Work Text:
Not Worth It
by Nash
Xander watches Spike for a moment, making sure that the vampire can deal with the zombies before running after Angel and Cordelia. He's been curious to see this Lindsey guy that managed to piss off Cordy so much. When Angel stated his intention to deal with this Lindsey once and for all, Xander refused to stay behind. He may not have known Doyle but Cordy was his friend and this guy harmed her and her family. He reaches the room just in time to hear Lindsey reply to Angel's greeting.
"And the hero arrives right on schedule. And with a date, and my boy besides."
Xander stands frozen in the corridor, staring at the man. He stares and blinks slowly, as if that can make this not real. It's not James standing there, mocking Angel. Not James sneering at him and laughingly informing Angel that one of his own team was sleeping with him. It's not James cause this isn't real. He's obviously stumbled into some kind of alternate universe where his lover is someone he doesn't even know.
James isn't Lindsey. He isn't even a lawyer for heaven's sake.
....................................
The first time Xander saw James he thought his lousy luck in love had finally changed. This guy was 100% human and pretty good-looking to boot.
After they heard about Angel joining with the evil law firm, Buffy and Giles insisted that someone should keep an eye on the firm. Xander volunteered. He was tired of Africa and he missed the good old US of A. Besides, he wanted to give his girls time to get used to the fact that he had finally come out of the closet. He refused to lie to himself or his friends anymore by pretending to be someone he wasn't. He'd done enough of that in his life. Which didn't mean he was ready to deal with the consequences up close and personal. So he came out to his friends just before he got on the plane. A couple of phone calls later, the girls were done berating him for pulling that stunt and peace had returned to the group.
His first night in LA he psyched himself up and went to a gay bar. He hadn't planned on meeting someone; all he wanted was to prove to himself that he could do this, hang out at a gay bar, admit to the world in general that he was gay.
James came up to him and started chatting. He tried to tell the guy that he wasn't interested, but James insisted that all he wanted was some companionship. He assured Xander that there would be no pressure to do anything other than chat. They talked for hours that night, Xander told James all about his life, carefully editing out the monsters and demons. James told him about himself, his hopes and aspirations.
He played the poor Oklahoma kid perfectly, with his big blue eyes and his sexy accent. It was all too easy to talk Xander into going out with him.
It was even easier to make Xander fall in love with him. He'd always been a sucker for pretty eyes and a dazzling smile. James was fun to be with, he didn't treat Xander like an invalid or look at him with pity. He accepted the fact that Xan had lost his eye in a mugging and never mentioned it again.
.................................
Now Xander knows why. Lindsey had always known what happened. He knew about Caleb and what Xander was doing in LA. No need to ask because he knew.
Angel seems to ignore the taunts but Xander can see the vampire's back tense up. Angel never liked it when someone played anyone in his team. Guess Xander's part of them now.
He can feel Cordelia looking at him curiously. A moment later he can tell she made the connection between the boyfriend he'd been babbling about since she'd woken up, and Lindsey.
"Xander I'm so sorry." She says, big brown eyes full of sadness for him.
He can't do anything but nod dazedly and watch Lindsey and Angel fight.
...................................
James was kind and patient with Xander. He never pushed for more than what Xander felt ready to give, and he kept assuring him that they didn't have to rush into things, he would wait until Xander was ready to take their physical relationship forward. He never complained about the kisses that led nowhere or the heavy petting that kept getting interrupted because Xander got scared.
That was partly why Xander begun to trust him. James was so patient and loving with him, it proved that he cared enough, wanted him enough, to wait for him.
..................................
"Cordy, Xander, get out of here!" Angel yells but Lindsey won't have it.
"No, hang out. This won't take long and we can play later." He smirks, staring straight at Xander.
Xander wonders if James had been so patient cause he could satisfy himself elsewhere. He'd seen the way Eve reacted before. She obviously cares for Lindsey. She probably provides him with all the physical pleasure he needs, no need to stay frustrated after a fumbling boy lets him down.
Angel is growling at Lindsey now, saying something about Xander, but he can't focus enough to follow. He's still confused as to why Lindsey looks so much like James.
Because he is James, moron, a voice inside whispers but Xander doesn't want to believe it and he clings to the sense of unreality that has him in its grip.
......................................
The first time they made love, at least the first time Xander made love... James...Lindsey was probably just having sex...
The first time, Xander was so happy to finally find someone he could trust enough to do this with. After the Faith episode, he'd promised himself that his first times would always be important. So he waited until he felt he could trust James and then set up the most romantic evening he could think of without turning into a girl. He took James out for dinner in one of the coziest restaurants in LA. It wasn't fancy or expensive but the atmosphere was friendly and the food was good. They talked and laughed and flirted through the date and they strolled back to Xander's apartment hand-in-hand, stopping every few steps for a kiss.
When they reached the apartment, Xander led James inside and leaned close to whisper in his ear. He told him he was finally ready, asked him to make love to him before he changed his mind. When he drew back James was smiling and his eyes were full of heat and lust.
