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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
Completed:
2005-03-07
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5,277
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2/2
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Courage

Summary:

Rating: PG-13
Pairing: S/X
Spoilers: General ones for season four through seven BtVS, mostly AU
Disclaimer: You couldn’t begin to believe the stuff they would do if I owned them. For now Joss owns them and we must worship and respect the things he is doing with them.
Distribution: www.geocities.com/sireandchilde/home.html Any other place that has my work, others just let me know and you can have.
Feedback: Please? Cookies for everyone that does.
Authors note: I already have an idea for a sequel. I need lots of positive feedback for it though.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: complete

Chapter Text

Courage
by Stephanie C.
made_of_clay83@yahoo.com

 

It takes courage to kill yourself and that was something that he didn't have. Those who knew him, or thought they knew him, would disagree. Say he had courage to spare, but in the long run all he had was a brave face. At night he would sit by himself in the dark with the gun in his hand. Admiring how it glowed in the moonlight reflecting through the open curtains. He bought the gun when he was 16 at some low-rent, back-alley thrift store that wasn't known for their obedience to follow the laws or their 30 day lay away policy.

He had bought it on a whim. No one knew he had it except the man who sold it to him and something told him that he would never be able to identify it in a line up. And now Spike knew. He couldn't keep his nightly ritual hidden from the man tied to the chair for long. He was surprised that it remained a secret this long. This was why he never could be with Anya, the invasion into his secrets was costly. That's why to an extent he couldn't be with Cordelia or Willow or Buffy. He could never trust himself enough to let them in on his secret.

No, courage was something he definitely lacked. He wasn't strong. That was taken from him long ago. Before Buffy, before even Willow. He was worthless, that's all he's ever been told and that is what he believed. Who cares if he killed this demon or helped an old lady cross the road. He has always been and always will be weak.

Now Spike was a different story. When he and Willow walked in on Spike trying to kill himself he knew from them on he would admire the vampire. No matter what Spike did from then on he would have the boy's admiration for he carried a force greater than any evil he could hope to commit and that was the courage to do what he felt needed to be done.

*************************

Four nights he had been watching the boy. Touching and caressing the gun as he would an old lover. Great care was given to that piece of machinery and he knew that it was important to him. Spike had no doubt that none of his friends knew about that. They would object to quickly.

Xander saw him for the first time last night. Their eyes met and understanding was passed. Two men stripped of everything they stood for. Their prowess their sense of being torn to shreds. He had the bloody chip, but as for the boy he wasn't sure. He'd be willing to bet the rest of his existence that it had something to do with the man upstairs. His father. But he couldn't ask, not yet. Why he even cared is beyond him. He could count on one hand how many people he cared about in his lifetime and now this boy all of a sudden grabbed his attention. Perhaps he was a sucker for the weak, an eternal fucking care giver.

No, it was because he felt a kinship to the boy. Both of them trying so hard to fit where they don't belong. For Spike it was a more obvious separation. No longer a master in a demon world, now a minion in a human one. It tore at him to be here. Sure he had the joy of killing demons now, but that went against all laws of nature so what was he supposed to do when that final safety net fell. Kill himself? Perhaps. He tried the other day and he honestly knew that even without the interference of the humans it probably wouldn't have happened. He was afraid of what lay beyond for him. He knew there was no angels or virgins waiting on the other side of a bleedin' pearly gate for him. He kept meaning to ask Angel what happened to him, but he wasn't ready to face his sire just yet. Eventually, soon, he would.

***************************

Xander put the gun back in its case. Gently, with severe reverence. He stashed the box back in its place under the bed. Behind the stack of rarely used porn, in front of the box of sweaters his aunt made him every year that he never wore but didn't have the heart to throw away. Caressing the leather of the case one last time he stood up and walked to the window.

The moonlight shined down casting eerie shadows across the yard. Wondering which of the shadows hid the monsters of night he knew were out there he took in the sight of the full moon. He had almost forgot that was tonight. He had kept track since Oz. Smiling slightly at the thought of the werewolf out there chained to a tree or locked in a cage he admired the freedom his friend had. Cursed but still taking all that life had to offer. Oz knew of Xander's desperation. How he knew Xander wasn't sure. Maybe it had something to do with his wolf senses maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was always watching, always seeing what the others were to busy to see. Or maybe they didn't want to see it, what ever the case it wasn't that important in the long run, not anymore.

