Work Text:
Displaced
By Bruceybabe
Rodney stood on one of Atlantis's lesser used balconies, leaning on the rail, and looking out at the ocean.
Major Sheppard had returned from Chaya's planet, and had filled them in on what had happened.
She and her people were safe and the Wraith destroyed, but she was forbidden from helping them.
Rodney had mixed feelings on that. He was glad that a few more Wraith were dead, and had been stopped before hurting
anyone.
At the same time he was finding it hard to get over his dislike of the woman.
She had deliberately misled them, knowing all along she couldn't help them.
She was an Ancient but she had told them nothing.
In coming to Atlantis she had even put her own people at risk by leaving them defenseless.
"McKay"
Rodney had been so lost in thought he hadn't heard the door opening behind him, and of course it would be the last person
he wanted to see.
"Major"
Rodney's tried to keep his voice emotionless, and continued staring at the horizon
"So, what are you doing all the way out here?"
"Thinking. That is if it's all right with you?" His tone came out sharper than he'd intended, but dammit couldn't he tell he
wanted to be left alone?
"You're still pissed off about Chaya, aren't you? She didn't mean us any harm you know, she was just lonely."
At this McKay did turn to look at him. He could feel himself losing his temper.
"You're missing the point Major, it's all very well saying that now, but what if she hadn't been. What if by trusting her you
had manged to invite someone into *Atlantis* itself that could have destroyed us!"
"You're over reacting!"
"Am I? You saw what happened to that Wraith Dart. When you brought her here we didn't know where that energy field
came from. It could have been her, hell it turned out it *was* her!"
"C'mon McKay don't be so dramatic"
"You didn't listen to me, Major. You ordered me back to the jumper like a naughty child. At first I told myself it was just
you being distracted by a pretty face. But Ford and Teyla didn't listen either. And after you brought Chaya here *Weir*
ignored me too, but then with the three of you saying she could be trusted, of *course* she ignored me. After all McKay's
your man for alien technology, but he obviously doesn't know people!"
McKay's voice had slowly gotten louder as his tirade continued.
"Well you're not exactly known for you're diplomacy, which is why I sent you to the jumper."
Okay he might have a point there, bur Rodney refused to let go of his anger.
"Fine! But you could have at least heard me out. You chose not to, *repeatedly*, even though I'm supposed to be a
member of the team!"
Rodney was almost yelling now, and Sheppard answered in kind.
"You are a member of the team!"
Rodney went still. Those words striking home, in a way they never had before. He looked at Sheppard for a moment
before saying quietly.
"No Major, this mission just drove home what I should have realized all along"
"McKay! What are you talking about?"
"I may travel *with* the team, but I'm not a *part* of it."
Rodney turned and walked back into the city, leaving a stunned Major Sheppard staring at his disappearing form.
******************
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
The mantra running through his head, McKay walked quickly through Atlantis on his way to his quarters.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Rodney entered his room, moving to the bed he sat down, with his back to the wall and his knees drawn up to his chest.
He hadn't meant to let on to the Major how hurt he had been at recent events.
It was why he had gone to that particular balcony, he hadn't wanted to be found.
At least until he had gotten his thoughts in order.
God, why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut?
Of course he knew why. Sheppard had mentioned Chaya.
He knew himself well enough to know that jealousy was at least part of the reason for his dislike of the women.
The beautiful women who turned out to be an ancient.
How do you compete with that?
And that was the problem. He couldn't.
Even if the Major was interested in men, he wouldn't want an arrogant, egotistical geek like Rodney McKay.
Rodney had accepted that.
He'd been attracted to the man almost from the beginning, though at first purely on an aesthetic level.
Then he'd gotten to know the man better, through working with him, both on Atlantis and off world.
He'd found Sheppard wasn't like most of the other flyboys he had had to work with over the years.
He was intelligent and funny, he could even hold his own against McKay, when most people didn't even bother to try.
He'd found himself completely smitten.
However the Major was military, and had never shown any signs of being attracted to anything other than the opposite
sex.
So Rodney had pushed aside his attraction.
But he'd thought they were friends, or at least getting there.
To have Sheppard dismiss him so quickly out of hand, had hurt more than Rodney could have thought possible.
The fact that Ford and Teyla had gone along with it hadn't helped either.
Weir might have thought he was over reacting at first, but in the end she had had least given him the benefit of the doubt.
Which was more than his *team* had done.
At the time he'd been angry and surprised at how little faith they had in him.
But as he'd thought about it now, looking back over his time at Atlantis and on the team he realized he shouldn't have
been.
They were warriors, he was a scientist.
They were protectors, he was a coward who had a tendency to think of himself first.
He was the outsider.
When it came to technology, they trusted him because they had to. It was his job.
It was also the sole reason he was picked for the team, he was the resident expert on ZPM's.
If they ever found one that worked and was fully charged, they'd have the power needed to gate back to Earth, or defend
Atlantis from the Wraith.
Either way he would no longer be needed to go off world.
At least not on a regular basis.
They might still ask him to check out anything that couldn't be brought back to the city.
He let his head fall to rest on his knees.
He should have stayed in his lab.
******************
Rodney heard the knocking on his door, but ignored it, hoping however it was would go away.
There was a pause before the knocking came again
"Rodney?"
The voice was muffled, but recognizable.
Rodney sighed, finally dragging himself off the bed, feeling stiff and with a slight headache, making him wonder how long
he'd sat there.
He opened the door and looked at Sheppard, the other man looked shocked.
"You've been crying!"
"What?"
The Major just stared at his face.
Frowning Rodney put a hand to his face, before pulling it back to stare at his wet fingers in surprise.
Great. Just when he thought he couldn't humiliate himself further.
