Lost in the Dark

Author: Shara Nesu

Feedback: Shara-Nesu@supanet.com. Love it? Please.

Disclaimer: Joss & TV company owns them all! Until I win the lottery and buy Angel - himself.

Spoilers: Lets say the end of Angel season 2 & Buffy Season 5 & beginning Season 6.

Category/Pairings: Spike/Angel.

Rating: NC17 Warning: M&M sex

Distribution: Want, Have, Take.

Summery: End of Season 2 Angel gets captured by demons that bind his soul, however, there is a price - Angel’s sight. Cordelia and Wesley, after trying to find a cure, bring home certain bleached blond from Sunnydale to help. And it’s not Buffy.

Archived: Shara's place: http://www.shara-nesu.supanet.com/index.html


Lost in the Dark
By Shara Nesu

Cordelia's POV:

"It's Buffy."

I will always remember those words. Words whispered by my friend, Angel. I learned to loathe that so simple a sentence. When we came home from Pylea Angel was so happy. We were all relieved to be back where we belonged in our own little way. Even me. I wasn't a princess here, but at least they had Vogue and facial scrubs. I remember Angel spotting Willow sitting on one of the couches in the lobby. She didn't have to say a word. Angel knew and understood. I didn't, not until later. Buffy was dead. Gone. I saw the heartache and pain in Angel's eyes. I saw anger too, because he wasn't there to save her - though from the sound of it, I doubt he could have. Willow told us what happened and how Buffy had sacrificed herself. I remember looking at Angel and wondering what he was going to do now.

I worried about him, feared for him, and then he did it - he left. I screamed, fumed about him leaving us again. I even blamed Buffy for what happened. Everyone. I raged at the world and my friends. Angel had deserted me again. Abandoned me to the visions that were slowing killing me. I refused to go out to attempt to find Angel. I refused to talk about him. All month I didn't say his name - not once. Even Wesley and Gunn were angry at him. Poor Fred was lost without him. She never came out of her room and never spoke to anyone. I blamed Buffy for all of this. I blamed Angel.

I was so wrong.

I look over at Wesley driving Angel's Plymouth. It's funny, but I don't think Angel will ever drive this car again. Maybe we should sell it. We're going to need some money soon. Still, I don't think I could part with it. It's a part of Angel; well, it's a part of what Angel used to be.

"We'll be there soon," Wesley comments. I know he's trying to make conversation but I just don't feel like putting the effort in. I look out of the car window as we pass the welcome sign. Welcome to Sunny - Sunnydale. Yeah, right. Welcome to arms in boxes, witches, invisible girls and of course the hundreds upon hundreds of vampires that flock here.

"You sure you know where we're going?" I ask him curiously.

"Yes, Giles has bought that magic shop on main street."

Oh, that place. Where the owners kept getting killed. Not something I would go into. We arrive around 20 minutes later, finally reaching the correct address after Wesley got lost, though he refused to admit it. The place looks to be open, and it seems like Giles

has refurbished.

"Are you going to be okay?" Wesley gently put his hand on my arm and squeezes it. I nod, take a deep breath and open the shop door. It seems we have walked into the middle of a heated debate. Willow, Xander and Spike (isn't he the evil guy?) are arguing over some book. Giles and Anya are at the till trying to count the money on the counter.

"Cordelia?" Suddenly, Xander glances over at us, and everyone goes silent.

He comes forward and gives me a big hug. Boy, he acts like we're friends or something. "I thought you said you'd never come back!" It's strange but he seems happy to see me. Everyone starts talking, asking how things have been, what's been happening in LA, how's Angel - still brooding? Xander laughs, but all I feel like doing is crying. Giles seems to notice my distress and he puts on the kettle. Why do the English always think all your problems can be solved with a cup of tea?

When the tea is ready, Giles sits us down and hands out the rich tea biscuits. Strangely, the tea is calming and strong, and I'm beginning to feel a little more confident to tell our story.

"It's Angel," I start, wiping a tear from my eye. "This hasn't been a good year for any of us. Things went badly, but then they picked up. We started working as a team and then Gunn joined us and well... we were beginning to bring in a little money. Then something happened. It was right after Willow came to LA..." I can't talk, I feel choked up.

"Has Angel...?" Willow can't speak the words.

"Angel's alive," Wesley calms their fears immediately.

"What's the old git done then?" Spike laughs.

I stare at him, tears running freely from my eyes. "Angel's blind!" I weep, "and its all my fault!"

Wesley tells them what happened because I can't. Angel stayed in his room for days after Buffy's death. Mainly we just left him to grieve in his own way. Angel was always a loner. So we all let him get on with it. What could we say to him? I had convinced myself he'd get himself back on track, and it would be just like that time he said he'd had an epiphany. 'Angel's strong,' I said, 'he'll be fine. He'll get through it.' I should have paid more attention.

Then one day I went upstairs to find his apartments empty. Angel was gone. His clothes, some books, everything had been cleared out. What was I supposed to think? I thought he had abandoned us again. That he'd gone AWOL because he couldn't stand the grief. I was angry, okay! I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't go looking for him; the worse part is I convinced the others of my convictions too. A month later, I get a vision.

A vision of Angel.

The vision was pretty simple. Angel hanging in chains, a bright light, burning behind my eyes, then I felt pain and agony as if they were being ripped out. I saw me and the rest of the gang looking on and doing nothing to save him. I screamed as Angel burst into dust, and I knew he had committed suicide. He had killed himself because we had failed him. I was desperate to find him after that. I think we searched the whole city. In the end we found him in an abandoned warehouse. The gang killed these strange-looking demons that had kidnapped him from his home and held him prisoner for a month. They were in the process of torturing him again when we finally came to the rescue.

I remember looking at his thin, broken form and blaming myself for everything. If only I hadn't been so stubborn, so childish. When he was freed I held him in my arms. Held him as I wept. Held him as he screamed in the darkness. We didn't know what they had done to him until we brought him back to the Hyperion. The guys carried him in and I dressed his wounds. He begged me to help him. I couldn't decipher what it was that he wanted. I thought he meant he was in pain. He screamed and wept, reaching out blindly for me. Gunn brought him some blood but Angel couldn't find the cup. We all watched with growing horror as Angel tried desperately to reach it. His hands stretching out in vain, and his eyes - Oh god, his eyes!

We all watched the colour of Angel's iris and pupil fade away to nothing. It was amazing to watch. The browns and blacks dissolved until all that was left was white. The spell finally completing its task. I held Angel as he screamed and howled at the world in general. I don't know if it was because he was in pain or that he was afraid. Wesley looked through all the books until he had found an answer. What had happened to Angel was an attempt to save him. The demons we had killed were good guys. I was almost hysterical as Wesley told me.

