Title: In Dark Places

by Morgana

Fandom Babylon 5

Pairing: Marcus/Neroon

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Marcus is taken prisoner by a rogue Minbari warlord and questioned. Hurt and about to give up, Marcus is rescued by Neroon. Together they need to stop the rogue Minbari.

DISCLAIMER; THESE CHARACTERS AND BABYLON 5 ARE ALL PROPERTY OF JMS, NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT IS INTENDED

MARCUS

"You do realize you will be extreme vulnerable by going in to Shitaro’s hiding place?" Delenn asks me in an emotionless tone. Considering her feelings is something she can’t give in to in her capacity as Ranger One and this situation is no exception. I know that.

"I understand the dangers involved," I reply in a similar tone. This is the work I’ve been trained to do and I will die in the line of duty if necessary. "We live and die for the One."

"Then let me show you the goal of this mission." Delenn gestures me to step closer to the Bab screen. "Computer, play Shitaro one," she instructs and waits for it to access the correct file.

Looking me in the eyes I wonder what she sees. I hope only firm determination. Ranger training is devised to flush out the weak hearted; the possible traitors and only the strong with hardly anything to live for manage to pull through. People like me.

Musing about this fact I know she’s mentally reviewing my past. I entered ranger training with the advantage of having gone through a similar experience when I joined Earthforce Intelligence, a time I hate. I seldom speak willingly about it, but she knows I’ve been assigned to dangerous missions. It’s in my file of course.

I’m willing to die for the cause and that makes me dangerous and the perfect weapon in this ugly civil war. As the computer voice breaks the silence she continues to study me, wondering if I’m truly the right man for the job.

"Alit Shitaro has command of two runaway Minbari War cruisers, the Endari and Tirima. Both crews are loyal to the Alit who is determined to aid Shay Alit Shakiri in becoming the supreme power within Minbari society. During these last 2 months the rangers received nine messages from raided ships that were forced to give up their cargo, mostly Q 40, food and weaponry. In one case he hit on an Earth Alliance vessel and after retrieving all goods Shitaro murdered the entire crew."

Delenn stops the recording which shows a picture of the Alit. "He must be stopped," she says and looks me in the eyes, "You will ensure he never kills again. I do not want to know how you accomplish this," Delenn instructs, signing Shitaro’s death sentence, "Understand me, Marcus. This man must be silenced."

"It will be done," I promise and bow my head in respect.

"A Minbari ranger would be better suited for this mission. As a human you’ll attract unnecessary attention to your person." Delenn clasps her hands. "You will refrain from contacting me until after you completed the mission."

"Yes, Entil’Zha," I quickly confirm, realizing the importance of this assignment and the huge dangers involved. My eyes search the frozen image of Shitaro’s face, the man I’m ordered to eliminate. I killed before, first on Earthforce orders, later because it was necessary within the rangers.

"Marcus."

Delenn takes a step closer to me and closely watches the expression in my eyes. They must have turned icy cold now that I’m mentally preparing myself to carry out this death sentence.

"Be careful," she adds in a soft tone.

Surprised to hear those words and the tone of her voice I uncomfortably shuffle my feet. I can’t deal with that expression of concern right now, as I’m about to end someone’s live.

"One more word of caution." Delenn says at last, realizing I need all available data. "Shitaro is a… cruel man. Should you get caught in the attempt…He is ruthless."

"I’ll use the capsule," I state, nodding my head and my tongue exploratory touches the one tooth, which was replaced after I finished training. Biting it in to pieces will release a deadly poison that will kill me within seconds. It’s my last resort should I end up in captivity.

"I hope that won’t be necessary," Delenn whispers as she suddenly realizes the dangers I’m about to face. "I value your life, my friend."

"Thank you," I say in a soft tone and blush slightly and involuntarily I take a step back to distance myself from her. Two years ago I promised myself to never let someone in again, as they will only die, leave and subsequently hurt me. They all did and I’m not prepared to deal with the pain again. "Excuse me now, Entil’Zha. I need to start preparations for this mission."

Delenn nods saddened and a gentle expression slips in to her eyes. I leave her quarters to make all necessary arrangements for this mission.

"Delenn?" Lennier asks, stepping into the living area. He stayed in the kitchen during Marcus’ briefing and overheard the conversation.

"My heart is troubled," Delenn admits, turning around to face her aide whose eyes are equally draped. "Both of us know he may never return from this assignment."

"He volunteered for this mission, knowing his death might be required to see this through," he reminds her gently.

"Only to prevent another one’s death," Delenn realizes saddened, "He does not care for his own life."

"But the warrior caste teaches the same principle to its members," Lennier replies, "We, as religious caste, cannot understand the power that drives them."

Delenn shakes her head. She can’t deny the truth in his words, but this is different. "He wants to die, Lennier. Remember the Denn’Sha challenge? He could have stopped Neroon in a different way. But no, he chose to fight him to the death," pausing briefly she raises a hand to stop Lennier from speaking, "I, a member of the religious caste, ordered the death of fellow Minbari and humans. I am not a warrior, yet I made the decision to sent them off in to war and now I asked Marcus to stop Shitaro…"

"Marcus will return. He will pass this test," Lennier says, trying to sound convinced, but deep within his heart he knows Marcus has a death wish and will gladly lay down his life for the One.

Plotting my new course I enter a neutral zone which is controlled by raiders. The strongest one has the best weapons and defenses and is in charge here. This is the part of space I selected to lure Shitaro in to my trap. I knew right from the start that this is a suicide mission and I accept that fact. Actually, I embrace it. I counted on Neroon to end my life months ago, but I still don’t know why he spared me. The question nags at my mind and I wish I’d a chance to ask Neroon, but the Minbari left the station while I was in a drug rush from the meds and sedatives Stephen had administered me.

But this time there is no doubt in my mind that only death lays in store for me at the end of this mission. My plan is really very simple. I’ve taken a supply ship and set course for this system, making sure it carries a load of Q 40, as Shitaro seems mostly interested in this substance.

Sitting duck I wait for Shitaro to make his move. If I read the Minbari warrior’s file correctly, Shitaro won’t wait long and will quickly move in for the kill, sending along two or three Minbari flyers ordering me to head for the war cruiser. Once onboard I’ll have to find a way to get to Shitaro, maybe by offering him inside information I’m supposedly willing to sell.

Delenn is right in one thing. As a human I’ll never get close to Shitaro unnoticed. Straightening out my ranger cloak I realize that being a ranger will come in handy. Shitaro might be easier convinced that my information is for real seeing my uniform.

But I’ll never get off the ship again. Shitaro will kill me or I’ll have to take the poison. Either way, I won’t see Babylon 5 ever again. I wish I’d been able to say good-bye to Susan and Stephen. Susan will understand, being a soldier herself, but I can hear Stephen whining, asking Delenn why she sent me out there. I sometimes wonder about him though. Off all the people I know his concern is the most real.

Leaning back in to my chair I study the long-range scanners and quickly detect the fast moving ships heading my way. Shitaro made his move. I’ve got to stay calm now and only at the very end of it I’ll try and make a run for it. But I’ve got to keep in mind though that I want to be caught!

"Come a little closer, you bastards," I whisper, monitoring their every move, "Just a little…" The three Minbari flyers appear at port and I quickly hit the button to power up the engines. "Can’t make it too easy for you guys," and I start an evasive manoeuvre. The flyers follow me at once and one of them opens fire.

"Careful now," I hiss as the blast almost impacts near the rear of the vessel, "You want the Q 40. Kill me and the ships explodes."

"Earth vessel, follow us or you will be destroyed," comes the message over the open com channel.

"You bastards even learned Standard just to ensure the cargo doesn’t get damaged in the process!" Slowing down again I reply, "What the hell do you think you’re doing? My papers are legitimate and…"

Before I have a chance to continue the flyer fires again and this time it’s a hit. Nothing major, but I understand the warning. "Calm down, I’ll follow you." Smiling contently I lay in a new course and suddenly notice that the long-range scanners pick up two huge vessels, Minbari war cruisers.

"Bull’s eye," I whisper and check the data. Shitaro, prepare to die.

I dock my ship according to the instructions and wait for the Minbari to enter the vessel. First they will want to secure the cargo. But as the doors open four Minbari warriors immediately head my way, ignoring the Q 40 completely.

What the hell? I’m confused as they drag me out of the pilot’s chair. The Minbari talk to each other in the warrior caste tongue, but I can make out the basic content of the conversation. Shitaro ordered them to take me directly to his personal quarters for interrogation. Excellent, this means I’ll get a chance to get close to him!

Their grip on my arms is firm and I only try to struggle free to give them the impression that I’m being taken to the Alit against my will. My upper arms start to ache from the pressure the two Minbari guards maintain on me. As they drag me through the corridors of the war cruiser I clearly notice the grunts of loathing and seething eyes of hate surrounding me. Quickly, my tongue touches the fake tooth. I need to know I still have a way out in case this fails.

What if I fail? Delenn will have to send in someone else to pick up where I left off. Someone else might die too. I can’t allow that to happen. I’ve got to succeed. Certain of my capabilities and the knowledge that I’ll be brought before Shitaro I calm down. If only they’d loosen their hold just a little! I’m losing the feel in my arms and the sensation quickly claims my hands as well. They need to function properly if I want to end this mission successfully.

Keep in control! I tell myself and use the mantras they taught me to fight down every thought of unease. I know what to do, how to end Shitaro’s life, if only I get the chance to do so!

A door opens and I’m pushed inside. One guard places an elbow in my neck and kicks my feet away from underneath my body. I crumble to the floor, cursing the guard. Kneeling, I try looking up to take in my surroundings, but the second guard slaps me hard across my face. Lower your eyes, I privately translate the rebuke the guard snarls at me and for the first time I realize that I might not get a chance to kill Shitaro.

The guard now places his knee between my shoulder blades and grabs a long strand of hair roughly. I bite back the muffled moan that almost leaves my lips. Maybe this wasn’t the best way to approach this mission after all, I’ve got to admit, but there was no alternative at that time.

A small rush of air tells me that another door has opened. Listening to the footfalls I realize one more person has entered the room and I hope it’s Shitaro.

The pointy knee which pushes me down is becoming uncomfortable as it also places pressure on my ribs. These Minbari have no clue how strong they are compared to humans. He could kill me by merely increasing the pressure and pierce my lungs. All of a sudden I realize I’m in troubled waters. This isn’t going according to plan!

"Human."

The word is spat in a venomous tone and I wish I could raise my head to see if the newly arrived Minbari is Shitaro or not. "Yes," I reply, uncertain what the Minbari wants from me.

"Never address the Alit!"

The guard holding me down sneers in Minbari and forces me even closer to the floor. I pant as it gets more difficult to breathe properly. Listen and try to learn what they want from you! I admonish myself. As long as I remain calm and focussed I’m in control for a small part.

"Humans… and they dare to call themselves Anla’shok."

Hold on, what did the guard say? Never address the Alit? So this is Shitaro all right! Pleased with that information I decide to wait for the right moment to try and sell my information. Once he’s interested in that data I can get to him.

"And they even wear our uniforms…"

I can’t see what’s going on and I hate being helpless.

Shitaro nods towards his guards.

Hands grab parts of my clothes and tear my cloak from my body. Managing to look up I freeze seeing Shitaro’s seething eyes. Hate, all he feels is hate, I realize, reading the Alit’s expression.

"Do not look at the Alit!"

Realizing I made another mistake I’m pulled back by my hair and I’m forced onto my back. Shitaro now examines the ranger pin. Let go of my hair! I scream privately, but am bounced on to my stomach and now face the floor. The guard resumes his position, pinning me down by slamming his knee in to my back and I wince silently, hearing one of my ribs snap. But I’m not ready to give up yet.

"I loathe the sight of you, human," Shitaro continues, "I retrieved the cargo you carried…"

"I’ve got valuable information…" I manage to choke out before a guard grinds my face in to floor. Fighting for breath my lungs begin to wheeze as the broken rib makes it hard for me to draw in oxygen.

"I am not interested in information," Shitaro spits, "You, human, need a lesson in humility. Take him to the holding cells."

No, I scream mentally, realizing I won’t get a chance to kill the rogue Minbari. My plans have failed and now I’ll have got to pay the price. Thank God for the fake tooth!

"Wait!" Shitaro orders.

The guards pull me to my feet and involuntarily my hand clutches my stomach, tentatively examining the broken rib. My chin is raised harshly and someone forces my mouth open. They know about the tooth, I realize and immediately try biting it in to pieces. But before I get the chance to do that, a guard squeezes my nose shut and instinctively I try to breathe through my mouth instead. Flashing open my eyes I see Shitaro fingers find a way into my mouth. I clench my teeth shut, biting the Minbari, but realize with a start it’s too late. Shitaro rips the fake tooth from my jaw, leaving behind a bleeding gap.

"Now you can take him away," Shitaro hisses amused.

Bloody hell! I curse mentally, as the guards drag me out of the room into the corridor. My feet barely touch the floor and my lungs protest every time I inhale oxygen. I screwed up! Damn, I fucked up! Fingernails dig into the back of my neck. Fight them; break free, I tell myself. If they succeed in putting me in a cell I’ll be helpless.

I kick hard, aiming my fists at the guards, but they barely notice my blows and simply brush my limbs away. It only inspires me to fight back harder. Irritated by my sudden resistance one guard lashes out and aims a punch right at my temple.

The blow impacts hard and I feel nauseous and fight down the urge to throw up. Suddenly, they push me against a wall and then step back. Through the sudden fog I hear a snarled command and then the typical sound of an activated force field. I’m inside of one their cells!

Slipping down the wall I sit down, knowing I wasted my opportunity. No, I never got a chance to kill Shitaro.

Studying my cell I find it’s a square room. There’s no furniture and no bathroom. The bright light emanating from the ceiling grows stronger and I pinch my eyes half shut. Behind the force field is a metal door and there’s no way to tell what lies behind it. At the moment I’m alone and can only guess at Shitaro’s intentions.

I wonder what he wants from me… He isn’t interested in my information; instead he yanked off my ranger cloak and pin. Perhaps I should have left my uniform behind to come here disguised as a trader. But talking in retrospect I could have done many things differently.

What about my rib? I lift the tunic and turtleneck to feel along the bone. I moan as I locate the fracture. It’s broken all right and I have no med kit handy to bandage it. I lean against the wall, as this position allows me to breathe with a minimum of pain. My head still pounds from the blow to my temple and I wish I had hidden away a second capsule on my body. Without the poison I have got to hang in here and wait for a chance to escape which I won’t get. No Minbari warrior will ever act negligent around a prisoner, enabling him to escape. And where to go? Docking bay? I wouldn’t make it there with all the Minbari hanging around in the corridors. I’ve got to face it; I’m at Shitaro’s mercy.

Delenn’s words return to me, use the capsule in case of capture as Shitaro is feared for his ruthlessness. Will he kill me slowly? Torture me? Why? He didn’t ask any questions…

A frightening thought almost makes me panic. What if Shitaro isn’t interested in my answers? My information? Is only holding me prisoner because he loathes human rangers? What if…?

What if he wants to see me suffer for no other reason than because he hates humans? A startling cold permeates my mind and body. Will he torture me to death? Resting my head on my arms I draw up my legs. My broken rib protests, but with iron will I ignore it. I’ll need all my strength. Looking at the wall I realize I will probably die in here after suffering horrible pain.

I want to die, but not in this way! I scream privately, rebelling against this fate. But I can’t stop Shitaro from whatever it is he wants to do to me… Valen, God, please help me get through to this!

"The prisoner?" Shitaro asks.

"We took him to his cell. In the end he tried to resist." The guard looks at the floor, lowering his eyes out of respect for his Alit.

"Good, start stage one." Shitaro walks over to the window and stares at the star speckled scenery, "Keep him isolated. The light will remain shining full force during the five next days and nights. He is to have no contact. Ignore his pleas and screams."

"Water and nourishment?" the guard asks, slightly confused. He knows what stage one means, but this is an Anla’shok and should be treated differently. His father was a ranger and he had always respected his parent’s calling.

"Once every 24 hours he is allowed a cup of water. No food and you are not allowed to talk to him. Not even a single word. Do you understand?" Shitaro turns to face the guard and tries to remember his name… Hirano.

"I understand, Alit," Hirano says and bows before leaving the room.

"This will be very entertaining. It has been too long since I had the pleasure of questioning a human." Shitaro leaves his quarters as well to head to the command bridge.

part 2

MARCUS

The first few hours I sit on the floor leaning against the wall. I call upon the meditation mantras Sech Turval taught me and continue to study the exit. There has to be a way to flee this cell!

As the hours pass by I start to wonder why no Minbari appears to question me. I assumed Shitaro would send someone to find out who I am and why I had come here. If Shitaro isn't interested in acquiring that information I'm in big trouble. It's the one thing I can bargain with for my life. My mouth grows dry and my stomach loudly growls for food. I wrap my arms tighter around my body, trying to alleviate the ache emanating from the broken rib.

The light remains bright and starts to mess up my biological clock until I can't tell how many hours have passed since they put me here. I want to bang my fists against the walls, scream my lungs out so they'll have to notice me, but instead I remain seated. No way I'll grant them victory this easily!

Thirsty I sit motionless, counting the passing seconds in my head, desperately trying to get a grip on time. I estimate between 15 to 20 hours have drifted by. I startle as heavy footfalls close in on me. Opening my eyes I realize I didn't hear the force field become de-activated. One of the guards slowly enters the cell, carrying a small bowl.

Torn between asking the guard for information and stubbornly keeping quiet I greedily accept the offered cup and relish the cool water inside. I empty it one go… and I want more. "Tell your Alit that I've got valuable information about the Anla'shok. I'll tell him everything he wants to know… in return for my life, my freedom." The guard doesn't react and I wonder whether the man understands me. "Do you understand Standard?" All the guard does is grab the empty cup from my hand and walk back to the exit. "Wait!" I exclaim as I try to get to my feet, but my broken rib hampers me in my movements.

The Minbari closes the door behind him, activating the force field again. "Don't go!" I yell angrily. But all that remains is the echo of my own voice mocking me. The water will keep me alive and I slowly pace the cell, trying to understand what kind of game Shitaro is playing.

The water will keep me alive… Maybe I shouldn't drink it anymore. It only prolongs my stay in this cell. Even death is preferable to this confinement. Solitary confinement. He wants to break me… but Shitaro also wants me to stay alive… Backing away from the door I sit down and rub my body to get warm. The temperature has dropped and it's starting to feel icy cold.

During the following hours all I can think about is finding a way to control the increasing craving for food and water, knowing at the same time that by drinking the offered water I'm doing what Shitaro wants me to. My breathing becomes heavy as the huddled position I assumed puts unnecessary pressure on the fracture. Leaning back, I rest my head against the wall. Slowly I doze off into a cold sleep.

"Report," Shitaro says and watches Hirano's lowered eyes.

"The Anla'shok," he starts, hears Shitaro hiss and corrects the mistake, "The human accepted the water and is now asleep."

"Continue the treatment. We've got ample time to break him." Shitaro sits down behind his desk and thinks of all the possibilities he has to break the human's will. But he has to be patient for now.

I bury my face between my hands. Sitting down I pull up my legs, hating the cold, which now settles into my bones. How long will this go on? They won't dim the lights. It's just another way to disorientate me. My stomach ceased to growl, but my throat aches for water.

As the door opens I look up and immediately recognize the guard who first brought me water. This time he's carrying the same cup. Won't drink it, I tell myself, even though the craving to feel that cool liquid running down my throat quickly overwhelms me. The guard slowly approaches me.

"Drink," he commands in Standard.

"No," I mumble, staring at the floor. Don't give in to the thirst! I continue to repeat.

"You must drink!"

"No," I state convinced. Maybe if I resist he will accidentally kill me!

The guard shakes his head, places the cup on the floor and grabs my neck.

"Drink!" he repeats.

Slowly he pours the water into my mouth. Helpless I try to spit it out, but a small part of the water flows down my throat and I find myself swallowing it greedily. The guard releases me after the cup has been emptied and marches back to the door. I massage my throat and cough out the water, which has found a way in to my lungs. The coughing worsens the ache the fracture causes and I wonder how long Shitaro plans on playing this game.

Hours pass into days, which are only interrupted by the guard bringing me water. At first I thought I only imagined the soft expression in the Minbari's eyes, but now I know nothing more for sure. After being locked up for days I've become delusional, seeing people who aren't there, hearing voices, which only echo in my mind.

I huddle down and try losing myself in my imagination. At one point I'm convinced Susan has joined me in the cell and is holding my hand. "I'm fine," I whisper in a cracked tone as my voice no longer functions without fluids. Every drop of water they bring I devour and the last time I even begged the guard to bring more.

The broken rib doesn't ache any longer as my mind wrestles with the terrible pain of abandonment. Please let me die, I pray privately. Why did he have to rip out that fake tooth? I don't know how much longer I can go on. They don't ask questions… I'm wasting away here. No longer able to keep the hurt inside I scream out and bang my head against the wall. Seconds later Susan's calming voice surrounds me.

"You're trouble, Cole. A pain in the ass!"

That voice calms me down. Clinging to the hallucination I smile happily. "I love you," I whisper and in the back of my head I know Susan will never hear my words, doesn't want to hear my confession for she doesn't love me back.

"How much longer?" I ask in a soft, begging tone no one hears except myself.

Shitaro observes the prisoner on screen. The human befouled himself as he has no access to a bathroom and his face looks haggard and drained. "Shut down the lights," Shitaro orders and Hirano obeys. "De-activate the force field and open the door."

Hirano moves his fingers over the controls. During these last hours he started to wonder why the Alit is treating the human in this way. He supported Shitaro as the Alit broke away from the warrior caste, but now doubts his leader's wisdom. The human is a prisoner of war and should be treated accordingly, not like this! But he knows better than to argue with the Alit who holds absolute power on the ship.

I clutch my stomach as my bowels clench in need for food. I have no idea when I ate last, but realize several days must have gone by. As the lights die I flash open my eyes. What's going on?

"Human."

Immediately I identify the harsh voice. The hallucinations always vanish after my daily ration of water. If it wasn't for the dreadful stench of urine floating through the cell I might be able to deal with this. Remembering the things I learned the hard way after speaking up at arriving here, my eyes stare at the floor and I don't attempt speech.

"Better," Shitaro hisses and approaches me. "Kneel before me."

Never! You haven't won yet. And I don't move.

"I said," Shitaro repeats and grabs the front of my tunic, "Kneel!"

Forced down on my knees I barely control the urge to spit into the Minbari's face.

"You need to be disciplined," Shitaro says.

Wickedly he buries his fingers in my hair. Yanking me to the right I moan softly.

"This is only the beginning," he promises. "You are nothing!"

I start to heave involuntarily as the broken rib makes it hard to breathe. Coughing violently I fight for breath. No longer enjoying this particular action Shitaro throws me back in to my corner. Heaving, throwing up only water and bile I try to compose myself. No longer thinking rationally I curl myself into a tight ball, so I can protect my head and stomach should Shitaro resort to violence.

"Say it, human, tell me you are worthless," Shitaro commands and stalks me again.

Never! But I realize sooner or later I will reach my break point.

"Still defiant? 5 more days in this cell and you will beg me to be allowed to say those words!"

5 more days? I've been here 5 days? I wipe away the salvia from my lips. Can I hold on for 5 more?

Shitaro gestures the guard to move aside as 2 members of his personal guards enter the cell.

Watching them close in I cringe. Two bulky Minbari haul me to my feet and start taking shots at my head and stomach. Flinching uncontrollably I bite down the yelps that almost leave my lips as they target my broken rib. No pain, there is no pain, no pain, there is no pain, I repeat frantically and spit blood as another rib gives into the constant pressure. No longer able to stand on my feet I drop to my knees and now the guards start to kick me in my back and groin area. Fire shoots through my stomach and my hands go down to protect the sensitive area. The guards however grab my wrists and slowly bend them backwards.

My eyes grow watered as the pain overwhelms me. First, my right wrist is snapped back and a moment later my left. Doubling over under the pain I throw back my head to release a scream, which the guards smother before it sounds. Sensing the feel of gloves on my hands my heart beats madly as they one by one break my fingers. The pain causes me to black out. Hanging limply in their hold I bow my head and drift off into unconsciousness.

Hirano freezes in horror seeing the violence the guards use on the human. He knows this is wrong, but doesn't act on that feeling. If he wants to help the human he has to play this more subtle. He has to find someone who can help him get the prisoner off board. Only one name comes to mind, Alit Neroon.

Tasting blood on my tongue I slowly regain consciousness after the brutal thrashing I received hours ago. Carefully opening my eyes I realize my hands are useless, shattered to pieces. I don't try to move my fingers knowing it will only cause me pain. Pain is all there is and I reach out for it, telling myself this is the bitter truth and that I have to face up to it. This is probably the place where I will die and I regret being alone. Why didn't I tell Susan how I felt? I missed my only chance on the bridge of that White Star.

Remorse sweeps through me and I momentarily lock out the pain. But as moments drift by the pain returns. Unable to take care of primary needs I realize my utter helplessness. Shitaro will bring me to the edge of insanity and then yank back my collar, showing me he's in control. I can't survive another 5 days, but Shitaro will see to it I don't die. He'll keep me alive for his amusement! And I allow a tear to break through.

Darkness engulfs me and I see ghastly figures in the shadows, circling me. In a still functioning part of my brain I know I'm delusional again, seeing things, which only exist in my mind. Staring into the darkness I tentatively shift my position. After sitting in the dark for nearly two days my eyes start to lose the ability to focus. As I move about on the floor the remnants of urine bite into my skin. I no longer care about the stench.

A small beam of light appears and I push myself deeper in to the corner. First the two guards will appear and beat me up and then the other Minbari will force me to swallow the water. Having no way to resist I clench my teeth as the pointy boots bury themselves in the soft flesh of my stomach. Blood drips from my bruised lips and after a moment I lose consciousness again.

"Drink," The guard whispers softly after the two guards left.

I slowly swallow the water, but hardly have the strength to keep my mouth open. "Kill… me," I plead.

"I cannot do that," Hirano replies touched.

Then he steps away from me and retreats to the observation lounge.

"I want to see the prisoner," Shitaro says.

Hirano quickly turns about, as he didn't hear his Alit enter and looks away. "Of course, Alit," he replies and opens the door.

Shitaro growls as stench attacks his nostrils. After walking up to me he carefully raises my chin. As blood stains his gloves he looks down disdainfully.

"Kneel!" he orders and waits impatiently.

The command penetrates my mind and slowly I move into a kneeling position. My body aches badly and I'll do anything to prevent another thrashing.

"Good, you've made progress," Shitaro whispers, "Now tell me that you are nothing, worthless waste!"

"I… am… worth… lessss," I stutter as my jaw hurts, "I… am… waste." The words mean nothing to me, but will appease Shitaro.

"I am pleased with this result." Shitaro steps away, realizing his boots turned wet by the urine. "What is your name?"

My brain suddenly comes online. Shitaro, what do you want?

"Tell me your name!" Shitaro orders again.

"No," I moan. I'll never give up this information. It can greatly compromise Delenn. Looking through half closed eyes I cringe as the two guards stalk closer.

"Teach him obedience… the hard way," Shitaro orders and amused leans back against the wall.

I try backing away into the corner, but my range of movement is badly limited. Suddenly one of the guards drags me into the corridor, using strands of hair to pull me along. My fingernails scratch the floor as I try to struggle free.

Unexpectedly I'm lifted onto a wooden table and slammed on to my stomach. My toes barely touch the floor and I rest my body on the table, yet at the same time I try to get away from it as it causes my ribs toact up.

"Proceed," Shitaro says pleased, enjoying the sight.

A grunt tells me the guards now stand behind me and I suck in my breath as my clothes are torn of my body. First, the tunic, and then the turtleneck is ripped to pieces and dropped to the floor. Realization dawns on me as they also tear off my trousers, along with my dirty underwear. My broken fingers try to find a hold at the edge of the table as ice-cold water is poured over my back and buttocks. Swift and hard strokes with a towel wipe away the filth.

No, Valen, no… God, no… don't let them do this! Letting out a strangled scream my face is instantly slammed into the desk. Part of the towel is pushed inside my mouth and I almost choke, tasting my own blood.

"Now," Shitaro says eagerly, "Do it!"

One of his personal guards unzips his trousers to free his erection. The guard who always brings me water looks away…

I rest my forehead on the desk, as the cloth in my mouth keeps me from breathing properly and I nearly choke. A sudden sensation on my rear end makes me hold my breath. Closing my eyes in panic I try to relax. The Minbari teachers told me how to survive terror, but now I'm facing rape and it scares me gutless. Please, no… I'm ashamed to admit I want to beg for mercy, but the gag prevents me from uttering even a single word.

"No more playing around," Shitaro states, "Take him."

I tense up, but the guard doesn't stop. He buries himself slowly inside my body. Grabbing my waist his fingernails dig in to my flesh. Unable to stop this presence from probing deeper I go limp and fight for breath. Something warm drips from between my buttocks and I vaguely realize it is blood.

"Do you understand now?" Shitaro says.

He now stands in front of me. Pulling at my hair he forces me to look up at him.

"You do not deserve to exist. Humans are a disgrace to the universe. You do not deserve a name… You no longer have one, whore."

I fight hard to keep back my tears, but fail as the guard releases a triumphant cry

"Stop," Shitaro orders and the guard moans his displeasure, but complies nonetheless.

Still looking into my eyes Shitaro says, "You will serve us in this way for the rest of your natural life. You are nothing. No human can be Anla'shok! You insult our society and traditions by wearing that uniform!"

I stop fighting them, give in and surrender. I forfeited my life. It's better to realize that I lost than to cherish the insane hope to escape this torture one day. My life is over and all I want is to die.

Opening my eyes I quickly close them again. The blinding lights crushes into them and hurt my iris, which is no longer used to light. I pull my legs closer to my body and a startling pain shoots through me. Memories return and I hide my face in my hands and can't help flinching as my broken wrists and fingers remind me of what they did to me.

I gave up. After more than 10 days I gave up. In regular pauses Shitaro and the other two guards come in to force me. I don't think I'll ever grow used to the pain, but it's bearable. They placed me in a different holding cell and shoved a bucket in a corner, telling me I could use it

to relieve myself. It gets emptied when its full, but the stench sometimes still makes me want to throw up. I get more water now and even a slice of bread at times though I have a hard time actually eating it. My fingers can't grab anything and it usually slips out of my hands. I then have to bend down and pick it up from the floor. I don't care though as it is food and satisfies the terrible hunger.

One of the guards, the one who brings me food and water, is always quiet unlike Shitaro and his men. They call me names all the time. This other guard doesn't. When he helps me drink the water his touch feels tender and it almost seems like he wants me to survive as long as possible. Don't know why though. After what happened to me I can never return to Babylon 5 or face Delenn. Crawling on all fours I finally reach the bucket to pee into it.

My urine is filled with blood and I know it's getting worse all the time. Spasms rack my stomach and as I drag myself away from the bucket I try to lift my head. It's useless as I lack the power and I stare at the floor. I can hardly believe that two weeks ago I felt cocky enough to take on Shitaro. Must have been mad…

My biological clock tells me Shitaro and his men are bound to return any moment now and I mentally try to prepare myself for the torment they will inflict on me. Shitaro loves to see me flinch in pain.

Dragging my feet over the cold floor I vividly remember one time I tried resisting Shitaro. I fought him with desperation and managed to get to the doorway. Now, I wish I hadn't been that foolish. After they pulled me back into the center of the room, one of the guards clasped my ankles with his hands and started to apply pressure. It didn't take long for him to snap my ankles and I turned unconscious eventually.

I'm cold, terribly cold as I'm butt naked. They didn't even give me a blanket to keep warm. My head hurts, my eyes burn and my body screams in pain. I want to end my life, but there is no way out for me.

Suddenly Susan's eyes appear in my thoughts and I quickly banish her memory from my mind. I don't want someone as pure as Susan to be linked with something as filthy as I am.

Shitaro no longer calls me the human or by my name… I'm his whore… I struggle to remember my name… I know I once had one… Perhaps my mind is locking it away, trying to protect me from the pain of knowing I once lived a normal life.

Metal scrapes over the floor and I suck in my breath, recognizing the terrible sound. The door opens and that can only mean one thing… I want to curl up in the corner and succumb to the darkness, withering away until I die in loneliness.

Shitaro's hunger is insatiable and going limp I wait for his instructions, which often differ. I'll do as he tells me to. I try to think of nothing, try to convince myself that I deserve this. Otherwise I can't bear it. Maybe this is the punishment the Universe had in mind for me when I betrayed Willie and all the others on Arisia. Their fate was much worse.

But a small part of my mind refuses to believe that and keeps screaming at me to fight off Shitaro, that he has no right to abuse my body like this. No, he can do to me whatever he wants… The pain paralyzes me and my eyes water with tears I'll never shed.

"You are worthless! You are a disgrace!"

The dry heaves start again, racking my inner organs. It usually takes him two or three minutes to reach orgasm and I pray to God he'll come soon. This time it takes him longer and my mouth and throat grow dry, as I want to throw up because my bowels are pressed together.

"The human served me well today… but I am hungry now. Let's head to my private quarters," he says, addressing his guards.

'The human', echoes through my mind… I no longer deserve a name. As their footfalls grow distant I try to heave myself back towards the corner, needing the wall to support me. Looking down my I feel nothing… I am nothing… I try hard not to move at all. Maybe I'll fall asleep… a sleep without dreams… without nightmares…

When I wake several hours later I'm unable to move. My body seems to have shut down at last. I wish I could shiver due to the cold, but even opening my eyes drains me. Maybe if I give up completely my body will shut down too and I'll die. That's the only way of being free of Shitaro and his punishments. Too tired and exhausted to end that thought I slip back into the darkness of unconsciousness.

part 3

NEROON

I look up from the file I'm reading as my communications officer patches through a message marked urgently. "What!" I question annoyed and stare at the screen. "I know you," I whisper surprised and try to remember the warrior's name.

" Yes, Alit Neroon you do," Hirano replies. "My brother serves you."

"You're Vallo's brother… Hirano of the house of Pul," I nod my head. "Why contact me?"

"I need your help," Hirano quickly glances about, making sure he's alone.

I notice the man's nervousness and say, "Continue."

"Alit Shitaro captured a human ranger."

I shrug my shoulders. "That is of no concern to me."

"But he's torturing the human! He's a ranger and should be treated like a prisoner of war, not like… this."

Intrigued, I place the file on his desk. "Explain."

"The warrior caste used… dishonorable techniques during the Earth Minbari war to make their prisoners talk. We adopted those tactics from the humans… and Shitaro is now doing the same thing to the human for his pleasure."

My brow grows knotted. "We abolished those tactics at the end of that war." Retreating further back into my chair I hope no intense emotions show in my eyes. I hate that particular technique as it causes unnecessary pain and hardly ever produces results.

"Alit Shitaro continues to carry it out," Hirano says. "The human will die a painful death which will eventually anger the warrior caste and the rangers."

"You are right," I've got to admit. "I will visit Alit Shitaro shortly."

Hirano knows he has to do with that answer. "Thank you, Alit Neroon."

Terminating the connection I smash my fist in to the desk. "How does Shitaro dare to do this?" I wonder baffled. "I will have to stop him." I was inclined to let Shitaro be, as I don't agree with the recent rulings of the warrior caste myself, but now Shitaro's action will infuriate the rangers and I don't want them as an enemy. Contacting my helmsman I say, "Set course for Alit Shitaro's war cruisers and inform him of my visit."

"It will take us 5 days to reach that position."

A dangerous growl escapes my throat. "Maximum speed?"

"Yes, Alit, 5 days at maximum speed."

"Set course and inform me when we reach target!" I rise to my feet and start to pace the room. "I've got to stop this," I whisper and shiver, knowing what the human is going through.

5 days later

"Alit Neroon," Shitaro says politely.

He gestures me to step inside his office, wanting nothing more than to find out why I've come here so unexpectedly. Sitting down he watches my expression. I fight to keep my face emotionless. Not even a hint of my intention simmers in my eyes and uncomfortably Shitaro shifts back into his chair. For some time now he's tried to convince me to join his cause and side with him against the rest of the warrior caste, but thus far I always refused to take sides.

"What changed your opinion?" Shitaro wonders.

I take a seat opposite him. "Alit Shitaro," I say calmly and study the other man. Something in Shitaro's eyes warns me to be careful. These last 5 days have been hard on me. I know I've got to convince Shitaro to hand over the ranger, but how to accomplish that? Finally making my decision to play hardball I say, "It has come to my attention that you managed to capture a human ranger," and I make sure my voice carries an arrogant tone.

"Yes, I did."

Shitaro's beady eyes never leave mine and I return the stare in a similar fashion. I won't back down. My reason for wanting to save this human is too well motivated by my past. A past, Shitaro hopefully knows nothing about; otherwise I'd be at a distinct disadvantage. Realizing he's waiting for my answer I cock my head. "You will hand him over to me."

"Why?"

Yes, why indeed. I know this is the part of our conversation where everything can go wrong and he can refuse my demand. I've got to be patient and wait for him to answer his own question from which I can act upon. In the back of my mind I wonder what state the human is in. After 13 days of Shitaro having his way with him the human might be dead. I don't know for sure whether he's still alive. Shitaro leans back and I privately ask Valen to help me. I have never been a religious man, but sometimes I do ask for guidance.

"A human ranger stopped you from killing the half breed. You must be mad at them," Shitaro says eventually.

I grab this opportunity; realizing revenge might be the one reason why Shitaro will indulge me in this. We aren't friends. I loathe his methods and the way he treats his men. In his view they are all expendable and worthless. "You're correct. I want revenge… give me this human."

"I do not want to give him up to you… I… enjoy his presence here," Shitaro quips amused.

I can only hope that he values my support more than keeping this human close. "I am sure you will find pleasure elsewhere," I say, repulsed by my own manipulations, "but I won't find a second human ranger that easily."

"True," Shitaro replies and rises to his feet. "Follow me…"

Shaky, I get to my feet too and feel relieved now that I know the human is still alive. The wrath of the rangers might be terrible should he die at Shitaro's hands. Walking in silence next to Shitaro I immediately notice the fear and repression sneaking around the ship, staring back at me from the crewmembers' eyes and I realize Shitaro reigns in terror. Maybe I was wrong to let him be, maybe I'll have to step in here and stop Shitaro before he goes overboard.

"What do I get in return for the human?"

Shitaro's question forces me to concentrate my attention back on him and I reply, "My support?" Lying is acceptable at this moment as I might save the prisoner's life.

"I accept the bargain," Shitaro says pleased.

His eyes gleam anxiously and I realize I'll have to address this matter before the High Court at Tuzenor and the clan leaders. Shitaro is dangerous and must be stopped. I gladly accept that responsibility.

As we reach the holding cells I study the corridor, the doors and the positions of the guards. I'm not surprised to see Hirano's face amongst them. He tries to hide it, but I see relief in his eyes. "Do you know the human's name?" I ask curiously.

"No, I never bothered to find out," Shitaro replies arrogantly.

His icy tone takes me aback. Shitaro's hate is apparent in his voice. Hirano opens the door at Shitaro's command and steps back to let us enter the cell, trying to hide his satisfaction now I kept my promise.

I stride inside and almost come to a sudden stop. In the farthest corner a human lies on the floor, curled up in a foetal position. He's naked and his body is completely covered with bruises and black and blue areas. The way his hands rest useless on the floor, twisted and tense, I gather Shitaro ordered them broken and the blood and transparent liquid glistering on his back tells me to which tactics Shitaro resorted to break him. Rape is something I fiercely condemn and knowing a Minbari warrior did this enrages me. Shitaro obviously no longer values our ways, or rituals.

"Come over here," Shitaro commands victoriously.

I force myself to remain calm. I must stay in control of my rage or Shitaro will notice my anger. Pity, sadness, and an insane sense of injustice washes through me, seeing the pain the human is in as he tries to crawl towards us. Unable to use his hands he supports his frail frame with his elbows and barely audible mews emanate from his lips.

"I disciplined him," Shitaro whispers pleased.

I barely repress the urge to wrap my fingers around Shitaro's throat to clench it shut, to hear him draw a strangled breath. But I focus on the human instead who leans forward to kneel. I now realize Shitaro's intentions and quickly take a step closer. I won't allow him to demonstrate his tactics in my presence. "I want him for myself… "

"You're greedy," Shitaro hisses.

His fingernails scratch the human's skin who flinches uncontrollably at that touch and I know Shitaro did an amount of damage which can never again be undone and my memories take me back to… Not now, I berate myself. All that matters now is getting the human onboard the Ingata. "Do you want my support or not?" I challenge him and hope he won't call my bluff.

"Yes," Shitaro replies and places his boot on the human's bloody back.

Only now I notice the way the prisoner's feet are snapped back. They broke his ankles as well! I promise myself to extract revenge on Shitaro for what he did. I'm not fond of humans and I will never call them friends or equals, but ever since the day that a human ranger defeated me I bear them a growing respect and to see one of them this humiliated goes against everything I believe in. "One of your guards will take him to my shuttle," I instruct and point at Hirano, knowing the prisoner will be safe in his care. "You, see to it he is inside my shuttle when I leave."

Hirano waits for Shitaro to nod, as he won't execute this order without the Alit's permission, no matter how eager he is to comply.

Shitaro nods his consent, displeased to see the human leave.

I try to look not too pleased as I lead Shitaro outside into the corridor. The last thing I see is the prisoner collapsing on to his stomach as a wail of pain drifts through the room. One day I will make Shitaro pay for this neglect of Minbari rules.

Hirano kneels down beside the human and is worried to see blood flow from his lips. "Wake up," he says in a soft tone, uncertain whether other guards might be watching him. The prisoner doesn't react and Hirano realizes the human has lost consciousness. Placing one hand underneath the prisoner's knees he pulls the human close to his chest and lifts him from the floor, ignoring the blood staining his uniform. "Alit Neroon ordered me to take you to his shuttle. He didn't specify how. I'll carry you," Hirano whispers and cringes inwardly seeing the injuries. "I doubt you'll ever recover… I've seen too many of his victims commit suicide." Saddened, he slowly walks to the docking area.

"So you agree to support Shay Alit Shakiri?" Shitaro asks pleased.

He offers me a cup of ceremonial tea. "Yes," I say without commitment. All I can think about is seeing to the human's injuries and delivering him to the nearest station run by his race. Getting to my feet I bow politely and imagine seeing Shitaro beg for mercy as I choke him slowly. My old hate resurfaces and it finally bears a face now. Locking the past away I return to my shuttle.

As I arrive at the shuttle bay Hirano is awaiting me. His eyes are no longer clouded like they were when he contacted me. "Did you place him inside?"

"Yes, Alit… He's in a bad way though. He lost consciousness after you left his cell."

"I will see to his wounds," I promise, uncertain if I can fulfil this commitment.

"Thank you."

"Are you sure you want to stay?" I ask, wondering why a warrior who displayed a great sense of honor wants to serve Shitaro.

"What if another human takes his place? Someone must stay."

"I understand," I whisper. "You did the right thing by contacting me. Shitaro dishonored himself by acting in this way."

Hirano bows deeply and slowly walks away from the shuttle. His work is done, mine is about to start. I hesitate briefly, knowing what sight awaits me inside. I then compose myself and step inside. Hirano placed the human in the pilot's chair so he doesn't have to lie on the cold floor. Moving my hands over the crystals I plot my course. My shuttle takes off and in a few minutes I'll be back on my own cruiser. Now that the computer has taken over control I slowly walk over to the human.

The first thing I notice is the long dark hair that reminds me of the ranger I faced a few months ago. Tempted to look at his face I sit on my heels and gently stroke the hair out of his face. I hiss, suck in my breath as I recognize the face. His eyes are closed now and they no longer stare at me defiantly. I vividly remember the expression in those orbs when he told me he would die for Delenn… in Valen's name.

"Marcus," I stutter. The name always remained in my thoughts and helped me to stay on my chosen path. And Shitaro did this to him! "Why must it be you?"

I'm confused, horrified seeing blood and broken bones hover underneath the brittle skin. I need to take action; I can think this over later. After walking to the control panel I contact my private physician Langar.

His surprised expression tells me he didn't expect my call. "Prepare the medical facility. I'm bringing a severely injured human onboard."

"Human?"

"Yes," I confirm and recognize confusion in his eyes. "I suggest you download all data on their species and start making preparations to attend to his wounds. Shitaro injured him, emotionally as physically."

"As you wish."

As Langar terminates the contact I know he will do his best to help Marcus. Quickly, I head back over to the chair and watch in silence as Marcus moans. His stomach contracts beneath the frail skin. "You're safe now," I whisper and remove my long cloak to drape it over the trembling body. "I promise Shitaro will never again hurt you." Placing one hand on Marcus' sweaty brow I notice he has developed a fever. Marcus stirs at my touch and tries getting away from my hand, but he's too weak to move. His face is black and blue and his breathing laboured. Sitting on my heels I gently caress his long hair, hoping he will somehow feel my presence and realize he's safe. But he doesn't and starts whimpering softly.

I can't make out his muffled words, but I do know he's in pain. It will take us 5 more minutes to reach the Ingata and I'll stay at his side. It's the least I can do to honor this warrior who fought me so bravely that fateful day. "Hold on."

My communications officer contacts me, asking me to start docking procedures and I have to leave Marcus behind. Thankfully he's deeply asleep again and the whispering has stopped. I quickly dock the shuttle and head back to Marcus. Carefully I lift him from the chair, clutching him to my chest. He hardly weighs a thing and suddenly I wonder whether he has the strength to survive this trauma. I realize I face a grave responsibility… one I will have to consider later. Now he needs medical attention.

Salvia dribbles onto my uniform as he pants heavily. His ribs must have taken a beating and might be bruised or broken. I change the position he's in and the panting stops. I leave the shuttle to head straight for the medical facility.

Several of my personal guards gathered at the exit to greet me and stare at me in bafflement. "I will explain this later. He is a ranger and needs help."

These words pull them from their bewilderment and they immediately clear the way for me. I smile, cherishing their loyalty. Langar awaits my arrival and has rigged one of the platforms. I shake my hand questioningly.

"Trust me," the old Minbari physician says, "it's best this way."

I trust Langar's judgement. He is the father I never knew… his grey beard always reminds me of his old age and his brown eyes shine kindly, never judging any one, no matter what race they are. Cautiously I lay Marcus down on the soft bed and slowly pull away my cloak. "Be gentle with him. He already suffered too much."

"You are right… Valen, who did this to him?" Langar shakes his head in disbelief. Switching on the scanner build into the ceiling a soft light starts to flow over Marcus' body. "We must clean him up first. Will you assist me?"

"Yes," I reply without hesitation. "I spared his life once and now saved him from Shitaro's clutches. I'm responsible for him." Langar hands me clean surgical bandages and a bottle filled with a clear liquid.

"Wipe away the blood and dirt," Langar instructs while moving over to the screen to study the results.

I fumble the bandages briefly and then start wiping his brow. The number of bruises I encounter depresses me.

"He needs reconstructive surgery," Langar says with an odd tone to his voice. "His bowels are torn apart…"

"Shitaro forced him," I comment and lower my eyes, opening his mouth to check for more wounds. It will have to be rinsed later.

Langar collects all medical equipment he needs for surgery.

"What about his hands and feet?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"Broken, but they can be corrected later. His mind needs to heal first. You know that, Neroon."

"I do…" and finally I allow the pain of the past to enter my soul "I lost Narrier. I refuse to watch Marcus die as well."

"Narrier, you haven't spoken his name aloud for a long time."

"Speaking his name still hurts and seeing Marcus like this…" Narrier looked exactly the same as I had found him inside his cell.

"How is it possible you know this human's name?" Langar asks as he walks to the foot end of the platform. "Carry him to the sterile room please."

As I pick Marcus up I study his bruised face. He looks vulnerable. It feeds my urge to protect him from further harm. My original plan to take him to an Earth Alliance base crumbles, as I can't bear the idea of him being out there on his own without them knowing what happened to him.

Laying him down on another rigged exam platform I know from personal experience that he will never truly recover from this ordeal, no one can. Narrier committed suicide because he couldn't accept and deal with what had happened to him. Maybe this time I won't make the mistakes I made so many cycles ago.

"Continue to disinfect his wounds," Langar says, while hooking Marcus up to several medical scanners and monitors.

"I will," I whisper and start working on his throat and chest. My touch is gentle and that fact baffles me. I never thought I could truly care for a human after what they did to my former lover.

Marcus has been sedated and will sleep through surgery. Langar puts him on a respirator and starts to repair the damage Shitaro did. Wiping blood from his chest I vow to make it up to him for Shitaro's abuse. A warrior did this to him! Gentle taking hold of his arms I work my way down to his wrists and fingers. They hang limply down the exam platform, broken and shattered.

Thankfully Langer finishes quickly and then helps me clean Marcus up. "Will there be any long term damage?" I ask.

"Physically? No, I doubt that. Mentally… yes!" Langar replies saddened.

Long moments pass and finally Marcus' body is clean and his wounds disinfected. I pull him into a sitting position as Langar bandages his chest. "Two broken ribs," I whisper absent minded.

"We will have to set his other broken bones later," Langar says and points at his patient's hands and feet.

"Anything we can do now to further his recovery?" I want to know.

"Take away most of his pain with proper medication." Langar returns from rummaging in the storage facility.

I recognize the items he's carrying. Gloves and socks made from a special synthetic will stimulate Marcus' bloodstream and start correcting the fractures. "Will he need surgery later?"

"Yes, I doubt very much he will be able to use his hands properly again or walk unaided without it." Langar shakes his head worried. "Shitaro didn't hold back."

"No, he didn't," I agree.

Langer carefully arranges Marcus' body after putting on the socks and gloves, correcting the way the fractured limbs have started to heal. "Fetch me a warming blanket," Langar instructs and adjusts the two drips his patient is hooked up to. "He's dehydrated and starved. The moment he wakes we have to convince him to take in food."

Remembering going through this ordeal with Narrier I realize Marcus might refuse nourishment. I cover his body with the blanket and look up at Langar, my old friend and trusted physician. "I want to help him recover." Langar shoots me a disturbed look and I understand his concern. I ended up emotionally scared myself when I tried saving Narrier from insanity.

"Are you sure? Ranger or not, he's still human," Langar says in a reluctant tone.

"I'm certain." I nod my head. "This might be my second chance, Langar and I know what to do… how to aid his recovery."

"What if he is too far gone to be reclaimed?" Langar wants to know.

"I cannot return him to his people as he is now. They won't understand his pain. He can stay here with me, us, as long as he needs to… his entire life if necessary," I state.

"What if he wants to return to his race?"

"He won't and you know it." Narrier turned frantic every time I tried to convince him to face his family and our friends after he realized what had happened to him.

"He will sleep for several hours," Langar says with assurance.

Together we tried helping Narrier so long ago. He will stand by me this time too.

"We must think up a strategy to help him."

"I know," I whisper. "He will be completely disorientated at first and then despair will overwhelm him. We cannot leave him alone, not even for a moment." In my mind I see Narrier, running the ceremonial dagger over his wrists and slitting open his stomach. I have to prevent this tragedy from happening a second time!

"You will have to officially proclaim him part of our clan in order to protect him." Langar is finally satisfied with the dose the IV's feed Marcus.

"No one needs to know he is human," I remind my friend.

"True, but this will be hard to keep secret. Will you inform Delenn you found him?" Langar asks while scraping blood off the inside of his patient's mouth.

"No, that is a decision Marcus has to make once he regains consciousness," I reply and notice Langar's questioning expression.

"Do the rangers use fake teeth to cover up capsules filled with poison?"

Langar's questions strikes me as odd but as I look at the bloody gap in Marcus' jaw I understand. "Yes, I think so." Briefly I return to Langar's office to retrieve a chair. I want to be close in case Marcus wakes up. My sight will scare him, as it was a Minbari warrior who hurt him, but maybe he'll recognize my face. Hopefully I can assure him he's safe now. But the next months will be gruelling at best. I will have to support him through the pain and agony he will go through.

Langar leaves me alone with my thoughts and I search my motivation for wanting to help Marcus cope with this. Can I go through this misery for a second time? Can I? Do I want to? "I must," I whisper as I stroke back the soft dark hair, which is no longer filled with dried blood, "I must."

PART 4

MARCUS

Waking up slowly I feel too drained to open my eyes. Shitaro will stare back at me and I want to put off returning to my nightmare as long as possible. I carefully move about and my foggy brain suddenly realizes that the floor isn't that cold any more. Maybe I've grown used to it, but I'm really too tired to wonder about this and I slowly pull my knees towards my stomach. I'm on my back and this position is uncomfortable, making me feel exposed and vulnerable.

Something warm covers me and I'm seriously tempted to find out what it is. But what's the point in trying? Maybe Shitaro is playing games again. I sigh heavily as I can no longer deny I feel cozy and warm, except for the nagging ache in my bones that is bearable now. I only hope Shitaro isn't returning shortly. Curled up, I regulate my breathing and wonder why they wrapped something warm around my chest.

Except for Shitaro's voice, a second echoes in my head. I remember Shitaro entering my cell, telling me to crawl over and then... Must have lost consciousness... This second voice seems strangely familiar and I know I heard it in my past... but memory escapes me and I give up. Until Shitaro returns I must try to rest, perhaps even sleep, though I fear the return of the nightmares... But they didn't torment me during these last hours. Why?

Why would I want to open my eyes? Maybe ignoring reality, denying it, will buy me more rest. All I want is to die, but I'm still too strong for that. And what's up with my hands? This feels like cloth covering them. But that can't be... Carefully moving my fingers I cringe at the ache as they protest the action. But this is cloth all right. What's happening? Has Shitaro suddenly decided to tend to my injuries? Why would he do that?

Unable to keep my eyes closed any longer I slowly open them and can't understand what's happening to me. The ceiling definitely looks different and the stench is gone. This room smells sterile... warmth emanates from a blanket covering my body and I realize I'm still naked underneath it.

Slightly cocking my head I try to take in the room. It's obviously some kind of medical facility and I discover the drips I'm hooked up to. There are two IV's and I know Shitaro would never go through the trouble of nursing me.

Surprised, I find that my stomach no longer aches that badly, and when I concentrate on that sensation I realize something else as well. I have a catheter in my private parts. It feels degrading and I close my eyes in shame. Who is doing this to me and why?

"Marcus?"

Hearing that voice I flinch and start to shake all over my body. Marcus? No, that's not my name any longer... I can't help but open my eyes and focus in the direction the voice came from. Staring into the eyes of a Minbari cold sneaks into my body. All I see is the bonecrest and the lack of eyebrows. "Don't hurt me," I choke out. "I'll obey..." Shivers rack my body and I start to pant as I forget to breathe. I can take no more thrashings, no more abuse... please.

"You're safe here," the voice replies in a kind tone, ignoring the plea. "You're onboard the Ingata. Do you remember me?"

"No, yes, no," I stutter. I really don't know who he is, though there's something familiar about him. I don't even know who I am any more. "Don't hurt me," I beg again and wonder why Shitaro isn't here. Did he send this man to torment me in a different way?

"I am Neroon. You fought me when I tried to stop Delenn from becoming Ranger One. Don't you remember me? Please try." Neroon barely resists the urge to reach out. "Shitaro cannot hurt you any longer," Neroon continues in a soft tone. "My personal physician is tending your injuries. You need rest, to regain your strength."

"Neroon?" I stutter. I vaguely remember that name, but as fatigue takes over all I can think about is going back to sleep, to oblivion where the pain doesn't exists. But there's something in those eyes that calms me down and I find myself staring at him, speechless.

"Yes, Marcus. You're safe. You're now under my protection. Calm down."

Hearing those words I stare at him in disbelief. Is this the truth? "Why? How?" I stutter and suddenly I hear in my mind, -Never address the Alit!- If I remember correctly Neroon holds that title as well. Where did that sudden knowledge come from? Scared, I lower my eyes and stare at the Wall.

"Hirano, one of Shitaro's guards contacted me and told me you needed help," Neroon says honestly.

I avert my eyes, reliving painful memories.

"Rest now and try to sleep, but the next time you wake you should eat something."

The mere mention of food makes my stomach contort and I barely refrain from throwing up.

"Marcus?"

I hope he will keep his distance as I'm on the brink of panic. Neroon's worried voice startles me and I don't know what to say. Only one thing springs to mind. "I'll obey." I close my eyes as my body shuts down from fear. I'm facing one more problem though. I need to pee.

"What is wrong?" Neroon asks concerned, seeing the ashamed expression on my face.

"Can't say," I whisper embarrassed. Why can't I simply lose consciousness and escape this humiliation?

Hit by sudden understanding Neroon says, "Whatever it is, Marcus don't feel ashamed."

Tears appear in my eyes, making them blurry as I relieve myself. The urine flows into the catheter and I start to cry. I've been holding back these tears for so long that I'm scared I can't stop. Neroon sees the catheter bag slowly fill and his reassuring smile tells me he understands what upset me. "Alit... Shitaro," I whisper and then fall silent, as Neroon appears angered by my choice of words. I flinch slightly.

"He no longer deserves to hold that title. He dishonored all Minbari."

"No..." I beg, hearing the anger in Neroon's voice. "Don't be mad, please... I'll obey, I'll obey," I rave, trying to avoid another beating, this time at Neroon's hands. In my mind Neroon and Shitaro start to meld together, leaving me behind in terror. Frantically I try to kneel... Maybe that way I can appease him.

"Marcus, don't move about that much," Neroon says in a chiding tone.

But I'm determined to roll over onto my stomach. I don't know when he realizes I'm offering myself to him.

"Marcus, lie down..." Neroon says resolved.

"You don't want... me?" I finally choke out as hands push me down onto my back again. Neroon's touch is surprisingly gentle and puts no pressure on my wounds. For a moment I allow myself to feel hope that this Minbari differs from Shitaro.

He whispers soothingly, "I want you to rest and recover."

"Do you honestly mean that?" I ask, still not convinced. This is just another game and shortly Shitaro will enter the room and laugh at my stupidity.

"Yes, I do," Neroon says soothingly, while stroking my hair. "I am not like Shitaro."

Involuntarily I flinch at the touch. No matter how gentle Neroon is, I remember Shitaro touching me, hurting me. "This is a nice dream," I whisper eventually, relieved the physical pain has lessened. "I don't want to wake up to the nightmare ever again... But I can't be that lucky." Drained, my eyes close as the tender caress calms me down. Letting go of consciousness I drift into the blackness of my mind.

Neroon fights the tear that threatens to slip down his cheek. "This is no dream," he whispers crestfallen. "And the nightmare will =never= return." Neroon traces the outline of a dark bruise. "I will protect you," he says, repeating his promise.

During the next hours bad dreams disturb my sleep and I never realize that Langer administers me a neural suppressive to calm me down.

"Try to make him eat this," Langar says and places a large bowl of warm soup near the bed. "I will be close at all times."

"Marcus? Can you hear me?" Neroon says concerned.

Slowly, the voice penetrates my mind and I shudder. Although the tone is gentle I know better than to trust anyone.

"Open your eyes?" Neroon asks pleadingly.

Used to being obedient I open them and freeze seeing the Minbari this close. My body goes into contractions and the sudden spasms make it hard for me to lie still. The Minbari didn't tell me I was allowed to move about.

"I am Neroon," he says in a soft voice, suspecting I probably have no idea who he is. "You need to eat something, Marcus."

My stomach objects hearing that statement, telling me it will reject all food. "Too sick," I whisper and suck in my breath, realizing I protested his order. About to ask for forgiveness I lower my eyes and wait for the unavoidable punishment. As I try moving my fingers I discover I can't. It

feels like they are bandaged, but the pain is gone so I don't question whatever the Minbari did to me. Being without pain gives my body a chance to rest.

"You must," Neroon says determined, "and I will help you. Do not fear me, Marcus," he instructs, repeating my name all the time. "You need to sit up to drink the soup."

"Please don't," I stutter as resolved hands gently pull me upright. I panic as Neroon sits down on the side of the platform.

"Lean against me for support." Neroon says.

Apparently he sees panic flashing in my eyes, as his tone turns soft. Taking hold of the bowl filled with vegetable soup he waits for me to lean my back against his chest. I'm in pain sitting up like this without any support.

"Rest your back against me," Neroon pleads again, aware he can't force me to accept his help.

Utterly confused and scared I can't help leaning back as my broken ribs push the air from my lungs. Sensing another warm body against mine memories come crashing in. Terrified I freeze, unable to breathe, afraid Neroon will change his mind and... I don't think I can survive taking the pain again which still feels very real and I close my eyes, telling myself I'm not here.

"Drink," Neroon instructs. But slowly."

The blanket drops because of my movement and partly reveals bruised skin. Feeling terribly exposed I remain motionless. All initiative has been beaten out of me and I simply wait for Neroon to tell me what to do. Neroon needs one hand to hold the bowl and his other is curled tightly across my shoulders. Making a decision he places the bowl at my lips and tells me to drink slowly.

"It will help you get your strength back."

I swallow automatically, never thinking about refusing to eat the soup. Slowly, the warm soup warms my cold insides and suddenly I realize it actually has a pleasant taste. Wanting more, I greedily drink half of the soup, relishing the warmth running down my sore throat. Feeling relieved, the tension slips away from my shoulders.

Pleased Neroon smiles as I gulp down the healthy soup. "Slowly," he says softly.

Disappointed I look into the now empty bowl and wish Neroon would offer me more of that delicious soup, but knowing my place I don't ask. Neroon places the bowl on the platform and then pulls up the blanket and tucks me in.

Looking down I wonder about my gloved hands. A strange sensation emanates from them. It isn't pain, but...

"These gloves slowly push your broken bones back into their correct position. You will need surgery later on as the broken bones already started to settle into the wrong positions before I managed to get you out. Same goes for your broken ankles," Neroon explains patiently.

"Warm," I whisper, scared to somehow defy him. Shitaro made it very clear he didn't ever want to hear my voice, but I want to thank this Minbari for feeding me.

Not expecting that remark Neroon cocks his head to catch the look in my eyes. "What's warm? The soup? Was it too hot?"

"No," I quickly reply, afraid to irritate him. "I feel warm."

"That's good, isn't it?" Neroon inquires.

"Yes." Tired I rest my head against his shoulder and curl up in his arms. I risk Neroon getting angry with me, but I'm beyond frightened. Tears fight to surface in my eyes and I try holding them back, but a moment later they drip from my chin. Neroon senses the moisture on his hands and tightens the embrace, instinctively knowing what happened.

"You are safe," he says. "No one will hurt you. You're under my protection, Marcus."

As he strokes my dark hair I feel comforted. "I..." Afraid to believe his words I hold my breath. Is this the truth? Am I really safe from Shitaro? Am I beyond his reach? Shudders rack my body as other thoughts crush in. What if Neroon is lying? What if he wants my body which Shitaro took that violently as well? What if he is luring me into safety? I can trust no one.

Somebody clears his throat and I don't dare to look up. Instead I bury my face between Neroon's clothes. I curl myself into a ball, as small as my injuries allow me too. Please, don't hurt me, I plead privately, fearing Shitaro entered the room.

"This is Langar, my personal physician. He will monitor your recovery, Marcus," Neroon says in a kind tone. "No need to be afraid, Marcus."

I can't believe him. There's too much fear inside me and I press myself even closer to his body. "Don't hurt me, please," I whisper in despair, remembering the pain Shitaro always brought with him into my cell.

"Marcus, look up."

Fingers cup my chin and I immediately give in, trying to avoid another beating. Neroon raises my face and my eyes locate the old Minbari in the doorway. His long beard strikes me as odd and I sigh distressed. What kind of game is Shitaro playing here?

"I am Langar," the physician says slowly. "You need to take your medication, Marcus."

I don't react to his words. I simply remain limp in his arms. Maybe Neroon will protect me; at least he offered me food and warmth.

Walking over to the place where he keeps his meds, Langar fills a glass with water and then returns. "Take these," he tells Neroon, "and make sure Marcus swallows them." Then he silently leaves the room.

"Open your mouth," Neroon orders in a soft tone and places the pills on the tip of my tongue, "and now drink."

The water flows into my throat and I cringe as my jaw acts up in pain. Shitaro ripped out my fake tooth and it still hurts after all this time. Obediently, I empty the glass and swallow the pills. What will Neroon do next? Fear builds in my stomach as I realize that Neroon can do all the things Shitaro did to me and I start to throw up the water I just drank.

Surprised, Neroon quickly picks up the empty bowl and places it at my lips.

"Don't fight it," he advises and holds me tight. "This is just a physical reaction after everything you went through. You know that. I'm here... I will care for you," he assures me.

Managing to keep most of the soup inside I finally calm down hearing Neroon's words of assurance. I have no other option than to do as I'm told. Dry heaves rock my body and I cling to Neroon for support, resting my useless hands in my lap. Neroon rubs my back in long strokes and that intimate gesture shocks me, yet at the same time... it soothes me. His touch doesn't intimidate me, but it propels me back to Shitaro pushing me down. His hands continue to rub my back and I spit into the bowl one last time as my body settles down again. "Thank you," I whisper. Shitaro would certainly punish me for acting this way. Closing my eyes I tremble in his arms and surrender to the sensation of him stroking my back. Goose flesh appears all over my body as I wonder what reward he will claim for comforting me.

"I will tell Langar to feed you the medication intravenously," Neroon says compassionately and helps me lie down again. "You need to sleep as much as you can."

"The nightmares..." I object and close my eyes in fear.

"Tell me about them," Neroon instructs. "Please trust me."

"Tell you?" I repeat. "How can I ever tell you?" Lying on my back makes me uncomfortable and I try to roll over onto my left side. Suddenly hands are helping me roll over and I bury my face in the pillow. Tears continue to flow down my cheeks and I start to pant as images from the past slam into the present.

"You can," Neroon says reassuringly.

In his eyes my own vulnerability stares back at me.

"You must."

"No," I whisper shocked. How can I tell Neroon what Shitaro did to me?

"Try, Marcus," Neroon says and opens his arms.

I move towards him. My need for contact baffles me. Wrapping his arms around me he pulls me back in his lap. The close physical doesn't scare me, as I realize he can take me whenever he wants to. Nothing can stop Neroon if his mind is set. But I desperately need to know I'm not alone. As Neroon carefully slides his arm underneath my knees to pull me close I don't resist.

"Tell me, Marcus."

Neroon folds his arms around me after settling onto the platform. He tucks my head underneath his chin and I sigh strangled. Panicking I shake violently in his embrace. Shitaro's words return to me and I repeat them. "I'm worthless. I'm nothing... I've got no name..."

Neroon shakes his head. Saddened he says, "You're a ranger and your name is Marcus. You bested me in Down Below."

"No," I exclaim in a frenzy. "That was someone else!"

Neroon raises my head and looks into my eyes. Quickly I look away, embarrassed beyond reason. "I'm nothing. I'm a whore," I repeat constantly.

"Do not believe what Shitaro beat in to you!" Neroon says determined.

"Hurt me," I suddenly whisper for no apparent reason, "punish me, hurt me."

"No," Neroon stutters, fighting his anger. "Don't punish yourself for Shitaro's crimes. He will answer for his crimes eventually."

"Then kill me," I mumble afraid. Nothing makes sense any more. The calm that washed through me earlier is gone, because Neroon insisted I told him about my nightmares, about the things which Shitaro did to me.

"That's no solution either," Neroon points out. "You will recover, heal in time. You cannot expect your mind to recuperate this quickly. Let me guide you, help you."

I struggle in his arms to free myself. The struggle is futile as I lack the necessary strength.

"Stay," Neroon says and kisses dark hair.

I tense up in his arms. Did he really kiss me?

"Rest, Marcus."

His soothing, hypnotic voice calms me down and I stop fighting him. "Don't hurt me," I say again as fatigue returns, together with the fear.

"I won't," Neroon promises.

Pressing my hands against the bandages around my ribcage I tremble in fear. Finally my mind can't take any more and shuts down.

PART 5

NEROON

I briefly leave the medical facility to instruct my crew and I also send a message to Shakiri, telling him that personal matters take precedence at the present and I hope Shitaro hasn’t informed Shakiri yet that I demanded Marcus being handed over to me.

Returning to the medical facility I find Marcus in the process of waking up. The sedative has worn off for the most part and Langar signals me to softly approach the platform. I still wonder why humans prefer to sleep at this angle, which tempts death. Are they so eager to die? I sit down in my chair and watch Langar change the IV-bags. A large pillow has been placed underneath Marcus’ head and eases his troubled breathing.

I know from personal experience that Marcus will react hysterically for the next few days to anyone close to him and I feel truly honered by the obvious trust he placed in me during these last hours. It must be hard on him to depend on a Minbari warrior after Shitaro hurt him that badly.

Up until now I refused to think about Narrier, the lover I lost in the Earth-Minbari war. Narrier was young and cocky when the humans took him prisoner. They used tactics similar to what Shitaro applied to break Marcus and suddenly I remember we copied their methods after finding out what they did to our brethren.

