Title: Sorrow And Bliss

by Morgana

Fandom Babylon 5

Pairing: This is a Stephen/Marcus story

Rating: NC 17

Summary: After Ivanova's death Marcus has to come to terms with losing his brother and the woman he loved.

DISCLAIMER; THESE CHARACTERS AND BABYLON 5 ARE ALL PROPERTY OF JMS, NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS INTENDED

The alien-healing device worked. With each pulse, Marcus grew more fatigued. The machine literally drained him of his entire energy to restore life to the battered form of Susan Ivanova. He was ready to let go and leave the world that had only given him pain as he slipped into a soothing unconsciousness.

"What the hell?" Upset and worried, Stephen Franklin ran into the med lab. He had pushed the crew to their limits on the White Star, afraid that he would be too late to save his friend's life. As he entered the med lab, he halted in his tracks, shocked to see the struck down guards.

Marcus’ head rested on Ivanova's chest. His eyes had closed and the ranger merely appeared asleep, but Stephen knew better. The alien healing device still produced a strange humming sound and shaking off his terror he ran to the bed in seconds. Quickly he disconnected the ranger from the device and searched Marcus’ pulse. The ranger was unconscious and Franklin pulled the limp body back into the chair. One look at Susan's readings told him that she had died, probably during the energy transfer. "Damn fool," he snarled upset. "You're so eager to die! But I have news for you! I won't allow you to give in that easily."

Checking Marcus' pulse, Stephen called on the members of his med team to help him. One of the younger doctors pulled up a sheet to cover Susan's face and Stephen told himself that he couldn't help the dead. He would mourn Susan's death later. Now Marcus needed him. Beckoning an assistant, he gently placed Marcus' drained body on a gurney and made sure his friend was treated with respect. He would oversee this recovery personally and he promised himself that Marcus would make a complete recovery.

They quickly wheeled the ranger into an exam room and Stephen cursed at the time it took them to hook Marcus up to all medical devices. Stephen scolded his friend and softly whispered words Marcus couldn't hear. "Of all the stupid things you ever did, Marcus, this is the worst. Susan is a soldier. Death comes with the territory. She knew that and accepted it!" Studying his patient, Stephen realized that there had to be another reason for Marcus to take such drastic measures. Why hadn’t Marcus asked others to contribute to the energy transfer? Why give his entire life force?

While he worked on stabilizing his patient, he was somewhat surprised at the amount of concern he felt for his friend. Yes, they had shared some scary moments, but he had never expected to feel this outraged by the fact that Marcus had tried to kill himself. Why? Why do you want to die this badly? I should have paid more attention to the signals you were giving! Like arriving here with minimum life support on, facing Neroon. You screamed, "Take me!" when the Vindrizi came to get me out of that prison… I heard your cry… and now this. I’ve been so stupid! I’m a doctor! I should have known what you were up to… Looking at the latests readings, Stephen sighed relieved. Marcus was stable now, but had to be monitored closely.

Exhausted, Marcus opened his heavy eyelids and didn't understand why he was still alive. Hands soothingly stroked his brow and he desperately tried to focus his eyes. The big blurry image solidified and he finally recognized Stephen’s face, which hovered above him. The concerned look on Stephen’s face took him aback. Tears formed in his eyes as he realized what must have happened. I failed to rescue her! His head lolled from one side to the other as he fought the hurt inside his soul. He had once told Delenn that part of his heart had gone dead when he had lost William and Hasina, but he had forgotten about the other half and the pain it still contained. The pain overwhelmed him.

Giving his life for Susan had been the perfect opportunity to finally severe that last straw that still connected him to the living. She would have gotten a second chance. Something Susan deserved. Barely able to move his fingers, Marcus managed to grasp Stephen's hand. "Why? I wanted to save her," he whispered in a strangled tone, barely audible.

"But I want you to live, Marcus, and so do the rest of your friends." Hearing the desperation in Marcus' words made him tremble with apprehension. He hadn't known that he cared this much for his friend. The thought of actually losing Marcus made him ache. I need to explore this sensation… Why am I this upset? "You need to rest now, Marcus. The alien device drained you..." He faltered, but had to tell his friend the truth. "Susan was too far gone. She must have died while you were hooked up to the machine." Tears flowed from Marcus' eyes and Stephen wished he could ease his friend's agony. His hands possessed a will of their own as they stroked back the damp dark locks, which had fallen into Marcus’ face. The lost expression in those green eyes angered him. The reflected guilt was apparent, something Marcus couldn’t hide in his present condition.

"Now what, Stephen? How can I go on...? Why... live?"

The words tore at Stephen's soul. They revealed Marcus' pain. All he could do was adjust the IV Marcus was hooked up to, feeding him a stronger sedative to calm him down. "We'll talk later, Marcus. Sleep now and let me do the worrying," he said tenderly, wondering what it would take to make Marcus confront the real ache in his soul. I will find out!

It was the strangest thing, Stephen soothingly stroking his hair, but he needed a friend so badly that he accepted his friend's touch. A pleasant warmth spread throughout his body and Marcus relaxed against his will. The medication had lured him into sleep without him realizing it. He surrendered to the warmth and dozed off, no longer possessing the strength to fight the calming darkness.

Collapsing from fatigue Stephen dropped onto the chair next to the bed. Marcus' breathing was regular now that he was asleep. Stephen told himself to stop stroking the soft hair and reluctantly leaned back.