These demons - the illuminarte - were demons of the soul. They had bound Angel's soul to him to prevent Wolfram and Hart from bringing forth Angelus. They had acted on their own, without the blessing of the Powers that Be. They had secured Angel's soul, but the price had been high. In many cultures it is believed that the eyes are the windows to the soul. These demons held that it was a way for the soul to escape, and so they had closed that door forever. For Angel that meant blindness. They had kept his soul safe but the price had been his sight.

With those words the Sunnydale gang had fallen mute. For the first time there was no quips, or jokes, not even questions - just silence. Even Xander seemed to look sorry. I looked over at Angel's childe, Spike, and the effect was the same. His face was devoid of emotion, silent, betraying nothing of the feeling inside. Did he care for his sire? Or was he secretly celebrating Angel's downfall?

"Why did you come here?" Giles asks in the end, getting to the point of our visit.

"We've looked everywhere in LA for an answer. For a way to help return Angel's sight. We can't find one, and you are our last hope. You and Willow." Wesley rubs his eyes and shakes his head. "Still, I don't think there is an answer. I don't know..." Even he looks pessimistic.

~*~*~*~

It was hours before Giles had an answer - it wasn't the one we were looking for. Like everywhere else, there was no hope. No method known could return Angel's sight. The books had said the illuminarte's spell was unbreakable. I sat and cried while Willow comforted me. Even Wesley had to wipe his glasses. We had just found each other; we were working as a team, getting the business off the ground, and now it had all been destroyed. The one who surprised me the most was Spike. After the verdict was made clear, I swear I saw a tear in his eye, but I might have been mistaken.

"Well, what we waiting for then?" Spike asks me suddenly.

"What?" Wesley looks from me to Spike and back again.

"You're going back to LA, aren't you? Well, I'm coming with you."

Excuse me?

Spike's POV:

The journey to LA is long and incredibly boring. Then again, what would one good-looking vampire, an ex-cheerleader and a stuffy Englishman have to discuss? Stupid humans won't even let me play any of my music. I talked them into stopping by my crypt, where I picked up my CD's and a few clothes. It's strange, but I don't regret leaving Sunnydale. I know I should help look after Little Bit, but since Buffy... Since my beautiful Slayer died there is nothing here for me. It's all meaningless. I don't even feel like fighting anymore. Which is *so* not me. I'm the Big Bad remember... Oh bloody hell, I can't even be bothered to put the effort in. I'm just useless, chipped Spike and nothing more.

I'm not entirely sure why I am going to LA either. It's just a feeling deep inside, that I have to go. Angel is my sire, no matter what I tell anyone. I was angry when he left us, and so I changed my story. I told everyone that Drusilla turned me. *Laugh* My poor love couldn't turn a fruit fly. It's not like she doesn't know how, she just forgets to finish it.

So here I am. I haven't a clue what I'm doing. Why I'm going to see my sightless sire. (Hey, that an sibilance! Maybe I could go back to poetry? Hell no!) I don't know how to help him. It's not like I know any magic or anything. I don't know how to look after the blind. Crazy, yes. But blind, hell no.

"What's the poofter been..." nasty look from Cordelia, "err, Angel been doing then, since he went blind?"

"Doing? That's the whole problem - he's not doing anything," says Wesley in a huff.

"It's not his fault! He can't see anything!" Cordelia starts to cry again and Wesley gently pats her knee. I think I see their main problem right here. I'm laying bets that Cordelia will be doing everything for Angel. She's even got that motherly instinct firing off about him. I have to watch what I say because a spiteful Cordelia is a fright to behold. I knew that even before I was chipped.

I keep stum (English slang for silent) the rest of the journey. It's a huge relief when we finally arrive at Angel's new digs. A bloody monolithic hotel called the Hyperion. I just know that his Angelus-ly side must have unconsciously picked out this place. It's so decadent and even feels evil. Inside, Angel Investigations has taken over the front lobby. Looks almost cosy. As soon as I get through the doors, however, Cordelia turns on me.

"Okay, Spike. I don't know why you are so adamant that you can help Angel, but you dare hurt him, and I swear I'll stake you so fast even your dust won't know which way to fly."

"Hey, I said I won't hurt Angel, didn't I? I told you back in Sunnydale that I only came here because I know how to look after afflicted vampires. Take Dru for example - I looked after her for a hundred years." I pat her arm and she instinctively draws away. "You can't do everything for him, luv. He's going to have to learn to take care of himself."

I know I've hit the nail on the head when Cordelia runs off wailing again. No wonder they are having problems with Angel. Even I learned that with Dru, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Who better to deal out cruelty than me? The Big Bad. Oh yeah, I'm back!

"Spike! I need to talk to you." Oh great, now the Watcher is going to lecture me. I roll my eyes and follow him into his office. Yep, I know about Angel working for humans now. The vampire grapevine is a fast service. Also I lurk around the Scooby gang, and boy do they gossip.

"So what do you want, Watcher?" I grin at him and Wesley looks a little nervous. It amazes me how he can work around Angelus, Scourge of Europe, but feels nervous talking to William the Bloody. Pillock!

"There are going to have to be some rules, Spike. I don't like you being here, but it might be for the best, for Angel's sake that is. As you have seen, Cordelia is a little protective around him. It's not healthy and now... well, now things are looking worse," he sighs and sits down in his leather chair. "Do you like Angel?"

"No." What kind of question is that?

"Good. That's best."

"What are you talking about, Watcher?" He's beginning to annoy me; I'd really like to bite him right about now.

"Cordelia and Fred... err... a girl that we brought back from Plyea, have been taking care of Angel - full time. He doesn't do anything for himself. He won't feed, wash, talk. He won't come out of his room. He hasn't moved from the bed in nearly a month. It's not healthy for him. Maybe... Maybe it's best if we..."

"Oh, no you don't." I know what he's saying. The point he's trying to get to. I certainly can't understand why it's upsetting me so much, but I won't let them kill my sire. And I can't do it! It's against the lore and well, I just can't... "You don't just go kill someone because they are blind and certainly not my Sire!"

"I'm thinking of what is best for Angel!" Wesley shouts back.

Yeah right! If he was thinking of Angel then staking him would never have entered his head! Wesley doesn’t care about a vampire - he cares about his champion and how to get the job done. Nothing more!

"No, you're thinking what is best for you and your business!" Why on earth am I so upset about this? As soon as the idea or mention of Angel's death comes up, I get defensive. I don't even like Angel. Maybe I just can't stand the thought of someone else dying on me. Another family member gone. "No! You give me two weeks. Just two weeks, and then you can decide what to do with him. There is one condition, however. You keep the Cheerleader, and this Fred away from him." At least Wesley is considering my words. You can almost see it ticking over in his brain.

"Okay, two weeks and then we talk again."