Narrier took his life 4 months after we freed him and his crew. I had to tell Narrier all the time who I was, as he thought I was one of his tormentors and Langar had to force-feed him all those months. Narrier pushed me away, shut me out because shame had taken over. He was too far-gone to accept guidance. I still hear the whispered apology as I found him near death in our quarters that fateful night.

Looking at Marcus I know recovery will take a lifetime. The only bright spot is that Marcus thus far accepted my help contrary to Narrier. I don’t know why Marcus reaches out to me in this way, but I thank Valen he allows me in. Valen, let this be a good sign. Marcus is too young to die. My heart pounds loudly. Narrier never allowed me this close. Narrier kept me at a distance and froze every time I tried to touch him.

Marcus is still asleep and gently I place my hand on his brow to convince myself his fever is gone. "Sleep, Marcus," I whisper, leaning in closer and plant another soft kiss on his brow. I fell in love with him during Denn’sha but never had to chance to express that emotion. Now I must act like I don’t possess these feelings for Marcus’ sake or I will chase him away. Marcus pushes himself deeper into the comfort of the pillow. If only Narrier had reacted this way! I had been prepared and determined to help Narrier through the ordeal, but Narrier isolated himself instead. Marcus however isn’t shutting me out and that might save his life.

Anger aimed at Shitaro rises in my throat as Marcus’ earlier words torment me. [I’m nothing, worthless.] They twirl in my mind and I cringe, remembering the hurt in Marcus’ voice. But you’re asleep now, I muse and smile seeing Marcus’ fluttering eyes. The neural suppressive Langar gave him will remain effective for a few more hours.

"You should rest as well," Langar says.

I nod my head. "I know, but I cannot leave him. I want to be here should he wake up unexpectedly."

"Narrier’s death almost destroyed you as well."

Langar is right. After mourning his death for all these cycles I still bleed inside. "Marcus offers me a second chance," I say determined. "I won’t let him down."

"His survival depends on your determination," Langar agrees.

"Then let me stay here," I sigh and close my eyes, trying to banish Narrier’s face from memory.

"I fear for your sanity should Marcus die," Langar admits honestly.

"I can deal with it," I assure him, though I’m not sure I’m telling the truth. I’m growing attached to Marcus and shortly I will have to make this official.

"Then stay," Langar replies and walks over to Marcus to change his catheter bag and adjusts the drips. "Inform me when he wakes up."

"I will," I promise. I appreciate the fact that Langar gives me some privacy. As the healer leaves the room I gently stroke Marcus’ hair. He can’t hear me and I feel confident enough to address him.

"Love is a strange emotion," I muse, "and hits one when you least expect it. I’m attracted to you, Marcus and though I know you don’t feel the same way I want to help you recover."

Moving over to the com console I access my personal files and write a message addressed to the Great Library at Yedor. "My entire family died in the Earth-Minbari war." I continue, "There’s no family I can shame by sending this official declaration stating that you’re now part of my clan. Shitaro will at some point uncover the truth and demand your extradition. This way I can protect you. And when you’re ready to return to Babylon 5 I will let you go. I want you to live the life you envisioned for yourself before Shitaro got his hands on you."

Sending the message I realize there is no way back and I sit down on the platform, close to Marcus. "Do you need me?" I whisper and slip my hand underneath his neck.

Marcus stirs and I suck in my breath. Did he hear my confession? "Marcus?"

"Scared…"

Is the only answer I get. "Don’t be scared," I assure him and pull him close again. Sitting upright I support his body that feels awfully cold in spite of the warming blanket. Marcus immediately snuggles up to me and a strangled sigh leaves his lips.

"Warm…"

Smiling, I envision strangling Shitaro after beating him to near death with my Denn’bok. For a long time I wanted to kill the humans who tortured Narrier and now I find myself in love with one.

Leaning against the wall with my back I assume a more comfortable position and ensure the IV’s aren’t cut off. Pulling the blanket back in place I cherish the feel of him this close. "Sleep, dream of pleasant things," I whisper and bury my face in his locks. Briefly I feel like I’m betraying Narrier, but he has been dead for many cycles and I need to move on.

I don’t expect Marcus to love me back. After the trauma he went through he will never again trust a Minbari male and certainly not a warrior. I damn Shitaro and know he killed Marcus’ fierce spirit.

The rangers call it Moradum, the application of terror. Originally it was a warrior caste tradition. They adopted it, seeing the truth in facing one’s worst fears. Marcus will have to face Shitaro after he recovered or he will be damaged for the rest of his life. Closing my eyes I concentrate on his pounding heartbeat beneath my fingers and assured he’s alive and recovering I follow Langar’s advice and allow myself to drift off into sleep as well.

Marcus moves about in my arms and that wakes me. I quickly open my eyes to see what’s causing his discomfort. "Marcus?" Looking at his face I notice tears flowing down his cheeks. "Did you have a nightmare?" I thought the medication would prevent him from dreaming.

"No, no nightmare," Marcus whispers and tries wiping away his tears, but only manages to raise his arm halfway.

"Then tell me what’s wrong," I insist and secretly push the button that will alert Langar that he’s needed in here. "Look at me," I say determined and don’t give in before his eyes meet mine. They are filled with agony and I wish there’s a way to free him of his pain.

"I don’t want to live any more," Marcus mumbles.

My heart turns cold. "Don’t say that," I admonish him softly, "There is so much to live for."

"Like what?" Marcus asks angrily and raises his head.

"You’re a ranger," I start, but he cuts me off.

"I =was= a ranger!" he yelps in despair. "Now I’m… nothing."

"No," I object. "In your heart you will always be a ranger." I want to tell him that I know what he’s going through, but he won’t believe me. Hurt as he is, he can’t believe someone else went through the same pain. I can’t blame him.

"I can never return to Babylon 5," Marcus continues in an upset tone. "My presence would be an insult to Delenn and they’ll avoid me, treat me with pity… I don’t want that."

"Then stay with me," I offer in a heartbeat.

"How can you stand looking at me?" Marcus asks in a broken tone.

"You are beautiful to me," I reply honestly. "Shitaro… " Hearing that name sends Marcus off in a raving frenzy and he whispers incoherently. "Marcus, calm down," I say and remember he liked me rubbing his back. Using that knowledge to my advantage I slip my right hand underneath the blanket to stroke his back and shoulders and the tactic works. How can it be that my touch assures him he’s safe? Narrier went berserk whenever I accidentally touched bare skin as it sent him off into the past.

"Beautiful?" Marcus questions, "I’m a whore… you should treat me like that and not…"

"I understand your anger," I tell him, "But don’t aim it at yourself." I do understand what he’s doing. By assuming the role Shitaro pushed him into he doesn’t have to face his rescue.

"At whom should I aim it then? Shitaro? He’ll laugh in my face and make me submit in a moment… and I can’t be mad at you," Marcus admits and stars to sob openly.

"Be mad at Shitaro, be angry at the Universe or Delenn who sent you on this mission. No, listen," I chide him as he jumps to Delenn’s defence. "Shitaro hurt you. You’re the victim, Marcus." I tried telling Narrier he wasn’t to blame for what the humans did to him, but he never listened.

"Yes, he hurt me," Marcus mumbles slowly.

Surprised, I sense his arms sneaking up my back to pull me closer. I’ve got to be careful now.

"You’ll hurt me too, Neroon." Marcus whispers and lifts his moist face to look at me.

"No," I whisper, "never." This is just the first test I need to pass so he will trust me. There will be many others.

Finally Langar arrives with another bowl of soup, hands it to me and leaves us alone, knowing that I connected to Marcus in a way he never can. "Here, eat," I instruct and push away some stray locks. "You must be hungry."

Disbelief stares back at me as I place the bowl at his lips. This time he takes his time to empty the bowl as he realizes that I’ll let him finish it. "Empty it completely," I tell him and he complies at once. Putting the bowl down I study his lucid eyes. He tries hiding the hurt, but it shines like a dark light from the bottom of his soul. "You didn’t answer my question," I remind him. There’s a distinct possibility he forgot about it.

"Question?" he whispers embarrassed.

"Will you stay with me as you do not wish you return to Babylon 5?"I remind him.

"Do I have a choice?" he wants to know. "Where else can I go? Back to Shitaro’s cell perhaps?"

Anguish speaks from his words and I rock him in my arms. "Quiet now, you’re safe here and I’m honored to have you for a guest."

The sobbing begins again and I revert to stroking his back. We sit like this for long moments and all I know is that he needs me. "Why don’t you go back to sleep?" I ask, concerned because he’s this emotional. The wounds are too raw to address yet.

"Sleep, yes," he whispers and rests his head against my chest.

His trust in me baffles me and I’m determined to honor it.

Hours later I carefully get up from the platform, as I need to stretch my body. My muscles ache and slowly I pace the room. Looking at Marcus I’m relieved he’s still soundly asleep. It’s been 36 hours now since I found him and already I feel confident that he will survive Shitaro’s torture.

Narrier had already gone in to terrible fits of anger aimed at himself by now and was beyond my reach no matter how hard I tried.

Marcus needs a distraction as long as he’s confined to bed. Left to his thoughts he’ll focus on Shitaro and what he went through and that will drive him insane. I have to find an activity that will keep him occupied. Maybe I can teach him the warrior caste language and have him read Tee’la.

Langar arrives again and checks on Marcus’ IV’s and injects new medication. After Marcus threw up the pills Langar decided to supply him the medication in this way.

"I want an update on his medical condition," I tell Langar and gesture him to join me in the corridor. I can’t take the risk of Marcus hearing our conversation, not knowing what it is Langar will share with me.

"Neroon," Langar starts after closing the door until it is only ajar. "Marcus is healing, but…"

"Tell me more about his physical condition," I ask, knowing this also takes my friend back to the past and I wonder whether he’s afraid to see Marcus end his life too.

"His injuries," Langar says in a worried tone, "his broken ribs have started to mend. The bandage keeps them in place, but they will hamper him for one or two more weeks."

I nod my head in acknowledgement.

"His hands and ankles are a different matter. Without surgery he will limp and using his hands will be difficult at best." Langar raises his hands to demonstrate the places where Marcus’ wrists are broken.

"What about his internal injuries from the sexual abuse?" I cringe slightly, going through a deja vu.

"The bowel damage is repaired," Langar replies in a calm tone. "We both know it’s his emotional state we need to worry about."

"Very true," I agree. "He doesn’t reject my presence," I ponder aloud.

"A good sign," Langar admits, "But you have to be careful, my friend. Marcus already depends on you."

"I know," I sigh. "But I rather have him depend on me than pushing me away and shutting me out."

"Did you already talk to him about returning to his own people?" Langar asks while keeping a close eye on his patient through the window.

"He wants to stay. Marcus is afraid to face his friends." Walking over to Langar to study Marcus I add, "I sent a message to Yedor, declaring him part of my clan in case Shitaro dares to reclaim him."

Langar nods his head once. "You know the caste will find out you took him in."

"I’m alone, the last of my dynasty. I shame no one with this action," I explain.

"He’s waking up," Langar realizes.

The compassion I see in his eyes assures me he’ll back me up all the way.

"You should go to him. He will be scared, waking up all alone," Langar suggests.

I know it’s the truth. "One more question. How much longer must he stay in bed?"

"At least one more week," Langar replies, worried. "Don’t rush him, Neroon."

"I won’t," I reassure my friend and then step back into Marcus’ room. His eyes are searching the room, panic alight in them. He lifts his head hearing me enter and I smell his fear. Eyes wide he stares at my uniform. Inwardly I curse myself. I should have changed into robes.

"Neroon?" he says softly, uncertain whether he’s allowed to speak aloud. Narrier showed the same characteristics as Marcus does now. Anger, fear, listlessness, helplessness.

"Yes, I am here," I reply and walk over to the platform. "How are you? Are you in pain?"

Marcus appears to mentally check his injuries, as he lies unmoving. "No, no real pain," he replies at last.

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable?" I offer and I already know the answer.

"Your… clothes," Marcus whispers and trembles at the sight of my outfit.

"Look at my face instead," I advise, planning on changing my clothes the next time he falls asleep. Marcus obeys at once and lifts his green eyes. "Would you like something to drink?" I inquire.

"Yes," he admits shyly and pushes himself in a sitting position. I can tell he’s still hurting as he hisses his pain.

"Let me assist you." I walk over to him and pull him close. Hesitantly he rests his body against my chest. Pushing the pillow into place I help him rest his back against it. "Better?"

"Yes," Marcus admits.

His lowered eyes make me feel angry with Shitaro. "You can look at me, talk to me," I assure him, but know it will take a long time before he can act normally again. Damn you, Shitaro for breaking him! One day we’ll face Shitaro together and Marcus must challenge him to Denn’sha to get back his sense of self-worth. All I can do in the meantime is to help him recover.

"I’m afraid," he whispers and seems to shrink into himself.

"I know," I reply and slowly cup his chin in my hand. I need to convince him that he won’t be punished for looking at me. As I raise his chin Marcus trembles violently. I sit down next to him and cock my head as our eyes finally meet. "See? Nothing bad happens," and I catch his evasive eyes with mine.

"You’re kind," Marcus stutters and tears appear in his eyes.

His ability to cry and show his vulnerability still takes me aback. It will keep him safe from the darkness in his mind. "Let me comfort you," I offer and open my arms. Marcus hesitates and finally I pull him close. "I won’t hurt you, Marcus."

"If only I could believe you!" Marcus cries out.

I know he wants to believe me, but has been hurt too badly to trust again. "Give it time," I say reassuringly. "We will face your past together." Marcus sobs uncontrollably in my arms and I stroke his hair. As he relieves himself tremors shake his body. "Don’t be ashamed for needing medical attention," I chide him softly. Melting into my embrace he shakes his head.

"I don’t deserve to live."

His words cut my heart in two. Nothing I say will change his mind, but I’ve got to try. "You deserve happiness, revenge for what they did to you."

"Happiness?" Marcus repeats baffled. "Look at me! No one who knows what happens to me will ever want to touch me! I’ll be alone for the rest of my life! I’ll never know love."

I catch the undertone to his words and lock eyes with him. He reluctantly gives in and shyly returns my stare. "Explain yourself."

"I… always wanted to wait for that special person to be intimate with for the first time," he chokes out and hides deeper in my embrace.

Struck by the unfairness of that revelation I state, "Shitaro took your innocence."

"Yes," Marcus admits.

For the first time I notice the simmering anger beneath his scared expression.

"He raped me!" Marcus yelps, nearly hysterical. "He had his guards taking turns raping me! I couldn’t fight them off… In the end I offered myself to Shitaro!"

"Marcus," I say, trying to calm him down. "You hurt tremendously, I know that, but you need to heal, not to tear yourself apart."

"It hurts!"

Marcus sobs and stares into my eyes. The things Shitaro did to him appal me and my arms wrap themselves even tighter around him, protectively, possessively.

"It hurts so much… They raped me…"

Hearing him repeat it all over again I sigh relieved. Narrier denied too many times what they did to him, at least Marcus is facing it. "Hush, Marcus," I start and his raving stops. "I’ll care for you…"

"I’ll need a lot of your care… seems hardly fair for you to spend this much time with me," Marcus objects and suddenly struggles to get away.

Holding my breath I know what’s doing. "Don’t shut me out, Marcus. I promised to stand by you."

"Noooo," he yelps as pain makes him give in and he stops fighting.

"Your injuries still hamper you," I realize and wipe away his tears with my fingertips.

"Don’t leave me," he pleads and I draw in some deep breaths. The first emotional storm has passed. He accepts me as his emotional support. "I will stay with you as long as you want me to," I promise sincerely, "But now you should eat and drink something."

As on cue Langar enters with a tray. Marcus pushes himself closer towards me and I feel bandages underneath my fingers. "Langar wants to help you too," I remind him; certain Marcus doesn’t remember me introducing him to the physician.

Langar places the tray on the side of the platform. It’s filled with Minbari fruit, soup and Nata.

"Eat something." I take one of the fruits and peel it. Then I offer the soft flesh to Marcus. "You don’t need to chew," I assure him, knowing his jaw must still hurt.

Gingerly, Marcus takes a bite out of it.

"Do you like it?" I want to know.

"It’s sweet," Marcus comments and continues to eat the rest.

Smiling at Langar I feel relieved and I notice a similar expression on his face. We’re both hopeful Marcus will recover, but it will be a long and painful way getting there.

PART 6

MARCUS

Neroon settles down into the chair after I ate most of the food items that the older Minbari brought me. I still have a hard time remembering names. The way he looks at me I can tell he is concerned and that touches something deep inside of me. Maybe I’m not that worthless after all.

"Can I ask you a question?" My tone is hesitant, as I’m still apprehensive about addressing him, remembering Shitaro’s wide range of punishment.

"Of course you can," Neroon replies and smiles reassuringly.

"Why help me?" Pushing myself into the pillow helps me to stay seated upright and I weakly return that smile. These last hours came as a surprise. I never expected to escape Shitaro’s prison and Neroon… I now remember everything that happened in Down Below and med lab later on. One can’t say we parted as friends, but I don’t have any other choice as to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Neroon’s eyes waver and I feel like I crossed a line. What am I doing, asking such a personal question? I should be content being alive, warm and fed! "Ignore that question," I say ashamed. "I have no right to ask you that."

"I…"

It’s the first time ever I hear him stumble over his words and I wonder why. "I’m sorry." I start, "I never wanted to ask…" He cuts me short.

"I once lost someone very close to me because he was tortured the same way you were."

I never expected that revelation and bite my lip. "I’m sorry," I repeat, realizing I conjured up some painful memories.

"You asked and I told you the truth," Neroon said. "Do not feel embarrassed about it."

"Thank you," I reply and look down the blanket to escape his gaze. The gloves, which cover my hands, feel odd and I know socks of similar fabric support my ankles. I’m still not used to the catheter, but realize I need it. I can’t walk or get out of bed.

Neroon surprises me most though. I remember his arrogance, but little is left of that now. As he sits next to the platform I remember him holding me when I was hysterical. I can’t help wondering whether he really cares for me or if it’s just an act. Maybe it’s only because he feels morally obliged to help me because we fought that day.

Shifting slightly on the platform I feel thankful that someone rigged it horizontal. My body still aches, though the terrible pain I experienced in Shitaro’s cell is gone. "I didn’t thank you yet for…" My voice falters. I still can’t pronounce Shitaro’s name aloud. "For getting me out of there." Neroon simply nods his head and I notice the hurt in his eyes. Somehow my pain affects him too. "I never thought you…"

"Care enough for a human to free him from Shitaro’s claws?"

Neroon finishes the sentence for me and I cringe hearing that name. "Yes," I admit and realize how little I know about him.

"I don’t blame you," Neroon continues, "I must have appeared very arrogant and self centered the day we fought."

I can’t repress the smile that forces itself onto my face. "That’s an understatement."

Neroon chuckles and relieved I join in. For one moment I was scared he would take it as an insult.

"You’re right again," Neroon says and his smile brightens.

Seeing that smile surprises me. What really baffles me is to see him in brown robes. After I mentioned to him that his uniform made me uncomfortable he changed his clothing.

Watching the fluids drip through the IV’s I wonder what they’re feeding me. But I feel calm and pleasantly relaxed so I decide not to bother to ask. "How long have I been here?" I want to know instead.

"Almost three days," Neroon replies. "You were asleep most of that time."

I know he wants to address Shitaro, find out why I was onboard in the first place, but I can’t face the pain yet. "I apologize for my behavior," I whisper, remembering screaming at him, sobbing in his arms. I lost all control and I feel ashamed for doing so. Why didn’t Neroon reject me? Hand me over to his medical staff? Why take care of me personally? These questions torment me, but I’m too shy to ask him.

"You seem better," Neroon says and smiles.

"Yes, I am," I reply and then tremble slightly, realizing I’ve got to add something. "Thanks to you," I whisper shakily.

Neroon smiles at me and I avert my eyes.

"Why are you avoiding my eyes?" he asks curiously.

I start to blush for no apparent reason. "I don’t know," I whisper and close my eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" Neroon asks and pulls his chair closer to the platform.

Involuntarily I flinch back. "I hate the smell in here," I admit in a lost moment and I’m scared I sound ungrateful.

"I understand, but Langar wants you near. Maybe I can arrange for you to be moved to another room?" he offers.

I wonder why he wants to help me. I’m thirsty, but feel awkward asking Neroon to wait on me. After all he’s an Alit and… [Never address the Alit! Lower your eyes!] The words kick in without warning, and hurt, I curl myself into a ball. "Get out of my head!" I whisper in dread.

Neroon acts at once and the next moment he’s beside me, sitting on the platform. He doesn’t touch me, but just sits there as if waiting for me to tell him what to do. I groan as my memories return to haunt me, my stomach contracts in pain, reliving the abuse.

"Will you let me hold you? Comfort you?" Neroon asks and I don’t know how to react. I know he soothed me before, rocked me in his arms and his hypnotic stroking of my back calmed me down. I don’t even want to know why he has this kind of effect on me. He scares me gutless, being a Minbari warrior and yet…

"Yes," I whisper, as the pain becomes unbearable. Surrendering to his strength I allow him to pull me close and I bury my face in his robes, which feel soft.

After gathering me in his arms he soothingly strokes my back and I shiver in his arms. Why do I reach out to him like this? Knowing he can overpower me in a second, I tremble.

"Marcus," he whispers and then grows silent.

I wonder what he wanted to say. His body feels warm and I find myself snuggling up to him. As before he pulls me into his lap and I feel content, suddenly realizing why I allow this. "You’ll protect me… You won’t hurt me…"Surprised, Neroon locks eyes with me, and this time I don’t shy away. The answer is in his eyes. I’m right. "You care for me?"

"Yes," he simply replies and offers no other explanation.

Drowsy I fight to stay awake. "Is your physician feeding me sleeping meds?"

Exchanging a look with Langar who is standing in the corridor Neroon sees the nod. Dealing with Narrier’s trauma taught him to never lie. "Yes."

"Are you always this honest?" I wonder and close my eyes completely. I’m safe in his arms and can let go of the fear.

"No, not always," Neroon chuckles as I slowly doze off.

"So what’s different about me?" I ask. My speech is slightly slurred due to fatigue.

"You deserve the truth."

"Thanks," I whisper and smile as I finally succumb to sleep.

Opening my eyes I look about questioningly. Neroon is no longer at my side and my stomach growls in hunger. Cocking my head I search the room and finally realize I hear voices in the corridor. I immediately recognize Neroon’s. Reassured he’s close I try raising my right arm. Although it hurts I manage to lift it halfway. Bending is still impossible and I try moving my fingers slightly. The resulting ache stops me and I release the breath I’ve been holding. I’m a long way from being healed.

I stare at the wall and suddenly I realize I’m no longer in the same room! The walls are bright yellow and the sickly sterile smell is gone. They moved me and I didn’t even notice it! An IV has been removed, but one needle is still attached to my left lower arm. They didn’t insert it into the back of my hand, as the bones must heal. The catheter remains though and that tells me they don’t expect me to leave my bed shortly. Bed, I muse, rigged platform is more like it! But the pillow underneath my neck and head is at the precise angle to relieve the pressure on my broken ribs.

Suddenly, uninvited, Shitaro’s voice penetrates my thoughts. [You’re worthless, nothing, my whore!] If only that voice would stop yelling at me! Panicking I throw my arms into the air to cover my ears. "Stop screaming," I beg and tears slide down my face.

Neroon notices me waking up and immediately hurries inside.

"Please, help me?" I plead and roll over onto my left side to assume a foetal position, which makes me feel somewhat safe.

"I’m here," Neroon says, "What upset you?"

"I keep hearing Shitaro’s voice," I confess and sob uncontrollably.

"He can’t hurt you any longer, Marcus," Neroon says reassuringly. "He doesn’t even know you’re alive."

"Please hold me," I beg and feel guilty about staining his robes with my tears. Immediately his embrace tightens and all I want to remain like this forever.

"I’m holding you," Neroon says softly.

I’m once more surprised as he gently places a kiss on my hair. "How can you stand touching me?" I whisper upset.

"You’re the victim, Marcus. You’re not to blame. I want to help you heal," Neroon explains in a compassionate tone.

"Heal?" I echo, "I will never heal."

"You will," Neroon states determined and forces me look up. "It will take a long time, but you =will= heal!"

"Just hold me," I murmur embarrassed for being this weak.

Neroon nods his head. "You will heal!"

Somewhere along the line I fall asleep again.

I’m amazed at the amount of sleep I’m getting. Maybe it’s my body simply shutting down, perhaps it’s part of the healing process, but the next few days this is how I survive.

I wake up for a short time and Neroon is there, he always is. He usually offers me soup or fruit to eat, reassures me I’m safe and then I drift off into sleep again.

"Marcus?"

Neroon’s voice wakes me from my shallow sleep and I immediately open my eyes. I no longer flinch seeing him sit at my side. He’s still wearing robes. I haven’t seen him in a warrior caste uniform for days and I appreciate his thoughtfulness. Slightly dizzy I fight to sit up and eventually Neroon helps me. A tiny part of me is still scared when he’s this close, but I know he won’t harm me. Why, I don’t know.

"How long?" I mumble, moistening my chapped lips. These last days are nothing but a string of sleepy moments intertwined with waking sensations. My question confuses him and I try again, "How long have I been asleep? Been here?"

"You’ve have been here for nearly 2 weeks now."

Neroon’s answer takes my breath away. "That long?" I reply, "I thought it was only a few days!"

"Sleep aids the healing process," Neroon explains patiently.

I remember his admission that they’re giving me sleeping meds. Another voice carries through the room and this time I flinch.

"You remember Langar, don’t you?" Neroon asks.

I quickly search my memory. The name sounds familiar, but…

"My personal physician?"

Suddenly I remember the old Minbari who was in here a few times during the moments I was awake. "Yes, I do," I reply and search the room. Langar stands behind Neroon and I immediately look into his eyes. They’re kind and I relax somewhat. If they had wanted to hurt me, they had the chance to do so from the moment I came onboard. Instead they truly seem to care for me.

"I need to examine you, Marcus and I need you conscious," Langar says in a soft tone.

"Examine me?" I repeat slightly afraid and quickly look into Neroon’s eyes. "You’ll stay, please?"

Neroon appears embarrassed. "I want to give you some privacy," he starts.

But something in my eyes tells him I’m terrified.

"I’ll stay," he then gives in.

I sigh relieved. In a reflex I try reaching out for his hand and I’m stunned to find that my right arm actually moves. Neroon looks pleased seeing me move about. "Look," I whisper and manage to flex some of my fingers.

"Don’t overdo it," Neroon warns.

His smile has a surprising effect on me and I return it. For a brief moment I wish I could stay here forever. Langar picks up a small medical scanner and runs it over my body. I fight to stay calm and unmoving. Not knowing the outcome I wonder how much longer I’ll be confined to bed. Remembering they broke my ankles I know I won’t be able to walk for at least a few weeks more.

"Can you raise both your arms for me?" Langar asks concerned.

"I’ll try," I say and manage again to partly lift them, but they feel heavy and I have to lower them again.

"Good, you’re making progress," Langar says pleased.

I bite down the ugly memory of Shitaro telling me the same thing. I don’t want him in my head and desperate I stare into Neroon’s warm eyes instead. Something must have given me away as his smile grows sad.

"And now your legs," Langar signals Neroon who slowly pulls the blanket up to my knees.

"Can you lift them?"

Momentarily petrified I stare at my bruised shins and swallow hard. I’ll never forget the moment the guard broke my ankles with his bare hands. Lifting them hurts and I‘ve got to give in and lower them back onto the bed again.

"I expected as much," Langar says, but doesn’t seem overly concerned.

Only now I realize the last IV has been removed and I look up questioningly.

"Yes, I stopped administering you sleeping medication," Langar admits. Turning to Neroon, "You can take him to your quarters."

"His quarters?" I ask stunned. What’s going on here? Why would Neroon want to do that? I belong here, not in his rooms.

"I want you out of this medical facility," Neroon says in a kind tone. "As long as you’re here you’ll feel crippled."

"I’ll always feel…" I’m scared to end that sentence as Neroon looks at me in a displeased way and by Valen, I don’t want to anger him. He’s all I’ve got left at the moment.

"Neroon will help you should you need to go to the bathroom," Langar continues.

I find myself nodding obediently.

"I will also remove the catheter." Langar asks Neroon, "When will you leave?"

"The moment he’s ready to go."

Neroon’s answer makes me feel apprehensive. I don’t want to leave this secure place, but my mind tells me that is why they’re doing it. It’s time to face the truth.

"Then I’ll remove it now."

My eyes quickly close hearing that answer. I don’t want to see myself naked. The thought disgusts me and I pray this will be over quickly. Langar quickly removes the catheter and I realize how dependent on Neroon I have become. Going to the bathroom is something I can’t do on my own. I need his help.

"See?" Neroon says pleased. "It didn’t hurt."

He’s right. It didn’t. I expect them to put me in a wheelchair, but first they dress me in white robes. White stands for innocence in Minbari society and I flush bright red as Neroon pulls me to his chest to drop the garment over my body. "Why white?" I want to know and flinch as the soft fabric covers my bruised body.

"Because you’re entitled to wear it," Neroon says steadfast.

I can’t hold back the tears any longer and they drip from my chin hearing his answer. "I’m not," I chide him.

"Yes, you are," Neroon replies and smiles.

Finally satisfied with the way I look he slips a hand underneath my knees and the other underneath my lower back. I forget to breathe, remembering Shitaro throwing me on my back. Neroon gently lifts me from the platform and pulls me close.

"I’ll take you to my quarters now," he says and bows to Langar.

I’m too terrified to answer him as I can only think of what will happen once we’ve reached his quarters. Will his behavior change once we’re in the privacy of his rooms? What if this is just an act? My heart is pounding madly and I tell myself to never protest his actions, no matter what he wants from me.

He carries me into the corridor and I rest my head against his chest. Even after all these hours of sleep I feel drained. The corridors are empty and I wonder if he ordered his guards to keep them clear. His footfalls echo all around us and I try to breathe shallowly to not put any extra pressure on my broken ribs.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, we arrive at his quarters and fear clutches my stomach. Looking about my eyes first locate two couches which have been pushed together to replace a bed. Pillows and blankets lie on top and strengthen that image.

"Minbari do not sleep in beds or in the horizontal," Neroon explains.

Like I don’t know that! But I let him, feeling content as he lowers me onto the soft sofas. He pushes a pillow underneath my neck and head and I can’t help trembling as he rearranges my robes and the blanket. Is he personally going to look after me, I wonder surprised? "Neroon?" I say questioningly and try placing my right hand on his. The result is truly pathetic, as I have to rest my wrist on the back of his hand.

"Yes?" Neroon sits down and waits for me to continue.

All of a sudden I’m lost for words as I stare at my deformed hand the glove can’t hide. The silence quickly becomes uncomfortable, but Neroon stays seated, waiting for me to find a way to continue. "Why look after me in person?" I finally choke out.

Neroon nods his head as if expecting that question. "It is time for us to address a few issues," he says and sighs heavily.

I wonder what is upsetting him.

"Many cycles ago I lost my lover, a young warrior called Narrier. He took his life after being tortured by humans."

"Humans?" I repeat stunned.

"Yes, during the Earth-Minbari war he was taken prisoner and questioned for information. They resorted to the same tactics Shitaro used on you."

His words cut deep wounds into my soul and finally I begin to understand something about this Minbari. "You took me in to extract revenge for what they did to your lover," I realize and tense all over my body. It was just an act he put on after all and now that we’re alone… God, help me, I plead privately. I escaped Shitaro’s hell just to be delivered into Neroon’s hands… Panicking, my breath comes in spurts and I wish Shitaro had killed me after all.

PART 7

Neroon

"No!" I quickly interject, seeing terror in his eyes, "I am not going to hurt you!" My words don’t seem to reach Marcus as he starts to pant in fear. His eyes close and his body goes limp. Unintended, I scared him witless. "You’re going through the same pain Narrier did. I want to help you survive. I want you to live!"

Slowly Marcus opens his eyes, but I can tell by the way he looks at me he doesn’t believe me. Why would he after what Shitaro did to him?

"Please kill me quickly," Marcus pants heavily and rolls over on his other side, facing away from me.

"I won’t hurt you," I promise, but don’t reach out for him. He won’t accept my touch now that he fears me and I curse myself for the way I put what happened to Narrier. I should have refrained from telling him humans hurt Narrier like that.

Marcus trembles and raises his arms to protect his head as if he expects me to lash out at him. I opt for action and walk over to my private collection of music crystals and insert one. Maybe it will calm him down. "I will prepare a meal for us," I tell him and head over to the luxurious kitchen unit. Normally my cook prepares all meals for me, but I don’t want to confront Marcus with a stranger.

Looking over my shoulder I study him. Marcus can’t see me, as the kitchen is located behind him. He slowly lowers his arms and disbelief covers his face. The crystal contains the sound of the waterfalls near Yedor where I have a residence. I love listening to the sound of water rushing down the cliffs. "Are you hungry, Marcus?" I ask and add the name on purpose.

"No," he replies in too soft a tone.

It tells me he’s still intimidated. "Then I will only prepare some fruit for you," I say, knowing very well his stomach can’t take any heavy dishes yet. Walking over with the tray I place it on the side of the couch. Marcus peeks at me, trying to determine my mood, as he’s afraid to anger me.

"You seemed to like this one," I say and offer him the fruit he devoured in the medical facility. He doesn’t accept it as his hands remain at his sides. "Marcus?" I ask, alerted by the empty stare in his eyes.

"Yes, Alit?" he replies emotionlessly.

His tone makes me cringe. "My name is Neroon," I remind him gently. He’s disconnecting himself from me and I can’t allow that. If only I’d known he’s this scared! Putting the food items back on the tray I reach out for him and pull him into an embrace. I expect him to fight me, but instead he remains motionless. "Marcus, I care for you. That is no lie. I won’t hurt you!" Tucking his head underneath mine I once more kiss his dark hair.

Shivers run down his body and finally Marcus sobs in my arms as he realizes I’m telling the truth. "Yes, let go of the fear," I whisper pleased. I remind myself to be more careful in future when addressing Narrier.

"Neroon?"

Hearing my name roll off his lips pleases me and I raise his chin so we can lock eyes. "Yes, Marcus?" Then I realize he only spoke my name to ensure I’m really here and not a fragment of his imagination. "You must eat," I say and hold him close while bringing the fruit to his lips. First he suckles it, and then he opens his mouth to swallow it. Marcus eats everything I offer him and finally I lower him back onto the sofas. "Rest now."

"Thank you," Marcus whispers with half closed eyes.

I stroke his hair, brow and neck. Soft mews escape his lips and I wish I could tell him of my attraction. But that will only frighten him as he might assume that I want to take it to the physical level. But I know he’ll never again allow anyone to take him. Shitaro hurt him too badly. I would be content to just have a spiritual relationship as long as he allows me to hold him close, kiss him, and tangle my fingers in his hair.

"Will you stay close?" Marcus asks in a drowsy voice.

"Yes," I assure him and hearing my answer he lets go of his fear and falls asleep, leaving me with the question of how to help him truly recover.

Reading through the latest reports I find a message from Shakiri telling me I’m excused to take care of any personal matters for as long as I need to. I feel relieved for it means Shitaro isn’t suspicious yet. A good sign!

Moans coming from the sofa alert me that Marcus might need me and brushing away all papers I make my way over to the couch. The blanket and robes are twisted around Marcus’ body and I grow concerned seeing him assume a foetal position again.

"No," Marcus moans.

Shitaro is haunting his dreams again. Marcus has to address and face Shitaro. The longer I postpone this, the more difficult it will be for him to speak about it. "Marcus, wake up," I say and shake him gently. This time I’m determined to make him open up.

His eyes flash open and horror lingers in them. I catch the emotion before he can try locking it away. "Marcus, you need to talk things out."

"I can’t," he objects weakly and tears fill his eyes.

"Tell me about the first 5 days you spent in captivity," I start, offering him a safe start. Sitting down on the edge of the sofa I wait for him to make up his mind. "It will make the nightmares go away."

"No, it won’t," Marcus replies frightened.

I offer him my hand and he awkwardly grabs it. He lacks all strength in his fingers so I wrap my fingers around his. Beneath the fabric of his gloves I trace his deformed bones. "Tell me."

"The first 5 days?" he repeats.

I know he’s trying to establish whether it’s safe for him to address those days.

"They starved me," he says eventually, avoiding eye contact. "Shi…"

His voice drops and I caress his face gently, not pressuring him to continue, only offering him my support should he want it.

"They never asked questions. I think he enjoyed my misery."

"I’m sure he got some perverse pleasure out of your pain," I agree, surprised he’s willing to open up to me. Why couldn’t Narrier take that step so long ago? "What happened after those 5 days?" I ask, already aware of the answer. Marcus clamps down, as sounds no longer escape his lips. "Darkness replaced the lights," I tell him and as he stares into my eyes. I ruthlessly continue, "Then the beatings started."

"Yes." Marcus takes over and his body trembles.

"What triggered the abuse?" I ask and he cringes, seems to shrink underneath my gaze.

"I refused to tell him my name," Marcus remembers with sudden clarity.

"You’re a brave man," I assure him and smile. Now comes the hardest part. This is where I risk sending him off in hysterics. "Make me understand what you went through during those last 5 days."

Marcus stares at me in utter disbelief, as he never expected me to address the issue head-on. "I need to understand," I explain to him, "I need to know how to help you." Privately I pray to Valen that he finds the strength to face his past.

"The first time," Marcus whispers and tries hiding underneath the blanket, "They dragged me into the corridor, Shitaro and two of his guards."

As he talks his voice changes intonation, like he’s talking about someone else and worried I rub my fingers over his knuckles, honored by his trust in me to see him through.

"At first I thought they just wanted to beat me up and although the pain was awful I could take more. I know how to disconnect myself from it, but as they ripped my clothes from my body I realized…"

His tone now becomes frantic and his body shakes violently. "Take your time," I advise and use my other hand to stroke his hair. He allows it and as his eyes stare into the distance I know he’s back there, in that corridor where they forced themselves on him. "I want to help you," I say determined. "You’re not alone."

"They pushed a towel into my mouth so I couldn’t scream," Marcus says and sobs softly. "He shoved himself inside in one firm push and I thought my body would explode. A moment later Shitaro ordered him to stop, as he wanted to take me himself."

I can’t sit there any longer. I need to take him in my arms, but the sofa offers me no room so I lift him from the couch and sit down on the floor, cross-legged and firmly holding him in my arms. In a startling emotionless tone Marcus continues.

"I never thought it would hurt that much… I felt utterly degraded."

"Marcus," I say in a loud tone as I try to make him focus on me. It’s unhealthy for him to remain in the past like this. But he ignores my efforts.

"I’m nothing, Neroon, no matter what you say. Shitaro used my body…"

"No, he =abused= it," I correct him and Marcus lifts his watered eyes. "What Shitaro did… is a crime." I struggle for the right words but they elude me.

"No, I was weak… I didn’t fight him. No one will ever want to be with me. I’ll die alone." Marcus shakes his head in anger. "And I was saving myself for true love!" Marcus suddenly explodes and adds in a harsh tone, "No one will want me as a lover, not after what Shitaro did to me!"

I pull him even closer and listen to his heartbeat as it pumps blood through his battered body. "I promise you’ll encounter true love one day."

"True love?" Marcus exclaims hurt. "I told you before I’m a disgrace to the rangers…"

"Will you let me love you?" I say. Startled I realize what I just revealed to him.

"You? Love me?" Marcus repeats automatically.

Stunned, we look into each other’s eyes. "Yes," I finally confirm, "if you’ll have me, that is."

"Neroon," Marcus sobs, "I’m scared… I don’t know why you’re saying this, but… I’m not worthy of your attention!"

"Yes, you are. You’re a warrior," I remind him and as he shakes his head to deny it I stop him and repeat my question. He needs something, someone to live for. Marcus must know that he doesn’t have to face this alone. I never thought about revealing my secret this soon, but it looks like he needs to know why I’m taking care of him. "Will you let me love you?"

"Why?" Marcus whispers completely stunned.

"Because I’m in love with you."

PART 8

MARCUS

"Love me?" I whisper in disbelief, "How can you possibly love me? I can’t understand how you can bear being close to me!" My voice is strained as I fight for control, but the way he looks at me is beyond words. The amount of sorrow, compassion and yes, love, reflected in his eyes make me feel humble.

"Marcus," Neroon starts with a sigh, "You have to stop thinking of yourself in this way. Shitaro tortured you. You carry neither blame nor guilt."

"No," I object. "No matter what you say, my honor is gone. I should ask you to help me perform ritual suicide. That way I won’t disgrace the rangers any…" Angry, Neroon grabs my shoulders and I wince slightly because of the pain it causes.

"NO! Stop placing the blame on yourself! Narrier did that too!"

His tone surprises me and I finally realize it’s fear that’s fleeing his lips. "Why are you afraid?" I ask baffled.

"I do not want you to take your life like Narrier did," Neroon admits in a guilty tone.

His fingertips caress my face and I swallow hard. This Minbari is a mystery to me and I don’t have the energy to solve it. I only want to sleep and never again wake up.

"Narrier blamed himself as well and shut me out. He didn’t understand that I loved him, that he still was a worthy mate. I won’t allow you to take your life because of what someone else did to you!"

Nervousness sounds in his voice and I realize this is hard on him too. "Neroon," I start, uncertain what I want to say, "I’m so sorry that Narrier didn’t see that you still loved him, but you don’t have to do this. You’re lying by telling me you love me. It isn’t necessary."

Saddened, Neroon shakes his head. "You aren’t listening."

"I am listening," I berate him, but fatigue makes it hard for me to concentrate. "You should drop me off somewhere. I have no business being on your war cruiser. Have you forgotten that you hate humans?"

"I do not hate you," Neroon states determined.

Briefly I wonder about his resolve. "Neroon," I start again, trying to get through to him, "I am not Narrier. You don’t need to ‘save’ me. We aren’t lovers!"

"But I want us to be lovers," Neroon says in a clear voice.

His tone makes me shiver. "Neroon," I whisper and can’t control my emotions any longer. I tried to reason with him, but… I’m just too fucking tired. "You don’t love me."

"How do you know that?" Neroon wants to know.

Peeking at his eyes I see surprise and despair, an odd mix. I never thought him to be insecure. "I can’t do this," I admit and rest my head against his chest. "You make me feel safe and I need that… need you, but… that’s taking advantage of you and that isn’t right."

"Marcus," Neroon whispers softly.

He raises my chin with his hand and I have no other choice than to answer his stare.

"Study my eyes. They do not lie. =I love you.="

To hear those words makes my stomach turn and dry heaves start tormenting my body. Struggling for breath I focus on the floor and almost cry out as Neroon’s hands slip under my robe to stroke my back. "Don’t touch me!" I hiss and the dry heaves change in to hyperventilating.

"Shst," Neroon whispers and takes the corner of my robes to put them over my nose and mouth. "Try to calm down."

But I can’t. "You… can’t love me… I won’t allow it!" I pant as my breathing slowly regulates itself. "Why are you doing this to me? Why didn’t you let me die when you found me?" Staring in to his eyes I yelp, "Please let me die."

"No," Neroon replies steadfast.

Neroon tightly wraps his arms around me. Resting his back against the sofa he moves me into a different position. I let him, as I’m unable to stop Neroon. Finally lying down in his arms he places one reverent kiss on my brow.

"Rest, recover… find your true inner self again," he says compassionately.

Tears slip down my face hearing them and he lures me into telling him the truth. "I can’t believe you love me."

"Fool," he berates me.

Briefly I smile at his tone, which is filled with love and understanding.

"I fell in love with you during Denn’sha," he says and strokes my hair softly. "I could not kill you because your courage baffled me. I admire your cunning, your skill at fighting. I wish I had told you this before I left the station, but I was confused about my feelings."

"Are you really telling me the truth?" I wonder and can’t resist looking up to see the expression in his eyes.

"I can not lie to you."

"Neroon…" His answer echoes in his eyes. Oh God, he loves me. "This is wrong."

"No," Neroon objects, "Shitaro hurting you… that was wrong!"

As Neroon mentions that name I freeze in his arms.

"I’m sorry."

Neroon immediately apologizes as he realizes what effect that name has on me. "It isn’t your fault," I reassure him and wonder about the measure of safety I’m experiencing in his arms. "You should scare the hell out of me after what happened, but… God help me, I trust you."

Pleased, Neroon smiles and for the first time I feel like I might overcome this trauma. What Shitaro did to me is beyond comprehension and scarred me for life. I’ll never be rid of those images, the pain, but maybe… "Hold me tight?" I beg as I realize that Neroon is offering me support and unconditional love. It might be the thing to pull me through.

"Yes," Neroon whispers and tightens his hold.

Finally really relaxing in his embrace I smile hesitantly, a smile he can’t see. "You’re all I have," I admit and cry silently in his arms. I never cried this much in my life. "Look at me… pathetic excuse for a ranger…"

"Don’t be that hard on yourself."

I know he’s right, but I’m wallowing in self-pity, feeling hurt.

"Time will show you how to cope with these memories."

"I don’t believe that," I protest, but snuggle up to him and slowly raise my gloved hand to touch his face. "Just don’t leave me alone. Not after what you told me just now. I need you, need you close… need you to love me."

"I know," Neroon whispers.

"Your love might convince me I’m not useless after all," I admit to him and shake in his arms.

"I will love you," he promises and kisses the palm of my hand, which means he’s actually kissing cloth.

"I never thought you could be this… gentle." Confused, I watch his pupils dilate.

"I am not a brute."

"No, you aren’t." His smile assures me everything is fine and I close my eyes. This conversation exhausted me and feeling cherished and safe I let go of reality.

PART 9 A

Neroon

I move Marcus back to the sofa after I’m sure he’s soundly asleep. Seeing him break down in my arms has shaken me more than I want to admit, but the trust in his eyes gives me hope. Only if he allows me in can I help him recover.

Stroking back some stray locks I watch Marcus curl himself into a foetal position, but this time his dreams remain undisturbed by nightmares and relieved, I smile. I will guard him to the best of my ability.

What will be my next step? I can’t help thinking about Moradum. Marcus will remain frightened until he faces his nightmares. I should force him to relive his imprisonment, but it seems inappropriate. Perhaps there’s another way to help him cope by confronting him with his second worst fear. My physical presence scares him, but the threat of my affection frightens him even more.

My eyes are drawn towards the bathroom. Sooner or later Marcus will have to use the lavatory, take a bath. During that moment he’ll be utterly helpless and vulnerable. But what if he loses this inner struggle I’ll force him to face? What if he cracks down and can’t deal with reality? What if he doesn’t know how to react?

Valen, the last thing I want is to hurt him! Shitaro already nearly devastated his soul. I can’t push him any further… but I must! For his sake and mine. If I want us to have a mutual future I can’t postpone this any longer. For the first time in many cycles I kneel down and say a prayer, asking Valen to help Marcus through this ordeal.

A soft groan attracts my attention and I quickly get to my feet. Marcus hasn’t been asleep for long and I’m worried Shitaro is haunting his dreams. But seeing the weak smile on his face I know Marcus is fine. His mending hands rest against his chest. That reminds me… I took an oath to extract revenge on Shitaro. Maybe I should try forming a plan to accomplish that.

"Neroon?"

The mumbled word reaches my ears and I slide closer, sitting down on the edge of the couch. "I’m here, Marcus," I say in a warm tone.

"Neroon…"

His tone has changed and I caress his face. Marcus moves closer and I know he needs me. Pulling him close I hold him in my arms. I’m glad Marcus accepts my help, my support. "I will keep you safe."

Marcus’ eyes open and calmly he stares into mine. His expression has changed, much to my relief. The madness seems gone, but sweat glistens on his brow. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes," he admits.

His hesitant smile warms my heart. Is it really a sparkle of trust that simmers in the depths of his eyes? Oh, Valen, I do hope so. "It is time," I whisper. Marcus shivers in my arms as if he suspects what will follow.

"What?" Marcus stammers.

Shivering violently he tries escaping my stare. "To face your fears."

"Please no, not yet…"

His big eyes beg me not to do this, but there’s no other way for him to overcome his fears. "Moradum," I state resolved and start sliding his robes down his shoulders. I see his bruised skin and I hope he realizes why I’m doing this. "Let me guide you."

"Please don’t do this to me, please!" Marcus whimpers.

Hearing that tone tears my heart in two. "Do you trust me?" I ask and hold my breath. If Marcus says no recovery will take much longer.

"Yes," Marcus whispers barely audible.

I nod my head once as I pull the robes down his chest. I try hard to ignore his shivering, but his pain is mine too and I can’t disconnect myself from it. Pulling Marcus to his feet the robes end up on the floor. "Trust me," I repeat and slip an arm underneath his knees.

"I’m scared," Marcus admits.

He closes his eyes as I lift him up in my arms to carry him to the bathroom. "I know," I say in a soft tone and suck in a deep breath feeling the moist hot air rise from the bath. Marcus doesn’t react and I wait patiently for him to fight his private demons.

PART 9 B

Marcus

"No, that isn't necessary," I whisper and hear the fear in my voice. I understand why Neroon is doing this and that he doesn't want to hurt me. But it has to be done if I ever want to learn how to cope with my fears. Naked, I feel exposed and utterly vulnerable. The knowledge that I can trust Neroon doesn't help, as the past gains a stronger hold on my thoughts. Being naked reminds me of my cell and being at Shitaro's mercy.

"What are you going to do to me?" I ask Neroon and cringe seeing the large pool of water. This bathroom is almost as big as my quarters on Babylon 5! Not surprising, as he is in command and an Alit. The title makes me shake. Shitaro is an Alit too.

"I won't hurt you," Neroon replies calmly.

Slowly, he lowers me into the warm water. I'm surprised to find crafted seats in the pool made of an unknown substance, but it enables me to sit upright. My bruised ribs hamper me momentarily until I shift my position. Looking up at Neroon I freeze in terror. The Minbari is taking off his robes

as well! Now I understand about his plans for my Moradum. "No, don't do this," I ask pleadingly. Neroon quickly shoots me a glance.

"I am not going to force you," he says in a compassionate tone.

That doesn't reassure me however. I lost my capacity to trust during my captivity. As his robes drop to the floor I close my eyes, trying to banish out the fact that Neroon is naked now. The water moves about as he sits down next to me. Naked skin brushes mine and I almost panic. There's nothing I can do to stop him should he decide to take advantage of this situation.

"Looking me in the eyes might make things easier on you," Neroon says compassionately.

I forget to breathe as one of his hands slips behind my back. "No, please." I manage to choke out the words, but the sensation of feeling his naked skin leaves me shattered.

"Open your eyes, Marcus," Neroon repeats in a gentle tone.

This time I can't stop myself from looking at him. Neroon's eyes are warm and open. His weak smile tells me he is worried and I start to relax. Neroon won't hurt me. That certainty makes me weep and I hate myself for showing this weakness. His hands stroke my back, shoulders and finally slide down my chest. Fear returns and I shiver all over my body.

"If you want me to stop, tell me," Neroon orders.

"Stop," I yelp as his fingers explore my body. The moment I speak that word his actions stop, but still I feel his hands caress my skin.

"Marcus," Neroon whispers content as his other hand fingers a stray lock.

I lean back as he leans forward. But his lips find mine anyway and his kiss is soft, gentle as a summer breeze and I am unable to say that one word that will make an end to this.

"Yes?" he inquires.

"I don't know," I whisper as his lips claim mine once more. This time his tongue succeeds in making me open my mouth.

"I love you," Neroon whispers in between kisses.

Hearing that admission makes my eyes water. "You shouldn't," I chide him without commitment. His hands come up behind my back and press me into his chest. I can't stop the tears flowing down my cheeks. Briefly I wish I could crawl inside his body and hide there forever. I don't want to live like this, with fear lurking around every corner, at every touch.

"But I do," Neroon replies steadfast.

Simply holding me like that long moments pass and I start to feel comfortable having him this close. "Why do I trust you?" I ask aloud.

"Because you know I won't hurt you, because you know I love you. Our souls are kindred spirits."

Neroon kisses my brow, moves to my eyes and kisses them too. Tears still escape my eyes and I sigh as he kisses them away, sucking up the salty liquid. "Promise me something?" I stutter hesitantly.

Neroon crooks his head and waits for me to continue. A dark fire burns in his almost black eyes and I moisten my lips. "I don't want to return to Babylon 5... never. Can I stay here? With you or somewhere else? Far away from the space station?"

"Yes," Neroon says without hesitance. "I'll be close. You'll never be alone again."

Satisfied I rest my cheek against his smooth hairless chest.

I must have fallen asleep in his arms because Neroon's attempts to carry me back to the sofa wake me. "What?" I ask, stunned that I was comfortable enough to fall asleep like that. Neroon smiles reassuringly and then kisses me. I flinch slightly as he places me on the floor to wrap a soft towel around my shivering body. He picks me up again and carries me back in to the living area.

I feel relieved sitting upright against the huge pillows, but as Neroon's hands start rubbing my skin I'm paralyzed, remembering his intimate touch moments ago. Although the feel of his hands makes me almost nauseous, I bite my lips and let him continue. Suddenly I'm wrapped up in warm and immensely soft blankets and as Neroon rolls me back on to my side I notice his sly grin.

"You do trust me," he says smugly.

That brings a smile to my face. "Yes, I do," and for the first time I realize it's the truth. I do trust him. I elbow myself in to a more comfortable position and watch him sit down opposite me. "Tell me something?" I say hesitantly.

"What do you want to know?"

"You keep telling me that you love me, that you want to take care of my as long as we live..." My courage suddenly eludes me and I don't know how to proceed.

"Yes?" Neroon says.

"What does that mean? Am I yours now? And do you expect me to act in a certain way so I can stay? I know I phrased that wrong, but..." Looking up pleadingly I hope he understands what I'm trying to ask. Neroon leans in closer and his breath slides along my neck. He's once more wearing his robes, but I still remember his muscled body, sheer bundled strength. Neroon can overpower me in a second, but he never will.

"No, =I'm yours=," he says in a soft tone.

Relieved that he understands my disability to formulate my questions I say a soft prayer. The last thing I want is to piss him off because of a misunderstanding.

"I feel we belong =together=. No one owns another person," Neroon explains.

I smile hearing that comment. "I wish I never encountered Shi..." I still can't speak his name without experiencing the terror all over again.

"I share that desire," Neroon admits.

He gently places his hand on mine. I wonder how long I'll have to wear the gloves and socks which appear to be water resistant, as the bath didn't affect them.

"As far as our future is concerned," Neroon says softly, "you are officially part of my clan now. I sent a message to the central library, naming you my mate."

"You did what? When did you do that?" Stunned, I stare in to his eyes.

"While you were resting in the medical facility. I want to ensure Shitaro can't claim you."

Neroon rests his forehead against mine and stares deeply in to my eyes.

"I never asked you officially if you want to be my mate," Neroon whispers, "I am asking now though. Do you want me as your mate?"

I don't need to think about that question. "Yes," I reply determined. Tainted as I am, no one else will ever want me and Neroon can help me heal. His love seems real and I need someone to love me.

"That is settled then," Neroon says pleased. "We will perform the necessary ceremony in time."

"Ceremony?" I question surprised.

"Yes, why are you surprised? I am proud of having you as my mate."

Neroon's words stun me and speechless I allow him to kiss me again. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but I know one thing for sure. Neroon will be at my side to support and love me.

PART 10

Marcus

"Do you want more Nata?" Neroon inquires in a friendly tone.

He is refilling my empty teacup, as taking hold of items is still difficult. My fingers are still mending. Now, almost one week after Neroon forced me to face my fears, I'm starting to realize that I might never use my hands or feet properly again.

Remembering his question I nod my head. "Would love some," I admit. I'm seated opposite Neroon and I accidentally drop the piece of sweet bread, as my fingers can't close around it. Neroon refrains from picking it up, waiting for me to try first.

Neroon has become my lifeline and hasn't left my side since that first day. We are still onboard the Ingata, wandering through space. I wonder what he told his crew to explain this strange decision.

"Marcus? Langar expects us in 30 minutes," Neroon says and gets to his feet.

He's still wearing robes; black ones this time and I'm grateful he didn't slip back in to his warrior outfit. "I know," I acknowledge and shiver slightly. Neroon coaxed me in to leaving his quarters a few days ago, but when a Minbari warrior headed our way I simply went limp.

Leaning back against the comfort of the sofa I study my reflection in the glass surface of the square table. My face is haggard and my eyes big with worry. I lost considerable weight and no matter how much Neroon coaxes me in to eating, I sometimes throw the food right up again. One startling memory about Shitaro is enough to make me freak me out.

I look at Neroon and see the calm in his eyes. It's a mystery to me how he manages to stay in control of his feelings and never grow angry with me. The patience he shows in dealing with my anxiety attacks still baffles me. After that one time in the bathroom he never touched me that intimately again. It was only a test to see if I would tell him to stop. I did and in his eyes I passed the test. I think I failed.

"Marcus?"

His voice is closer now and I suddenly realize I've been staring at the wall without hearing him return. The Nata still lies on the table and although I'm hungry I can't bring myself to try and grab it with my useless fingers. "I'm fine," I reassure him, but it's a lie. Neroon knows me and I can't fool him. Thank God for that!

"No, you are not," he chides me and sits down. "Tell me what troubles you."

I smile weakly hearing that request. He has asked me that question countless times during these last weeks as he made me open up and tell him my worst fears. "I'm afraid these injuries, " and I point awkwardly at my feet and hands, "are too serious to be healed. I don't want to be a cripple."

"Langar told you that surgery will fix that problem. We'll ask him to set a date for the operation."

Neroon's right hand softly caresses my cheek and I quiver feeling the touch. It's tender and shows his affection for me, which I crave so much! I crave his love, his understanding and his attention. Neroon is all I've got and I need him badly. "Neroon?" I start hesitantly, uncertain what I want to say.

"Yes, Marcus?"

Neroon wraps an arm around me and I lean in to the embrace, resting my head against his shoulder. He's my protector; he'll keep Shitaro, the nightmares and the pain away. Neroon stands between the all consuming darkness and me. "I don't know what I want to say," I honestly admit. Sometimes I just need to hear his voice, feel him close.

"Maybe you'll know later," Neroon replies, understanding instinctively.

I let go of a sigh as his lips softly kiss my temple. His tenderness still stuns me. I expected him to be aggressive and possessive.

"We've got to leave now or we'll be late," Neroon says in a soft tone.

Looking in his eyes I know he understands what dark feelings I'm battling. He never judges me, only supports my decisions. I... respect him even more for that. I hesitate to say, I love him even more for that, as I'm not sure I'm still capable of loving someone. Shitaro destroyed every ounce of trust I had within me and that wasn't much to begin with. "Neroon, wait, I want to try and walk," I say as he's about to lift me in his arms. I don't want to be carried around like that.

"That's not a wise decision," Neroon states and shakes his head disapprovingly. "You tried yesterday and..."

I nod my head, suddenly ashamed for making this request. When I tried to walk yesterday I would have fallen hadn't it been for Neroon's fast reflexes! "Just once more?" I beg and know he'll give in.

"Once more," Neroon says.

Cautiously he pulls me to my feet. My ankles no longer hurt, but I can't place my feet flat on the floor. I lose balance and start to tumble backwards.

"I've got you," Neroon says reassuringly.

Safe in his arms I bow my head in defeat. "I won't be able to walk until after surgery, am I right?"

"Yes, you know that. Langar told you."

Neroon is doing his best to keep me motivated, but I'm losing my interest in my recovery. I'm crippled for the rest of my life. The sooner I accept that, the better. As Neroon lifts me in his arms I bury my head in his robes, afraid of meeting strangers in the corridors. Shy and terrified, I pinch my eyes tightly to block out any strangers. Neroon softly talks to me, about Langar being hopeful of reconstructing my hands and ankles, but I refuse to listen to him. I don't want my hopes up!

I suddenly recognize the now familiar smell of the medical facility and am relieved we made our way without incidents. In the back of my mind I'm convinced Shitaro will one day find out I'm still alive and will come after me to finish what he started and not even Neroon can stop him.

"Neroon, Marcus," Langar says in a cheerful tone. "Let's find out if have made any progress, young Marcus."

It's beyond me why Neroon and Langar keep repeating my name all the time. It feels like they want to assure me I'm still that man, Marcus Cole, but I know the truth. Ranger Marcus Cole no longer exists. He died in that cell, died a shameful death and will never return to the living.

Neroon helps me sit down on the exam bed and then slowly lifts my face. His smile reassures me I'm safe and as I search the room with my eyes I realize Langar is holding a scanner in his hands, most eager to get started. I allow it to happen, never questioning Langar examining me and do whatever he asks of me, raise my head, close my eyes, cough. Well, coughing still hurts as my

ribs refuse to heal properly.

"I am going to remove the support and then make a detailed scan of your hands and ankles. Then we will schedule the operation," Langar says.

Inwardly, I cringe. Surgery means even more pain. "Can't we postpone that?" I ask in a soft tone, still afraid to address someone.

"If that is what you want," Neroon replies in a mystified tone.

I miss the look the two Minbari exchange.

"But why?" Neroon asks confused.

He gently supports my wrists as Langar removes the gloves. "I can't deal with surgery now," I blurt out in panic. "I can take no more pain."

Langar nods his head. "We can wait a little longer, but in the meantime you'll have to use a walking cane and your hands... you'll still need help."

"Neroon can..." I start and then suck in my words. What am I thinking? That he can spend all this time with me? He has a duty to his clan, his men which he neglected for too long. "No, erase that..."

"I'll take you with me."

Neroon seems to have read my fear and soothingly rubs my back.

"You will act as my counsel. That will explain your presence. As long as you keep the hood up you'll be fine."

Looking at my deformed hands and feet I forget about Neroon's words, never wondering why I have to act as his counsel. I can move my fingers slightly and bending my wrist hurts no longer. I might be able to use a walking cane, but picking up things like food will remain impossible. My feet aren't much better. "Neroon, I want to try walking one last time."

Neroon gives me a hesitant look, but I simply stare in to his eyes. "Please?" I add in fear. Neroon grabs my waist and pulls me to my feet. As long as he remains at my side I'm capable of taking a few steps, but then I realize I can only walk because Neroon is nearly carrying me. "I =am= an invalid," I whisper and sit down again.

Langar immediately reacts to that statement. "Surgery will restore your limbs' original functions. Let me know when you are ready to proceed and I will perform surgery myself."

"Thank you," I whisper thankfully, and then turn to Neroon. "Can we go back now?" Neroon eyes me worried. Something troubles him. "What did I do wrong?"

"You can't hide forever," Neroon states resolved.

"I'm not hiding!" I bite back, but know I'm lying. "I..." feeling the urge to recall the lie I add, "I'm not yet ready to face anyone." My reply lures a soft moan from Neroon's lips and as he opens his arms I hug him tightly. "Don't be angry with me!" I beg panicking.

"One day you will be ready," Neroon promises and then looks to Langar. "When do you want Marcus to check in again?"

"Tomorrow," Langar replies and addresses Neroon. "You might try massaging his hands and feet, get the circulation going again."

"I understand," Neroon says contently. "Marcus, do you want to walk or to be carried?"

His question confuses me. Neroon wants me to make a choice. Rationally I know I can't walk the distance back to his quarters, but emotionally I no longer want to be carried like that. "I want to try walking," I decide and expect to see Neroon's disapproval. Instead he says, "Excellent!" and helps

me walk to the door.

"Never forget that you are a fighter, Marcus," he whispers pleased.

Smiling, I hang on to him as I shuffle back to his quarters.

"Sit down," Neroon instructs. "You overestimated your strength."

"I did," I admit and drop on to the couch. Stretching my body fatigue sneaks up on me. "I'm tired," I tell him and look in to his eyes.

"Then rest. I have to read through a few reports any way."

Neroon walks over to his desk and sits down. I can't stop staring at him. A question burns my lips. A question I'm afraid to ask. "Are you serious when you tell me that you want us to be lovers?" I choke out nervously and fumble the blanket, which slips from my hands. I can't even release my anxiety by fumbling a piece of cloth! Why does Neroon want me as a lover?

"I'm serious and honest," Neroon says, looking up from behind the desk. "Why ask now?"

"I... still think you're making a mistake. Look at me!" I'm losing control and that scares me, but I bottled this fear up for far too long! "I'm a cripple, you're a warrior! You should choose a Minbari! Send me away... but not to Babylon 5," I quickly add as I'm terrified of meeting anyone I know.

Neroon acts at once and returns to the couch.

"Marcus," he starts, "no matter what you may think, I love you. I want you to stay with me, share my life with me. Valen, how can I convince you I love you?"

His expression darkens and that urges me to reply. "I know you love me... I see that in your eyes, but you should refrain from consorting with me. I'm human, you're Minbari. I'm without honor, you're..."

"Stop wallowing in self pity!" Neroon suddenly exclaims.

I cringe, close my eyes and start counting, one, two, three...four, five...

"Stop doing that, Marcus! Stop shutting me out." This time Neroon's tone is pleading. "I want to give you something," he suddenly says.

My eyes flash open and I follow him through the room. He retrieves something from a drawer and then sits down on the couch next to me. "I can't accept..." I begin, but Neroon silences me with a frustrated growl.

"You have no say in this!" Neroon opens his hand.

I immediately cringe hearing that tone, cursing myself for irritating him. When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?

"Take it. It's yours now," Neroon whispers.

Neroon drops a silver like necklace in to my crippled hand and I shiver seeing the Star riders' insignia. "Neroon?" I ask confused.

"You are part of my clan now and as clan leader..." Suddenly he grows quiet and seems lost for words.

"Neroon?" Even more worried I raise my head to study him.

"My father gave it to me the day I revealed my calling. It's a family heirloom," Neroon reveals.

"Then I certainly can't accept it!" I whisper and want to hand it back to him, but Neroon shakes his head.

"It's yours now. You're part of this clan and my mate, something you seem to forget very easily."

I realize I somehow hurt his feelings and I resent myself for doing that. Closing my fingers over the necklace I swallow hard, no longer fighting down the self-loathing about to consume me. "I feel honored you want to give it to me, but... I'm not worthy of such a gift!" I yelp in despair. "I hurt

your feelings by refusing it and I hate myself for..." Neroon suddenly grabs my hands and forces me to look up.

"Marcus! Stop hating yourself for what Shitaro did to you!" he states in an angry tone. "Let me love you and accept my presence. Let me comfort you. Help you heal. You are the victim, the victim!" he repeats in an upset tone.

Silent, lost for words I stare at the pendant and realize there's an inscription on the back. Confused, I try to decipher the tiny words. First I discover my name and then Neroon's, the date of my rescue and a promise edged in to the metal that he'll always love me. Tears fill my eyes and I

start sobbing in front of Neroon. "I'm sorry, so sorry," I blurt out and pull up my legs to curl myself in to a tight ball. "I don't know what to do, what to say... I like you so much..." Neroon slides down on to the couch and folds his arms around me. "Can you forgive me for being self absorbed and hurting your feelings?" I ask and my voice shakes with tremors.

"There is nothing to forgive," Neroon states and gently pushes my head underneath his chin, "but you have to let me in."

"I want to," I moan depressed, "but I don't know how!" And then I unwillingly make that final commitment. "Show me? Help me?"

A smile illuminates Neroon's face and the fire in his eyes takes me aback. As he pushes my sleeves up to my elbows I wonder what's he's up to, but I don't ask. Instead I decide to trust my instincts. Slowly his fingers start massaging the muscles in my arm and hand. Finally curiosity gets the better of me. "What are you doing?"

"You are tense, Marcus."

"I know," I reply jokingly, uncertain how to react. As Neroon works his way up to my elbow my breathing slows down. It's strange, but his touch always soothes me. After working on my right arm for long moments he switches to my left and repeats the procedure. "I'm falling asleep," I sigh and feel the weight of the necklace in my lap. The moment Neroon released my right arm I grabbed the item and pulled it closer.

"Don't fight it. Close your eyes and rest," Neroon says and smiles brightly.

I realize we mastered some kind of crisis but I don't understand what it was about. "You're good at this!" I whisper, giving in to his touch and can't fight my weary eyes any longer as they slip shut.

"Yes, that's it," Neroon whispers pleased.

As he kisses my lips I smile and lock eyes with him. My fatigue is overwhelming me quickly, but first I've got to say, "Neroon? Thank you for saving my life and putting up with me." Neroon wants to reply, but I quickly continue, "I'm honored to be your mate and I promise I'll never again forget that... and that you love me. I hope that one day I can love you back." My words stun Neroon.

"Marcus, I know you cannot love me back."

"I want to love you back," I stutter embarrassed, "but Shi... he stares back at me whenever I..."

"I understand," Neroon says in a comforting tone. "Give it time, Marcus."

"Can I go to sleep now? You aren't angry with me any longer, are you?" I ask hopefully, as this conversation is wearing me down. I simply can't yet deal with this emotional stuff. I feel like letting Neroon down, but... "Hold me a little longer?" Neroon reacts by pulling me close and resting his head on my shoulder. Slowly, I doze off, my hands tightly clinging to Neroon's robes.

