Title: Ruminations

Author: Kate R.

abelard950@aol.com

Disclaimer: not mine, never will be.

Rating: PG-13 I think, maybe PG if he swears

Pairings: none

Summary: Someone thinks about choices and what led to now.

Notes: Juts a bizarre idea, hope you find it amusing.



Ruminations
By Kate R.


1: Percy/Wesley

Masks. We all wear them. We are all made up of the different masks we are forced to put on to survive life. Only one mask I did not know was on me. Not until I wanted to change myself. A Concealment charm to hide my mother's shame. To hide me from my "Father's" people.

I always knew she was ashamed of me. Ashamed of whom I was and how I came to be. She could not look at me, as I was, that I understood when I finally saw what I really looked like. She hated me so much...or maybe she hated my Father? I don't know. I've never known but she changed me and for the first 19 years of my life, I thought I looked like everyone else in the family. Her family I should say. They are not mine no matter how much I may have wished. She bore me but I was no more her son than I was "Father's".

No one wants me, wanted me, I knew. No one but Ginny was ever kind to me. I wonder if Mother and her husband, not my dad or father or any blood relation of mine, has ever told the others why I left or if they made up a story?

Likely told everyone I sided with the minister. How funny, even I know that man is a fool. And wrong. So wrong about so many things.

No, I left because when I found out, I hated them both for lying to me. I hated them for making me feel inadequate but never telling me why. I hated them because....because they hated me first.

But I don't, not really. I don't hate them, I can't. Angel has taught me that. If I let that hate consume me I will become them. Angel. Who would ever think that I, once called perfect, would ever date a vampire? What would mother's other children think of me if they knew?

It no longer matters to me though, that life is past. All that matters to me now is the family I built for myself. Angel and Doyle, Cordelia and Faith,
Dawn and Spike and Giles and all those in Sunnydale. The Old World no longer concerns me.

Right, tell yourself another, Percy and maybe you'll actually believe it. If I didn't still care I would have changed my name to something without any tie or sound to my old last name. If I didn't still care I would not still get the daily prophet or write Ginny. If I didn't still care I wouldn't even be considering what I'm about to do.

Voldemort is going to win if I don't do something. I know his secret you see. I know I can kill him without an unforgivable. I know it's because of the same reason my mother despises me. I know because I know how I was made. I know who I am. It's the same thing that drove me to leave my "Family" before the shame of looking at without a charm I could no longer bear concealing the person I was. I wonder if He ever liked darts? Or music or anything so muggle? I know I do. Just as I know looking at the headline that Harry wont be able to do it. I know because I know only I can stop Voldemort.

Only I can stop my father.

And again I reflect on my name, then and now:

Weasley to Wesley. Percy to Pryce. Wyndham was just a game like Weatherby. I am Percival Orion Weasley, I am Wesley Wyndham-Pryce. Both are me and I am both. And as I look down at the headline and Ginny's owl, I know I will not only consider this idea, I will act on it.

I get up and go down to Angel's office and he seems to have been waiting for me. All of the Family as I call them is here. They all know who I am now. Dawn found out. So like Ginny is Dawn. I finally speak and as I look at Angel and then to Giles I hope they are willing to do more for me than my "Family" ever would. I hope.

"What is it, Wes?" Angel asks.

And he knows my real name but Wesley is who I am now. Percy died the day he was told not to come home if he wouldn't wear the concealment charm.

"I need your help," I say. And that's all that needs to be said.

They agree to come almost without hearing why and I am amazed. They truly are my family, Even Xander. I seem to have gotten it right the second time around. Good.



part 2: Bill

I sit here looking out the window of the school I was so proud to graduate from. Me, Head Boy Bill Weasley. But there was another Wesley who was head boy. And as I look out at the fires in Hogsmeade from Death Eaters attacking I can't help thinking about him. About where he is or what he's doing. My little brother, Percy. Mum doesn't know I hear her prayers for his safety every night. She doesn't know how much I know she misses him. She could never stand to look at his face; always afraid he'd be the spitting image of his father. Only I know he wasn't. The resemblance isn't that great. Yes he has dark hair and his skin has a slightly darker cast like more olive, less British but he really looks nothing like his father, inside or out. I know this because I took the charm off of him one night, me and Charlie just wanted to look at our little brother s he was. And you know, he isn't horrible. There is nothing serpentine about him. Percy is....was....the kindest person in our family. Before the twins started hating him. Before Ron started hating him.

Ginny never did though. And maybe if Charlie and I had been around more it wouldn't have come down to what I know it did.

Percy didn't leave because of the Ministry. Percy had resigned from there the day he found out the truth. He was trying to protect everyone again. Brave little brother but you didn't have to go it alone. Charlie and me would have stood by you.

I often wonder where he went. He vanished from our world so completely and totally that it's like he never existed. But we all know he did... Does. Mom never removed his hands from the clock. He's still there, still one of us no matter how much Ron wants to deny it. He IS our brother. He does matter. And I know mom wishes, the same as I do, that he was here with us. If we are all going to die, dammit I want to die as a whole family. And our family isn't. Whole that is. There's this giant Percy shaped hole in our family.