What the hell am I doing? Two weeks! Two weeks to get my brooding, mega-melancholy sire Sire in some sort of state to look after himself. Why should I care? Oh, bloody hell. This is all Buffy's fault. She damn well loved him, and I just can't let that part of her die. I need to find a fag. I'm remembering why I started smoking in the first place - Drusilla was enough to make anyone want to jump off London Bridge. Great, another snag just occurred to me - why the hell would Angel want my help? Most likely he won't even try to listen to me - the Childe who had him tortured with hot pokers. Why do I get myself into these predicaments?

I stomp upstairs to Angel's room - no 217, I believe Wesley said. I quietly open the door and peek inside. Nothing. Totally silent. I think I half expected Angel to pounce at me from some dark corner. I am a little nervous about seeing him. Yes, I know the Big Bad shouldn't be afraid of anything, but this feels strange. Angel is blind. That's something I won't really believe until I see it. I move into the main room, and have a gander around. Not bad, no TV though, kitchen with a fridge is good, then I notice glass doors leading into the bedroom. Before I can enter, a door opens behind me and a young girl walks out.

I hide in the shadows and she doesn't notice me. She's far too concerned with carrying a large basin of water and towel. She's a pretty little thing. Petite, long brown hair, small nose - strange black-rimmed glasses. She certainly doesn't follow fashion in that respect. She goes into the bedroom, and I hear her talking to Angel. He doesn't respond, and seconds later she comes back out, directly turning into the bathroom. I silently make my way into Angel's bedroom and watch.

Angel doesn't even realise I'm here. He should do - a Sire can sense his own Childer. Angel is a sad, sad vampire and... What's this? Angel uncurls his long form from the bed and hesitantly climbs out of it. He's very thin and pale. It’s obvious that he hasn't eaten enough for a long time. I observe him as he stretches his arms out before him and struggles to feel his way around. I'm guessing he has missed my presence here because all of his attention is focused on listening out for a heartbeat. That girls Fred’s heartbeat. The sly devil. He's not so helpless. As soon as he knew she had gone, he moved from the bed.

Angel cautiously makes his way to a little cabinet and opens it. Inside is a first aid kit and some bottles of whiskey. Now this is interesting. He blindly reaches inside and his hand brushes against a bottle. He freezes a moment when the bottle rocks, but it doesn't fall. His fingers close around it and he carefully pulls it out. Next, he goes for the first aid kit. His fingers fumble to open it, but I think he's done this many times before. He deftly opens the catch and draws out a bottle of painkillers. Oh yes, he's done this many times before. He uncaps the bottle and downs the pills. The whole lot. Then he moves on to the next part of this ritual and opens the whiskey. That goes down much the same way.

Suddenly, I hear the heartbeat come nearer and so does Angel, even in his growing drunken state. He hobbles and reaches out for the bed. He doesn't make it. Angel falls flat on his face, tripping over a rug. I hear a sob and he pounds the floor with his fists.

"Angel!" I twist around and see Fred standing at the door. Her eyes fall on me and... "Arrgh!!"

The small girl comes at me like a lioness. All extended fingers and... hey, she tried to bite me! I manage to push her off and she falls back on the bed. In seconds she's up again but I evade her, and endeavour to keep her at a distance.

"Spike?" Angel's voice is rough and he tries to sit up. He's not very successful and bumps his head on the table at the end of the bed. This place is full of hazards. "Let her go!" he shouts, panicked. His hands thrust out blindly before him, as if trying to find her.

"Fred!" he yells.

"I'm okay, Angel," she answers back as we encircle each other.

"Look, I'm a friend, okay? Just hear me out."

"Fred, don't trust him!"

"Come on, Angel. I can't hurt her," I answer back. He knows about the chip, he was there over a year ago in Sunnydale, when they tied me up in the Watcher's house. Fred gives me the evil eye, and I'm pretty sure she knows where to stick a stake.

"Okay." Fred agrees, after a long tense moment. We move out into the main room and I tell her the full story. She looks a little concerned, and then goes to look at Angel for one last time before she leaves. She comments about checking with Wesley, but even she can see how Angel needs forcing to accept his new life. She might not know me but cares too much about Angel to prevent something that would help him live again. Though I’m not even entirely sure if I can get through to him. Hell, do I even want to?

"Spike!" Angel yells from his position on the floor. I walk back to the bedroom door and look down at him. Mmmm... nice position.

"Hello Peaches, I'm new nurse." That really gets him. Angel's face is a picture of shock and disbelief. It's a true pleasure to behold.

"What are you talking about? Where's Fred?"

"Oh, they won't be back. It's just you and me now, mate."

"Spike! Damn it, get me up." He struggles again, but can't steady his feet. Looks like the overdose of painkillers is kicking in.

"Oh no, Peaches. You got yourself there and now you can get yourself back. Oh forgot, you can't, can you? Too many pills and too much whiskey." Angel's face crumbles and to my horror, he begins to cry. He curls himself into a tiny ball on the floor and weeps into his arms. I don't do anything. This is his first lesson.

I turn and leave Angel lying on the floor. Wesley said I could have any of the guests room, but I think I'll need to stay near Angel. Therefore I'm going to have a couch and TV if this is going to work. I guess Angel won't be going anywhere tonight. So I am off on a Angel Investigations financed shopping spree.

~*~*~*~

Next Evening:

Wesley and Cordelia were not happy about buying a comfortable sofa-bed and the huge TV, but I said that was the price for my services. Cordelia was about to throw me out, but in the end Wesley agreed. So with the help of some other guy that works for them - Gunn - I move in with Angel. I am going to love the look on his face when he finds out.

Speaking of Angel, I check his bedroom again. Nope, he hasn't moved since yesterday. He’s still curled up on the floor, sleeping off his drunken and drugged state. That was my second task. I cleared out all of Angel's little stashes of alcohol. I actually shed a tear as I poured it down the sink. What a waste. I took a couple of swigs, because I couldn't bear to see it all go down the drain. However, it has to go because Angel can smell it. The same goes for the painkillers. Also everything else I think he might try to take - all weapons and medication have to go.

Next is the furniture. The tables go and anything in the centre of the room is pushed back to the sides. All the rugs go too. In the main sitting room the only thing in the centre is the sofa-bed. There is nothing around that Angel can trip over. Also on my little clean-up trip, I discovered that someone has blacked out all the windows, and chained the balcony door. I guess Angel tried to take a little sunlit stroll.

With all that done, my next task is to sit and wait for Angel to wake up. Of course, my waiting includes watching the TV and eating the snack food that AI paid for. I just love this TV; huge, 36 inch wide monstrosity with built in DVD player. It's great. It's worth having to watch Angel for awhile.

It's around 10pm when Angel finally starts to move. I hear him cough and moan. He must have a real beaut of a hangover from his little pill cocktail.

"Fred! Cordelia!"

I told you they did everything for him. He shouts out for them again, but I don't answer. I can hear him trying to stand and he shrieks in alarm. I guess he's just released the table's gone.