PART 11

Neroon

I allow Marcus to sleep for a few hours because he needs the rest. The trip to see Langar tired him and although he's slowly healing physically, mentally he is still living in that cell on Shitaro's battle cruiser. Sitting down, I study his facial expression, which is relaxed in sleep. The terror that sometimes stares back at me still makes me shiver. I can only hope that Marcus finds the inner strength to overcome this enemy within. At least he has accepted my help and I'm determined to see him heal.

"Marcus?" I whisper softly, not wanting to startle him. "I prepared a meal. You need to eat." His weight loss worries me and I hope this time he isn't going to throw up the food. His body is fighting his mind, and both are at war with his soul, which has been cruelly damaged.

"Neroon?"

Hearing his soft voice makes me smile. His eyes reveal remnants of sleep and I offer him my hand to help him get to his feet. Marcus accepts the support and I walk him to the square table. His movement is hesitant, as he can't trust his feet to carry his weight. "Did you sleep well?" I enquire while he sits down. I dislike seeing the black circles beneath his eyes.

"Yes," Marcus replies with wonder in his voice.

I understand. Since his escape brutal nightmares haunt him and he seldom enjoys an undisturbed rest. "Would you like some soup?" I ask and offer him a bowl.

Marcus nods his head and I place it in front of him. "Will you join me for a short walk later?" I want him to regain his strength. He needs to get used to seeing people again, especially my crew, which he is terrified of.

"If I must," Marcus agrees hesitantly.

I refrain from making a comment and watch him struggle with the spoon. His fingers can hardly grasp it. I wait patiently for him to take hold of it. After some awkward fumbling he manages to bring the spoon to his lips. Pleased, I empty my bowl as well.

"You're a good cook," Marcus says and smiles weakly.

"Thank you," I accept the compliment and add, "I only hope you will like the main course as well!"

"Main course?" Marcus asks slightly surprised.

I retrieve the baked and grilled vegetables and place the plates on the table.

"I don't think I can eat that much!" Marcus moans embarrassed.

"Try eating as much as you can, Marcus." I advise him. Marcus pokes one of the vegetables and succeeds in eating it.

"Neroon? About that conversation we had before I fell asleep..."

His voice drops and suddenly I notice that his other hand is clutching the necklace. "Yes?" I encourage him.

"What will our future be like?"

"Our future," I start, pleased that he uses the word -our-, "will be peaceful and free of fear," I promise him.

"You mentioned something about me acting as your counsel?"

His memory is still sharp and I curl my fingers around his hand, which refuses to let go of the necklace. "Yes, in public you will act as my counsel, in private..." and I softly kiss the palm of his hand. Noticing the blush quickly claiming his face I thank Valen that Hirano warned me of Shitaro's plans.

"So we will stay on this cruiser?" Marcus enquires in a mixed tone of curiosity and nervousness.

"Most of the time, yes," I reply, "or at Yedor where I have a residence."

"What if I run in to Shita..."

He's still unable to pronounce that name and I gently squeeze his hand. "He no longer has any power over you, Marcus. You're my mate and Shitaro will never dare to attack us." Leaning back against the couch I realize I have to tell him something else as well. "I will inform the High Court in Yedor of the way he treats his prisoners."

"No," Marcus whispers terrified.

"Why not?"

Marcus remains quiet and I smell the outburst of sweat. Fear has a tight hold on him. "Do not worry, Marcus. You are beyond his grasp."

"I doubt that," Marcus finally whispers.

I know I can't convince him. Only time can heal Marcus' wounds. "Finish your meal," I instruct, hoping I didn't upset him too much. "I need to study a few files later," I inform him. "Is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?"

"Books would be nice," Marcus whispers in an odd tone.

I've got to pay close attention to catch those words. Books, I wonder? I doubt he's referring to the ancient scrolls. "What kind of books?"

A sudden sparkle shines from Marcus' eyes as he says, "Have you never heard of Shakespeare or Orwell?"

"No, tell me about them," I say invitingly, hoping to stir him from his gloom.

One hour later Marcus is smiling radiantly after telling me about human poets and writers. I must admit I never considered Earth culture to be worth studying. I'm determined to obtain a few books for him so he can spend his time reading. I make a mental note to ask one of my men, Vallo, to acquire them. In space we sometimes encounter Earth freighters and although I usually avoid contact this time I want Vallo to talk to them. Vallo knows Standard and already expressed his interest in human culture during earlier trips to Babylon 5.

"Neroon? You're spacing out on me," Marcus says amused.

I wonder what he just said. "Spacing out?"

"Lost in thought," Marcus explains, still clutching the necklace.

"Yes, there are several matters I have to attend to," I say and start cleaning off the table. "What would you like to do this evening?"

Surprised, Marcus gazes up at me and I realize he doesn't know what to say. His life has been limited to my quarters during these last weeks. "I would like to show you the Ingata. As you will spend a lot of your time aboard the vessel you should know your way around," I say resolved, sensing his hesitance.

"I'm not sure about that," Marcus admits and peeks at the door. "What if we encounter...?"

"Crewmembers?" I finish for him. "What worries you?"

"I don't know," Marcus says in a hoarse voice. "Rationally, I know they won't hurt me, but..."

As he looks up I see fear in his eyes. "You can only overcome that fear by confronting it," I reply firmly. His white robes softly rustle as he gets to his feet. Maybe Marcus isn't aware of his courage, which I greatly admire, but it is urging him to accept my help and will aid his recovery.

"You'll stay close, won't you, Neroon?"

"Yes," I assure him and fold an arm around his waist. I don't want this walk to exhaust him. "I want to show you something first," I say and pull him along.

Slowly, Marcus places one foot in front of the other and I cringe seeing the way his ankles almost collapse underneath his bodyweight. "You shouldn't postpone surgery for long," I warn him. "The sooner you have it done, the sooner you can start getting back to your former shape." A sad smile greets me as I lock eyes with Marcus.

"No need to cheer me up, Neroon," he says saddened. "It's obvious that my hands will never again wield a pike!"

I sigh, displeased with his depressed view. "Even if it is the last thing I do in life, I will make sure you can stand your ground in a pike fight!" I vow.

"Neroon..."

Startled by the tone of his voice I tighten my grip on him. My name was only a whisper and carried a tone I never heard before. It was tender, almost affectionate. Marcus rests his head on my shoulder and one of his hands creeps up my back to return the gesture. It is the first time he takes this kind of initiative and it gives me hope.

"Where are we?" Marcus asks in a baffled tone.

"The command center. Have you never been in one before?" I explain to him that we can monitor a battle from here, instruct the pilots and warriors.

"No," Marcus replies with a smile on his face, "I don't usually end up in the nerve center of a Minbari war cruiser."

In Minbari I tell the computer to start a particular program and a moment later planets, stars and asteroids appear all around us. I register Marcus' surprised gasp and know he never expected this revelation.

"That's Minbar!" Marcus exclaims.

He is swaying on his feet and I pull him closer. Fire appears in his eyes and I instruct the computer to run a different program.

"This can't be real," Marcus whispers astonished. "That's Earth!"

"The images, coordinates, all the information we need are stored in the data banks of the computer," I inform him and watch amused as he extends one hand to touch the wall, which is too far away.

"I love this sight," he whispers, releasing a sigh.

"I knew you would," I confess. Marcus is leaning heavily on me and although the weight doesn't bother me I realize he's growing tired. "We should return to our quarters now."

"=Our= quarters?" Marcus immediately remarks.

A smirk is plastered to his face and I feel carefree for the first time since this nightmare started. "Yes, Marcus."

A few hours later Marcus lies soundly asleep in my arms. Instinctively I know he has taken a great step today, but I will push him further in confronting his fears. It's my goal to have him assist me by acting as my communications officer onboard the Ingata. I will have to break that news very slowly to him, to avoid scaring him off.

Marcus stirs in my arms and attains a more comfortable position. My thoughts drift back to Narrier. Why couldn't he accept my support? And why does Marcus embrace it? Perhaps it's Marcus' urge to survive, to recover. I can tell my looking in his eyes that his past is troubled; yet he never gives in. I only know that he's Babylon 5's station ranger. The rest of his past is a mystery to me and I hope one day he will tell me.

Marcus' hands bury themselves inside my robes and I realize he's cold. After telling the computer to raise the temperature I study his face as I ponder my next move. I decide to coax Marcus in to leaving my quarters for a short period of time each day. I will accompany him during his walks and I definitely want him to meet some of my crewmembers. Maybe if he sees that they can be trusted he will let go of some of his fear. Vallo will accept Marcus' presence without prejudice and I wonder whom to add to that list.

Now that I know what to do I center myself and gather my inner strength. Marcus continually tries my patience when he flees back in to his shell and I keep reminding myself he has every reason to feel hurt and angry. I only wish he would express that anger that must be simmering underneath his frightened exterior.

PART 12

Marcus

I don't feel particularly comfortable wearing these robes, but it's a lot better than being naked. Neroon supplies me with a clean outfit each day, but I wish he would give me decent trousers and a shirt instead. Well, I suppose I could just ask him. After all, he can't read my mind!

Nervous, I wait for Vallo to ring the doorbell. When Neroon first informed me someone wanted to talk to me I stared at him in panic, uncertain how to react to this possible threat. But Neroon explained to me that this young Minbari has an interest in Earth culture and I felt somewhat reassured. Neroon gave his permission without asking me. He probably knows I'd have declined any way.

"Are you nervous?" Neroon says in a calming tone.

He's seated behind his desk while I'm on the sofa. I still sleep on it and that urged Neroon to order a crewmember to construct a human bed so I can lie horizontal. It should be ready tomorrow. He didn't even lecture me on sleeping at such a death-tempting angle! "I'm bloody nervous!" I admit and hide my hands inside the sleeves. I don't want this Minbari to see what Shitaro did to me.

"There is no need to worry," Neroon replies reassuringly, but remains seated. "Vallo is good natured and very friendly... almost too friendly! A warrior should be..."

The doorchime interrupts him and I shrink back hearing the sound. "Do I have to talk to him?" I plead one last time.

"Yes," Neroon decides. "Enter."

My eyes dash in their sockets and all I can think about is that I don't want him to resemble Shitaro! Vallo doesn't. He's young and I realize he hasn't been part of Neroon's crew for a long time. Vallo's green eyes twinkle and he's carrying a metal box. Slightly intimidated I force myself to struggle to my feet.

"Alit, Anla'shok," Vallo says and bows reverently.

I shoot Neroon a confused look. I don't want to be addressed like that! I'm no longer a ranger, but Neroon ignores my silent plea.

"Vallo, this is Marcus," Neroon says and gestures towards me.

I fight to hold my ground as I feel the urge to back away from the Minbari. At a loss, I don't know what to do or what to say. In the end Vallo helps me out.

"I thought you might want these."

Vallo places the box on the table and slowly opens it. I wonder what Neroon told him about me. Judging by his cautious movements Vallo knows I scare easily. Eventually my curiosity wins over my apprehension and I peek inside the box. "Books?" I stutter in disbelief, looking up at Neroon. I remember telling him about my favorite writers two days ago, but I never expected him to act on it!

"Human traders sold them to us," Vallo explains.

I catch the approving glance Neroon gives Vallo and I realize he ordered this transaction. "Are these for me?" I can't believe Neroon would go to such great lengths for me!

"You might consider sharing them with me, as I am curious to find out more about human literature," Neroon says and grins.

"Of course!" I state and cautiously pick up the book on top. I don't care what books they managed to get. All that matters is the gesture and the knowledge Neroon cares this much for me.

Neroon finally gets up and joins us. Only now I notice the tea he made moments ago and as he gestures Vallo to sit down I sink on to the couch as well. Vallo isn't sitting too close to me and as long as Neroon is here I can control my nervousness. Neroon pours us tea and then leans back. His eyes search my face and I wonder what he wants to know. I can't ask him though, not in Vallo's

presence. Caressing the cover of the book with my fingers I read its title. The mists of Avalon... I always wanted to read it as Hasina recommended it to me... a lifetime ago. "Thank you," I finally whisper.

"What do humans say?" Vallo asks. "You're welcome?"

I nod my head and start observing this young Minbari whose eyes stare at me with no prejudice at all. Most warriors loathe humans since they fought in the Earth Minbari war. "That's correct. Your Standard is very good," I say awkwardly.

"I practice when I'm alone. The others don't like your language."

Vallo's honesty makes me relax a little. "But you do?"

"I'm curious," Vallo states. "And both my parents are religious cast which means they raised me to be... open-minded?"

He looks at me questioningly as he speaks that last word so I nod to confirm he used the right term. Catching Neroon's amused eyes I start shying back from this conversation. I'm talking all the time while Neroon should be the one addressing Vallo.

Neroon shakes his head and ignores Vallo's presence. "Talk to him, Marcus. Vallo wants to become a communications officer and I need him fluent in Standard."

Reading the back of the novel I devour the fact that it's about Arthur. I love that particular period in history. Only then I realize Neroon addressed me. "He sounds very fluent to me," I whisper and pretend being absorbed in the first pages of the book. Neroon's next words make me feel queasy.

"You have an appointment with Langar in a few minutes. I'm stuck working through reports, but Vallo can accompany you," Neroon suggests while keeping a close eye on me.

Briefly I fight the urge to retreat to the bathroom and throw up the dinner I just had. I trust Neroon... only Neroon and now he wants me to trust Vallo as well! A Minbari warrior whom I met for the first time only a moment ago! Pleadingly I look in to Neroon's dark eyes and my lips form the word no, without actually speaking it.

"I would be honored to be of service," Vallo says politely.

He leaves me no way out. I'm trapped.

"That's settled then," Neroon decides and returns to his desk.

Vallo gets to his feet and is waiting for me to do the same. I feel paralyzed though and can't move. I don't want to leave Neroon's protection!

"Are you coming, Marcus?" Vallo says and exchanges a glance with Neroon. They talked this through last night when Marcus was asleep. "I almost forgot!" Vallo chides himself and uncovers a cylinder like object. "Here, this is for you too."

Hesitant, I accept the item, which looks like a collapsed pike. "Neroon?" I say, turning towards him. "What does this mean?"

"Langar suggested a cane but I prefer this. Extend it," Neroon replies without looking up from his papers.

It's a pike all right and as I open it I wonder why Neroon would give this to me. "Why?" I ask, no longer paying attention to Vallo's presence.

"Why not?" Neroon counters and finally raises his head. "You're a warrior, and although the Denn'bok was never intended as a means of support it will serve you in that capacity as long as you need it. Later, you can use it during our practice sessions. It's yours now."

"Mine?" I say surprised and instinctively lean on it, as my feet seem to give in underneath my weight. "Thank you," I whisper, honestly touched.

"Now go or you'll be late!" Neroon says. "You shouldn't keep Langar waiting!"

Finally making a decision I walk towards the door, using the pike as my support and I accept Vallo's presence at my side. As Neroon is determined to see me heal, I better shape up and not let him down. I don't want to disappoint him.

It takes me some time to cover the distance to the medical facility and I bite my lip, realizing Neroon isn't close. I wonder about the young Minbari at my side. I don't know that many warriors who have taken the time to master Standard.

Vallo walks beside me in silence but as I peek at his face I notice he's watching me. Concerned, he stays close and I wonder whether Neroon instructed him to watch my every move. I don't know what to say and am not interested in small talk so I remain quiet.

"Marcus," Langar says as we enter the medical facility and gestures me to join him in the exam area. Relieved to be off my feet, I sit down opposite him. "Langar," I start and then grow silent again. I have to admit I like the old healer.

"We need to talk about your surgery," Langar says and eyes me, worried. "It is unwise to postpone it much longer."

"I know you're right, but..." How can I explain to him that I don't want to undergo surgery? That I fear the pain and helplessness of being unable to walk again?

"Why don't we start with correcting your right foot? That way you can still walk about," Langar suggests.

"When?" I want to know.

"Tomorrow," Langar decides. "The procedure itself will only take an hour and then you can leave again. Recovery will take two weeks."

I consider his suggestion. It's the sensible thing to do and I appreciate that they leave the choice to me. "Fine," I finally agree, still a bit reluctant.

"I will make all necessary arrangements," Langar promises. "Anything else you want to talk about?"

Hesitant I gaze at his eyes. I trust him, I finally realize and then blurt out, "I'm confused."

"That's to be expected," Langar says reassuringly.

I shift in my seat as the old Minbari smiles at me. Somehow I know he understands me. "Because of Narrier," I finish my thoughts aloud. "You and Neroon understand me because of what happened to his former... lover."

Langar nods his agreement. "We failed to help him recover. Neroon doesn't want to fail again. He is growing attached to you and I must admit, so am I."

"I feel awkward... being onboard this ship... and Neroon taking care of me personally is something I never expected. When we fought he seemed arrogant."

Langar's smile grows bright. "And what do you think of Neroon now?"

"I like him very much," I confess slightly embarrassed. Now that I started talking I can't stop. I need to discuss Neroon with someone. "He declared me his mate," I say in a baffled tone and stare at the floor.

"Neroon told me he wants this to be official," Langar replies.

His tone is pleased and reassured I return his glance. "I don't understand Neroon."

"Marcus," Langar starts, "I've known Neroon for his entire life and I still don't understand his reasons for doing things a certain way."

I can't bring myself to disconnect from Langar's eyes and say, "I like talking to you."

"I am pleased to hear that," Langar remarks. "I see Neroon decided to give you a Denn'bok instead of a cane?"

"Yes," I grin a bit sheepishly. "He wants me to use it for working out later when my injuries have healed."

Honest, Langar replies, "That will take time, but I'm confident you will be training within a cycle."

I look over at Vallo, who is waiting for me in the corridor. He will want to walk me back to Neroon's quarters and slowly I'm starting to realize that I'm willing to rebuild my life. Thanks to Neroon and Langar's care I might be able to one-day trust people again. But it'll be a lot of hard work and I've got to do it myself. Neroon can only help and support me.

"I will be seeing you tomorrow," I say and slowly get to my feet. I don't know whether I would have made it to the doorway without the support of my new pike.

"Yes, tomorrow, and Marcus...?"

Waiting for the healer to finish his sentence I pause in the doorway.

"Rest and don't rush your recovery process."

"I won't," I promise, knowing bloody well Neroon will keep a close eye on me. Stepping into the corridor Vallo hurries to my side. "Tell me, why do you want to be a warrior?" I ask, consciously setting aside the self-pity I clung to so fiercely, freeing myself of its claws.

PART 13

NEROON

"I’m pleased that you reached an agreement with Langar," I remark as Marcus sits down on the couch. Once his body has healed he will feel a lot stronger.

"Will you walk me tomorrow?" Marcus asks calmly.

His tone has changed and I study the expression in his eyes, which differs as well. The gloomy fear is gone and I draw in a deep breath. Hopefully meeting Vallo made him ponder his fear. "Of course I will," I reply. The overall change in Marcus improves my mood and I walk over to sit next to him on the sofa, deciding to refrain from telling him about my actions during his absence.

I received a message from Shitaro, who wanted to know why I hadn’t attended a scheduled meeting. It’s obvious Shitaro is getting suspicious. During Marcus’ trip to the medical facility I also send a message to the High Court in Tuzenor, informing them of Shitaro’s misconduct. I also approached Hirano through Vallo, his brother, and Hirano agreed to testify on Marcus’ behalf if necessary.

"I trust the selection of books Vallo acquired pleases you," I say, remembering the surprise in his eyes as he opened the box. One thing Marcus still has to learn is to accept gifts.

"Yes, it does," Marcus whispers and his fingers wander over the covers. "Real books are very precious, valuable."

I’m surprised as Marcus slowly curls his fingers around mine, but I welcome the gesture. I cherish the expression on his face as he waits for my reaction. In turn I caress his fingers, rub his knuckles and try hard to ignore the still visible scars Shitaro’s violence left.

On impulse I raise my other hand and cover his lips with my fingers. As Marcus kisses them I hiss my surprise and almost pull back my hand.

"Don’t," Marcus whispers in an odd tone.

I rub my fingertips over his lips and cock my head, wondering what changed during his trip to see Langar. Marcus no longer feels sorry for himself, I realize relieved. Now his recovery has truly started!

I understand he needs time to deal with what happened to him, but I also realize he must make the transition back to real life himself and thank Valen that he managed to do that. "Why don’t you read me the beginning of that book?" I whisper, creating distance between us by ignoring the light kisses he places on my hand. I don’t want Marcus to think that he’s somehow indebted to me and I certainly don’t want him ‘repaying’ me by pretending he’s falling in love with me. I know that’s impossible and I accept that truth.

"I need to address =us= first," Marcus states in a resolved tone. "You were right earlier when you told me I couldn’t hide forever. That’s what I’ve been doing until now, hiding."

I nod once. "You need that shelter, protection because you are hurt. But… you’re feeling stronger now, don’t you?"

"Yes," Marcus whispers and smiles, "But only because of you. I like you, Neroon."

That admission makes me speechless. What is he trying to say?

"I mean… I can picture us together."

Marcus appears incapable of formulating his exact thoughts and I don’t push him. Whatever is troubling him urges him to open up and I can’t let that opportunity pass.

"I don’t know how to say this," Marcus admits shyly. "I trust you. I like you, Neroon… I want to be with you, but…"

"The physical aspect worries you," I state, helping him out.

"Yes, it does." Marcus averts his eyes and stares at his hands.

Suddenly he looks lost to me and I gently squeeze his hand. "You determine the limits, Marcus and you must know that I will never force you to do something you aren’t comfortable with. All I might ask is a kiss, an embrace and only if you’re willing to honor that request. I desire a =spiritual= relationship with you, Marcus." Hopefully this will reassure him. A single tear slides down his cheek and my fingertips catch it. "Are you always this emotional?" I ask in a joking tone, trying to relieve the tension hanging between us.

"No," Marcus says and smiles apologetically. "People told me I babble all the time and irritate the hell out of them, but they never thought me emotional before."

"Marcus," I whisper and wait for him to take the initiative this time. His arms creep up my back and I sense his quickened breathing. I don’t move, refrain from steering him in to a certain direction and feel relieved seeing the smile in his eyes.

"I wish I had realized your true nature before… when we fought on Babylon 5…" Marcus whispers.

I cut him short. "At that time I was determined to stop Delenn and had I been totally focused on that goal, you would never have managed to distract me."

"Distract you?" Marcus repeats amused. "That’s when you fell in love with me, isn’t it?"

"Near the end of the fight after I broke three of your ribs, an action I should apologize for." My right hand tangles in his hair and I rub a strand between my fingers. "That was uncalled for."

"It did hurt," Marcus confesses and absent minded rubs his ribs. "I like having you close," he says, suddenly changing subjects, "I never thought I could ever feel like this, considering Shitaro…"

"Don’t speak about him now," I ask in a gentle tone.

"You’re right. I don’t even want to think about him," Marcus replies with watered eyes.

As he rests his head against my chest I return the embrace and listen to his heartbeat underneath my fingertips. "It also pleases me that you accept Vallo’s presence," I reveal to him. "I wasn’t sure you were ready to meet him."

"He seems to be a nice guy."

Marcus frees himself of my embrace and leans forward to grab one of the books.

"I always hoped one day I had the chance to read this one."

"You were going to read for me," I remind him as he settles back in my arms, opening the book and looking at the first page.

"Are you serious about that? Do you really want me to…?"

"I love hearing your voice," I say and fail in keeping out a sensual tone. I will always remain attracted to him; no matter what restrictions I’ve got to impose on myself. Surprised, I take in Marcus’ flustered face and smile warmly. "Read for me."

Turning the pages he clears his throat and then says, "Morgan le Fay was not married, but put to school in a nunnery, where she became a great mistress of magic."

"Magic?" I interrupt him, as that concept is alien to me. Confused, he closes the book and stares at me in surprise.

"How am I going to explain Arthur to you?"

"Try," I encourage him, "I’m willing to learn."

"If you seek to avoid your fate or to delay suffering, it only condemns you to suffer it redoubled in another life."

Marcus is still reading aloud an hour later after he did his best to explain Arthur to me. "There is truth in that insight," I agree. "We must face danger and our fears or we will run away from them forever." This book appeals to me and I would like to learn more, but Marcus sounds tired and I close the book for him. "You will read more for me tomorrow."

"Why don’t you read some for me?" Marcus asks in a playful tone.

Taking hold of the book I look at the image of a woman holding a sword. "Is this Morgan le Fay a warrior?"

"Somehow she reminds me of Delenn," Marcus suddenly states. "Delenn… has risen to a position where she holds military power to a certain degree."

"That’s why I wanted to stop her from becoming Ranger One," I confess, feeling ashamed I craved that position myself. But the rangers would never have followed me, would never have given their life for me.

"Neroon," Marcus whispers in a soft tone.

As he snuggles up to me I cherish his warmth, his closeness. I lock this moment away in my memory. "I wonder about this strong attraction I feel towards you, Marcus," I admit. "I love you and at times it feels like I’ve known you for many lifetimes."

"Minbari believe souls are constantly being reborn, don’t you?"

I nod once to confirm Marcus’ words. "Maybe you’re right and our souls met before."

"That’s a nice thought," Marcus murmurs fatigued, "To think that people are reunited again in another life time. But it’s too good to be true."

"You’re a true pessimist," I chide him affectionately.

"What’s new?"

In his eyes I see hurt and I act at once by once more embracing him. "It’s getting late and Langar wants you to rest."

"You worry too much," Marcus whispers.

I’m stunned as he softly kisses my lips. His body shakes with the contact, yet he doesn’t shy away. "You’re brave, Marcus. Had this happened to me…"

"Don’t say that, Neroon. You are much stronger than I am!"

Marcus’ tone alarms me. His eyes turn big and I don’t understand what upset him. "What’s wrong?"

"I thought back to…"

There is no need for him to end that sentence for I know he was back in his cell for a brief moment. "That’s in the past," I say, trying to soothe him.

"I hope so," Marcus stutters.

His tone reveals he isn’t that sure it’s the truth. "You’re afraid Shitaro will find you," I state with certainty.

"Yes."

The single word expresses his terror and I need to reassure him he’s safe. "Never again will he lay his hands on you," I vow. "I will stop him…"

"But what if you aren’t around?" Marcus mumbles in a hurt tone.

"Then my crew will deal with Shitaro."

"Your crew?" Confused, Marcus looks up.

"Yes, Vallo and Langar will never allow Shitaro to get close to you." Staring in to Marcus’ eyes I add, "You made friends on the Ingata, don’t you know that?"

"No, I never thought about that…"

My fingertips glide down his brow and then examine his facial hair. "Marcus, the Ingata is your home… if you desire that."

Speechless, Marcus stares back at me. "Just hold me," he whispers and I eagerly comply.

The next morning I wake with Marcus resting in my arms. With a start, I realize I fell asleep on the couch, sleeping in the horizontal. The book dropped on to the floor and his hands rest on my chest. He looks at peace and I press a kiss on his brow, vowing to never leave him.

part 14

MARCUS

Alert, I watch every move Langar makes. He has been working on my right ankle for about 30 minutes now and although the procedure is painless I’m eager to get out of here. Neroon dropped me off and as I followed Langar, Neroon took to pacing the waiting area. I love seeing him concerned as it proves that he cares for me, loves me. I need him to love me right now and I treasure the knowledge that I’m important to him.

"Marcus? You appear lost in thought," Langar says slightly curious.

"I’m thinking about Neroon," I admit. "I’m falling in love with him." It took me some time to admit that to myself, but the truth has finally kicked in. Waking up in his arms this morning forced me to face my feelings.

"I’m happy for both of you," Langar replies pleased.

A sigh flees my lips as he puts my foot in a cast. "Is that necessary?"

"Yes, and you should avoid putting pressure on it for two weeks," Langar replies in a strict tone.

"That long?" I say unhappy. I want to start getting back in shape and Neroon promised to help me, but now it looks like that will have to wait for at least 8 more weeks!

"At least! And once that ankle has healed we will repeat the procedure and at last we will correct your wrists."

"I wish it were already over and done with," I confess, knowing that taking it step-by-step will be easier on me. Using the pike I walk to the doorway and softly call out, "Neroon?" He’s beside me within seconds and his eyes reveal worry. "I’m fine, Neroon," I assure him and grab his right arm for support.

Neroon looks questioningly at Langar. "Did everything go as planned?"

"Yes, but see to it he rests," Langar says and bows before taking leave.

Suddenly I realize Neroon’s concerned look remains and my instincts kick in. "Did something happen? You look worried." Neroon is reluctant to talk to me and I force him to stop walking. "Neroon, tell me!" I urge him on and finally he looks me in the eyes.

"I received two messages within the last hour. One originated from Shakiri, the other from Delenn."

Cautious I study his eyes. "What are they about?" Neroon is hiding something from me. Maybe he’s worried I can’t deal with it yet and I accept that concern.

"Shakiri is planning to attack Yedor to seize power on Minbar. The civil war…"

"Wait!" I freeze in my tracks. "What civil war?

"I didn’t tell you…" Neroon starts nervously.

"Then tell me now!" I demand and can’t believe he kept this from me! Thankfully we reached his quarters and while collapsing my new pike I take a seat on the couch. Astonished, I notice the bed in the corner of the room. Neroon ordered it made, but I didn’t expect the Minbari to succeed in constructing it! "What civil war?" I remind him and tell myself to focus on our conversation. Neroon is once more pacing the room and his eyes are fixed on the floor. His tone worries me.

"A few weeks ago the warrior caste decided to take advantage of the power vacuum. Shakiri will force the religious caste to go along with his ideas. Should they refuse he will destroy them or they will be forced to surrender.

As we speak, warriors are attacking members of the religious caste and the situation is turning worse with every passing moment. We are dealing with a global civil war and Shakiri is determined to become the new leader of the Grey Council which Delenn broke."

Trying to deal with this new information I suddenly realize how Shitaro might fit in. "Shitaro hates humans and…" Unable to end that sentence I rest my hands in my lap, their deformity evidence of Shitaro’s hate.

"Yes," Neroon admits and looks up, "But now Delenn refuses to give in to Shakiri’s demands and wants to talk to me instead." Neroon averts his eyes. "At the moment we are on route to rendez vous with her ship."

Uneasy I shift on the sofa. "I’m not yet ready to face Delenn," I state nervously.

"She never has to know it’s you," Neroon says reassuringly as he sits down.

I allow him to pull me in to his lap until I straddle his hips. Slightly uncomfortable I adjust my position and lock eyes with him to find out what’s he up to.

"I wish to kiss you," Neroon whispers softly.

My heart misses a beat at the sudden change in his eyes, which are now clear with desire. My hands tremble as I rest them against his chest. "I can deal with that," I say hesitantly. As Neroon makes no move I realize I’m supposed to take that first step. Scared because I don’t know what to expect from Neroon, I lightly brush his lips.

"Only kiss me if you’re comfortable with me that," Neroon advises me.

I nod my head and ponder my next step. He envelops me in an embrace and I allow him to press me closer to his chest. Neroon won’t do anything without me instigating it and I feel safe enough to claim his lips again, but then an image of Shitaro cruelly grinning at me makes me feel sick and the dry heaves start again. "I’m sorry," I gulp between heaves while Neroon tightly holds me.

"There is no need to apologize," Neroon says in an understanding tone.

He soothingly rubs my back and I slowly calm down enough to look up at him again. "I can’t get him out of my mind," I moan in despair.

"Working through this takes time, Marcus. Don’t push yourself," Neroon says in a gentle, yet chiding tone. "It’s obvious you’re not ready to take this step."

As he holds me Neroon places one kiss on my brow. In silence I listen to his heartbeat. "Will I ever be ready?" I ask, scared to learn the answer.

"Yes," Neroon says resolved.

That answer makes me smile. "You surprise me time and time again, Neroon. I never took you for being patient." Snuggling up to him I close my eyes and let go of all apprehension and fear. Neroon is right. I need more time. "How long until the rendez vous?" I want to know so I can mentally prepare myself to face Delenn. Even without her knowing what happened to me it will be hard to hear her voice again. I failed her, as I never accomplished my mission.

"Two hours," Neroon says and sighs deeply. "I vow she will never know it’s you."

"Thanks, that means a lot to me. I want to help her, serve her as I should, but… I no longer am a ranger, not at heart." I chide myself for my cowardly behavior but I can’t look in to Delenn’s eyes yet. She’ll see the shame in them.

Looking in to the mirror I realize Neroon spoke the truth. The hood covers my face and no one can see my features. That knowledge makes me feel safe.

"Delenn is about to come aboard," Neroon says.

I shiver seeing him in his uniform and I reach for support as Shitaro’s appearance haunts me again. "I hate that uniform," I hiss and my loathing surprises me. If Shitaro were here I would try to kill the bastard.

"I know, Marcus, but…"

I cut him short, knowing he can’t greet Delenn wearing robes. "I guess I have to look at your eyes for reassurance," I say in an unguarded moment.

Neroon nods his head once. "This won’t take long."

Walking through the corridors I tightly clasp the pike, which enables me to keep my balance. The cast around my foot strangely enough helps me to stay on my feet, supplying extra support. "Will you choose Delenn’s side in this?" I ask curiously. After getting to know Neroon I can’t believe he will back up Shakiri.

"Probably, but I want to talk to her first," Neroon replies as we reach a cordon of warriors.

At the opposite side of the corridor Delenn appears, her eyes on fire and her brow determined. I cringe, realizing Lennier is accompanying her. I honestly don’t fear Delenn discovering I’m hiding onboard the Ingata but Lennier is way more perceptive as one might think.

I take a step back, bow my head and make sure the hood hides my face. Shaken by the sudden confrontation I’m unable to make out Delenn and Neroon’s words, but then the warriors make way for Delenn and Lennier to pass. Neroon gestures me to stay close and I choose to walk on his right, as far away as possible from Delenn and Lennier. I can’t risk being discovered!

I’m way too nervous for this to work and as we arrive at Neroon’s office I pull up a chair to sit down to his right at a safe distance from Delenn. I’m still not paying any attention to their conversation as I’m closely observing Lennier who, undoubtedly out of habit, has taken it upon himself to pour the ceremonial tea. Lennier first serves Delenn, then Neroon and in the end he offers me a cup. Afraid to make any mistakes I hesitate to accept it. My hands are sweaty and shaky and I am afraid I’ll drop the cup on to the floor.

The look Lennier gives me sends shivers down my spine. He places the cup on Neroon’s desk and then takes up position behind Delenn, but I can feel him watching me. His eyes seem to pierce my disguise and I fight to keep in control of my emotions. The last thing I need is for the dry heaves to start again!

Focus on the conversation! I tell myself and zeroing in on Neroon’s voice, I realize they are talking about the civil war. Delenn wants his help in establishing a truce. Absent-minded I reach for the cup of tea, forgetting about being discovered as I ponder Neroon’s dilemma. Supporting Delenn means turning his back on his own caste.

"I will consider your request," Neroon says and nods his head. "I share your concern for our people."

"I know you do, Neroon," Delenn replies, "You will act for the good of our people."

At that moment I realize Delenn trusts Neroon and slightly confused I accidentally drop the cup. Lennier hurries to my side to pick it up and I try to make myself as small as possible in the chair. Lennier is getting on my nerves and I wish I could retreat from this conversation. As I’m about to look pleadingly at Neroon he starts talking.

"I want to discuss this with my counsel in private before making a decision."

With a start I realize he’s talking about me! Delenn’s eyes try to catch mine and I retreat even deeper in to the shadows of my hood. Ashamed and disgraced I can’t face her, face my failure.

"Of course," she agrees and rises to her feet.

"We will talk again within the hour," Neroon informs her, "You are my guests in the meantime. Vallo will show you to your temporary quarters."

I manage to get to my feet as well, but fatigued the pike slips from my fingers and crashes on to the floor. I can’t bend down to pick it up. I would certainly lose balance and take a fall.

Delenn already reached the doorway but gestures Lennier to assist me. Neroon also hurries to steady me, but can’t prevent that Lennier and I make eye contact as the young Minbari hands me the pike.

Pleadingly I stare in to Lennier’s eyes. Please, don’t let him betray my secret! Lennier’s eyes focus on Neroon and I read the questions in his expression. I slightly shake my head and pray he didn’t recognize me for certain. Please let him doubt that he recognized my eyes. Please God, let Lennier think he mistook me for someone else! I curl my fingers around the pike and hold on to it, while Lennier takes several steps away from me, reclaiming his place at Delenn’s side.

"I trust you are not hurt?" Delenn enquires in a concerned tone.

I don’t know what to say, as she seems concerned. Afraid of being discovered I squeeze Neroon’s hand for support. I will betray my identity by speaking up!

"Please excuse my counsel as he is still recovering from injuries he sustained back home on Minbar," Neroon quickly interjects.

Thankfully I lock eyes with him. Neroon saved me again. Bowing towards Delenn I wish I could tell her how much it means to me to see her safe. Trying to settle this civil war puts her in danger.

"Neroon, that reminds me…" Delenn starts.

As she walks up to us I freeze in terror.

"I want a word in private with you, now," she says, putting stress on that last word.

Neroon can’t refuse such a request and I let go of him, hoping Lennier will leave the room as well to prepare for Delenn’s short stay onboard the Ingata.

Delenn and Neroon depart, leaving me behind in Lennier’s company. Well, if he isn’t going to leave I will! I can’t cope with him looking at me like that much longer. What if he knows it’s me? No, that’s impossible. Delenn and Lennier must be convinced I died on that mission, as I never returned. I almost reached the door as Lennier’s soft voice echoes through the room.

"Where are you going, Marcus?"

"What did you call me?" I stutter nervously. Maybe I can convince Lennier he mistook me for someone else. I'm about to deny his statement as he addresses me again while taking a few steps towards me. I back away; keen on keeping some distance between us.

"Marcus, we thought you had died as you did not contact us after you went after Shitaro," Lennier says in a tone mixed with concern and relief.

Hearing him speak that name I heavily lean on the pike. I don't want to be reminded of him. "Don't speak that name!" I ask pleadingly as memories fight their way back into my mind.

"Marcus, you are shaking! Please sit down." Lennier says.

He sneaks his arm underneath mine, as he wants to help me sit down, but I cringe. "Don't touch me!" I yelp and step away from him. The sudden movement causes the hood to drop on to my shoulders.

"Marcus, what?" Lennier starts in an upset tone.

The terror in my eyes has given me away and I tremble while sitting down in the chair. Lennier joins me and silently looks me in the eyes.

"You need to explain this to me, Marcus. Do you know how worried Delenn is about you? She thinks Shitaro killed you."

"In a way he did," I whisper and pull the robes closer to my body. I'm ice cold and can't stand the way Lennier is looking at me with so much sympathy, yet at the same time curiosity simmers in his eyes. "I don't want anyone to know I'm still alive," I explain to him.

"Why? You are a ranger. Delenn should know you are still alive," Lennier says, not understanding what's going on.

"I failed her! I didn't succeed in killing Shita..." I can't bring myself to speak his name and my breathing quickens.

"What did he do to you?" Lennier says as sudden revelation hits him.

"He tortured me," I say gingerly, unwilling to go in to any details. "Neroon helped me escape. My body might never heal... I'm no longer capable of performing my duties as a ranger. That's why I want you and Delenn to think I'm dead."

"I never suspected..." Lennier's voice drops. "You cannot keep silent, Marcus. Delenn deserves to know. She's Ranger One."

"I don't want her to know," I admit fatigued, repeating myself all over again. "Don't you understand, Lennier? Marcus Cole died in that cell. I'm not he!"

"Marcus," Lennier starts in a concerned tone.

He wants to reassuringly touch my hand, but I pull back on reflex. I don't want him to touch me. I know he won't hurt me, but this distance makes me feel safe. "Save your breath, Lennier. My mind is made up. I'll stay with Neroon."

"But... you are not Minbari! They will never accept you." Lennier is shaking his head. "I am concerned for you, Marcus. Come back to the station with us. You are sorely missed."

"By whom? Except for you and Delenn I can't think of anyone!" I counter, retrieving back in to my protective shell.

"Doctor Franklin regularly comes by to ask for new information and so do Commander Ivanova and Mr. Garibaldi. You have far more friends on the station than you realize, Marcus."

"Susan is worried about me?" I repeat stunned. "She’s probably only worried because she’s afraid I might return to bug her again."

"You are wrong," Lennier points out. "She has been rather persistent in finding out more about your last mission and your disappearance."

"That's just professional interest," I object and close my eyes. I can never look Susan in the eyes ever again. I'd feel unworthy and misplaced on the station.

"I see you convinced yourself that none of your friends care for you," Lennier states in a trembling tone. "I cannot imagine what torture Shitaro subjected you to, but it still affects you greatly."

This time Lennier succeeds in taking hold of my left hand. I'm stunned. Not so long ago he told me to never touch him!

"Please reconsider your decision when the time is right. Your place is on Babylon 5, not here onboard a Minbari war cruiser."

"I can't leave Neroon," I whisper in a broken tone. The last thing I want is to hear that I'm missed back on the station.

"Why? Is he forcing you to stay?" Lennier asks in a curious tone.

"No," I quickly explain and notice the odd look on Lennier's face as he discovers my deformed hands. "I want to stay here."

"You cannot face us," Lennier suddenly understands.

I cringe and realize in that instance that he suspects what happened to me at Shitaro's hands. "Let me go." I free myself of his hold and struggle to my feet. Lennier reacts as well and helps me to my feet.

"There is no need to run away, Marcus. You =must= know we care for you, that we will support you, help you in whatever way is required. Why not let Doctor Franklin have a look at your injuries?" Lennier's tone is tense.

"Lennier, no!" I exclaim and hurry towards the doorway. "I'm staying here and I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't tell Delenn about our conversation."

"I cannot make that promise," Lennier says in a chiding tone. "She needs to know the truth."

"No, she doesn't!" I protest fiercely. "I'm no longer of use to her anyway! Just let this rest, Lennier, please," I add pleadingly. I'm not certain about the look in Lennier's eyes, but I can see he's torn. "For old times sake, Lennier let me live here and keep some of my dignity. I don't want pity. Just don't bring it up on your own accord. I know you can't lie to Delenn, but..." Drained, I lean against the wall. I need to lie down, rest, to get this out of my head. Why did they have to come now while I was starting to recover? Now everything is upside down and I feel guilty for hiding from Delenn.

"I can promise that," Lennier gives in, but his eyes remain apprehensive. "I wish you would reconsider, Marcus. We can help you heal back on the station."

"Neroon is helping me heal and I..." Lost for words I stumble in to the corridor, leaving Lennier bewildered behind. I can't deal with this yet.

part 15

NEROON

Studying Delenn I wonder what she’s struggling with. The civil war greatly worries her, yes, but I’ve got the feeling she wants to address a personal matter. Why else ask for privacy?

"I need your help," she finally says in an awkward tone.

I’m surprised. Delenn doesn’t easily admit her needs. "In what matter?"

"My rangers told me you know Shitaro?" she says cautiously and halts in the middle of the corridor.

I stop walking as well, trying to hide my nervousness. Why is she interested in my ties to Shitaro? "Yes, I know him," I admit and hate almost overwhelms me. One day Shitaro will pay for the pain he caused Marcus!

"I ordered one of my rangers to… gather information about Shitaro’s current operations," Delenn continues in a nervous tone.

To gather information? I thought Marcus’ assignment had been to terminate Shitaro’s existence? I decide to act ignorant. "Shitaro is hard to track down."

"Yes," she starts, "I realize that."

"What do you want from me?" I ask her directly.

"I want you to make some inquires about the ranger I sent out," she suddenly blurts out. "His name is Marcus Cole. You fought him in Down Below."

I fight to stay in control of my facial expression and emotions. I promised Marcus to keep his secret and I will. "I remember that human. I will try to find out what happened to him."

"Thank you, Neroon," Delenn says and starts walking again.

I’m surprised at her tone, her expression, and ask, "You seem worried about him."

"He is a ranger and I am responsible for their well being," she replies.

Delenn averts her eyes and as I pause she’s forced to halt again as well. "Is that the only reason why you are concerned for him?"

"I care for him as a friend," Delenn says reluctantly.

This reply pleases me, but I don’t express that emotion. "You should not grow attached to them," I berate her. "They live and =die= for the One." I wonder about my hard tone. Maybe I’m angry with her for sending Marcus in alone.

"Are you telling me Marcus is dead?" Delenn suddenly asks in an upset tone. Her eyes are big and concerned.

"No." I quickly correct. "I will make the inquiries you desire and will inform you once I know more." This is the first time ever I told a lie as it doesn’t even qualify as a half-truth. Surprisingly, I don’t feel bad or guilty about it as I’m carrying out Marcus’ wish.

"I hope he is still alive," Delenn admits unexpectedly.

"What is special about this human?" I want to know, asking that question on impulse as I suspect she is holding back.

"He has great potential, Neroon and I fear I made a mistake in sending him out without back up."

Stunned, I listen to her honest admission and my respect for her grows. "Warriors know about the risks involved," I try soothing her worries. "You must have sent men on dangerous missions before."

"I have," she confesses. Finally, she locks eyes with me. "But Marcus is different. I want him on the station, close to me."

"Why?" I question again, determined to uncover her true reasons for worrying about Marcus.

"It is personal, Neroon," she replies evasively.

I wonder whether I can get away with pushing her further… I decide to try. "I need all the information I can get if I want to find him." There, I’ll leave it up to her to honor or dismiss that request.

"I’m training him to be Ranger One. He does not know this." Delenn stares into my eyes. "I want it to stay that way. Should you find him I wish for him to return to Babylon 5 as quickly as possible."

"I didn’t know that," I admit. She’s chosen Marcus as her successor? In that case I need to reconsider my priorities. Maybe Marcus needs to return to the space station after all. "I will do my best," I say with an absent-minded tone and return to my office where I left Marcus in Lennier’s company.

Instead of Marcus I find Lennier waiting for me. His confused expression tells me something upset him. Did he recognize Marcus during that one moment of eye contact they had? "I think Delenn will need your services," I say in a callous tone, hoping to dismiss him without allowing him to ask any questions.

"I will attend to her needs in a moment, but first…" Lennier turns around and straightens his shoulders. "First I want to know why Marcus feels like he cannot leave you or the Ingata. What did you do to him?"

"So you know =part= of the truth." I study him. "Did Marcus tell you why he wants to stay?"

"He has gone in to hiding here on the Ingata. I can only assume Shitaro hurt him tremendously and Marcus is now ruled by his fear," Lennier says in a calm tone.

"Yes, Shitaro =broke= him," I say stressing that word, "and Marcus needs time to heal."

Lennier looks away and I read regret, maybe even guilt in his eyes.

"We knew it was wrong to send him after Shitaro on his own, but…"

"Why did Delenn do it? She must have had a reason." I sit down behind my desk and without Lennier noticing it I send Vallo a message, asking him to check on Marcus. I’m worried about him now that Lennier confronted him.

Lennier hesitates, but I relentlessly push on. I’m way too deep in this matter to back down now. "She is training him to become Ranger One," I state and watch his reaction. Lennier hardly seems surprised.

"That is true. She devised this to be his Moradum, the ultimate test," Lennier’s voice trembles audibly.

"Religious caste…" I say in a displeased tone. "You think you understand warrior caste traditions, but you fail to see the deeper meaning of this ritual." Fighting frustration I shift in my chair. "Moradum is about facing one’s fear, one’s dark side. It is =not= about sending men in to certain death."

"We never expected Shitaro to live!" Lennier objects. "We did not know Marcus looked upon it as a suicide mission!"

"You made a terrible mistake in judgement," I chide him. "A warrior is always prepared to die, as we are already dead. Of course Marcus would see it as his final mission!"

"The damage," Lennier says and then grows quiet, "can it ever be undone?"

"No," I say, shaking my head. "You delivered him in to the claws of insanity."

"Once Delenn finds out the consequences of her deed…" Lennier looks up. "We need to do what is best for Marcus."

For once I agree. "It’s clear that one day he will have to return to Babylon 5 to reclaim his position. If Delenn really wants him to be the next Ranger One we have to push Marcus towards recovery. I don’t know whether he can take that truth yet."

Lennier nods his head. "Please let me know what I can do to help."

"To start with, don’t tell Delenn about Marcus. He will reveal himself once he’s ready." My eyes are drawn to an incoming message. It’s from Vallo, informing me Marcus is in my private quarters. Relieved I clasp my hands. "Tell Delenn that I want to speak with her in 30 minutes. I will come to her quarters and Marcus will accompany me. You are not allowed to tell Delenn who my counsel is."

"I will trust you in this," Lennier says, giving in. As he walks to the door he turns around. "I consider Marcus a good friend and I want to help."

"I know," I admit, "but at the moment there’s nothing you can do, Lennier. Marcus must fight his nemesis alone. Right now shame consumes him and he needs time to deal with that." Getting up from behind the desk I walk up to him. It’s important he understands what I’m trying to say. "Marcus can’t deal with his past yet. Push him further and you will push him over the edge and he might never find his way back."

"I understand," Lennier admits and bows slightly. "I will now join Delenn and rely your message to her."

"Excellent," I whisper and watch him step in to the corridor. The moment he vanishes from sight I walk in the opposite direction to talk to Marcus.

As I enter my quarters I find Marcus sitting on the couch, pretending to read a book. His hands shake and he places the book on his lap. His eyes tell me he’s bordering on the edge of sanity. I’ll have to proceed with extreme caution. "Marcus, Lennier told me he recognized you," I say, testing his mood.

"Sorry? Wasn’t listening," Marcus whispers.

He appears absorbed in his book and I hate doing this to him, but it’s time to find out where we stand. "Strange," I state, "you are holding the book upside down." Marcus gives me a confused look and then flings the book on the floor. His action tells me to be careful. His reactions are hard to predict. "Lennier is concerned about you," I say and sit down opposite him.

"Why didn’t you keep them away from me?" Marcus demands to know in a tense tone. "I don’t want to talk to them. I am not your counsel, damnit!"

"You are upset because Lennier cares about you." I lean forward and as he shies away I know I’ve got to keep my distance. "Delenn also expressed her concern. She asked me to make inquiries about your well being."

"What did you tell her?" Marcus asks in a cracked tone.

"That I will try finding you. She doesn’t know you’re my counsel." I realize I will have to break my promise to Delenn, as Marcus needs to know her plans involving him. "Delenn wants you to return to Babylon 5. She wants you close and realizes she made a mistake in sending you off alone." I privately chide her for misinterpreting the art of Moradum.

"I’ll never go back there!" Marcus states vehemently and pulls up his legs to rest his elbows on his knees.

He looks lost to me, but I refrain from reaching out. "She also told me she wants you as the next Ranger One, that she is training you to one day accept that calling." Marcus’ eyes dash crazed in their sockets. I don’t regret telling him. Marcus must know this in order to make the right choices.

"I? Ranger One? That woman is insane!" Marcus states hurt.

I watch him concerned as he hides behind his mask. "Marcus," I start and slide towards him. I take hold of his hand and he doesn’t pull back. "I think you should talk to Delenn."

"No!" Marcus exclaims.

He glares at me with a fury I haven’t seen before. He’s angry! Angry with me, the universe… "Your destiny awaits you."

"You promised I could stay here!" Marcus yelps at a loss.

"I will keep that promise, but… you belong with the rangers, Marcus," I softly berate him and realize he doesn’t understand my reasons for urging him to face Delenn. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I take a deep breath, preparing myself. "Marcus," I curl my fingers around his and raise his chin so he has to look me in the eyes. "I love you," I start, searching for the right words to express my feelings, "and because of that love I want what is best for you. You will be Ranger One someday, lead them in to battle. If that is your place you need to compose yourself and face your fears. I want to keep you here, stay with you. I want to hold you as long as you live," I say in a shaky tone and I cherish the fact that his fingers squeeze mine reassuringly. "But understand this. I will love you from a distance if necessary. If your place is on Babylon 5 with your mentor I will do my best to convince you to try again."

"I need you close."

"Why are you so determined to keep them out?" I want to know and rest my forehead against his. Marcus doesn’t close his eyes and I realize that should he decide to return to Babylon 5 I might have to accompany him. I know one thing for certain; Marcus can’t do this alone.

"I don’t want their pity," Marcus sighs.

Caressing his soft skin I ask, "What do you see when looking in my eyes? Do you see pity?"

"No," Marcus moans, "I only see love and affection."

I’m surprised as he lightly brushes my lips. "The next time you look in to Lennier’s eyes, study them closely and you will find no pity in them either. They =care= for you."

Marcus breathes into my mouth as he deepens the kiss. I let him, knowing it’s important for him to see how far he can take this.

"I promise to study them," Marcus says.

As he pushes me on to my back I caress his face, wondering how far he wants to go. I will let him set the pace and follow him wherever he wants to go.

part 16

Marcus

I lose myself staring in to his eyes and for the first time I =really= notice their color. "You’ve got brown, almost black eyes," I remark, feeling shy all of a sudden, lying sprawled all over him like this.

"Yes, you are close enough to notice that," Neroon replies amused. A hint of a smile curls his lips.

"I don’t know why I’m doing this," I admit, realizing I pushed Neroon on to his back. I’m lying on top of his warm body, waiting for his reaction.

"I like it when you kiss me," Neroon says in a soft tone.

"Giving me directions?" I whisper, appreciating his consideration and encouragement.

"Do you need any?" Neroon quips.

Neroon’s eyes study my every movement. I see hesitation in them and his hands remain at his side, refraining from touching me. "Yes," I moan. "I need you to tell me what to do."

"What would you like to do, bearing in mind that we have to be in Delenn’s quarters in 20 minutes?"

"You’re teasing me!" I state and sit upright, now straddling his hips. There’s nothing Neroon can do to scare me. I trust him completely. "I would like to feel your bare skin against mine… nothing more," I quickly add, afraid Neroon might draw the wrong conclusions.

"That can be arranged, but later," Neroon says and his tone sounds awed. "I admire your courage, Marcus."

"My courage? What courage?" I ask confused.

"To try and love again… must be an immense step for you. After being hurt like that you must feel disillusioned."

I hold my breath briefly before forming an answer. "I love you, but more importantly, I =trust= you, Neroon," I confess in a shaky tone. His hand fingers my hair and I wonder how it feels to him. "How do you think I look? Do you consider me attractive?" Suddenly his answer is very important to me.

"You are more than attractive," Neroon whispers. "You are seductive."

His answer makes me smile. "Seductive? How can you find me seductive?"

"Your voice, the expression in your eyes…" Suddenly Neroon stops speaking.

"What?" I want to know, guessing he wanted to say something that probably would have upset me.

"One day you will regain your old grace and speed." Nervously, Neroon looks up.

Hesitantly I allow my fingers to trace the outline of his face and once more I’m confronted with my hands’ deformity. Shitaro’s guards broke every bone in my hands and wrists before they moved on to my ankles. It’s a miracle I’m still alive. No, it’s a curse.

"These injuries will heal," Neroon says reassuringly.

I want to shake my head, but as he kisses my fingertips I grow speechless. Neroon’s eyes are big and I wish I could dive inside his mind and find out what he’s thinking about. In the end I can’t resist the temptation to ask him to share his thoughts and emotions with me.

"For the first time since you arrived here," Neroon says in a calm tone, "I see a new emotion in your eyes. I’m wondering if it’s love."

I swallow hard hearing that admission. "Yes," I whisper hoarsely. "I love you, Neroon, but I don’t know how to express that physically. I’m scared."

"Marcus, I’m nervous as well," Neroon suddenly states. "Except for Narrier…"

"How much time do we have left?" I ask and tentatively rub my fingers over his bone crest. "I always wondered… do you have sensation in your bone crest?"

"Ten more minutes," Neroon starts, and then sighs heavily as he closes his eyes. "Oh, yes, I certainly possess sensation in that part of…"

I grin as his tongue licks his lips in anticipation, but at the same time I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. I shouldn’t be doing this to Neroon, knowing I can’t give him the pleasure he deserves.

"One more kiss and then we’ve got to go," Neroon decides resolved.

Relieved, I nod my head. "One more kiss," I agree and privately thank God for providing me with a way out. It does serve as a reminder to keep my distance in the future. Surprised I feel Neroon’s tongue seeking entrance to the inside of my mouth and confused I don’t know what to do. I started this and now I’m trapped!

"Marcus?"

Neroon’s voice betrays his sudden worry and I quickly use this opportunity to break the kiss and slide off the sofa. Staring at the wall I stutter, "I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that… I misled you in to thinking that…"

Neroon rises from the couch as well and takes up position at my side. "There’s no need to apologize, Marcus. I gladly accept what you offer me, but I understand the limitations involved."

His tone is understanding and considerate and on impulse I wrap my arms around him. Neroon’s surprise shows as he rests his head on my shoulder and for the first time our roles seem slightly reversed. I love him for giving me the time to heal. "Promise me that you’ll never leave me!" I demand in a strangely emotional tone, like a sense of foreboding is warning me I’m going to lose him too soon.

"I will always be with you in heart and soul," Neroon vows and raises his head to lock eyes. "No matter the distance I promise to be at your side."

I awkwardly fumble the necklace Neroon gave me. I’ve been wearing it ever since. "I would like to give you something in return."

"I suggest you think about that later or we will be late for our meeting with Delenn."

"And Lennier," I add apprehensively. "What if he tells Delenn who I am?"

"He won’t do that. Trust me on this," Neroon says reassuringly.

I don’t have any choice and follow his lead. After pulling the hood over my head I check my appearance in the mirror. Satisfied I’m unrecognizable I fall in to step beside Neroon, using my pike as support and grabbing his arm for comfort.

As we arrive at Delenn’s temporary quarters I stay close to Neroon. He seems to notice me following him about and gestures me to take a seat. I reluctantly comply, irritated by the fact that I can’t talk. That would uncover my identity and yet I want to communicate with Neroon when necessary.

I remember a form of sign language they taught us during training. It is used in situations where sounds can attract an attacker. Before I realize what I’m doing I’m using to ask Neroon to stay near. Neroon cocks his head, obviously surprised. With one sign he tells me to trust him. I bury my hands in my sleeves, reassured I can still communicate with him.

"Your counsel is using a ranger technique?" Delenn remarks very observantly and the conversation she had with Neroon comes to a momentary stop.

Feeling trapped I wonder what to do. Lennier is giving me encouraging looks. He wants me to reveal myself to Delenn, but I won’t do that. She’ll insist I return to Babylon 5 with her and I can’t do without Neroon’s support. I need him!

"This way of communication was used by the warrior caste long before the rangers adopted it," Neroon says, "The rangers use a large number of warrior caste techniques."

"You are right, of course," Delenn agrees, not really convinced.

Her intense green eyes almost burn themselves through my hood. Did Lennier tell her after all?

"You were talking about Shakiri before we left off," Neroon reminds her.

I decide to pay more attention to the conversation and while leaning back I ignore Lennier’s persistent glance.

"The warrior caste cannot be allowed to win this war, nor can the religious caste," Delenn says calmly.

As she sits down next to me I barely contain the urge to leap to my feet.

"I still maintain that your plan is too dangerous." Neroon remarks.

He takes a few steps closer to me and now I feel trapped in-between them. I wish I knew what plan are they talking about.

"To lure Shakiri to the temple of Varanni is our best option. He will never die for his people inside the Starfire."

Delenn crooks her head speaking those words and fixes her eyes on me. I don’t know how long I can bear to be stared at in this way.

"But stepping in to the Starfire wheel is madness," Neroon remarks in an uncomfortable tone.

Starfire? What are they talking about? I try catching Neroon’s eyes but he is too focused on Delenn to notice my attempt.

"But you will step out of the wheel once Shakiri has shown his true colors?" Neroon asks concerned.

"Yes," Delenn replies.

But I’ve heard that tone before. Delenn uses it when twisting the truth. It’s obvious she has made plans and isn’t sharing them with Neroon. Maybe I can point that out to him later. For the first time I feel remotely useful in this encounter.

"I will contact Shakiri and try setting up a meeting at the temple of Varanni," Neroon says reluctantly.

"You must act convincingly," Delenn adds in a thoughtful tone. "He must believe you are willing to lure me in to a trap."

I raise my head and wish Neroon would answer my gaze, but he’s still studying Delenn.

"I will play my role. He will think me a traitor. This might take some time though," Neroon warns her.

"Time is something we do not have, Neroon," Delenn says fatigued. "I fear Shakiri will attack Yedor and demand the surrender of the religious caste."

"That hasn’t happened yet," Neroon points out.

I get to my feet and feel relieved as Neroon takes my right arm to support me. Walking about like this is draining me after resting in bed for weeks.

"I will contact Shakiri," Neroon says and turns away from Delenn. "I assume you wish to return to your White Star until we can make our move?"

"No," Delenn replies quickly, "Lennier and I will stay here. These quarters are satisfactory. It will be good for both our crews to see we trust each other."

Bugger! This is the last thing I need! With them staying onboard I run the risk of encountering them more often. I don’t want to hide in the shadows of my hood constantly! I can hear Neroon admonishing me, telling me to reveal myself to them! No, I won’t do that. It’s bad enough Lennier already knows the truth.

"Neroon," Delenn says softly, calling him back.

I also stop walking as Neroon turns around.

"Yes?" Neroon says patiently.

"Did you already make those inquiries?" Delenn asks in an uncertain tone.

I suddenly realize she’s asking about me and I bow my head in defeat. Neroon won’t tell Delenn what he knows. Only when I consent to it will he inform her. I sense his hesitance to answer her request. I didn’t yet tell him what I want him to say.

"I’m waiting for my contacts to call in. Nothing yet, so far."

Hearing his answer I feel uncomfortable. I wish he had told Delenn I was reported in dead, but then he would be lying and I don’t know if Lennier would keep quiet in that case. I need to do some serious thinking about this!

"I will contact you the moment I receive information about Shakiri or Marcus Cole," Neroon says, using the name on purpose.

I notice the poignant tone and tighten my hold on his arm. The moment we arrive at his quarters I need to talk this through with him.

part 17

Neroon

"We need to talk."

Marcus’ tone arouses my attention. He has been preoccupied since we left Delenn’s quarters. I wonder what’s going on in his mind. "About Delenn’s request to find you," I say, taking an educated guess.

Marcus nods his head and pulls back the hood to reveal his face. His eyes are haunted and I realize he needs to get this out in the open. "Let’s sit down first. You are straining your ankles," I remark, slightly concerned to see him pacing for the first time. "Langar told you to rest!" Marcus sits down and I take a seat next to him. "What do you want me to tell Delenn?" I hope he will make the right decision, if not I will =try= to change his mind.

"You can’t tell her I’m dead now Lennier knows the truth," Marcus says eventually, sounding fatigued.

His fingers curl around mine and I nod my head. "A wise decision, Marcus. You need to leave this opportunity open. We both know you’ll return to Babylon 5 one day."

"Neroon, what do you think I should do?" Marcus asked confused.

"I suggest you let Delenn know you’re still alive, but that your injuries are so severe that you can’t travel at the moment. That will reassure her you’re alive and we would still be telling the truth." I caress his trembling fingers and feel sympathetic to his worries. "I will accompany you to the space station if necessary. I will stay as long as you need me," I add to comfort him.

"Would you really do that?" Marcus asks stunned. "Would you really leave the Ingata to be with me?"

"Marcus, I would defy death to be with you." Valen help me, but it’s the truth. I never felt this deeply for another living being before.

"Don’t make promises you can’t keep," Marcus says in a berating tone, but smiles at the same time.

"Now you must excuse me," I say and walk towards the doorway. "I need to make a few calls to Shakiri and then I’ve got to contact Delenn to inform her you’re still alive."

"Neroon," Marcus says hesitantly.

I look at him; sitting on one end of the couch he looks lost. "Everything will be fine in the end," I reassure him. "Why don’t you take a bath in the meantime? It will sooth you."

"I might just do that," Marcus replies and stares at the wall.

"I will be back in one hour." My heart feels strangely heavy as I leave to inform Shakiri and Delenn.

Shakiri reacts as predicted. He agrees to travel to the temple of Varanni where we will meet in two days. Next, I contact Delenn and she is also pleased to hear this news. "He didn’t appear suspicious," I inform her, knowing how important it is to fool Shakiri until the Starfire wheel opens.

"Good," Delenn replies and exchanges a glance with Lennier who stands behind her. "Do you know anything about Marcus yet?"

"My contacts tell me he is alive, but seriously wounded. He requested to stay where he is until he is capable of traveling the distance to Babylon 5."

"Valen be praised that he is alive," Delenn sighs obviously relieved. "I hope his injuries will heal soon."

I catch Lennier’s smile, but don’t react to it. There is another matter I have to address before things escalate. "I’ve also noticed that your crew and mine are having problems getting along. I expect trouble," I say worried, "One of my men warned me certain individuals are planning an uproar. I am meeting one of these upstarts later today."

"Keep me informed," Delenn replies in a concerned tone. "I will speak with my crew," Delenn promises. "Some of them are worried we will surrender and give up all our rights."

"Do that," I advise her. "Talk to them. We have to confront the enemy together."

Terminating the connection I check on the time. I still have 3 hours left until I have to talk to these supposed rioters and I want to spend that time with Marcus.

Stepping inside my private rooms I notice Marcus sitting on the sofa only wrapped in two large towels. It looks like he followed my suggestion and took a bath. "Marcus?" I ask tentatively as his stare is blank, fixed on nothing in particular. I slowly approach him and now notice he’s trembling all over his body. "Did something upset you while I was gone?" I ask concerned.

"No," he says and looks up. "I was thinking about my future, our future, Neroon."

Reassured I sit down and wipe away the last droplets of water clinging to his face. "And what is your conclusion?"

"I want to build a relationship with you," he replies and blushes.

"We are already doing that," I say and caress the back of his neck. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"I want a physical relationship as well," Marcus admits hesitantly while looking away.

"Are you sure? Isn’t it much too soon to try this?" I object, wondering what caused this sudden change of heart.

"I don’t know," Marcus whispers and almost breaks down.

Quickly I enfold him in my arms. "Don’t force yourself to do this, Marcus."

"But I need to know what Shitaro took from me!" Marcus protests fiercely.

I withstand his glare, understanding why he is making this demand now. "No, it’s too soon," I state resolved. "You want to feel my bare skin against yours. You will have that, but I am not willing to take it further at this point!" A relieved sigh leaves his lips. "You’ve got nothing to prove, neither to me, nor to yourself," I whisper and massage the tense muscles in his neck. "We should try and get some rest."

Marcus smiles weakly and looks over at the bed. "Will you join me or do you prefer your platform? Just don’t make me sleep alone."

"Do you still suffer from nightmares?" I inquire and an awkward moment passes.

"Yes," Marcus confesses. "When I go to sleep I wake up in that cell."

"I will join you this time." Giving in, I get to my feet and wait for him to do the same.

"Take off those robes?" Marcus asks in a tense tone.

I study him closely. He knows he’s safe and feels confident enough to challenge himself. "I will," I decide and step out of my outer robes.

Marcus swallows hard. "All of them?"

I hesitate to give in, as I’m not wearing anything underneath them.

"I know what I’m asking," Marcus says patiently.

"As you wish." I drop the robes to the ground. I’m naked now and closely observe Marcus’ reactions to that sight. But he remains calm and in control although a nervous twitch close to his left eyes tells me he isn’t sure how to proceed. "Why don’t you make yourself comfortable in bed?" I suggest. "I need to instruct the computer to wake us in time and to transfer all urgent messages."

Marcus clears his throat and then walks over to the bed. He collapses the pike as he sits down and the towels drop to the floor. Pulling the blanket over his shivering body he continues to watch me. I make all necessary entries and then walk back to the bed. Marcus flips back one end of the blanket and looks up expectedly. I shake my head, wondering about this enigma of a human and lie down next to him.

Marcus hesitantly moves closer. Finally we make skin contact and he finches back momentarily. I don’t reassure him everything is all right, nor do I reach out for him. Marcus has to find out whether he’s ready for this or not.

"I want to do this," Marcus suddenly states. "I need to do this." His eyes are determined and his tone resolute.

Marcus moves in to my arms and almost pulls back as I shift my position to accommodate him better. I give him all the time he needs to relax and slowly tension slips from his shoulders. His arms come up behind me to pull me close. "You feel cold," I remark softly.

"Then warm me with your body," Marcus replies awkwardly and closes his eyes, probably to shut out memories about Shitaro.

"Do you want to continue?" I ask in a calm tone, offering him the chance to say no.

"Yes," Marcus whispers and opens his eyes. "I trust you, remember? But I’m wondering, does this also feel awkward to you?"

I laugh warmly. "In a certain way it does, Marcus. I never expected you to make this step. As I told you before, I’d be content to only have a spiritual relationship." Briefly, disappointment flickers on his face. "But," I quickly add, realizing he needs me to want him physically, "I enjoy having you this close, to feel your skin."

Content, Marcus rests his head on my chest and I stroke the dark locks. "Are you comfortable?" I inquire.

"More than comfortable," Marcus says in an odd tone.

A moment later his hands move from my back to my chest and I cock my head questioningly. "What are you up to?"

"I want to do some exploring?" Marcus says in a wavering tone.

His expression tells me he wants to take this next step. Marcus suddenly pinches one of my nipples and I growl instinctively. His eyes darken and he immediately withdraws at that sound.

"Don’t," I urge him and reposition his hand on my chest. "Don’t stop," I explain my request and watch his eyes start to sparkle. "I didn’t expect you to do that."