"Er...I" Sheppard coughed "I thought we should talk"
Rodney realized that after his earlier performance it was only natural that Sheppard would check on him.
He also knew the other man wouldn't give up any time soon.
So he stepped back and waved him in.
The room wasn't very big and the only place to sit was the bed, so Rodney went back to the end nearest the wall and sat
down.
Leaving Sheppard to chose if he wanted to join him.
After standing awkwardly in the center of the room a moment he finally sat at the other end of the bed. At first they both
stayed silent, not looking at each other.
Sheppard finally cleared his throat and Rodney could see him glance in his direction out of his peripheral vision.
"Look you were right about me not listening to you, and I want to apologize for that."
Rodney should have been pleased. Instead he just felt tired.
"It's alright Major. I didn't make it easy for you. I shouldn't have said some of the things I did."
"I think that goes for both of us, but I shouldn't have shut you down completely. At the very least I owed it to you to hear
you out. I never meant to make you feel you weren't part of the team. Ford and Teyla were just following my lead, and if
I'm honest that's part of why I was so hard on you, because you didn't. I'm a soldier, I'm either following orders or giving
them, I'm not used to people questioning me like you do."
"I'm sorry"
"No! Rodney no. You're not military and it's unfair of me to except you to be. Besides as much as you're disagreeing with
everything I say, annoys the hell out of me, I've also come to rely on it. You keep me on my toes, you sometimes see
what I miss, it's why you're on the team."
"I'm on the team to look for and figure out alien tech, or to fix the jumper."
"Maybe at first, and it's an important job. But I've come to value your judgment, and I trust you to watch our backs. I'm
beginning to see that that's what you were doing with Chaya, trying to protect us. I let my personal feelings get in the
way."
Rodney felt his heart twist, if only his reasons were that unselfish.
"You're not the only one"
Seeing Sheppard's look of confusion, he continued.
"I let my personal feelings get in the way too. Until Beckett's scan and her turning on that console, I didn't have any real
evidence against her."
Sheppard was quiet for a moment before asking, "Can I ask why you were so against her, she seemed so sincere."
"I think that was part of the problem. Did you read any of the SGC mission reports before you came?"
"A few, but I'm not sure I understand."
"People who act too good to be true, usually are, Major.
Look I know I tend to expect the worst, but we're alone out here and with the threat of the Wraith hanging over us....I
just think we need to be more cautious."
"Yeah, I guess I see your point."
Both men fell silent again Sheppard staring at the wall, Rodney at his clasped hands where they lay on his lap.
"Rodney?"
"Yes"
"You said *part* of the reason?"
Rodney froze, oh god. He could feel himself start to panic. Don't ask. Don't ask!
"Rodney?"
He couldn't tell him the whole truth, but maybe he could give him part of it.
"I guess I didn't like the way you listened to her over me. Like my opinion wasn't important. You *trusted* her over me"
"That explains why you're mad at me, but why her?"
"I...."
"I hope you don't take this the wrong way Rodney, but it kinda sounds like you were jealous."
Rodney could feel the blood drain from his face, and he was glad he was already sitting down.
"Don....Don't be ridiculous, I....I wasn't..."
Oh god he was stuttering. He could see Sheppard looking at him, trying to read him.
"You know being the ranking military officer, isn't conductive to making friends. The other soldiers, find it hard to get past
the CO bit, even if they wanted to. Even Ford though he tries. And the scientists don't really mingle with us grunts. I
mean you hang out with me and Ford sometimes but that's because we're on the same team."
Rodney was confused with this seeming non-sequiter, before Sheppard carried on.
"I guess that's why I liked spending time with Chaya, she liked me and I liked her. It was....nice."
Rodney felt sick, he really didn't want to hear this.
Sheppard was watching him with an odd expression on his face, that he couldn't decipher. He had a horrible feeling that
what he was thinking was showing on his face.
"Rodney, *were* you jealous?" Sheppard asked quietly.
Rodney was really starting to panic now, he jumped up off the bed and started to head for the door, he had to get out of
here.
"You know I really should be getting back to the lab, lots of work to do...."
But Sheppard leapt up too and grabbed him before he could make it.
"Rodney, tell me....Please."
"Okay, fine, I was jealous. Happy now" He could hear the slight hysterical edge to his voice.
"I couldn't stand the way you looked at her, and I know you don't like men, and you wouldn't be with me even if you did, I
tried not to care, but I couldn't help it.
I hated her.
I hated her, for being everything I'm not, for being beautiful, and kind and mysterious.
I hated her for having your attention. Late night picnic's for god's sake.
While you sent me away, like I didn't matter.
Even when I was sure she was hiding something, you wouldn't listen, and it *hurt.*"
He knew he was crying now, the tears streaming down his face, but he couldn't stop them.
He was vaguely aware of being turned, of arms coming around him, and hands stroking his back.
"Oh Rodney. I'm sorry."
The soft voice and gentle tone undid him, and he buried his face into the other man's neck as wracking sobs consumed
him.
This was why he stayed in his lab, working on equations and inanimate objects.
This was why he tried so hard at keeping people at a distance.
People hurt you, even when they didn't mean to.
"I didn't know Rodney. I swear I didn't know"
Sheppard continued to hold him, even when he manged to get himself under control, the other man didn't let go.
"It's ironic, Chaya lied because she was lonely, and I guess I was doing the same thing.
I was so busy looking for someone to connect with, I missed what was right in front of me all along."
Rodney pulled back in confusion, sure he had misunderstood what Sheppard had said.
"Major?"
"I think perhaps it's time you started calling me John."
Then he moved his hands to cup Rodney's face and kissed him.
Fin.