Work Text:
Inappropriate Thoughts
by Jazz Man
He kissed me once. It wasn't lip to lip. It wasn't that kind of kiss. I don't do that kind of kiss. He doesn't either, not with people like me. I wonder if he knows that some of my inappropriate thoughts are of him. Of holding him. Of kissing him. Of doing unspeakable things with him. In that hour between darkness and dawn when I should be sleeping, but can't, I think of him. I know it's wrong. Everything I want is wrong. He's a man. He's a married man. He's not her. Everything I want is wrong. She was the only thing I ever wanted that was right. Now she's gone and everything is wrong again.
Dr Kroger tells me to move on, but how can I? Everything I want is wrong. Everything I think about is wrong. I can't help myself. I say that, but if I tried, if I really tried, maybe I could. Maybe I could think right thoughts. Thoughts about Sharona. Thoughts about any other woman on the planet, just not thoughts about him. But to think about a woman who isn't her would be even worse than thinking about a man. Any man, even him.
He touches me. I wish it meant something, but it doesn't. He doesn't think when he does it. He touches everyone. It doesn't mean anything, except that he's not crazy like me. I make him crazy. I make him mad and I want to stay away, to spare him that, but I'm not strong enough. I carry on regardless. It hurts sometimes when he shouts at me, but it would hurt more to not see him. So what if he uses me sometimes, I'm using him too.
I use him in a different way. In a wrong way. I think of him and then I want to touch myself, but that would be even more wrong. Even him touching me would be better than that.
If I was strong enough, I would leave. I won't leave. I don't know that I could. Everything I know is here. Everything I want is here. I can't have any of it. I can't have him. But I can think of him. Of holding him. Of kissing him. Of doing unspeakable things with him. It's wrong. I know it is. That doesn't stop me. Everything about me is wrong, why shouldn't I enjoy it sometimes?
Except I can't, can I?
Can I?
End