"I will be more careful," Marcus quips and continues to move his hands over warm skin.

I let him explore my upper body, but wish I could do the same to him. However, I realize Marcus has to be in control for now. One hand now strokes my thighs and I notice Marcus avoids my groin area, which is perfectly understandable. "Did you satisfy your curiosity?" I ask amused, now that he seems comfortable touching me.

"For now, yes," Marcus says and smiles brightly.

His hands rest on my chest and I tuck his head underneath mine. It feels strange to lie here with him in my arms, but I savor every moment of it. As I allow myself to doze off I tighten my hold on him, telling him without words he’s safe and that no nightmares will haunt him.

"Hopefully I’ll dream of you," Marcus whispers in a sleep heavy voice.

"I wonder what you will have me do to you in that dream?" I say teasingly and Marcus’ soft chuckling echoes through the room.

"I could use a nice massage," he moans before finally falling asleep.

"I’ll remember that," I breathe in to his ear. "But you’ll have to wait until we get up again and… don’t forget to tell me what kind of massage you want!"

Asleep, Marcus smiles at me and I sigh deeply, hoping to keep him close for the rest of my life.

part 18

Marcus

Slowly I stretch my body and can’t suppress a smile because my body no longer hurts. Yes, there’s some slight discomfort, but I dismiss it quickly. Opening my eyes I stare at the ceiling. I feel relaxed and comfortable and I owe it all to Neroon. His love and compassion pulled me out of the darkness and into the light. I role around to look at him, but catch my breath as he isn’t there. I’m alone in bed.

Worried, I look about and immediately notice his uniform is gone as well. Why didn’t he tell me he was going to leave? Or was he counting on my sleeping through his absence? I wish I knew where to find him. The warm feeling with which I awoke is suddenly gone and nervous I pull the blanket closer to my body. I shiver seeing the empty space next to me and instinctively close my eyes. Briefly I see Neroon in my mind. His dark eyes close as well and then he fades away. I try reaching out for him, but my hands only find emptiness.

I remember long forgotten memories and rub my hands over my skin trying to get warm. I’ve felt this way before and desperately want to dismiss the sensation as a result of a confused mind. I fail. Can it be Neroon will die soon? I’ve felt this uncanny ‘touch’ before. I lack the words to describe it, but that’s what my mother called it. I felt it several times, on one occasion she and dad died.

When I was little mum told me my uncle was about to die. That admission came out of the blue. I was playing with some toys and I remember getting up and hugging her because she was crying. Only much later I realized she was one of those people who could literally smell death was close.

For a long time I tried to deny I had that ability too, but deep down I know I’m lying to myself. I felt this way when mum and dad died. I also experienced it when Willie and I crashed, but I never thought the Shadows would kill everyone on the colony!

And now I feel Neroon slipping away from me. No, it must be a reaction to what I went through. I’m just too fucking scared to lose him right now! But what if this ominous feeling is true? Damn! Where’s Neroon? I throw the blankets on to the floor and moan as my mending body protests the action. I ignore the discomfort and manage to get in to my robes. Grabbing my pike I walk over to the control panel. I watched Neroon closely when he used it and I try contacting Langar or Vallo.

"Yes?"

Relieved I sigh seeing Vallo’s face appear on screen. "I need to know where Neroon is," I say quickly.

"Marcus?" Vallo says surprised, then looks at his crewmates whose expressions are clouded.

Can they see my face too, I wonder? "Where is he?" I repeat, as concern washes through me.

"I don’t know," Vallo admits, "but I can try and find out."

"Do it and contact me the moment you know more," I instruct, amazed at hearing the authoritative tone in my voice. "Please," I add quickly.

"Of course," Vallo says confused.

The screen turns black and I pace the room, hoping Vallo will find Neroon. My left ankle starts to emanate a nagging pain, urging me to sit down, but I’m too restless and continue pacing, slowing down a little. A dark sense of foreboding has a tight hold on me. Something is wrong. I know that with certainty. "Hurry up, Vallo," I whisper in dread.

A moment later the screen reveals Vallo’s face again and I see disbelief on his face. "What happened?" I demand to know, already heading towards the door.

"Someone attacked him. Neroon is in the command center…"

That’s all the information I need and rush out of the door. Thankfully Neroon showed me the command center days ago and I manage to find my way quickly. I don’t notice the looks I’m getting as my hood is still down. A few times I almost stumble over my feet, but every time I restore my balance by using the pike as support.

As I finally reach the command center I dash inside with only one goal in mind. I need to know Neroon is still alive. The place is crowded with Minbari and momentarily I freeze, seeing most of them are warriors. I’m about run out of the room again, overwhelmed by painful memories, when I see Neroon sitting on the floor. His brow is covered in blood and before I realize it, I rush over to his side to kneel beside him. "Neroon?" I whisper scared, desperately hoping it’s only a scratch.

"Marcus? What are you… doing here?" Neroon whispers short of breath.

"I was worried," I choke out and grab his hand to convince myself he’s fine. "I knew something was wrong and when Vallo told me you had been attacked…" My voice drops seeing the expression in Neroon’s eyes.

"You really care for me," Neroon whispers pleased and smiles while nodding his head.

"Of course I do!" I object and wonder why he’s this surprised. A sharp female voice echoes through the room and startled I look at Neroon for support.

"Neroon!"

That voice freezes the blood in my veins. Delenn is standing in front of me. Her eyes are big with surprise and fire. Stunned, I briefly stare into her eyes, before averting them. That’s when I realize I forgot to pull the hood over my head!

"Marcus?" she stammers in disbelief.

All voices around us die and I lower my eyes. I’ve been found out and reach out to Neroon for support. Neroon is struggling to get to his feet and as he sways he almost pulls me down with him. Luckily Vallo arrives just in time to steady him. I fail in blocking out Delenn’s presence as her eyes pierce through my robes and I feel exposed in front of her.

"Marcus?" Delenn repeats and takes a step closer. "Is it really you?"

Ashamed, I nod my head, unable to make eye contact at this point. She must think me a traitor and a liar for keeping my presence here a secret. I doubt I can explain to her why I did it. I can’t talk to her about Shitaro, for that would mean revealing what he did to me.

"We will talk about this later," Delenn decides, realizing she needs to take action. "Neroon? Are you badly injured?"

"Just a glancing blow," Neroon says calmly.

"You should rest." Delenn gestures Vallo and another guard. "Take him to the medical facility and make sure he rests."

"That’s unnecessary," Neroon objects, but loses his balance again.

"If he doesn’t want to rest, make him!" Delenn commands in a stern voice.

I stay at Neroon’s side as we leave the command center, terrified of being left alone with Delenn. "Neroon, I…" Uncertain what I want to say I grow silent.

"I’ll be fine," Neroon says reassuringly.

Seeing his eyes twinkle I know he’s honest. I wonder about his expression though. "Why are you laughing?" I ask, as he grins at me.

"Because now I know for certain you’ve got feelings for me," Neroon quips.

His hand grabs my left arm and I support him to the best of my abilities. I wish we were alone, as I can’t address this in Vallo’s presence.

"Langar hasn’t had this many patients in cycles!" Neroon says teasingly and shakes his head. "Delenn is too concerned. It’s only a scratch."

"Let Langar have a look at it?" I ask pleadingly. "You can’t be too careful with head wounds and you’re still bleeding."

"I’ll consent to an examination to ease your mind," Neroon replies.

"It’s not serious," Langar says pleased after running a scan on Neroon.

They didn’t mind that I stayed present all the time and now I’ve taken a seat next to the exam platform. It took a lot to convince Neroon to rest for a few hours as he was determined to get back to his feet the moment Langar completed the scan.

"You’ve got a hard head," I say jokingly as my relief needs a way out. "Neroon?" I ask again and this time I take hold of his hand to rub his knuckles. Neroon takes a deep breath, recomposes himself and then looks up at me. I smile seeing his content eyes. "You look far too smug for you own good," I chide him softly and a warm sensation spreads through my mind, knowing it’s important to him that I rushed in there without giving it a second thought.

Neroon laughs warmly hearing that statement, but then his expression grows dark. "One of my men attacked me!"

"This civil war has to end," Langar states. "Brother is killing brother."

"Yes," Neroon sighs. "Everything will be decided at the temple of Varanni."

I remember the conversation he had with Delenn and I’m about to warn him that she wasn’t completely honest as Neroon unexpectedly addresses me.

"Your secret is now in the open. Delenn knows…"

Yes," I admit. "I forgot about the hood." Remembering her facial expression I realize I’m in trouble. "I’m a bit surprised she isn’t here yet."

The door opens and Vallo enters. "Alit, "I’ve got news."

Neroon gestures him closer and much to my surprise he leans forward to whisper in to Neroon’s ear. What is it that I’m not allowed to know? The dark feeling is still there and I suddenly realize it has been with me the entire time, even =after= I got to Neroon.

"Langar, I want you to accompany Vallo. Your services are needed," Neroon whispers and the two Minbari leave in hurry.

"What’s wrong?" I ask in a firm voice. "Don’t keep me in the dark."

"There was an incident and they need a physician," Neroon says without revealing anything new.

"What incident?" I ask, not ready to give in yet.

"I’ll tell you in a moment," Neroon promises, "but first we need to talk about Delenn."

"What about her?" I ask confused.

"She knows you’ve been acting as my counsel," Neroon explains in a compassionate tone.

I notice that his thoughts are still distracted and I wish I knew the words Vallo whispered in to Neroon’s ear. "I’ve been stupid," I admit. "I forgot about being careful but… I was petrified you had died!"

"Minbari don’t die that easily," Neroon says in a berating tone. But his eyes speak of a different emotion and I cherish seeing it.

"We’re all mortal," I point out to him and a chill courses through my bones. I don’t want to think about this and I certainly don’t want to discuss death with Neroon!

"Marcus, we were discussing Delenn," Neroon says and rubs his brow.

"Are you in pain?" I want to know, disliking seeing his draped eyes.

"No. It’s only a headache," Neroon says soothingly.

"Delenn," I repeat, watching him intensely. "No matter what she says, I will stay here with you."

"Marcus, she’s your superior."

"Then I’ll leave the rangers," I whisper, hardly believing I actually spoke those words.

"No, you won’t," Neroon replies determined.

His fingers caress mine and I swallow hard realizing he’s resolved to make me face Delenn. "When will she be here?"

Neroon hesitates. "She’s already here."

"She is?" I quickly glance about.

"Remember that I mentioned an incident to you?"

"Did something happen to her?" I ask worried.

"No, not to her. Langar is tending to Lennier."

"Lennier?" I shift in my chair.

"Lennier discovered someone was sabotaging the Ingata and stopped it. In the process he breathed in dangerous chemicals. I suggest you go and see him."

"I can’t… not without you. What if Delenn is there too?" I object.

"You must face her," Neroon says eventually.

"But I need you at my side!" I say determined. "I’m not leaving here without you."

"Marcus." Displeased Neroon shakes his head. "You are strong enough to do this alone. You don’t need me!"

"But I do!" I get to my feet, suddenly utterly confused.

"You are not being honest with yourself," Neroon continues. "When you thought me in danger you threw off all fear."

"That was different!" I bite back, feeling cornered.

"No, it isn’t," Neroon says calmly. "Lennier and Delenn are inside the next exam room. Go. I will be here when you return and need to talk."

Neroon gestures me to leave the room and I choke up. I haven’t had the dry heaves for days, but now they’re making a grand comeback. Leaning against the wall my stomach contracts and my eyes search out Neroon’s. "Please," I start, trying to get back in control of my body. "I can’t do this yet."

"Yes, you can," Neroon says and remains motionless.

"Neroon is right."

Delenn’s voice takes me by surprise and I cringe hearing it.

part 19

Marcus

I straighten my shoulders hearing her stern tone and I look one last time at Neroon who nods his head reassuringly. I wish I felt similarly confident in my abilities. Leaning on the pike I join Delenn in the corridor and peek at her eyes, curious for her expression. She smiles weakly, but I catch the confusion in her them.

"Marcus, come with me. We need to talk," she says in a calm tone.

She waits for me to catch up to her and together we walk to the waiting area. I gather my courage and ask softly, "Is Lennier badly injured?"

"The healer is confident Lennier will make a full recovery. He only needs rest," Delenn replies relieved.

She gestures me to sit down, but I decline that offer. Instead I remain standing opposite her, leaning on my pike for support.

Delenn shakes her head. Displeased she sits down and says, "Sit with me, Marcus."

I can’t refuse such an explicit order and skip one seat and then sit down. I stare at my hands and close the pike. I don’t know what to say and hate this uncomfortable silence.

"Marcus, talk to me," Delenn says pleadingly.

She reaches for my right hand and I quickly pull away. I don’t want her to touch me. "I’m sorry," is all I manage to choke out.

"What for?"

Delenn makes another effort to get hold of my hand and this time she succeeds. Her skin is soft and I can’t push her away. I don’t want to insult her. "For not completing the mission. Shitaro is still alive," I say apologetically.

"Marcus," Delenn says in an upset tone, "someone else will deal with Shitaro if necessary. My concern is for you!’"

Her tone lures me in to looking at her eyes. "But I failed you." Delenn shakes her head and gently squeezes my hand.

"I made a mistake in sending you in alone," she admits in a guilty tone.

"I didn’t get the chance to kill him," I blurt out, almost panicking as I remember being dragged to my cell. "I tried, but…"

"Marcus, do not blame yourself," Delenn says pleadingly. "Tell me instead why you are hiding here …why you find it necessary to act as Neroon’s counsel."

It’s the hardest thing she has ever asked me to do and I’m lost for words. "Didn’t Lennier tell you?" I say eventually.

"Lennier?" she repeats surprised. "Does Lennier know that you are here?"

"He found out only hours ago," I reply. "I didn’t want anyone to know, but Lennier…"

"Marcus," Delenn starts and her tone changes as she’s tracing my fingers with hers. "What is wrong with your hand…?"

She grabs both my hands and studies them closely. I see she’s confused. My mouth goes dry and I simply can’t form any words to tell her about my captivity.

"Marcus, explain this to me!" she demands in a firm tone.

"Shitaro… ordered them broken." In emotional pain I moan softly, as she rubs the palms of my hands. I don’t want Delenn to know the entire truth. I don’t want her pity!

"Valen… what else did he do to you?" Delenn asks hesitantly, yet her tone grows firmer with every passing second. "Tell me, Marcus."

"He… tortured me," I admit and a tear slips down my cheek. "I’m no longer fit to be a ranger. Please let me go," I beg her, but seeing determination in her eyes I know she won’t release me from the vow I took two years ago when I joined the rangers.

"How does Neroon fit in?" she asks softly.

Delenn’s eyes grow dark as she finally realizes why I’m hiding here. I desperately want to run to Neroon’s room for comfort. "He… got me out of there… tended to my wounds. Neroon is my lifeline, " I stutter embarrassed and finally find the courage to answer Delenn’s glance. "Without him I would have committed suicide… I hated myself because I had allowed Shitaro to do the things he did to me… but Neroon showed me I was helpless and couldn’t stop it."

"I never knew…" Delenn whispers. "We assumed Shitaro had killed you when you did not contact us."

"At times I wish he had killed me," I confess in a heartbeat. "To live like this…"

"Like what?" Delenn asks concerned.

She covers the distance between us by sitting down beside me. Her closeness confuses me. I was certain she would distance herself from me. "I’m afraid when Neroon isn’t close. He makes me feel safe and I can’t shake the feeling that one day I’ll run in to Shitaro and then everything will start all over again." I stun myself by being this open and I know it’s Neroon’s influence that enables me to share this with Delenn. "Sometimes when I’m alone I hear Shitaro’s voice, feel his hands on my body and then…"

"Marcus, please calm down," Delenn says urgently.

Only then I realize I’m crying in front of her. Quickly I wipe away my tears and try to recompose myself. "Emotionally, I’m totally unbalanced, Delenn. I would only endanger you and the rangers by returning to the station."

"So you did consider that option?" Delenn asks pleased.

"Consider…" I whisper, confused. "I don’t think I really considered it. I just want to be close to Neroon," I admit.

"Neroon has become very important to you," Delenn states.

"Yes," I agree and watch her tiny fingers explore my deformed hands. "I need to be close to him."

"You may not believe me," Delenn starts, "but I understand. You need his support to heal and you’ve got my blessing to stay here. Just promise me to stay in contact, Marcus."

Her compassionate tone assures me that she’s sincere and I find the strength to smile weakly. "Thank you," I whisper relieved. "I will stay in contact."

"But there is another matter we need to discuss," Delenn says uncomfortably. "I would have preferred it not to tell you, but considering these recent developments I must."

Delenn’s discomfort makes me nervous and I wish I could leave now, but she’s still holding on to my hands.

"I want you to succeed me as Ranger One when the time is right," Delenn says resolved.

Immediately I want to protest that decision, but the look on her face tells me to keep quiet. Delenn is very serious and when she’s in this mood she won’t allow me to cross her plans.

"One day you will be Ranger One," she continues, "but… I want you to know that you will get all the time you need to accept that calling."

"I don’t possess the necessary qualities to lead the rangers," I object weakly, knowing nothing can change her mind when she’s determined.

"Yes, you do, Marcus. We will help you to sharpen them." Delenn smiles.

As she releases my hands I’m completely stunned as her fingertips touch my brow. She whispers an ancient blessing and I relax. A moment later I struggle to my feet as well.

"I am sure that Lennier would like to see you," she says and gestures to the exam room. "I will join you in a moment. First I need to talk to Neroon."

I cringe at the idea of Delenn confronting Neroon with the fact that he hid me and misled her in to thinking I was his Minbari counsel. "Delenn," I start, but she silences with me a majestic gesture and I swallow in the words I wanted to say.

"I just want to tell him how grateful I am that he came to your rescue."

Relieved, I nod my head once. Delenn shoos me in to Lennier’s room and then closes the door behind me.

"Marcus…"

Lennier’s soft voice catches my attention and I hesitantly walk to the platform. "What did you get yourself into, Lennier?" I want to know. Lennier looks pale and his eyes are strangely clouded. His breathing is labored and I notice Langar smiling at me.

"Lennier will be fine after he rests," the healer says and then steps out of the room.

"The crew… wanted to kill everyone onboard the ship," Lennier whispers exhausted.

"The crew? Neroon’s crew?" I ask and realize we’re in danger. If only I had known earlier I could have helped!

"No, our caste… is afraid that Delenn will surrender… they wanted to become martyrs by… destroying Delenn and Neroon." Lennier closes his eyes and draws a deep breath. "Keep a close eye on her… she is still in danger," he says and seems to lose consciousness.

Worried I lean forward. "Lennier?"

"Sleeping… medication," Lennier whispers and smiles. "You told her?"

"Yes," I whisper in a soft tone. "Delenn knows… part of what happened." I sit down as my ankles warn me they are about to give in. "She doesn’t mind me staying here."

"She cares for you… we both do," Lennier whispers and weakly raises his hand.

"What?" I wonder, seeing him beckon me closer.

"I consider you my friend, Marcus…" Lennier says barely audible.

"Thank you," I reply touched. "I need lots of them." Surprised, I only now realize what I just admitted to. Lennier has fallen asleep and I pull the blanket up to his shoulders, making sure he’s comfortable and warm.

An overwhelming urge to tell Neroon what has happened washes through me, but Delenn might still be talking to him. I force myself to take my seat again. Looking at Lennier I mentally replay everything that has happened during the last hours and I feel strangely at peace now that the dark and gloomy feeling that haunted me has disappeared.

part 20

Neroon

"Neroon? Can we talk?" Delenn asks determined as she enters the room.

"Yes," I reply and know by looking in her eyes Marcus told her the truth. I feel proud that he has finally taken this big step. It must have hard on him. "Marcus told you."

"Yes, he did." Drained, Delenn sits down.

She stares at me and I wonder what she’s thinking about. "Marcus needs time to heal," I explain, not sure what she wants to discuss.

"I know. Neroon… what did Shitaro do to him? Marcus was unable to address the matter." Delenn leans forward.

"Shitaro starved him, humiliated Marcus, and when he refused to break under the pressure, Shitaro resorted to sexual abuse." I notice the effect my words have on her as her hands start to tremble.

"I never imagined Shitaro would go that far! Marcus is a ranger and therefore part of Minbari society!" Delenn exclaims hurt.

"To Shitaro no human can be part of Minbari society," I explain to Delenn and wish the pounding headache would stop. "The fact that Marcus is a ranger enraged him. That’s why Shitaro wanted to destroy Marcus, body and soul."

"Did he succeed?" Delenn asks worried.

"Partly," I’ve got to admit. "You’ve seen him, talked to him. He’s only a shadow of the man he used to be."

"And he is clinging to your strength to pull him through," Delenn states and grows pale. "You are right… Marcus has changed."

"I suggest you leave Marcus here with me. He trusts me." I study her closely, seeing understanding in her eyes.

"I noticed that," Delenn admits. "But…"

I don’t how to explain it, but for one moment I know what she’s thinking. "Don’t feel hurt because he lacked the courage to confide in you."

"I do not understand why he hid from me," Delenn says in a cracked tone. "Marcus must know I want to help."

I cock my head, wondering how to make Delenn understand what Marcus is going through. I choose the direct approach. "Marcus feels like he stains you by allowing you near. Shitaro convinced Marcus he was worthless. Marcus really believed that for some time and I suspect there are moments he still does. Shitaro forced Marcus to go along with his perversities more than once. Marcus lost his sense of self worth during that period of time. After I saved him Marcus begged me to kill him."

Delenn lowers her eyes and centers herself. "Shitaro must be exposed and punished."

"I already contacted the High Court and supplied them with a witness. They will look in to the matter." I close my eyes, as the headache grows stronger. Langar and Marcus are right. I need rest.

"Then it is decided. Marcus will stay with you."

Delenn rises to her feet, but lacks her usual elegance. What happened to Marcus greatly burdens her, but I can’t ease her worries. It was she who sent Marcus in to certain death. "That’s a wise decision. Marcus isn’t ready yet to return to Babylon 5," I say relieved.

"I will go now," Delenn whispers quickly, obviously still confused, "Thank you for sending your private physician to look after Lennier."

"That’s the least I can do," I say and manage to bow, sitting upright. Delenn returns that gesture and quietly leaves the room.

Waking up with a start I realize I fell asleep after Delenn left. My eyes flash open and I immediately notice Marcus sitting next to my platform. "You’ve been watching me," I chide him gently.

"Yes, your expression is different when you’re asleep and I don’t get that many chances to simply look at you," he admits and smiles. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yes," I say honestly. The headache is gone and I ask Marcus, "How long have I been asleep?"

"Four hours," Marcus replies at once. "Your wound has stopped bleeding, you know."

"Excellent," I state and swing my feet on to the floor. "No use in staying here any longer. I wish to return to our quarters."

"Are you sure you can cover the distance?" Marcus asks concerned.

"I am certain," I assure him and watch him get up from the chair. I distinctly notice that his features briefly contort. "Are you in pain, Marcus?"

"It’s the ankle Langar fixed. It’s throbbing."

Langar picks that moment to enter the room and immediately admonishes me as he heard my admission.

"I told you to =rest= Marcus, and you’ve been walking for hours. Why are you then surprised it aches?"

"I get the picture," Marcus says resigned. "I promise to rest."

Langer approvingly nods his head. "I am serious, Marcus. Continue to move about like this and your limbs will never heal!"

"I understand your warning," Marcus whispers, obviously feeling guilty.

I take hold of his arm and together we start our way back. Halfway to our quarters Marcus grows tired and has to stop to catch his breath. He greatly overestimated his strength and concerned I stay behind him should he fall. Slowly he starts to slide down the wall and his eyes close as a sigh leaves his lips. I quickly lift him in my arms and carry him to our quarters. After placing him on the bed I contact Langar, informing him that Marcus fainted during the way back.

"It’s probably exhaustion," Langar says reassuringly. "I will stop by later and check on him. Is he awake yet?"

"He is waking up now." Relieved, I terminate the connection and walk over to the bed. Marcus’ eyes are hooded and I rub his hands. "You fainted," I inform him and register his stunned expression.

"I did?" Marcus looks about, taking in his surroundings.

"I carried you back," I explain and get up to make tea. "Langar is right, Marcus. You need rest!"

"What are you going to do?" Marcus quips and grins mischievously. "Confine me to bed?"

"That’s a splendid idea," I reply teasingly and hand him a cup of tea. "Drink this slowly. It’s still hot."

"I shouldn’t have hurried to the command center," Marcus admits. "I was so worried you had died… I don’t know how I managed to cover the distance in such short time!"

"Marcus." I sit down on one side of the bed and observe him. Something about his eyes troubles me. "What will you do should I die unexpectedly?" I don’t really know why I’m asking him this particular question, but I do know the answer is very important.

"In case you die?" Marcus repeats dazed. "I don’t think I can live without you," he says and his voice drops. "I would no longer have a reason to live."

His answer scares me and I know I must take action. "You were right when you told me we’re all mortal, Marcus and one day I will die."

"Do we have to talk about this now?" Marcus says pleadingly.

Something is eluding me and I won’t give up before I know what it is. "You are holding back. Does it have something to do with Delenn?"

"No," Marcus replies quickly and averts his eyes while sipping from his tea.

"Then what is it?" I am growing frustrated by his reactions.

"I don’t know how to explain it to you," Marcus whispers.

I recognize the tone of dread in his voice and realize he’s trying to tell me something, but doesn’t know how to express himself. "Try," I encourage him.

"I sometimes get this… weird feeling whenever someone is going to die… Most of the time I’m right." Marcus looks up pleadingly.

"Are you trying to tell me you can predict someone’s death?" This has to be one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard, but I can’t ignore this admission.

"No, it isn’t like that," Marcus says in a desperate tone. "Like… when I woke up and you weren’t here I felt like I was about to lose you, like you were going to leave me… and the feeling stayed even after I found you in the command center… Then I learned Lennier almost died."

Marcus’ eyes are draped and I can’t help feeling worried. "And what about now?"

"It’s gone," Marcus says at once. "It stopped after… Vallo brought you that message when you were resting."

Nodding my head I realize that Lennier was no longer critical at that point. "Was this the first time you felt this way?"

"No, I experienced it shortly before my mum and dad died… and when the Shadows attacked Arisia. I wish I were only imagining it, Neroon," Marcus says in a lost tone.

"This does raise another issue." I take the empty cup from Marcus’ hands and put it on the table. "What will you do should I die soon?" I know Marcus doesn’t want to discuss this, but luring Shakiri in to a trap is dangerous and there is no way of knowing what will happen at the temple of Varanni.

"What are you trying to say?" Marcus asks and leans back.

I wrap my arms around him and rest my chin on his shoulder. "A warrior’s life is never free of danger." Musing about this I decide to take action. "I will change my last will."

Marcus’ head snaps up. Bewildered he stares at me.

"Neroon?" he whispers, "What are you up to?"

"I will change my will tonight. I need to know you will be safe should I die unexpectedly." Mentally I already know what to do. "I will have to leave you alone for a few hours… Vallo can keep you company if you don’t want to be alone."

"I’m not sure… I might want to keep Lennier company instead."

"You’re friends then?" I inquire interested.

"Friends? I don’t know about that."

Marcus moves about in my arms and I shift on the bed until he lies down. "But you’re not going to walk that distance," I decide. "Do you want me to carry you?" I add teasingly.

"On second thought," Marcus says in an amused tone, "I better stay here and read some more."

"Good choice," I praise him and nuzzle the back of his neck. "What would you prefer," I ask while pushing dark locks out of the way. "Living on Minbar or staying onboard the Ingata?"

"What kind of daft question is that?" Marcus says and cocks his head.

As our eyes meet I see the sparkle in them. "Just answer the question!" I chide him softly.

"I don’t know," Marcus replies hesitantly. "I never thought about it, but I like the idea of traveling through space on a star ship."

I got my answer and hope I can make all necessary arrangements. "Are you sure you don’t want Vallo to keep you company?"

"Stop being overly concerned!" Marcus quips in a light tone.

I laugh warmly, treasuring his cheerful tone. Sliding off the bed I watch him reach for the book.

Marcus places it in his lap and looks up. "I’ll be fine," he says and smiles brightly.

Reassured I leave my quarters and the moment I arrive in the briefing room I send four messages, as I want to speak to Vallo, Langar, Delenn and my second in command who has been taking care of the Ingata these last weeks. I wonder about Dalmar’s reaction to my changed last will, as he dislikes humans.

part 21

Neroon

"You required my presence?" Dalmar asks in an emotionless tone.

"Yes," I reply, lean back in my chair and try reading his facial expression. But nothing shows and I wonder what Dalmar is thinking. I ensured he arrived here before the others so I have enough time to discuss my plans with him.

"How can I be of service?" Dalmar asks and doesn’t avert his eyes.

He stares right back at me and I know he’ll tell me the truth, no matter how unpleasant it might be for me. "Do you know that I brought a human ranger onboard the Ingata?" I start diplomatically.

"Yes, the crew told me," Dalmar replies calmly.

I wish he would show some kind of emotion so I’d know how to approach him. "I consider you a man of great honor," I say changing tactics.

"Thank you, Alit." Dalmar bows slightly and cocks his head. "I assume you want to discuss the presence of the human with me?"

"Does his presence here make you uncomfortable?" I want to know. Dalmar has given me an opening and I’m going to use it! Dalmar considers his answer before speaking aloud.

"In the beginning it did," he admits honestly.

"And what about the present?" I urge him on, wondering if my crew is as loyal as I think they are. Dalmar has been my right hand for 2 cycles now and I hope I didn’t misjudge him. I count on his code of honor to support my decisions.

"Honestly, Alit I do not know the human. How then can I form an opinion about him?"

"Would you like to meet him?" I suggest and wait for his answer.

"I am not certain that is a good idea, Alit."

Fine, his answer indicates he isn’t ready yet to admit where he stands in this matter. I’ve got to handle this differently. "I declared him part of the Star riders clan and my mate."

"I know that too, Alit." Dalmar says calmly.

Our eyes are still locked and I notice hesitance coloring his glance. "Do you disapprove of that?"

"No," Dalmar replies in a firm tone. "I gather he is a ranger, so he knows our ways."

"Marcus is a ranger," I confirm, introducing his name for the first time.

"Forgive me for asking," Dalmar starts and then wavers.

"Yes?" I know what he’s going to ask and mentally prepare myself.

"Is it true Alit Shitaro tortured him?" A tone of disbelief colors Dalmar’s voice.

"It’s the truth," I growl and suppress the hate I feel for Shitaro.

"That was immoral and goes against our principles," Dalmar states. "Will the human, Marcus, recover?"

Pleased to hear that question I reply, "Maybe. His injuries are severe."

"I regret hearing that," Dalmar replies. "If there is anything the crew can do to be of help…"

"As a matter of fact, there is," I say quickly. This is the chance I’ve been waiting for. "Let us speak openly, Dalmar. I want to know whether you would protect him should Shitaro try to get to him." I need this answer before I can continue.

Dalmar’s gaze sharpens and he straightens out his uniform. He takes a moment to ponder my question, but as he speaks his voice is determined.

"Yes, I would."

Dalmar almost adds something, but then refrains. "Speak," I encourage him.

"We, the crew, discussed this matter after Vallo met the human for the first time."

Ah, I should have known there would be rumors and discussion. I chide myself for not addressing the crew earlier!

"We decided," Dalmar continues, "to trust your judgement. I’ve got to admit that we disliked having a human onboard, even if he is a ranger. But later, as we learned what one of our kind did to him, we started to respect him, and accept you being together."

I nod my head once. "I’m proud to be your Alit," I state. "Your loyalty honors me."

Dalmar lowers his eyes.

"The reason why I send for you is that I need your help. After what happened today in the command center I want to change my last will."

"I understand," Dalmar says calmly.

"I already declared Marcus part of my clan, but… I need someone to watch over him should I die unexpectedly."

"Die?" Dalmar repeats confused.

"Yes, will you accept a place at Marcus’ side as his personal guard?" This turn in our conversation puzzles Dalmar. "Marcus will either stay on the Ingata or you will join him to live at my residence in Yedor. Either way there is a chance Shitaro will find out Marcus is still alive and act upon it."

"Alit," Dalmar says and pauses.

I hold my breath. I can ask Vallo to look after Marcus, but the young man is very inexperienced in combat and Shitaro would certainly outsmart him. Dalmar however is a sly old fox who knows his enemies.

"I accept," Dalmar says in a firm tone.

Relieved, I make some last changes on the scroll lying on my desk. "Then sign your name here," I instruct.

Dalmar signs his name without hesitance and I hope I did the right thing. A knock on the door announces my other guests. "Stay, Dalmar," I order as he moves to leave the office. "I need you as a witness."

"Of course, Alit!" Dalmar says in a proud tone.

He moves to stand behind me as the others enter. Vallo and Langar look like they expected to be called in here, but Delenn seems surprised.

"Please sit down." Only Delenn takes a seat. The others remain standing. "Delenn, I trust Lennier is recovering?"

"Yes," she replies, inclining her head. "Your physician thinks he can leave the medical facility tomorrow."

Langar nods his head. "Lennier will suffer no permanent damage."

"Marcus will also be pleased to hear this good news," I remark and Delenn’s gaze grows more intense. "That’s why I asked you to join me. The incident made me realize Marcus will be at a distinct disadvantage should I die unexpectedly. Therefore I changed my last will."

Delenn cocks her head questioningly. "In what way?" she asks puzzled.

"I’m the last of my dynasty," I inform them. "I declared Marcus my official mate weeks ago, but I need to make sure Shitaro can never get to him."

"The High Court will deal with Shitaro," Delenn adds after a moment’s thought.

"I cannot trust on their judgement," I quickly interject. "Therefore I named Marcus my sole heir. Should anything happen to me Marcus will inherit my residence at Tuzenor, and as is custom, command of the Ingata."

Delenn’s facial expression is hard to read, but I suspect she disagrees with my decision. "Of course Marcus is free to return to Babylon 5, should he chose to do so, but Dalmar will accompany him as his aide."

"A body guard," Delenn corrects.

"That’s one way to look at it," I admit. "As long as Shitaro hasn’t been dealt with I refuse to take any risks."

"I understand your concern," Delenn says honestly and rearranges her dress.

"Neroon?" Langar starts in a hesitant tone.

"Yes?" Something is troubling the old healer and what to know what.

"I fear Marcus might break down should you die. What if he’s incapable of making decisions at that point? He might revert back to the state we found him in." Concern colors Langar’s voice.

"You may be right," I reply and must admit that thought crossed my mind as well. "In that case Delenn will decide what will happen. As Ranger One she already holds that responsibility, but I hope," and I look her in the eyes, " you will consider Langar’s advice before making a decision."

Delenn looks slightly uncomfortable hearing this and asks, "Why is Marcus not present? Is he aware we are discussing his future?"

"Marcus… knows we’re discussing this," I admit and remember the pain in his eyes when he told me about his ominous feelings. "Marcus is aware that his recovery will take a long time and that he needs help to get there."

"I accept the conditions," Delenn states, "I will act for his best."

"I didn’t expect you to decline," I admit and smile relieved. "Langar, Vallo, you’re my witnesses. Once I send this changed will to Yedor Marcus’ status becomes official." They immediately sign the document and I ask Dalmar to pick a courier who will take it to Minbar.

Langer leaves first, as he wants to check on Lennier. Vallo returns to his station and only Delenn and Dalmar stay behind. I ask Dalmar to come by my quarters later so he can meet Marcus and Dalmar agrees. At last I turn to Delenn and register an odd expression on her face.

"You do love him," she states smugly.

"Why would you doubt my words?" I question as we sit down.

"It just strikes me as odd that a warrior is attracted to a human."

I grin maliciously. "I still think it’s odd for a member of the religious caste to be attracted to a human officer."

"Yes," Delenn admits, "we have that in common."

"Delenn," I lean back to study her and feel reassured seeing her open gaze. "I worry about Marcus."

"I am worried as well," Delenn replies. "He always seemed to be the strong one. He has been my right hand, although he might not know that and now… when I look in to his eyes they are dark and vulnerable."

I nod my head in approval. "I wish we had already dealt with the civil war and Shakiri so I can concentrate on Marcus’ needs. We will arrive at Varanni in 24 hours. This is the only chance we will get to end the civil war."

"We must play our roles well," Delenn remarks. "And I suggest Marcus stays here on the Ingata until the confrontation is over."

"I agree," I whisper. "Marcus will stay here. I will ask Langar to keep him company."

Delenn rises to her feet and I quickly follow her example.

"I am going to visit Lennier now," she says. "I will see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, I’ll join you in the shuttle bay when we’ll leave for Varanni," I agree and then watch her walk out of the room. Walking back to my desk I pick up a copy of my last will. The scroll has been sealed with wax and I need to give it to Marcus for safekeeping. As I leave my office I shiver suddenly. Without any rational cause I feel like I’ll never return here.

part 22

Marcus

I look up from my book as Neroon returns from his meeting. In his right hand he’s carrying an ancient looking scroll and my curiosity awakens. "What’s that?"

I then remember why he left in the first place. "You altered your will?" I add tentatively.

"Yes," Neroon says and sits down on the bed. "I want you to have this copy. Break the seal in case something happens to me and carry out the instructions."

"Neroon, nothing is going to happen…" I start, but Neroon cuts me short as he places the scroll in my hands.

"We need to face that possibility, Marcus," he says in a chiding tone. Then his expression changes and he smiles. "I’m hungry!" he states and marches off in to the kitchen. "I’m in the mood for a spicy dish," he announces. "What would you like, Marcus?"

I must admit that I haven’t thought about food for hours. I was way too worried about Neroon to consider my stomach, but now it growls softly.

"I heard that sound…you’re hungry too," Neroon quips and starts preparing dinner.

I place the book to one side and slowly get to my feet, wondering whether I can make it to the kitchen area without the support of my pike. "Do you need help?" I offer, still trying to make up my mind whether to extend the pike or not.

"You can lay the table," Neroon instructs and points at the plates and utensils to his right.

"I hope I won’t drop something," I whisper and decide to use the pike after all. After making my way in to the kitchen I ask, "What changes did you make concerning your will?"

"The ones I informed you of. I ensured your safety in case of my demise."

Neroon looks at me puzzled and I avert my eyes. I don’t want him to see the apprehension in them. I feel this isn’t over yet, like the attack was only a prelude to something worse. However, I didn’t tell him that. I don’t want him to think I’m losing my sanity.

I carry the plates over to the low square table and manage to put everything in the right place. As I return to the kitchen I find Neroon is watching me intensely. "Is something wrong?" I ask hesitantly.

"I want you to meet someone later this evening," he says in a firm tone.

"Who is it?" I wonder why he wants me to meet all these people. I know Vallo and Langar, isn’t that enough?

"His name is Dalmar and he’s my second in command."

"Why?" I question, not looking forward to his visit.

"He will help execute my will and I want you to get to know him."

I shrug my shoulders. "If it’s that important to you I’ll talk to him." Neroon smiles satisfied and I place the utensils on the table. Slowly, I lower myself to the floor and wait for him to serve the dish. I shake my head, realizing how quickly I’ve settled in to this routine. I feel like I’ve been with Neroon for years instead of a few weeks.

Neroon inserts a music crystal in the player before carrying the food items to the table and then sits cross-legged beside me. "What did you prepare?" I ask curiously. Whatever it is, it smells delicious.

"Baked fruit, grilled vegetables and fresh bread."

I sniff appreciately and try his cooking. "It’s excellent," I compliment him honestly. "I didn’t know you’re a chef!"

"You do realize you will be required to do some cooking one day?" Neroon says teasingly.

"I’m a bad cook!" I admit. "All I can do is bacon and eggs." The relaxed atmosphere loosens me up. "You’ll have to teach me how to cook haute cuisine!" I quip; counting on Neroon to be unfamiliar with that term and yes, the look on his face is priceless.

Two hours later I’m staring out of the window, which offers me a splendid view of the starlit space. Dalmar will appear any moment now and I fumble the scroll in my hands. Neroon told me I could read it if I want to, but I haven’t broken the seal yet.

Neroon walks up behind me and I smile seeing his reflection in the window. He wraps his arms around my frame and I easily lean in to the embrace.

"What are you thinking of?" Neroon wants to know.

As he kisses the back of my neck I suck in my breath. His touch is intimate and gentle and suddenly I want more. Turning around in his arms I study his eyes. "I trust you," I whisper in an unguarded moment before I lean in closer to brush his lips.

Neroon releases a surprised moan as he doesn’t expect me to take the initiative this soon, but I need him to want me. I need to know I’m still physically desirable to Neroon. It means a lot to me to know he still wants me in that way.

"I take it you want to do more exploring before going to sleep?" Neroon asks with a smug grin on his face.

"Only if you don’t mind," I say hesitantly.

"I welcome your initiative…" Neroon’s grin grows brighter. "Maybe you’ll allow me to explore your body as well?"

I don’t know what to say to that request. "What do you want to do?" Neroon’s eyes darken and I swallow hard, fighting to keep Shitaro’s face behind locked doors in my mind.

"I was thinking about some oral exploration," Neroon quips and licks his lips.

"Oral?" I repeat stunned and try figuring out what he’s talking about. The doorchime however interrupts my thoughts and Neroon releases me from his embrace.

"Can I tell Dalmar to enter?" Neroon asks mischievously.

My thoughts are still spinning with the prospect of what might happen later and I nod absent-minded. Oral… Goose skin appears all over my body as I realize what he might be referring too. I’m about to ask him to specify his request, but remain silent as Dalmar enters our quarters. I keep my distance at first, as I want to study him.

His blue eyes simmer and his lips form a straight line. I can hardly read any emotions on his face. I take it he’s about Neroon’s age and his bone crest is magnificently shaped. The only thing that stands out is his beard. I’ve never before seen a Minbari who trims his facial hair.

Dalmar bows and says, "Alit, Anla’shok."

I walk up to Neroon to stand next to him, as I don’t know how to react.

"Dalmar, this is Marcus," Neroon says. "Marcus, this is my second in command, Dalmar."

Feeling uncomfortable I perform the ritual greeting and watch Dalmar’s every move.

"Marcus, I regret not welcoming you earlier onboard the Ingata. The crew asked me to assure you that we are looking forward to working with you."

Stunned, I turn to Neroon whose grin worries me. "Working with me?"

"I want you to assist me in the command center once you’re healed."

"Assist you?"

"As a communication officer." Neroon smiles as he sits down to pour tea.

I force myself to follow his example and I briefly forget about Dalmar’s presence whose gaze has turned amused. "Why didn’t you tell me?" I chide Neroon.

"Must have slipped my mind," Neroon quips and sips his tea.

Dalmar has taken a seat next to me and I shake my head in disbelief.

"You must forgive the Alit," Dalmar says unexpectedly, "He has reached that certain age when one starts to forget important issues."

Neroon spits out his tea and stares at Dalmar. I can’t help myself and burst out laughing. The tension, which Dalmar brought with him, is gone and I smile approvingly.

"How old are you any way, Neroon?" I ask teasingly. I hold my belly as I try to stop laughing. It feels so good to laugh that I wish it’d never stop. Neroon’s look darkens, but suddenly the annoyance slips from his eyes and he joins in. I love to see him laugh.

"The two of you will get along nicely," Neroon comments in the end.

"I’m sure we will," I agree and smile thinking about our future, which seems bright and carefree.

After taking a bath I step in to the living area and find Neroon reading in a book. I slowly stroll over to the couch and rest my hands on his shoulders. I hate feeling the fabric of his uniform. "I wish you got out of those bloody clothes! I hate seeing you wear them!" My voice trembles and I manage to steady myself. "Sorry," I say apologetically, "didn’t mean to insult you."

"You didn’t insult me," Neroon whispers.

He takes my hands and gently pulls me along until I stand in front of him. I wish I had put on my robes. I only slung a towel across my hips. Looking down I catch the smile in his brown eyes. "I love you," I whisper on impulse and start to blush.

Neroon crooks his head and returns my gaze. "Are you ready to start this exploration?"

I slowly nod my head. Neroon will stop should I start feeling uncomfortable. "Yes, I think I’m ready." I allow him to kiss my fingertips and then swallow hard as he get to his feet. This is it. Can I do this? Take this step? Or did Shitaro scar me for the rest of my life? I need to find out!

Hesitantly I start to slide down Neroon’s shirt and bite my lip seeing the hairless, well-defined chest. "You growled the last time I did this," I whisper, pinching one of his nipples, which grew hard in seconds.

"Yes," Neroon states, "but now…" and leans forward.

I suck in my breath as his lips close over my right nipple. "Is this what you meant by oral exploration?" I hiss as his tongue circles the sensitive flesh.

"Yes," Neroon whispers and then returns to suckling the hardened flesh.

"Neroon," I moan his name softly and choke back a stray tear. "I don’t think I can go all the way. I’d like to, but…"

"Shst."

Neroon silences me by placing a fingertip across my lips.

"You trust me, don’t you?" he asks softly.

"Yes," I whimper as his other hand descends down my belly to undo the towel. It drops to the floor and I shudder, as I now stand naked in front of him.

"Then trust me to see you through this. I’ll know when to stop," Neroon promises in a gentle tone.

I draw in a deep breath. "What do you want to do?" Surprised, I sense his fingers sneak up my back to massage my shoulders and neck.

"I want to give you pleasure," Neroon whispers aroused.

His eyes confuse me. I’ve never seen that expression in them before. He takes my hands and places them on his chest.

"Touch me," he says sensually.

Neroon releases my hands and I slowly slide them over the supple skin. I get nervous as he claims my lips and deepens the kiss. I tell myself to trust him and to let go of my fear. "Neroon?" I pant softly as his fingers glide down to touch the insides of my thighs.

"Yes?"

Neroon’s glance is firm and I know he understands my hesitation. "I’m not sure I can do this."

"You’ve got to stop thinking, Marcus and just feel," Neroon says reassuringly.

"How do I do that?" It sounds plausible, but…

"Stop being afraid. You are entitled to pleasure, the surge of lust… stop fighting it."

Neroon’s words hit target and I realize he’s completely right. I’m blocking myself because I’m scared Shitaro’s face and voice will return to haunt me. But Neroon isn’t Shitaro. "I’ll try," I promise and arch my back as something soft and wet touches my belly button. "Neroon, I’m ticklish!"

"I didn’t know that," Neroon replies teasingly and twists his tongue deeper in to the flesh.

My knees are giving out on me as Neroon’s hands unexpectedly stroke my manhood. "What are you planning to do?" I ask softly.

"Sit down," Neroon instructs.

I gladly obey, as I don’t think my legs can support me much longer. Neroon kneels in front of me and softly nudges my legs apart. "You didn’t answer my question," I chide him, but thought vanishes the moment Neroon’s tongue laps at my scrotum, softly taking hold of the skin between his teeth. I never felt anything like this before and can’t help but stare at him in mute fascination. His hands rub my belly and chest, while his tongue is now playing with my foreskin. He’s =teasing= me! "Neroon…" I whisper in unconscious want.

"Accept what I’m giving you…" Neroon advises.

Due to the stimulation I’m growing hard and aroused. I can’t believe I’m reacting in this way to Neroon! I never thought I could feel like this after what…

"Stop!" I suddenly yelp, as I smell Shitaro’s scent in the room.

"Marcus, look at me." Neroon’s tone is compelling.

Instinctively I fix my stare on Neroon and seeing his eyes I tell myself to relax. "I’m fine," I whisper.

"Are you sure?" Neroon asks concerned.

"Yes," I state determined. "Don’t stop now."

Neroon laughs warmly. "I thought you’d like this."

"I do," I admit. A moment later Neroon’s fingers pull the foreskin over the sensitive head and my legs twitch futilely. I refuse to take my eyes off his face and I’m stunned as his lips suckle the tip of my shaft, which has started to throb for release.

His pace quickens… a soft tongue circles my hard flesh… strong hands squeeze my scrotum… I’m thrusting in to his mouth… Neroon greedily licks my shaft… slips a hand underneath by buttocks… lifts me slightly… takes me in completely… my groin is on fire… I’m starting to yelp softly…

"More… so close…"

Suddenly I come and my orgasm takes me completely by surprise. White cream drips in to Neroon’s mouth and I forget to breathe seeing him swallow it all. Panting hard I try to burn this moment in to my mind. My body contracts as spasms of delight wash through me and yet my eyes never leave his.

Neroon licks the last drops from his lips and then pulls me down on to the floor. I rest my head against his chest, trying to figure out what exactly happened. My lips rest close to one of his nipples and I can’t resist the temptation to suckle it hard.

"Marcus," Neroon growls in want.

His voice urges me to look up at him and I lick my lips, seeing arousal in his eyes

"Just a little prelude," he says teasingly and locks his arousal away.

I smile, relieved and utterly sated. "One day I’ll do the same thing for you," I promise, determined to do away with the scars and shame Shitaro left behind in my soul.

"I’d like that," Neroon admits and tightens his embrace.

Sleepily I whisper, "I expect you to do that each evening from now on!" Neroon’s soft laughter makes me grin and for the first time since I left Babylon 5 I feel at peace with myself.

part 23

Neroon

My biological clock wakes me and as I open my eyes the first thing I see is Marcus' face, relaxed in sleep. I vividly remember the look of ecstasy in his eyes when he reached orgasm yesterday. Marcus surprised himself by letting go the way he did.

We fell asleep on the floor and his naked body rests against mine, seeking warmth and comfort. I sigh heavily as I turn on to my back, pulling Marcus along with me until he lies at my side, his head resting on my upper arm. I should wake him and prepare breakfast, but I don't want this magical moment to end.

I think back to the book he's reading and his attempt to explain the concept of magic to me. I don't believe in invisible powers that rule our lives and watch over us the moment we die. When we are lucky our soul will be reborn, but it will lack all knowledge of its previous lives. As a warrior, I

pondered death many times, trying to imagine non-existence, and I failed each time. I don't fear death. I fear nothingness, the emptiness that lies ahead.

Checking the time I realize I've got 8 more hours before we will leave for Varanni. I should make a few calls to Shakiri and Delenn, but can't break away from Marcus. The way he has melted in to my arms takes my breath away. Duty calls, as it always does, and slowly I force myself to roll away from Marcus who immediately reaches out for me, missing my body warmth. I slip my arms underneath his knees and shoulders and carry him to the bed. There is no need for him to get up as well. He needs to rest or he might faint again shortly. "I'll be back in one hour," I promise and kiss his lips.

"You better keep that promise," Marcus whispers softly.

I grin, realizing he's awake. "You can prepare breakfast in the meantime. I'll be hungry when I get back," I say teasingly. His eyes open lazily and my mouth waters seeing the wonder in them.

"I'll try," Marcus says and raises one hand.

His fingers touch my brow, trace my jaw and then caress my cheek. "Try to get more sleep," I advise and cover him with a blanket.

Marcus simply smiles and as I enter the bathroom to get dressed I realize I need to focus on the task at hand, ending the civil war!

My conversation with Delenn is short, but very informative. I know what to do and realize I will have to leave earlier than I thought, as I need to join Shakiri before we head to the temple of Varanni. I need to convince him that I betrayed Delenn.

Lennier is also present during that last briefing and Delenn informs me that he will accompany us to Varanni. The young man still looks too pale, but seems determined to stay at Delenn's side. So be it.

I still need to inform Marcus that I'll be leaving shortly and I'm apprehensive about that conversation. He'll feel deserted and I decide to see Langar first, asking him to stay with Marcus during the time I'm on Minbar.

Marcus is rummaging about in the kitchen as I get back and I quickly catch the small tea box which he almost dropped on to the floor. I should have realized his hands will hamper greatly when fixing a meal.

"You're back already?"

Marcus sounds surprised and I grin, noticing he's wearing my clothes. He slipped in to a pair of black trousers and a grey shirt, clothes which are several sizes too big for him. "I take it you no longer wish to wear robes?" I place my hands at both sides of his head and pull him closer for a kiss. He immediately yields and wraps his arms around my waist. Last night must have taken away some of his fear as his eyes are clear and radiate a different intensity as before. They're on fire! "Did you miss me?" I add teasingly.

"Yes, in regard to your first question, but I need more time to ponder your second inquiry," Marcus replies in a similar carefree tone. "I managed to lay the table, but..."

"Let me attend to the rest," I state and gesture him to sit down. "You've got to be careful not to strain your ankles." Marcus sits down and continues to watch me. I dread bringing up the civil war and my departure.

"Something is wrong," Marcus suddenly states in a shaky voice.

Valen, he has come to know me too well! "You're right," I admit and take a tray to the table. After I served him tea, fruit and bread I know I can't postpone this any longer. "It's the civil war."

"I thought so." Marcus stops eating and rests his hands in his lap. "What's going on?"

"Delenn, Lennier and I will challenge Shakiri at the temple of Varanni. We have to end this at once and forever." I sip from my tea and notice that the fire in his eyes has died; instead concern and fear stare back at me.

"I want to accompany you," Marcus states resolved.

"That's out of the question, Marcus. You'll stay onboard the Ingata," I order in a firm tone. "You won't leave the ship, Marcus and that's final!" Marcus' eyes are defiant, but I know he'll obey. "Langar, Dalmar and Vallo will keep an eye on you."

"How long before you've got to go?" Marcus asks in an upset tone.

"Six hours," I inform him and watch his eyes grow even more depressed. "I'll only be gone for a few hours," I try to reassure him.

"Neroon, there is something you need to know," Marcus whispers hesitantly.

"Yes?" I study him and realize he's paler than usually and I'm determined to ask Langar to make sure Marcus' recovery is progressing as planned.

"I told you about this feeling I get when..." Marcus looks up pleadingly, "When someone is going to die?"

I nod my head once. "Are you experiencing that sensation now?"

"It started when I woke up this morning and it's getting stronger. Please be careful?"

Marcus' big eyes assure me he's sincere. "I'll be careful, Marcus," I promise, "I want to return to you, you know that."

"Yes, I know, but..."

After getting to my feet I walk up to Marcus. I sit on my heels and take his hands in mine. "You worry too much, Marcus," I chide him, but cherish his concern. "What would you like to do until I've got to leave for Minbar?"

"Talk to you, hold you, have you read for me," Marcus replies quickly.

It tells me he's really concerned for my well-being and I'm determined to be extremely cautious when confronting Shakiri.

After reading from 'The mists of Avalon' I feel slightly confused. Marcus is lying in my arms and trying hard to explain the Arthurian legends to me, but I must admit the core of the matter eludes me. I place the book aside and ask, "How old are you, Marcus?"

"Huh?" Marcus stutters.

"You aren't listening," I say amused. "Does the sound of my voice bore you?"

"No!" Marcus exclaims quickly.

"I'm only teasing you," I assure him and smile at his upset expression. Marcus relaxes and snuggles closer.

"You posses most annoying character trades!" he states and shakes his head.

"I know..." I admit amused. "But you haven't answered my question yet."

"34," Marcus replies quickly.

"And what religious beliefs do you have? I know humans have a variety of religions." This overwhelming desire to get to know as much as I can about Marcus urges me to ask these particular questions. Time is passing by too quickly.

"My religious beliefs?" Marcus repeats stunned.

He frees himself from my embrace and sits cross-legged in front of me, a puzzled expression on his face.

"I never thought about it, Neroon. Somehow I never had the time to figure that one out. I was drafted into Earthforce at a young age and after I returned from that war I had to run a mining company. People depended on me and I couldn't let them down."

Fascinated by the fact that he's suddenly opening up to me, I devour every bit of information. "Please continue." Only now Marcus seems to realize what he has told me, and nervous, he tries to avert his eyes. "Tell me more about yourself," I urge him.

"My brother William was a ranger," Marcus says eventually. "He died, along with everyone else when the Shadows attacked Arisia. I'm the only survivor."

Something in his tone warns me that he hasn't dealt with this tragedy yet and I refrain from making a comment. As I watch his eyes I realize the tremendous pain he's carrying within his soul. Gently I take his hands in mine and caress them. "We can't change the past, Marcus."

"I know," Marcus says and smiles weakly. "But I still wish we could." The doorchime ruins the intimate moment. "It's all right. Answer them," Marcus whispers softly.

"Enter!" I growl irritated and refuse to let go of Marcus' hands. "Stay," I whisper and Marcus obeys.

Delenn and Lennier enter our quarters and I quickly check the time. "I need to go," I inform Marcus in a soft tone. His hand is clinging to mine and he refuses to let go.

"Marcus, Neroon," Delenn says warmly and then waits for a reply.

Lennier is at her side... he always is. I nod my head to acknowledge their arrival, but remain focused on Marcus whose facial expression reveals fear. "I'll be back soon," I promise.

"Don't go," Marcus says pleadingly.

My heart is beating frantically, seeing the agony Marcus is in. "I'm sorry, but I've got to do this."

"Marcus," Delenn says and walks towards the couch.

I slowly free myself of Marcus' grip and hope Delenn can calm him. She comes to a stop in front of him and takes hold of Marcus' hands. As she speaks her voice is gentle and caring.

"Langar will join you shortly and keep you company. You can watch the confrontation on screen. It will be broadcast all over Minbar."

Marcus meekly nods his head and I hate the fact that he has to abide to this situation, but Delenn is right. Taking Marcus with us is impossible. "Maybe Lennier can stay with you for a moment?" I suggest. "I need to talk to Delenn." I exchange glances with them and both nod their head. They have one more hour before they've got to leave. "Always remember that I love you, Marcus," I whisper in to his ear and kiss his lips one last time before taking a step away from him. They way he looks me in the eyes scares me. "I'll return to you," I vow in a strangled tone.

Walking into the corridor, darkness settles over my heart and I swallow nervously as I head towards the shuttle bay.

part 24

Marcus

"Everything will be fine eventually," Lennier says reassuringly.

He sits down on the couch without invitation, another sign he's not well yet and trying to save his strength for later. Staying on his feet would only tire him. It's obvious he hasn't completely recovered yet and I wish he would stay onboard the Ingata as well. I need someone to talk to, especially now that Neroon is leaving on this dangerous mission. The dark and gloomy feeling is still present in my mind and getting stronger all the time. I mentally prepare myself for the worst possibility, losing Neroon or one of my friends. "Somehow I doubt that, Lennier," I reply depressed, remembering his earlier statement.

"Why?" Lennier asks, leaning forward. "You know our plans. Delenn will challenge Shakiri to follow her in to the Starfire and after he's left the wheel she will do the same. No one will die."

"Call me crazy," I start, "But =I know= something is wrong." I move from the bed to the couch and sit down as well. "Don't you need to go?" I inquire, as I can't bear the expression in his eyes, which looks like pity to me, but thanks to Neroon I know it's only concern.

"In a moment," Lennier replies and grows silent the moment Delenn enters the room again.

Lennier rises to his feet and bows respectfully. I should do the same to honor her presence, but I feel paralyzed. This is the first time Neroon isn't close, isn't on the ship and panic is building in my mind.

"We've got to go," Delenn announces. "Marcus, please do not worry about Neroon. He is in no danger."

I shake my head in disbelief, but remain quiet though, knowing no one will take my hunch seriously. I can't really blame them. My dependency on Neroon must seem odd. Delenn walks up to me and I realize I need to get to my feet after all.

"May Valen guide your path," Delenn says in a gentle tone.

I nod my head once; aware my voice will betray my discomfort.

"Langer will arrive any moment now," Delenn continues.

"I don't need a baby sitter. I'll be fine," I snap suddenly, as my nerves strain under pressure of knowing that Neroon is no longer close and the feelings for dread that just continue to grow stronger.

"He will stay with you until Neroon returns," Delenn decides in a firm tone.

Briefly I wonder about the intensity of her stare. It almost feels like she's trying to tell me something without using words. This worries me even more. She's up to something and I fear nothing good will come of her scheming. The doorchime announces Langar's arrival and I take my seat on the sofa again, watching Lennier and Delenn leave in silence.

"Marcus, you look worried," Langar starts while standing near the doorway.

He seems uncomfortable, being inside Neroon's quarters and I wonder why. He has been here before. "Please sit down, Langar. I'd offer you some tea, but..." Looking at my hands I know I would end up making a total mess.

"I can make tea. If you'd like that," Langar offers with a smile and the unease leaves his features.

"Thank you," I mutter and wonder how to pass the time ahead.

"Are you going to watch the confrontation on screen?" Langar inquires while boiling water.

I've tried hard not to think about that question. Basically I'm too nervous to watch it, but... maybe seeing the proceedings would calm me. "I haven't decided yet." Langar carries two cups of tea to the living area and hands me one. I quickly place it on the table. "You don't need to stay," I whisper absent minded. Inwardly I'm still trying to make up my mind. Do I want to watch what's happening on Varanni or not?

"I think I should stay," Langar says and hesitantly takes a seat as well. "You already miss Neroon," he states knowingly.

"Yes, I do..." I admit and study Langar's eyes. Suddenly I remember I wanted to ask him about Neroon's will. "Did Neroon allow you to read his last will?"

"Yes, he read it aloud," Langar confirms. "But you have a copy of that will as well."

"I have, but... I haven't read it yet."

"Why not?" Langer inquires.

"I'm scared to find out what it says. Reading it makes it kind of final, like Neroon's already dead." Awkwardly, I sip from the tea, which is still hot. Avoiding Langar's eyes I pick up the book and pretend to read. I know it's impolite to ignore his presence, but I'm not in the mood for idle chat. Langar remains quiet and with every passing moment I feel guiltier for ignoring him. "What do you think?" I start. "Have they already reached Varanni by now?"

"Yes," Langar says after checking the time. "The broadcast began 20 minutes ago. Are you sure you do not wish to see it?"

Torn, I stare at the book in my hands. Why the hell am I this worried? Because of some stupid feeling I'm allowing to control me? Maybe I =am= losing my mind after all. When it haunted me yesterday no one died either! Neroon survived the attack and Lennier has also recovered. "Do =you= want to watch it?" I ask Langar.

"I will abide to your decision, Marcus," Langar replies, "but I must admit to being curious. At this moment the fate of Minbari society is being decided."

"You're right," I say, giving in. "I want to watch too."

Langar nods approvingly and walks over to the screen. It only takes him a moment to establish a connection with Minbar and more precisely the temple ruins of Varanni. The way he stands he is blocking my view and I only see Langar's back. However, I do hear the strangled sigh leaving his lips. "Is something wrong?" I ask, not understanding what's upsetting him.

"I am not that sure you should watch this after all," Langar moans.

I get to my feet and walk up to him to find out what's upsetting him. In the middle of the screen I see Delenn, who is cracking underneath the pressure of the Starfire. In the back I catch Lennier and Neroon's worried eyes. Seeing Neroon mumble something in to Lennier's ear a fist closes over my heart and starts crushing it. Panting for breath I grab Langar's arms and can't stop staring as Neroon dashes inside the circle to hand Delenn to Lennier. Delenn's face is red from burns and Neroon starts crumbling underneath the pressure of the Starfire as well. My heart is pounding frantically and my hands clench and open nervously. "Get out!" I yell, as Neroon raises his arms.

"I was born warrior caste, but now I realize, my heart is religious," Neroon states in a determined tone.

It's then that I understand he won't leave the circle and that he is doing this for his people... and I scream out in anger. "You can't leave me!"

"Listen to her! Listen!" Neroon yells and a burst of energy descends on him.

I drop to my knees the moment the energy engulfs him, burning him to cinder. "No," I moan in despair, rocking myself in pain filled anger. I can't believe he's gone as the ceiling closes. Where Neroon stood the floor is black and nothing speaks of the warrior who just stood there, addressing all Minbari.

"No... no... no..." I repeat all over again. This can't be happening! I'm asleep and this is a nightmare, tormenting me. When I wake up Neroon will be at my side. He has to!

"Marcus," Langar whispers devastated.

I ignore his plea, wrapping my arms around my chest, staring at the screen and I see Delenn and Lennier's shocked faces. He's gone. Neroon's gone! No, I can't believe it! He's hiding somewhere and will appear shortly. He's still alive. I hardly register Langar pulling me back on to the couch and

the screen going blank. I pull up my legs and bury my face between my knees.

"No... no... no..." I whisper all the time. Neroon can't leave me behind. He loves me! He would never do this to me!

"Marcus?" Langar asks concerned.

I ignore him and close my eyes in denial, imagining hearing Neroon's voice, smelling his familiar scent. Yes, he's here, close enough for me to reach out and touch him. But when I extend my hand all I encounter is air. "Neroon?" I whisper lost. "Where are you?"

"Neroon is dead," Langar replies in a choked tone.

"NO!" I state convinced. "No," I repeat a lot softer and try curling myself in to a ball. If Neroon is dead I want to die as well. My mind goes strangely numb and all I hear is Neroon's voice, telling me all over again that he loves me and that he'll return shortly. Delenn is reassuring me that Neroon is in no danger and will be back within mere hours and suddenly Shitaro's voice sneers at me, "You don't deserve happiness. You're worthless."

I thought I had silenced that voice weeks ago, but now his ugly laughter crashes in on me and I can't take this any longer. "End it... end this," I beg Langar, but as I look up he's gone. Rivulets of tears slide down my face and I taste their salty flavor on my lips. "Neroon, I need you!" I moan and

bow my head in defeat.

Something cold slips inside my left arm. But as I look down to find out what is causing that sensation, tears stain my sight. Unexpected I hear a soft voice, which I can't identify.

"Marcus, I administered you a sedative. Vallo here will help you to your bed."

I hear the words, but fail to understand them. A lazy fatigue has claimed my body and my mind is following quickly. Suddenly I feel afloat in the air and a moment later something warm covers my trembling body. I role on to my left side and hide my face within my hands. "I want Neroon," I cry aloud and the tone of my voice startles me.

"Try to calm down, Marcus," Langar whispers.

Hands stroke my hair and I tell myself its Neroon and not Langar. Neroon is here with me and will watch over me. Neroon will keep me safe. At the edges of my mind I sense Shitaro's presence, pressing forward, sneaking in closer and quickly I surrender to unconsciousness in order to escape reality.

part 25

Delenn

"What have I done?" The echo of my whispered words follows me everywhere I go. I still can't believe what happened in the temple. All I wanted was to settle this argument by setting an example! I was willing to die within the Starfire for our people. Why did Neroon get involved? Lennier should have stopped him!

"Delenn? Please rest," Lennier says pleadingly.

"How can I rest?" I whisper in a guilty tone. I keep my eyes closed to shut out Lennier's concerned glance. He has been at my side for so long. I've been training him like Dukhat trained me and now... I can't look in to his eyes for I fear my guilt will be reflected in them.

"Neroon made his own decision. You had no part in it," Lennier states determined.

While drawing in a few deep breaths I open my eyes. I'm fighting hard to keep back the tears, knowing I don't have the luxury of crying or showing my sadness that openly as a number of high placed Minbari are watching me from the doorway. I achieved my goal, but Valen, the price is too high!

"The civil war has ended," Lennier says softly. "The Grey Council will lead our people once more."

"But at what price!" I stammer embarrassed. How can I explain this to Marcus? I recall the tone of his voice, telling me Neroon is his lifeline, that he would have taken his life hadn't it been for Neroon's support and love. "When Dukhat died I lost control and it resulted in the Earth-Minbari

war, Lennier," I whisper. "I know how Marcus must feel. He will hate me."

"Marcus will understand," Lennier replies reassuringly.

"No, he won't, because he =can not= understand." I try sitting up. The pain that torments my body is growing less. The real pain is in my mind, my thoughts and my memories. "When Dukhat died, all I wanted was revenge," I explain to Lennier. "I caused so many deaths and now I am responsible for another tragedy."

"Delenn," Rathenn says and steps closer. "The casts are waiting for you to officially install the new Grey Council."

His words mean nothing to me. All I can think about is Marcus and what I took away from him. Had I not been so foolish as to stay inside the Starfire Neroon would still be alive and at Marcus' side once more. Why did Neroon have to act that unselfishly and save my life? "I want to talk to Marcus," I tell Lennier, "Arrange it!" My tone is cold, as I fear Marcus' reaction to my presence. Pulling myself together I get to my feet and allow Lennier to support me. "I will install the new Council," I announce, watching Rathenn's eyes, "and then I will leave Minbar!"

"But we need you," Rathenn objects. "The casts look towards you for guidance."

"I need to take care of personal matters first," I state resolved. I know I can never make up the loss to Marcus, but the least I can do is to be there for him in his hour of need.

"I will contact Marcus," Lennier promises, "but it may be wise to talk to Langar first."

His tone alerts my senses and I study his eyes. "What are you not telling me?"

"I talked to Langar while you were resting," Lennier starts uncomfortably.

"Valen, I told Marcus to watch the events on screen!" I suddenly remember, "Did he see Neroon...?"

"I am afraid so," Lennier confirms. "Marcus and Langar were watching when Neroon died."

"No," I whisper, shaking my head. I no longer care what the others will say of my behavior. I need to express my emotions. "Marcus?" I ask apprehensively.

"Langar had to sedate him. Apparently Marcus went in to denial first and then shock. Marcus is still asleep."

"I must see him," I nod my head, determined to stand with Marcus in the weeks ahead.

"But the Grey Council," Rathenn objects.