No, how he knew was a mystery. No words were ever exchanged over the matter, it was Oz, words never expressed much with him. Xander could tell by the way when he would get the most depressed, when it was the most overwhelming Oz would reach over and grab his hand in a silent yet steady form of support. Whenever Xander needed it he could curl up with Oz, and cry himself out as the wolf silently petted his hair. And while sex was never involved, Oz was the best lover he ever had.

Turning from the window to the bed he stared at the vast white sheets with the usual emptiness setting in his stomach. Seeing Spike from the corner of his eyes he turned to face the vampire. Eyes devoid of the mocking Xander expected and filled with only curiosity. He walked to Spike pausing only for a second as he reached him, he began to untie him loosening the ropes knowing he wasn't afraid of the demon anymore. Spike stood stretching aching muscles watching Xander. Xander slipped into his bed pulling the covers to his chin, looking up he saw Spike still watching him not moving except to rub his muscles. Pulling back the covers on the other side of the bed he waited until Spike slid in. Scooting closer to the vampire till their skin almost touched he fell asleep.

****************************

He was completely unnerved. Relishing in the comfort of the bed, no matter how lumpy it was, it was better than sleeping tied to a chair. Hell of a lot better than being tied to the bloody porcelain bath tub at the watchers. The warmth radiating of the boy consumed him, lulling him towards slumber. Thoughts drifting through his mind.

Who this boy was, what he was capable of? It was obvious to Spike that he was capable of more than he was letting on. More than anyone knew, including Xander himself. The boy had lulled himself into a sense of security as the whipping boy of the group. Aiding the Slayer and the rest of the band of merry men gave him a purpose and that was all, a reason not to kill himself. Spike knew better. Xander was pure strength even if it wasn't of the physical or mental kind his friends had. He had strength of heart and strength in his emotions and he chose not to see it.

An emotional bond had already begun to grow between the two men. Obvious through the fact of Spike being invited into the bed and Spike not having thoughts of the boys blood staining the white sheets. Perhaps two many years with his dark princess had driven him slightly mad. Angelus always said it would. Then again, Angelus was a prat who couldn't tell his arse from his face if it weren't for the scent of hair gel. A connection like this was hard to find, and he wasn't entirely sure of the balance that they stood on but there was time to decide that.

Listening to the light snoring of Xander laying next to him he reached out and took the boys hand, fingers intertwining. It almost felt like a type of euphoria to Spike the sights, the smells, the feelings. The last thing he felt before he fell into a deep sleep was Xander curling up closer, head on Spike's shoulder and leg casually tossed over his own.

***********************************

It had been three weeks since the first boundary had been crossed between the two. Not much had changed on the outside appearance of the two. Spike was still sarcastic, Xander expressed his dry humor making the girls role their eyes. The occasional snappy remark was passed between the two but it was more for show than anything else. Nobody noticed that the two were normally with in arm length of each other. Nobody would notice Xander's hand slip into Spike's under the table at the research meetings nor that they always went their own way at patrols.

No one noticed when Xander began to get fidgety and wanted nothing more to get away Spike would reach over and squeeze his thigh in reassurance. No one saw the way Spike would lean over and run his hand through Xander's hair to help him find his center. No one cared enough to notice that Spike had not returned to Giles or that Xander had yet to offer him up.

Perhaps it was because they had finally begun to grow apart. Each beginning their own lives. It wasn't that they didn't care about Xander, or worry about Spike's influence. They just had other things that needed to come first now. Buffy and her new boyfriend and the Initiative. Giles and his new found bachelorhood. Willow and her new girlfriend. Spike had sensed that fact before it had even begun its full swing and told Xander. He never mentioned it to Willow that he knew though. It was her place to tell and he knew that she would, eventually.

It was okay though. Xander had his new job at the construction sight. He had finally begun a search for his own place on Spikes urging. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that Spike would be coming with him when he finally found it. He couldn't imagine his life without Spike now. They cared for each other in a very twisted way. It wasn't sexual, though they could both feel that start to grow. It was a co-dependency that worked. It wouldn't last forever though. They both knew that. Spike was immortal and Xander was working on building the courage to do something he had been planning for years.