Percy used to do so much for us and now...now he isn't here to do it.

I see Ginny holding on to the doll he gave her when she turned 4. She's always treasured that doll. I see mum holding on to something else Percy gave her. I know she's kept everything. Just as I know she never hated him. He is not his father and even she knows it but she just couldn't help the anger and fear at what had been done to her. I just wish she'd done anything but take it out on the innocent.

And Percy was so innocent.

None of it was his fault

But he got the blame.

I sit here and I watch and I listen and I have a feeling that if Percy were still here he'd have done something to stop Voldemort.

You see, I disagree with Dumbledore.

I know Harry can't do it.

Because I know Percy can.

So, until he comes home I'll watch over everyone else with Charlie to help me, and somehow, we'll keep everyone together until we're a family again, a Whole family.

I'll keep looking out this window for you, little brother.

I'll wait and I'll watch...

And I'll pray.

3: Angel

I'm watching Wesley as Giles prepares the teleport spell. I know how hard it was for him to ask us for help. I know how hard it will be for him to face the people who hurt him the most. But I see in him the same strength that made him keep going even after his life was shattered by the discovery of his parentage. I know my Wes. I know everything about him. I know the name he was born with and the name he will die with if he can make peace with himself. I know a lot about my Chosen Mate. And I KNOW, deeper than my demon and deeper than my soul that he is NOT his father.

He's Percy...or Wesley, whichever you call him. He answers to both. I know for a while he thought they were two different people but Angelus and I...We convinced him otherwise. We are one person. Maybe we are two personalities, but we are one person.

I watched him as we were preparing to leave, gathering all of his weapons, magic and mundane. I see him take a box out of his desk drawer and open it and remove a long, wooden stick. And I stare as I realize what it is.

It's his wand. He's never used it since joining us because if he did, he'd said one day, his family would be able to find him. And he does not want to be found. Or didn't. Now we have no choice.

I watch him, my brave Percy, and I feel my throat grow tight at how much love there really is in his heart.

The place we are going nearly destroyed him and still he feels he has to protect it. I know I am proud of him. I now how much pain he's risking doing this and I swear if they hurt him again, his "Family", then nothing and here I repeat and emphasize NO-THING is going to stop me from introducing them to The Scourge of Europe.

They had a treasure in him and they threw him away. Well, We know how to take care of the gift that is Percy....Wesley...whoever. He says he's Wesley now; that Percy died when he was told not to come home. But I know different. I'm looking at Percy. I've always been looking at Percy. Wesley was just a name. The name of my mate is Percival Orion Weasley. He sometimes uses the appellation of Wesley Wyndham-Pryce but he's still the Percy he told me about when he confessed all of this to us. He's always been Percy; Wesley is just the name he uses to protect his family and his heart. Only now he's putting his heart back out there for everyone to see and maybe stomp on.

I look beside me at Dawn and I know that she, like me, will not let that happen. Even if she has to beat some sense into his family. Our Wesley....our Percy will not be hurt again. Not by them or anyone else who tries.

That my demon and I vow.

So, you just relax, Percy. I'm watching over you. You'll always be safe with me. Forever.

Part 4: Arthur

I watch Bill looking out the window and I wonder what he's looking at. I think I may know part of it. He's looking for the same thing we all are. He's looking for his brother. Not for the same reason Ron is and not for the same reason his mother and I are but just because Bill wants the family together. Bill is good like that. Good and kind.

I watch him and I smile at his goodness. He and Charlie, so much better than the rest of us. Of all the younger kids the only one who didn't hate Percy was Ginny. I feel shame in how Molly and I did nothing to stop their cruelty. I know they say Hindsight is 20/20 but this is beyond stupid. It was so terribly, terribly stupid and cruel what we did.

"He was a baby." I hear Molly cry that at night as she remembers her denial of Percy's hair coloring and how she decided to hide it. I know she is as sickened by what we did as I am. And as ashamed. Of all the children we had to fail it was the one who needed love the most. I am sad to say he never had that from us. Nor anything else. He gave everything for us, so Molly would have a perfect child and all we gave in return was coldness and rejection. I hate myself so much more than he could ever hate me. Even though I know his hate for us is deserved.

I stand, walking to Bill's side and I look out the window and I watch the fires rise. And all I can think of is: 'Percy, wherever you are, be well and be happy.'

And maybe one day, if we all survive this, we'll get to see him and find out he was.

Part 5: Giles

The transport went well. It took both Ethan and I to do it and I'm glad to be working with him again. Something I have to thank the young man who asked for our help for.

When Wesley first brought Ethan back to me...it shocked me how sick Ethan was. Wesley told me he needed me, needed my order to survive. I didn't understand until I realized Ethan's Chaos had no ground and that's why the jokes had gotten so out of control: I was not there to control them. I could have kicked myself when I understood. Now, I keep Ethan with me at all times.

I make sure he's well and that no one can hurt him again.

And I'm happier than I ever thought I'd be because of it.

I'm watching Wesley now, and I see him checking his weapons.