"Take me there," I instruct Lennier. "I need to finish this before I can take care of Marcus." Slowly, seeking support by placing my hands against the wall I make my way through the corridors. I will declare the new Council official and then... I must face Marcus.

Pleased, but immensely saddened I watch the nine Minbari who make up the new Grey Council. The worker cast now has the upper hand, as it should be. I told Neroon...

My thoughts vaporize suddenly, stumbling over the name. I dedicated the center place to him, to his memory. It gives me little comfort to know that our race will never forget his name, that children, no matter what cast they belong to will hear about his sacrifice. I know the real sacrifice was leaving Marcus behind.

I am on my way to the Ingata. Lennier is sitting next to me and the shuttle slowly crosses the distance. I don't know what will await me on the Ingata or in what mental state I will find Marcus. I bow my head, pondering the consequences of all the decisions I've ever made. If I had the power I would reverse this last one. I wish I had left the circle after Shakiri fled it. But I didn't and Neroon paid the price.

No, Marcus is paying the price, will pay the price for the rest of his life. I added this pain on top of the misery he already suffered. I took away the one person that convinced him life was worth living. How can I ever justify that? Sighing, I clasp my hands and peek at Lennier who's also lost in thought. "What can we do to ease his suffering?" I ask, tearing the silence in two. Startled, Lennier looks up and I know he has been thinking about Marcus too. "He lost so much... Can Marcus deal with this?" I ask worried. "You know he lost his brother, lost everyone he cared for on Arisia and now..."

"Marcus is strong," Lennier replies eventually. "He will find a way to deal with Neroon's death."

"Have you heard from Langar?" I inquire. "Is Marcus still sedated?"

"Yes," Lennier says softly. "Langar estimates Marcus will wake in one hour, but... he doesn't know how Marcus will react once the truth seeps through."

"We must support him," I say concerned. " We have to be there for him."

"What... " Lennier says hesitantly, "what if he refuses our support?"

"I do not know," I reply honestly. "But I do know we must try and execute Neroon's will." I stare at my hands, thinking it odd that Neroon changed his will the night before he died, like he knew he wouldn't survive the day. "Our primary concern is Marcus' well-being."

"Delenn," Lennier whispers softly.

Wondering about his tone I look in to his eyes and realize with a start that they are watering.

"You could have died inside the wheel!" he suddenly exclaims.

"Lennier," I say compassionately. "We live to serve and when our death is required we sacrifice our lives willingly. Neroon embraced that truth, but... I wish there had been a different way to achieve our goal. Do not worry about me. These superficial wounds," and I point to the burns, "will

heal, but Marcus' soul might be scarred forever."

"You feel guilty," Lennier realizes.

"Yes, I caused this tragedy." I don't know what to add to that statement and stare at the wall. I don't even know what to say to Marcus when I arrive on the Ingata, Neroon's war cruiser. His crew will be in mourning. I've only once felt this lost before, that was when I realized what I had

done by starting the Earth-Minbari war. Valen, help me. I need guidance.

"Delenn," Langar says in a friendly tone, "I am relieved you are here. Marcus has gone in to shock."

"I understand," I whisper and for once I don't know how to act. "Can I see him?"

"I don't know if that's a wise thing to do," Langar says hesitantly.

"I need to talk to him," I say urgently.

"Then come with me."

I follow the healer inside and know Lennier is always close. I need his support, his trust in my judgement. Looking about I discover Marcus lying in bed, covered by a blanket. His facial expression is relaxed, but that's due to the sedative. "What do you suggest we do?" I ask Langar.

"We must wait for him to wake up," Langar replies in an uncertain tone. "I really don't know how he will react. I've seen Neroon and Marcus grow attached to each other these last weeks. Neroon certainly loves... loved him and Marcus was beginning to return those feelings. Now that he has lost Neroon... I fear he might not recover from the loss."

Lennier pulls up a chair so I can sit down. Gingerly I curl my fingers around Marcus'. "Please leave us alone," I request. I need to talk to Marcus in private.

"The sedative will lose affect in a few minutes," Langar says while walking towards the door. "Call me should Marcus need medical assistance."

"I will," I promise and then address Lennier. "I want you to leave as well." Lennier inclines his head, looking worried, but complies eventually. As I sit at Marcus' side I wonder what to say when he realizes I'm here. Will he be angry? Depressed? Sad? If only I knew!

Neroon asked me to decide on Marcus' behalf in case he couldn't deal with the sudden loss. What must I do? "Valen," I whisper softly. "Help me light Marcus' path." At that moment a moan flows through the room and I realize Marcus is waking up.

part 26A

Marcus

Cold thoughts run through my mind.

My body is starting to wake up, but my mind refuses to follow. What… why?

Where am I and why am I this cold? I immediately notice the absence of warmth… Neroon usually makes sure I'm warm. Now I feel alone and deserted.

I don't want to wake up. I want to stay here in the darkness forever. The dark carries with it its pain and I welcome it. My eyes remain firmly closed, as I'm determined to stay here, cut off from everything and everyone. The last thing I remember is seeing Neroon… The Starfire vaporized his body. I'm not even sure ashes remained behind on the floor. He simply ceased to exist.

I know it's the truth and that realization causes me to reach out for the pain again. I don't want to live any more as there's nothing worth living for. Neroon was my entire world, keeping me safe from the memories and horrid nightmares.

I lost my last hold on sanity.

Shitaro's voice comes crashing in again and I pinch my eyes tightly, gnashing my teeth as I try to banish out his tainting presence, but I fail. He's taunting me, telling me he was right all along. Oh, God was he right?

Neroon =almost= convinced me Shitaro was lying when the bastard told me I didn't deserve a normal life, or a chance at love. But I know now Neroon's love must have been pretence. Neroon willingly sacrificed himself for Delenn, knowing I'd stay behind alone! He didn't leave the circle, did he?

//Neroon never loved you! // Shitaro's voices snarls.

Oh, God is he right? No, please go away… Please leave me alone! Isn't it punishment enough I watched Neroon die on screen? Why did I pick that moment to ask Langar to switch it on? Why didn't you leave the circle, Neroon?

I want to scream out in pain, but no one will listen to me. The one person who understood me is gone and will never come back. I'm alone… again.

Why do the people I care for die? What crime did I commit to deserve this kind of punishment? Aren't we all entitled to some happiness? And then I understand… I had my four weeks of bliss with Neroon and I didn't see them for what they were! I can never go back to the past. All I've got are my memories of reading aloud for him, sharing a meal. All that lies ahead of me is loneliness. No… Neroon why did you do it? Why?

"Marcus?"

Hearing her voice makes me nauseous and for one brief instant I wish Delenn had died instead of Neroon. She is the reason that Neroon died! He died so she could live.

We live and die for the One. I chanted that pledge after I completed ranger training, but damnit! Neroon isn't… wasn't a ranger! He could have stepped out of that bloody Starfire wheel. So why didn't you, Neroon? Why? Was it because you preferred a noble death above spending a lifetime with me? Did you really love me or was it all pretence?

I desperately want those answers, but I'll never get them.

"Marcus? Please talk to me," Delenn says pleadingly.

No, I don't want to talk. I don't want to see your face, Delenn. Anger rises within me and I fear I can't control it, so I bite it down, bottle it up like I did when Willie and Hasina died. I bury it deep within my soul and add it to the rage and guilt, which already possesses part of my mind. It simmers like a dark fog and clouds my mind until I stop feeling these emotions, which I can't handle. Numb, I cringe inside.

"Marcus?"

Delenn's tone is frantic, but I really don't care. After all =she= is alive. I hate myself for thinking that, as she's Ranger One, but at the moment I'm too numb to worry about this realization. I wish she would go away and leave me alone.

"Talk to me, ranger Cole!" Delenn commands in a stern tone.

Wrong tactic, Delenn. I don't consider myself a ranger any longer. After what Shitaro did to me… No, I don't want to go there! I can't repress a moan as tears escape my closed eyelids. I need Neroon to pull me through! I ignore Delenn and turn on to my left side, curl up underneath the blanket and rest my hands against my chest. I loved the way Neroon held me in my sleep. Sometimes I'd have dreams about us, banishing out memories of my imprisonment.

But now the nightmares, the memories are sneaking up and I don't have the power to stop them. Only Neroon can defeat them!

"Marcus, I know you hurt, but please talk to me!"

I must give her credit for being tenacious. Delenn is not about to give up.

"Or do you prefer to talk to Langar? Lennier?"

No, just leave me alone! Why can't she leave me alone? I peek at her through half closed eyelids and immediately shut them seeing the expression in her eyes that are dark and haunted. Does she feel guilty for what happened? She should! She's the reason why…

Why can't I stop my thoughts from running in circles? Dear God, I need Neroon! Burying my head in the pillows I disconnect myself from Delenn, from her voice and her presence. I try to remember Neroon's scent and hold frantically on to that sensation. His arms wrap themselves around me and I sigh relieved. Neroon's here and will protect me. I'm no longer alone in this bed as his presence grows stronger and I hear him laugh, telling me to let go and to surrender to sleep.

A moment later I relax and stretch my body cautiously. Snuggling up to Neroon I rest my head on his arm. I want to sleep and dream of that last night we shared and the intimacy he introduced me to. I want Neroon to return to me. There are no more tears left for me to cry and I force my mind in to passivity.

part 26B

Delenn

"Delenn?" Langar says softly as he enters Neroon’s quarters. He watched everything on the security screen and gestures Lennier to accompany him inside to join Delenn at Marcus’ bedside. "What did you expect?" he questions puzzled. Marcus’ reaction doesn’t surprise him. Langar actually expected it considering the young man’s past.

"I do not know," I honestly admit, shaken to the core of my being. "Not this… rejection." Marcus’ chosen seclusion stuns me. I expected anger and rage, knowing the volatile temper he hides underneath his usually controled exterior. But I certainly did not expect him to refuse to acknowledge my presence. He isn’t responding to me at all! Even when I addressed him as a

ranger he ignored me! He must hurt badly and I want him to know I understand. I felt like this when Dukhat died. He was my mentor and when he released his last breath I was filled with rage. How can Marcus switch that anger off like this? No, I realize, he suppresses it! It showed that time in Down below.

I still remember Lennier’s detailed report he gave me after I had been rescued from Nightwatch. Marcus beat up several humans in Down Below in search of information. Hearing that I grew concerned about him. There is so much repressed anger inside Marcus I actually fear he will take it out on himself one day, taking his own life in an attempt to pay for his supposed

shortcoming years ago on Arisia.

"I warned you." Langar takes a step closer to his patient and checks for his vital signs. "Marcus has gone in to shock."

I can’t deny the truth to his statement. He did warn me Marcus might not survive losing Neroon. Why did I insist Neroon had to play a role in this scheme to bring down Shakiri? I didn’t understand how close Marcus and Neroon had become during these last weeks. Marcus looked to Neroon to support him, to aid his recovery. I don’t know how Neroon accomplished it, but Marcus =trusted= him! And now Marcus has no one to turn to in his darkest hour.

"Is he still awake?" Lennier inquires in a concerned tone.

"Yes," Langar confirms. "Marcus can still hear us, but can’t accept what has happened yet. It will take time and a great amount of care to get through to him." His hands gently stroke dark locks. "I noticed Neroon managed to calm his in this manner. What are you going to do?" Langar says curiously.

Growing pale, my eyes focus on Marcus. "We must execute Neroon’s will." I will keep my vow and honor Neroon’s last will by taking care of Marcus.

"I agree," Langar replies. "But we need to act in Marcus’ best interest."

"Of course," I say saddened. "What do you think we can do to aid his recovery?" Neroon urged me to ask for Langar’s advice and I now see the wisdom in that request. Langar knows best about the extent of Marcus’ injuries and his present mental state.

"Someone needs to look after Marcus," the healer says worried. "It’s obvious Marcus… can’t deal with Neroon’s passing."

Fatigued, I rub my brow. "I know that," I whisper softly. "Maybe we should discuss this in the corridor?" I suggest, uncertain if Marcus is listening to our conversation. I don’t want to disrespect his pain and need to mourn Neroon’s death.

Langar shakes his head. "No, there is no need for that. Marcus isn’t listening. He has locked himself up inside his memories of Neroon."

"How do you know that?" Lennier asks mystified.

"I’m a telepath, minor rating, but strong enough to feel the walls he has raised to protect himself," Langer explains and smiles weakly. "And right now he needs those defenses."

Langar’s explanation sounds logical. I observed humans isolate themselves in order to prevent getting hurt again. Marcus is doing the same thing and I must find a way to break through those defenses when the time is right.

Langar is right though. First Marcus has to recover from the shock of seeing Neroon die and he can’t do that by himself. Marcus needs someone to replace Neroon. I make up my mind within seconds.

"I wish to take Marcus back with me to Babylon 5 to have Doctor Franklin examine him," I state resolved and look up at Langar. "Everything here will remind him of Neroon. Maybe seeing his friends will help him lower those walls."

Langar ponders the suggestion. "That is not a wise decision."

"Why not?" I say questioningly. "A human physician might know of ways to treat his injuries we have not thought of. After all, Marcus is human and not Minbari and Babylon 5 is his… home."

"His home?" Langar states questioningly. "Don’t you understand, Delenn? This cruiser became Marcus’ home because Neroon was here. Marcus needed Neroon’s presence. He still does. Marcus buried his past when he accepted Neroon’s offer to stay here as his mate. I think you’re making a mistake in sending Marcus to Babylon 5."

"Marcus staying onboard the Ingata might be an even bigger mistake. Here, he will never be able to let go of Neroon." I slowly shake my head. "Marcus has to mourn Neroon’s passing, I agree, but he should do that while being comforted by his friends."

"Marcus won’t allow them in. Your plan is flawed," Langar objects. "I strongly advice against this."

"Then give me an alternative!" I state tired. I still haven’t completely recovered from the Starfire and my body demands rest.

"Let me take Marcus to Yedor, to Neroon’s residence. There he can recover and deal with Neroon’s death in privacy. Vallo and I will stay close to him and I know Dalmar will do everything to protect him," Langar says hopefully.

After pondering the idea I realize I’m not comfortable with that option. "No, Shitaro will try and get to Marcus and… he will be among strangers. I want him on Babylon 5 where Doctor Franklin will assist you in treating his injuries."

Langar sighs resigned. "So be it. Neroon appointed you to take care of Marcus. I will accompany you to the space station and so will Dalmar."

The upset healer leaves the room and I turn to look at Marcus’ face. He’s trembling underneath the blanket. "Lennier?" I reach out for his support.

"Yes, Delenn?" Lennier’s voice sounds concerned.

I shift my glance to study his expression. "We will escort Marcus home to Babylon 5. Inform Captain Sheridan and Doctor Franklin that we are on our way," I pause and nod my head firmly, determined to do what I think is best for Marcus. "I wish to sit with him for a little longer," I whisper, realizing his pain.

Sitting down I reclaim Marcus’ deformed hand. Franklin will take care of him. Stephen repeatedly visited to inform about Marcus. Franklin considers him a friend and that’s why I’m confident that the doctor will do his best to help him heal.

Lennier leaves as well to contact the station and I absent minded rub Marcus’ cold fingers. "Do not give up, Marcus. You are strong, much stronger than you think."

Moaning softly Marcus changes position and pulls back his hand, denying me any physical contact. Snapping him out of this state now has absolute priority. I cannot allow him to lose himself in his memories and delusions. Marcus deserves better!

part 27

Franklin

"Incoming message," the computer announces and breaks the silence in the office.

"Not now!" I moan displeased. "I'm only halfway through doing this infernal load of paperwork!" Rubbing my brow I glance at the origin of the call and forget about the paperwork seeing the sender is Delenn. She left the station to return to Minbar to settle internal affairs, I know that much. Curious, I accept the call.

As her face appears on screen I briefly shiver seeing the look on her face. She looks tired. Dark circles are starting to show underneath her eyes and only confirm my suspicion something is wrong. "Delenn?" I start, giving her a chance to explain her reasons for calling me.

"Doctor Franklin?"

Her voice sounds nervous and I notice the discomfort in her eyes. "I didn't expect your call," I admit. "Aren't you on Minbar?" It's extraordinary she would contact me across this distance. Hell, Delenn contacting me personally at all qualifies as odd, period!

"I need to talk to you," she says in a determined voice. "I only recently learned that Marcus is still alive and because you demonstrated an interest in..."

I interrupt her, as I can't control my relief. "Marcus is alive? That's good to hear." I've considered Marcus a friend for a long time and I was worried when Delenn couldn't assure me he was still alive. I understand there is a lot of danger involved being a ranger, but Delenn should know where her men are and if they're still alive!

"But there are complications," Delenn says slowly.

"Complications?" I repeat, wondering what she's referring too. "Are you telling me Marcus is injured?" I take an educated guess and by looking at her expression I'm right. "What do you want me to do?"

"We will arrive at Babylon 5 in 12 hours. Would you meet us in docking bay and prepare for Marcus' stay in medlab?" she asks resolved. "Of course!" I exclaim, intent on helping Marcus to the best of my abilities. Mentally I'm already making notes on what to do. "But a summary of his injuries would be of great help. Is someone already treating them?" "Yes, a Minbari healer." Delenn looks to her right and then nods. "Langar assures me you will receive a detailed report within the next hours."

I've got this inexplicable feeling that Delenn is holding back and I'm about to ask what happened to Marcus as Michael walks in to my office. Inwardly cursing I realize Delenn caught his entry as well and her unease grows.

After assuring her I'll be there upon their arrival she terminates the connection. I impatiently wait for Langar's report and decide to stay here in medlab tonight.

"Stephen?" Garibaldi leans against the wall.

"I'm sorry, Michael, but the way it looks now I can't join you for a drink. I'll just have to make some caff here," I say apologetically.

"You got some casualties on their way in?" the Chief quickly deduces.

"One to be precise, Marcus."

"Marcus? I thought he was missing in action so to speak?" Garibaldi asks puzzled.

Michael has tried finding out what happened to Marcus at my request, but his sources knew nothing. Although he's tried hiding it, I know he's also worried about Marcus.

"Apparently our ranger's still alive, but injured. I'm awaiting a detailed report on his condition. Delenn is bringing him here and they'll arrive in 12 hours. I want to take him to medlab at once. Can you arrange for security clearance?"

"I'll immediately take care of it." Garibaldi straightens out his uniform jacket and is about to leave as he says, "Marcus might push my buttons once in a while, but I'm glad he's alive."

I nod my head, knowing Michael doesn't easily discuss his feelings. "I think that goes for all of us."

"Susan included," Michael remarks.

"Yes, I guess," I agree and remember Susan being distraught by Marcus' sudden disappearance as well. She told me it was only because she needed a translator onboard the White Star, but it was obvious she wasn't telling me everything. Ever since Marcus told me he's interested in her I kept hoping that somehow they would find a way to open up to each other. But Susan isn't making it easy for Marcus to tell her about his feelings. Talia's betrayal stung deeply and I doubt Susan will give Marcus a chance, which is really a pity. They are both lonely and deserve a chance at happiness.

"She won't show her relief though." Garibaldi turns around and steps in to the corridor.

Left behind I muse about that last remark. I'm not that sure Michael is right. During these last weeks her mask began to slip. Lennier told me Ivanova has been talking to Delenn about Marcus on more than one occasion.

My fingers hover above the com panel. Is it wise to contact her? Well, I guess I could let her know Marcus is on his way back. Ah, to hell with analyzing everything and I tap my hand communicator, hoping Michael didn't tell her already.

"Ivanova go," she replies in a calm tone.

In the background I hear officers relying orders and I realize she's in &C. "Franklin here. I just wanted you to know that Marcus is alive and on route to the station." Holding my breath I wait for a reaction.

"Acknowledged, Ivanova out."

That's it? That's all she can say after bugging Delenn and me for more information about Marcus? Stunned, I lean back in my chair. Perhaps she doesn't want to show any relief in front of her crew, I tell myself. I'm determined to contact her again after her shift has ended. Her emotionless tone strikes me as odd.

One hour later my head snaps back realizing there's another incoming message originating from the Minbari war cruiser. Curious I accept the message and look at the face of an elderly Minbari male, dressed in brown robes. "Yes?" I start puzzled.

"I'm Langer. Delenn asked me to update you on Marcus' condition and to send you a detailed report on his condition."

"I'm Stephen Franklin," I introduce myself and dislike seeing the man's furrowed brow. "How is he doing?"

"Not well," Langar replies in a worried tone. "Marcus is awake and yet at the same time... he doesn't acknowledge our presence. I hoped he would fall asleep, as I don't want to administer even more drugs to him, but he refuses to close his eyes. I already had to inject a sedative."

"Sedative? What the hell is going on?" I realize Delenn kept me in the dark and this is my chance to find out.

"The report will give you all necessary information," Langar says evasively. "I do suggest you take Marcus to a secluded section of the station. He might not react well to a crowd, that's if he'll react at all."

"Noted," I say and grow worried. I download and access the medical report Langar sent and study it quickly while maintaining the link. "What?" I stutter after reading the first few paragraphs about Marcus' captivity. "Are you serious?" I can't believe the extent of injuries described in the file. "Multiple fractured wrists and ankles? Broken ribs? Internal bleeding?"

"His wrists and ankles are still mending. Marcus' ribs have healed, but... his emotional state is... beyond words." Langar shakes his head. "Read the entire report."

I do and suck in my breath, realizing what Marcus was subjected to during his imprisonment. This Shitaro tortured him in every possible way. "Marcus was sexually assaulted and Neroon got him out?" I summarize the report.

"Yes," Langar replies saddened. "Marcus became dependent on Neroon and now that Neroon is dead..."

"Dead?" I interject. "But if Marcus really developed a dependency on Neroon... Has he gone in to shock?"

"Yes," Langar confirms in a strangled tone. "One could almost say Marcus is catatonic."

"I will take him to medlab 3 in Green section. We hardly use it and that will ensure his privacy," I decide. I was way too optimistic about Marcus' miraculous return. Why didn't Delenn warn me earlier? She didn't even mention Marcus' injuries were this severe! I can't imagine the state Marcus is in. "Is Marcus responding at all?"

"No," Langar mutters. "He has lost all sense of reality." Langar hesitates briefly. "You must know I am telepath and I can sense his despair. Marcus doesn't want to return to us or to live in our reality. He's constructed his own by maintaining Neroon is still alive."

"Can't you use your telepathic ability to push through his defenses?" I suggest. I have to use every advantage I've got and having a telepath close to Marcus can prove helpful.

"His mind is too fragile," Langar objects. "I would do even more damage."

"We will discuss this after Marcus has arrived on the station. Would you stay onboard until his recovery has set in?"

Langar nods determined. "I'll assist you."

Reassured, I close the connection and study Marcus' medical file more thoroughly. "Damn! Looks like he was dealing with what Shitaro did to him thanks to Neroon, and now... he won't trust me, won't trust anyone... perhaps..."

Can I ask Susan to come down after I examined Marcus to talk to him? I should keep that option in mind, should the rest fail. But foremost I've got to respect the patient-doctor confidentiality. No matter how badly I want to help Marcus I must be careful not to reveal too much about his captivity.

"Susan? We need to talk!" I catch a glimpse of her back as she strides around the corner. Hearing my voice she turns and waits for me to fall in to step next to her.

"What about?" she asks in a tired tone. "I've been on duty for 16 hours straight and I need to get some sleep."

I'm not sure why she's being evasive. I didn't even mention the subject of our conversation yet. "I'll walk you to your quarters," I offer, giving her no way out.

"Suit yourself," Susan whispers and start walking again. After a moment of silence she says, "This is about Marcus, isn't it?"

I nod my head once. "Your... reaction surprised me. I thought you'd be relieved to hear he's fine, after all... Marcus is part of our little family here," looking her in the eyes I add, "even though there aren't Earthforce insignia pinned on to his uniform," I say, suddenly remembering a remark she made months ago.

Susan flinches and I catch that motion. "Why are you avoiding this issue?" I'm usually not this direct, but I need to know where she stands, in case I need her help in setting up a treatment program for Marcus' recovery.

"I'm not avoiding anything!" Susan snaps. "Of course I'm glad he's alive! I lost too many people I cared about in my lifetime to begin with, but you can't expect me to show that in front of my crew in C&C." Her expression darkens and she bangs her fist in to the wall before entering her quarters.

Something she said suddenly hits me. "So you admit you care about Marcus?" I'm looking at her back as she has stopped walking and is now standing in front of me. "I realize it's hard for you, letting people in, especially after what happened to Malcolm and Talia, but..."

"You know shit!" Susan swirls about and her eyes shoot fire.

"Susan, I'm sor..."

"Sorry?" she repeats angered. "You don't know how sorry I am for letting people in time and time again and then they die on me or betray me..."

"And now you thought Marcus also died on you," I suddenly realize in a flash. "My message must have hit you pretty hard." I walk over to her and feel relieved as she allows me to sit her down. I had no idea Marcus' disappearance shook her up like this. "Want me to make you some caff?"

"Coffee."

Susan points me to the kitchen and after a short inspection I find the stashed away box of real coffee. After switching on the machine I return to the living area and find myself in an odd situation. Susan is staring at the wall and seems strangely vulnerable to me. I've never seen her like this before. Not even after we exposed Talia for what she truly was. "What's different about Marcus?" I ask, offering her a way to open up. Why the hell does she have to hide behind those walls all the time?

"I don't want to talk about him," Susan says in a shaky tone.

"Can't do that." I shrug my shoulders. "You're both my friends and I want to help."

"I don't need help!" Susan sneers.

"Susan," I say soothingly, "I'm a friend, remember? And friends stick together."

"You don't know what's like to lose all the ones you love." Susan shakes her head.

I return to the kitchen to get the coffee and hand her a mug. "I lost people I loved too," I say softly. "And in my profession death is always near. It made me realize how precious the time is we can spend together." Susan weakly smiles at me and I take that as a hint to continue. "Marcus once told me to touch passion when it came my way, because it's rare enough as it is. And you know what? He's right."

"Stephen?"

"Yes?" I grin seeing color return to her face and wish she had confided in me earlier.

"Thanks, I feel better now." Sipping from her coffee Susan appears to be thinking something over. "So what's the deal on Marcus' disappearance?"

I'm relieved she's interested in his well being. "Delenn is bringing him back to the station. They'll arrive in... 10 hours." I pause, trying to formulate my next remark. "And he's badly injured." Susan's eyes snatch at mine and I wish I could reassure her everything will be all right, but I can't.

"How badly? Will he survive?" Susan asks upset.

"I don't know. I need to examine him first, but I thought you should know." I slowly reach for her hand, curious whether she'll pull back. She doesn't and I squeeze it reassuringly. "Maybe you want to be kept updated on his condition? I don't think he can handle visitors at the moment, no matter how lovely they might be," I add and wink at her.

"I would like that," Susan admits and smiles.

In dark places part 28

Franklin

I can't help feeling nervous as I stand in the docking bay area awaiting Marcus' arrival. I prepared for the worst possible scenario and brought along a wheel chair, as I seriously doubt Marcus can walk. Michael made sure this part of the docking bay is empty and I'm grateful for his

thoughtfulness. As Garibaldi walks up to me he takes in his surroundings, making certain his orders were carried out.

"The elevator will take you straight to medlab 3," Michael says in a soft tone. "I'll stick around to keep an eye on the Minbari."

"And Marcus," I add, knowing Michael too well.

"And Marcus," Michael admits. "I wish you'd tell me what's really going on and why I need to take all these precautions." The Chief cocks his head. "I don't like it when people keep things from me."

"I can't tell you, Michael. You've got to respect patient-doctor confidentiality," I berate him softly, already revealing too much. Will Marcus react at all, seeing Michael and me? If Langar is correct he won't even notice us, locked up in his memories as he is. Hopefully I'll find a way to get through to him.

The docking bay doors slowly open and I draw in a deep breath, steadying myself for whatever will happen. Michael is still standing next to me and although he's acting like he doesn't really care the concern in his eyes is giving him away. Holding on to the medical scanner in my hands I wait

impatiently.

The first person to appear is Lennier. I sigh distressed seeing his upset glance, his normal air of serenity gone. Lennier is worried as well, which is a bad sign. Then Delenn steps in to the waiting area. Her brow is knotted and her fingers fumble the cloth of her robes. I've never before seen her do that. Apprehension fills me the moment the Minbari healer, Langar, walks up to me. I nod towards him and wait for Marcus to arrive.

Two warriors are needed to support him while walking. Marcus mechanically places one foot in front of the other and his eyes are dead empty. I shiver seeing the darkness in them. One doesn't need to be a telepath to notice the pain he's carrying with him.

"Stephen?" Delenn starts and bows slightly.

I quickly return the gesture and then approach Marcus who shows no sigh of recognition. "Delenn, I want to take him straight to medlab 3."

"Of course." Delenn gestures the two warriors to come closer. "Vallo and Dalmar will help you in getting him there. Dalmar is Marcus' aide," she says wavering as she speaks that last word.

"Aide? He can come along, but tell him to stay out of my way. You can sit him down in the wheel chair," I instruct, asking Delenn or Lennier to translate for me.

"We understand Standard," Vallo replies in a friendly tone and helps Marcus to sit down.

"We all do," Langar says, nodding his head.

Relieved, I release the breath I've been holding on to. Marcus looks bad and way too fragile. "You must be Langar," I say, addressing the elderly Minbari.

"Yes, I am and I suggest you take him to a more... controlled environment." Langar shoots Garibaldi a suspicious look.

"You can trust them," Delenn states upset. "All of us want to help Marcus."

"It's okay," I say soothingly, looking in to Vallo's eyes. "I understand you want to protect him." Yes, I do understand their reaction after reading Langar's report and talking to him for an hour. "We should be going now." I gesture the warriors to push the wheel chair to the elevator.

Watching Marcus, I realize Langar is right. Marcus has gone in to shock and I need to find a way to draw him out of his self-chosen isolation.

The ride to medlab only takes a few minutes and as we enter the facility I ask Vallo and Dalmar to stay in the waiting area. They object at first, but Delenn and Lennier calm them by reassuring them I can be trusted and the four of them watch us leave. Finally alone with Marcus and Langar I look at the Minbari's eyes. Suddenly it strikes me how tired the Minbari looks.

"I've been awake for 72 hours, just as long as Marcus. I didn't want him to be alone," Langar says concerned. "I sense that his spirit is growing weaker. He's about to give up."

"We can't allow that to happen," I state and together we place Marcus on an exam bed. My emotions almost over run me, realizing how much weight Marcus has lost. Scars cover parts of his face and his blank eyes stare in to nothingness. Cold rage sweeps through me. Rage aimed at Shitaro who did this to him. "Marcus needs sleep," I whisper.

"Yes, but first we need to get him out of his current state. The longer we wait the harder it is to reach him," Langar says softly. "I gently probed his defenses, but the pain is too much to handle. I had to abandon the effort."

Switching on the scanner I ponder the dilemma. "I can use certain drugs to force him in to waking up." I'm not comfortable with that solution, but we've got to break through to him. I stroke back some locks that obscure his face and I shake my head. "I'm not sure he'll recover from this trauma. Did this Shitaro really torture him?" I ask in disbelief. Deep in my heart I know he did, but... I need to hear it confirmed.

"Yes, he did. I treated Marcus when Neroon first brought him onboard. I feared he'd die, but Marcus surprised us all. Neroon became his lifeline and he started making progress, but then... he broke down seeing Neroon die."

Langer grows silent and watches the readings on the screen.

"He watched Neroon die?" I stutter amazed. "Then we can add another traumatizing event to the list." Distracted by this unexpected revelation I try concentrating on the readings. "Marcus needs fluids and food."

"He refuses to eat," Langar says saddened.

"We'll have to hook him up to an IV then," I whisper. "But first I'm going to give him some meds which will force him to wake up." I still can't believe Marcus is in this bad a way. The last time I saw him Marcus invited me to go for a drink in the Zocalo.

Langar pushes up a sleeve to uncover Marcus' veins and I stop in my tracks seeing deformed bones forcing the ranger's wrist in to a strange position. I compose myself and inject the transparent liquid. "It needs a few minutes to spread through the body," I inform Langar. "What do you think, whom will he respond to best? Me or you?"

"I do not know," Langar admits. "You should try it."

I take Marcus' right hand in mine and exploratory run my fingers over his palm. I mentally cringe seeing the extent of damage to his hands. After adjusting the exam bed Marcus now sits upright and I move closer, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

"Marcus, can you hear me?" I start cautiously. Nothing. No reply, no sign he heard me. I must try again; maybe the drugs aren't fully effective yet. "Marcus? It's me, Stephen."

Again, Marcus doesn't react and I look towards Langar for advice.

"Don't give up yet," the Minbari says. "Show Marcus you are determined to make him open up."

There is truth in Langar's statement. I need to convince Marcus I want to help him and will stay at his side. "Marcus, don't do this to me. I know you can hear me." I gently raise his chin and rub his skin. "Talk to me, Marcus."

Small shudders suddenly rack Marcus' body and I realize the meds finally kicked in. "Marcus? Talk to me," I repeat and watch his eyes. Their expression has changed. "You can hear me," I tell him again, "And I want you to start talking to me."

"Continue," Langar suddenly whispers. "His mind... is coming back to us. Don't let him slip away again!"

Encouraged, I softly rub his fingers and try catching his stare. "Marcus, it's me, Stephen."

Suddenly Marcus blinks his eyes and I sigh relieved. "Marcus? I know this is hard on you, but you've got to let us help you. Langar is here as well." I observe him closely and notice the changes in his breathing, which is turning rapid and irregular. "Calm down, Marcus. You're safe."

"Safe?" Marcus whispers in a cracked tone.

I exchange a victorious glance with Langar who smiles back at me. "Yes, safe," I confirm. "Langar and I are watching over you, so don't worry." Marcus stirs slowly and shifts on the exam bed. His eyes open and close slowly, like he's learning how to focus again. He's truly waking up now.

"Marcus?" I softly squeeze his hand. "Can you tell me your last name?" I probe, trying to determine whether he's fully awake yet.

"Last name?" Marcus says confused. "I don't have a name."

I catch Langar's distressed sigh and look up questioningly.

The healer leans forward and whispers, "Marcus reacted like this after Neroon rescued him. Shitaro convinced Marcus he no longer deserved a name."

Grateful for this information I cock my head and finally make eye contact. "Marcus, welcome back home." Slowly Marcus looks about and I see the wonder in his eyes. "You're back on Babylon 5," I whisper reassuringly.

"No!" Marcus suddenly exclaims in panic. "Neroon promised I could stay!"

"Marcus, calm down," I repeat in a firm tone, but he pushes me away and curls up on the exam bed. His hands shake violently and spasms rack his exhausted body.

"I knew we made a mistake in taking him here," Langar says resolved. "But Delenn wouldn't listen!"

"Give me time to work with him," I reply pleadingly. "I need to examine and talk to him before we can decide on any form of treatment." I don't want to admit it, but Marcus is in a far worse state than I expected, and I'm no longer that confident I can help him heal. But I'll try!

"I worry for him," Langar says apologetically.

"I understand." I rise from the exam bed, get the sleeping meds and return to Marcus' side. He has started to murmur softly. Sitting on my heels I strain to hear his words.

"Neroon... loves me... hold me... alone... pain..."

"I will take care of the pain," I promise and slowly inject the sleeping medication. "You're going to sleep now, Marcus. Don't fight it. You need rest." I cover him with a blanket and study his tired features as he loses the fight to stay awake. Assured Marcus is soundly asleep I look at Langar. "The two of us need to talk, now!"

In dark places part 29

Marcus

"You're going to sleep, now. Don't fight it, Marcus."

The words swirl around in my mind and I try to decipher their meaning. The voice speaking to me sounds kind of familiar, but I don't even try finding out who it belongs to, as I float, lost across a dark surface of pain. The numbness is starting to decrease in intensity and slowly I register sounds

coming from all around me. I know I'm back on Babylon 5; at least that's what the voice told me. I don't want to be here! Neroon promised I could stay with him as long as I live.

Then why break that promise?

"Marcus, you need rest," the voice says in a surprisingly gentle tone.

Suddenly I realize it's addressing me. Rest? Why would I need rest? All I need is... Neroon. But he died! I watched him die and that's why I'm back on Babylon 5 now. I'm no longer entitled to stay onboard the Ingata! I reach out to cherished memories of Neroon smiling at me, but they dissolve as fatigue too quickly consumes me. A desperate urge to give in to sleep overwhelms me and I surrender.

The voice and sounds around me die as I enter the silent world of sleep. But I know that silence won't last long.

I'm right.

Shitaro's spiteful voice sneers at me and I flinch looking at his ugly face that suddenly takes shape in front of my eyes. I'm back in my cell and smell the dreadful stench of blood and urine. No... please take me away from here!

"Neroon cannot help you. He is dead!" Shitaro snarls viciously.

No, please, I don't want to be here! Looking down my body I notice dried blood and my hands and feet hurt immensely. In my nightmares they're no longer healed, but once more shattered. Slowly I crawl in to a corner, pull up my legs and rock myself. Footfalls close in on me and I'm too afraid to look up, knowing its Shitaro who returned to add to the pain. I can't deal with this. Why did they make me go to sleep? I'm defenseless in my dreams!

I want to wake up, but something is keeping me back. I didn't want to fall asleep in the first place, knowing my fears await me and now I'm locked up in them! "Help me," I scream in my dream, knowing no one can hear me. The footfalls grow harder and I make myself as small as possible, wishing I were invisible. It won't work though. It never did during my captivity.

"Marcus, what are you doing to yourself?" a soft voice says in a berating tone

I shiver hearing that voice, recognizing it. Its presence makes me look up, wondering if it's one of Shitaro's tricks, but what if it isn't? I've got to know for sure. As my eyes slowly devour his body I release a soft whimper seeing his face. "Neroon!" I exclaim in disbelief. "It can't be you!"

"Marcus, you disappoint me." Neroon sits on his heels and shakes his head. "I thought you had learned not to wallow in self pity."

"I don't understand," I stutter, but move forward to wrap my arms around him. Suddenly the cell is gone and I'm back in his quarters onboard the Ingata. "Thank you, God," I whisper in a shaky tone. I don't think I would have survived living through my captivity a second time. "Hold me," I beg Neroon who immediately complies. "I don't understand. You're dead. I watched you die!" But his body is real and warm. I recognize his scent and inhale it deeply.

"I don't pretend to understand this either," Neroon starts. "But I think you're keeping me here in your dreams, because you're not yet ready to let me go."

His hands stroke my brow and I release a strangled sigh. "Just don't leave me!" I command pleadingly. Unexpected, he lifts me in his arms and carries me to the couch. I can't believe how real this feels. Maybe I truly lost it this time! The truth is that I don't really care. All that matters is Neroon holding me tight.

His chest rises underneath my fingertips and he feels definitely alive. I can't hold back any longer. "Why did you do it, Neroon? Why did you die on me? You know I need you!" I accuse him in a harsh tone. My hurt surfaces and tears drip down my face. "I believed you when you told me you loved me!"

"But I do love you." Neroon smiles saddened. "I love you in death."

His admission calms me slightly. "Then explain it to me, Neroon. Why didn't you step out of the Starfire? I watched you die for heaven's sake!" My anger is getting the better of me and I can no longer control it. "You don't love me, never did!" Neroon gives me a sad look and I know I'm falsely accusing him. His eyes reflect his affection and love for me. "I'm sorry," I mumble.

"You feel hurt. I understand that," Neroon replies thoughtfully. " But you must understand that I didn't have a choice when saving Delenn."

"Wrong," I chide him. "It was you who taught me that we always have a choice!" Neroon is sitting next to me, his arms slung around my waist and his brow rests against mine. "Oh god, how can I possibly be mad at you? Had I been in your position I'd have done the same," I realize with a start.

"The hardest thing I ever did," Neroon whispers softly, "was leaving you behind by stepping in to the Starfire. I knew that I'd never get a chance to show you that it was the only way to end the civil war."

I stopped crying moments ago, but now new tears make my eyes water hearing this confession. "I just assumed I wasn't that important to you," I admit choking up.

"Marcus," Neroon mumbles, "you lie to yourself to protect yourself, but that isn't necessary. I will always live on in your heart, you know that."

"I know," I mumble upset. "I guess I always knew, but... I can't cope without you."

"Yes, you can, Marcus."

Neroon stares in to my eyes and I shiver seeing the confidence in them. "Will you be gone once I wake up?" I ask nervously and then realize I phrased it wrong. "I mean... the next time I fall asleep, will you be waiting for me in my dreams?"

"I honestly don't know," Neroon replies. "I'm not even sure why I'm here in your dreams now. All I remember is the Starfire tearing me apart and then walking in to your cell."

He definitely looks confused and I'm sorry I ever asked that particular question. "You're here now," I say soothingly and push him back until I can lie down next to him. My head rests on his lap and I enjoy the sensation his fingers create as they tangle in my hair. At peace, I role on to my back to study his facial expression. "I don't ever want this moment to end."

"That's a very unrealistic wish," Neroon says softly, "but I share that desire."

Something about his eyes strikes me as odd and suddenly I realize what it is. "Neroon, you aren't about to cry, are you?" I don't think I can handle that, but his eyes =are= watering.

"No," he replies amused. "But I must admit I've seldom been this emotional."

Snuggling up to him I rest my head against his chest. This feels so comfortable, so fucking familiar that I start to tremble in his arms.

"What is it?" Neroon inquires worried.

"I dread waking up and finding you gone." My hands bury themselves in his clothes until I feel bare skin underneath my fingertips. "You feel so real!" I stutter.

"It feels even stranger to me," Neroon confesses. "I'm dead, remember?"

"What's it like? Dying?" I ask curiously. As long as I'm in his arms I'm safe and I feel like I can accomplish anything. Neroon gives me a puzzled look and I know I won't get an honest answer.

"I'm forbidden to speak about it."

"Hold on!" I exclaim, sit up in his arms and clutch his head in my hands. "I thought you had no idea how you got here? Then how do you know you're not allowed to speak about this subject?" Trembling I wonder what he's hiding from me. His eyes are giving him away and I definitely see pain in them. "Neroon?" I say, afraid I angered him.

"Don't go there, Marcus. Don't question my presence in this dream."

His voice carries a hint of warning and I let it rest for now. "But I need those answers," I object softly, no longer trying to make him open up. "I'm just relieved you're here," I whisper and rest my body against his. "I missed you!"

"Yes, I know that," Neroon replies. "We need to talk, Marcus."

I knew this was coming, but in all honesty, as long as I can hear his voice I don't care what he's talking about. Caressing his bare chest with my fingers I savor this moment.

"Delenn took you back to Babylon 5," he states.

"Yes and I wish she hadn't!" My hands freeze and I stare in to Neroon's dark eyes. "I don't want to be here! I can't face them, certainly not Stephen and... Susan." Her name is only a whisper and I wish I had never spoken it.

"You have feelings for her," Neroon says in a soft tone.

"I =had= feelings for her," I correct him in a cold tone. "The way I'm now..." Unable to end that sentence I feel like I'm betraying Neroon. He loves me and now I'm thinking about someone else that I used to care about.

"Be honest with yourself, Marcus," Neroon advises. "I am dead and can no longer help you heal. But if she also cares for you..."

"She doesn't!" I yelp and tug at his clothes, freeing my hands in the process. "Don't you get it? She can't stand me!"

"I seriously doubt that," Neroon says and grins.

"You don't know what she's like!" I object and close my eyes, trying to banish her eyes from my mind. "She will never allow me close."

"I know another person who was determined to shut everyone out," Neroon says tenderly. "And in the end he called me back from my rest."

I start to blush and my face turns crimson red.

"Why are you blushing?" Neroon asks in an amused tone.

Avoiding his eyes my thoughts drift back to the last evening we shared. "I was thinking about your... oral exploration," I admit in a shy tone.

Neroon laughs warmly. "I impressed you, didn't I?"

"Yes," I quip slightly embarrassed and relax in his arms. "I can't imagine Susan ever doing that for me." I wish I could take back those words as I feel I revealed too much of my hopes and fears.

"You can't fool me," Neroon starts. "You still have feelings for her. I suggest you act upon them!"

"Are you serious?" I choke out. I assumed Neroon would react jealously.

"Marcus," Neroon says, "I want you to be happy, to live your life to the fullest. I can no longer be part of your life, but Susan can."

"I can never again look her in the eyes," I whisper, "not after what Shitaro..." Neroon doesn't berate me and I ponder my answer. My self-esteem has reached a new low and I will never feel like I deserve Susan's attention.

Suddenly something tugs at my mind, pulling me away from Neroon and I desperately fight the sensation. He's fading away underneath my hands and I snatch at his form, trying to keep him close.

"They're calling you, Marcus. Our time together has ended. Don't forget what I tried to show you. You're strong and will survive," Neroon whispers.

"No," I yell in despair. "You've got to stay with me!" My mouth grows dry and I look at my empty hands. Neroon is no longer here and another voice appears instead.

"Marcus? It's time to wake up."

"No," I moan, but on impulse I open my eyes and stare in to Stephen's.

In dark places part 30

Marcus

"Good, you're awake!" Stephen states relieved. "You had me worried for a sec, Marcus."

His voice is filled with concern and I swallow hard realizing that as a doctor he probably knows my entire updated medical history. Why did Delenn have to bring me here? I don't want them to know what Shitaro subjected me to! They are too close, know me too well.

"Marcus, how do you feel?" Stephen inquires.

He switches on a medical scanner and it slowly examines my body. I don't trust my voice enough to speak and even if I did address him, what the hell am I supposed to say?

"I asked you a question, Cole," Stephen says softly.

"Not sure," I reply and close my eyes again to banish his face from my mind. I want to be alone. Immediately I recognize the distinct smell that I associate with medlab and strain to hear other voices, telling me how many people are around. But I only hear Stephen's.

"You've have been here for 8 hours and you've slept straight through them," Stephen says and switches off the scanner. "I had to give you something to sleep, because when you came in you were in shock."

Nervous, I bite my lower lip. I feel terribly ashamed, lying here on the exam bed unable to move properly. My body seems paralyzed and all I can do is breathe deeply and hope this embarrassing moment will pass.

"Langar is here as well, assisting me," Stephen says as he takes a seat on the bed.

I quickly move away from him and because I've no sense of orientation I almost fall from the bed. Stephen catches me in time, making sure I never hit the floor. I cringe feeling his fingertips on my skin and quickly pull back.

An awkward silence descends on to the room and I try to increase the distance between us. Physically and emotionally Stephen is too close to making me talk to him and determined I role on to my side. Turning my back on him I hope he'll back down and leave me alone. I want to return to sleep and search for Neroon in my dreams so I will feel safe again.

"You remember Langar, don't you?" Stephen asks slowly

He walks to the other side of the bed to face me and I realize he's determined to talk to me. Drained, I resign myself to this situation. "Yes, I do," I whisper uncomfortably.

"He's worried about you and so is Delenn," Stephen continues.

He's trying hard to catch my stare and I can't help but answer the glance, remembering Neroon told me to search their eyes. I'm afraid to find pity in Stephen's eyes, but Neroon was right. Stephen cares for me and doesn't pity me. He wants to help me because he considers me a friend. "You don't have to worry," I say in a cracked tone.

"But we do," Stephen says in a chiding tone, "because we care for you." A smile accompanies his words.

"I'm not worth it." The words leave my lips before I realize it. I wrap my arms around my waist underneath the blanket and shiver violently. "Why can't you just leave me alone?" I distinctly hear Stephen sigh and he sounds distressed as he speaks again.

"We're going to work through this together. You've been to hell and back and all of us want to help you because we care for you."

I shake my head slightly. "I can't do this without Neroon." I'm sure he knows what happened to Neroon. Langar probably filled him in on everything! No, I berate myself. Stephen needs to know everything. As my doctor he wants me to recover and Langar is obligated to inform him. I can't be angry with them.

But I need to be angry with someone! The anger, the rage is consuming me from the inside. I locked it away as Delenn sat at my side, but now it's bubbling up again. It takes every ounce of determination I've got to push it back in to the obscure darkness of my mind.

"I'm sorry about Neroon," Stephen says in a sincere tone. "I know he meant a lot to you."

"He loved me," I stutter and rub my temples. A headache is starting at the back of my head and I'm not sure I can deal with that nagging pain. "Put me back to sleep?" I beg in a soft tone.

"No, Marcus, that's no solution and you know it. You need to talk this out and I'm here to listen," Stephen offers.

He isn't pushing me and I appreciate it, but I can't tell him what I've been through. I don't want to relive everything. It was hard enough to open up to Neroon the first time. I simply don't have the courage or energy to do it again. "I can't do that."

"You must if you want to recover." Stephen sits down on the bed adding, "And we want you to recover."

"Why?" I ask questioningly. "Why care about me?" My eyes flash open and my harsh tone startles me. "You know what I've been through, what Shitaro did to me. Why the hell can't you just let me be!" The rage has found a way through my defenses and I aim it at myself, not wanting to hurt Stephen's feelings. "Neroon died on me, Delenn brought me here against my will and

Shitaro... I want to die, dammit! I've got nothing left to live for!"

Stephen shakes his head calmly. "Yes, I know what happened and I understand you're hurt. But, Marcus we do care about you."

His tender tone makes me feel nauseous and I fear the return of the dry heaves, which tormented me during those first days on the Ingata. Stephen stays calm, looks me in the eyes and his fingers stroke my hair like Neroon used to do. I wonder how much Langar told him.

"Calm down, Marcus and trust us to help you deal with this." Stephen smiles and looks at the doorway.

I follow his glance and tense up, uncertain who is hiding there. I relax seeing Langar. Except for Neroon he's the only one I vaguely trust. Seeing him close ensures me I'm safe. "Langar," I whisper and smile weakly.

"I tried to stop Delenn, but she was determined to take you here," Langar says apologetically.

"I don't want to stay here. Can't you talk to her?" I look at both Stephen and Langar. "Please, anywhere is better than this place." My pounding heart pumps my blood through my veins at an insane rate and I'm growing hopeful they'll honor my request.

"Marcus, it doesn't matter where you are," Stephen starts concerned. "You need medical care and support."

I remain quiet; knowing only Neroon could have motivated me to work at my recovery. As it is now, I don't care about my future.

"Delenn wants to talk to you," Stephen says. "Do you think you're up to it?"

Rationally I know I can't refuse her request, but emotionally I can't face her so I shake my head. "No, please keep her out of here."

"I will if you tell me why," Stephen whispers in a sly tone.

I forget about him sitting close to me as Delenn's gloomy eyes appear in my mind. "I simply can't face her," I admit shaken. "She's the reason why Neroon..."

Langar finishes for me. "Why Neroon is dead now. He died with honor, Marcus."

The Minbari's eyes are swimming and I realize he's mourning Neroon's death as well. "You know how I feel," I whisper. "Change Delenn's mind and let me go!" I'm losing control and I'm fighting hard to recompose myself. I don't want to fall apart in front of them. But I can no longer keep the rage and shame down. It needs to get out. Stephen and Langer are the only ones I can aim it at and my voice cracks as I start yelling at them.

"Don't you understand that I can't look in to your eyes without feeling ashamed, Stephen? I failed Delenn, allowed myself to be captured and everything backfired. You and the others know what I was like before this shit happened! You know I've changed! I don't want to lose our friendship. I want to be able to face you and look you in the eyes without feeling ashamed, without being afraid Susan and Garibaldi are whispering behind my back that I'm a failure! That I'm only a pathetic excuse for a ranger!"

I want to rave on, but short of breath I'm forced to stop. My throat feels like sand and I gulp to draw in my next breath. "I want to keep some of my dignity," I choke out in a strangled cry. Shaking badly I watch my hands as they turn in to claws, clutching the blanket. Stephen is still sitting next to me and I wonder what I've got to do to make him turn his back on me!

"It's true," Stephen whispers in an emotional tone. "I don't know what you're going through. Shitaro didn't do this to me."

His words sound honest and my breathing becomes regular again. I still can't look them in the eyes after my emotional outburst. If Neroon were here I would never have lost control like this! "Then don't force me to stay here," I mumble embarrassed.

"We'll talk to Delenn," Stephen promises and sighs heavily. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

There's something I'm curious about, but... "Is Susan doing fine?" I can't help being worried about her. Neroon was right. I still care about her.

Stephen's eyes light up brightly. "She asked me to keep her informed about your recovery."

"Don't tell her," I say pleadingly. "Don't tell her what Shitaro did, please Stephen."

"Don't worry, Marcus. I took an oath to respect your privacy. I'm a doctor, remember?" Stephen says teasingly.

Hearing that lighthearted tone makes me smile. "Thanks for being more than a doctor... for being a friend."

Stephen nods his head and Langar slowly approaches the bed. "Marcus," the Minbari says determined, "if you had your way, where would you like to stay during your recovery?"

Confused, I look at Stephen. Why ask me?

"Answer the man, Marcus. Maybe then we've got something that will help us convince Delenn that this isn't the right place for you to be right now."

Stephen and Langar exchange a meaningful glance and seem strangely pleased.

That doesn't make it easier for me to answer that question though. "Where would I like to be?"

"Yes," Stephen says firmly. "Don't limit yourself."

A smile breaks through on my face as I nod my head. Catching Langar's eyes I say, "Neroon mentioned a residence near Yedor?"

"That was what I suggested to Delenn," Langar says fatigued, "but she insisted Doctor Franklin here on the station check on you."

"But... do you think I can really go there?" I ask confused. Would the Minbari allow me in the house?

"Yes," Langar states determined, and then turns to Stephen. "What do you say, doctor?"

"Sounds like a plan," Stephen admits, "but..."

I lose confidence hearing that one word and wait for the inevitable to come... A negative answer to my request.

"I can't let you go on your own, Marcus and I need to discuss this with Delenn first."

"I understand that," I quickly whisper, once more hopeful that I can leave the station again. "Please try?"

"I will," Stephen promises resolved.

In dark places part 31

Susan

Desperate for my mind to start waking up I gulp down the black coffee I made moments earlier. I've felt like a mess since Stephen told me Marcus is alive. Cole yesterday returned to the station and Stephen asked to keep everything low profile. Only Garibaldi was allowed in to docking bay to look after security matters. They don't know I accessed the security cams to oversee Marcus' arrival.

Marcus looked way worse than I expected. He couldn't even walk on his own and his eyes... they were empty. They reminded me of my mother's and shivers ran down my spine. Marcus looked like he felt dead inside. The way he walked indicated that he couldn't place his feet flat on the floor and his hands looked twisted. My fingers shook as they pushed the button and at once the screen went black. What did they do to him? Marcus possessed a natural grace I always admired and it is completely gone now.

Staring at the black liquid I wipe away a tear that escapes my eyes and shake my head in disbelief. Marcus is a warrior and now they've clipped his wings.

Stephen promised to keep me updated, but I know Marcus has a long journey to recovery ahead of him. I can't describe the feeling that washes through me now that I know he's back on the station. When Delenn couldn't tell me where he was or if he was still alive I realized I was more then just concerned about a friend. I tried to fight the feelings coming to the surface all of a sudden, but they hit me unprepared.

Marcus has been stationed here for 2 years now and slowly he turned in to a friend and now I've got to face the fact that he has become the closest friend I've got. Together we accomplished several missions, but the thing I remember most about Marcus is his secret effort to make me laugh whenever I'm feeling down.

Yes, I can talk to John about subjects I'd never dare touch with Marcus, but... whenever he's around I feel comfortable, and then... I start pushing him away. I don't want to be this comfortable around him. I let it happen too many times and ended up hurt; discovering people were lying to me or even worse, manipulating me.

I promised myself to never go through the pain again. Then Marcus disappeared and I'm completely surprised to discover the way I feel about him. Garibaldi said Marcus was missing in action. Delenn couldn't give me any information, and I slowly convinced myself he had died on me too. I could tell Delenn found it odd, the number of times I asked about Marcus, but I reached the point where I no longer cared about what others might think of me. I wanted my questions answered.

And then Stephen tells me Marcus is back, badly injured but alive. He contacted me while I was on duty in C&C and I remember hearing his voice. All I wanted was to show my relief. To thank whatever God who was responsible for keeping him alive and tell Stephen that I felt grateful for this chance, but I couldn't. My entire crew was watching me the moment I received that call. I didn't dare to show any emotions.

When Stephen caught up with me on my way back to my quarters I was struggling to remain composed and I desperately raised my walls to keep him out. But Stephen has never been one to accept defeat and succeeded in making me open up to him. I felt incredibly relieved after I told him how worried I had been for Marcus.

Stephen was right when he assumed his message had hit me hard in C&C. Marcus had returned from the dead and I didn't know what to say or how to react to this news. Now, as I sit in my quarters watching ISN-broadcasts, I still feel numb.

I've got to attend a meeting in a moment and Marcus is one of the things we need to discuss. Stephen hinted that Marcus doesn't want to stay onboard and wishes to return to Minbar. Delenn looked upset when she heard that and I can only guess at what is really going on. The nature of his injuries indicate he was tortured but by whom and why? Delenn told me she sent Marcus on a mission, but revealed nothing more.

Still puzzled I get up and put on my uniform jacket. I should braid my hair, but notice I'm running out of time so I shrug it off and step in to the corridor.

Why the hell is it that I suddenly feel this concerned for Marcus? I still see his eyes, empty, blank, lifeless and wish I could help him, but this is a medical issue. Stephen will make the necessary calls this time.

"Susan!"

Immediately I recognize Stephen's voice and I turn around. We're standing in front of the war room and I'm about to step inside as Stephen gestures me to wait and talk to him. Suddenly I realize I'm trembling, but holding on to my composure I nod my head and wait for him to start the conversation.

"I talked to Marcus last night," he starts.

Concern shines from his eyes and my throat is so tight that it feels like a hand clamping it shut. "And?" I question; not sure I want to hear this.

"Marcus condition is far worse than I expected and he wants to leave the station."

"To go where?" I don't like the tone of Stephen's voice, which tells me Marcus' condition must have shocked him.

"Minbar. Marcus wants off the station ASAP."

"Why?" This doesn't make any sense to me. "I thought he would want to be here, among friends." Stephen's pleased smirk at hearing that comment urges me to be careful with my words.

"Friends... the mere thought of being among the people who know and care for him scares him gutless," Stephen says in an odd tone.

"I don't get it," I mumble, but John gestures us inside and our conversation abruptly ends. I can't stop thinking about Stephen's comment though. Why is Marcus afraid of his friends?

John asks us to take a seat and by looking at his eyes I can tell he's equally worried. Delenn, who's sitting to his right, looks tired and in need of sleep. One stranger is attending the meeting and I'm curious to find out this Minbari's identity.

"This is Langar," Stephen says, introducing the healer. "He treated Marcus' injuries after he was rescued."

John nods his head. "So how bad is Marcus really?" the Captain wants to know.

He's asking the question I didn't get any answer to and I know Stephen won't tell us the entire truth to protect his patient's privacy and I respect him for it. Wouldn't want people to know the truth if something traumatizing had happened to me!

"Bad. Physically he needs weeks, maybe even months to recover. His broken limbs have healed, but need to be broken again in order to correct the old fractures." Stephen exchanges a look with Langar before continuing. The Minbari gives him a nod of approval. "Then there's his present emotional state to worry about. He's a mess."

I avert my eyes and stare at the table, wondering what happened to Marcus and my lips almost form that question, but I hold my tongue just in time. Garibaldi however doesn't.

"I take it he was tortured then?"

Stephen seems slightly uncomfortable hearing that question. "Yes, they did everything to break his spirit."

"And they succeeded," Langar adds in a saddened tone.

Delenn's expression darkens and I cock my head to study her better. I've never seen that particular look on her face. It almost looks like guilt.

"He was rescued by a Minbari warrior named Neroon," Delenn says hesitantly.

I sense her unease and am surprised she'd show it this openly. There is more going on than they're telling us and that pisses me off! I want the truth!

"Hold on," John interjects. "Isn't that the one who tried to kill you?" he says, looking Delenn in the eyes.

"Yes," she confirms. "But he changed greatly after that and it was he who urged Marcus to work towards recovery."

Langar takes over and I'm beginning to feel confused, there are so many hidden messages here...

"Neroon and Marcus grew attached to each other, but Neroon died unexpectedly 3 days ago and Marcus watched him die."

"Oh no," I whisper and truly don't care what others might think of my reaction. Oddly enough they don't seem to notice and I realize the situation is dead serious.

"He died saving my life," Delenn adds in a muffled tone.

I understand now why she looks depressed, but my concern is for Marcus. I don't dare to speak up though, unwilling to reveal that to the rest.

"He expressed the wish to return to Minbar and to stay at Yedor." Langar's voice is steady and determined. "I support that decision."

"So do I," Stephen adds and both men look at Delenn. "He hates being here, Delenn. He can't face us yet. We need to give him time and opportunity to heal."

"I will respect his wish," Delenn whispers in a soft tone.

Stephen sighs relieved. "This is the right thing to do, Delenn. Marcus has to say good-bye to Neroon and by taking him here..."

I understand what Stephen's talking about and I completely agree. But the thought of Marcus leaving the station is slowly getting to me. I'll lose him a second time, but... maybe he'll return soon! I hold on to that thought for comfort.

"But he can't do this on his own," Stephen suddenly states. "Marcus needs someone to support him =all= the way."

Langar agrees and adds, "It will be hard on Marcus to trust another person after losing Neroon, but he needs to know one person will back him up all the way. Neroon was willing to do that and Marcus quickly realized that truth."

The look Stephen gives me says more than words. He wants to me to accompany Marcus! No, way! I'm not going to get involved with someone only to lose him in the end! I can't do it! I keep seeing Marcus' blank eyes and remember my mother taking her life. What if Marcus is going to do the same thing? I can't handle that pain for a second time!

I slowly shake my head. No, I won't do it! Stephen gets the message and I'm momentarily stunned seeing the disbelief and disappointment in his eyes, but that isn't going to change my opinion. I can't get involved with someone who's on the brink of committing suicide. I've been through that once and I doubt I can survive living through that hell again. I've got to protect myself!

"Any suggestions?" John asks concerned.

His eyes scan our faces in turn and I stare hard back at him as he probes my eyes. No, I tell him, back off. John shoots me a saddened look and then addresses Stephen.

"What about Langar?" John proposes.

Stephen shakes his head at once. "Marcus needs one of us to stay with him. Foremost he has to forgive himself for what happened. He can only do that if he knows we support him."

The room remains awfully quiet and I know Stephen is waiting for me to give in, but dammit I won't!

"I will stay with him," Lennier suddenly says.

Upset, Delenn looks at her aide. "You?"

"Marcus needs support and we live to serve," Lennier replies in a resolved tone.

"No," Stephen says determined. "Lennier, I truly appreciate your offer, but... your place is at Delenn's side and we all know that. I will make sure Marcus' knows of your offer."

Lennier nods his head and is obviously disappointed. Stephen locks eyes with me again and I immediately focus on the wall. I won't do it! I can't deal with another death! Please understand that, Stephen! I plead mentally.

"I'll go to Minbar and help him recover," Stephen says in a resolute tone.

Relieved, I establish eye contact again, but flinch inwardly seeing the disappointment on his face.

"Are you sure? Medlab needs you," John objects, but his statement lacks true conviction.

"Lillian Hobbes can take over. She's fully qualified to replace me," Stephen sighs.

John considers the situation and then says, "Fine, you've got leave of absence, but keep in touch!"

"I will," Stephen promises.

"Susan? Wait for me!"

Damn! I tried leaving as quickly as possible, but Stephen expected that move. "What?" I snap nervously. I know what he wants from me. Stephen wants me to change my mind, but I can't do that. No one can ever understand what I've been through.

"Are you sure you don't want to go in my place?" Stephen says and watches the others leave one by one.

"I'm sure!" I state and want to step in to the elevator as he pulls me back

"Marcus needs you, Susan you know that!" His tone changed and is now urgent.

"You'll do a much better job than I ever could. I'm no nurse or doctor," I point out to him and fight to stay composed. Stephen is too close to tear down my walls.

"But he loves you, dammit!"

Stephen's admission doesn't come as a surprise. "I know that," I admit slowly.

"You know?" Stephen exclaims and raises an eyebrow. "In that case I really don't understand you."

"I've known since I returned those roses to him," I confess and realize I need to get out of here before I bare my soul in front of him. "I hope you can help him." I step in to the elevator and tell it to take me to C&C.

"Susan, you're making a mistake," Stephen says in a chiding tone.

"I made so many already. What's one more?" I state shaken and finally the elevator door closes. Leaning back against the wall I bang my first in to it. I can't believe I said that! I grow angry with myself and realize I'm going to face a number of sleepless nights in which my words will haunt me.

In dark places part 32

Marcus

"Pack your bags, Marcus. We leave in one hour," Stephen says entering the exam room.

I open my eyes, wondering what he's talking about. "What?" I stutter. I was dozing, feeling too alert to fall asleep but too drained to keep my eyes open. Slowly I turn on to my right side to get a better look at Stephen. During this last hour I resigned myself to staying in medlab and became

listless.

"Delenn agreed. You're going to Yedor."

"Are you serious?" I ask confused. I never expected Delenn to give in. Stephen is checking the one IV he hooked me up to hours ago and gives me a wink.

"Langar and I combined forces and she didn't stand a chance!" Stephen replies victoriously.

"Thank you, Stephen," I whisper from the bottom of my heart. Knowing that I'm going to leave within the hour offers me a mental tranquillity I've haven't felt since coming onboard. I push my body deeper in to the comfort of the mattress and follow Stephen with my eyes as he makes an entry in my medical file. Speechless, I wonder what to say.

"Want to pick up your personal stuff before we leave?" Stephen inquires with a radiant smile.

"We?" I suddenly question, assuming he's going to see me off.

"Yes, the Captain approved of my leave of absence. I'm going to accompany you to Minbar, Marcus."

This admission stuns me. "Why?" Why would he want to do that?

"You still need medical supervision," Stephen says, grins smugly and leans in closer, "And I know your tricks to get out of bed. Langar doesn't."

His answer completely surprises me and I smile weakly. Stephen is obviously making an effort to make me feel comfortable. I fumble one end of the blanket and suddenly realize I'm still wearing Neroon's clothes. They stripped me of the robes I was wearing when I left the Ingata. That entire

trip has turned in to one black hole in my mind. I've absolutely no recollection of those days.

"Marcus?" Stephen asks concerned.

I shake my head to drive away the fog and manage to sit up in bed. "Are you going to cut me loose of that drip then?"

"Yes," Stephen whispers and takes care of the IV. He then pulls up a chair and sits down.

His stare is making me uncomfortable. "Say it," I whisper, not sure why he's watching me.

"I talked to Susan."

His words explode like a bombshell and I swallow hard. If Neroon hadn't told me to act on my feelings I would block every bit of news about her. "She must be glad to be rid of me," I sneer, the anger of that remark aimed at myself.

"No, she isn't," Stephen replies and raises his hand.

A moment later he places his fingers on mine and I tremble feeling his touch. I can't shake him off though, as I don't want to hurt his feelings. Stephen is doing his best to reach out to me and I appreciate the effort he's making.

"She was very disturbed to learn you want to leave the station."

Curious I look up and search his eyes. "Why?" I wonder surprised.

"She thought you would have liked to recover with the help of your friends," Stephen explains in a compassionate tone.

"You know why I can't stay," I berate him; suddenly afraid I'm not leaving the station at all. What if this is a ploy to get me to stay?

"I know, Marcus," Stephen confirms. "The Ingata is going to take us to Minbar."

"The Ingata? I thought the war cruiser..." Confused I try finishing my remark. "That they'd left..."

"Langar, Dalmar and Vallo are still here. Dalmar is standing guard in front of your door, although I've got no idea why." Stephen smiles and adds, "And Vallo... is strolling through the Zocalo in search of books."

I can't help but smile, remembering he got me ' The Mists of Avalon' as well. "Dalmar is still here?" I ask softly. I assumed he'd stay onboard the Ingata and take her back to Minbar.

"Yes, he mentioned some stipulation in Neroon's will that makes him your aide?" Stephen says questioningly.

I cringe hearing Neroon's name. The loss suddenly seems too much to bear and I tell myself to hang in there and not to give up! Neroon would push me further towards recovery and I can't shame him. "I never read his will," I admit in a guilty tone. "Neroon changed it the night before he died."

"Then maybe it's time you read it," Stephen suggests and gets to his feet. "You still didn't answer my question."

"What question?" I ask thoroughly confused. Lately, my memory is showing gaps and I can't remember what Stephen asked me.

"Want to go and pick up your stuff before leaving?" Stephen repeats patiently.

"I don't want to leave this room," I state determined. I can't stand the thought of running in to someone I know.

"Come on, Marcus. You'll have to leave this room anyway to go aboard the Ingata. We'll just make a short stop."

Stephen sounds awfully convincingly and I start to doubt my earlier decision. Right now he sounds like Neroon when he coaxed me in to accompany him to the command center. "You believe I can do this," I realize with a start and say the words aloud without intending to do so. Neroon also

believed in me and his confidence empowered me.

"I =know= you can do it," Stephen states determined.

As he helps me to my feet I realize I still need support. "Stephen, have you seen my pike?"