Forever wasn't something either new the meaning of, the words behind it in the dictionary weren't real. Both were trying to get through the day and wondering what was going to happen in then next that even next week seemed an eternity away. Their hands were together under the table as Xander stared unblinking at the definition in the dictionary, for a limitless time. But doesn't everything have it's limits? The one thing Xander learned growing up everything had a line you could not cross because usually the consequences were dire. Yeah, they might as well just left that blank for all the good it was doing him.

The sound of a voice broke his trance along with the feel of Spike squeezing his hand. Giles wanted to know what he had come up with on the demons they were researching. Xander could honestly say nothing even though he knew that wasn't what they wanted to hear. He made a joke to cover his awkwardness even though he knew before it left his mouth it was lame. Eyes were rolled and all attention was turned from him except from the vampire sitting to his left.

Things changed that night again. Instead of sitting in the background silently watching as Xander performed his ritual with the gun as he had since this began he stepped forward. Taking Xanders hand in his Spike startled him out of his trance. Their eyes met, blue and brown reflecting in the moonlight and Xander smiled. It was slight, mouth barely twisting upwards in fashion but it was there. And a new understanding was passed when Spike leaned over and kissed him. Lips barely brushed each other but that was all they needed to be as in sync as they had now become. Xander leaned his head on Spikes shoulder and Spike rested his head on top of Xander's. Their hands tightened their grip on each other and they stayed like that for an hour, maybe more. Then the gun went back in its leather case, was put under the bed, between the stack of rarely used porn and the many unworn sweaters. They crawled under the covers, kissed each other good night and fell asleep in each others arms. Xander began to believe change was good.

*************************************

Two weeks later found the two moving into their new place. Xander's signature still wet on the lease and boxes piling up around them. The rest of the gang congratulated Xander on his new apartment. No one thought to ask if Spike was staying and the two men didn't care to tell them. Surprised this secret had lasted as long as it has neither of them cared to announce it to the rest of the gang. They hadn't flaunted it around town, they didn't do the things normal couples did. Dinner, trips to the cineplex, picnics on the sunny knoll (for they both knew how that one would turn out). But they didn't try to hide it either.

The smart ass remarks between the two had stopped all together. Smiles were passed that sometimes made Xander's friends question what was so funny. Xander would shake his head and ignore any further pressing that they caused. Of course, the others began to question Spike on why he still hung around. Again they were ignored, but neither men believed they realized they were being kept out of the loop. They still had their own business to attend to and they never really cared about anything beyond their romantic interests and the demon of the week. Though Xander couldn't fault them that because he was the same way.

The gun was the first thing unpacked. It was placed under their bed. The sweaters were slid behind it and the porn was put in front of it. Across from the bed was a window the moon shone in perfectly. The bed was made, white cotton sheets were laid out and tucked under. The white quilt was laid across the top and spread smooth. Each of them stood on either side of the bed working in perfect harmony with the other.

They had begun a ritual long ago when their whole twisted relationship started. They would wake up and lay still not moving for as long as possible. Then rising, they would make the bed, Xander stood on the left side, Spike the left. Breakfast was made. Something simple for Xander, usually cereal, sometimes pop tarts. Spike would warm his blood, sometimes pig, sometimes human. He still remembered the first time he tasted the human. Eyes shooting up to met Xanders. He knew at once were Xander had got it and felt ashamed of himself for not noticing the fresh cut on the inside of Xander's arm. Drinking it down he felt every fiber of his body hum, from his brain to his groin and everything in between. It was never mentioned of course. Spike kept close watch on his blood letting and every night before bed Spike would kiss every cut that he could find on the boys body.

After breakfast Xander would head to work while Spike went and slept on the sofa not wanting to mess the bed up before it's time. On the weekends they both would curl up on the sofa and watch TV together. The programs were never the same but that didn't matter because neither of them really watched it anyway. Lunch came and Xander would come home from work where Spike already had it ready for him. On Saturday they would go out. The sewer system in Sunnydale was truly amazing thanks to the late great Mayor Wilkins.

