"The Tit Commandments"
by Layla
laylapuddykins@yahoo.com

Fandom: BEASTMASTER
Pairing: Dar/Tao
Rating: FRM (for frequent, non-graphic sexual descriptions, including male-male sex and orgiastic activities with all three possible pairings between the two biological sexes strongly implied; brief, mild reference to beastiality/zoophilia; mild BD/SM briefly implied; some mild kink implied; strong language: "TIT" emphatically stated multiple times, with a few other swear words thrown in for fun)
Categories/Warnings: Slash; Established Relationship; Religious Satire (of Holy Bible, Old Testament); Humor
Spoilers for: None
Disclaimer: I don't own either of these lovely characters and will not be making any money off this little fic. Hail to Tribune and Alliance/Atlantis! No editing by another (i.e., a beta-- for the vast majority who use that term in Net lingo) was done, so all grammatical and spelling errors (which there may indeed be, owing to the fact that I was really winging it here with using so much archaic, formal English) are purely mine. No offending anyone by satirizing some especially well-known passages within a section of the Holy Bible was at all meant by me here. If you think this story will offend your religious sensibilities in any way, then this is a good place to stop and read no further.
Author's Note: I trace the inspiration for this quirky fic to a number of sources. Of course, the beautiful characters of Dar and Tao, with the former of the two men's especially adorable and ample nipples, are the overarching inspirations to this piece. A close second, though, comes from my recently viewing the virile, pulchritudinous, frequently bare-chested image of Yul Brynner in-- *you* guessed it-- the film THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (1956), fast followed up by a re-watching of him in THE KING AND I (also 1956). (Praise be to the DVD!) *Sigh* Throw in my watching a lot of MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS eppies of late, and out came this story from my subconscious. However, the catalyst for it all rose forth from my dear friend Shimmer, who casually blurted out the title for this piece during a fun conversation (out of countless fun ones over the years) with her the other day. Thank you, Shimmer...
I welcome this story being archived anywhere in which adult-themed writing such as this is deemed appropriate. I also welcome constructive, positive feedback. No flames, please. Thank you.

Synopsis: What would it be like if our two heroes Dar and Tao found themselves-- while deeply appreciating each other in a carnal way-- in a long moment of epiphany, during which time Dar channeled the same clarity and conviction as the Biblical prophet Moses had with the Ten Commandments, yet with the Beastmaster's entire focus honing in on a pair of erogenous body parts instead? Hmmm...



THE TIT COMMANDMENTS
As Set Down By the Venerable Eiron Healer and Scribe Tao, Beloved of the Beastmaster Dar, Last of the Sulas, Also Known As the BitchTitMaster (For Reasons Revealed Upon Beholding His Beauteous, Bare Form)

And the BitchTITMaster Dar, having just finished much suckling upon the TITS of the Venerable Healer and Scribe Tao, gazed upon his beloved and spake all these words, saying:

I. *These* *are* thy TITS, thine one and only pair of TITS, which have brought thee into the land of bodily pleasure, out of the house of useless mental and emotional bondage. Thou shalt have other TITS before thee, to give them pleasure; and so, in turn, they shall give pleasure to thee!

II. Thou shalt make unto thee any graven image of TITS, including any likeness of them found in nature, such as shapely clouds in Heaven above, or curvacious mountains in the Earth beneath, or the smooth slopes in the water under the Earth:
Thou shalt bow thyself down to any manner of TITS one finds pleasing to thine eye, thy tongue, thy nose, or thy touch.

III. Thou shalt not look upon thine own TITS in scorn, giving into over-zealous vanity; for thou shalt be grateful for, and celebratory over, whatever pair of TITS thou hast!

IV. Remember a sabbath day for TITS, to keep them happy and holy.
Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
But the seventh day *is* the sabbath of the sacred TITS: *in* *it* thou shalt not do any work, but only joyfully play with thine and/or (an)other's(s') TITS; thy life partner, thy kindred, thy friends, thy servants, thy consenting kinky love slaves, thy cattle, and thy stranger that *is* within thy gates shall only play with their own or each other's TITS.
But, lo, blood relatives shall *not* play with each other's TITS, for this surely leadeth to other very naughty doings forbidden between kin.
It is presumed that people playing with cattle TITS are milking them, which *is* work, unless said people are putting their mouths upon cattle TITS to joyfully suckle them (which surely must feel like *work* too!), if that so happens to be said people's kind of thing to do for TIT *play*.
TITS like *not* to remain ignored, so they blessed a sabbath day (if thou didst *let* them, and thou *must*, by paying heed to their restless tips hardening up, their inner itchings, and/or their jigglings) and hallowed it.