Only now did he fully realize that Susan was truly dead. She had been a good friend over the years. He knew Marcus had a crush on her and had often wondered why the ranger had never told her. He wondered about a lot of things… Like the feelings, which coursed now through him… Now that he was sure Marcus was over the hill and would live. As he stared at the man on the exam bed, Stephen wondered if these feelings for Marcus were way past friendship or compassion. Did he dare to label them? No.

Shoving those thoughts to the back of his mind, Franklin sighed. He had been fighting his feelings since they had returned from Mars. The strangest thing had happened on that trip. He had been attracted to Number One and had even spent the night with her. Yet, he had also felt a beginning attraction toward Marcus. He shook off that memory and wondered where to go from here. Marcus needed a lot of care and for a longer period of time. The way Stephen saw it, Marcus had been trying to commit suicide. He wondered what had been more important to the ranger: saving Susan or laying down his life. He dreaded the answer. Getting to his feet, he checked the IV one more time. Marcus would be asleep for quite some time.

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Franklin tried to forget the pained look in Delenn and John's eyes when he had told them what had happened. He had seen the stunned look on their faces when they heard that Marcus had been trying to save Susan by giving his own life for hers. Stephen knew that Susan wouldn't have wanted the ranger to die for her. A soldier was prepared to face death and that was what Susan had been, a soldier and a fighter. Delenn told him that she would try to return to Babylon 5 as quickly as possible, but couldn't say when. Sheridan needed her. This was a fragile moment in time now that a new President had to be chosen. That left only him to take care of Marcus. That thought scared and excited him at the same time. These feelings inside him were getting stronger. No matter how hard he tried to suppress it; he was attracted to Marcus Cole. He left the office to check on Marcus. After twelve hours of sleep, the ranger was bound to wake up any moment now and he didn't really know what to do when facing his friend.

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Marcus opened his eyes and the bright lights blinded him. He slammed his eyelids shut immediately. Memories returned to him; he had failed her. He was still alive; he shouldn't be alive, he should have died. His eyes watered and he fought back the tears. He refused to sob like a baby. The pain was choking him and he tried to silence the voice that was crying out, demanding to be held. He thought his heart had died a long time ago, but he had been wrong. All the pain he had ever felt was clawing a way back into him.

William had died in his arms because he had refused to listen to his warning. Hasina had also been killed during that Shadow attack in which he had lost everything dear to him and now he had lost Susan as well. It was punishment; the Universe had decided that he didn't deserve any redemption or compassion. He sobbed then, unable to hold back the pain any longer. Curling himself into a ball, he wrapped his arms around his shaking body and felt lost and lonely; wishing he were dead. He didn't notice Franklin's arrival, who stood watching his patient for long moments until he made his presence known.

"Marcus, can we talk?"

The ranger shivered as Stephen's voice cut through the room. Marcus wished the floor would open and swallow him. "Stephen..." Lost for words, Marcus finally faced him and saw the shaken expression in those dark eyes. He felt guilty for startling his friend and for the first time Marcus realized that there were people on this station who truly cared for him. It made him feel like he had let Stephen down by trying to take his life. It had never occurred to him that he would cause other people pain and grief by leaving life this way. Marcus watched him sit down near the bed. The ranger was surprised that Stephen hadn't put him in restraints, but realized that he barely had the strength to get up. He couldn't walk out of the med lab anyway. The machine had literally drained him and he wondered if he would ever get his strength back.

"What did you think you were doing, hooking yourself up to that machine? Susan accepted the fact she was going to die. What the hell possessed you to play God?" Stephen was mad, but managed to calm down. The last thing Marcus needed was more guilt to add to the one that was already killing him inside. Watching his friend, Stephen saw the loneliness and abandonment in those watered eyes.

"She needed a second chance so badly."

The words infuriated Stephen. Susan had made her choices and lived with them. He couldn't refrain from showing the hurt in his eyes as he confronted Marcus. "I know a person who needs that second chance even more than Susan did. You!"

Marcus closed his eyes and tried hard not to weep in front of his friend. His heart was telling him that Franklin was right, but he couldn't accept that truth yet. That same heart was now beating with more strength and intensity than it ever had and it frightened him. "No, no." Trying to deny the truth, Marcus turned to lie on his other side, facing away from Stephen who was determined to win this battle.

"Marcus, you know it's the truth. You need a second chance. There are so many things hiding in the shadows of your pain and guilt, kindness, love... You can make a difference to people."

"I don't deserve that chance."

"You do, Marcus. I think your brother William would want you to try once more." Franklin realized that it would take a long time before Marcus would be able to admit his needs to himself. Marcus didn't even react as he heard William's name. "What are you going to do when I release you from the med lab? Where will you go?"

"I don't know... I don't care."

Stephen nodded, that was what he had thought. Cut loose from his former life Marcus didn't know what to do. "I’m thinking of taking some time off now that we've defeated Clark. The only way I'm letting you out of here is if you agree to stay at my place for some days… Until you know what you want out of life." Marcus turned to face Franklin once more. The stunned expression in the ranger's eyes made Stephen smile. Marcus had no idea how much people cared for him. You have no idea how much it hurts to see you lost like this, Marcus.

"Stay with you? Do I have to remember you how mad you were at me after we spent those two weeks on our transport to Mars? You were ready to strangle me."

"That's true, but then you never stopped playing that childish 'I spy' game and you constantly opened and closed that pike of yours. That was what really ticked me off." Franklin felt relieved, seeing the hesitant smile on Marcus' face as they both remembered that trip.