"Dalmar has it," Stephen quips, "for safekeeping. Don't want you driving me mad."

I grin sheepishly, sensing Stephen's determination to help me work through this. "Why don't you call him inside? I need my pike." Stephen complies and as Dalmar enters I immediately notice the warrior's relieved glance. Feeling awkward I don't know how to address him.

"Marcus," Dalmar starts, "you might need this," and extends his hand.

I gingerly walk towards him and sigh seeing the pike in his hand. "This is all I've got to remind me of him," I stutter embarrassed, completely forgetting about Neroon's necklace and don't notice Stephen's smile. I open the pike and grip it tightly with my right hand. My fingers ache as I force

them around the metal, but the ache is bearable.

"The Ingata is ready for departure," Dalmar says in a proud tone. "It will take us two days to reach Minbar. I've already contacted Yedor."

I nod my head as my throat chokes up. Yedor, I'm going to stay at Neroon's home and I wonder whether I'll be welcome. There's something else I should address first though and hesitantly I ask, "Why did Neroon name you my aide?" Puzzled, I try finding a reason why Neroon would force Dalmar to stay with me.

Slightly uncomfortable Dalmar shuffles his feet. "I'm here to guard you against a possible enemy and..."

I swallow hard, wondering whether he'll ask me to relieve him from his duty. Serving a human must feel degrading to him. Neroon made a mistake in binding his second in command to me.

"I'm honored to serve as your aide," Dalmar finally says and nods his head.

Unable to speak I stare at Stephen. What am I supposed to reply to that?

"We should be going now," Stephen says, sensing something odd is going on. "Dalmar, we're going to stop at Marcus' quarters first to get his personal stuff."

"Vallo is already waiting for us in the shuttle bay," Dalmar states and takes a step aside. "I will accompany you of course, Marcus."

Tired, I slowly walk out of the room. Stephen is at my right side and Dalmar stays one step behind us. I feel safe and protected and realize Dalmar would die defending me. The thing that eludes me is why. Why consent to Neroon's wish? I keep my eyes fixed on the floor and feel relieved that the corridors seem empty. Using the support of my pike I manage to stay in pace with

Stephen. I suddenly realize where we are. It's only a short walk to my quarters.

"You feel way more comfortable since I told you we're leaving the station," Stephen says unexpectedly.

Embarrassed, I nod my head. "I don't want to stay here."

We reach my quarters and I try punching in my access code, but I keep hitting the wrong buttons. "Stephen?" I say, feeling shy.

"What's the code?"

I tell him and the door opens a moment later. Dalmar stays in the corridor after checking my quarters. I feel like stepping in to the past, seeing the mess I left behind, leaving the station in a hurry. "This is so weird," I tell Stephen. "This is how I left everything behind." I walk across the room to collect my comb and brush. I'm glad I agreed to come here. "There are things I would like to take along."

Stephen has found my duffel and is now checking on my sparse wardrobe. "Yes, pack some sweats," I suggest and step in to the small bathroom. Looking in to the mirror I release a soft sigh. I look like Stephen raised me from the dead, way too pale and skinny. I'll have to put on some weight if I ever want to regain my former shape, but as I stare at my hands I know I'm only kidding myself. Pike fighting is no longer an option. I'm not even sure there's a reason to have my ankle and hands corrected.

"Marcus, anything else you might need?" Stephen says as he joins me in the bathroom.

Something in my eyes gives me away and he places a hand reassuringly on my shoulder. I cherish his concern and feel special because he cares for me. "No, I don't think so," I remark, peeking at the content of my duffel. Searching my room for things Stephen might have overlooked I add one more item to the duffel, a crystal. Stephen doesn't need to know I once paid an officer to record a party at Airheart's. Not to mention the entire crystal is filled with images of Susan. Would Neroon have liked her? I suspect he would. But I shake off that thought as it no longer matters. Susan is out of my reach.

"Stephen," I start curious, "why are you coming along to Minbar?" I've been wondering about this ever since he told me.

"Lennier offered to go with you first," Stephen admits as the door opens. "But he would never survive being away from Delenn for a longer period of time."

I notice his sly grin and wonder how many people have seen through Lennier's pretence. It's so obvious he loves Delenn! But... "Does that mean you asked for volunteers to...?" I stare at Dalmar who gestures me to start walking to the shuttle bay.

"I was hoping Susan would go in my place," Stephen confesses in a sincere tone, filled with silent regret.

His words hit me like a PPG blast. "Susan didn't want to...?" I can't finish the sentence. "She must really dislike me then," I whisper self-absorbed, forgetting I'm not alone. "But why would she agree? She doesn't even like me and after... no, of course she wouldn't."

"Marcus, stop putting yourself down," Stephen says softly. "It's not you. It's her past."

I hardly hear his words as I tell myself to forget about Susan.

In dark places part 33A

Marcus

While making our to the shuttle bay the number of people we meet in the corridors increase. I regret ever leaving medlab in the first place. Soft footfalls make me turn around frantically and I imagine they're whispering behind my back. The confidence I earlier displayed now vanishes and I

maneuver myself in a position where I can hide behind Stephen's back. In the back of my mind I remember Shitaro's guards marching down the corridor to come and get me. I swallow nervously and almost stumble over my feet as the corridor changes in to the cell on Shitaro's cruiser. I'm losing my grip on reality and the worst thing is that I know it!

Stephen immediately reacts and stops me in my tracks. It's uncanny the way he knows when I need a reality check.

"How much longer," I pant softly, as Stephen's hand rests on my chest. Resolved I shake it off and lean against the wall. I know what's happening. On the Ingata I had several anxiety attacks when the pressure became excruciating. Bowing my head I start to regulate my breathing, but it

doesn't work without Neroon's coaching. In panic I fight for breath as in my mind Shitaro lunges at my waist.

Several Earthforce soldiers stop, seeing me huddled against the wall, but Dalmar quickly moves in and shields me from their curious eyes. Gulping for breath I look pleadingly at Stephen. "Get me out of here!" I beg in a cracked tone.

Voices grow louder and footfalls sound like blasts, pounding at my temples. I sink to my knees as my feet stop supporting me. Harsh voices close in on me and suddenly I register one in particular, which sends me spiraling down in to the past. "It's Shitaro," I whisper and Dalmar extends his pike.

"There is no Minbari in sight, Marcus," Stephen says in a soothing tone and sits on his heels. "Come on, let me help you back to your feet."

Concerned, he wraps an arm around my shoulder, but in my mind it's Shitaro reaching out for me, ready to drag me down the corridor. "Don't touch me!" I hiss and bite my lip until it bleeds.

Stephen and Dalmar exchange glances and it takes them a moment to decide on what action to take. All the while I sit kneeling on the floor, trying hard to visualize Neroon's face, his eyes. "Please make it stop," I whisper in despair, reaching out for Neroon's support. Then I remember he's dead and a keening wail leaves my lips.

"Marcus, listen to me, focus on my voice," Stephen says, obviously taken aback. "It’s just memories. Something here reminded you of the past."

His hands are rubbing my back and slowly I regain control of my emotions.

"They're just associations," Stephen says reassuringly. "You're safe, Marcus."

Slowly I draw in deep breaths. I never expected the memories to come crashing in like this. What triggered them? Peeking, I realize Dalmar almost cleared the corridor. One person stood her ground and refused to leave. Her big blue eyes stare at mine in apparent shock.

"No, not Susan," I whimper and claw at Stephen's clothes. "I can't face her."

Stephen also seems upset. "I didn't know she would be here," he says in a soft tone. "You've got to face her sooner or later, Marcus."

Slowly, Stephen pulls me to my feet and Dalmar closes his pike, but his gaze remains alert. I feel incredibly embarrassed; knowing Susan witnessed my temporary break down. Avoiding her eyes at all cost I lean heavily against the wall. Dalmar hands me my pike, which fell from my hands.

Susan straightens out her uniform and then starts approaching us. I wonder if there's way out, a corridor I can vanish in to, but Stephen has a tight hold on me. There's no way of escape and I raise my defenses. I managed to shut out people before and I convince myself I'm all alone. There's no one close and I start counting in my head, like I did when Neroon first tried making me open up. One, two, three...

"Marcus?" Stephen says concerned. "Marcus, what the hell are you doing?"

Four, five, six...

"Stephen, what's wrong with him?" Susan asks in a shaky tone.

"He's shutting us out because he's scared," Stephen realizes and turns me around. "Marcus, talk to me!"

Seven, eight, nine...

"Stephen, do something, this isn't healthy!" Susan exclaims in a startled tone.

It's her tone that forces me to return to reality. I don't want to scare her and I feel bad for showing my weakness in front of her. "I'm sorry," I apologize in an emotionless tone.

My shoulders slump forward as sudden blackness clouds my glance. I sway on my feet and only Stephen's tight hold prevents me from dropping on to the floor. "I'm dizzy," I whisper, uncertain anyone can hear me. Where the hell am I anyway? The Ingata? No... Babylon 5...

"Let's get you onboard the Ingata," Stephen says concerned. "Susan...?"

I can tell he's still trying to convince her to come along, but what Stephen doesn't understand is that Susan doesn't care about me and even if she did... her past is filled with disappointments and smashed relationships. She has given up and won't try again. I realized that right from the start. The first time I read her file everything fell in to place and I understood why she distanced herself from me. I settled for loving her from afar.

"No," Susan says in a chilling tone, "I've given you my answer already and am not about to change it!"

Her tone is icy cold, yet I notice the tremors rocking it. "Stephen, let's get out of here," I urge him on in a lucid moment. The last thing I want is to beg for her sympathy. I don't have much dignity left and I want to hold on to it. Now that I accepted her rejection I can look at her.

Her expression takes my breath away. She looks startled, her eyes are big and she's licking her lips in a nervous way. As she flips back her hair I catch the elegance of her movements and stare at my own hands. Way out of our your league, Cole, I berate myself.

I don't know why we're still standing here, but I'm getting nervous again and I don't want to suffer another anxiety attack in this corridor. "I want to start moving," I whisper and my cracked voice startles me. I need to sit down and get a grip on my emotions again.

"Yes, sure," Stephen whispers distraught.

"Want me to clear the shuttle bay for you?" Susan offers in a similar upset tone as Stephen's.

"That would be great," Stephen replies painfully polite.

This time I hear the sneer in his tone. Great, now Stephen is angry with Susan because of me. I need to get off the station as quickly as possible! I start walking, trying to pull Stephen along with me. Finally he gets the idea and supports me on our way through the corridor.

"Marcus?"

Susan's voice calls me back and I freeze in my tracks, wanting nothing more than being inside Neroon's quarters where I can pretend this encounter never happened. Her rejection, her refusal to help me stings deeply. "I don't know if I can do this, Stephen!" I say in a broken tone and Stephen nods, understanding my dilemma, but unable to interfere as she addressed me personally. "Yes?" I say without turning about.

"I hope you'll get better soon," she says in a tone almost too soft to hear.

"Will do my best," I reply confused. Why is she suddenly acting concerned? "Stephen, I'm going to collapse soon." And I'm serious. The dark swimming in front of my eyes is growing worse and I feel nauseous to a point where I fear the dry heaves will reappear.

"I've got you," Stephen says in a firm tone.

I allow him to pull me along, not even once looking back at Susan. I need to get out of here. This place is suffocating me!

In dark places part 33B

Susan

I quickly place a call to Stationhouse to order the shuttle bay cleared and thankfully Garibaldi doesn't ask any questions after he learns it's about Marcus. Hell, my knees are about to give out on me and I follow Marcus' example and lean against the wall for support. I can't believe I acted like

such a bitch!

I never realized Marcus was that bad and... did Stephen tell him I refused to accompany him to Minbar? I've seldom felt this depressed and angry with myself. The hurt look in Marcus' eyes is impossible to forget and keeps taunting me. He needs my help and I turned my back on him!

Dammit, Stephen is right. I can help Marcus. Help him in ways Stephen can't, but... I'm too scared to take that step and admit it. I've got to protect myself from getting hurt again! But Marcus' eyes... The pain in them makes me sad. I've seen that expression before, only days before Sophie took her life. I can't live through that again. Yes, I made the right decision. Marcus will recover because he has Stephen to support and guide him.

As the small group leaves the corridor I feel saddened and ashamed for not having the guts to accept Stephen's offer. I should be the one accompanying Marcus to Minbar! What makes things even more painful is that I know Marcus would support me in a heartbeat and never ask anything in return.

"Damn!" I curse aloud the moment they've disappeared from view. "Marcus never deserved this! Why is life so fucking unfair!" But I don't get an answer and the officer who turns around the corner avoids making eye contact and vanishes quickly.

I wish I could go to C&C and forget my worries, but my shift just ended and I'm off duty tomorrow. "Perfect timing," I sneer at myself. Looking about, I realize I need to get out of the corridor, but where to go? My quarters? Not likely. I might be tempted to open that vodka bottle that has been sitting in the kitchen cupboard for over a year now. I don't want to end up drunk.

The Zocalo? I'm not sure about that either. Crowds always make me feel uncomfortable, but there might be a nice secluded spot in the back of a bar. While making up my mind I start walking towards the elevator, hoping it will be empty. I don't want to run in to a familiar face, as I'm not in the mood to pretend I'm fine. I did that for far too long and it has worn me down. How much longer until I reach my break point?

"Damn!" I curse as the elevator doors open. Garibaldi's smug face grins back at me. "My timing is getting better all the time!" I whisper embittered and wonder what excuse will justify turning around to leave.

"Susan? Where are you headed?" Garibaldi asks curiously.

Usually I would reply with a nasty remark, but I can't think up one right now. "A bar in Down Below."

Garibaldi raises an eyebrow. "You? Why would you want to do that?"

"I need a drink," I state annoyed. Why did he have to be inside that elevator?

"Let me guess... you ran in to Marcus and didn't like what you saw?"

Michael gestures me to step inside and I feel trapped. I should have known he would pick up on it. He might even know me better than John, I realize, remembering him not telling on me when I used Gold Channel to talk to my father when he was dying. I can trust Michael...

"Yes," I reply eventually. "Looked like he was reliving some nasty memories when I bumped in to him. It's a good thing Stephen is going to stay with him on Minbar. Marcus needs medical supervision."

Garibaldi tells the elevator to take us to Down Below. "Stephen was kind of hoping you would do that," Michael says in a soft tone.

Inwardly I cringe. Is it that obvious? "Do you think I should have gone instead of Stephen?" I ask as the elevator comes to a stop. Lost in thought I follow Michael as he leads me to a seedy bar, which still has a lot of empty places in the back. We sit down and I'm still waiting for his answer.

"Want me to tell you the truth?" he asks and gestures the waitress to come to the table. He doesn't bother to ask me what I want and simply orders caff. Well, I don't think drinking alcohol now is a good idea any way and don't object. A moment later the caff arrives and I take a sip from it. Nothing can beat the real coffee I keep hidden in my quarters.

"Now tell me what's bothering you," Michael says in a relaxed tone as he curls his fingers around the mug.

"Tell you what's bothering me?" I repeat in a surprised tone. Michael has been there for me when I needed him, but I never expected this move.

"Come on, Susan. I know you! I recognize that look in your eyes. We both looked like that when we found out about Talia's implanted personality."

He's right, dammit. That's a pain we share, Talia's betrayal. "You liked her," I state with certainty.

"Yes, but she wasn't interested in me... no matter how hard I tried ending up in the same elevator to talk to her," he says jokingly. "But Marcus is interested in you and no matter how much you want to deny it, you're interested in him as well. The poor devil," Michael chuckles, "Too bad

Marcus feels so intimidated by you or he might actually make a move!"

His frank tone takes me aback and tired of all the games I've been playing I say, "Intimidated? By me? You must be kidding me! I don't think Marcus scares that easily!" But he's got a point all right.

"Okay, intimidated might not be the right word, but you know what the fear of rejection can do to a person!" Garibaldi says in a slightly berating tone and tells the waitress he wants a refill.

I haven't touched my coffee since he brought up Marcus. Suddenly, everything falls in to place. "Fear of rejection..." Marcus might know about my personal history. Being a ranger he might have found a way to access it. Perhaps he concluded he didn't have a chance to begin with and I have to ask myself, what if he hadn't returned injured from this mission? Would I have realized how concerned I am for him?

"A friend once told me that it's better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all," Garibaldi states, "and I agree."

"You surprise me," I admit, seeing a side to his personality that I never fully realized was there.

"Give yourself some time to think this over. Maybe Marcus being away isn't such a bad thing. You'll miss him and... maybe find the courage to make a few decisions. We only realize what we had once we lose it," he adds in a thoughtful tone.

"Thinking about Lise?" I whisper and empty my mug.

"Yes. You know there comes a point when you think that you can't screw things up worse than they already are and then... boom, reality hits you in the face again and you realize you fucked up again."

His words make my heart pound. That's what I told Stephen. "What's one more mistake?" I whisper aloud and shake my head.

"Susan?" Michael asks, as he didn't catch those last words.

"I'm starting to realize something," I admit and get to my feet. "I've got a lot of thinking to do," I say and take some steps away from the table. "Thanks for listening."

"No problem," Michael says pleased.

Walking towards the elevator I sigh. I wasn't lying to Garibaldi. I need to think a lot of things over and one of them is Marcus... Can I try one more time and make this relationship work knowing what he's been through? The answer to that question can change my life =if= I'm brave enough to face the truth.

In dark places part 34

Franklin

I keep a close eye on Marcus as we board the shuttle. I've never before been onboard a Minbari war cruiser and feel slightly worried, but knowing Langar has already taken care of our quarters I relax a little. Vallo and Dalmar pilot the shuttle and obvious concern shines from their eyes. I must admit Marcus' break down earlier has shaken me as well. I didn't expect it, but it serves to remind me that Marcus still has a long road to recovery ahead of him.

Observing my friend and patient I realize his eyes have closed, but he isn't asleep yet. I'm rather relieved to learn that he didn't have any nightmares when he was asleep earlier. "How do you feel now, Marcus? Better?" I inquire concerned.

"Yes," Marcus whispers softly and opens one eye to peek.

"Want to talk about what happened before we left?" I probe gently. The last thing I want is to pressure him in to answering my questions. Only Marcus can decide when he's ready to tell me about his fears.

"Not really," he replies fatigued. "I don't want to think about it." Marcus crosses his arms in front of his chest and takes a few deep breaths.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I might be a doctor, but certainly no psychologist. I've got to rely on my instincts. "How long before we reach the ship?" I ask, trying to distract Marcus from worrying about his anxiety attack.

"Only a few minutes," he replies. "I'm not sure though where we'll be staying onboard the Ingata."

His voice sounds melancholy and I realize I'll have to do my best to reassure him that he can confide in me. "Where did you stay before?"

"Neroon's quarters, but I doubt they'll let us stay there now that Neroon is... gone."

That last word carries great sorrow and I can't help but reassuringly squeeze his left hand. Marcus reluctantly allows it. "When do you want to get your hands fixed?" I want to know. I can correct the bone structure within the hour, if he'll let me. Langar told me there are medical

facilities on the Ingata and at Neroon's home in Yedor.

"I don't know," Marcus whispers, "What's the point? There's no way I can ever wield a pike again."

"That's not true," I berate him. "You can't give up Marcus. You never have in the past." I want to encourage him so badly, but know that the real change needs to take place within his mind. Suddenly I think about the things Langar that told me about Neroon and Marcus. "Neroon wouldn't want you to give up, now would he?"

Marcus smiles weakly. "No, Neroon would never allow that."

The tone of his voice has changed and I'm determined to press him a little further. "What kind of man was Neroon? I never met him." Marcus remains quiet for a moment as he gathers his thoughts. This must be hard on him. If only Delenn hadn't taken him to the station! "You never got a chance to say good-bye to him, did you?" Marcus shoots me an odd look that I can't describe. It's like... pain and relief mixed in to one.

"I dreamt of him," Marcus starts hesitantly and averts his eyes.

"When?" I want him to talk about this recent loss. While keeping one eye on the two Minbari I register the outline of the war cruiser on screen. It's quite an impressive vessel!

"When you fed me the sleeping meds onboard the station. I..." Marcus pauses, looks up and wipes a tear from his face. "He seemed so bloody real! In my dream I could touch him and he answered my questions... I never experienced a dream that real!"

Marcus looks pleadingly at me and I know which question burns his lips. "It's okay, Marcus," I reassure him. "You've found a way to start dealing with his death. There are many ways to cope with the loss of a loved one. You're not ready yet to let him go." I nod my head, as I finally understand why Marcus was free of nightmares. "It's a comforting thought to know he's still there for you in your dreams, isn't it?"

"I was scared you'd think I'd gone mad," Marcus whispers relieved. "I honestly thought I had lost all sense of reality."

"Don't be so hard on yourself," I reply and smile as Marcus squeezes my hand in return. His dreams must have worried him.

"We are going to dock the shuttle," Vallo says in a calm tone.

But his eyes are dark and I wonder what these two Minbari think of Marcus. Do they really care for him or are they only acting in this way because their sense of honor compels them to do so? I shake off those thoughts and concentrate on Marcus who managed to get to his feet on his own. "Are you okay?" I ask concerned, seeing the haunted expression in his eyes.

"No," he mumbles in a barely audible tone as we leave the shuttle.

Vallo and Dalmar are walking in front of us and Marcus bows his head, trying to avoid curious looks the crewmembers shoot him. "Why not?" I ask, staying at Marcus' side and I carefully wrap an arm around his waist as he stumbles.

"I expect to see Neroon around every corner," he replies in a muffled tone.

"I understand," I assure him and follow the two Minbari in to another corridor. We encounter several Minbari warriors and it strikes me as odd that they don't stare at us. "Why are they looking at the floor?" I ask Marcus, feeling uncomfortable as they avoid making eye contact.

Marcus eyes me confused and then peeks at the warriors leaving the corridor.

"I don't know," he stutters. "Maybe you should ask Dalmar or Vallo."

I shrug it off and study Marcus' features. "You look tired."

"I feel tired," Marcus admits and sighs. "I wish I could lay down and get some sleep."

"Only a few more moments," Dalmar says unexpectedly. "We're only feet away from your quarters."

That remark arouses Marcus' attention and he looks up to get his bearings. The color drains from his face as he realizes where he is.

"But... this is where Neroon has... had his quarters," he states in a shaky tone.

"Yes," Dalmar confirms and opens the door. "And they are yours now."

Dalmar gestures us to step inside, but I leave it up to Marcus whether he wants to accept that invitation or not.

"I can't... " he whispers and trembles looking inside. "These are Neroon's rooms, not mine. It isn't proper to..."

Marcus' voice falters and Dalmar cocks his head and says, "Alit Neroon declared you his mate and by Minbari law you're entitled to use them."

Surprised, I raise an eyebrow. "You didn't mention that little detail to me," I chide Marcus kindly.

"I... still don't feel like I deserve that honor." Marcus stares at the floor and remains motionless.

I can only guess at his thoughts, but his statement reveals his true emotions. "Come on, Marcus. I'm sure Neroon would want you to stay here." My heart goes out to him, seeing him distraught like this. "He loved you, didn't he?" I mimic Dalmar's technique; knowing Marcus has to admit the truth to himself first. I carefully pull him inside as Marcus doesn't resist and I smile seeing the bed in the corner of the room. "I want the bed," I say jokingly. "=You= can sleep on a Minbari platform. I'd only fall off all the time and you don't want a cranky doc!"

I feel relieved as Marcus smiles. "You like being here. Admit it," I say teasingly as Marcus sits down on the sofa. He seems comfortable here and rests his head against the pillows. "I take it you don't have caff up here?"

"Caff?" Marcus repeats and opens his eyes. "No, but I do know Neroon keeps... kept teabags in the kitchen."

Dalmar and Vallo excuse themselves and suddenly I'm alone with Marcus. "Want me to prepare tea?"

"I'd like that," Marcus admits and gestures to the kitchen. "Want me to help you?"

"Just tell me where I can find the tea," I say and walk in to the kitchen area. Everything seems properly organized and I quickly figure out how to boil water. Marcus suddenly stands behind me and I look up, as I didn't hear him approach.

"Open that cupboard," he says.

I open it and find the teabags. "Why don't you sit down again? I'll take the tea with me?" I suggest. Marcus' eyes are swimming. "This is hard on you," I speak my thoughts aloud. "It's okay to acknowledge that."

Marcus nods his head once and curls his fingers around the kitchen counter. "I last saw Neroon in here. We had just had dinner, which he had cooked himself, and I dreaded his departure. Neroon assured me he would be back within hours, but I knew something was wrong. My hands were tied though, as I couldn't stop him from going to Varanni. The civil war had to be stopped."

I guide Marcus back to the couch and sit him down. "Langar told me you watched him die?"

"Yes, he was blasted to pieces," Marcus says shaken. "I still can't believe it happened. I feel like he will walk inside at any given moment."

I'm pleased Marcus is talking about Neroon. I had feared it would take a lot of convincing to address the Minbari. But Marcus needs to talk about him and I gladly listen. "Are you mad at him for leaving you like he did?"

"In the beginning... yes." Marcus smiles weakly. "But not any longer."

"What changed?"

"I talked to him in that dream and he explained to me why he did it."

Marcus stops talking and I use that moment to get the tea. Handing him the mug he sips from it. "When you now think of him, what do you feel?" I ask in a soft tone, intent to keep him talking and not shattering the sense of trust, which is forming between us. If we hadn't been friends to start with, it would have proven nearly impossible to get through to him.

"Feel?" Marcus says and thinks it over. "I feel alone, incomplete without him."

"What about anger?" I inquire, as his answer surprises me.

"Anger?" Marcus shakes his head. "No, not aimed at Neroon. Had I been in his place I would have interfered as well. No way I could let Delenn die. We are... were very much alike. I guess that's why I trusted him."

As he's talking Marcus started to relax and half closed his eyes. The cup is slipping from his fingers and I quickly place it on the table. "I wish I had known him," I admit sincerely.

"You would have liked him," Marcus says and grins. "Neroon had a great sense of humor."

Looking about I realize we'll be sending the next two days cooped up in here. "I'll take the couch," I state and watch his eyes. The gloomy veil is gone and they shine confidently. "You need to talk about Neroon and his death."

"I know," Marcus states and slowly pulls his knees to his chest. "I appreciate you listening to me rave."

"You don't rave," I say teasingly. "But... " I pause and change the subject. "I do want you to think about having those hands corrected. Neroon would want you to be able to use them in a normal way." Nodding my head I realize I'm holding a trump. Marcus will want to honor Neroon's memory and thus do his best to recover.

"Why?" Marcus asks in a lost tone. "I don't think I can ever again wield a pike."

The silence which follows tell me Marcus wanted to add something to that statement, but then reconsidered. "But what?"

"Neroon promised to help me get back in to shape," Marcus says depressed. "Now that he's gone..."

"I'm sure Dalmar is a great sparring partner as well." I hand him the tea and this time Marcus empties it.

"I'm glad you're here," Marcus confesses in an emotional tone.

His smile is hesitant and his eyes only meet mine reluctantly. "We're friends, Marcus and I'm glad you're letting me in." Marcus closes his eyes and his grip on my hand loosens. "I'll ask Dalmar

whether he can get us something to eat," I inform him. Getting to my feet I realize Marcus feels safe here. "Why not rest in bed?"

"I feel comfortable here," Marcus reveals. "Neroon used to read to me here on the sofa."

I notice the book underneath his fingertips. "He got you real books?"

"After I told him I liked to read, yes," Marcus says while his fingers caress the cover of the book. "His smell still lingers in here. His things are still here."

"Take your time dealing with this," I advise him and I'm relieved I insisted Marcus had to go to Minbar. The tension he displayed while on Babylon 5 is gone now.

"I'll need a lot of time to say good-bye to Neroon," Marcus whispers in a choked tone.

In dark places part 35

Marcus

I peek at Stephen's face after lying down on the bed. At my request he only dimmed the lights in the quarters. I still don't feel comfortable in the dark, even here, where I know I'm safe.

Rather unexpectedly Dalmar served us dinner two hours ago and Stephen encouraged me to read after we finished the meal. I managed to read a few pages, but my thoughts kept drifting off to Neroon. He had such a great voice and I loved to listen to him read for me.

"Is there anything you need or want me to do before going to sleep?" Stephen asks as he's placing blankets and pillows on the sofa.

"No, thanks. I'm fine," I assure him. It's the truth. Being here feels familiar and I automatically lowered my walls, associating Neroon's quarters with pleasurable feelings. "But I'm not tired. I've been sleeping too much lately!" I object weakly.

"Try anyway!" Stephen says as he stretches his body on the couch.

I close my eyes and smile. I never expected Stephen to stay at my side. He knows what I've been through and yet... Neroon would have liked him.

"Thinking about Neroon?" Stephen inquires as sleep eludes him too.

"Yes," I admit, remembering how he used to pull me close in sleep. I miss snuggling up to him. Feeling lonely I turn on to my side so I can get a better view of Stephen's face. "Have you ever been madly in love?" I ask hesitantly.

"Madly?" Stephen repeats amused and sits upright, resting his back against the pillow. "Let me think that one over... no, not madly!" he adds in a teasing tone. "Have you?"

"I don't know," I start, "Neroon however was. He told me that he was =madly= in love with me. Can you imagine that? A year ago he cracked three of my ribs!" I can't help chuckling at that memory. "Neroon also admitted he started to feel attracted to me after that fight. We wasted a year," I continue, suddenly feeling depressed. "That's my biggest regret," I say shaken. "That we only spent so little time together."

Stephen nods his understanding. "I know that feeling."

A sad expression clouds his eyes and I know he went through something similar himself. "I'm sorry," I say honestly.

"You know, Marcus," Stephen says and looks at the ceiling. "There's someone else who's interested in you... romantically."

Hearing that statement I stare at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Susan."

I laugh embittered, wondering what he's thinking. "Susan isn't interested in me! I told you that before!"

"That isn't true," Stephen replies in a berating tone. "We both know she was hurt in previous relationships and lost the ability to trust, but..." he says with a sly grin, "I wouldn't be surprised should she show up in Yedor shortly."

"Stephen," I say fatigued, "stop talking about her."

Stephen shrugs his shoulders, apparently giving in, but I know better. He's only waiting for the right opportunity to bring Susan up again. "Seriously, let it rest."

"If it upsets you this much, I will," Stephen says and shifts on the couch until he's comfortable. "Get some sleep."

I grow silent, listening to his breathing. Knowing he's near relaxes me. Drawing in a deep breath I filter out Neroon's scent. He's still here, his presence still guarding me. Maybe I'll dream of him again, although I doubt I'll be that lucky. He sounded very final in that last dream.

As I study Stephen's breathing I realize he's fallen asleep and I let go of the restraint I've been holding on to. Saddened I remember Neroon's voice, that velvet like, hypnotic voice and slowly it lures me in to sleep.

"Where am I?" I whisper and scan these alien surroundings. I'm standing in the center of a room that looks an awful lot like an office. It's filled with scrolls, crystals and ancient looking maps. There are large windows, but they lack glass. The wind pushes a gentle breeze in to the room and the sun is about to set. The wooden bookcases definitely look expensive. I've never been here before and puzzled I turn around to take in the rest of the room. Soft harp like music is played in the background. This feels... familiar. Why?

"Marcus? What in Valen's name are you doing here?"

My heart misses a beat recognizing that voice. I'd hoped to find him in this dreamscape, but never expected to succeed. "Neroon?" I whisper relieved and discover him standing in one of the corners of the room, reading a scroll.

"I missed you!" I exclaim and head in his direction. Instead of pulling me to his chest he gestures me to stop.

"What are you doing, Marcus? I'm dead. You need to let me go!" His eyes are calm, but his tone is definitely upset.

"Everything is fine, Neroon," I assure him and grab his hands. Neroon doesn't pull back, but stares in to my eyes. "I told Stephen about my dreams and he thinks it's just my own way of dealing with your sudden death." As I say the words they stop making sense to me. "Maybe I'm wrong," I whisper and distance myself from Neroon. If he doesn't want me here...

"Marcus, all I'm saying is that you should seek comfort among the living!" Neroon says in a soft tone.

He wraps his arm around my waist and I release a strangled sigh. Leaning in to the embrace I quiver, sensing his body warmth. "The weird thing is," I admit, "that you feel so real!"

"You also feel real to me," Neroon whispers.

His tone takes my breath away. Soft lips trail down my neck and suckle my flesh. Turning around in his arms I take in his expression. He looks tired. "Where are we?" I finally ask, having no clue why he appeared in this setting.

"This is my study at Yedor. You'll be here shortly," Neroon replies.

Planting soft kisses on my skin he clutches my face in both his hands.

"You've got to let go, Marcus."

"I can't do that yet. Give me time, Neroon." I lose myself staring into his dark eyes. "Why did you have to die on me?"

"I wish I could change the course of time so I could be with you, but..."

Neroon walks me over to his desk and as he sits down he pulls me on his lap. This time I don't feel awkward or scared and I caress his face. "I still love you," I whisper brokenly.

"And I love you too, Marcus, but you must find people who are still alive to love you."

Neroon's expression is serious. "I'll work on it," I promise and hook my fingers behind his neck. I wish I could stay here forever. "That reminds me...do you approve of me going to Yedor to stay at your residence?"

"Marcus, my home is yours now and so are my possessions. You'll have to manage them now."

Confused, I shake my head. "What are you talking about? Dalmar already put Stephen and me in your quarters, though I think that's... wrong."

"Why?" Neroon asks in a loud tone.

"It's yours... I feel like I'm intruding."

"Marcus, you never seize to amaze me. You should know I'd want you to use them!" Neroon smiles warmly.

Exploring fingers move along my collarbone and I sigh contented. "I guess you're right."

"Anything else you might want to ask me?" Neroon inquires softly.

I trace his lips with a curled finger. "Do you think I should have my hands corrected?" I ask hesitantly. Neroon gently takes my hands in his and studies them.

"Yes, have them corrected and ask Dalmar to work out with you. I'm sorry I can't train you personally."

Regret sounds in his voice and I want to ease that pain. "I know you wanted to spar with me."

"Beware of Shitaro," Neroon suddenly states. "He's facing a conviction by the High Court and will do his best to intimidate you."

Shitaro's name startles me. "Why say that now?" I ask and shiver.

"Because you can't ignore the threat he presents. The High Court will strip him of his rank should he be found guilty and with Hirano testifying to the way he treated you and other prisoners I think there's a good chance the judges will declare him guilty," Neroon says and nods his head. "You must be careful. Dalmar will watch over you, but..."

"So that's why you made him my aide!" I suddenly understand that stipulation.

"Yes, I told you the crew would keep you safe if something happened to me. The crew is loyal to you," Neroon whispers.

He softly blows in to my ear and I quaver, realizing his breath is hot. Savoring the soft caress I listen to his heartbeat. =His heartbeat!= "I don't understand," I stutter, feeling a pulse underneath my fingertips.

"You've got to return to reality now and wake up," Neroon decides in a determined manner.

"I fear the nightmares," I mumble softly. "Can I fall asleep in a dream?" I wonder confused. "I want to sleep in your arms."

"In my arms?" Neroon quips amused and smiles. "I'll allow you to stay a little longer if you try and calm down."

"Going to sleep in a dream," I say confused, "But I'll try it if that means I can stay here."

"Then close your eyes," Neroon says seductively.

I immediately obey and devour every word he speaks.

"I'm holding you and your dreams will be filled with peace."

I chuckle. Neroon sounds too damn poetic.

"What?" he questions.

"Nothing," I whisper and inhale his scent.

"Yes, I'll always be at your side," Neroon says reassuringly.

Hours later I start my ascent to reality as Stephen wakes me from my undisturbed sleep. "Stephen?" Confused I check my surroundings. I'm back in Neroon's quarters on the Ingata and I smell tea and the freshly baked sweet bread the Minbari are so found of.

"It's breakfast time," Stephen says in a chipper tone. "Vallo already set the table and even made tea."

Slowly, I struggle to my feet and realize I could do with a shower.

"Must admit Neroon has a fabulous bathroom! It's more like a swimming pool!" Stephen quips.

Only now I notice a few drops of water on his skin. "That was the same thing I thought!" I reply, feeling rested. "I think I'm going to take a bath before joining you for breakfast." Energetic, I get to my feet.

"You seem a lot better since we arrived here!" Stephen remarks pleased.

I'm not sure I should tell him about my dream. Stephen assured me it's my way of dealing with Neroon's death, but I hesitate nonetheless. How can I explain the setting of that dream? What if I find Neroon's study looks exactly like in my dream? "I dreamt about Neroon," I say and wait for his reaction.

"That certainly explains your good mood," Stephen replies in a neutral tone.

Reassuringly he slaps me on my shoulder.

"I'll wait for you with breakfast, but don't take too long!"

Not sure what to make of my dream I stroll in to the bathroom. The pool is filled with warm water and after shedding my clothes I glide in to it. I wish Neroon were here to talk to me, but as I wash my hair I realize he's right. I've got to focus on the living for support. "At least Stephen's at

my side," I mumble as Neroon's warning returns to me. Beware of Shitaro, he said and shivers run down my spine thinking about a possible confrontation.

In dark places part 36

Marcus

"So Marcus, did you consider my offer to fix your hands?"

Stephen's voice sounds calm and controlled; yet I know he's hoping I'll say yes. I still waver, but then I remember Neroon's words, telling me to have the correction done. I must be mad to trust a dream image, but Neroon felt so bloody real underneath my fingertips! I sensed his heartbeat and pulse! "Yes, I've considered your offer." I start and turn around to look at him. "You can do it."

"Great!" Stephen says enthusiastically. "I'll contact Langar and we can get to work on it later today!"

I reach for my teacup and realize Vallo left it behind when he cleaned the kitchen after dinner. The day has passed by uneventfully and I've been reading most of the time. Stephen undertook a few efforts to discuss Shitaro with me, but I ignored his attempts. Neroon's warning still echoes in my mind. I knew this would happen some day!

"Marcus? I'm not giving up this time!" Stephen says and walks over to the couch. "Something is eating you! I see it in your eyes. You're acting cheerfully, but I'm not buying it! Spit it out!"

I chuckle softly hearing his upset tone, which reminds me of Neroon reprimanding when I bottled up all my fears. As I ponder the similarities between them, I know I can entrust my apprehension to him. "I'm scared," I finally admit.

"Scared of what?" Stephen inquires in a soft tone.

He's now standing beside me and I read concern in his eyes. "Shitaro." After I pronounced the name I shiver.

"All day you avoided talking about him, Marcus." Stephen shakes his head. "And now you're admitting you're scared? Of him?"

I accept the soft reproach. Stephen has tried his best to convince me to enlist his help. I bow my head and stare at my feet. Something tells me that I shouldn't bring up the dream or Neroon warning me. So I decide on a different approach. "Before Neroon died he told me the High Court was

pressing charges against Shitaro for the way he..." I pause to catch my breath. "Knowing Shitaro he'll do anything to prevent a conviction. The Court would strip him off his rank, you see." Surprised I observe Stephen as consternation shows on his face.

"Strip him off his rank?" Stephen repeats upset. "That's it? He deserves..."

"Stephen," I say, stopping him in time. "Don't go there."

"Why not?" he questions.

Suddenly his eyes start to simmer and I hold my breath. Usually Stephen is in perfect control of his emotions, but this time I fear he's going to blow.

"Considering the things he did to you..."

"Stephen, stop it!" I say pleadingly. I'm mentally not up for this discussion. "I just want to forget what he did to me!"

"I understand," Stephen whispers, settling down and regaining control over his emotions. "But when I think of the pain he inflicted on you..."

Ashamed, I turn my back on him. "I didn't do anything to stop him!" I suddenly burst out in an emotional tone. "I could have tried to stop him!" Burying my head in my hands I lean against the wall. "Don't you understand? I let him do it!" This thought, this feeling of guilt has been there from

the start, but I never acknowledged it. "I am... was a ranger, dammit! I should have taken the poison when I still had a chance!"

"Marcus, sit down," Stephen says in a soothing tone.

I allow him to walk me to the couch and as his hands gently push me down I give in. I stare at my deformed hands and am once more reminded of what Shitaro did to me. "I should have stopped him!" I yelp in despair. Stephen's arm slips around my shoulders. Crying, I rest my head against his chest. Briefly, I imagine it's Neroon holding me and not Stephen.

"You're going through post traumatic stress, Marcus. You blame yourself and by doing that you're aiming all the anger at yourself."

I shake my head in denial. "Stephen, you weren't there. You can't possibly understand!"

"Then make me understand," he says pleadingly.

After adjusting my too rapid breathing to his, I clasp my hands and wonder what to say. Part of my mind is telling me Stephen is right.

"You've got to forgive yourself, Marcus," Stephen whispers compassionately. "You've got accept the fact that you had no control of that situation and being helpless is scary."

"How can I possibly forgive myself for the things Shitaro made me do? I should have said no!" I object fiercely. Stephen is trying to establish eye contact, but I'm avoiding his stare.

"Would it have made a difference? Saying no?" Stephen asks softly.

As I'm forced to consider that question I finally realize the truth. "No, it wouldn't have made a difference." I admit and return his gaze. "But I would have felt a lot better about myself had I fought harder."

"Marcus," Stephen starts and smiles gently, "I'm convinced that you fought Shitaro to the best of your abilities."

"You weren't there!" I still protest, but my tone has lost much of its intensity. "You don't know how degrading, how humiliating..." and suddenly I realize I'm doing exactly what Stephen wanted me to do all day. "I don't want to discuss this."

"Yes, you do and you must address it," Stephen nods his head. "But I think we should stop now. Tomorrow is another day."

"Why are you doing this?" I ask confused.

"Because you need to let go off the fear, the guilt and anger. Otherwise it'll poison your mind," Stephen explains patiently. "And now that Neroon isn't here any longer, someone else must help you face Shitaro."

Trembling, I sit back and pull a pillow on to my lap to fumble it. "I feel lost," I confess awkwardly. I'm not used to acknowledge my feelings and needs.

"But that feeling will disappear in time."

"I hope so," I whisper and press the pillow against my body. It still bears Neroon's scent. "Don't you need to contact Langar?" I say, hoping to have some moments to myself to compose myself. Stephen is learning too quickly how to push my buttons.

"Yes, you're right." Stephen gets up from the couch. "I think I'm going to check out the medical bay onboard as well. Do you want me to send for Vallo?"

"No, I'll be fine," I say reassuringly. "I'd like to be alone for a moment."

"Are you sure?" Stephen asks doubtfully.

"Yes." I shift on the sofa and reach for my book. "I'm going to read some more." I wish Stephen would go away! I want to be alone with my thoughts. I need to find order in this chaos.

"I'll be back shortly," Stephen whispers and after one last concerned and inquiring look, leaves the suite.

"I thought he'd never leave!" I whisper relieved and place the book back on the table. "Stephen's right, you know," I say, talking to... to whom? Maybe I expect Neroon to listen to me. Maybe I just need to hear a voice, dreading the silence around me. "I couldn't stop Shitaro and the one time I tried he had my ankles broken, but..."

Nervously I rise to my feet and open the pike. I slowly pace Neroon's quarters and as I pass his collection of crystals I remember the one with the waterfalls on it. The crystal is still in the player and a moment later soothing sounds fill the room. "I don't know, Neroon. I feel so ashamed,

remembering Shitaro overpowering me. How can I ever accept that?"

I'm disappointed as no one answers and freeze in my tracks, feeling abandoned. "You could have shown me ways to deal with this," I say accusingly. "But you had to die on me!" My body is trembling violently and I know I'm blaming the wrong person. "No, you tried to help me, Neroon. It's

Shitaro who... who... and I will get even with him! You wanted me to take him on once I was healed... It's the only way for me to put this behind me," I realize and sigh. "I'll have to work hard in order to get back in shape and I might even die challenging Shitaro to Denn'sha, but it's the only

way..."

"Marcus? Whom are you talking to?"

Dalmar entered and I didn't even notice it! Worried, he takes a step closer, yet keeps his distance. "I didn't hear you come inside," I explain and pull the brown robes closer to my body. After taking a shower earlier I slipped in to another set of Neroon's clothes. Stephen unpacked my duffel, but I feel more comfortable inhaling Neroon's scent. Remembering Dalmar's question I add, "I guess I was talking to Neroon. It's hard to believe he's gone forever."

"I caught myself opening a channel to report to him," Dalmar whispers. "The entire crew mourns with you."

"Thank you," I say sincerely. "I didn't know him that long, but... I miss him."

"He's badly missed," Dalmar agrees, "but his deeds and compassion will live on in our hearts."

Strangely touched by that remark I search Dalmar's eyes, building courage to ask him a question. Hopefully it won't put Dalmar in an uncomfortable situation. "Neroon promised to work out with me on the Denn'bok so I could one day challenge Shitaro to the death," I pause, as Dalmar's eyes grow big. I hesitate to continue, but in the end I say, "Now that he's... dead, would you help me get back in to shape?" Dalmar's dark expression worries me and I wonder if I offended him.

"I feel honored by that request and I'll do the best I can to train you."

Dalmar's reply makes me breathe a lot easier. "I doubt I will do well," I stutter slightly embarrassed and show him my hands. "Langar and Doctor Franklin will try to correct the fractures, but..."

"Have faith in them, Marcus," Dalmar says softly. "Langar is an excellent physician."

I briefly remain quiet, realizing how many people are determined to help me and I can't let them down. "So what brought you here to begin with?" I ask curiously.

"Neroon's last will," Dalmar replies and looks about, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "There are a number of stipulations you might not know about yet."

I sink down on the sofa as my left ankle starts to hurt. "What stipulations?" I ask confused. Seeing his expression I add, "I haven't read it yet."

"Do you know anything about warrior cast traditions?" Dalmar inquires intrigued.

"No," I've got to admit. "They weren't part of my ranger training."

"The most important thing you need to know is..." Dalmar looks up questioningly, "is that you're now in command of the Ingata. As Neroon's official mate you inherited the right of command."

Stunned, my eyes grow big. "Say again?" I stutter.

"You're in command of the Ingata," Dalmar repeats. "By Minbari custom everything Neroon owned is yours now. His residence at Yedor, the family heirlooms, everything is yours."

"But what about Neroon's next of kin?" I ask stupefied. Commanding the Ingata seems highly inappropriate!

"Neroon was the last of his dynasty. His blood relatives are dead. His parents died in the Earth Minbari war and he was an only child," Dalmar explains.

"What about uncles? Nephews? Nieces or grandparents?" I weakly object.

"Dead," Dalmar replies and then his eyes change expression. "The crew serves you now."

As Dalmar lowers his eyes and salutes me I choke up. I can't believe Neroon did this to me! "There must be some mistake..."

"No mistakes. Neroon's last will is completely legitimate," Dalmar states pleased. "I've got to return to the command center now... I'll instruct Langar to notify me the moment he thinks you're ready to take up training." Dalmar grins and quickly departs.

"I can't fucking believe this!" I exclaim and no longer pretend to be calm. I wonder where I left the copy Neroon gave me. "It's time I read that will!" My hands shake as they grab the valuable paper and unroll it. I've got to sit down again as I start reading Neroon's last will. "Oh my God!" I yelp. "It's true... Dalmar told me the truth."

In dark places part 37

Franklin

"Marcus? Are you ready to go?" I carefully peek inside, not wanting to invade Marcus' privacy. He sits on the sofa, clutching a piece of paper. Whatever is wrong, I'm determined to find out. After making my way to the couch I sit on my heels and study his eyes. Has he been crying? Marcus' eyes are definitely watered. "What brought you down?" I ask and try reading the words on the scroll. I can only make out Neroon's name, signed at the bottom and finally realize what this paper must be about.

"Neroon's will," Marcus whispers in a tone filled with pain. "You've got no idea what he did."

I'm about to ask Marcus for an explanation as he starts trembling underneath my fingertips. Reading Neroon's will upset him, but that's part of working through the loss and he has to know I'm here for him in case he needs to talk about it.

"He made me his heir," Marcus says in a spiteful tone. "He expects me to follow in his footsteps and to command the Ingata!"

The rage in his eyes takes me aback and I ask, "Why are you angry? What's wrong with Neroon's last will? I think you're perfect for that job." I suddenly feel drained. I thought I could handle Marcus' emotional outbursts, but now I'm not that sure anymore. How did Neroon cope with Marcus' mood swings?

"I can never live up to those expectations, Stephen," Marcus replies saddened. "Neroon was an accomplished warrior, an Alit and I..."

"You're a ranger," I end the sentence for him, wanting to lift his spirits.

"And a human!" Marcus objects and shakes his head. "How can I, a human, be in command of a Minbari war cruiser? The clan leaders will never accept that!"

"Don't worry about that," I admonish him. "That's beyond your control, remember?" The paper drops from his hands and the look he shoots me makes me shiver. "Come on," I say, opting for action instead of discussion, "Langer is waiting for us." I pull Marcus to his feet and as he extends his pike I wrap my arm around his waist. He seems extremely wobbly on his feet. Reading

Neroon's will must have shocked him.

"What did you expect, anyway?" I ask Marcus as the door closes behind us. "Neroon wanted you safe. Giving you command of the Ingata means his crew will back you up should Shitaro try getting to you."

"You're right," Marcus acknowledges, "but I never thought he would go this far!"

"He loved you," I whisper, uncertain what else I can say to make Marcus accept Neroon's will.

As we arrive Langar looks up from his medical instruments. He's patiently waiting to get started on Marcus, but first I need to tell Marcus something. "Marcus, we should discuss this surgical procedure."

"Yes?" Marcus sits down.

I gently take both his hands and put them on the exam table, palms facing up. A probing light is scanning the shattered bone structure and I keep a close eye on the readings. "The technique Langar used to reconstruct your ankle works best on Minbari. With humans, it takes much longer to heal. I want to use a laser to correct your hands."

"So?" Marcus asks confused and shrugs his shoulders.

His eyes are big with doubt and I rub his knuckles in an effort to comfort him and at the same time I examine his fingers, which are still flexible. "Your hands will only need a few days to recover instead of weeks. I know it's important to you to wield a pike again so I'll do the best I can."

"Go ahead and do it before I lose courage," Marcus replies in a shaky tone.

I wish I could make him understand that I know how hard this is on him. I've known Marcus for 2 years now and we've been in life threatening situations together. But he never caved in. Marcus never gave up, not even when the Vindrizi surrounded us! The idea of Marcus being afraid of a simple surgical procedure strikes me as unbelievable. But as I look in to his eyes I know he is. "First I'll give you something for the pain."

"That bad?" Marcus stutters apprehensively.

"I can't take the risk of you moving your hands because the pain overwhelms you," I explain. "But it will only take one hour to fix them. Langar will work on your right hand and I on your left." When Langar offered his assistance I instructed him what to do and once I was certain he could

perform the procedure I saw the advantage of doing it this way. Marcus' eyes drift off and finally rest on a pair of gloves. Langar showed them to me and I had to admit I never heard of the material before. But it will greatly speed up Marcus' recovery process. "Langar told me you've worn them before?"

"Yes, for a few weeks?" Marcus says questioningly and looks at Langar for confirmation.

"This time you're only required to wear them for two or three days," Langar says reassuringly.

I inject the pain medication in to Marcus' blood stream and watch his eyes. It's obvious he wishes this were already over and done. "The first few days you'll experience a burning sensation in your hands, more like a nagging ache. It will vanish quickly," I explain to Marcus as I start working on his hand. Langar sits down next to me and uses a second laser to correct Marcus' right wrist.

"They must have used brute force to break these bones!" I remark shuddering. Marcus' eyes tell me he's reliving parts of his captivity and a chill sneaks into my bones. "Marcus?"

"Yes?" he replies in an emotionless tone.

"Is the pain medication working?" I say in an attempt to pull him away from his melancholy.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"This will only take an hour," I say reassuringly, but realize this is demanding a lot of his mental resources. Maybe I should have put him to sleep instead.

Later that evening I stretch my body on the couch. This first day onboard the Ingata was more intense than I ever imagined possible. Marcus is eyeing the gloves suspiciously and I head over to his bed to sit next to him. "Let's have a look at them," I say and wait for him to extend his hands.

Marcus obeys and I slowly pull the glove from his right hand. "What do you think?" I inquire, showing him the results.

"They look... normal," Marcus admits after staring at his hands. "The deformity is gone. You and Langar did a great job."

"And tomorrow we will take care of your other ankle," I say determined, pleased that this newly developed technique is showing promising results. "I'm certain that you can start working out shortly." I gently flex some of Marcus' fingers and nod my head in contentment. "Try making a fist," I instruct and examine his other hand.

"It burns all right," Marcus whispers, but complies.

"Looks promising." Pleased, I pull the gloves back in place. "Give your hands 48 more hours to heal. We should try to get some shuteye in the mean time." Eyeing Marcus I realize he looks relaxed and calm. "Have you been thinking about Neroon's last will?" I want to know, remembering how much it upset him.

"There isn't much I can do," Marcus sighs and rests his hands in his lap. "I can either accept or refuse its consequences."

"What will you do?" I shift on the bed as Marcus lies down. His eyes close and I realize he feels comfortable having me this close. I add, "Whatever you do, you know I'll back you up and so will our friends on Babylon 5."

"Thanks, Stephen. I appreciate your... concern." Marcus slowly opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling. "I'll probably accept the terms stated in Neroon's will. Although I doubt I'm the right man to command the Ingata. I desperately want to stay at Yedor."

"Why?" I study him, seeing the sad expression in his darkened eyes.

"I want to find out more about Neroon," Marcus explains and sits upright. "I don't know that much about him."

"That makes sense," I agree and smile. "So does that mean you now also carry that Minbari title? What's it called?"

"Alit?" Confused, Marcus shakes his head. "I really don't know... I doubt it... Neroon was an Alit, but..."

"Ask Dalmar," I advise and return to my sofa. "When will we arrive on Minbar?"

"I guess we'll arrive tomorrow afternoon," Marcus replies and pulls the blanket over his body. Softly he tells the computer to dim the lights. "You know, Stephen I've been dreaming of Neroon ever since he died."

His voice carries an odd tone, which makes me observe his face closely. "You're still worried about that? I honestly think it's just your way of saying good-bye," I say trying to reassure him. "Enjoy Neroon's company, Marcus. It's a lot better than having nightmares."

"You've got a point there," Marcus admits and grins. "I hope I'll run in to him tonight."

Relieved to see him smile I can't help but worry a little about his dreams. It might be just his brain trying to cope with Neroon's death, but I learned long ago that Minbari tend to keep certain things a secret. What if there's more going on than meets the eye? Marcus claims he saw Neroon die, but what happened in reality? Determined to ask Delenn I doze off as well.

During the night Marcus' voice wakes me up. I sit upright and see the outline of his face in the dimmed lights. He's definitely talking in his sleep, but speaking too softly for me to understand the words. I get up and tiptoe over to the bed. Marcus' speech is slurred and the only word I can make out is Neroon. A smile suddenly illuminates his features and reassured I leave him to his dreams. Until I can talk to Delenn all I have are questions.

In dark places part 38

Marcus

"And again," Stephen instructs resolved.

He has been pushing me over an hour now and I carefully make a fist with my right hand. The progress I’ve made since I had surgery takes me aback. Now, only 24 hours later I’m already capable of picking up items with my fingers.

"It’s amazing," I compliment Stephen. "If I had known my hands could be that easily fixed, I would have had it done earlier."

"Well, this particular technique is still considered experimental, Marcus."

"I understand that." I run an exploratory right hand down my leg to probe my ankle. Stephen corrected it a few hours ago and I wonder whether I’ll still need the pike to support me. "At one time," I reveal to him, "I thought I’d be crippled for the rest of my life."

Stephen’s compassionate eyes laugh at me. Dealing with my temper is taxing on him. Sometimes I’ll get depressed and at other times anger consumes me. I’ve got to find an outlet for these emotions. "When can I start working out with Dalmar?"

"Give it a few more days, Marcus. Your bones are still tender and need more time to heal completely," Stephen says softly. "I know you’re eager to get back in shape, but you’re not yet ready."

"Stephen?" I start hesitantly and wait for him to look up at me. "Are you… going to stay with me once we’ve reached Yedor or will you be leaving at once?" I hope he’ll stay, but I also realize he’s been neglecting his duties on the station.

"I’ll stay as long as you need me," Stephen says and smiles. "You won’t get rid off me that easily!"

Relieved, I watch his fingers massage mine. Stephen wasn’t kidding when he mentioned I’d experience a burning sensation in my bones. It feels like my hands are burning up from the inside. I mention it to him, slightly concerned about it.

"It will be completely gone in a few days," Stephen says reassuringly.

The communicator flashes on and Dalmar’s face appears. "Yes?" I say patiently, noticing his calm expression.

"We’ll arrive at Yedor in one hour."

"Acknowledged," I reply uncomfortably now that we’re getting close to Neroon’s home. "Anything I need to take care of before we arrive?"

"No, I’ll do that," Dalmar says in a friendly tone. "Your hands have greatly improved," he comments pleased, gesturing at them.

"Yes, they have," I whisper in a similar tone. Dalmar then terminates the contact and I’m suddenly staring in to Stephen’s eyes. He licks his lips in a nervous way, a sure sign he wants to address something. "What is it?"

"I’ll inform Dalmar that you can start your training in 2 days," Stephen announces mischievously.

I’m not sure how I feel about that. Yes, I want to work out, but that means I’ve got to shape up as well. No more hiding my fears, but tapping in to them to feed my energy. Am I ready to take that step? "Dalmar will be thrilled."

"And you?" Stephen asks as he replaces the gloves.

"I feel like… ending one chapter in my life and starting a new one." As I look at Stephen I see understanding in his expression. "I always counted on Neroon being there to build this new life with me. I miss him more than words can ever express. Last night I dreamt of him. We didn’t talk, but I slept in his arms, knowing he was guarding me. It made me feel safe and when I woke up… I felt empty," I end depressed.

"What about Delenn?" Stephen asks. "Don’t you think she should know how you’re doing?"

"I’ll contact her once we reached Yedor," I promise, realizing no matter how many times I deny it, I’m still a ranger and I owe it to Delenn to keep her updated.

One hour later our shuttle lands near Neroon’s home in Yedor. Vallo and Dalmar left a few minutes earlier, wanting to be there before we’d arrive. Dalmar opens the shuttle door and I gesture Stephen to step out first.

Peeking outside I see Vallo and Langar’s smiling faces and I draw in a deep breath before taking that final step. A moment later I’m standing on moist grass and look up at a very impressive building, constructed out of colored glass and metal. The glass reflects the sunlight, causing all kind of new colors to spread through the air.

"Welcome," Langar says and smiles. "This is your new home, Marcus."

I appreciate the fact that they want me to feel welcome and as I walk inside I’m surprised to see hundreds of lights twinkling in the corridor, which leads to the main hall. "Are those candles?" I ask uncertain.

"Yes, scented candles from the temple of Valeria. The priestesses always bless them before they’re lit," Langar explains.

A lovely fragrance fills the corridor and I pause to inhale it. "Lilacs," I whisper. Langar looks questioningly and I realize they don’t know that particular flower.

"Don’t you like it? We can extinguish them," Langar quickly offers.

"No," I exclaim, "I love it." In a strange way it soothes my nerves.

Upon entering the main hall I suddenly realize that the building has to be much bigger than it appears from the outside. Glass and metal are skilfully braided together and stunned I take in the multi colored glass stained wall in front of me. "What’s that?" I ask stupefied.

"That’s an image of the sacred gardens in Tuzenor," Langar replies proudly. "Behind it is a door which gives access to the meditation rooms."

"It’s beautiful," I stutter. The artist managed to capture the mystic feeling that surrounds those gardens. I visited them once during training and I still vividly remember the silence clinging to the place.

"It’s close to where the Sisters of Valeria have their temple," Langar adds. "Now, follow me and I’ll show you to your rooms. I assigned Doctor Franklin the rooms next to yours, Marcus."

Exchanging a glance with Stephen I notice him smile. He seems to like the house as well. As we ascend the wooden stairs warm sunlight briefly engulfs us and I look outside, seeing the waterfalls Neroon mentioned. This place exceeds even Tuzenor’s beauty and I instantly fall in love with it.

I slowly climb the stairs and feel relieved that my ankles are holding up. My hands slide over the banisters, caressing the ancient wood. Stephen agreed I no longer had to wear the gloves and I gladly disposed of them.

Even though the sun still hasn’t set candles have been lighted everywhere. I can’t believe I’m taking up residence in this magnificent house.

Langar opens a heavy wooden door and gestures Stephen to step inside. "These are your rooms."

Stephen nods his head, but doesn’t enter the room. I suspect he wants to be certain where to find me in case something goes wrong. Langar walks to the next door and smiles.

"And these are your quarters, Marcus."

I can’t help but being curious, knowing this is where Neroon lived most of this life. Slowly the door opens and I hold my breath in anticipation. Surprised I notice its sparse interior. A Minbari sleeping platform, some bookshelves filled with scrolls and huge pillows scattered all over the floor make up most of the room. Then I notice the huge chest underneath the window and my curiosity is piqued again.

"I’m going to have a look at my room. Will meet you here in… 20 minutes, Marcus?" Stephen suggests.

I immediately nod my head, craving to be alone in here for a few moments. "That’s fine with me." I notice the look of understanding Dalmar gives me before closing the door behind Stephen.

Finally I’m alone and I study the room. Only then I notice a second door, slightly ajar, which leads… where? After stealing over there I push it open and my heart forgets to beat momentarily. I take some steps in to the second room and gasp in shock. This is the study I saw in my dreams! This is =Neroon’s= study and every detail I remember matches!

My knees give out on me and I slide down to the floor. Finally I sit cross-legged, taking everything it. This is definitely the desk I saw and I cringe, wondering what this means!

How could I’ve known what Neroon’s study would look like? I’ve never been here before and I’m certain Neroon never described it to me! Cold sweat forms all over my body as I try to find the answer to this riddle.

But what’s the answer? I’ve never been able to foretell the future and the last time I checked I had no special abilities either! I pull myself together and manage to get back to my feet. It’s silent in here and my footfalls are the only sounds heard.

I sit down behind the large wooden desk and my eyes scan all scrolls and crystals on it. Looks like Neroon liked to write his reports the old fashioned way as I discover a pen and ink. But it’s written in the tongue of the warrior cast and I can’t make heads or tails of it. Disappointed I put them down.

Neroon was reading in my dream and I desperately try finding reports written in Standard. But I quickly realize Neroon had no reason to write in an alien language. Well, that settles it. I’ll have to teach myself this particular language.

Weak beams of translucent sunlight crawl in to the study and I’m reluctant to leave here, but Stephen might already be waiting for me. As I rise from behind the desk I stroll over to a closet and open it.

Inside Neroon’s scent attacks me and my hands caress the fabric of his uniforms and robes. I feel close to him and bow my head to release my tears. I want him back! I want Neroon at my side, but I can’t have it!

"Marcus?"

Hearing Stephen’s voice startles me and I quickly turn around, almost losing my equilibrium in the process. "What are you doing here?"

"I waited 30 minutes and when you didn’t show up I grew concerned," Stephen explains in a gentle tone. "So this is Neroon’s study?"

I nod my head once and decide to keep my dreams a secret for now. Maybe Langar can explain what happened to me. Why did I know what Neroon’s study looked like? Stephen takes hold of my hands and I don’t resist. He closes the closet and leads me to the window.

"I love this place," I admit breathlessly, seeing the sunset above the waterfalls. A pallet of pastels colors the sky and I stroke back my hair. This sun set is a symphony of pink, rosy mauve and violet. Only a few blue clouds darken the sky. Stephen smiles and I realize he feels the same way about this place.

I hesitate before making this next statement as I only now realized how I feel about being here. "I feel like I’m coming home, " I finally admit shyly. "I can’t explain it."

"Marcus," Stephen whispers in an odd tone.

As he places his hand on my shoulder I feel connected to him, like I did with Neroon. I trust Stephen and I trusted Neroon. I found friendship at last and this time I’m determined to make the best of it. No more hiding behind walls, instead I’m going to try and be the best I can!

In dark places part 39

Marcus

"We need to rebuild your stamina back to its old level," Dalmar remarks. "It will take a few weeks, maybe even months, but I promise to get you back in shape."

Tired, I nod my head. For an hour now we’ve been going through basic training sequences. We’re working out without pikes as Dalmar deems it necessary to get all basic training done before even touching a weapon. I hate to admit it, as he’s pushing me beyond my limits, but he’s an excellent pike fighter. Breathlessly I observe the new sequences he’s demonstrating and I do my best to copy them. It’s hard though.

"Did I already tell you I supervised part of Neroon’s training when we were youngsters?"

That remark makes me look up. "You don’t look that much older," I whisper, trying to catch my breath as Dalmar stops for a short break.

"I had just finished my training and Neroon still had to start." Dalmar explains.

As he gestures me to assume a certain starting position Dalmar shows me several moves I’ve never seen before. Curiously I mimic them. "Did you also push Neroon this ruthlessly?" I ask, short of breath.

"I certainly did!" Dalmar replies amused. "Here," he says and picks up the pikes. "Show me what they taught you at ranger training."

Looking at the pike Neroon gave me weeks ago I wonder whether I’ve got enough energy left to continue this. "Dalmar, I’m not Minbari and I’m tired," I say apologetically.

Although I made up my mind to work as hard as humanly possible I can’t defeat the weariness in my bones. The burning sensation is still there, although it has grown less in intensity.

Dalmar looks up questioningly hearing that remark and cocks his head to study me. "I’m not faking it," I say. "I want to get back in shape, but…"

"No, you’re right," Dalmar says eventually. "We’ll continue your training tomorrow at dawn," and collapses his pike. "You did well today."

I nod my head, relieved to get a rest. Since I arrived here, two days ago I’ve slept most of the days because Stephen slipped me sleeping meds. When I found out this morning he looked rather disappointed. I know they’re acting for my best, but I’m getting tired of their concern. I can make my own calls and it’s time for them to understand that and back off.

Remembering Dalmar’s comment I say, "Thank you. But you’re a good personal trainer as well." I fall momentarily silent as we walk in to the corridor. I plan on taking a nice water shower and then getting a bite to eat. The Minbari kitchen turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Neroon’s cook knows a lot of dishes besides Flarn.

"Don’t forget to check in with Doctor Franklin at 1700 hours," Dalmar says, "for your daily check."

"Don’t you think Stephen’s acting a bit overly concerned?" I ask Dalmar but seeing the smile in his eyes I can guess his answer. "No, you don’t."

"You’re recovering nicely, but one can’t be too careful."

"You sound a lot like Neroon at times, do you know that?" I smile saddened, wishing Neroon were here to work out with me.

Dalmar laughs warmly. "I’ve never been accused of that before, but I regard it as a compliment in this particular case!"

We’ve reached my quarters and I say good-bye to him before stepping inside. The moment the door closes I try to capture the last remnant of Neroon’s scent which is drifting away slowly. I desperately cling to his memory and slowly head for the rigged platform.

Stephen begged me that first night to rig his as well and I gladly obliged. The servants however tried to restore it to its original position and I had to ask Dalmar to instruct them to leave it this way. I still need to teach myself this bloody language!

Sitting down on the platform I stare at the chest underneath the window. Since day one it's called out to me, but I don’t want to snoop around in Neroon’s personal belongs. On the other hand, Neroon did tell me to open it in my dreams. I’ve been at war with my feelings ever since.

"Marcus? Are you ready to go? Vallo just informed me dinner is about to be served."

Stephen accesses my room through the connecting door, rubbing his belly. "I wonder what we’ll get this time," I say and get to my feet. "I would have liked to shower first though," I admit, knowing I sweated profusely during training.

"I think you’ve got enough time left," Stephen replies and awkwardly sits down on the floor, using some of the pillows to make himself comfortable.

I quickly dash in to the bathroom and resist temptation to go for a long bath instead. After shedding my clothes I take a shower and slip in to new set of clothes. "I’m ready to go," I exclaim as my stomach growls from hunger.

"You should dry your hair first," Stephen says, who moved to look out of the window.

"Guess you’re right," I sigh and use a towel to dry it. "It’s a great view," I comment admiringly.

"Yes, makes sense why Neroon took up residence here," Stephen agrees and turns about. "You look decent enough, let’s go. I’m hungry!"

After eating dinner I retreat into the meditation room. On our first evening here Stephen tried to meditate as well, but that man is restless! He gave up after 30 minutes. I like the silence in here, the tranquillity that flows into my mind if only I let it. But tonight I can’t focus.

Something Neroon mentioned in my dreams keeps haunting me. Shitaro… Shitaro is now standing trial and it doesn’t look good for him. At my request Vallo updated me on the proceedings.

I was baffled to hear that the one guard, Hirano testified on my behalf. Thanks to his testimony the judges are taking this trial seriously and I shiver wondering what Shitaro will do when pronounced guilty. I desperately hope I won’t have to testify at the High Court. I don’t think I can face Shitaro yet.

"Marcus? May I enter?"

"Always, Langar," I reply, torn away from my fears. "What brings you here?"

Langar looks worried as he speaks, "I received a message from the High Court."

I stare at the floor, as my fears suddenly crash in to my mind again. "What did it say?" Basically I don’t want to hear it, but… I don’t have a choice.