"Spike!" Finally!

"Damn it, help me."

"You got yourself down there Peaches, now get yourself back up!" I wander into the bedroom, and watch him reaching out blindly on the floor. He is one pathetic vampire. Even a human would be doing better than he is. "What are you trying to do?" I ask disgusted.

"You've taken away the furniture." He actually sounds panicked.

I roll my eyes, and decide to give him a break. I lean down, grasp his hand, and help him stand up. Both of Angel's hands grip my arm and he holds on for dear life. For the first time, I notice his eyes. They are like what Cordelia said - pure white. It saddens me for some reason. Those brown chocolate-coloured orbs are gone forever. Where did the chocolate part come from? I sigh and... Eww.

"Peaches, you need a shower. Come on," I start to pull him towards the door and he screams. Definitely not what I expected for the ex-Scourge of Europe. He scrabbles away from me, falls onto the bed and then lands on the floor - again. "Damn it, Angel what the hell is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong?" he bellows back, "I thought that was pretty obvious - I'm blind! I can't see anything. Nothing! I can't find the bathroom. I can't leave this room. Please, bring Cordelia up here, please!" He's weeping again. He is a... a disgrace. This isn't the Angel I know. This isn't the Dark Avenger fighting for truth, justice and the American way. Or was that Superman? God, I have got to avoid talking to Xander.

"Get off the floor!" I order, in my 'don't mess with me - I mean it' voice. The one I learned was very effective with Dru. Still nothing - it looks like he's going to be stubborn. I grab hold of his shirt and rip it off. Fine, if he won't do this the easy way, we will do it the Spike way. Next I pull off his jeans and leave him on the floor half naked. He weeps and struggles, but doesn't really do anything like fighting. It's all hopeless, half-hearted stuff. The truth is: I don't think he really cares about anything. That sickens me. This is my sire. Even Buffy fought harder than this. I know she had a little trouble with Glory, but in the end she came through. Even though it cost her her life. Angel's not even trying to battle this; my sire is a bloody quitter and I won't allow that to continue.

I go into the bathroom, fill a basin with water, and return to Angel. He hasn't moved, having made no effort at all. So, I do it. I tip the water over him and he yelps in shock. I made sure it was damn cold too.

"Get up!" I yell at him again. Still nothing. This time I kick at his leg.

"I can't," he weeps, "Please Spike, we aren't friends... just end it... please!"

"You are my bloody Sire, ya bastard." I kick him again. I'm really pissed now. "I've already watched too many people I love walk away or die! I won't watch you too. Buffy wouldn't have given up. She would have fought - she did fight - and all you can do is sit there on your bloody ass!"

Angel is silent for a long moment. He just sits and stares - oh, I forgot, he can't stare - well, he faces my direction. I fear what he's going to say. That I've become weak or gone soft. I can't believe what I've just said, but I think it's true. Everything I've ever had has been taken from me. Life, Angelus, Dru, Buffy and now Angel wants to leave me. Well I won't let him! He's the only thing from my past that I have left.

Totally out of the blue, Angel gets on his hands and knees, then carefully stands on his feet. Unsteady hands reach out before him and he takes a step forward. Then another. And another until he's almost facing me. Wow! It worked! I can't believe something I did actually worked. I don't say a word, but just take hold of his arm. I don't lead, just steady him.

"Put your hand out straight before you," I instruct him. He stops waving it around and does as I say. "Now count your steps." I direct him towards the bathroom and he mumbles the words. He notices when he turns and which direction. He stops when his hand touches the wall. "Find the door." He hesitates a moment but then glides his hand across the wall. Finally it comes into contact with the door frame. "Now the handle." Angel reaches out with his other hand and does the same thing across the door. When he finds the handle, he turns it.

"Right, where are we?"

"Huh?"

"Come on Angel, you're a vampire. You have better smell than humans." He sniffs the air, but his face is still puzzled.

"Good grief, can't you smell the water? Lemon bleach? Poofy after-shave?" Angel nods, and I guide him inside. This is going to be fun - not! How am I going to get him clean? "Take your shorts off, Angel."

He doesn't, just stands there fidgeting. "Spike, I can't... well...I..."

He's embarrassed! "Look mate, it isn't like I haven't seen it before, is it? You had it up my ass enough times for me to know your cock intimately."

"Oh." Angel pulls down his poofy silk boxers, and stands there naked. Well, that is a surprise! He's half hard. Guess it remembers me too, even if Angel doesn't admit to it.

I decide my best bet is to bathe him. A shower would be too close, too personal, and then there is the possibility of him slipping over. I fill the tub and put in some smelly girly stuff. I take his arm, and help him sit into the soapy water. He sighs as the warm water covers his skin. Angelus was always partial to a bath too. I recall when we used to bathe together. Warm bubbly water, warm hands...

Shut up! What the hell has gotten into me? I won't remember the times Angelus and I had together. I'm supposed to hate him. Though I guess, I don’t do that much, because here I am after all. This is too confusing. I realise that that isn't the only thing which is perplexing. I'm hard, so much so that it's almost painful pushing against my tight jeans. What the hell is happening to me?

Angel reaches out and accidentally brushes my chest. His touch is soft and wet, leaving a damp spot on my T-shirt. The skin underneath my fingers goose pimples, begging for his long-denied touch.

"Sorry," he mumbles, "I was looking for the sponge." I hand it to him and quickly stand up.

"Err... call me when you're finished." I swiftly exit the bathroom. What am I doing? Getting turned on by Angel's body, that's what! Something I vowed to never do again. Angelus left his family; he deserted me and Drusilla. Then this Angel comes along and tries to kill us. Well, that was more the slayer, but he was still there. Oh, and he also warned Dru to leave without hurting her. Still, I've decided never again to think of him like that, to... but he did look a little thin. All those beautiful hard abs muscles were wasting away to nothing. Bloody hell, I need a fag!

About half an hour later there is a crash and splash from the bathroom. I run in to find Angel half in, half out of the tub. I guess the shower would have been better. Hey, I'm new at this! When I was looking after Dru (a little different I know) I used to bathe with her. I'm certainly not doing that with Angel. I run to him and grab his arm.

"Sorry, I didn't see..." he trails off, his eyes filling with tears.

"It's okay, mate. I should have realised." I help him out of the tub and wrap a towel around him. He looks far better now, smells fresher too. Almost like his old self - musk and spice. "I'm assuming you can do your hair," I say, grinning. That's bound to get a reaction.

"I've done it long enough without a mirror, Spike!"

Well, at least he's doing something - even if it's arguing with me. Angel reaches out and tries to find the sink. I sigh again.

"Angel, what are you doing? You're thinking like a human again."

"What do you mean?"