"Stephen, are you sure of your offer? I don't want to be a burden to you. I still have my own quarters."

"Oh no, Marcus. I want you in sight. You are too emotional to be alone. I know you, remember?"

Wanting to protest, Marcus tried to sit up, but felt so tired that he fell back onto the bed.

"Marcus, stay in bed and rest. Promise me you won't sneak off while my back is turned."

His friend's voice was serious and Marcus knew Stephen would spot a lie. So he surrendered to the fact that Franklin was going to take care of him and nodded. Even that tiny movement tired him. "I won't sneak off, I promise."

"Good."

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Still shaky from his earlier confrontation with Stephen, he replayed their conversation in his mind. So Stephen felt that he deserved a second chance... Franklin was so wrong; he didn't deserve to live while Susan, William and Hasina were dead. Surrounded by the memories of the dead, Marcus felt no longer alive. Every single person he had ever cared for had deserted him. What about Stephen? He cares for you... even offered to help you heal. He's still alive. The thought offered him no comfort. Stephen would die like the rest of his friends and leave him; they always did. Staring at the ceiling Marcus felt exhausted. If only that stupid machine had worked, then he wouldn't have found himself in this mess. Hours passed slowly while he stared at the walls, until he felt like climbing them to get out of his room.

"Ready to go, Marcus? I got my leave and am off duty for at least one week."

Startled, Marcus watched Stephen enter; the doctor was pushing a wheelchair. "I can walk."

"You can't, Marcus. There’s no shame in accepting help." Stephen unhooked him from the IV's and helped him sitting up. Had it not been for his support Marcus would have dropped back onto the bed, but strong arms held him upright. Franklin helped him into the wheelchair and covered the ranger's trembling body with a soft blanket.

Suddenly shivering, Marcus realized that they were going to encounter people on their way to Stephen's quarters.

Franklin saw how shivers racked Marcus' body and sensed the ranger's discomfort. "Let's get out of here." Pushing the wheelchair, Stephen tried not to think of the dead body of Susan Ivanova in the next room. The doctor was glad that someone else was going to perform the autopsy. Leaving the med lab behind, they entered the transport tube.

Marcus stared at the floor the entire time, hoping they would encounter no one. But as they entered the transport tube Marcus heard the voice of Zack Allen. The Chief of security greeted them warmly, but Marcus heard the strange tone to the man's voice. Looking up at Zack, Marcus realized that the soldier knew off his attempt to save Susan's life. Had Stephen told security… or was he just imagining things?

"I heard you took some days off, Stephen? Wished I could do the same thing. Marcus, you look bad..."

Marcus didn't really know how to react or what to say to that. Zack Allen sounded worried. "I'll be back on my feet in no time." He missed the look the two men exchanged.

"Susan will be missed...." Zack regretted his words the instant he spoke them. The ranger didn't react verbally, but wrung his hands. Looking at Stephen, Zack quickly said goodbye and exited the tube as his level came up.

Now that they were alone again, Marcus allowed a tear to break through. Stephen realized that he had to get Marcus to his quarters as quickly as possible.

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Marcus fell asleep after Franklin had helped him lie down on the bed. Franklin was going to set up the spare bed later and pulled up the comforter to cover Marcus' body. The ranger had never looked more vulnerable to him and he allowed his hands to finger the silky locks.

Marcus stirred under his touch, but exhaustion kept him asleep. Franklin knew he shouldn't do this, but he brushed the ranger's brow with his lips and felt electrified, as he tasted the salt on the soft skin. Hurriedly walking away from his friend, Stephen made some caff and settled down on the couch, pondering his feelings for Marcus. He felt torn between revealing them and facing Marcus' reaction or hiding them for the rest of his life.

Telling Marcus now didn't feel right to him. Marcus was very emotional and it would feel like taking advantage of his friend. Struggling to reach a decision, Stephen was distracted, hearing a heartbreaking moan coming from the bedroom. He got to his feet to check on his friend.

Waking up in strange surroundings, Marcus managed to sit up and look around. An AoL uniform was draped over a chair. He remembered that Stephen had taken him to his quarters to recover. Rubbing his eyes, he wondered where to go from here. His whole life had been turned upside down these last days and he felt lost. Hearing footsteps, Marcus turned and saw Stephen enter the bedroom. Only then did he realize that he had been sleeping in Franklin's bed. "I'll take the couch from now on." Marcus choked out the words; his throat clenched shut.

"That's not necessary, Marcus. You take the bed. You need to rest more than I do." Stephen sat down on the edge of the bed. Marcus' hair was tousled and the sleepy eyes stared empty back at him. Stephen wanted to reach out so badly, but refrained from doing so; touching Marcus would only make it harder on him to suppress the feelings he had for his friend. "Anything I can do for you?" The voice that answered him sounded cracked and Stephen didn't wait for Marcus' answer. He walked into the kitchen and filled a glass with orange juice. As he returned, Marcus was trying to get out of bed. "Stay put, Marcus."

Hearing those words, Marcus reluctantly climbed back into bed.

"Drink this." The ranger accepted the drink and Stephen watched Marcus empty it in one go. "How do you feel, Marcus? And I only want to hear the truth, no lies or half-truths."

Marcus considered the question put to him. "I don't know... Empty, scared... lost." The admission had left his lips before Marcus realized it. Pulling the comforter over his body, he looked away from Stephen, trying to hide his embarrassment.

"Tell me what scares you most." Stephen was determined to make his friend open up to him. Marcus tended to keep it all inside.