The afternoon were usually spent with them wandering the sewers, Spike teaching Xander the finer points on fighting dirty. Or Xander would return to work and Spike would remain at the house waiting with an always decreasing patience for Xander to return home. After that they sat at home waiting for the sun to set by telling each other stories of their past. It didn't matter that they had both heard them all many times before they both listened, laughing at the right points, looking sad, or angry at all the right times. Xander never spoke of his father while Spike never spoke of his mother. They never pushed each other and they never questioned.

When the sun set they would head to Giles place for updates and research. No one there questioned why they always arrived together. Perhaps they knew and really didn't care but they both sincerely doubted that after the Angel/Buffy fiasco. After that was patrol, again no one questioned why they left together, it just was like that. Spike would let his demon loose and tear into anything that got to close to either of them. And no matter how often he saw Spike battle, his white knight complex always kicked in and he would have to sit on his hands to keep from interfering.

When they arrived back home they would both be energized from the fighting that it turned into another type of energy release. At times it would be a slow love making exploring each others bodies, tasting and tempting. At others it would come across in a dark savage need. Nails clawing, bodies fighting for dominance that would be surrendered at the end.

And then would come quiet time. The end of sex was always the same no matter what. They would cling to each other while Xander caught his breathe and Spike had a cigarette, Xander would occasionally join in on one, having stopped worrying about things such as lung cancer a long time ago. Getting up they would shower together and with clean bodies at least head back to the bed where Spike would sit on the bed across from the window. Xander would retrieve the box and sit at Spikes right side. Taking the gun from the box in his right hand and Spikes hand in his left they would sit there sometimes thirty minutes, sometimes up to a hour. Either way nothing destroyed their bubble. Silence echo all around them and it stayed that way till Xander laid his gun back in the box putting the box away behind the porn, in front of the sweaters.

**********************************

Oz came back the other night. He was there to see Willow, everyone knew that, even Xander, though a part of him wanted to believe Oz was there to see him. Spike knew about Oz, and while he respected the boy for caring for Xander before, every jealous bone in his body was ringing when he realized who it was. He maintain his temper and composure, barely. Oz, of course knew right away of the relationship, perhaps his wolf nature of his unnatural ability to know of everything that was happening around him. Oz and Spike sized each other up. One looking at the competition the other judging the man who took over his position as caretaker. Xander interrupted the testosterone ball that was taking place and Oz turned his attention to Willow satisfied with his interpretation of Spike.

When Xander found out of Oz's capture by the initiative, he didn't even have to ask. Spike was up, locked and loaded to aid in the break out. Tension ran high through the entire thing on everyone's part. Buffy felt it was her job to lead, Willow, of course, blamed herself, Xander wanted to help one of the few people that meant more than life to him and Spike, well he wanted Xander safe and happy, well as close to happy as he got. Riley to blamed himself and Xander began to respect and understand the man for the first time as he lead the group to the underground cells. He wasn't to unlike Xander in the fact that he only wanted to do what was right and sometimes he couldn't figure out or understand which is which. This humanized Riley for the first time and finally they stood eye to eye.

Oz returned with Spike and Xander to their place to stay the night, and for the first time ever their ritual was broken. No love making, no leather box. It was weird and discomforting to them both but they moved on past it. That night they stayed up talking. Through the full moon and into early dawn when Xander finally fell asleep in Spikes arms. Tucking the boy into bed with a kiss, Spike finally turned to Oz in their first and only private moments together. Oz warned him to keep an eye on Xander, to keep looking for the night when the guns no longer in the box when he pulls it out. Oz left, driving off into the sunrise as was his backwards way, and Spike remained at Xanders side holding his hand and watching him sleep.

**********************************************

The Initiative and Adam were down for the count. Months of strategy and running around with no one to point the finger at had taken it's toll on the group. Spike had stood by them through the end. Even after the others found out about their relationship and almost killed him. He stood behind Xander through the entire spell one hand on his shoulder. Xander knew it wouldn't have worked without him. Xander may have been the heart of the group but he had no heart of his own without Spike. He didn't know when his feelings for Spike went from dependency to love, but it had and there was no turning back.

This would all end in pain, Xander knew and he was waiting for it now. Spike had begun to give him something he never thought he would have. Something he had waited for since the first time his father hit him and knocked him across the kitchen. Just a bit of courage.