"You're a bloody vampire, peaches. You have 4 senses better than any humans. You have 4 senses better than any other blind person ." I grab his arm and pull him over to the sink. "Now, what do you smell?"

"I don't know..."

"Try!" He's going backwards again. He's going back into the 'I can't do anything' mode. "Come on, there's water. Bleach. Toothpaste. Weird-smelling after-shave. Nancy-boy hair gel. You can even hear that your faucet has a drip." Angel reaches out and cautiously moves his hand above the sink. He tries to go for the hair gel, but his hand is wild and he knocks it over onto the floor. I pick it up and put it back on the sink.

"Damn!"

"You're moving too fast, you have to feel for it." I put his hands to the sink and follow the shape round. His hand brushes the glass holding the toothbrush, bypasses it and moves on. Then he reaches the hair gel, and his fingers close around it. Wow, he's got the most sensual hands, with amazing gentle fingers. Fuck! - hold it right there! I suddenly draw back from Angel, but thankfully he doesn't notice. When he finishes his hair I guide him back to the bedroom. Now clothing...

Oh god, this is going to take forever! I can't do all this in two weeks! It's going to take a day to dress him, and then at night he has to undress. Then I have to shower him again... No! This isn't going to work. No, NO! I'm leaving. I'm...

"Thank you, Spike"

"Err... that's okay, Mate... ehm... going to get dressed then?"

It takes me a good hour to get Angel dressed in slacks and T-shirt. I had to show him were the wardrobe was. Where his slacks were, then his T-Shirts, his shoes, etc, etc. I never thought it would be this hard. Finally, I do have him fully dressed, and the next job is feeding him. Joy! All I can say is that he'd better be learning all this - and damn quick too.

"Now we are going to get you some blood." Bugger! I sound like a mother! At my sentence Angel instantly stiffens. What, he's got a problem about eating now? I take his arm again but he won't move. "Come on, Angel. Stop being so pigheaded!" I whine impatiently.

"Spike... I can't... What if I can't find my way back?" Tears are filling his eyes *again*. He's really scared about leaving this room.

"Angel, I'll show you how to get back."

"Promise?"

Oh great, now he sounds like a frightened little boy. "Sure," I say, without too much emotion.

I manage to get Angel onto his new apartment's couch and he sits uncomfortably. It's like he can't settle because he can't understand where he is without seeing it. I bring him his blood in a mug, and guide his hands around it. Luckily, he is extra careful brining it to his lips and doesn't spill a drop. Such sensual lips... okay, so not going there. To break the silence I turn the TV on and we watch - well I do and he listens - in silence.

~*~*~*~

One week later:

I've had a little thinking time over the last week and I've come to a realisation that something is wrong with Angel. These are not 'normal-Angel' reactions. Angel isn't passive and submissive to anyone. Now he's following me around like a lost puppy. I thought it was good. You know, he was being calm about it - behaving and stuff. But that's not it. He's in denial. He's not fighting, he's giving up and dying. Oh, he might still be walking and talking but inside he's dying. He's lost that fight. That drive he always had; no matter if he was Angelus or Angel, he always had that. He was an action type of person. Now, he's a 'sit on his ass all day' kind of person. If he was screaming, shouting, raging at this disability, then I could work with him, but this is getting us nowhere. So I've decided, instead of the nice approach I'm doing the other way.

~*~*~*~

Early Evening:

"Angel, get the fuck out of that bed and get dressed!"

"Spike?" Angel raises his head from his pillow but doesn't do anything more.

"Get out of bed. I'm not helping you, and I want you showered and dressed in half an hour. We are going out." I push Angel out of the bed and he lands on the floor.

"Out?" he whispers. Tears gather in his eyes afresh and resolutely he shakes his head. "I can't... I can't see anything. I can't Spike, I'm blind!"

At last I've got him shouting and not crying at me. "Yes, you're blind. Now deal with it because we are going out."

"Childe!" he yells. Now there's a word I haven't heard in a long time. "I am not going! I can't go out. I can't find my way to the fucking kitchen! I can't see my clothes. I can't see where I am fucking walking!" Angel gets to his feet. With a hand guiding him around the bed, he comes straight at me. I back away, but he continues to approach me. I can see his nose twitching, his fingers searching. I just keep backing up towards the bathroom, and still he advances. He avoids the furniture. He turns the corners. He knows where I am. I told you he damn well could do it! Just plain lazy. Or scared

"You can't hide in the bathroom!" he shouts.

"How did you know?" That stops him dead. Angel has a perfect picture of confusion in his face.

"What?"

"Where are you, Angel?"

"The bathroom."

"And you got here all on your own." Angel's face is still full of rage, but suddenly all that changes. His face softens and what's this? A smile?

"The bathroom," he says in awe. He comes towards me much more calmly now and gently reaches out for my shoulder. His touch is light and feathery, making me shiver. He moves up my neck to lay his palm on my cheek. Wow, his hands are soft and bed-warmed. "Thank you, Spike." His fingers are suddenly gone and he moves over to the shower. I leave silently to let him get on. Yes, plan 1 was successful.

~*~*~*~

It takes Angel 45 minutes to get dressed. Then it takes me half an hour to get him down the stairs. I know he was petrified, but he didn't say anything. He's so afraid of getting lost. Since he's so lost inside, he naturally assumed he’d get lost outside. Strange fellow, my sire. When I get Angel into the lobby, Cordelia actually faints.

"Cordelia? Are you okay?" Angel calls out concerned.

Wesley is dumbfounded that Angel knew who it was. He is even more amazed when Angel calmly walks over to her and bends down. His fingers gently search for her body and he touches her arm. He kneels down and brushes the hair from her forehead.

"How...How?" sputters Wesley. He can't believe the changes in Angel after only one week.

"Angel?" Cordelia comes around and touches his face. Blind eyes look into hers. "You're okay?" She starts to cry and I know I'm not welcome here. I try and leave as silently as I can.

"Spike!" Angel cries, and I hear a hint of panic in his voice, so I stop. What am I doing? I got Angel down here, didn't I? In just a week I showed Wesley that he could still be active and useful. So why do I feel the need to be near him? Why do I always come when he calls? "Spike!" I reach out, gently putting a hand on his shoulder, and Angel calms.

I don't make him go out tonight. I just really said it to make him mad. It worked to; it got him fighting again. Angel's friends are jubilant to see him up and about, and make themselves look stupid as they fuss all over him. Strangely enough it's making me... jealous? No, that's not right. I'm not jealous of them at all! Damn! I have to think about this. I have to understand what I am feeling. I leave Angel to his friends and go sit outside in the little courtyard. Oh god, I think I'm actually going to brood - over Angel!

