smiled at me and headed into dorm.
I stood there with a goofy grin on my face for a few moments, then went into the locker room to splash some water over my face. I was reaching for a towel when I got the bejeezus scared out of me by a hand being clapped onto my shoulder. I shoved down the unmanly scream that tried to make its way out of my throat and looked up to see the Cap smiling at me.
"You guys get it worked out?" he asked.
"Ahhh, I think so Cap," I managed to say.
His smile broadened and he patted my shoulder. "Good, good. I've been worried about you two. The guys will be happy to hear it."
I just stood there with my mouth open like a fish. What a twit I had been for thinking that Johnny and I had managed to hide our feelings from these guys we worked with, slept with, ate with and came damn close to dying with on more than several occasions.
I was trying to think of some sort of coherent reply when the Cap nodded towards the dorm.
"We got a couple more hours before wake-up, you'd better get some sleep," he said. He was using his 'because I told you too', voice so I just nodded and headed for my bunk.
It isn't a bad life being in love with Johnny and working with this bunch of guys. No, it isn't bad at all.
end