James was careful and tender with him. He undressed Xander slowly, licking and nibbling on every centimeter of the skin he revealed. By the time he reached for Xander's trousers, the brunet was begging for more, every doubt erased in the face of the attention and pleasure lavished on him. By the end of the evening, Xander was ready to trust James with his life and his heart. He'd well and truly fallen.
....................................
Xander looks at Lindsey as he fights with Angel and reality intrudes a little as he wonders if there was a little bit of triumph in that look. He tries to recreate it in his mind's eye, but he can't see anything but lust in those blue eyes. Wishful thinking. Lindsey was playing him and he let himself be played.
"Xander! Help Cordelia! We need to shut this down." Angel yells and Xander snaps out of his daydream and runs to help his friend.
"Yeah, lover. Help the girl shut it down."
Xander carefully keeps his eyes away from Lindsey. He looks too much like James. He can't be James. James cares for him. He doesn't see Angel flash into game face at Lindsey's words.
..........................................
They met every day after that first time. Xander was impatient to learn more, to enjoy his lover to the fullest. He asked about the tattoos and James laughed and said he'd done them in Nepal, during his travels. He told Xander all about his year in India, explaining that the tattoos were supposed to protect him from evil, laughing and admitting that he only did them cause he liked the designs.
James laughed a lot during their time together. Xander had been enchanted by the easy laugh and the twinkle it brought to his lover's eyes.
Lindsey laughs and Xander marvels at how the laughter changed from joyful to venomous.
"You know, all my carefully laid out plans, my designs, when you get right down to it, that was pretty sweet, too, huh? You take something from me, I take something from you." He grins and points to Xander. "He's pretty sweet you know, moans and gasps so sweetly under me. Reason enough for me to come back. A perfect bonus to the main event, you, me... fight to the death... yours."
Xander hears the words and shock finally gives way to anger as reality finally comes rushing back. He'd held on to some tiny hope that maybe Lindsey...James...maybe he cared a little. But that was as fake as James himself, it never existed anywhere other than in Xander's head.
"Angel!" Cordelia screams and he snaps to attention just in time to see Angel impaled by a sword.
Before he has a chance to do anything, Angel's back, stronger than ever and beating Lindsey up, spouting off about being a hero and whatever.
"So what now, huh? Think you got it in you to kill me? Think Xander'll let you kill his lover?" Lindsey taunts them, smirking at Xander and there it is, the triumph in his eyes.
Angel stops and looks at him uncertainly as Xander just stares at Lindsey. He's not James. James is a lie. The reality is nothing but a pathetic evil man, with delusions of grandeur. An asshole who was about to let them all die without a single regret.
"I really don't think he has to actually kill you." He says coldly.
"Sweetie, your epidermis is showing." Cordelia says sweetly, coming to stand next to Xander, putting her arm around his waist.
He watches Lindsey get sucked into the vortex marvelling at the emptiness inside him. Shouldn't he be in pain or something? His lover turned out to be evil, he just got done trying to kill them all and will probably face a fate worse than death.
"Xander? Sweetie, are you okay?"
"No." He replies, letting Cordy wrap her arms around him and hold him close. "I thought he loved me."
On the way back upstairs, he's silent, still trying to reconcile his James with Lindsey. Cordy still throwing worried glances his way, but he ignores her.
Eve is quickly dispatched but not before Xander has the bittersweet pleasure of telling her exactly what Lindsey had been doing those nights he left her alone. He feels bitter and small but he can't stop the words coming out of his mouth. The shock in Eve's face, the pain as she realises she's been used too, it doesn't give him any pleasure but he feels a sort of satisfaction that he's not alone in this, he wasn't the only one fooled.
"Well, I'm thinking seabreeze, compadres. I gave up a lot of blood for this gig." Lorne says cheerfully and everyone agrees but Xander is too lost in his own thoughts to pay attention.
"Xander? You coming with?"
Xander looks up at Lorne's expectant face and tries to formulate an answer. He must be looking more pathetic than he thought because Lorne waves the others on their way and comes up to talk to him.
"Not to be the bearer of clichés, sweet-cheeks but this? Won't matter in the long run. There are too many other fishies in the sea for one crooked one to matter."
"I loved him and he wasn't real. I was nothing to him." He says softly, still trying to believe it.
"You're not nothing to a whole lot of others, brown-eyes. Why do you think he picked you? You're important and using you hurts more. Go talk to the big guy, huh? He might clear up a few things."
Xander isn't sure he understands but he nods numbly and follows Lorne's directions. He hesitantly knocks on the door and walks into the office just in time to see Angel break down.
"Angel? What's...what's wrong?"
Angel is too upset to talk so Xander gathers him in his arms and tries to soothe him. He can't believe he's comforting Deadboy of all people but the guy seems to be in so much pain, he can't just leave him alone. He'll deal with his own stuff another day, Lindsey isn't worth leaving a friend in pain. Not worth it at all.
end