Angel’s POV:

The world is so dark. I knew that before but not in this sense. I thought it was dark because of all the evil, death and destruction in it. I can never see the living, breathing world. I am a vampire; I can’t. I can’t watch children playing in sunlight. Or kiss a woman on a sunlit pier. Still, now the world is an even darker place. I miss the colours so much. I even miss the darkness. At night I could look across the city and the sky was pierced by the shining lights of homes and buildings. Now there is nothing. Not even the tiniest light. This is the hardest part of all to accept. That there will never be a light again.

Before Spike came I had given up. I didn’t want to fight, to learn how to live again. I just wanted to end it, but I was so scared. I was petrified of eternal damnation, and in my heart of hearts I didn’t want that. So I asked my friends to end it, even Spike. They refused. They cared for me, carried me, fed me. Then Spike came along and he screamed, shouted and kicked me into doing those every day actions. He made me see that there was still life in this pitch black. That I could still feel something.

He showed me how to feel angry again, how to fight. Now he’s showing me something more. Something about caring. I feel it every time he touches me. I can smell him. Hear his blood filled with it. I can feel it on his skin. The problem is that I haven’t quite worked out what exactly *it* is. Spike makes me feel safe. He makes me feel alive. Which for a soulless, chipped demon is quite odd. When I think of Spike, I remember home and... err... well, sex. I might not be Angelus, but I still recall what it felt like to be with Spike. I haven’t told anyone about our relationship. Not in one hundred years. I sometimes wonder if he felt it too. That connection between us. Not just then in the past, but in the present too. A feeling.

I’m talking to Cordelia and Wesley, when I realise I can’t scent Spike anymore. Instant terror. I take deep breaths and calm myself. I can’t panic because if I do I certainly won’t be able to find him. I excuse myself from everyone and leave Wesley’s office, where we have been talking. I can smell Spike - a scent of cigarettes, alcohol and honeysuckle aftershave - an odd habit of his. I follow the scent and try to remember how he brought me down here. I counted the steps and remembered the direction. All I have to do is follow his scent and go back almost the way I came...

My toe stubs on something. Must be a step. I lift my foot - it is a step! I climb slowly and Spike’s scent moves. I think he went into the courtyard. I carefully open the door. I know there are some steps somewhere. Ah! Got them. Carefully, I walk down and I feel the night breeze caress my face, for the first time in over a month. I can smell Spike stronger here and I walk towards his calming presence.

“Spike?”

“Angel?” I can hear him jump up and strong hands take my arm. “You came out here yourself?” he asks, clearly amazed.

“I followed your scent.” He guides me to the stone bench and I sit down. His hands leave my arm and I miss their seductive touch. It’s like a flash of lightening inside my mind, and I know why he’s out here. “You’re leaving aren’t you?”

“Yeah, you don’t need me any longer, Angel. Your humans can work with you. Anyhow, we have to go back to hating each other again soon.”

“I never hated you, Spike.” I can almost taste his sudden anger.

“You have a funny way of showing it, mate.”

“I was your mate, once.” Yep, I can certainly smell his anger.

“Don’t you ever pull that on me, Angelus. You left. You went and became the Slayer’s little lapdog.”

“I’m sorry, Spike. I still feel the same. I’m not Angelus but I still feel it.” Feel what? Need? Want? I know that Spike’s been angry with me for so long. I just want to leave that behind, I want to comprehend what I’ve been feeling for him.

“Feel what, Angel? What do you think you feel? Gratitude?” Spike stands up and he... oh, he’s lit a cigarette. Hey, I’m not doing too bad with this. “I don’t want you out of gratitude, Angel!”

“You want me?” Wow, I never expected to hear what come out of his mouth. Spike whose only fault is that he feels too much. More than any vampire I’ve ever known. Angelus never did. He wanted, needed, and took, but never felt anything. He never felt any emotion until he became me - with a soul.

“No!” Spike starts to pace; I know because I can hear his boots stamping down onto the slabs. I stand up, and when I hear Spike come near, I make a grab for him. My fingers grasp a strong muscled chest and arm. My hand slides up and grazes over his nipple, hard under his T-shirt. His body stiffens under my touch. I know he doesn’t have any idea what I’m doing. I’m not sure about that myself. My hand moves higher until it slips around his neck. Ah, I know where his head is now. I lean forward and kiss... his nose. Guess I didn’t aim low enough. Spike chuckles softly and even I have to laugh a little. As soon as I open my mouth to speak, his lips cover mine.

Spike tastes of cigarettes, blood and life. It’s been so long since I’ve touched him. When Angelus returned last time, he basically ignored Spike and his affections. He cold-shouldered him because, like Buffy in the past, Spike had made Angelus passionate. He - I - have never told him that. I never told him of the heat inside me when I touched him. How it burned when I was near him. I denied it. I felt that heat in Buffy too, but now she’s gone. Well, in reality we have been apart far too long for us to have another relationship. Now, Spike is here again. Spike, who makes me feel that burning, makes me come alive.

Spike’s POV:

Bugger! Angelus’ kisses were always irresistible. His mouth, so sweet, and *so* talented. He knows just how to utilise his tongue, teeth... well, his whole mouth in fact. He tastes so good, better than I allowed myself to remember. This better not be out of gratitude or shit like that. Still, he tastes so splendid that no way am I backing off from this kiss. Also there is that little fact that I haven’t had any for nearly a year. Hold it! I’m not fucking with Angel. No way. Still, his tongue is getting into some really interesting places. His hand too...

“Spike,” he moans into my mouth. Oh god, Angel, don’t go and ruin it by speaking! “Spike, I want to touch you. I want to feel something again.”

Okay, I so did not expect that. His hands are on my arms and they caress gently. Still, he feels indecisive. Maybe he doesn’t really want me, but I’m just available.

“Angel... This is... just too fast... and...”

“No. Spike, I’m sorry. You don’t want me. I’m sorry!” Angel turns and leaves. He would run, but he knows he’d trip over something. I don’t stop him. I don’t know what I want. Off course, he’s taken my words wrong and I bet now believes he’s all un-want-able again.

I had made up my mind to leave. That was it; Angel’s fine and I’m off home to Sunnydale.

Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that. Something happened here. Yes, I taught Angel how to live again, but a lot more was going on than that. I saw the real Angel. Not a show or a facade. The real one. The one that’s so insecure, and lonely. The one that loves to touch. The one that got hard every time I handled him. I don’t think he never realised I knew. He forgets I can smell him, just as he can smell me. This is the Angel that wanted me, needed me. The Angel that spent time with me watching - well, listening - to the TV. The Angel who is slowly coming alive again before my very eyes. A part of me wants to see that. I want to know him when he’s got his confidence back. To watch him discover the wonder of life again, and the wonders of Daytime TV. I just want him.

Oh, shit. Now, I’m going to have to go after Angel. I walk into the main foyer only to be treated to a shocking sight. There is Wesley handing Angel a white stick. Oh, great! I can smell Angel’s fear and distress from here.