"They want you to take the stand." Langar smiles reassuringly. "They want to hear what you’ve got to say."

"What difference does it make?" I object, determined not to go there.

"My sources say that the High Court already thinks Shitaro is guilty as charged, but they are worried that his punishment might not severe enough in proportion to his crimes."

"I thought they were only going to strip him of his rank?" I ask confused.

"Apparently they think a more severe penalty is called for," Langar replies pleased. "Will you go?"

"I don’t think I can," I reveal hesitantly and stretch my muscles. "What if I run into Shitaro?"

Langar nods his head. "I understand how you feel about confronting him, but do you want him to get away this easily?"

"I just want to be left alone," I moan desperately and jump to my feet. "I feel safe here." I stare in to the healer’s soft eyes. "I need to feel safe at the moment. I’m just settling in to this routine of working out with Dalmar and talking to Stephen. I’m not ready to leave this place."

"Neroon wouldn’t want you to hide here," Langar says in a berating tone.

"I know!" I yelp and bang a fist in to the wall. "Don’t you think I know that? Neroon wanted me to challenge Shitaro to Denn’sha!"

"Then why don’t you do that?"

"Because I’m not ready yet!" I protest. "I’d lose such a fight!"

"I can’t force you to attend the trial, but," Langar states as he walks to the doorway, "I think you need to face Shitaro. You’re still afraid of him and that fear is eating you."

He’s right and we both know it. "When am I expected to be there?"

"In one week."

"I can’t make any promises," I stutter embarrassed, afraid I’m letting them down.

"Take your time, but don’t use it as an excuse to run away from your fears," Langar remarks concerned.

"I’ll keep that in mind," I reply and watch him leave. Alone, I sit down again and do my best to create a sense of tranquillity in my mind. If only Neroon were at my side… or Susan…

"No, I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to think about her!" I whisper miserably. "She refused to stay with me!" In a pained tone I sneer the words at myself. "She’s been hurt too many times and deserves someone far better than I!"

I shouldn’t let my sense of self worth depend on the way others view me, but… I need someone to love me, for I don’t know how to do that myself. Neroon almost convinced me I was worthy of being loved and then he died.

Shaking my head I leave the room and walk outside to stare at the blinding water rolling down the cliffs. I lean my back against a tree and wonder what Neroon would say to me if he were here. I can almost hear his voice as it keeps me company every night.

"Langar is right. You’ve got to face Shitaro. You may not challenge him to Denn’sha yet, but one day you will," I whisper, knowing Neroon well enough to make up an answer. "Why did you leave me?" I whisper broken. "And why did Stephen have to tell me Susan refused to come along? Why didn’t he keep quiet instead? Maybe he thought I needed to know the truth."

After walking over to the water I sit on my heels, knowing darn well I’m hiding here. The cool water drips from my fingers after I dipped my hand into it. I’ve never felt this lost before. I thought coming here was the right thing to do, but now… I wish someone would tell me what to do so I could stop thinking altogether.

"Marcus? Langar told me I could find you here," Stephen says and sits down on the grass. "Need someone to talk to?"

"I think I do," I admit weakly and tell Stephen about Langar’s request to attend the trial. "I’m not sure I can do that yet."

Stephen’s eyes reveal his empathy and he nods his head. "I understand how hard this is on you, but for what’s worth, Langar is right. You can’t keep running."

I lie down and stare at the clouds, which are now obscuring the sun. "I’ve got a week to think about it."

"Then don’t force it and take your time to make up your mind," Stephen advises.

As I close my eyes and listen to the splashing water I realize Neroon would kick my butt for refusing to testify. I decide to take Stephen’s advice to think this over. Secretly I hope Neroon will appear in my dreams tonight so I can ask him what to do.

In dark places part 40

Marcus

Restlessly I lie down on the rigged platform and try my best to fall asleep but Langar’s request keeps spinning through my mind. I’ve got to find the courage to face Shitaro in one week’s time. But how? The mere mention of his name makes me nauseous.

I close my eyes and realize that without Stephen’s sleeping meds I’ll have a hard time falling asleep. After tossing and turning for what seems hours, I get up from the platform and sneak over to the chest, which I haven’t had the guts for to open yet.

I sit down cross-legged and stare at the lid. Slowly I close my fingers over it and push it open. A moment later I tell the computer to increase the lights to peek inside.

The first thing I see is a number of crystals. Curiously I take them in to my hand and stare at them, wondering what information they might contain. I’ve seen a player in the corner and decide to set them aside for now. Maybe I’ll have a look at them later. The scrolls which I pick up next are written in the warrior caste language and useless to me.

As I dig deeper I retrieve a black cloak and a collapsed pike. Feeling strangely disappointed I wonder what I expected to find. Something more shocking than this, that’s for sure.

I roll the crystals in the palm of my hand and finally decide to play at least one of them. Slightly apprehensive I walk over to the player and insert one. A hidden screen appears to my right and shows me Neroon as a youngster during pike training. I smile seeing his youthful face and unconcerned eyes.

A second Minbari appears and manages to hit Neroon on the head. After studying this man’s features I recognize Dalmar. The entire crystal is filled with training sessions and I relax seeing Neroon make all types of beginner’s mistakes.

In the end I’m chuckling, watching Neroon fight down his anger at being defeated. Slowly I crawl over to insert the second crystal. I stop laughing seeing Neroon and another male Minbari walking beside the waterfalls and I instinctively know this has to be Narrier.

The young man looks radiant and both of them are definitely in love. Surprised, I realize I’m feeling jealous. In heaven’s name! Narrier died so long ago and he committed suicide.

We both went through the same trauma, but only I survived because of Neroon’s determination. Why didn’t Narrier? Neroon once told me Narrier didn’t allow him close and by God I understand how hard it must have been on Narrier. I still don’t know why I allowed Neroon to hold and comfort me.

Great, now I depressed myself! Frustrated with myself I retreat back to the platform and suddenly I can’t hold back my tears any longer. Neroon found a way to live without Narrier and I’ve got to do the same thing now, living without Neroon.

Tears run down my cheeks and I curl my body in to a ball as I turn on to my left side. Covering my face with my eyes I stop fighting all these intense feelings inside me. The hate, guilt, the love and despair at losing that love hits me like lighting and there’s nothing I can do stop it… I don’t want to any way. I need to let go if I want to truly recover. And so I cry myself to sleep.

"Marcus? Can you hear me?"

Hearing that voice makes me open my eyes. "Neroon?" I quickly get to my feet, embarrassed because I was lying down. I take in his appearance as he leans against the wall in a callous way, collapsed pike in his hand. He’s wearing his uniform again and I still dislike seeing him dressed like this.

"So, you’re going to challenge Shitaro? We need to work on your technique then." Neroon opens his pike and assumes a fighting stance.

Confused, I look up pleadingly. "How do you know…?"

"Never question my presence in your dreams, Marcus," Neroon says chidingly. "Now show me some defensive moves."

Not reacting at all I simply stare at him. "I thought you’d be angry with me."

Neroon sighs and closes his pike again. "What for?"

"For looking at the crystals of you and… Narrier."

"I told you to open the chest, didn’t I?" Neroon smiles warmly.

"Yes, you did," I’ve got to admit. "And how do you know about me facing Shitaro?" Then I remember his remark earlier and know he won’t answer me. "Sorry, I have no business asking that."

"I’m here to prepare you for the fight," Neroon replies steadfast. "I sparred with Shitaro once or twice and might be able to give you some insight on his weak spots."

Surprised, I open my pike at Neroon’s command. "I’m in terrible shape," I warn him. "There’s no way I can take on Shitaro and beat him."

"You doubt yourself too much," Neroon says softly and takes a few steps closer.

I sigh in bliss as his left hand caresses my face. Looking in to his eyes I see sadness and determination. "Can you blame me for doubting my abilities?" I ask.

"No," Neroon admits.

As he takes my right hand in his Neroon’s smile brightens.

"Your hands…" he says approvingly.

"Stephen and Langar fixed them," I explain and curl my fingers around his.

"Marcus," Neroon starts and cocks his head. "I’m sorry she didn’t want to help you recover."

"Damn!" I curse harshly. "Why do you have to bring her up?" I don’t want to talk about Susan now that Neroon’s here.

"Because her rejection hurt you," Neroon says knowingly.

"Somehow I still love her… but I love you too!" I exclaim mystified. "I don’t understand how I can be attracted to both of you!"

"I don’t know that answer," Neroon sighs and distances himself again. "But I do know you’ll be fighting Shitaro in one week. We can’t waste any more time. Now show me what Master Durhann taught you. Defend yourself!"

Before I get a proper chance to open my pike Neroon starts an attack. This dream is turning out quite different from my former ones!

The next morning I wake up feeling drained. Last night was exhausting. Stretching my body carefully, I find that several muscles ache after the gruelling training Dalmar submitted me to! And then Neroon made me go through it all for a second time!

I moan softly as my fingers dig in to a particular sore muscle. Slowly the ache subsides and I manage to drag myself in to the bathroom. This time I allow myself the luxury of a long hot bath, hoping it will help me relax.

Splashing some water in to my face I start to remember the things Neroon told me last night. Shitaro’s defenses are weak and his right flank often unguarded. It might be my only chance at defeating him and I’ve got exploit that weakness.

It won’t be long before Dalmar will show up for our next sparring session and I realize I’m looking forward to putting the moves Neroon showed me in to practice.

Focusing inward I find that my fear to face Shitaro has decreased since last night. Neroon strengthened me in my belief that I can confront my demons. "He’s right," I mumble. "I’ve got to tap in to my fear and rage to get the necessary resolve."

Neroon has a way to make the hardest things look easy and I nod my head as I get up to dry my body. Staring in to the mirror I shiver seeing the scars scattered all over my body. The mental scars are invisible but much harder to overcome.

Running my fingers over my chest I cringe, remembering the guards breaking my ribs. A sudden and unexpected rage surfaces at that memory and while staring at my reflection I hiss, "It’s payback time, Shitaro."

I stride in to the dojo clad in one of Neroon’s outfits. Although I brought my own clothes along, wearing Neroon’s strengthens my resolve. It feels like he’s near because his scent still clings to his garments. My pike snaps open and I register the surprised expression on Dalmar’s face. Yesterday he had to persuade me to work out. "I’m ready," I announce and wonder how he’ll react to my new moves.

Dalmar inclines his head, opens his pike as well and attacks. I easily deflect that move and slip in underneath his defenses like Neroon showed me. Seeing the baffled look on Dalmar’s face encourages me. I push on, carrying out an attack of my own and I almost manage to disarm him, but this time Dalmar seems prepared and steps aside so my blow impacts on the floor. "Bugger!" I comment and quickly retreat to safer grounds.

"Marcus," Dalmar says and gestures me to stop. "Who taught you these moves?"

I can’t tell him the truth so I revert to the first thing that comes to mind. "Durhann."

"I doubt that very much," Dalmar whispers. "But should you fight Shitaro in this way, you might win."

"I’m going to win." I state and drive my heels in to the floor. "I’m going to kill him." That admission takes Dalmar aback and he pales visibly.

"I don’t deny that you’ve got every right to end his life," Dalmar says compassionately, "but I fear taking his life won’t help you cope with your past."

"I want to see him in pain!" I exclaim in hate. "I want him to feel what I felt!"

"Marcus," Dalmar says soothingly and closes his pike. "You’re not like him."

I shake my head and aim the butt end of my pike at his brow. "You don’t know me."

"I do know you." Dalmar’s expression grows sad. "I was there when Neroon brought you aboard the Ingata and watched you during your recovery."

The pike falls from my hands and anger boils deep inside my mind. "Shitaro must pay for his crimes!"

"Agreed," Dalmar replies. "But don’t burden your soul by being judge and executioner at the same time."

His words impact hard, and I know he’s right. "He’ll get off easy," I say disgusted. "The Minbari court…"

"Will honor your rights, Marcus." Dalmar smiles gently. "As Neroon’s mate you possess all civil rights as I do. When you step before the Court you’ll be treated like one of our own."

I pick up my pike and close it. As I attach it to my belt I let Dalmar’s words sink in. "I feel cheated."

"I know," Dalmar admits. "I watched Neroon and you and saw your dedication to each other. I miss him too."

At odds with all the contradicting feelings inside my mind I wonder what I need to do to find a way out of this maze. "I don’t know what to feel."

"Why don’t you join your human friend for lunch?" Dalmar suggests kindly. "We’ll continue this session later this afternoon."

I nod my head and bow respectfully. Dalmar immediately answers that gesture and as I leave the dojo I realize I need to talk to someone about my dreams.

In dark places part 41

Marcus

"Did you get enough sleep last night?" Stephen inquires worried as he’s waiting for lunch to be served.

"Yes, I did." I sit down next to him and nod appreciately towards the Minbari female who places a plate filled with food items in front of me.

"You look tired," Stephen says, not yet ready to let this issue rest.

"But it’s a healthy sort of fatigue," I object. "I’ve been working out all day and yesterday when I couldn’t sleep," I say, slipping in a half lie. "But I’m fine, Stephen."

"If you say so." Stephen examines the grilled vegetables on his plate before tasting one.

"Can we talk?" I ask hesitantly, not sure how to introduce my dreams.

"Any time," Stephen says and pushes his plate away from him. "What about?"

"My dreams about Neroon," I whisper softly. "They worry me."

"Why?" Stephen shifts his position.

Looking him in the eyes I shrug my shoulders. "I don’t think they’re healthy. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m losing my mind."

"Why do you say that?" Stephen smiles reassuringly.

"Because… I saw a room in my dreams I’d never been in before and when we arrived here I knew what Neroon’s study looked like before stepping inside…"

"Are you telling me the dreams you have are coming true?" Stephen says alarmed.

"In a certain way," I whisper desperately. "Neroon told me to open the chest in his room and when I did…"

"What did you find?"

"Crystals… I saw Narrier, his former lover and…"

"That upset you, Marcus."

Stephen eyes me carefully and I try avoiding his stare. "Neroon is so fucking real in my dreams. Last night we sparred and… I swear I hit a solid body with my pike and his blows felt awfully real too." Confused, I look towards Stephen for the answer that eludes me. "Please… tell me I’m not losing my mind."

"Marcus, was Neroon a telepath?"

That question stuns me. "No, not to my knowledge. Why ask?"

"I’m only speculating. If he were a teep there might have been some kind of link and that might take some time to fade away." Stephen looks extremely perplexed. "But if he wasn’t a teep… are you sure Neroon is dead?"

"Stephen!" I exclaim shocked. "I watched him die!"

"Well, I don’t doubt your word, but… Minbari tend to act very secretively about matters," Stephen says apologetically.

"No, Neroon is dead," I state convinced. "He would never leave me alone if he were still alive." In a tiny voice I add, "He loved me."

"Then I’ve got no explanation," Stephen whispers. "All I can do is run a neural scan on you and search for anomalies, but the last time I examined you everything was perfectly fine."

"I just don’t understand it," I mumble resigned.

"I can’t find anything wrong with you," Stephen states puzzled after running a few neural scans.

"Then why don’t I feel relieved?" I wonder and get up from the exam platform.

"Do you feel threatened by these dreams in any way?" Stephen wants to know.

"No, that’s not it," I object. "I feel safe when asleep… I just don’t understand why they feel so real!"

"I even ran a scan to ensure you don’t have the teep gene. You’re clean, Marcus."

"Then what’s wrong with me?" I stammer confused.

"Marcus?"

He gestures me to take a seat next to him, but I stubbornly remain standing opposite him. "I asked Neroon why he keeps appearing in my dreams."

"What did he say?"

"That I’m not allowed to question his presence during my sleep," I reply with a grin. "That sounds like Neroon all right!"

"Then maybe you should do just that," Stephen whispers eventually. "You might never get your answer."

I nod my head. "I’ll try. Do you think I should talk to Langar about this?"

"It won’t make things worse if you do," Stephen says reassuringly. "Now that you’re here… how about that burning sensation in your hands and ankles?"

"It’s gone." Clasping my hands behind my back I feel lost. "Stephen…"

"Give it time, Marcus."

That evening I worked my butt off to please Dalmar during our sparring match. I’m resolved to take down Shitaro when the time comes and I won’t rest until I’ve extracted my revenge. I’m going to make sure that he’ll never again hurt another person.

"Marcus, concentrate!"

Dalmar’s admonishing tone gets my attention and I duck away as his pike starts its descent. I’ve got to remain focused in spite of the rage. I can’t allow it to control me! I’ve got to control =it=!

"I’m trying!" I exclaim with gritted teeth! Dalmar closes his pike and his eyes study me closely. I hate it when he does that.

"We’ll continue tomorrow and I suggest you use the remainder of the evening to meditate."

Great! Now I’m being banished from the dojo. "Why?"

"Because your emotions are getting the better of you," Dalmar explains. "And you’re pushing yourself too hard."

"You’re right," I admit reluctantly and I slowly walk towards the doorway. "I’ll try and get a grip on my rage."

Dalmar nods his head approvingly. "If you fail, Shitaro will use that weakness against you."

I remain silent and slowly cover the distance to the meditation area. I’m not sure if I want to be alone, but I don’t think I can stand someone’s company either. Bugger, I hate feeling like this!

Quickly I close the door behind me and start punching the huge pillow, which I picked up from the floor. I need to get this anger out of my system now! As the rage leaves me I start to feel at peace and I sit down, leaning my back against the wall. I repressed this hurt and anger far too long!

"Marcus?"

Hearing Vallo’s voice unexpectedly startles me. "Yes?" I drag myself back on to my feet. Drained, I watch him step inside with an odd mixture of curiosity and hesitance on his face. "What is it?" I ask, letting him know it’s okay to come closer.

"You have a guest."

"Guest?" I repeat fatigued. "Whom are you talking about?" And momentarily I freeze; petrified he’s talking about Shitaro.

"She arrived a few moments ago and demanded to see you at once. I’ve taken the liberty to prepare the guest quarters."

"She?" Trying hard to figure out who the hell he’s talking about, I dash into the corridor. I feel incredibly relieved at hearing it’s not Shitaro. "Does =she= have a name?"

"I saw her onboard Babylon 5, but I don’t remember her name," Vallo admits shyly, "and I forgot to ask her just now."

Paralyzed I halt in my tracks, trying to deal with this new bit of information. "Are you talking about Delenn?" I say hopefully. There’s only one other person he could be referring to and I can’t allow myself to grow hopeful.

"No," Vallo says and smiles, "I know Delenn. This female is a human."

"It can’t be Susan," I whisper in shock and refuse to walk any further. "Why would she come here?"

"She appeared very impatient when I left her," Vallo says. "And she asked specifically to see you at once!"

Dear God, this does sound like Susan and I remember Stephen’s comment that he wouldn’t be surprised if she turned up on Minbar. Briefly I wonder whether I can get away with excusing myself and sending Stephen instead. But no, I’m no coward and maybe she is here for business. Perhaps Delenn sent her. "Please ask Stephen Franklin to join us?" I ask as I reach the entrance to the dining hall.

"Of course," Vallo replies and leaves to get the physician.

It takes me a while to compose myself. "Come on, Cole! You’re not even sure it’s her!" I cautiously peek inside and look at her back as she’s facing away from me. She isn’t in uniform. The blue tunic compliments her and I know it matches her eye color. I nervously clear my throat while stepping inside.

She swirls around and as I lock eyes with her I quickly avert them. I can’t believe she’s actually standing in front of me! Uncertain of what to say or to do I swallow hard and hope my voice sounds steady. "Commander?"

"Susan," she whispers softly.

A lump is forming in my throat and I can’t help blushing. "Susan, why are you here?" I ask hesitantly. As I peek at her face I immediately notice the dark rings underneath her beautiful blue eyes. It looks like she’s had trouble sleeping recently.

"Marcus, I…" she chokes up and her smile changes in to a sad expression. "I let you down when you needed me most."

"What are you talking about?" I reply confused. "You made it very clear that you don’t want to be here, so why did you change your mind?" Her rejection still stings hard.

"I made a mistake," she whispers softly and takes another step. "I thought one more mistake didn’t matter, but I was wrong!"

Lost, I study her watered eyes. I’ve never before seen them swimming with tears. As a matter of fact, Susan never shows her emotions at all, so why start now? "Did Delenn send you?"

"No, I came because I had to see you." Susan briefly closes her eyes and appears to gather her courage. "There’s something I need to tell you."

She’s only a few inches away from me and close enough to touch her face. I back away a few steps, uncertain what she’s up to, but Susan immediately covers the distance. The oddest expression shines from her eyes and I feel cornered. "I can arrange for the Ingata to take you back to the station," I offer, nervous as hell.

"No," she objects determined. "I used my remaining leave of absence to come here."

"Susan, I don’t understand you," I whisper and watch fascinated as her small and elegant fingers close around mine. She’s warm and close. Her scent is intoxicating. I loved her from a distance for so long that I can’t believe she’s this close.

"I want to explain things to you," she says in a sudden emotional tone. "But I need time and don’t you dare interrupt me!"

This is the Susan I’ve come to know and I nod quickly, trying not to piss her off. "Then tell me, Susan."

In dark places part 42

Susan

I can’t take my eyes off him. For so long I doubted my decision to come here, but now that he’s standing in front of me I know Michael was right. I almost made another mistake. Not knowing how to start I envelope his fingers in my hand and relieved I notice Stephen managed to fix them.

Marcus is avoiding my eyes and I can’t blame him. He must be terribly confused right now. The last thing he remembers is me telling Stephen off. How can I explain what happened to me since then?

"I don’t know how to start," I admit and rub my fingertips over the palm of his hand. "Marcus, please look at me." I need to see the expression in his eyes!

"That’s the first time ever that you used the word please," Marcus whispers.

Do I hear an amused tone in his voice? But as he raises his head I see his eyes are watering as well. I can’t remember the last time I cried… was it after finding out the truth about Talia? Or when John had disappeared at Z’ha’dum? Does it matter?

"Don’t mock me," I berate him softly and wonder how the hell I’m going to explain my change of heart to him.

"I’m sorry," Marcus adds quickly.

I grab hold of this other hand and press them together in front of my chest. This is the hardest confession I’ll ever make. "I know you’re in love with me," I start resolved. Marcus remains quiet and I appreciate it that he’s giving me all the time I need to unburden my soul. "But I chose to ignore it."

"Why?" is all what Marcus asks.

"Because," I stutter, "I was afraid of getting hurt again. You must understand!" I exclaim pleadingly. "Everyone I’ve ever loved left me! My mother, Ganya, Talia… and when you returned from that last mission… I was afraid you were going to leave me as well! I couldn’t take the risk of telling you the truth!"

"You said, you =were= afraid?" Marcus asks curiously.

We make eye contact and I nod my head. "I talked to Michael the night you left. I felt… alone, abandoned and Michael made me realize I was the one letting this happen!" I kept these emotions locked away for so long that I’m afraid they’re going to run me over, so I turn about and quickly walk away from him.

"Susan?" Marcus whispers pleadingly. "Just what are you trying to tell me?"

"I want another shot at happiness dammit!" I exclaim. "Stephen offered me that chance when he asked me to go to Minbar with you and I refused! I refused because I was scared! There, I’ve said it. Deep down the hard nosed Commander is scared!"

"Susan, I’m scared too."

Marcus obviously doesn’t know whether he should come after me or not. I wish I knew how to say; I love you, but I can’t… not yet. "I care about you, Marcus."

"I care about you too, Susan," Marcus whispers and smiles weakly.

"It goes beyond that, doesn’t it?" I say challenging him. Maybe if he says the words first I won’t have such a hard time speaking them as well.

"Yes, I love you," Marcus admits shyly.

I love the way his blush spreads all over his face. "And you were scared too, weren’t you? Scared that I would reject your love?" Marcus nods his head and I’ve got my answer. "And you were right, you know. I wouldn’t have let you in."

"What changed?" Marcus asks as revelation hits him.

"What changed…?" I repeat and look outside. The sun has started to set and the view is marvellous. It’s been a lifetime since I saw real air, real sun… a real moon. "After I left Michael behind in the Zocalo I realized I had to do a lot of soul searching."

Hesitantly Marcus moves a little closer. Disbelief shines from his eyes and I can’t blame him. "I realized that if I wanted another chance I had to fight for it. For a long time I… allowed people to take advantage of me, at least that’s the way I see it now."

"And you wanted to make sure that it would never happen again," Marcus finishes saddened.

"Yes," I confirm and look in to his green eyes. They appear troubled and I sense his mental pain. Quickly I back away before I unconsciously dive in to his mind. One day I’ll have to tell him that I’m a telepath.

Drawing myself away from my musings I realize I need to take that first step now. The rest will follow later. Can I open up to him? Tell him my darkest fears? "I raised my walls and kept you outside," I start awkwardly.

"I had some pretty high walls myself," Marcus says in an attempt to lighten the tone of the conversation.

"I know you had your reasons for keeping people at a distance." My mouth has gone dry, but I refuse to give up on him now. "I managed to get my hands on your file."

"You did?" Marcus quips.

This time I’m sure I hear an amused tone. "You don’t mind?"

"I must admit I read yours too," Marcus whispers and the carefree tone has disappeared.

"I would have been surprised if you hadn’t." I admit and wonder what will bridge the distance between us. Maybe I should stop analysing and explaining everything and react on impulse, but I’ve never been good at acting on my feelings. What if I screw up?

"Why are you here?" Marcus asks in a soft tone.

I return to stand opposite him and wonder if I’m ready to hug him… or is that too big a step? There’s only one way to find out. "Marcus, I want you to hold me."

"Why, Susan?"

His big eyes are begging me to speak the truth. He won’t settle for less and he deserves it. "Because… "Dammit… I want to say the words, but… "I’m falling in love with you," I say eventually chickening out.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes," I admit and feel like a coward. "I need to time to…"

"I understand," Marcus replies tenderly, "So do I. We’ll take this slow… very slow."

I smile relieved. We both have to get to terms with our past, but we made a beginning. We still have a long way ahead of us.

I mentally cringe at the slow and cautious way Marcus wraps his arms around me. Is it just uncertainty, which is making him act in this way? Stephen mentioned Marcus was tortured, but he never gave us any specifics. There are many methods to torture a defenceless prisoner.

I’ve got this feeling that I know what they did to Marcus. The way he reacted back on Babylon 5 and this reluctance to make actual physical contact reveals enough. I wonder how deep the hurt goes. My hands remain at my sides, but I rest my head against his shoulder and savor this moment. "We can do this, Marcus. Together we can defeat the ghosts of our past."

Marcus trembles, a certain sign his painful past is still too livid to be dealt with yet. "I won’t let you down again," I promise and ignore hearing a door open. No one is going to take this eternal moment away from me.

"I’ll try and be there for you, Susan, but…"

As I look up his eyes release a tear. "I understand that this is hard on you, Marcus and one day you’ll find the strength to tell me everything. I can wait."

"You? Being patient?" Marcus says in disbelief. "Are you the real Susan Ivanova?"

"Yes," I reply, "this is the real me. I’ve been hiding for so long I almost forgot who I really am."

"Thank you," Marcus says in an emotional tone. "Thank you for this gift."

"What gift?" I ask as I wipe the tear from his face.

"Trusting me, opening op… coming here to be with me. I never expected that," Marcus explains honestly. "You’ll have to be patient with me."

I understand what he’s trying to say, but I don’t want to embarrass him by speaking it out aloud. "We’ll take this slow," I repeat and inhale his scent.

"I’m sorry to break this up guys, but…"

"Stephen!" I mumble beneath my breath. I should have know…

"I bet Marcus you’d show up," Stephen states determined.

I refuse to let go of the embrace and seeing Marcus’ twinkling eyes assures me he feels comfortable as well. "Couldn’t leave us alone, now could you, Stephen!" Turning around in the embrace I place my hands on Marcus’ arms, so he can’t pull away. "Don’t you ever get tired of being right, Stephen?" I quip and smile in response to his grin.

"Not really," Stephen replies. "I guess this means I can return to Babylon 5 now that my replacement has arrived?"

Marcus’ breathing pauses briefly and it tells me he isn’t ready to say good-bye to our friend yet. "You can stay a little longer… provided you behave!"

It’s unbelievable how relieved and lightheaded I feel right now. I still can’t believe I opened up to Marcus. Maybe I should have tried earlier, but… the time never seemed right.

"Don’t forget your daily check at 1700 hours," Stephen says, and chuckling vanishes in to the corridor.

As I turn to face Marcus I take in his facial expression. I must look similarly shocked. "So what are we going to do next?"

"Talk," Marcus says softly.

He walks me over to the dining table and asks me to sit down. I comply and wonder about his stern complexion. "What about?" I ask confused.

"About the next 5 days of my life," Marcus whispers barely audible.

Startled I move closer and he allows me to re-establish contact as I touch his hand. "You look… scared." I almost chickened out saying that, but I don’t know another word that would fit his expression.

"In… 5 days I’ll be facing…Shitaro."

Marcus flinches speaking that name and I don’t need telepathy to know he’s in mental pain. Unwillingly I focus on it and realize it’s mostly shame eating away at him. "Shitaro… isn’t that the warrior Delenn wanted eliminated?" I summarize, remembering parts of the conversations I had with Delenn.

"He captured and… questioned me," Marcus whispers and lowers his eyes to stare at the table.

"Shitaro did this to you?" I ask and can’t control my trembling hands. "He better stay away from me then or…" I envision various ways of ending his life and wonder which way will feel most rewarding.

"He’s standing trial," Marcus whispers, "and they want me to take the stand."

"Are you going to do it?"

"Yes, he can’t be allowed to do the same thing to others." Everything is happening a little too fast and I need to slow things down. "But we still have 5 days left?"

"Yes, I’ve worked out a lot to get back in to shape," Marcus says and then freezes.

"What? What are you hiding from me?" I’ve seen that look in his eyes before. He’s feeling uncomfortable because he doesn’t know how I’m going to react.

"I’m going to challenge Shitaro to the death," Marcus whispers softly.

Leaning back I shake my head. "You can’t be serious!"

"I need to do this, Susan. I’ve got to face him or else I’ll always be afraid of running into him unexpectedly."

Shocked, I mentally review his admission. If Shitaro had done this to me I’d probably react in the same way and I fight down my hurt. "You could die fighting him."

Marcus doesn’t reply and I realize how much it would mean to him if I supported him in this. I made my choice to stand beside him and I’m not going to give up this easily. "You better defeat him, Marcus!"

"You can make the difference… your support," Marcus admits in a shy tone.

"You’ve got it," I say and love seeing his stunned smile. "Maybe I should personally supervise your training," I quip.

"Oh no!" Marcus exclaims. "I’ve already got one personal trainer and I’m not sure I’d survive your training methods!"

Marcus slowly rubs the back of my hand and I lean in closer to brush his lips.

In dark places part 43

Marcus

Her action surprises the hell out of me and I stare at her in blank confusion. The moment her lips touch mine I stun myself by actually answering the kiss and brushing her lips in response, then I hastily retreat. Her eyes grow big as I distance myself from her. I still need to address one more matter before I can start a new relationship. "I haven’t told you everything," I say weakly.

Susan raises an eyebrow, but remains silent. I hope that’s meant to encourage me to speak up. But how to label the relationship I had with Neroon? Were we lovers or…

"I don’t know how to say this," I whisper and swallow hard as her fingers rub my knuckles reassuringly. I don’t deserve her!

"I’m sure you’ll find a way," Susan says and smiles.

"It’s about Neroon." I’m not even sure whether she’s ever heard his name.

"The Minbari who rescued you?"

"Yes," I quickly confirm, surprised she remembered that. "We… became more than friends at a certain point."

Susan inclines her head and says, "Lovers?"

"No, not really I guess. He died before…" I can’t finish that sentence as emotions overwhelm me. "But I loved him."

"I see," Susan whispers.

Her smile is awkward and I wonder if this changes matters between us. Quickly I try to explain things to her. "I needed someone to love me and he did. I still have dreams about him in which he’s alive." There’s no more turning back now and I stare at our joined hands. "I watched him die."

"I’m so sorry," Susan says sincerely. "Delenn mentioned something like that, but at the time I wasn’t really paying close attention. I was too busy trying to sort out my own feelings."

"I still miss him."

Susan sighs deeply and I grow tense, apprehensively waiting for her to speak up. I hope she isn’t going to turn her back on me because of this. I’ve never understood this woman and I probably never will.

"Losing a lover is hard," she says eventually. "When Talia showed her true colors I lost her as well. It’s okay, Marcus."

I’ve seldom felt this relieved! Susan seems to understand what I’m trying to say in my awkward way.

She looks tired and I wonder how long it’s been since she got some sleep. "I completely forgot my manners…" I say embarrassed by the situation. "I’m sure you’d like to take a bath and freshen up."

"I would like that," Susan admits.

"Vallo will show you your quarters… I’m afraid I don’t know the place that well." As on cue, Vallo appears and I distinctly notice the sly grin on his face. Has he been hiding somewhere and listening to our conversation? I decide to ask him later in private.

"Follow me," Vallo says and waits patiently near the exit.

Susan and I get up simultaneously and suddenly I realize she’s still holding my hand. I can’t imagine what a big step this must have been for her. I feel proud and slightly flattered because she chose me after all. Mentally I vow to never let her down.

"What time is dinner?" Susan asks as she makes her way over to Vallo.

"2100 hours," I reply, "It’s more of a midnight snack really."

"And Doctor Franklin asked me to remind you that you’ve got an appointment with him for a physical, Marcus," Vallo remarks as he studies Susan who just passed him by.

"I will be there," I whisper annoyed. Stephen is quickly becoming a nuisance with his constant need to check on me.

As Susan and Vallo disappear in to the corridor I suddenly realize I’m trembling. She actually came for me! Shaking my head I smile and whisper a soft thank you to Mr. Garibaldi for talking some sense in that thickheaded woman!

I can’t concentrate during the rest of the evening and I even let Stephen poke my body and fuss over me without calling him a big nag. My thoughts are with Susan and the fact that this incredible gorgeous woman took her remaining leave of absence to come to Minbar.

"Franklin to Marcus, do you read me?" Stephen quips amused and grins broadly.

"Hum, yes? What did you say?" I quickly reply, having no clue what he just said.

"You’re a lost case," Stephen remarks, "Susan already has a tight hold on you!"

"She put me under her spell the first time I saw her," I sigh.

"You’re a classic romantic…" Stephen chuckles and switches off the scanner. "Except from being lovesick you’re in an excellent condition."

"I feel a bit weird," I admit in a guilty tone. "It’s only been weeks since Neroon… This is happening so bloody fast!"

"Don’t worry too much about it, Marcus," Stephen advises in a friendly tone. "Susan will want to take things slow too. This is also a major commitment on her part and probably one she never thought she’d ever make. "

"She said that herself," I reply and get to my feet. Disdainfully I stare at the exam platform and medical equipment. "Do I really have to come in every day?"

"Yes," Stephen states determined. "I want to keep a close eye on you."

That tone means I can’t change his mind and I resign myself to my fate. "Are you joining us for dinner?"

"What would you like me to say to that?" Stephen says amused and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

"I’m not sure," I mumble. "One part of me craves being alone with her, but the other… feels cornered and embarrassed."

"Embarrassed?" Stephen repeats questioningly. "Why?"

"What if Susan might want to get intimate at some point?" I say in a hoarse tone. "And…"

"Hey, give her some credit. Susan probably figured out a long time ago what happened to you," Stephen sighs worried. "You’re forgetting that she cares about you. Susan won’t push you."

Still not completely reassured I want to object somehow, but can’t find the words, because deep down in my heart I know Stephen’s right. But knowing Susan realized I was sexually assaulted isn’t reassuring at all. I quickly change the topic of our conversation. "So are you joining us for dinner?"

"No, I don’t think so," Stephen says thoughtfully. "The two of you have a lot to discuss."

But we’re eating dinner in silence. Somehow we both don’t know what to say and feel awkward being here together. I’m getting desperate to find a way to break the ice once and for all. In the end I decide to make that first move.

"I kept those roses," I say softly and wonder why she decided to show up in a black velvet gown. I can’t remember seeing her wear one before. But she definitely tried looking her best. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling that shy! The black dress reveals all her curves and the velvet tightly clings to her skin. Her long hair is loose and curling towards the ends.

"The ones I flung at you?" Susan asks amused. "Corwin said he’d found them at my doorstep and when Stephen told me you wanted a second chance with me…"

"When did he say that?" I place my fork and knife on the plate and feel content just observing her.

"After you discovered the Vindrizi," Susan replies and takes a sip of the berry juice the Minbari traditionally serve with this dish.

"I never left roses at your doorstep," I say honestly. "It might have been Corwin, chickening out when you opened the door. He fancies you, Susan." I noticed his admiring glance whenever Susan was around.

"Corwin?" Susan repeats confused. "I always assumed…"

"Ah, so you wanted =me= to give you roses?" I quip quickly. "I’m not sure the rangers can smuggle roses on to Minbar, but I can try."

Susan smiles and empties her glass. "No, that’s not necessary."

She’s sitting opposite of me at the dining table and now she’s slowly getting to her feet. As she comes closer I notice the flowery fragrance of her perfume. "I didn’t know you liked wearing gowns," I remark, as she comes to a standstill at my side.

"Are there any gardens near?" Susan says softly.

I try to swallow down the lump in my throat as I struggle to my feet. "You once told me you loved gardens and… big four poster beds."

"I still like them."

She takes my hand in hers and I hesitantly wrap my arm around her waist. "Do you also like waterfalls?"

"Sure," Susan sighs content.

It’s the strangest feeling as she presses her body against mine. I explore the soft skin underneath my fingertips. Locks of her hair seem to caress my face and I secretly press a kiss on a lock as she rests her head on my shoulder.

We slowly make our way to the waterfalls while Susan tells me about her family. It tears my heart apart to hear about her mother’s suicide and losing her brother in battle. I want to tell her I understand what she went through, thinking back to Willie, but this is her time to open up and I offer her silent support.

I pull her with me as I sit down near the waterfalls. Susan snuggles up to me and continues to tell me about her past. It’s like she can’t stop now that she started and I suspect that’s the truth. She kept it inside for so long and now that the hurt has found a way out she has to get it all outside.

Malcolm. I immediately dislike the man and after hearing how he played her on the station I’m relieved to hear she exposed him for what he really was. But when she mentions Talia tears run down her cheeks. It takes her a while to tell me about the telepath and I realize the hurt is still very fresh to her.

"Your turn," Susan whispers unexpectedly.

I choke up. "I can’t… not yet," I say apologetically. "I’m sorry."

Susan looks up. Her head rests in my lap and her hands are playing with my hair. I maintain eye contact, needing to know if my answer hurt her. But she nods her head and smiles weakly.

"I’ll wait until you’re ready, Marcus."

Nervously, I lick my lips, wondering if I can get away with kissing her. As she moves about I’m offered a splendid view of her breasts, which threaten to break free from their confines. This low-necked dress… did she chose it on purpose?

"You want to kiss me… I see it in your eyes," Susan mumbles sensually. "Kiss me, Marcus."

Leaning in closer I cup the back of her head in my hand and brush her lips softly. This is all I can give her right now and I quickly retreat, feeling miserable for leading her on. "We should return to the house. It can get cold at night."

Susan nods her head. "Yes, we should do that," and gets to her feet.

She pulls me along and I reverently kiss the back of her hand.

Several moments later we arrive at her quarters. She’s leaning against the door and obviously studying me. What’s going on in that mind of hers?

"Want to come inside?" she asks eventually.

Lost for words I shake my head. I’m not ready to take this step. "Perhaps tomorrow," I reply, hating to disappoint her.

"You always assume the worst!" Susan chuckles suddenly.

I realize she’s setting me up for something and weary I wait for her to continue.

"I only want you to rig my platform! I can’t sleep on those horrible tilted beds!"

Relieved, I release a sigh. I completely forgot about that. "Sure. I’ll rig it for you." Susan opens the door and lets me enter first. Immediately I head for the bathroom, pick up a towel and press it in to the platform’s mechanism. "Voila!" I exclaim triumphantly.

"Thanks," Susan says and sneaks closer. "Now you deserve another kiss."

"Susan?" Hesitantly I allow her to fold her arms around me.

"Only a goodnight kiss," she says reassuringly.

Still a bit tense I answer the kiss. Susan’s tongue suddenly nudges my lips apart. "Su…" I start and that’s what she must have counted on as her tongue quickly slithers inside and starts exploring my mouth.

In dark places part 44

Marcus

I can’t do this yet and quickly I disentangle myself from her, mumbling a sincere apology and dash out of the room. Short of breath I lean against the wall, listening for the door to open again. Susan is probably mad at me for running away like that, and rightly so!

But the door remains closed and I hope she’ll forgive me for leaving her behind like that. I didn’t even dare to look at her face as I fled her presence. I feel bad, guilty and slowly start making my way to my quarters, though tonight I’m not looking forward to falling asleep. The last person I want to face is Neroon.

Although he encouraged me in my dreams to pursue Susan I wonder how he’ll react tonight. Confused, I start to realize that I look upon Neroon as if he’s still alive. I’m actually concerned about dreaming about a dead person! This can’t be healthy behavior!

"Neroon is dead!" I mumble softly as I close the door behind me. Here, in his quarters it feels like blasphemy to pronounce that truth. It’s like he still resides here, watching me, watching =over= me! I take to pacing the room and briefly consider going downstairs to work out in the dojo, but I’m drained and lack all necessary energy, so I dismiss that option.

Instead I take a quick shower and slip into my sweats. Sitting on the platform I muse about Susan who’s only a few minutes away in the same building. "She’s here. She’s actually here!" I whisper aloud and catch myself grinning sheepishly. I never believed Stephen’s optimism was justified.

"I’m just a bloody pessimist!" I chuckle and lie down. In spite of everything my eyes start to close the moment my body makes contact with the platform. Emotionally, this has drained me immensely.

"I don’t want to dream tonight," I whisper suddenly depressed, afraid of Neroon’s appearance. But as I drift off I realize I might not have a say in this matter.

"You’re suffering from a guilty conscience? Why?" Neroon asks mystified.

Quickly I look around and realize I’m back on the Ingata. I shiver seeing Neroon’s expression, which I can’t decipher. "Because I feel like I’m betraying you."

"I told you to pursue the human female. Why do you feel guilty?"

I bow my head as Neroon cups my chin in his hand. Once again I inhale his scent and I’m stunned by his physical closeness. I know it’s just a dream and that he’s dead, but… "I feel like I’m desecrating your home."

"No, Marcus. There’s no need to feel like that," Neroon says in a soft tone. "I want you to be happy and if she makes you feel complete then you’ve got my blessing."

Confused I stare in to his dark eyes. "You’re a mystery to me."

"Good!" Neroon says amused and backs away. "This means you don’t need me any more," he adds a little saddened, yet his eyes shine with relief. "She’ll make your life complete and I can finally get some rest!"

Those last words make me cringe though his tone indicates he’s comfortable with this situation. Briefly I panic. "I don’t want you to go away. I still need you."

"No, you don’t," Neroon replies in a berating tone and nods his head. "Dalmar will show you how to defeat Shitaro and your new lover will take my place."

"She can’t replace you," I whisper startled, "Susan is a different person and I loved you in a way I can never love her." Damn! This makes no sense and I notice Neroon’s confusion. "I mean… I love you in one way and Susan in another. I love both of you!" Mentally exhausted I drop to my knees. Neroon sits on his heels in front of me.

"Why are you tearing yourself apart because of this? Yes, every person differs, and yes, that’s why you love them in different ways. Marcus, that’s only logical!"

Hungry for his approval I devour his eyes. "Are you serious?"

"I loved Narrier," Neroon states and seems to ponder something. "But the devotion and affection I feel for you is entirely different. Accept your feelings and use this chance at love and happiness and let me go. Your dreams should be about her!"

"Neroon, thank you," I whisper. My heart pounds frantically as his form fades away underneath my fingertips. "No," I exclaim, hoping he’ll return to me, but a moment later I’m all alone. Neroon will never again appear in my dreams and I cry softly at the loss.

The next morning I drag myself in to the bathroom to take a shower. Listlessly I watch the water drops crawl down my skin. Vividly remembering last night’s dream I feel like Neroon has thrown me in to the deep.

I chose to dress in black pants and one of my turtle necked shirts and slip in to my boots. Looking in the mirror I study my eyes. They reflect my confusion and as I leave my quarters to get breakfast I remember Susan will be there as well.

I enter the hall and realize Stephen and Susan are already eating and talking lividly. I catch my name and wish I knew what’s going on.

"Marcus, come join us!" Stephen says with a smile on his face.

I grab a dish and place several food items on it. Sitting down I observe Susan who’s once more wearing her blue tunic. "Did you sleep well?" I inquire and avoid her eyes.

"Yes," Susan replies in a cheerful tone and exchanges a glance with Stephen.

"I’ve got some good news for you," Stephen starts.

"Good news? Did your medical equipment short circuit?" I say jokingly and concentrate on the food.

"I’m leaving tonight. Delenn sent a White Star, which will pick me up. Looks like they can’t do without me on the station."

My fork drops on to the plate with a bang. I’m not sure how to feel about this, but I know Stephen has neglected his duties far too long to look after me. It’s a miracle they didn’t order him back earlier. "Are you leaving too?" I ask Susan and dread the answer.

"No, I’m staying a little longer… until after your encounter with Shitaro."

Mentally I say a silent prayer and smile weakly.

"Langar will carry out your daily checks from now on," Stephen says and leans back, wiping his lips with a napkin. "Do me a favor and behave for a change?"

"I always behave!" I object and feel saddened losing his company. "I’ll miss having you around."

"We’ll keep in touch, Marcus." Stephen gets to his feet and says, " I need to get packing, Marcus."

"You’ll stop by before you’ll leave?" I ask quickly.

Stephen nods his head. "Of course I will! After all you’re my favorite patient!"

As we reach the end of another exhausting training session I notice Susan slip inside the dojo and take a seat on the floor. I tell myself to keep focused, but I fail. It does tell me one thing. I can’t concentrate on fighting when she’s around. I hope she isn’t planning on accompanying me to the trial.

"We’ll stop now," Dalmar says and closes his pike. "I expect you to be here at sunrise."

I bow and Dalmar leaves after casting a look at Susan who got up and is now walking over to me.

"I never realized how taxing pike fighting must be!" Susan smiles and adds in a mischievous tone, "I prefer a PPG."

"Why am I not surprised?" I reply and am hesitant to touch her after working out. I’m sweaty and my clothes are damp from my workout. Valen only knows what I smell like!

"You definitely need a shower!" Susan states.

She’s now circling me and I’ve got no idea what she’s up to.

"I want to walk in the gardens with you =after= you cleaned up!"

"Making demands already?" I quip in return and desperately think of a way to get back at her. "I’ll oblige you, milady," I whisper and bow, ‘if you wear that dress again tonight!"

Susan licks her lips and cocks her head. "You’ve got a deal, Cole!"

Susan wraps an arm around my waist as we enter the garden. She fits perfectly against my body and I love feeling her pulse underneath my fingertips.

"Marcus, do you think you’ll ever return to Babylon 5?" she says unexpectedly.

Her question briefly stuns me. "Let’s sit down here?" I suggest and she leans her back against my chest. I fold my arms around her and rest my head on her shoulder. "I hope so," I say in the end.

"What would it take?"

"Defeating Shitaro," I realize. "Neroon once told me I’d regain my sense of self worth by facing Shitaro in combat and he was right."

Susan changes her position until her hands clasp my arms. "Shitaro… you must hate him."

"I try hard not to think of him," I stutter ashamed. "But yes, I hate him. I want him to suffer the same humiliation he made me go through, but I can’t have that."

"Marcus?" Susan turns in the embrace. "Can you tell me what he did to you?"

Looking in to her calm eyes I use them as an anchor in this emotional storm about to sweep through me. "I feel ashamed, " I try to explain to her.

"You didn’t do anything wrong," Susan says soothingly. "From what Delenn told me I gather Shitaro is a sadistic pervert who feeds on the fear of his prisoners."

Her words make me cringe. "Susan, please."

"No, Marcus. I want you to stop blaming yourself for what he did to you. I see pain in your eyes and I accept that, but nothing justifies the =shame= that you feel!"

"Susan, I love you," I whisper and brush her lips. "But I need time."

"You have it, but you’ve got to stop running, Marcus."

"I will, when I face Shitaro at court," I promise. "We’ve got 3 days until I’ve got to leave and I want you to stay here."

"Stay?" Susan exclaims indignantly. "I’m coming with you!"

"No," I state determined, "You’ll distract me and Shitaro will exploit that weakness. Please, Susan, I don’t want you to hear my testimony."

"Why?" she asks baffled.

"Because they’ll want to hear details to make sure I’m not lying," I say in a tiny voice. "Please?"

"You’re calling the shots."

Susan’s reply surprises me and I raise an eyebrow.

"I can’t force you to take me along," Susan says sulking slightly. "But I want you to know I would have."

"I know," I reply and kiss her lips. "And I love you even more for accepting me for what I am, Susan." Now that this is settled I surrender to her closeness and allow her to deepen the kiss. This time I willingly open my teeth to grant her entry.

In dark places part 45

Marcus

As the impressive building that houses the High Court of Yedor appears I try to hang on to the little composure I’ve got left. I manage to focus on Susan’s eyes, which I locked firmly in my memory. I hate leaving her behind, but I still think it’s best this way. I’ve got concentrate on taking down Shitaro.

"We’re starting landing procedures," Dalmar says in a calm tone.

Nervous I take turns looking at my companions. Vallo, Langar and Dalmar were determined to accompany me and wouldn’t except no for an answer. In retrospect I’m glad they refused to listen to my pleas. Having them close makes me feel a little bit safer. The real test will be looking Shitaro in the eyes and not caving in.

"Understood," I reply and straighten out my ranger cloak. At the request of the Court I dressed in my uniform. It feels weird wearing it again. I’m also wearing the necklace Neroon gave me. It serves as a reminder as to why I’m actually doing this. Sometimes I manage to block out the worst memories concerning my captivity, as they become too painful, but not today.

"Do you want us close?" Langar asks concerned.

"Yes," I quickly confirm. "I’m not that brave. Don’t leave me alone with Shitaro!"

"Are you still determined to challenge him?" Dalmar inquires as he lands the shuttle.

"Yes," I hiss, "and I will beat him!"

The three Minbari stay at my side as we make our way through the corridors of the glass like structure. Thankfully Langar leads the way. Now as the moment of truth approaches I’m getting cold feet. I trained hard to get back in to shape, but I fear I’ll freeze up the moment I see Shitaro’s face.

"What do they expect me to do?" I ask Langar who seems to have inside information as he leads us straight to a conference room. Dalmar cautiously watches everyone who passes by and his alertness is starting to work on my nerves.

"Hirano, one of Shitaro’s former guards spoke earlier of his crimes. The Court probably wants to know whether you agree to his testimony and if you want to add anything."

"Will Shitaro be there?"

"Not yet," Langar replies, completely in control of his emotions. "First the Court will judge his actions. Only when they proclaim their verdict in public Shitaro will be present."

Relieved, I draw in a few deep breaths. I just received more time to mentally prepare myself for the ultimate confrontation. A metal door opens and Langar gestures me to step inside first.

The room itself is an example of Minbari sparseness. A player and a number of crystals are displayed on a metallic desk. Next to the desk stands an elderly Minbari dressed in brown robes. His facial hair briefly reminds me of Shitaro’s visage. Thankfully the colored glass warms the office. Only now I notice the three Minbari warriors in the corner of the room. Seeing their uniforms I sigh relieved realizing Shitaro isn’t among them.

"Greetings," the elderly Minbari says. "My name is Yzil and I’m the chairman during this trial."

I nod my head and look at Langar for support. The healer smiles and I feel reassured by his presence.

"Let me introduce the others to you." Yzil gestures towards the three warriors. "Regrettably they do not speak Standard."

I bite my lip, trying not to show my unease and I wish this part were already done.

"As is custom three clan leaders were selected to judge our brother’s crimes. They represent the Star Riders, the Fire Wings and the Night Walkers."

Awkwardly I bow and they return the gesture. I’ve heard of the different warrior clans during training but I never expected to ever meet their leaders! "I’m Marcus," I whisper eventually.

"We know," Yzil says politely.

After Vallo, Dalmar and Langar introduced themselves, Yzil takes my arm and leads me to the desk. I dislike being touched, but feel too intimidated to speak up, afraid I’m overreacting. But being in a room with several Minbari warriors is unnerving.

At his gesture a second door opens and I freeze in my tracks recognizing the man who now enters the room. "It’s you," I stutter embarrassed. "You brought me water and…" Suddenly I remember Neroon’s words. "You contacted Neroon, asking him to help me escape."

"Yes, I did," Hirano replies in Standard. "I couldn’t stand by and watch Shitaro… torture you."

"We wrote down Hirano’s statement, " Yzil says and picks up a crystal. "We realize that this brings back painful memories on your part. I suggest you read his statement over first. Then you can write down your own."

I look questioningly at Langar. Does this mean I won’t have to tell my story in public?

"We will leave you alone now," Yzil states and inserts one crystal. "Or would you like someone to remain present?"

I need a moment to think that one over and I’m not sure what to reply. I do realize I need to do this right the first time around. "Hirano, will you stay?" I want our testimonies to match.

Hirano nods his head and waits for Yzil’s approval. As the chairman doesn’t object Hirano lowers his eyes.

After they’ve left I hesitantly approach Hirano. He’s the only eyewitness who can testify to what Shitaro did to me and ashamed I start to feel nauseous. My former determination to confront Shitaro is fading fast. Maybe challenging him to death is foolish and I should abort that plan.

"Take your time, Marcus," Hirano says as the screen shows the first page of his statement.

My knees give out on me and I take a seat. Slowly, I read each line carefully. I flinch reading his report and everything comes back to me in a flash, the thirst and hunger, the lights and darkness that completely disorientated me, those first beatings and then…

"Shitaro and his guards sexually assaulted the human prisoner several times." Reading it aloud is less frightening than keeping quiet. "You witnessed that too?" I stammer.

"Yes," Hirano confirms, staring hard at the floor. "I hoped Alit Neroon would appear in time to stop it."

"He did eventually," I admit and clench my hands into fists in a vain attempt to keep back my tears. "I owe you my life," I realize and refuse to look at the screen. Hirano covered every gruelling detail of Shitaro’s abuse.

"I only contacted Alit Neroon. =He= was the one who managed to get you off Shitaro’s war cruiser. I heard he died and… I want to offer you my sincere sympathy at that loss. I always respected him."

"Let’s get this over with. Where do I sign?" I state emotionally. I want to return to Susan and never again be reminded of my past. Hirano shows me the scrolls and I sign them. Impatiently I get to my feet. "What’s going to happen next?"

Hirano steps outside and a moment later Yzil appears. I clasp my hands behind my back; afraid their trembling will give me away. "His report is correct," I say and watch Yzil’s depressed eyes.

"It pains me that one of us is capable of such crimes," Yzil says. "Shitaro’s punishment will be in proportion to his loathsome actions."

"What are you going to do to him?" I want to know and back away a few steps as the three Minbari warriors enter to collect the scrolls and crystals. Silently they leave without muttering a single word.

"That’s for the council to decide," Yzil says, pointing at the three Minbari clan leaders who now disappear in to the corridor.

"But… " Speechless I sink back in to the chair. Reading Hirano’s report brought back memories I managed to lock out.

"They will strip Shitaro of his rank, but that’s hardly satisfactory regarding his crimes," Yzil reveals eventually.

I know my moment has come, and in an ice-cold tone I state, "I want to challenge Shitaro to Denn’sha. It is my right to try and reclaim my honor."

"Yes," Yzil says and sits down as well. "I heard about you taking on Neroon one cycle ago. You defeated him on philosophical grounds. Shitaro however, has nothing to lose and =will= fight to the death."

"It’s my right to challenge him and you won’t deny me!" I snarl, as my chance to restore my honor vanishes. "I want him!"

"Don’t misunderstand me," Yzil whispers in a similar tone, "had Shitaro done this to me I would seek vengeance as well, but… as a human you will be at a disadvantage during battle."

"I can beat him! Ask Dalmar," I reply, getting desperate. Yzil studies me and I force myself not to avert my eyes. I’ve got to convince him.

"I’ll grant you that opportunity," he says eventually. "The council will proclaim their verdict tomorrow and Shitaro will be present. At the moment he’s in custody and well guarded."

"Thank you." Relieved, I rise from the chair and search for the pike, which I attached to my belt before coming here. "I’ll be there."

I can’t sleep during the night. One reason is the blasted tilted platform; the other is the prospect of facing Shitaro in a few hours. Desperate to get some rest before the pike fight I try willing myself in to sleep. Of course that doesn’t work.

A knock on the door startles me. "Who is it?"

"Hirano."

Quickly I get to my feet. Old habits die-hard and I slip my pike into my right hand. Ever since I arrived here I’ve felt jumpy. "You can come inside."

The door slowly opens and Hirano steps inside. "I want to apologize for not standing up against Alit Shitaro," he says in a guilty tone. "But he held total power onboard the vessel."

It’s obvious he feels miserable for not defending me. "Hirano," I say awkwardly, "I know your hands were tied."

"Thank you," Hirano bows and stares at the floor. "Be careful in battle tomorrow. Shitaro doesn’t fight with honor."

"He’ll try to cheat?" I nod my head. "Dalmar will make sure that won’t happen."

Hirano is about to leave as he adds one more comment. "I hope you’ll defeat him tomorrow."

"So do I," I admit.

After he’s left I return to the tilted bed. This time sleep overwhelms me as I fantasize about challenging Shitaro and defeating him!

"Are you ready to go?" Dalmar inquires a bit worried.

"Yes, I am," I reply determined. I shed my cloak as it would only hamper me during the fight and when I woke up this morning I practised the moves Neroon showed me in my dreams nights ago. "Let’s do this."

"I’ll be close at all time," Dalmar whispers. "Vallo will also be present."

"Good." It’s reassuring to know that I won’t be on my own in there.

Dalmar leads me to a large hall and I immediately recognize Yzil, now dressed in white robes. I’m still not sure about the position he holds within the warrior cast and something tells me I might never find out.

I also recognize the three Minbari clan leaders I briefly saw yesterday, but several other warriors have joined them. I estimate that between 15 and twenty people are present, but there’s still no sign of Shitaro.

"Marcus?"

Yzil gestures me to stand next to him and I obey, as nervousness sneaks up on me. I spy Hirano at the back of the room and Vallo now joins him. Seeing so many people who want me to succeed strengthens my resolve. Inwardly concentrating on the upcoming fight I try to steady myself.

"Bring in Shitaro," Yzil commands.

I suck in my breath and wonder how I will react seeing his face, hearing that voice. The thought alone is enough to make me shiver.

Doors open and hard footfalls tell me he’s approaching me. I try and postpone looking at him, but in the end I can no longer bear the tension. As I lift my eyes I forget to breathe momentarily seeing Shitaro’s malignant grin. Even now he feels in control!

"We are ready to pass judgement," Yzil announces.

I barely hear his words, staring in to Shitaro’s chilly eyes. He bares his teeth and his grin grows broader. Repulsed I almost bolt out of the room, but then I remember Neroon telling me I’ll regain my self worth by facing Shitaro. Nailed to the floor I’m unable to make even the tiniest movement. My stomach contracts and I fear the dry heaves are about to return, but I manage to fight them down. I can’t show any weakness!

"Shitaro, the council has decreed that you’ll be stripped of your rank. Furthermore you’ll be banished to a penal colony orbiting our moon. You will remain there for the rest of your life," Yzil states as a warrior also translates the verdict in to the language of the warrior cast.

I must admit being surprised by their verdict. Shitaro is exiled for life, but that’s doesn’t satisfy me. After glancing at Yzil I take a step forward and stare into Shitaro’s simmering eyes. Suddenly I feel only hatred and anger for this man. All the shame he heaped on my soul has disappeared. Susan and Neroon were right. I want to hurt him and hurt him badly!

"I claim my right to invoke Denn’sha!" I state in an emotionless tone.

As the Minbari recognize the word and understand my intention they back away from Shitaro who now stands alone. Several warriors shake their heads in disbelief and I realize they doubt a human can defeat one of their own. "Give him a Denn’bok," I instruct Dalmar who moved closer to Shitaro.

Dalmar obeys and Shitaro grins diabolically as he opens the weapon. "Stupid human," he snarls. "I’ll end what I started and terminate your worthless life."

I remind myself that Shitaro has nothing left to lose and will fight to the death. As I extend my pike I center myself and imagine Neroon is here to guide my attack. I almost hear his voice telling me to focus on Shitaro’s weak points.

My ranger training pays off as I deflect Shitaro’s first attack. I quickly realize that physically he’s much stronger than I am, but I’m more agile. My speed is another advantage and I slip behind him, aiming a blow to his head. I miss and growl in frustration.

"I told you before that no human can be a Minbari’s equal," Shitaro sneers triumphantly.

I force myself not to hiss a reply. Shitaro wants to anger me so I’ll lose my concentration, but Dalmar trained me well! Leaping in the air I perform a dropkick to his chest. I’ll use all resources to win.

Shitaro never expected such a move and off balance, he stumbles backwards. I quickly follow up with a series of blows to his legs. Finally he crumbles under the assault and while he’s trying to get back to his feet I aim the butt end of my pike at his left temple and… strike.

"Marcus," a voice calls out softly.

Dalmar’s voice snaps me out of my trance and I stare at Shitaro, lying unconscious at my feet. My rage’s consuming me and I try getting a grip on my emotions again. Dalmar warned me not to kill Shitaro and I now realize the truth in his words. Killing Shitaro would make me a murderer and by lowering my standards I’d become like him. "I beat him!" I exclaim and look at Dalmar.

"Yes, you did," Dalmar says in an admiring tone. "Now let them take him away. Shitaro will live the rest of his miserable life in captivity."

"Neroon would ask the same thing of me," I whisper and watch Dalmar nod his head. "Take him away. I don’t ever want to see his face ever again!" Turning my back on them I march in to the courtyard and stare in to the blinding sun.

"I did it, Susan! I beat him. I defeated Shitaro… and thanks to you, Neroon I’m ready to return to Susan and…Babylon 5."

In dark places part 46

Marcus

I never felt more alive than now. Dalmar just landed the shuttle and informed me that Susan is already waiting for me at the landing site. Neroon was right all along. Now that I’ve faced and defeated my nemesis a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders and I can finally look towards the future with confidence.

I know one thing for sure. Susan will be part of that future and we’ll shortly return to Babylon 5. It’s her home and together we can build a new life there. As long as I stay here in Yedor I’ll be thinking of Neroon and our missed chance at happiness. I need to make a clean break.

I follow Dalmar outside and as I set foot on the soil I breathe in the fresh air. I’m going to miss Minbar. Susan comes running towards me and I quip, "Did you miss me?" I catch her in my arms. She throws a punch at me and I questioningly raise an eyebrow. "What was that for?"

"For making me stay here! I was worried, dammit!" Susan flips back her loose hair and shakes her head. "That’s the last time you’re leaving me behind!"

I chuckle hearing her concerned tone. "I know this was hard on you," I start and pull her along towards the house. "But I defeated Shitaro."

Susan stops me and nods her head approvingly. "It’s scary to look your demon in the eyes, isn’t it?" she whispers from own experience and we continue our walk.

"The funny thing is…" I mumble, looking about to make sure no one else can hear us, "that the urge to kill him disappeared during the fight. He wasn’t worth it."

"I would have killed him," Susan hisses unexpectedly.

I’m not that sure she’s lying. "I want to get to know you, the real you," I whisper longingly. "Not the =Commander= Ivanova, but the woman behind that mask."

Susan smiles appreciately. "I’ll try."

"Dalmar? Langar?" I gesture them to enter Neroon’s study. I retreated in here to begin preparations for my departure. I still have to tell them about my plans. Even Susan has no clue what I’m about to do.

"Marcus?" They say simultaneously and exchange an odd glance.

They sense something is up and I ask them to sit down opposite me. "I don’t know how to start," I admit. " During these last months you provided me with unconditional support and you helped me cope with reality even after Neroon’s death." As they want to reply I raise a hand to ask them to let me finish.

"I’ll always cherish that support and your… concern, but it’s time for me to say good-bye for now." My words surprise them and their eyes grow big.

Dalmar shifts in his chair and cocks his head. "Explain," he demands.

I slowly get to my feet and walk towards the window. For some reason I can’t look them in the eyes right now. "I want to make a new start with Susan and I can’t do that here. This is Neroon’s home and will always be his. If Susan hadn’t come to Minbari I might have stayed here for the rest of my life, but now… I face another challenge."

"I understand," Langar murmurs softly. "But I do regret your decision to leave."

"What about the house and the Ingata?" Dalmar objects. "According to Neroon’s will you are in command."

"I was never meant to command a war cruiser," I state and turn to face them. "I want you to assume command, Dalmar and use your own judgement when it comes down to making decisions. Langar here can act as your council." I thought about this during our way back and Dalmar is the perfect man for this job.

"Please don’t think me ungrateful," I continue. "I’ll always love Neroon." My fingers slip inside a pocket and I reverently touch the necklace he gave me.

"I should have seen this coming," Langar remarks in a saddened tone. "But we won’t stand in your way. We’ll manage the house and your other belongings."

I smile weakly. I have no clue what other belongings Neroon might have left me.

"When will you be leaving?" Dalmar inquires in an odd tone.

I realize I hurt his feelings in a way I can’t understand and I feel slightly guilty about it, but I’ve got to straighten out my priorities! "I still have to tell Susan we’re leaving, but I think she’ll be happy to return to the station as quickly as possible."

As Dalmar and Langar leave the study I feel like I’m letting them down, but Neroon would want me to choose love and happiness over mourning his death. I =know= that for sure, because he told me in my dreams.

Susan’s smile brightens at once as I tell her the news.

"We’re going to return to Babylon 5? Marcus!" she exclaims happily.

A moment later her arms are around my neck and she pulls me closer for a kiss. I oblige her and take control by slipping my hand underneath the back of her head. Awkwardly I try to manoeuvre her to the sofa, but she realizes what I’m up to and reverses the situation by pushing me down on to the couch instead. Lying on my back I stare into her hooded eyes.

Unexpectedly she straddles my hips. Being pressed down like this makes me uncomfortable and I start to struggle to get back to my feet again. Her hands are holding my wrists pinned to my side and for a tiny moment I’m back in that cell! "Susan, don’t!" I yelp in a strangled tone, embarrassed by the intensity of these memories.

"Marcus?" Susan whispers and immediately lets go. As she gets to her feet she says, "I’m sorry, Marcus. I didn’t realize…"

I manage to catch my breath and shake my head. "It isn’t your fault, love."

"Maybe you should try telling me what set off that reaction?" Susan kneels beside the couch and her eyes are big with concern.

"I’m sorry if I startled you," I say apologetically. "It was the way you held my wrists. I felt restricted and thought back to…"

"Yes?" Susan says patiently.

It’s time to start opening up to her, but I still feel embarrassed to speak the words aloud. Maybe I can start with something easier to share. "They kept me in solitary confinement for days. At one point I thought they had captured you as well and that you were in my cell. I was delusional at times."

Susan listens and doesn’t interrupt me. Does she realize how hard this is on me? "After that, they started to beat me up, broke my wrists, hands and ankles." This is it. I’ve reached my mental boundaries and can’t take that next step.

"I don’t know what to say," Susan admits honestly.

I’m amazed to see that her eyes are swimming. "I’m fine now," I assure her. "I just didn’t expect the memories to be that intrusive."

"I’ll be more careful in future," she promises.

"I love you," I whisper and devour her troubled eyes, loving the fact that she’s concerned about me. One year ago I’d have declared anyone mad who would have told me Susan Ivanova would one-day love me! "What do you think," I start, "would it be safe for us to sleep in the same bed? Holding each other?" I quickly add, not wanting her to draw the wrong conclusions.

"Sure, this will be our last night here anyway, won’t it?"

"Yes," I confirm. "Your place or mine?"

Actually stepping inside the shuttle that will take us to the White Star is harder than I thought. As I look at the magnificent residence I remember coming here in Stephen’s company. I felt close to Neroon here and that’s exactly the reason why I’ve got to leave.

Susan waits patiently for me to close this chapter of my life and I swallow hard catching Langar’s glance. I’ll miss him, Dalmar and Vallo. My lips form a soundless thank you and eventually I take that final step and the shuttle doors close behind me.

I’m touched by the fact that Susan keeps holding my hand in hers during our flight to the White Star. Delenn supplied us with transportation and I was surprised to get a message from Lennier, saying how much they were looking forward to welcoming us onboard the station.

"I fled Babylon 5 because I couldn’t face them," I whisper absent-mindedly, but Susan catches the remark. "I thought they would pity me for what had happened and I didn’t want to end up a charity case."

"They would never do that," Susan says chidingly.

"I know that now."

Our trip home will take 2 days and the first thing I do is rig our platforms. I caught Susan’s disdainful look as she discovered them. The crew assigned us the briefing room for this trip and I’m touched by their thoughtfulness, although it isn’t necessary.