"Being alone."

Stephen frowned, hearing that answer. Being alone? "You aren't alone, Marcus. I'm here."

"I know, but..."

Questioning his friend further, Stephen dug deeper. "But what?"

"Why can't I find someone who loves me? Everyone I know had a lover at one time. Even you… When we were on Mars..."

Stephen began to understand. "You don't want to grow old alone."

"Yes... but I know I probably will. No one can love me. Why should they? I killed my brother and..."

"Marcus, stop it. You’re feeling sorry for yourself and to some extent I symphasize with you. Yes, you lost your brother, but you did not kill him. What does it take to make you understand?"

Marcus closed his eyes. He wanted someone to tell him that it wasn't his fault, but to actually hear the words... His world was falling apart and it scared him. "That's easy for you to say... Your brother didn't die in your arms because you didn't listen."

"He died in your arms?" Stephen observed his friend closely and wondered if Marcus had ever allowed the hurt into his heart. He was doing it now though and Franklin knew it was hard for Marcus to confront his grief.

"Yes, we crashed and...." Tears blurred his vision and Marcus tried to choke them back. But now that the pain had been released the hurt refused to be bottled up inside again and demanded to be heard. I wish someone would hold me… to be held after all this time...

Seeing Marcus in pain like this urged Stephen to comfort him. Reaching out tentatively, he pulled Marcus closer to him and enveloped him in his arms. "Let it go, Marcus. You don't have to keep it all inside."

Stephen's words sounded like soothing balm to Marcus' pain-racked soul. The sensation of being held made him relax, and as the memories floated through him, he held onto to his friend. It felt so good to be held... to be comforted.

"Did you ever mourn the dead?"

The question caught Marcus off-guard and he tried to free himself from Stephen's arms. Franklin wouldn't allow it and tightened the embrace. Feeling his strength leave him, he had no other choice but to surrender to the embrace. "I don't know... how can I mourn them? There is no grave I can go to and Susan..." He faltered as he remembered that the Commander had died.

"There will be a memorial service for Susan. We can go if you want to." Stephen felt his shirt getting wet from Marcus' tears and loosened the grip he had on the ranger to look into the swimming eyes. "Did you ever cry for them before now?"

"No."

"Holding on to anger is easy, but that anger grows and will consume your soul in the end. It takes more courage to face the fact that they are gone. The ones left behind suffer most. I can show you how to deal with the pain if you let me." He had made his offer, now Stephen had to wait for Marcus' answer. He hoped the ranger would accept his help. Afraid that Marcus was going to decline he stared into the green eyes. "I want to help you, Marcus. Please let me."

"The anger is all I have left, Stephen... It keeps me alive."

Stroking back some hair that had fallen into Marcus' face, Stephen waited for his friend's decision. Suddenly realizing that he was caressing Marcus' face, he stopped. Marcus was too wrapped up in his emotions to notice the tenderness to Stephen's touch.

Realizing Stephen was waiting, Marcus swallowed hard; a lump had formed in his throat. "Help me?"

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Stephen had slipped his friend some sleeping medication when he had refilled the glass at Marcus' request. The ranger had drifted off and Franklin watched him sleep. Marcus had wrapped his arms around his waist and Stephen realized that the first emotional storm had drained Marcus of the little energy he had left. Walking into the living area, he accessed Marcus Cole's personnel file in search of more information about the ranger, but there was little known about the life Marcus had led before joining the Anla'Shok.

Sighing, he closed the file and returned to the bedroom. Seeing Marcus asleep like this, made him realize that he wanted to be close to him; feel his body against his. Not sure what to do, he spooned himself against Marcus' cold body and warmed the cold skin with his own body heat. The fact that Marcus was drugged and deeply asleep was the only reason he felt comfortable enough to lie down. Marcus wasn't going to wake for hours and Stephen pulled him closer, rubbing the ice-cold skin beneath his fingers. Mumbling in his sleep, Marcus pressed his body against Stephen's. Even in his sleep reaching out for some human warmth.

Tucking Marcus in, Stephen gently kissed the back of his neck. Long lost memories returned to him. During his Earthforce training days, he had fallen in love with his roommate, a tall Asian male with a great sense of humour. Both had felt the attraction, but had been hesitant to express those feelings. Until one night after an exhausting training. They had shared their feelings and it had been the first time that Stephen had experienced making love to another man. It had been better than he expected and he regretted the day they had been assigned to different postings.

Taking in Marcus' scent, Stephen's hands tangled in the dark hair. If I tell you how I feel, how will you react? Will you loathe me? Stephen loved feeling Marcus' body moulded against his and wished there was a way to stop time. He didn't want this to end.

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Hours later Stephen rose from the bed to prepare dinner. Marcus had been sleeping in his arms and Franklin knew that he couldn't hide his feelings much longer. He made pancakes and added some fruit. Placing the food on a tray, he walked back into his bedroom. He didn't expect to find Marcus awake, staring at him with wild eyes. "What's wrong?" Feeling protective of the ranger, Stephen sat down waiting for an answer.

"Did I really tell you how I felt?"

"Yes, you confided in me, Marcus." Placing the tray on Marcus' lap, he handed his friend knife and fork. "Try to eat something."

"I can't believe I told you." Marcus was confused. He remembered breaking down in front of Stephen and felt like a fool for doing so. A moment later he remembered how Franklin had held him and how safe he had felt in that embrace.

"You told me because you needed to get it out of your system, Marcus. You should stop punishing yourself for imaginary crimes."