V. Honour thy *left* TIT and thy *right* TIT: that thy days of TIT play may be many and feel
even-sided upon thy breast whilst thou livest upon the land, land of which multitudes of sacred TITS hang down, stick up, protrude outward, or lie flat upon each person's breast; and so many TITS are gladly presented for thee to enjoy, and thou shalt playfully present thine own TITS to others for their enjoyment.

VI. Thou shalt not kill, for many obvious reasons, one of them especially being that less TITS remain to enjoy themselves and give joy to others, including to others' TITS.

VII. Thou shalt play with any other consenting adult's TITS, so long as this doth not involve adultery; though it be not adultery when each partner wisheth for, and mutually partaketh in,
three-ways, group scenes, or pre-arranged/pre-approved couplings apart from one another; the more TITS the merrier!

VIII. Thou shalt not steal, for filching another's TITS is a painful, bloody act, unless thou art taking away another's falsies, in which case thou *must* promptly return them to their rightful owner. (Thou goest and get thine own!)

IX. Thou shalt wear falsies up against thy neighbor, if that be the wish of both thee and thy neighbor.

X. Thou shalt not waste precious time and thought coveting thy neighbor's TITS, nor coveting thy neighbor's life partner's TITS, nor any of thy neighbor's servants' TITS, nor any of thy neighbor's consenting kinky love slave's TITS, nor the TITS of any of thy neighbor's cats, dogs, or those on thy neighbor's beast of burden, such as an ox or an ass, nor any TITS of all other people residing with thy neighbor.
Enjoy thy very own *ass*, and its accompanying hole, for it goeth with thee *everywhere*; thou shalt do so whilst also enjoying thine own TITS and others' TITS!

So thus spake the BitchTITMaster Dar, who then returned his oral attentions upon Tao's TITS.
And the Venerable Healer and Scribe Tao set down his eagle feather pen and papyrus scroll to moan in ecstasy upwards to Heaven.
Tao grasped Dar's perky, ample TITS and pinched them, first softly, but then firmer and firmer.
And there was much shaking and moaning from both men.

All the people nearby, and from far and wide, gathered 'round to *witness* the tumults of pleasure between the two beauteous lovers.
And these people brake off the golden earrings which *were* in their ears, and brought *them* unto a smith amongst the crowd.
And he received *them* at their hand, and fashioned it with a graving tool, after he had made it a hollow molten calf with mighty TITS along its lower belly: and they said, This *be* in honour of the sabbath day of the sacred TITS, which bring thee into the land of bodily pleasure, out of the house of useless mental and emotional bondage.
And, lo, when all beheld its beauty shining brightly in the sunlight, people did heap garlands of flowers along with wreaths of laurel, poplar, and other sacred tree leaves, upon and beneath the mighty idol; and they did touch its TITS to kindle their fast-growing, hot passion.
And they poured inside this hollow calf many jugs of mead, which gushed forth out of its porous TITS; then people did drink heartily.
And they did offer up a repast of several fruits, nuts, berries, and other foods to the divine calf with the titanic TITS, so that all ate and were merry.
And all sang with joy in their breasts; so they did rise up to playfully dance whilst removing all their garments, glorying in their own and each other's naked TITS on this appointed sabbath day.
And a fair maiden and a fine young buck of a man both jumped upon the calf, each *vying* to be the one bound between its front legs by strong ropes, so that others could mercilessly pinch, fondle, caress, lick, and suckle the maiden's or young man's nubile, tasty TITS.

All this merriment and frenzy of pleasurings did provoke much thundering and lightning from above, and a belching forth of thin, friendly fire from atop the nearby mountain, itself a giant TIT in the Earth.
For Heaven and Earth were pleased and They did join in the joviality and revelry.

So the lanky yet luscious Tao and the long and lithe Dar rolled happily into the river stretching out before *them*, where they splashed playfully about; they did continue with *much* TIT play, each man naked like a babe on his life's very first day, panting, moaning, and groaning away...


FIN/END