That night as we go to sleep I pull Susan close to my body and love inhaling her fragrance. She’s slipped in to a nightgown made of silk and moving my fingers over the fabric sparks my imagination.

"What do you think, Marcus? How soon can you move in to my quarters?" Susan asks unexpectedly in a wicked tone.

I chuckle. "What about the crew? They’ll know we’re together if I do that."

"I don’t care any longer what any one else thinks," Susan admits. "I’m responsible for my own happiness and no is going to take that away from me!"

"I love it when you sound that determined," I confess and suck in my breath as one of her hands strays down my chest. I know she wants, yearns, for more intimacy, but so far she’s let me determine course and pace. "What are you up to?"

"Not much," she says sensually.

As he fingers stroke my thighs I shiver. "Susan," I say warning her, but she retaliates with a kiss and I’m lost. "We need sleep."

"I hate to admit it, but we do," she sighs.

Her hand rests dangerously close to my groin, but as she remains motionless I relax. She’s right. We need to do this in small steps and this is one of them. "Have pleasant dreams, love," I whisper in to her ear. Surprised, I see she’s already asleep.

I counted the hours until our arrival at Babylon 5. Susan has grown more excited too and I pity poor Corwin when she’ll make her comeback in C&C. There’s so much pent up energy inside her that she’ll drive everyone nuts!

She sits beside me as the shuttle takes us aboard the station. The last time I arrived here I was a total mess and scared of my own shadow.

"I wonder if anyone will be there to meet us," I ponder aloud, not counting on a welcoming committee.

Susan remains quiet, but that smile spells problems and I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into agreeing to come here. I manage to hide my nervousness from her, or at least I like to think so.

"I bet Delenn and Michael will be there," she says mischievously.

Inwardly I cringe. Great, those are the two persons I wanted to avoid running into. I don’t know what to say to Delenn concerning the rangers. Will she still want my services or dismiss me?

"Loosen up, Marcus. They aren’t going to eat you! Delenn might space you perhaps…" she says chuckling.

I relax hearing her tone and decide to let things take their course. I don’t have any control over them after all. That’s one lesson I learned during this ordeal. "I thought you had a patented airlock, Susan?"

Her smile changes in to a grin and she elbows me in my rib cage. "I better make an appointment with Stephen! The way you’re treating me I’ll end up in medlab pretty soon!"

As we walk in to the arrival area I spot Delenn, Lennier and the Captain. "Not Garibaldi," I quip contented and draw in a deep breath to mentally prepare myself for the upcoming conversation.

Delenn looks radiant and she walks towards us the moment she notices us. Lennier immediately follows her and Sheridan appears to sigh before going after Delenn. "It’s obvious who’s in control here," I quip and Susan nods her head.

"Marcus, welcome back," Delenn says and offers an ancient greeting.

I return the gesture and mumble a thank you. It does feel awkward being back here. I peek at the Captain’s face and realized he’s worried. Something is wrong and my instincts tell me our trouble isn’t over yet.

"You picked the right time to return, Marcus," Sheridan says as he’s shaking hands. "We just decided to fight Clark."

That news darkens our moods and Susan’s hand slips in to mine. "That means you’ll need all the help you can get," I state, and by looking at Susan’s eyes I know she agrees. "You can count on us."

"Good man!" Sheridan says pleased. "I knew the two of you wouldn’t let us down. Delenn here will brief you about the mission."

A little depressed I realize that Susan and I won’t get a chance to deepen our relationship as there’s another war to be fought and I wonder… will the fighting ever end?

In dark places part 47

Marcus

"Okay, Marcus, you’ve got permission to leave the fleet and head for the station!" Sheridan states concerned.

I don’t wait for him to continue and tell Lennier to set course for Babylon 5. My greatest fear is to arrive to late and finding Susan dead. "Thank you, Captain," I reply and terminate the connection. "I’ll be in the briefing room if you need me," I tell Lennier and leave the bridge in a hurry.

I want to check on several files, which I discovered while hacking through so-called secured Stephen’s files. Someone should tell him to change his passwords and codes. It was way too easy to access those files!

An alien-healing device. I stare at the displayed picture on screen along with notes Stephen added after saving Garibaldi’s life. I’m certain it can also save Susan from death. If I read this correctly I only have to transfer part of my life force in order to heal her body.

I want her to live! Susan can’t die like this! If only I’d seen that wrecked vessel earlier and I could have warned her. But I didn’t and when the White Star was hit during our battle against Clark Susan was mortally wounded. The Minbari healers tried their best to help her after I made them put the exam platform horizontal, the way she likes it.

Sheridan decided to have her taken to the station where she could die in peace. Die… I promised to never let her down and I’ll be there for her now that she needs me.

Why lock away that healing device? It worked before and it will work again. All I have to do is hook Susan and myself up to it and switch it off the moment she regains consciousness. Yes, my plan will work, but I’ve got to keep quiet. Lennier might try and stop me; afraid I can’t control the alien device. So I told no one about my plans, not even Delenn. I’ve got to do this on my own.

I spent these last hours studying Stephen’s notes and making a few of my own. Finally I’m confident I can make this work.

"Lennier, prepare a shuttle. I’m going aboard the station, alone!" I stress that last word, not wanting him near me.

"Are you sure? You might need… a friend when her time comes."

"I’m certain. Don’t argue with me now, Lennier," I say upset. I need to pull this one off alone. I‘ll gladly sacrifice part of my life force if it will restore Susan’s energy.

I quickly grab the crystal I altered. It will give me access to the storage facility so I can retrieve the healing device. Running through the corridors of the White Star I ignore the glances several crewmembers shoot me. They know I’m about to lose the woman I love.

I strap myself in to the shuttle and lay in the new co-ordinates. As I leave the White Star behind I allow myself a moment to calm down. First Neroon dies and now I’m about to lose Susan as well. "No," I whisper determined. "This time I’ll cheat death and reclaim her!"

As if in a trance I cover the distance to medlab and barely contain the urge to head immediately for her room. Instead I search out the storage facility and stare at the healing device. No way I can smuggle that thing in to her room. I’ll have to take out the guards first.

The first guard is no match as he turned his back to the door and I take him out by a quick blow to his temple. I don’t want to inflict any permanent damage as they’re only doing their jobs. I lure the second guard closer by knocking a chair over on purpose. Curious, he draws close and it only takes a swift blow of my pike to render him unconscious as well.

Next I push the healing device into Susan’s room. I can’t help but freeze seeing her lying there, lost in a deep coma. She’s oblivious of her surroundings and watching the readings on the scanners I realize I need to act at once as she’s slipping away. Susan is on the brink of death, but I’m going to bring her back. I refuse to lose another lover. Not again!

"I’ll bring you back, Susan, I promise," I whisper as I hook her up to the machinery. Briefly I caress her brow and kiss her lips. "I’ve got to take control of this situation, Susan. They’re willing to let you die, but there’s a way to save you."

I wish she could hear my words, but she has descended too deeply into coma to still register any sounds. The respirator is breathing for her, as she can no longer do that on her own.

"Faster! I’ve got to move faster!" I push myself, knowing I can’t cope with losing Susan as well. I broke down when Neroon died and I’m not sure I have the strength to start all over again.

Sitting down at her side I hook myself up to the device and switch it on. Nothing happens and I panic, wondering what I did wrong. Then lights start to flash and reassured I watch Susan’s peaceful face. "I love you, Susan."

I rest my head on her shoulder, surprised how quickly the machine is draining me. My inner voice is telling me to stop the energy transfer while I can still move, but as I open my eyes my heart stops beating momentarily.

Susan is no longer breathing! "No," I moan in despair. She can’t have died during the transfer! It should have made her stronger! I manage to focus on the readings, which have dropped. The respirator freezes and her chest remains flat. I lost the race against time… I need to unhook myself… now!

"Marcus!"

The voice sounds distant and I hardly recognize it in my mind-numbed state. Then a face hovers in front of me and I try telling Lennier to help me, but darkness engulfs me and I dive in to coma myself.

Irritating noises surround me and in the distance I decipher a familiar voice.

"Hook him up to that drip, now!"

Great, I moan privately. I thought Stephen was on Mars so what the hell is he doing back on the station? I counted on him not being here! I flinch hearing people shout at each other and I wonder what’s going on.

The last thing I remember is Susan dying in spite of my effort to keep her alive. I don’t want to face my failure but I have no real choice and open my eyes. I’m still in medlab, but have been wheeled in to another exam room. Stephen and Lillian Hobbes are working on a large number of patients and I realize this must be the after math of the war. All these injured people need treatment. I stare through the glass and try getting to my feet. There’s no reason for me to be here. I feel fine.

But as I sway my feet on to the floor I lose my balance and wonder where the hell my legs disappeared to as I end up on the floor. "What?" I stutter and acknowledge the fact that I feel paralyzed.

"Marcus! I should know better than to let you stay in here unguarded!" Stephen snarls in an uncharacteristically harsh tone. "Get back on to the exam bed!" he orders sharply.

"I failed… She died…"

"Yes, she died during your foolish attempt to save her! You’d have ended up dead yourself if Lennier hadn’t followed you to medlab!"

"Lennier?" I vaguely remember seeing him before I passed out.

"Marcus," Stephen sits down, looking very exhausted. "Susan was too far gone. Even the healing device couldn’t save her."

"I had to try," I object.

"I understand Marcus. I really do, but…" Stephen falls silent and rubs his brow. "I’ll help you cope with her death," he offers. "Don’t give up, Marcus. I know that right now you feel like you’ve got no reason to live, but…"

"Stephen," I start and close my eyes, "You’ve got patients to treat. I’ll be fine."

"No, you aren’t fine!" Stephen protests. "Lennier? You offered your help, didn’t you?"

Lennier steps inside with a very disturbed look on his face. He nods his head once and says, "How can I be of service?"

"Stay with Marcus and make sure he rests!" Stephen instructs as he makes his way back to the ward. "Marcus is right. My patients need me."

Trying to banish out their voices I mentally sob. I refuse to cry in Lennier’s presence, maybe later when I’m back in my quarters I can let the hurt surface.

"Marcus?" Lennier asks concerned.

I ignore him and turn on to my left side. I want to sleep and dream of the lovers I lost. I want to dream of Susan and Neroon.

"You can leave medlab, but I want you to rest in your quarters," Stephen says resolved. "Lennier and I will check on you, do you understand, Marcus?"

"Yes, I do," I reply fatigued. Stephen forced me to stay here these last three days, but I’m getting out at last. However, I don’t like this supervision Stephen now enforces on me. "I can manage on my own."

"Listen to me, Marcus," Stephen says sharply, "you don’t fool me for one moment. I know what you went through recently, remember? Neroon died only 2 months ago and Susan… no way I’m letting you run loose on the station!"

I can’t think of a proper reply so I don’t even try talking sense into him. But Stephen’s concern comes at a very inconvenient time. I plan on being off station when Delenn finds my letter of resignation, which I wrote yesterday. Writing that letter made things final. I’m quitting the rangers.

"Lennier here will help you get to your quarters. I’ll drop by at 20.00 hours to check on you."

Stephen is on a roll and I know I won’t get a word in edgewise, so I resign myself to this fate.

As Lennier walks me to my quarters I wonder where he found the courage to go against my direct orders to stay onboard the White Star. Peeking at his eyes I decide not to ask that question. I might not like his answer.

"Do you need anything?" Lennier inquires softly.

He had to physically support me during my walk over to my bed. "No, I just want to sleep." I wish he’d go away.

"You can call me at Delenn’s quarters, should you need me," he offers in a friendly tone and bows before stepping in to the corridor.

Finally I’m alone and rivulets of tears stream down my face as I mourn the death of yet another lover.

In dark places part 48

Neroon

I never realized how easy it is to sneak onboard Babylon 5 if the fake identity cards you're using are superb. The guard only quickly glances at my face as there is a long queue waiting to get through customs. It feels strange to be back on the station, considering the last time I was here I intended to kill Delenn and almost ended up murdering the man I love. This time I'm here for a different reason.

I studied the station's map before coming onboard and I access one of the elevators to take me to the right floor. Zathras and Draal helped me find the correct location of Marcus' quarters.

What I'm doing is terribly selfish, but I can't take it any longer knowing that he's in pain and that I might be able to ease his suffering. It's the least I can do in order to make up for the pain I caused in the past.

These last months have been hard on me, but knowing Marcus and Susan were happy fed my contentment. It was the truth when I told Marcus I wanted him to live his life the way he always wanted, needed to. And in the end I didn't leave him any choice, now did I?

I understand why he wanted to save her. Had Marcus been near death I would have tried anything to save him too. It's a pity his sacrifice was in vain and that Ivanova died. She must have been a very special human for him to love her so much.

Pulling my hood over my face I make sure no one realizes a Minbari is sneaking around green sector. I'm sure they've seen Minbari here before but with Delenn and Lennier on Earth they might wonder what I'm doing here. It also might have been wise to shed my uniform before coming here, but I left in a hurry, just wanting to cross the distance as quickly as possible.

I nod absent minded at the Centauri diplomat whom I pass by in the corridor, as I try to find Marcus' quarters. It's strange, but my knees almost seem to give out on me and my head keeps spinning with all possibilities lying at my feet. Am I doing the right thing?

How many times have I asked myself that question? I gave up finding the answer. All I know is that Marcus probably needs me.

Finally I manage to find the right quarters and now I'm wondering how to proceed. I've got a syringe filled with sleeping medication in my pocket, just in case Marcus gets hysterical seeing my face. I want him off station before revealing myself to him.

If I press the door chime I'll lose the advantage of surprise. Entering without alerting him first is preferable, but then I need the access code to his rooms. What would Marcus use? Susan? Ivanova? No, that's way too obvious. Can it be that simple? Can he be using my name? Or something related to that period we shared onboard the Ingata?

What about the names of the ones who cared for him during his recovery? Langar? Vallo? Maybe Dalmar? I realize I'll get only one chance should he be inside his quarters. I'm not sure he's home.

There are too many uncertainties and I ponder my options. Eventually I type in my name.

"Password not accepted", a computerized voice says.

I wait for a response, but as there is none I assume Marcus isn't home after all. "What do you use?" I ask myself aloud. Suddenly I type in Narrier's name in a vain attempt to gain access to his quarters. That can't be the right code!

But the door slides open and I steal inside. The lights are dimmed, but I make out his outline in the back of the room. He's sitting in a chair, eyes closed and his breathing regular. Apparently he's

asleep. Draal told me the healing device drained him of a large part of his energy, which is probably why he still looks exhausted.

"Excellent," I compliment myself and noiselessly I move closer to him. After retrieving the syringe I ensure it's ready to be used. I'm about to inject the medication in to his arm as my eyes unwillingly search his face. I'm startled to see dark rings beneath his eyes and his lips are twisted in to a grueling grimace. His pain is apparent; at least to me it is, and saddened I shake my head. Life has taken too large a toll on him. It's time things are set right.

Marcus doesn't wake as I inject the clear liquid, but does stir a moment later as I stroke back the locks that slipped in to his face. As I kneel on the floor I can't deny I love him, still love him.

"I'll always love you," I promise and am slightly disappointed, as he doesn't wake up hearing my voice. "I should have contacted you earlier," I admit in a guilty tone. "But the risks were too grave. You'll understand soon, Marcus."

By now the medication has spread through his body and he's deeply asleep. Marcus won't wake up for hours and I walk over to the closet to retrieve his cloak. Surprised, I find that his ranger pin is missing. Briefly I search for it, but I can't find it anywhere. It strikes me as impossible that he misplaced it somehow.

"Maybe it was his parting gift to her?" I wonder in a soft tone, still apprehensive he'll somehow wake up. "No," I realize a moment later, "A ranger would never give away his pin."

I'll have to wait in order to get that answer and I gently wrap the long cloak around his body. Part of the cloth now covers his face and I'm glad security seldom seriously checks on the people leaving the station. At least that's what Zathras told me.

I'll inform the guards that he's drunk and has fallen asleep during our way to the shuttle bay. Hopefully they'll buy it. Security is overworked and only treats incoming traffic with priority.

"It's time to go, Marcus," I whisper and lift him in my arms. I press him close to my chest like I used to a long time ago and I'm taken aback by the feel of his warm body close to mine. How did I ever survive without him?

"I wanted you to find happiness in her arms," I admit sincerely. "But fate decided differently. I'm sorry you lost her, but perhaps this is our second chance, Marcus."

As I step in to the corridor I compose myself. Determined I continue my way and head for shuttle bay.

It's crowded in here and although I dislike being among such a large number of people this time it'll be to my advantage. Security is trying to handle outgoing traffic as quickly as possible and only

superficially checking identity cards. I search for the two fake ones in my pocket and hand them to the security guard who looks stressed. I'm a bad actor, but this time I have no choice.

The guard studies my card and manages to make eye contact. I let him. I want him to be certain I pose no threat to him.

"Who's your friend?" he asks, examining the second card.

"A fellow Minbari who indulged himself in the alcoholic drinks you humans serve here. It made him paranoid and as he started to act aggressively I had to take him out to prevent further harm.

We'll be leaving with a private shuttle, which is waiting for us in bay 4." I carefully dose my information. By adding the part about the private shuttle the guard will realize I'm not putting any passengers at risk should this supposedly drunk Minbari wake up. "It's better we leave now. Should he wake he will be most unpleasant company." The guard seems convinced and returns the cards to me.

"Get him off the station ASAP," he instructs in a firm tone.

"I will," I promise and inwardly chuckle because my plan worked. Leaving security behind I walk towards the shuttle bay. Zathras provided the shuttle and I'm very grateful for that. The shuttle door opens at my command and I tell the computer to start up the engines. I sit Marcus down in the co-pilot's seat and establish contact with C&C. It only takes a few minutes to get permission for departure and relieved I lean back in my chair.

"Mission accomplished," I whisper pleased and push back the cloth covering Marcus' face. He's peacefully asleep and I'm instantly reminded of the way he melted in to my arms onboard the Ingata. I didn't lie when I told him that the hardest thing I ever did was leaving him behind. Thankfully Draal granted me a way of saying good-bye to him. I loved being part of his dreams.

But everything has changed now. Ivanova died in battle and Marcus is alone again. I can never return to my people, another sacrifice they imposed on me, but what sweet reward I might claim now!

"I'm selfish," I reprimand myself. "What if he wants to stay on Babylon 5? What if... he doesn't want to be with me? I hurt him so badly."

"You decided on this course," Draal's voice reminds me, as he briefly appears as a hologram onboard the shuttle. "You could have stayed on Epsilon 3."

"No, that wasn't an option after learning she had died." I know what I want, whom I want, but can I have it?

"Zathras made all necessary preparations. Lay in the co-ordinates Zathras is now downloading in to your computer system. They will take you to Valura 5," Draal instructs as he smiles weakly. "I hope you know what you're doing, Neroon. There's no way back for you."

"I know," I acknowledge. "But this is what I want."

"May Valen guide you, Neroon," Draal says, offering an ancient greeting.

"Our beliefs are no longer valid to me, Draal," I inform him, knowing Sinclair and Valen are the same person. "I only believe in one thing."

"Love," Draal replies, realizing the truth. "I hope it's mutual."

"It has to be," I say looking at Marcus lost in sleep. "I pray it is."

In dark places part 49

Marcus

Slowly reaching consciousness I cautiously move my fingers to search for my pike. After inhaling the air I realize I'm no longer inside my quarters. Concentrating hard I barely hear any sound at all. The silence is making me uncomfortable and I try opening my eyes, but they close shut at once because I'm so fucking tired.

I vividly remember being forced to accept a dinner invitation from Stephen, who tried making Garibaldi's lasagna and then failed miserably. The result wasn't edible and we ended up in the Zocalo where he bought me dinner. What did I do after leaving the Zocalo?

Stephen walked me back to my quarters, nagging me about making sure I got enough rest. He also told me to drop by med lab for a complete physical the next day. I know he's worried because the alien healing device almost killed me, but... I don't want his concern. I want to be left alone.

Carefully I stretch my body and immediately sense the comfort of a mattress. I'm warm and my thoughts drift back to these last few days. I've lived in a trance like state ever since Susan died in my arms. I tried saving her, but she died while I was still hooked up to the device.

Lennier saved me. The device didn’t automatically stop tapping my life force as she died. I wish I had died though! Susan never knew I intended to sacrifice part of my life force to ensure her survival and I'm not that sure she'd have approved of such action. She'd probably have spaced me if she had survived. But I couldn't let her die while I had the opportunity to save her! I loved her too much to stand by idle, knowing the alien device could save her life.

I arrived too late at the station because I wanted Delenn and Sheridan's permission to leave the fleet after we had beat Clark. If only I had gotten through to them earlier! Communication was down for some time after our victory and...

Accept it, I tell myself. You failed... again. She's dead. Susan is dead. We only had such a short time together, only a few months. "Too short," I whisper depressed. Why do I always end up losing the people I love?

Sighing, I sense fatigue slipping up on me again. I feel drugged and something is pushing me to return to sleep. After briefly fighting the inevitable I drift off into the dimension of dreams.

I've lost all sense of time and as I wake again I wonder how many hours or days passed by, but luckily I no longer feel drugged. Turning onto my left side I keep my eyes closed a little longer. Where the hell am I and how did I get here? These definitely aren't my quarters. I've never smelled such a fragrance before... or have I?

"Lilacs?" I wonder and startle, remembering a corridor filled with candles at Yedor.

Finally I open my eyes as curiosity gets the best of me. There's only so long I can hide or avoid reality. The first thing I see is a window. Curtains obscure half of my view and all I see outside is something white. It must be near sun set because it's getting dark outside... or is it sunrise and about to get light? Confused, I roll onto my back.

The ceiling is made of dark wood and as I search the room I realize I'm lying in a bed. Sitting upright I look about the bedroom. "Where am I?" I repeat, knowing for certain I went to sleep in my

quarters on Babylon 5.

I push back the blanket and get to my feet. I'm still wearing my black trousers and turtle necked shirt, but the tunic has been removed. After stroking some stray locks back behind my ears I freeze, standing in front of the window...

"How?" I wonder aloud. My brain is telling me that this is impossible. "Snow?" I whisper, watching snow flakes add to the already thick white blanket outside.

I've never seen snow before and I always wondered what it would feel like to dip my hand into the white mass. However, I'm hesitant to open the window, as I want the chill to stay outside. So I place my hand against the glass of the window and enjoy the slightly cold sensation against my skin.

"Am I dreaming again?" I pinch myself to make sure I'm awake. It's been a while since I dreamt of Neroon or the Ingata and I'm baffled by this similar real experience.

Resolved to find answers I bite back the fatigue and the memory of Susan's dead body and walk towards the doorway. I push down the door handle and am surprised as the door opens. Determined, I step in to the corridor and look about. At the end of the corridor is a staircase leading downstairs and I swallow hard before starting my way down, wondering what awaits me.

The smell changes and I swear someone is preparing a meal near by. I covered half of the stairs before I halt in my tracks. At my feet I discover a second room, looking much like a living room and open kitchen.

As a child I once found a crystal filled with images of interiors and architecture used near the end of the twentieth century and this resembles a log house. In the fireplace the burning wood is creating weird sounds. I hesitate taking those last few steps in to the living area.

Suddenly the oddly familiar sound of water rushing down a cliff drowns my ears and I almost envision being back in Yedor. I should probably announce my presence and call out, "Is anyone here?"

Not receiving an answer I shrug my shoulders and leave the staircase behind me to peek inside the kitchen. It's empty and just as I'm wondering if I'm alone here a door opens and a figure clad in black robes enters. I move back towards the wall to study the stranger.

"Who are you?" I ask and surprised I notice that the stranger seems to freeze as well. "Did you bring me here?"

I wish I could make out his face, but it's hidden beneath his hood. "Where am I?" I continue and watch impatiently as logs of firewood are dropped to the floor. "I want answers," I state in a firm tone.

"Sit down first."

"Oh my God!" I moan. "I know that voice!" It's impossible though. Neroon died in the Starfire! I take his advice and pull up a wooden chair to sit down. "Push down that hood," I instruct in a dead calm tone. I passed sanity and am now having delusions. There's no other logical explanation! But to hear that velvet voice again... it makes me quiver with suppressed longing.

He slowly removes the hood and I shake my head in shock. "It's a lie," I whisper. "Someone has gotten hold of a changeling net and..." Suddenly struck speechless I stare in to dark eyes and I know it's Neroon.

"Am I dead?" I ask, trying to understand what's happening. My hands shake and my heart is pounding irregularly. This is too much to handle... especially after losing Susan only days ago. "Stop playing games!" I demand in an angry tone.

"It's no game, Marcus," Neroon says and shakes the snow off his cloak. "You're still alive and so am I."

"I don't understand," I yelp near despair. "I watched you die months ago!" No, I can't handle this and I cover my eyes with my hands. "Just let me wake up back on Babylon 5."

"Is that what you =really= want?" Neroon asks in a neutral tone. "I can take you back to the station. Just say the word and we'll board the shuttle."

"What's next?" I whimper. "Susan's ghost starting to haunt me? I'm tired and all I want is to be left alone."

"I thought you no longer wallow in self pity," Neroon replies in a berating tone and drapes his wet cloak over the back of the chair next to him.

Hearing those words my eyes flash angrily at him. "What do you know? You only exist in my dreams and when I'll wake up from this freaking nightmare... I'll be alone again," I end in a depressed tone.

"I am real," Neroon says softly.

I peek at him from behind my hands as he lowers himself onto one knee. He looks so real and a tear starts to form in my eyes. Yes, I loved Susan with all my heart, but I loved Neroon with my soul. No, I still love him... "You can't be real," I object weakly. "You're dead."

"I need to tell you the truth," Neroon says resolved.

His hands close over mine and I'm shocked to feel their warmth. Hell, this is one heck of a realistic dream! What if I give in to this illusion for a few moments? I desperately yearn for company. "You feel real," I whisper and curl my fingers around his.

"That's because I didn't die in the Starfire," Neroon starts. "Did you ever wonder where that energy emanated from?"

"No," I admit. "At the time I was..."

"You had gone in to shock, I know..." Neroon confesses in a guilty tone.

"How do you know...?" Caressing his fingers I savor feeling his skin.

"I was always at your side... in your dreams," Neroon explains and smiles saddened. "If only I could have told you back then what really transpired."

"Tell me now," I demand and a tiny part of my brain is trying to convince me that Neroon is real and consists of flesh and blood.

"The Great Machine created the Starfire and it didn't destroy me. It transported me to Epsilon 3."

"What?" I exclaim stunned. "But what... but that's..." Unable to form a coherent sentence I stare at Neroon in shock. My God, what =if= he's telling the truth and he's still alive?

"But I can never return to Minbar. My sacrifice ended the civil war and upon my return the lie will be exposed."

"Did you know you weren't going to die when you stepped inside?" I ask and lose the battle to fight my tears.

"No, I did not." Neroon sighs heavily. "Draal explained to me that I could stay on the planet or search for a world where Minbari society was unknown. I decided to stay with Draal and the Zathras brothers. In that way I could be with you in your dreams. Draal allowed me to use the Great Machine to reach you during your sleep."

Finally everything starts making sense. "That's why I knew what your study looked like before arriving on Yedor."

"Yes, I used my memories as a background setting. I wanted to prepare you for what was going to come." Neroon now moves to kneel and looks up pleadingly. "Can you forgive me for leaving you?"

Stunned, I stare in to Neroon's dark eyes. "Did you really ask me that?" I stutter in disbelief and all the anger I kept locked inside wells up in a gigantic wave. Before I realize what I'm doing I punch Neroon, knocking him off his feet, as I throw one vicious right hook at him. Immediately I clutch my hand and scream at him, "Do you have =any= idea what I went through after your death? I broke down and wanted to die as well!"

An insane rage overwhelms me as I rise to my feet. Neroon's expression is hard to decipher, but his eyes express pride and confidence. "Wipe that smug grin off your face!" I yell, towering over him. It's beyond me why he's smiling that contentedly and I want to add another punch to that first one. "Dammit, Neroon! I trusted you, needed you and you hid on Epsilon 3? Why didn't you let me know you were still alive?" I demand and clench my hands in to fists, trying hard not to lash out at him again. I create distance between us as I retreat into the kitchen. "I thought the Starfire destroyed you!"

"Marcus," Neroon says and slowly gets to his feet. He rubs his chin and smiles appreciatively. "I expected you to be angry at me, but... Dalmar trained you well. You completely surprised me with that attack," Neroon states in a pleased tone. "I now understand how you managed to defeat Shitaro during Denn'sha!"

His words baffle me. I hit him with all the strength I had left and I know his chin must hurt. Experiencing warm satisfaction I notice that his chin is turning slightly red. "Got you with that one!" I hiss and nod my head.

"I agree," Neroon replies and his grin changes in to a warm smile. "You do believe now that I'm real?"

"Yes." I swallow hard and suddenly realize he =is= still alive. Neroon is standing in front me... breathing and his heart is pumping hot blood through his veins. "You should have told me!" I lecture him again, still hurt.

"I couldn't confide in you." Neroon turns about and half closes his eyes. "My existence had to remain secret. My people think I died in the Starfire and that fact ended the civil war. Should I reappear, the war might start all over again."

"But I would have joined you on Epsilon 3!" I protest and fight my tears.

"No," Neroon objects weakly. "Draal told me you had unfinished business and that I was forbidden to interfere. When Susan joined you in Yedor I knew I made the right decision in staying away from you."

Susan... Hearing Neroon speak her name is unexpected and the ache reawakens in my soul. "She died 9 days ago," I whisper and avoid his eyes. "I attended her memorial service and when her coffin was released in to space..."

Broken, I cover my face with my hands. I don't want to feel Neroon's eyes on me and turn away from him. "I wanted to save her, but I arrived at the station much too late."

"Marcus," Neroon starts again in a soft tone. "You didn't cause her death. She was a warrior and we all know the dangers we face. I heard that she died during battle... her death was most honorable. Her people will remember her achievements, so will we."

Listening to Neroon's approaching footfalls I remain poised. "I loved her," I state resolved.

"I know you did and that you still do. She'll always be part of you."

Finally I feel confident enough to look up at Neroon again. His compassionate eyes convince me he's serious. "I still can't believe you're alive," I admit.

Neroon chuckles softly. "I still can't believe you're standing in front of me," he confesses in a similar tone, and then turns serious again. "You wanted to know why I didn't contact you earlier. I've already given you one reason."

"Yes," I reply and lose myself in his eyes.

"There's a second reason," Neroon reveals. "I wanted you to live your life the way it would have been, had Shitaro never touched you. I wanted you safe on Babylon 5, holding the woman you love in your arms."

I shake my head, wondering what the hell possessed him to act in that way.

"I wanted you to be happy, Marcus and I already told you that I would love you from afar if necessary. Ivanova loved you and you needed to be with her." Neroon licks his lips and patiently waits for a reply.

"So why did you come out of hiding?" I ask embittered.

"Susan's death," Neroon replies at once. "I... "

Puzzled, I hear him stutter. Neroon never stutters. "Yes?" I push him on.

"I deserted you when you needed me and..."

I cut him off before Neroon has a chance to finish. "And now you want to make things up to me?"

"After a fashion," Neroon admits in a guilty tone. "Susan's death must have hurt you badly and I want to offer you some comfort, console you."

"You smug bastard! You expected me to fling myself in to your arms!" I state vehemently. Deep down in my heart I know I'm not being truthful to myself, but... the hurt has to get out. "Forget about it!" I sneer at him and dash over to the door. As I open it, bitter cold cuts in to my bones. All thoughts I had about fleeing this place disappear. I would freeze outside!

"As I see it, you have three options," Neroon says in a formal tone. "One, I can take you to Yedor so you can spend the rest of your life on Minbar. Maybe Delenn even has use for you in Tuzenor, training the new rangers."

His formal tone makes me close the door and I face him again. Bugger, I still feel attracted to him!

"Two, I will take you back to Babylon 5 so you can be amongst friends."

Impatiently I shuffle my feet. "And what's the third option?" I ask apprehensively.

"Stay here with me for the rest of your natural life. You must realize however, that I can never return to Minbar or Babylon 5. You would be stuck with me on this planet. For me there's no way back." Neroon's expression darkens speaking those words. "How much time do you require to reach a decision?"

I slowly make my way over to the sofa and sit down. "You don't ask easy questions!" I chide him.

"I never do," Neroon says jokingly and remains motionless.

Inwardly at war with myself I feel lost. Susan's death is too recent to agree to what Neroon's asking me to do... but on the other hand... "I hate you!" I whisper crestfallen. Neroon joins me on the couch and hesitantly I make eye contact. "I didn't mean that," I say apologetically. "I need more time to think this over!"

"Of course," Neroon replies and smiles. "I prepared soup. Would you like some?"

His offer reminds me of another time he prepared our meals, and choking up I nod my head. Neroon leaves me alone to fetch the soup and I can't help shaking my head and drumming my fingers on the table. Stephen probably has Zack searching the station for me. I wouldn't be surprised to learn he even contacted Delenn about my vanishing act. They must be worried and I'm sitting here in the middle of nowhere!

"Where are we anyway?" I ask Neroon who's emerging from the kitchen, carrying two bowls filled with steaming hot soup with him.

"Valura 5. I would have chosen a planet with a milder climate but Zathras..." his voice trails off and he carefully sips from the soup.

"Is it this cold all year around?" I inquire, dreading to ponder the options he gave me and so I put it off a little longer.

"No, apparently there are four seasons. This is the coldest time of the cycle," Neroon explains and leans back.

"So, Zathras arranged this?"

"With a little help from Draal."

Emotionally drained and completely confused I wait for the soup to cool down. "I still think you should have told me," I berate him, but now that the first shock has worn off I cherish Neroon's company.

"You'll never know how angry I felt when I realized that we were separated forever. I didn't want to infringe on your relationship with Ivanova." Neroon suddenly looks tired. "I feel like I aged cycles in only a few months."

"Which option do you prefer, Neroon?" I say in an awkward tone.

"You've got to decide where to go from here," Neroon replies determined. "I can't make that decision for you!"

But I read the truth in his eyes. "You want me to stay here," I whisper and try finding a reason why I'd want to return to the station. I can't find a single one now that Susan is gone. "But I want my friends to know I'm safe."

"You can send messages as long as you don't reveal your whereabouts. My people can never find out about me."

Neroon's eyes start to simmer as he realizes I've made my decision and I love seeing them come alive. "It'll take time for me to get over Susan's death," I say, tempering his enthusiasm.

" I respect that," Neroon replies reassuringly and smiles brightly. "You avoided answering my question, though. Do you forgive me for keeping you in the dark?"

For the first time since my arrival here I smile in return. "I can't possibly stay mad at you, Neroon. We've been through so much together. You saved my sanity when you helped me recover."

"Is that a yes?"

I chuckle, wondering why he needs that confirmation so badly. "You'll have to work for it," I say teasingly. "You aren't getting off the hook that easily!"

"I'll earn your forgiveness and your trust... again."

Suddenly the absurdity of this situation strikes me but then again, my life has never been normal. "Neroon, do you still love me?" I need to know!

"How can you ask that question?" Neroon replies, pretending frustration.

Oh, yes. He does, I realize as his eyes catch mine. "I'll stay." Neroon slowly opens his arms and I accept the intimate gesture. Resting my head against his chest I think of Susan and the few months we shared. "We had just started to open up to each other," I tell Neroon. "She was finally letting me in and I had reached a point where I could confide in her about the time I spent at Shitaro's mercy."

"Give yourself time to mourn her death," Neroon advises in a gentle tone, filled with understanding.

"How long did it take you to work through Narrier's death?" I ask and inhale his scent.

"Many cycles," Neroon admits in a heavy tone.

"But..." I start and glance at him, "you're here now. I need you."

"Yes, I'm here for you as I promised I'd be."

Strangely at peace I release a strangled sigh and hold on to Neroon for support as I sob in his arms, finally allowing the pain Susan's death caused in to my heart.

One day later

"Marcus? What the hell…?" Stephen Franklin exclaims stunned. "Zack has his men searching the entire station for you!"

He’s angry all right and I smile, realizing how concerned he is about me. "I’m fine, Stephen," I assure him and hear Neroon chuckle behind my back. I can’t turn around now to find out what’s doing. I must focus on Stephen instead. "Stop nagging and listen," I chide Franklin softly.

Stephen’s facial expression changes and his eyes shoot fire. It’s a good thing I’m no longer onboard the station! He’d probably restrain me in medlab! Luckily I’m out of his reach.

"Where are you?" Stephen demands to know in an upset voice. "You need medical supervision! You’re still recovering from the loss of your life energy, dammit! I should have destroyed that infernal machine when I found it!"

"I only feel a little tired," I admit to calm him down. "But I’m fine, Stephen!"

"Yeah right!" Stephen shakes his head. "I don’t believe you and I want you in medlab within the hour!"

"Can’t do that," I reply and grin sheepishly. "I’m no longer onboard the station.’

"What!" Stephen exclaims and rises from his chair. "You went overboard this time, Marcus. I know you’re feeling depressed right now, but running away is no solution!"

"You simply don’t get it," I state amused. "I’m not going to do anything stupid, Stephen."

"Well," Stephen starts, settling down in to his chair again. "You sound coherent and your eyes appear lucid."

"Thanks!" I quip and try to ignore Neroon’s soft laughter. "I just want you to know I left the station to… recover somewhere else."

"Where?" Stephen quickly asks.

"Sorry, old boy, don’t want you to send in the search troops." I’ll keep my promise to Neroon. Our location will remain a secret.

"Marcus!" Stephen’s voice rises dangerously.

"Tell you what," I say, feeling guilty for upsetting Stephen like this. He’s worried I might try taking my life after Susan’s death. "I’ll contact you once a week." I know that after a while his need to stay in touch with me will decrease and in the end he’ll be too busy to answer my calls anyway. At least it’s a way to get him off my back for now.

"Is there any way for me to contact you?"

"No, Stephen, Take it or leave it."

Stephen nods his approval. "What about Delenn? She should know you left."

"You’re right," I admit. "I’ll send her a message as well." I don’t add that it will be a written message as I fear Delenn will find a way to make me reveal my whereabouts. It’s obvious Stephen isn’t thrilled with this agreement, but realizes it’s the best deal he can get.

"Don’t forget to call me in one week!" Stephen says frustrated. "And I won’t mind you contacting me earlier!"

"Noted, Stephen." I smile, feeling relieved. Stephen will tell the others what’s going on and everyone can stop worrying.

Turning towards Neroon I study his posture. Some of his old arrogance shows in his eyes and I love seeing the defiant expression on his face. "You almost distracted me!"

Neroon’s lips curl in to a wicked smile. "This is my house after all and I can do whatever I want!"

"I thought this was =our= house!" I correct Neroon and move to stand in front of him.

"Agreed," Neroon acknowledges. "We need to talk, Marcus," he adds in a serious tone.

"About what?" I sit down on the low table and rest my hands on my knees.

"Sleeping arrangements for one."

Pretending ignorance I raise an eyebrow. "There’s only one bedroom then?"

"One bedroom and only one bed," Neroon replies, playing along.

"No Minbari sleeping platform? Too bad!" I exclaim, but grin broadly. "Want to sneak in to my bed, don’t you?" The truth is that I missed snuggling up to him. I loved to hold Susan in my arms, but being close to Neroon feels completely different.

"That thought did pass my mind," Neroon admits amused.

"I’ll think about it," I quip in return and settle down next to him on the couch. "How are we going to survive here?" I ask, wondering if we’re the only ones alive on this planet. In the past being alone scared me, but now that I’ve got Neroon for company I desire nothing else.

"Zathras will regularly fly in supplies. There are a few settlements on the planet and the people here grow food items as well. Technically they aren’t very advanced yet. They don’t even have the capacity to construct space ships, but Zathras assured me they’re friendly."

"I was more thinking along the lines of fighting boredom," I say teasingly.

"Marcus," Neroon sighs and grins. "Somehow I suspect we’ll find ways to keep occupied."

"I liked you orally exploring my body," I admit, remembering that one intimate moment we shared, but then my mood darkens. Neroon locks eyes with me, sensing something is wrong.

"You can tell me."

"I feel like I’m betraying Susan," I say in a guilty tone. "And I’m so confused! I loved her and at the same time I love you! But this feels totally different."

"You’re in the process of mourning her death and I would be worried if you didn’t feel guilty." Neroon swallows hard before continuing. "When I realized I was in love with you I felt guilty too. No matter how many cycles had passed since Narrier’s death I still felt like betraying the love we once shared and his memory."

"Susan and I only had such little time together," I say saddened. "I never had the chance to find out about her deepest feelings and now I realize I never will."

"I wish I managed to get through Narrier’s defenses cycles ago, but… fate decided differently. Mourn her death and give yourself the time you need to do it properly. Maybe you lost other loved ones during these last years and you never had the chance to say good-bye to them either."

"You’re right you know." I remember William’s death vividly and I still regret never taking Hasina up on that dinner invitation. Perhaps mourning their deaths will help me move on.

I realized one thing during this day, which I spent in Neroon’s company. I still love him and Susan’s recent death showed me how transient life is. I’m determined to rebuild my relationship with Neroon. I’m not going to let someone I love slip away from me ever again!

"Why don’t you tell me what attracted you to Susan? I want to get to know the woman you fell in love with," Neroon asks in a soft tone.

"You don’t mind me talking about her?"

"I want you to talk about her," Neroon clearly states.

That’s all the assurance I need and I start to babble, telling Neroon about the first time I met her.

5 months later

Back on Arisia we didn’t have different seasons. We only had one, which mostly resembled hell. You couldn’t go planet side without a protective suit and the hydroponics garden was the closest thing to real nature we had.

Here on Valura 5 spring is definitely a miracle. I can sit here for hours, watching the flowers open their petals, the trees growing fruits and the bird like creatures nestling in the treetops. I wonder if Earth is anything like this. I bet this is even better!

"Marcus! You told me you’d work out!"

I chuckle hearing Neroon’s amused tone. After being cooped up with him on this planet for months I’ve learned to read him like an open book. "I decided to wait for you."

Neroon utters a soft reproach and then extends his pike. "Get to your feet!"

"In a moment," I say teasingly and look up. The sun is behind Neroon’s back so I can’t make out his facial expression. "You need to relax! I’ve been telling you that for some time now! Come and sit down." I know he’ll give in. He always does.

Neroon growls but complies.

"Lie down," I instruct.

"What are you up to?" Neroon asks, suddenly alert.

"Just do it!" I pull him down, knowing darn well he’s playing along as he rests his head in my lap. "I always liked gardens. So did Susan," I add after a moment’s thought. She has constantly been in my thoughts during this last year, but I also found William and Hasina demanded attention. With Neroon’s help I reached a point where I can discuss them openly.

"I love waterfalls," Neroon admits and shuts his eyes against the sunlight.

His hand reaches up and is now tangling in my hair. "I love them too," I confess as I trace the outline of his bone crest. "I’m so glad I decided to stay with you, Neroon. At the time I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing… so shortly after Susan’s death."

"When I ‘abducted’ you," Neroon starts in an odd tone, "I knew there was a distinct possibility that you wouldn’t forgive me and that you’d want to return to Babylon 5. I hoped you’d forgive me."

I smile hearing his hesitant tone. "Looking back I guess I was too shocked to turn you away. You came back from the dead after someone else died on me," I try to explain. "But the truth is that I never stopped loving you."

"I’m very grateful for that," Neroon whispers softly.

Reading the expression in his eyes I lean in closer and kiss his lips. "For the rest of my natural life," I remind him. "This is our home now."

"Yes," Neroon whispers and deepens the kiss.

Breathless I give in and surrender to the longing in my veins.

In dark places part 50

40 years later

Neroon

"Are you feeling any better?" Looking at Marcus I see a feverish expression in his eyes, which I don’t like. He has been ill for a week now and I know our time together is coming to an end.

"Not really," Marcus replies truthfully. "Maybe you’re right Neroon, and I should ask Stephen to come here to check on me. But I don’t want you to run the risk of being discovered!"

"Your health is the only thing that matters to me, Marcus," I berate him softly. "I will make the call and ask your friend to come to Valura 5."

"Are you sure?" Marcus asks in an uncertain tone.

Some of his old fire shows in his eyes as concern gets the upper hand and I love seeing it. "I’m sure," I assure him. "Why don’t you try and sleep?"

"I’m not sure I can sleep," Marcus whispers fatigued as his eyes close.

A moment later he’s soundly asleep and after placing a gentle kiss on his brow I leave our bedroom. He’s been getting worse for days now. I never realized it could be serious when the fatigue first showed up.

Ever since he hooked himself up to that healing device he lacked his old energy and fiery spirit. I fear the energy drain has somehow shortened his life span. That fear has been at the back of my mind since the moment he told me he wanted to stay with me. Only I chose to ignore it and we never discussed the matter. Now I wish we had.

As I walk over to the com panel I wonder what to say to Stephen Franklin. Over the years Marcus never revealed our whereabouts to his friend, but now I’ve got no other choice. There’s a lot to discuss.

The screen comes alive and I look at the man I’ve come to know very well through the conversations he and Marcus had. How many human years have passed by? Mentally I count them. 40 years in human terms, a long time, but too short in my opinion. I don’t want Marcus to leave me yet.

"Yes?" Stephen Franklin says puzzled.

Drawing in a deep breath I address the physician. "I’m a close friend of Marcus Cole."

"And your name is?" Franklin asks in an odd tone.

"Irrelevant," I quickly reply. "Marcus needs your medical expertise."

"Why doesn’t he ask me himself?"

"Because he’s fallen ill," I whisper with pain in my heart. "I’m asking you in his name to come and check on him."

"Of course I’ll come!" Franklin replies in an upset tone and then realizes something else. "Marcus never told me where I could find him."

"Valura 5," I say, finally revealing my hiding place. "But this stays between the two of us. No one else needs to know."

"I understand," Stephen says determined and accesses his data bank. "I can be there in… 3 days."

"Hurry," I whisper. "He doesn’t look well."

Thankfully Marcus seems better the next day and I help him downstairs to share dinner with me. He’s slept through most of the day.

His long grey hair reminds me that humans age differently from Minbari, but even I start to feel the burden of old age sneaking up on me. "Stephen Franklin will arrive the day after tomorrow," I inform him.

Marcus smiles. "I look forward to talking to him in person. 40 years are a long time and I wonder what he’s going to threaten me with this time. I used to be a terrible patient! It still amazes me that he managed to answer my call every week."

Satisfied I notice Marcus has eaten everything I served him and as I get up to prepare tea I state, "But sometimes 40 years is only a speck in time."

"Yes," Marcus murmurs and moves over to the couch.

His movement is slow and yet I notice that determination shines from his eyes. Encouraged I take the teacups with me and offer him one.

"You know," Marcus starts, "I still wonder how I manage to put up with you, year after year!"

I chuckle. We’ve had our share of fights over the years, but making love passionately always ended them. It took Marcus 2 cycles to let go of the dead, but then he started to enjoy life again. I’m certainly blessed with his love and dedication. It must have been hard on him at times to live here, severed from everyone he cared about. I hope he’s never regreted staying here. Remembering his remark I quip, "I can say the same thing of you!"

"Yes, we do drive each other mad at times!" Marcus admits and sips his tea. "You don’t mind Stephen coming here?"

"I don’t. I want to know what ails you, Marcus."

"Good," Marcus states and leans back in to the pillows. "We shared some fantastic times here, didn’t we?"

The choice of his words makes me feel apprehensive. It sounds like he’s saying good-bye. I nod my head, remembering discovering the waterfalls at the other end of the valley in summer and I fondly think back to that first snowball he threw at me. Marcus hit me right between my eyes. We even made some friends in a nearby settlement. Zathras was right. The natives here are friendly and at times they stop by to bring us freshly picked fruit.

But I’ll never forget the first time we made love. It was a tremendous achievement on Marcus’ part and I will always cherish his trust in me. I love him more than life itself.

"And we did harass Zathras!" Marcus says in a soft tone.

Drawn away from my earlier musings I realize that the alien has been our only link to the outside world. Thanks to his supplies we live here carefree. "Zathras should visit us shortly… in 3 weeks." Marcus yawns and shots me an apologetic look. "You’re still tired?" I ask, already aware of the answer.

"Hey, I’m getting old!" Marcus says in a berating tone. "You, on the other hand seem to possess eternal youth!"

"That is not true," I state vehemently. "I only age differently!"

"Neroon," Marcus quips, "I’m only teasing you!"

My smile is forced as I realize how drained he looks and I know it’s time to address the truth. "You’re right, Marcus. You are getting old."

"75," he says. "I never thought I’d live to see that age!"

"You almost didn’t!" I whisper, remembering his attempt to save Susan. I sigh as he places his hands in my lap and I immediately envelop them in mine.

"I know what’s happening," Marcus says in a calm tone. "I’m going to die shortly. It’s the way of life, Neroon. You cheated death once, but I won’t be that lucky."

My heart breaks apart hearing him speak those works with such resignation. "I know, but I’m not ready to accept that yet."

"You must," Marcus says with a smile on his face. "We had 40 years of bliss. Many people never get =one=. We’re the lucky ones."

I gently rub his fingers, which are small compared to mine and yet they possessed so much strength! "I am not good at saying good-bye."

"I found that out first hand!" Marcus chuckles.

"Yes, I avoided saying good-bye once, but I won’t do that this time," I promise.

"Then listen carefully," Marcus starts and snuggles up to me. "When I die you’ll mourn my death, like you did Narrier’s. Then you’ll move on, do you hear me?" he states determined. "I want you to carry on!"

"Marcus." I raise my hand to caress his face. "I’m also afraid of being alone and this place will always remind me of you."

"Then contact Delenn or Draal! Get off this planet!" Marcus’ voice gains intensity. "You once told me you’d love me from afar if necessary so you know I’ll always be in your heart. I’ll be with you where ever you are!"

"I don’t want discuss this," I object weakly and press him against my chest.

"We must," Marcus repeats. "I owe it to you to talk about this."

Marcus’ frail body rests against mine and I feel bones underneath his skin. He’s lost weight. Briefly I wish I had traveled to Yedor to take him with me to Epsilon 3 before Susan ever arrived. Then Marcus would never have used that accursed device and he’d live another 20 or 30 years.

"According to your beliefs," Marcus says, "what would happen to my remains?"

I shudder at the way he talks. "How can you be this… emotionally attached from…" and then I see his watered eyes. He’s doing his best not to fall apart in front of me and I compose myself. We’re warriors and death comes with the territory, no matter what its cause might be, battle, illness or old age.

"According to tradition your body will be burned within 3 days of your death and your ashes will be scattered in the winds."

Marcus is fighting to remain in control of his emotions and eventually he nods his head. "I want you to that when I’m dead."

"It will be done." Seeing his swimming eyes mine turn watered as well. I’ve become a sentimental fool over the years. "I want to spend every moment I can with you."

"Sometimes you act like a lovesick teenager, Roonie!" Marcus quips and precariously ducks away.

He knows I hate that particular nickname and Marcus uses it to push my buttons. But this time I suppress my initial reaction and hug him gently instead.

"You should establish contact with Stephen’s shuttle," Marcus says as he makes himself comfortable in the chair placed on the porch. "His shuttle will land any moment now."

"You’re right," I reply after checking the time. "I’ll be back with your friend in one hour."

"Get going or you’ll be late," Marcus says teasingly.

As I leave the house I notice that the early signs of autumn are starting to show across the landscape and the leaves are turning into different shades of red.

After crossing the distance to the clearing Zathras always uses to land his shuttle, I realize I’m late. Stephen Franklin is already standing in front of the shuttle and carries a med kit. He has also aged greatly and his hair has turned grey. The moment he sees me he starts walking towards me.

"You’re the one who contacted me," he says and extends his hand in greeting.

Recognizing the human gesture I shake his hand and nod my head. I decide to reveal my identity and say, "Yes, I’m Neroon." I doubt he still remembers me. We never met in person but I know Marcus told the physician about me. After momentarily pondering my name his eyes suddenly grow big with understanding.

"I know that name!" he suddenly states. "Marcus mentioned you after… you’re the Minbari who… you died 40 years ago!" Stephen shakes his head. "So that’s why Marcus left the station? I never knew…"

"I asked Marcus to keep silent. There are reasons for being this secretive."

"I can imagine that," Stephen replies in a thoughtful tone. "Didn’t your death end the Minbari civil war?"

"Yes, it did," I whisper and shrug my shoulders. "I’ll take you to Marcus now," I add and gesture him to come along.

"One moment, Neroon," a voice says, coming from the inside of the shuttle.

Hearing it causes shivers to run down my spine. "Delenn?" I mumble and back away as she slowly steps in to the sunlight. Reproachful I stare at Stephen Franklin. "You promised to keep this matter private!"

"It is not his fault I know you are still alive," Delenn says steadfast. "I was present when you contacted him and overheard your request."

I mentally curse myself for making such a mistake. "Why are you here?" I demand to know and try hard to ignore Delenn’s baffled expression. It looks like Draal never told her the truth!

"I want to talk to Marcus," she states determined.

"Why? He left the rangers after Susan’s death." I waver to show them the way to our home. Seeing Delenn this unexpectedly will shock Marcus and I’m not sure what his reaction will be like. A savage urge to protect him overwhelms me.

"Please, Neroon." Delenn looks up pleadingly and clasps her hands. "It has been over 40 years since he left Babylon 5 without ever telling me why he quit the rangers." Delenn pauses and adds, "Though I now realize =why= he left, looking at your face."

"Marcus never left the station voluntarily!" I correct her. "I took him with me after feeding him a dose of sleeping medication. He then decided to stay with me."

"Sorry to break this up," Stephen interjects, "but if Marcus needs medical attention we should be going… now!"

"You’re correct, of course," I reply apologetically and then turn to Delenn. "Let me talk to him first. Seeing you will certainly upset him."

Delenn nods her head approvingly. "You may talk to him first." She takes a few steps and smiles brightly. "I am glad you survived the Starfire, Neroon. I’ve never been able to shake my feelings of guilt after you took my place inside the wheel."

"You ought to thank Draal instead," I reveal and can’t help but return her smile. "Because of his guidance Marcus and I spent 40 years in bliss."

"I will thank him," she says absent-mindedly, pondering everything she heard this far.

Stephen Franklin is impatiently waiting for me to take him to Marcus and I set a quick pace, eager to get back to my lover.

In dark places part 51

Marcus

The sun warmed my tired body and now that it is cooling down outside I retreat back in to the house. Stephen and Neroon will arrive within minutes and I want to welcome them with a warm cup of tea, as we don’t have any caff.

I’m looking forward to seeing my old friend in person after so many years. Although he kept me updated on his career I’d like to talk to him about other things as well, like mutual friends. What happened to Zack Allen? Lyta? G’Kar? Zathras told us that Vir had become emperor after Londo’s death, but that’s all I know.

I do feel a little sad because Stephen never found the one person to share his life with. But deep down I’ve always realized that he isn’t a family man. Stephen would feel restricted when committed to a relationship.

After spending 40 years with Neroon I know Stephen is missing out on a lot, but Franklin will always put his career first, while Neroon and I =decided= on a life here on this planet. I’ve never regretted staying here.

The water comes to a boil and I search the cupboard for tea bags. I select three and pick up the tea mugs. All I can do now is wait and pace in anticipation.

Will Stephen still be annoyed with me for leaving like I did? Over the years he tried to find out where I’m hiding, but I never revealed our whereabouts to him. At times, not knowing where I was seemed to drive Stephen mad!

I chuckle fondly; impressed that he always answered my calls. I suspect he made time to answer them. I never asked him why though. Did he feel guilty because I found that blasted alien-healing device? Maybe I’ll get my answer shortly.

"Marcus?"

I immediately recognize Neroon’s voice and reply, "I’m in the kitchen!" The pain in my weary bones is acting up again and I’ve got to concentrate on pouring the water in to the cups instead of in to the sink. Finally I manage to put them on a tray and I carry it in to the living area.

Neroon opens the door and I smile seeing his worried expression. His arrogance vanished many years ago and he gained wisdom instead. I still think it’s a pity he wasn’t allowed a greater part in Minbari society. He’d have made an excellent Grey Council member. Although he never mentioned the Nine I think he’d make a good leader.

"Neroon," I start, wondering about his grave expression. "What’s the matter? Didn’t Stephen show up?"

"No, he did," Neroon replies and steps aside to let Franklin enter.

My heart misses a beat seeing him in person and I shake my head seeing Stephen’s grey hair, but he definitely kept himself in great shape. "You look well, my friend," I welcome him and walk over to Stephen who smiles in return.

"Marcus, it’s good to see you again!" Stephen says relieved and opens his arms.

I don’t hesitate and hug him. Except for Neroon and Susan he was the only one I could rely during my darkest hours. "Thanks for coming here," I whisper, struggling with fierce emotions.

"You look tired. I should run a few medical scans on you, Marcus," Stephen says with a grin on his face.

I can’t help but chuckle. "That’s always the first thing you say when we meet!" It’s the truth. In the old days I ended up in medlab too often. As I look at Neroon I notice his unease. "Neroon?"

"There’s someone else who wants to see you," Neroon says uncomfortably.

Stunned, I stare at Stephen who uncovered a small medical scanner and now switches it on.

"I trusted you to keep this secret!" I berate him in a shocked tone.

"I wasn’t alone when Neroon contacted me, Marcus," Stephen says apologetically. "She would have found out any way."

"She?" I whisper apprehensively.

"Yes, Marcus."

Hearing Delenn’s voice I sink on to the couch and swallow hard. What’s Delenn doing here? Oh my God! And now she knows Neroon is still alive too! This is bad!

Neroon quickly pulls me back to my feet and I let him. All I can do is to stare at Delenn’s frail shape as she steps inside the living area. She has aged as well, though only details reveal that truth.

I forget about bowing to show her my respects, as I’m totally overwhelmed by her unexpected presence. Paralyzed I watch her closely as she approaches. Her stride is still elegant though it lacks some of her former elegance. "Entil’Zha," I stutter, reverting back to old habits.

"Marcus," Delenn starts and smiles warmly. "I no longer carry that title."

I quickly glance at Neroon for support, but instead I’m drawn to Stephen’s worried look as he studies his readings.

"Neroon, Stephen, I would like to have a word with Marcus in private," Delenn says and immediately the two men walk over to the kitchen.

Don’t leave me alone with her! But Neroon doesn’t hear my mental plea and I stare at the floor. So Delenn is no longer Ranger One? I didn’t know that.

"Marcus? Please sit with me."

I can’t possible decline and take a seat next to her, trying to keep some distance, but she quickly slips closer. Before I realize what’s happening Delenn’s hand is cupping my chin and forcing me to lock eyes with her. Her compassionate eyes briefly take me aback.

"It has been 40 years," she says thoughtfully. "I missed your company, your advice and even your wit," Delenn admits.

"I’m sorry," is all I manage to choke out. Damn! Neroon should have made sure Stephen was alone when contacting him! "I was mentally a wreck after Susan’s death and when Neroon came for me… "Suddenly speechless I observe the intense expression in her eyes.

"You upset my plans," she quips. "Remember, I wanted you to succeed me as Ranger One."

"I’m sure you found another," I reply uncomfortably. She’s no longer touching my face but now her hands pull mine in to her lap. I don’t dare to resist and allow her to explore the palms of my hands. I wonder how much she has changed over the years.

"John succeeded me and now our son David has accepted leadership."

"A son? You have a son? I never knew that," I admit, feeling guilty.

"You would like him, Marcus." Delenn seems content and smiles. "I only want to know one thing, Marcus. Why did you leave the rangers after Susan’s death?"

I dreaded answering this question and I always hoped to avoid it. 40 years ago I refused to talk to her, denied her this answer. Now I’ve got spit it out. "When I was in Earthforce I watched too many deaths and as William returned to Arisia to convince me to join the rangers, the Shadows attacked and destroyed the colony. During my time as a ranger I felt surrounded by death and I… secretly craved death, my death," I finally confess.

Delenn releases a strangled sound. "We suspected you joined the rangers for the wrong reasons. You wanted to atone for deaths you did not cause. It is good to see you finally acknowledge that."

"Neroon made me face it," I whisper and hear Delenn’s approving sigh. "He made me let go off all the guilt."

"Neroon and you are happy here?" she asks in a knowing tone.

"I’ve spent the best years of my life here," I reply and manage to catch Neroon’s stare. "I love him."

"And he loves you." Delenn doesn’t wait for confirmation and adds, "I’ve received a satisfactory answer to my question." She gets to her feet and straightens out her dress.

I quickly rise from the sofa as well and manage to retrieve my hands. She had a surprisingly strong hold on them. Lost for words I look at her pleadingly. A moment later I stutter, "Can you forgive me for leaving you like that?"

Delenn ponders that request and then nods her head. "You made a choice and I will respect that. May Valen bless Neroon and you," she says and inclines her head.

"And may he bless you too, Delenn," I say emotionally. As she turns to leave I feel melancholy.

"The White Star will return in a few days to pick up Stephen," she adds as she stands in the doorway. "We will never see each other again." Her eyes grow dark as she whispers, "Farewell, Marcus."

"Farewell, Delenn," I mumble in an awkward tone and feel incredibly relieved the moment she’s vanished out of sight. Swaying on my feet I slowly sit down and call for Neroon. "You should have warned me earlier!" I chide him pleadingly.

"I didn’t know she was coming here with your friend," he reveals in a guilty tone. "But it was good you talked to her. The both of you need closure."

"And what about you?" I ask. "Don’t you need it?"

"I can never have it," Neroon says saddened. "I’m dead, remember?"

I nod my head and wish our lives hadn’t been that damn complicated! But before I can continue my conversation with Neroon Stephen interrupts us.

"Marcus, I need to perform other scans as well and I suggest you lie down first," he states in a determined tone.

"Don’t nag," I reply in a teasing tone and smile reassuringly. "I know I’m dying, Stephen."

Stephen takes a deep breath and sits down. "Why do you say that?"

"The alien-healing device."

Stephen nods his head once. "It drained you of a large part of your life force, Marcus. I’m sorry. I should have destroyed that infernal machine when I had the chance!"

"It saved Garibaldi’s life," I remind him and as Stephen looks up questioningly I add, "I hacked through your files that day."

"Marcus? Let me take you to our bedroom," Neroon says softly.

I wish there were a way spare him, as I never wanted him to watch me die. Neroon’s eyes are swimming and I treasure the concern reflected in them. "I can walk by myself," I object, but accept his arm as they accompany me to the bedroom.

One hour later Stephen finished another scan and his brow turned knitted a long time ago. There’s only one question I’d like answered. "How long before I die?"

Neroon swallows hard hearing my question and I squeeze his hands, encouraging him to stay during the examination. "And tell me the truth, Stephen, I can take it!"

Stephen uncomfortably rubs his chin. "I need to run other scans, but…" Uncertain of his next words he looks up. "Judging by the readings I’d say only a few more days. A week, max."

"Thanks for being honest," I whisper and smile. The pain tormenting my body is getting worse and I grit my teeth to not cry out.

"I’ll give you something for the pain," Stephen says and chuckles in spite of the seriousness of the situation. "And don’t deny you’re in pain! You can’t fool a scanner, Marcus!"

"I wasn’t going to deny…" I start, but seeing Neroon’s upset eyes I shut up.

"Why didn’t you tell me you’re in pain?" Neroon asks crestfallen.

"It’s bearable," I assure him and pull his hand close to my chest. Stephen injects something in to my arm and the pain fades away. "A few days," I mumble and raise my left hand to caress Neroon’s face. "I want to spend them with you," and then I look at Stephen. "Will you stay until I…? I can’t speak the words. I don’t want Neroon to be alone when I die. He’ll need someone to talk to.

"I’ll stay, Marcus."

Slowly I close my eyes as fatigue gets the better of me. I refuse to let go of Neroon’s hand and can’t suppress the tear that slips down my cheek. I don’t want to leave him! But I’ve got no choice. Death comes for all of us.

In dark places part 52

Neroon

"I want to go to the waterfalls," Marcus states resolved.

I immediately nod my head. He’s grown weaker these last 3 days and I sense the end closing in on him. I’ve always trusted my instincts and they’re telling me now that we’ve only got hours left.

"Do you want Stephen to accompany us?" I ask concerned. Marcus and he talked for many hours yesterday and I have no idea what they discussed as I decided to give them some privacy and went for walk. I also needed to recompose myself after finding out the truth about Marcus’ condition.

"No, just the two of us," Marcus decides and pulls the blanket that Stephen wrapped around his body closer.

"You can’t walk that distance," I point out to him. It’s only because of the pain medication that he’s able to think clearly. Otherwise the pain would be too much to bear.

"Then you’ll have to carry me!" Marcus quips in an amused tone. "Think you can carry me all the way, old man?"

I laugh in spite of his condition. "I’m not that old yet!" I chide him and slowly push my hands underneath his body and lift him to my chest. It breaks my heart to hear his labored breathing. I tell myself to hurry and leave the house, which has been our home for so long.

"It’s still warm for this time of the year," Marcus remarks pleased.

He rests his head against my chest and I shiver realizing I’m running out of time! I quicken my pace and concentrate on his breathing to immediately register a change. "It will only take me 30 minutes to get there," I inform him and hope Marcus can hold out that long.

"Keep walking," Marcus says and closes his eyes.

Briefly I’m scared he’s stopped breathing, but then I realize he’s only fallen asleep.

"Marcus? Wake up," I whisper and gently pull his head in to my lap. My hands rub his for warmth and as he finally looks up at me I quiver seeing the love in his eyes.

"The waterfalls?" he inquires weakly.

"We’ve made it," I reply and raise my right hand to shield his eyes from the sun.

"I hear the water," he says and smiles. "I love this place."

"So do I," I admit in a shaky tone as his eyes slowly lose their shimmer. Oh, Valen, I need to be strong now!

"It’s time, Neroon," Marcus says with certainty. "It’s time to say good-bye. I promise I’ll wait for you on the other side," he pauses, chuckles and says, "if there =is= an after life, that is!"

"Our souls will find each other in a next life," I say, fighting my tears and losing the battle. Slowly salty tears crawl down my cheeks. "I will find you," I promise emotionally. "Love is eternal."

"I’ll hold you to that promise," Marcus says barely audible.

He’s slipping away and there’s nothing I can do to stop it! "Marcus, I love you," I whisper desperately.

"And I love you too, Neroon," Marcus whispers and his eyes open wide for one last time. "Remember me when I’m gone."

"Oh, not a single day will pass without me mourning your death!" I yelp and press my lips on his brow.

"Let me go, Neroon," Marcus moans in emotional pain.

I nod my head. "Your time has come, Marcus and I’ll honor your memory by carrying on as you wanted me to."

Marcus’ smile brightens hearing that vow and his eyes start to close as life leaves them. His fingers let go and his head slips to one side. As he releases his last breath I kiss him one more time.

Time stands still and I no longer register the sound of the water crashing on to the rocks. Everything alive around me seems to hold its breath as my fingers caress his lifeless body. A violent scream builds in my throat at this loss and as I release my sorrow my cry splits the air in two.

Pressing Marcus’ remains close to my chest I carry him back to our home and my limps grow heavier with every step I take. I want Marcus to return to me, but his fierce spirit has left his mortal shell.

"One day," I vow, "I’ll find your soul and we’ll be reunited again." As I reach the house I’m not surprised to see Draal’s hologram next to Stephen. "He died one hour ago," I say in an emotionless tone. "In three days I will light his pyre. In the meantime I will meditate and fast." Without giving them a chance to reply I take Marcus inside and after putting his body on the bed I search the closet for his ranger outfit.

Three days later I watch the flames consume the body of the man I loved, still love. I can’t accept he’s dead yet, as deep down in my heart I’m still in denial. I don’t feel ashamed as tears stain my face. Even a warrior is allowed to mourn his lover’s death.

Stephen and Draal stayed and now stand opposite me. Franklin’s eyes are also watered as he gave up fighting his emotions. I do feel grateful I’m not alone. If I had been on my own I might have broken my promise and would have taken my life on this day.

"Neroon," Draal starts, "come back to Epsilon 3 with me."

"No," I whisper, reluctant to leave this place.

"Remember Marcus’ request," Stephen says and his voice trails off.

"I need you," Draal says determined. "Neroon, listen to me!"

I turn to look at his hologram and remember Marcus’ relief as I promised to carry on. "Why do you need me?" I want to know as the fire starts to extinguish. According to Minbari custom the wind will carry his ashes away.

"I’m old and the Great Machine… I can no longer serve it properly and it told me it wants you to take my place. It’s a great honor," Draal finishes.

"Another task," I murmur. "Marcus would want me to accept."

"Yes, he would," Stephen says determined. "But give yourself time to mourn his death, don’t repress it."

"I won’t," I assure him and mentally thank Stephen for being this concerned about me, a stranger.

"I accept," I whisper and notice Draal’s relieved sigh. In my pocket my fingers are curled around a lock of Marcus’ hair. I cut it off as I dressed him in his ranger uniform. A part of him will always be with me.

"Marcus, I will find you," I whisper as Stephen and Draal retreat to grant me one last moment of privacy before leaving. "I will find you in our next life!"

The end