"I’m not punishing myself." Marcus whispered the words in a desperate tone. Stephen had seen through his mask and had broken through all his walls. He felt exposed and didn't know how to deal with that feeling.

"You told me you don't deserve to be loved. That sounds like punishing yourself to me."

Staring at the pancakes in front of him, Marcus felt paralysed. He couldn't even lift his fork. The force of the emotions raging inside him made him tremble. "I..." He couldn't find the right words. His heart had been ripped open until it bled and now he had to find a way to stop the bleeding. But how?

"Do you remember telling me that you wanted me to help you?"

"Yes...."

Stephen had to listen closely to hear that answer. "After you ate dinner, I want to take you to the chapel."

Marcus' eyes grew big. "Why?"

"The chapel is a good place to say goodbye to the ones you lost, Marcus."

The ranger wished he had never asked Stephen to help him, but a part of him was relieved he had. Never before had he admitted to himself that he needed help to deal with his pain.

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"I don't want to be wheeled into the chapel. If you help me, I can walk."

Stephen decided it wise to give in. He knew Marcus hated the wheel chair. Helping his friend to his feet, he wrapped one arm around the ranger's waist and was taken aback as he realized how thin Marcus was. They made their way to the chapel in a slow pace. As they entered the chapel, they found Brother Theo waiting for them.

"Doctor Franklin?"

"This is Marcus Cole, a good friend of mine.... Is there anyone in the chapel at the moment?"

"No, it's rather late; the chapel is empty."

Franklin had told the monk about his reason for bringing his patient here and while they stepped into the chapel, he felt Marcus' body tense. Candles were everywhere and the glass windows were painted in bright colours. Franklin helped Marcus to walk to the altar and then sat him down in one of the chairs. Studying the green eyes, Franklin realized that Marcus was staring at the flickering candles. The thundering silence made him aware of the fact that they were the only ones present. Stephen knew that he had to give Marcus the time he needed and saw tears fall from his face.

"I... never told William how much I loved him. I wished I had listened to him, but you're right, Stephen. The Shadows killed him and Hasina... I never got the chance to find out whether I loved her or not. She was so young when she died... like Susan... I can't do this, Stephen. I can't... It hurts," Marcus' voice faltered.

"That's why you have to do it, Marcus... To offer the pain a way out. You have to let go of the hurt." Reaching out, he closed his fingers over Marcus' cold hand. Offering silent support, he waited for the ranger to continue. The direction of Marcus' gaze shifted and Franklin froze as his friend stared into his eyes. Stephen answered that look and didn't pull back.

"I never told Susan I loved her... I knew she couldn't love me back, so I kept it a secret... Knowing that she wouldn't love me made me feel... like I was paying for my mistakes. I wanted to punish myself... You were right about that. I suffered in silence, trying to find a way out... Then Neroon appeared and offered me a chance to die while defending Delenn, but Lennier carried me to the med lab and my injuries healed. I was disappointed to find that I was still alive."

Tears were making their way down his friend's face and Stephen felt touched by the sincerity of Marcus' admission. He knew how hard this was on his friend, but in order to move on Marcus had to let go. "You were trying to commit suicide when you hooked yourself up to that alien device. This urge within you to punish yourself, is it still there, Marcus?"

His eyes blinked and Marcus used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe away his tears. His voice wavered when he answered Franklin. "No."

"What made it go away?"

That was the hardest question Marcus ever had been asked and he searched his soul to find an answer. The silence between them made Marcus focus on his friend and as he looked at Stephen, he gasped as he read the emotions in his friend's eyes. "Because you made me forgive myself for being alive." No longer able to control the raging feelings inside him, Marcus rested his head against Franklin's shoulder and welcomed the other man's embrace. "You made the hurt go away... and I feel safe in your embrace."

"And I like holding you, Marcus." An awkward moment passed as Stephen realized what he had confessed. The ranger didn't react to his statement and Franklin wondered if Marcus had heard it at all. They stayed like that for a long time until Stephen noticed that Marcus had fallen asleep in his arms. One of the monks helped him getting Marcus back to his quarters. Stephen ignored the puzzled looks they got from people who saw them. Placing Marcus on the bed he made sure the ranger was warm. He felt tired himself, but decided to take a quick shower before turning in. He undressed and stepped into the shower. The water refreshed him and enabled him to focus his thoughts. The man lying in his bed aroused him and Stephen had no idea how to tell Marcus about his feelings. From what the ranger had told him, he had concluded that Susan had been Marcus' first true love. He had the suspicion that Marcus was a virgin; and wondered if Marcus was only interested in women or in men as well.

He took some time to clean up and wrapped a towel around his waist. Stepping out of the bathroom, he was surprised to find Marcus awake, staring at him.

Averting his gaze, Marcus remembered the expression he had seen in Stephen's eyes earlier. He had seen that look before... Corwin had looked at Susan like that; Zack's eyes resembled that expression when Lyta passed by. Marcus shivered as he wondered if Stephen knew that expression was there. Feeling shy, he tried to hide his stare, but he couldn't help looking at that powerful chest presented to him. Droplets of water ran down the dark skin and Marcus trembled as he found himself wondering how it would feel to run his fingers over that skin. But he was surely imagining things, being emotional as he was. Stephen was quite popular with the ladies... Yes, that was it; he was imagining things again. Repeating that sentence over and over again like a mantra, Marcus closed his eyes.