He's come here for a fight and I think, no, I KNOW that there will be at least two. Although, one is going to be more personal and he will not stand alone then either. We, his chosen Family, will stand with him in this mess. This mess his blood family made of his life. And I know that we, his Chosen Family, are not at all amused with them for what they did to him. None of the mess made was his fault and yet he seems to be the one who's had to suffer for it. He seems to be the one who...

"What the hell?" I hear myself ask. And we are all running, Ethan and I taking the lead as we know this place. We clear the low fences on the ground and get to where we see Wesley...Percy...no, he prefers Wesley now, standing over a body and pointing his shot gun at another person, a man with long white hair, and pulling a girl and a boy to his side. I don't think the man on the other end of that gun is going to forget the look on Wesley's face anytime soon as the gun does not waver as he glances down at the girl and then back up to the man and says in a voice so soft and deadly I know he's learned it from Angel: "No one touches my little sister."

6: Ron

I hate sitting here and doing nothing. I hate having to hide because I'm too young. I hate not being allowed to do anything. And I hate Bill for wanting the thing back. Yeah, me, Fred and George, we know what he and Charlie are looking for out that window. Why they want Him back I don't know.

He wasn't worth anything. And he left of course. Left because he's never going to be good enough. I bet e knew it. I bet he left in shame of how much pain his existence put our mother through. Yeah, he should have been drowned at birth. He doesn't belong in our family. He shouldn't exist.

I watch my parents and even they want It back. So does Ginny.

Why? I wonder. He wasn't a real Weasley. He's a snake. Anyone who belongs the Voldemort is going to be evil. It's a rule. Yeah, it is. And no one, not even Charlie and bill are going to convince me otherwise.

We're sitting here waiting in the silence when suddenly we hear this sound like a canon and we can't figure out what it is. We're all tense and waiting as the doors to the hall open and a group walks in followed by others. Ginny is holding onto a familiar man's arm tightly as if she's afraid and it suddenly occurs to me Ginny wasn't here a minute ago. I see Malfoy with her and I sneer. I don't like him either. Malfoy is evil. Just like his father.

"Assumptions like that really will make you look like the most ignorant of jackasses Ron," the man holding onto Ginny says to me.

And then I hear his voice and I choke. It's Him. Why is he back? What's he doing here? And I see Ginny looking up at him like he just gave her the moon and one of the people with him looks at me and curls his lip in disgust. He seems to be reading me like a book and that pisses me off. How can anyone who trusts that Thing we had to call a brother for 19 years be able to read me?

"I trust him more than I trust any of you," the man says. "I don't tend to like people who judge people based on their parentage. Smacks of stupidity. Which I can see at least three of you have. Maybe four. My name is Angel. Actually Angelus but that's not important. All you need to know is I am here to help him save your asses. He just saved the little one there and her beau. Took out some Death whatever, blew the bitch's head off. Your brother is more a hero than any of you, including the idiot over there that th inks his last name alone will let him win the day. Go sit down and shut up. We have work to do here."

And chafe under the dismissal as I'm once again being treated like a child and I watch my family hug him tightly and embrace him, welcoming him home.

"Percy," I hear them say and it makes me so sick. How can they love him? How...

And then I shut up because Tall Dark and Angry is snarling at me and I'm rather fond of living so I wont say anything about the bastard again in front of the vampire.

Part 7: Percy/Wesley

We walked back into the school after I shot Bellatrix Lestrange. It made a mess out of her head but I really didn't care. She threatened Ginny. Ginny who lunged up and grabbed me as soon as Lucius was gone. I returned her embrace as we walked back into the school. I was nervous as hell as we made our way in.

I wanted to run.

But I couldn't.

I had a job to do and I knew it. It was time to face the past and tell it to kiss my arse. I am Not my father. I am not His son. If I am anyone's son it's Arthur's. And that I know is what will allow me to win. And so, when we came upon the doors, I opened them and we walked in. I was not afraid any longer.

I see Ron's face as he sees Draco Malfoy and I know what he's thinking. I know what I have to say and so I say it.

"Assumptions like that really will make you look like the most ignorant of jackasses Ron," I say. And it takes him a minute to realize who I am. I'd laugh it wasn't so sad. I see the same old hatred on his face and I sigh. But then I see the others. Not Fred and George but Bill, Charlie, Mum and Dad. They don't hate me, I see. And for the first time they are looking at me as I truly am. I move forward slowly as I hear Angel tell Ron off. That strikes me as funny that the Scourge of Europe has better sense than a supposedly superior wizard. Damn, and Ron calls me snobby? I'd laugh if I wasn't on the verge of tears as I'm gathered into a tight hug by the members of my family who don't hug me. And I think, as I return the hugs, how lucky I am.

How many people get to have two families? And how many people can truly say they are loved by both?

I am Wesley Wyndham-Pryce...

No, not true. I know who I am and for the first time in a long time, I smile as I say it, looking at Headmaster Dumbledore who does not recognize me and asks who I am.

"I am Percival Orion 'Percy' Weasley," I say. "And I've come to fix your fuck up."

TBC in: Meetings