“I can’t...” he mumbles. His hand shakes and he drops the stick. “I can’t...”

“Angel?” Cordelia says, looking concerned.

Are they all a load of idiots? It was hard enough getting Angel down here, and now they have to terrify him again with the outside world. The outside world is like another planet to Angel - totally alien, black and mystifying. Even I know he’s not ready for that. Angel steps away from them, not realising he is standing near the sofa. He goes down on his rump, with a yelp. With vampire speed I reach him before the others. There are tears in his eyes and desperate hands hold me.

“Spike, I can’t. I can’t go out there... please... I can’t!”

“It’s okay, Angel. You don’t have to, not yet.” I hold him. I don’t care if it’s in front of a few humans. I just hold and rock him gently. The intensity of his fear is almost overpowering, and attacking my senses and mind. Damn! When did I get so connected to Angel? I give the others an evil stare and they all look ashamed. I don’t know why I am so angry. Maybe because they didn’t think about his feelings, or his fears, or if he was even ready for this. They just wanted him to get over it and that’s it. Well, it’s not that easy. Wow, I’ve just realised that too. I didn’t before. I just thought I could come here and cure him just like that, and then leave again. He might know how to move around, but he has no confidence. Just getting Angel to come downstairs had to be forced.

“It’s okay,” I whisper again, when he calms. I help Angel to his feet and hand him the stick.

“No!”

“Take it, now!” Surprisingly he does. “We aren’t going out, but it will help you back upstairs, okay?” Angel’s body relaxes and he takes the stick. I put it in his hand the right way and move it side to side. “Now this is just like your arm, move it side to side and it will tell you when you’re near something.” To everyone’s amazement Angel does as I say.

“Spike, how do you know all this?” Cordelia enquires completely bewildered. I just love how I can shock their world.

“Daytime TV, Luv.” I didn’t fall from the stone age, you know. After 100 and odd years, you have to find something to do while away the daytime hours, when you’re knackered from all the shagging. I guide Angel to the stairs, and the cane taps against them. Hey, another little smile. He uses the cane to make his way slowly up the stairs and turns the corner. I follow.

~*~*~*~

Angel’s POV:

“Spike!!” I scream. The nightmares are getting worse, so that now I‘m having 2 to 3 a night. It’s so strange that in them I can see. I watch as my sight is stolen from me, and my dreams enter into darkness. They turn to nightmares then as I try desperately to find my way in the blackness - no sight to guide me. I can’t take anymore of this. I can’t! “Spike!” I bellow again.

There is a banging sound, and in seconds, Spike is beside me. “Angel?” I can smell him near me and I grab out for him. I don’t care if he doesn’t want me to touch him. I need to feel something, to have some comfort.

“Hey!” he shouts as I pull him into the bed.

“Spike, please just stay with me,” I beg as I hold him tight against my trembling body.

“Angel, I don’t know if...”

“Please, Spike, I need to feel something. It’s so dark; so dark inside, too. I miss it... I miss it so much.” I start to weep again, pushing my face into his silky hair. Spike sighs and relaxes against me. “I miss the colours. I never thought I would. I try and... smell them, but I can’t. I can’t feel them. I can’t taste them. It’s so dark.”

“Shhh,” Spike whispers, comforting me. I feel his fingers brush against my hair and down my back. “Go back to sleep, Angel.”

It’s hours later when I open... well, when I awaken again. It’s still so dark, but for some reason it doesn’t feel as bad. There is a bed-warmed body next to mine. Spike. My beautiful childe. A Childe I will never look upon again. I see him clearly in my mind’s eye, and yet when I try and picture him in the real world I can’t. It’s just blackness. Instead I concentrate on the sensation of his body pressed to mine. His back squashed against my chest. One leg slightly covering mine. My arm around his waist. I slowly move forward and I can smell his clean hair. Bending down I can taste his familiar skin. It’s been so long since I’ve touched him, but I still remember his taste.

“Uh... Angel... What are you doing?”

I didn’t realise he was awake, but I don’t draw away. “I’m seeing you.”

Spike gives a little gasp and then moans. My hand slides up his chest, caressing his nipple... No, this isn’t where I want to start.

“Spike, roll on your back. Please, I want to see you.” Spike doesn’t question and I can feel his body shift next to mine. The bare skin of his chest brushes against my arm, and I shiver. I get into a kneeling position and lean over him. No, still not right. I lift my legs and straggle his hips.

“Angel!” he gasps as my weight settles on his thighs. “This isn’t what I...”

“Shhh,” I scold, “Are you refusing to allow me to look at you?”

“Err, no... but... Okay, fine!” he says, and then promptly shuts up. I can feel the tension in his legs beneath me and... well that’s interesting. He’s getting a little hard too. I purposely lift myself again and rest some of my weight over his growing erection. He gives a little half-strangled moan that he can‘t hold back. I don’t think he wants me to know that I am affecting him. I don’t need to see his face to know how his body reacts. I wonder if he can feel me too.

I think I’ve worked out what I want now. I want Spike. Not just because he’s helped me, but because it’s given me the chance to see him in a new light. I see the real Spike. The Spike who laughs at daytime TV. Who silently weeps when someone dies on Passions. The one who drinks, smokes and makes rude comments. The one who feels so much, who cares too much about everyone else around him. He’ll yell and scream that he doesn’t, but it’s there. You can’t see it - you have to feel it, smell it, hear it, taste it. He taught me that and he’s teaching me how to understand him... it’s Spike in all his paradoxical glory.

I don’t think I’m going to let him in on my plan. I’m going to let him wonder a bit. What I want now is to see him. I want to know what he looks like - not with my eyes, but with all those other senses. It’s like I am a stranger meeting his body for the first time. Ah, good fantasy. Everything about him is new to me. So I’m going to find out just who this stranger is.

Spike’s POV:

What the hell is he doing?! Okay, cuddling earlier was fine. I'll accept that, but this? I think Angel's making advances towards me. No, I think he's skipped that stage and moving into the intimate part. I don't know this Angel. I never thought he would do this. I never dreamed Angel would be the one making all the propositions. He's telling me that he wants to see me? Not sure what he means by that, but he's very determined and I feel kinda flustered. Which is *so* not me! I'm usually the one who does all the seducing. The Big Bad doesn't get ruffled - well, I guess he does... when Angel, his beautiful sire, moves over his body and seats himself into his lap. The Big Bad is feeling like jelly at this moment.

"Hello, stranger."

Oh, god. He is seducing me! Starting off pretty good too. I wonder if I should let him on about the fact that I can smell him in the air. Angel's arousal is certainly one of the sweetest of smells. One I'll never forget. I'm smelling it right now, pretty strongly. I've even got him to sit on my own erection; I pretended it was accidental. I know how to play games too, Angel. If he doesn't want me in on the plan, I can play hard to get. The truth is I want him to touch me. All night I've laid awake thinking about me and him. Thinking how Angel is changing into the person I want. Strange that he had to be blind to do it.