Puzzled by Marcus' reaction to him, Stephen walked over to the bed. The ranger was trembling and his eyes were tightly shut. His lips were moving, but no sound emerged from them. "Marcus? Are you all right?"

"Just imagining things..."

"Imagining what?" Stephen kept his distance, having no idea what Marcus was talking about.

"You know I'm a bloody virgin?" The confession was made more easily than he assumed it would be. Marcus opened his eyes and lost himself in Stephen’s dark ones. He saw the fire burning there and wished Stephen would be burning with desire for him. Berating himself, Marcus stared at his hands. Stephen knew about the self-loathing inside him and couldn't be attracted to him. Marcus had not yet released all pain and guilt inside him. It was hard to that after so many years of talking himself into his self-hate.

"Yes. From what you told me I gathered that much."

"I almost died a virgin... I don't want to die without having known passion."

"Marcus you're not going to die. Stop talking like that. You'll live to an old age." You really are a virgin... I thought so, but ... you're rare, Marcus and special. If only you could let the warmth back into your heart. Stephen began to feel uncomfortable. Marcus' eyes were filled with an unnamed longing and he couldn't tear himself away from them.

"Stephen... would you hold me? I need you.' Marcus waited for Franklin's response, not sure why he had said that.

"Are you sure, Marcus?"

"Yes... please." He added that last word out of fear that Stephen would deny him. The ranger wanted to feel the naked skin beneath his fingers. He knew Stephen would never be his, but he wanted to savour the feeling while it lasted. As the strong arms curled around him, Marcus sighed and slipped into Stephen's embrace. The naked skin was soft and warm and he nuzzled that softness for a moment. Embarrassed, he stopped, realizing what he was doing.

That little action surprised Stephen and he looked into Marcus' eyes. The ranger was blushing and a glow had appeared in his eyes. Stephen knew he would never get a better chance to tell Marcus about his feelings. "Marcus, there’s something you need to know. I don't want you to think I’m taking advantage of your vulnerability, but I'm in love with you. It started on that trip to Mars." Franklin stopped as the glow turned into fire in Marcus' eyes and was baffled to feel the man tremble in his arms. "When I found you in the med lab I was angry because I thought I had lost you. I realized that the attraction had only grown since our trip to Mars. I have feelings for you Marcus. I know you must be surprised to hear this, but I need to know what your feelings are before this goes any further. I’m not looking for a one-night-stand, Marcus. I want a long term relationship..."

I can't believe I’m hearing this... Stephen loves me? Marcus was fighting to stay calm, but this revelation was pushing him over the edge. He had been so terrified that his feelings for Stephen would be unrequited and now Stephen was admitting his feelings to him. "Stephen... I’m so messed up at the moment that I don't know what to do or what to think. I never thought of you in that way before. I respect you, care for you and now I find that I might even love you. I can't promise you anything. I just started to admit the fact that my heart isn't as dead as I thought. You'll have to be very patient with me..."

"Is that a yes?" Stephen smiled tenderly and lowered his head to claim Marcus' lips. Reminding himself that the man in his arms was a virgin, he knew he had to take this slow.

"Yes... definitely."

Moving his body until he rested against the headboard, Stephen stared at the man in his arms. "Did anyone ever tell you that you have marvellous eyes, Marcus? They change color ever so often."

Shaking his head shyly, Marcus' blush deepened. "You don't have to compliment me, Stephen. I know I’m not that good looking."

Hearing those words, Stephen realized that Marcus meant them. The ranger had no idea how handsome he was. "You're definitely a looker, Marcus. That black, silky, hair of yours, those eyes and sensual lips. You were made for love. Trust me, I know." Silencing Marcus' protest, he claimed those soft lips again. Stephen allowed his tongue to trace the inside of his lover's lips and felt victorious as Marcus parted his teeth. Slowly, he explored the softness inside and heard him moan as he sucked on the tip of his tongue. The ranger's skin was no longer cold, but beginning to warm beneath his touch. I should have told you sooner. To think that you could have died without knowing the truth...

New, unfamiliar sensations rushed through Marcus' body as Stephen explored his mouth.

"Close your eyes, Marcus."

Obeying immediately, nimble hands began to undress him. The tunic and belt were quickly undone and he trembled as Stephen removed them together with the turtleneck. A moment later Stephen's hands touched his skin and he opened his eyes to look at Stephen, who was kneeling beside him. He ended up flat on his back and Stephen nudged his knees apart to seat himself between his thighs.

Stephen considered the man in front of him and was astonished to see the beauty of his agile body. Taking his time, he ran his fingers over the naked skin and felt Marcus tremble under his touch. You’re more eager than I expected you to be. His hands stayed away from the trousers and the area beneath Marcus’ waistband. They had time. Franklin leaned forward and pressed his chest against Marcus'. Stephen heard him whimper and smiled. Raising himself a bit, he flicked a nipple with his tongue. Marcus arched up against him and Stephen suckled a nipple while his other hand rolled the other neglected nipple between his fingers.

"Stephen..." Breathlessly, Marcus looked into burning dark eyes and felt himself melt as Stephen's lips claimed his.

"Yes?" Allowing his lover to answer him, Stephen released Marcus' lips. The expression in those green eyes took his breath away. He had never seen them afire like this and Marcus’ body twitched uncontrollably beneath him.

"I... am inexperienced... I don't really know what to do."

"I understand... If I go too fast, let me know and we'll stop."

