Title: Needs
By Cassy
Fandom: Buffy
Pairing: Xander/Spike
Rating : R
Summary: Sometimes you get what you need from an unexpected source.
Feedback: If you want to.
Disclaimer: If I were Joss, you'd be saying : "Spuffy? What the hell is Spuffy?"
A/N: Thanks to the mega-talented Velvet Crypt for making me this lovely piccie!
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Distribution: http://www.geocities.com/kiwileesa2000/jameschick
Needs
By Cassy
Needs.
We all have them, things we can't survive without. Food, water, shelter. Those are the basics, the things you can't live without.
Then there are the secondary needs. Warmth, safety, security ... That sort of thing. You can get by with out them, but thy're nice to have none the less.
Then there are other needs. Family, friends, love, commitment, fulfillment. These are things that some people never find. They wander through life as lonely, misreable, angry, hate-filled creatures. All because they are lacking the fulfillment of these needs.
Humans have needs. So do demons. Vampires need only two of the basics. Food - in the form of blood, and shelter - some where to escape the suns deadly rays. Warmth, safety and security are things that most never strive for. Family, friends, love, commitment, fulfillment? Not even heard of. A vampire has no family, he has a Sire - the one who made him - who is not much more than an owner, and minions - lesser vamps that he himself has made. Demons don't make friends - they have allies, co-conspirators, but not friends. No one loves a demon, how could they? Commitment is a rare thing, sometimes it happens, but it's never the forever kind. And as far as fulfillment goes, it doesn't. A vampire never feels fulfilled, they always need more. More blood, more violence, more sex, more pain. It's never enough.
Spike wasn't like other vampires. He had human needs, even before he went and got himself a soul. It's the primary reason he got the soul in the first place. He needed. He needed to be loved, to have friends, family, commitment. He wanted to feel secure, safe, warm. He thought that if he had a soul, that if he were closer to being human, that these things would be granted to him. That she would accept him. He was wrong.
The soul made the feelings worse, not better. He still had all those needs, but now they were a hundred times more intense. He couldn't deal with the ache, the raw emotions - the grief, the misery, the loneliness.
The thing was, the soul had other needs. It needed to be punished for his crimes. It needed to feel the pain he had inflicted, the humiliation he had handed out to others. It needed forgiveness, and didn't know how to get it.
That's what led to this.
He stands against the wall, the harness is tight across his chest, the leather of the chaps feels good against his thighs. His ass is bare to the cold air of the basement.
He waits for the first blow of the paddle. He needs this. The punishment, the pain, the humiliation. If he endures this long enough, if he suffers enough at the hands of his tormentor, then he might, finally, get the things he needs. Forgiveness, security, family, love.
If he screams loud enough, begs long enough, then his punisher will fuck him as well. He needs this too. Needs to be torn open in violence and pain. Needs to be filled and used the way he used so many others. The demon gets off on it, however. That always earns him another beating, but he needs the beating, so it's all good.
His tormenter is very good at this. Hurting him. See, Xander has needs too. He needs to hurt someone the way he hurts. To cut them down, physically, the way his friends cut him down verbally. He needs an outlet for his rage and frustration so he doesn't snap and hurt his so called friends.
Xander doesn't mean to rape him. Every time he swears it will not happen again. But it always does. It does because Spike wants him to do it, needs him to do it. Is it actually rape if the victim is willing? Spike asked him that once but recieved no answer.
When it's finished, when Spike is broken and bleeding, when Xander is panting harshly and helping him to his feet, they feel better. They have both fulfilled some of their needs, even if only temporarily. Xander cuts himself to feed Spike. He won't make it home otherwise, and Xander is too tired to carry him.
The only thing wrong with this whole situation, is Spike finds that his needs are changing. When he closes his eyes to sleep, he no longer sees blonde hair and a sunny smile, he no longer yearns for a tiny frame with super-human strength to enfold him in her arms. When he closes his eyes these days, he sees dark eyes shining with pain and misery, a large warm body that holds him close and feeds him his own lifes blood. He hears a soft voice apologising for hurting him, telling him he won't do it again. He knows he will, he needs it.
Xander gives him what he needs. The pain, the humiliation, the punishment. But he also gives him shelter, food, a sense of security and friendship. It's an odd mix, both the good and the bad. But as long as Spike has Xander, he has more than he ever has before. He has someone to fulfill his needs. At least some of them. For now, that's enough.
END PART 1