Marcus nodded and sighed as Franklin's hands undid the zipper of his pants. One hand quickly found his hard cock and Stephen grinned as he realized how aroused Marcus was. "Did you ever fantasize about being with a man, Marcus?" Closely observing the flustered face of his lover, he pulled down the pants and underwear. He shivered with delight as he saw how well endowed Marcus was. His cock was hard and seemed to scream for his touch. Stephen unwrapped his towel. They were both naked now and studying each other.

"Not really. I hardly ever had fantasies... being a ranger… I didn't have the time...to indulge in them." Marcus stopped short as Stephen's fingers ran over the tip of his cock. His hips bucked and he leaked pre-ejaculate. The sensation of someone else's fingers on his cock was driving him insane. In a fit of passion, he pulled Stephen's head close to his and kissed his lover passionately.

Franklin eagerly answered the kisses, but then drew back.

Marcus moaned his disappointment, but his eyes grew wide as Stephen's lips suddenly teased his hard cock. Clutching the sheet with his hands, he wanted to stop Stephen, but discovered that Franklin had a firm grip on his hips.

"Relax, Marcus. "

He threw his head back as Stephen sucked hard on his cock and fought for air as Franklin took him into his mouth. Marcus was panting heavily and tried to thrust into Stephen's mouth, but Franklin tightened his grip on the ranger's hips, making sure Marcus couldn't thrust that deeply. Marcus whimpered as Stephen differed the pace in which he was sucking his cock. His body trembled and shook as he came in Stephen's mouth.

Stephen watched him and grinned as the creamy liquid shot from Marcus' cock. Judging from the way Marcus had reacted to his blowjob, it was the first time Marcus ever experienced this. He released the softening sex from his mouth and straddled the other man’s hips, kissing Marcus violently.

Tasting himself on Stephen's lips, Marcus jerked beneath him.

Franklin continued to caress Marcus' body, but stayed away from his sensitive cock.

Marcus trembled, and as Stephen's tongue duelled with his, he sighed in surrender. Why had he waited this long to give himself to someone he loved?

"Are you all right?"

Stephen's voice sounded distorted. Stephen was straddling his hips and Marcus decided to hold back no more. He cared for Stephen and would do anything the man wanted of him.

But Franklin was no fool and saw the gratitude in Marcus' eyes and knew the ranger would do anything to repay him. That wasn't what he wanted; he didn't want gratitude, he wanted to feel lust rage through his lover's body.

"I... never knew it would feel like this."

"You'll experience that frequently Marcus and it gets even better."

"I can.... I want to."

"Hush now. We'll take this slow."

Marcus stared at him and realized that Stephen’s own erection pressed against his flat belly. Taking Stephen's cock into his hand, Marcus ran his fingers over the hard flesh. He was delighted to hear Stephen moan. Then he realized something else, but could he tell Stephen? Wouldn't he embarrass them both by expressing this particular desire? Hell, he hadn't known it existed himself until moments ago; he wanted Stephen to take him, take him deeply. To feel Stephen inside his body... The thought was enough to arouse him again and Stephen's look was admiring, as he grew hard again.

Stephen had a fairly good idea what was arousing Marcus. He had reacted the same way when he had been initialised into making love to a man. Leaning forward he brushed Marcus' lips with his, barely touching him, teasing his lover. "Tell me what you want Marcus and don't feel ashamed about wanting it. Your body can be a source of unspeakable pleasure; don't be afraid to use it."

Hesitating for the briefest of moments, Marcus wrapped his arms around Stephen's neck, and whispered into his lover's ear. "I... want you inside me... to take me... make me mad with desire..."

"Are you sure?"

Nodding, Marcus wondered if Stephen would accept his offer. He felt insecure, but his cock throbbed with hardness and want. Stephen would decide where to go from here.

Stephen had never thought possible that Marcus would arouse him like this. His cock was begging for release and the idea of coming inside the other man's warm passage overwhelmed him. Hey, slow down! Marcus is a virgin. I can't fuck him like that. Tempered, Stephen placed his upper body on the ranger's, making him feel his weight. "How do you want to be taken, Marcus? Wild? Hard? Slowly and intense? This is your first time; do you realize that there might be pain and disappointment as well? You have no idea what to expect. We can still stop."

"No, don't stop Stephen. I'm no fool. I know there will be pain as well, but part of me craves feeling you inside me..."

"And that other part?"

"That part wants to be fucked wild and hard."

The words stunned them both and Stephen wasn't sure how to react. "Are you really a virgin, Marcus?"

"Yes... but I waited thirty-six years for this and..."

Stroking the damp hair from Marcus' brow, Stephen raised himself. "I hear you, Marcus, but I think you're getting carried away. I will 'fuck' you, as you like to phrase it. But let me set the pace. You don't know what you're asking... "

"I trust you, Stephen... I didn't know there was this wild side to me and it surprises me as well. But the idea of you inside me, fucking me.... Dear God, what am I thinking?"

"You’re thinking passionately, Marcus. You have kept it inside your entire life and now it demands to be heard. "Stephen slid from the bed, studying Marcus. The ranger's body was sticky and hot; the long hair was plastered to the sides of his head, a truly magnificent sight. And he wants me to take him...

"Stephen?" Marcus watched, stunned, as the other man disappeared into the bathroom and felt lost. His erection was pounding and his mind played a trick on him, showing him the glorious sight of Stephen inside him. Bugger, what is happening to me? I never used the word fuck in my entire life, and now…

Stephen emerged from the bathroom, carrying a tube. "We should use some lubricant. You might be horny as hell, but I refuse to take you like this. I don't want to hurt you."

Fascinated, Marcus watched Stephen dip his fingers into the gel, to rub it over his cock. It would have never crossed his mind to use something like lubricant. "You've done this before."

Stephen nodded, not denying anything. "Yes, I had a male lover once... A lifetime ago."

"So at least one of use knows what he's doing." Marcus looked bewildered as Stephen stroked his cock, exciting himself even further. His own erection twitched and he impatiently waited for Stephen to tell him what to do.

"Come here and kiss me, Marcus."

Sensing the demanding lips on his, he reached out for Stephen and placed his hands on his lover's buttocks, pressing Stephen even closer to him.

Pulling away slightly, Stephen looked into Marcus' eyes... They had changed from green to the deepest blue he had ever seen. "Are you ready to be... 'fucked', Marcus?" Stephen grinned as he said it.

Marcus nodded eagerly. "I never used that word before, Stephen. You must believe me, but now it seems… appropriate."

"Do you get aroused when I tell you that I'm going to fuck you? I think you do." Stephen smiled wickedly when Marcus blushed.

"Well, I’m discovering new things about me every minute it seems." Marcus didn't expect to feel Stephen insert his index finger into him. The lubricant on Stephen's fingertip made it slip inside easily.

"Do you like this?"

Moaning, Marcus tried to push down, to take more in of Stephen's finger.

"I never thought you would be this passionate, Marcus. You make my blood boil... I want you too... Kneel down in front of me, facing away."

That command made Marcus shudder, but he complied. He had asked for this...Whom was he trying to fool? He wanted this so badly. He knelt and supported himself by resting his head on his arms. Stephen knelt behind him and he twitched as Stephen's hot sex pressed against his ass.

"No, not like that."

Marcus suddenly felt Stephen's arms around him, raising his upper body until he couldn't rest his head on his arms any longer.

"I don't want you submissive or passive, Marcus. That's not like you."

One arm stayed wrapped around his chest. Marcus felt the weight of Stephen's upper body press against his and sighed.

"Are you ready, Marcus? Tell me if you want me to stop. "

"Yes... I'm ready... Please Stephen, I'm burning up inside." Twitching in Stephen's arms he sighed as the head of Stephen's sex entered him slowly. Rocking back and forth, Marcus tried to take in more, but Stephen stopped him.

"Let me do this, Marcus."

Franklin's voice calmed him a little and he tightened as Stephen pushed in farther. The lubricant made him slide in easily and Marcus moaned as his lover filled him completely. He's inside me... Stephen, start thrusting… I can't stand this... move!

Looking down, Stephen realized that Marcus had taken him in completely. He didn't move, afraid to hurt his lover. Franklin reached beneath Marcus' belly and grasped the hot erection in his hand. His other hand rested on Marcus' back and he began to thrust slowly, but deeply.

"Stephen... faster... please...You're torturing me... Oh..." Marcus was losing all sense of reality as Stephen moved inside him; thrusting into him deeply. To feel Stephen's hand grasp his own erection made Marcus pant. He tried to support himself by placing his hands back on the floor and this time Stephen allowed it. Then Stephen's hand released his cock and Marcus felt bereft of the stimulation. Stephen's hands rested on his buttocks and the thrusts became wilder. Marcus tried to lower his upper body to rest on his arms, but Stephen pulled him back until he was vertical; his buttocks spooned against Stephen's burning flesh. One arm was wrapped around his shoulders and he cried out his ecstasy as Stephen drove into him, hard and fast.

Stephen fought hard to keep in control of his raging feelings. Marcus trusted him and he couldn't just take his own pleasure and leave Marcus behind. Pulling him vertical, Stephen supported him with one arm. He used his other hand to continue to stroke Marcus' cock. His lover was so tight and hot! Driving himself deeply into Marcus, Stephen desperately wanted to come inside his lover.

One firm stroke and Marcus was there. Only having come ten minutes ago, he felt the explosion behind his closed eyelids. His body jerked and Stephen's hands released his cock. He would have dropped to the floor had it not been for Stephen's strong arms.

Feeling Marcus' muscle ranger clench him over and over again, Franklin thrust one more time. He was so deep inside Marcus that a sudden fear made him stop.... What if he was hurting him? But at that moment, Marcus rocked back his hips and provided that last bit of stimulation to make him come. Stephen bit into Marcus' shoulder and he came hard, holding onto Marcus.

Shaking in Stephen's arms, Marcus accepted Franklin's come deep inside him and relished the idea that he had been the one who made Stephen feel like this. Totally exhausted and spent, Marcus no longer had the strength to support himself as Stephen's soft sex slipped out of him. Panting, he sensed Stephen's arms around him.

Stephen realized how tired Marcus had to be. He had not yet recovered from the energy drain and now he had come twice within less than twenty-five minutes. Wrapping his arms protectively around his lover, Stephen lay down next to him on the floor. "Are you all right, Marcus?"

"Tired… but... a virgin no longer..."

Smiling affectionately, Stephen warmed Marcus cooling body with his. "No longer a virgin..." Stephen grinned as he repeated those words. "Marcus, did you enjoy it?"

"Yes. Oh yes... But it should have lasted longer, Stephen... Next time you have to make it last."

Stephen laughed and marvelled at the man in his arms. So much passion and you kept it locked up all those years... "Let's go back to bed now, Marcus...You must be tired." Stephen kissed the ranger's brow and realized that his lover was already asleep.

The end