Suddenly, Angel decides it's time to commence. He takes a deep, relaxing breath and gently brings his hands over to my head. He's being extra careful not to poke me up the nose or something. I feel his sensual hands touching my hair, feeling the strands between his fingers. He tugs lightly and then smoothes it down. Angel's body leans over me and he sniffs gently. His face and chest are so near to my own, but I don't move. This feels kinda strange. It's like he's discovering me. His hands move down to my ears, his fingers following around the soft curve, then pulling gently on the lobe. I laugh softly and Angel grins. I didn't think I was ticklish there. I guess no one's ever explored my body before - not even me.

Angel moves down to the rest of my face, running over cool flesh with gentle fingertips. He explores over my soft eyelids, strokes the length of my nose, tests the sensitive flesh of my lips. It's like he's feeling the texture, the shape of them. In one swift movement, he's leaning over me and his tongue flicks out. He laps over my eyelids, nose and mouth, but before I can respond, he's moved away again.

"I can see you," he moans softly. His hands return to my body and caress the length of my throat. He follows bones, and muscles, rubbing his fingers into the hollow and then experiencing the lump of my Adam's apple. I wonder if... yes, he does. When his fingers leave, his tongue follows. This is fucking amazing! Mind-blowing! And he's only reached my head and neck. I don't know if I can stand the rest of my body going through this.

"Angel..." I groan. Do I want him to stop? Did I want to say something? I can't remember. Words vanish as his mouth finds a round pink nipple. Yes! He laps at it gently, then flicks it with his tongue, next he tugs on it with teeth, and lastly he sucks me. Oh, wow! I know that Angel must be feeling my erect length pressing against... hey, Angel's has a hard-on too. I think we are both enjoying this game. Oh sorry, I shouldn't know that - Angel is just trying to *see* me.

When he's played with both nipples, making them hard and aching, his tongue leaves my skin. I can't hold back the whine of disappointment. Angel continues as if he hasn't heard and press his palms over my stomach. He strokes them up and down, fondling the muscles of my chest, down to the bottom of my rib cage, and then to my soft middle. When he reaches my navel, his thumbs messages around it.

Angel leans down and whispers into my ear: "Can I see all of you, Spike?"

"Uh... Huh... Yes", I say.

He unzips my jeans but doesn't remove them. His tongue returns to my navel, and he starts to lick and suck. Oh yeah, I like his kind of seeing. His hands gently stroke lower and he pushes down the fabric of my jeans. He manipulates my skin and tugs gently on the beginnings of my pubic hair. His tongue and hands vanish from my skin, and he's pulling off my jeans. He lifts himself just enough to get them off and throws them aside. I think Angel's getting his confidence back.

Angel moves his weight further down my body as his hands return to my navel. He traces patterns with tongue and fingers, making me shiver and moan. Okay, now I'm totally shocked. I never knew Angel had such sensitive fingers. It's like he's mapping out every inch of my body, following every nook and cranny. Maybe his fingers have become his eyes, so that he's seeing every part of me with touch.

"Ooo... Ah... Fuck... Angel..." I moan. You would love to have a wider vocabulary, being the Big Bad and all. Where as now, I have been reduced to Spike jelly; unable to offer more than a few meaningless words. I'm putty in my sire's hands. I am so glad he can't see me because I think my face would betray all I am feeling. That is bloody amazing... and well... amazing and err... amazing. You really expect me to think of words at a time like this! "Ohhhhh... Angel..."

I really want him to work down to my cock, because it feels as though it shall explode at any moment. I desperately want him to move, but I don't have the words. Suddenly, his hands leave my navel, and stroke down my thighs. He follows the shape and tests the texture of my muscles. Then he moves further to my knees. What is he bloody doing? I don't want him to *see* my knees! Still down he goes, till he's reached my feet. Now his mouth comes into play, and he sucks my big toe.

"Angel!" I plead. His fingers glide around my feet, until the pads of his thumbs rubs my instep. I laugh. It looks like Angel's found another ticklish place. It's a new one for me. Or it could be Angel's hands that are doing it? Maybe the wonderful feel, the soft touches he's given me are sending my body haywire. He doesn't tickle for long, thank goodness. Then he's moving back up my body. Yes!

Angel's hands are like nothing I've ever experienced before. Soft and smooth. Tender and hard. They are nothing like Angelus's hands, those were made for pain. Angel's were made to love - made to love me. When Angel reaches my groin he misses my cock again, but moves between my thighs. I automatically spread my legs a little, and he moves to kneel between them. I feel his fingers touch my ass, but he doesn't enter. Instead, he moves up and rubs his thumb up my perineum to my testicles.

"Ohhh...Angel," I moan again. I really have to think up some other words. Angel' fingers trace a ring around each testis, with light feathery caresses. I don't know if to moan or chuckle, in the end it comes out half and half. After a moment, he lifts them gently into his hands and presses them to my body. I groan again. Where did he learn this? He'd better not have been with any other man!

"Angel?"

"Mmmm..." he answers. His hands return to rubbing between my thighs, which is good because it allows me to think a little better.

"Have you? Well, have you ever... You know with other..."

"No, Spike. Only you, ever."

"Not in one hundred years?"

"There was only Buffy, Darla and now you." He actually looks chastened.

Huh? Angelus never, not once, denied his own pleasure. I can't understand why this soul-ed being would do that either. "Why?" I choke out, I'm just a little shocked here.

"I thought that they could see my sins," he admits softly.

"Angel..." I stop. What do I tell him? The truth? The way I see him? The way I've always seen him - no matter if he was Angelus or Angel? "Angel, you are so beautiful." Angel sits back and his hands withdraw from my body. I miss their touch with an intensity that surprises me.

"My eyes..." he murmurs.

I know what he means. He knows they are just pure white, devoid of all colour. I will always miss the deep brown, chocolate colour they were, but they don't detract from his beauty. Instead of saying anything, because in my long lifetime I have learned words are cheap, I lean forward and kiss him.

This is the first time I've *really* kissed Angel. Oh, I know we shared one in the courtyard, but it wasn't a *real* kiss. This time he parts his lips, and I slip my tongue inside. He tastes of sadness, lost visions and peaches. I knew there was a reason why I call him that, it has been so long since I've kissed him properly, I had forgotten. My hands brush against his chest, then move lower. I'm all naked here and he is still partly dressed. My hands grab hold of his sweatpants and push them down his hips. Angel gasps against my mouth and pulls away.

"I thought I was the one *seeing* here."

"Oh, you are, pet." I lean forward, and capture his mouth in another kiss. "But I think you'd do a lot better without these." Angel pushes the pants the rest of the way down his legs, and throws them to the floor. He returns to kneeling between my thighs, and I slide my hands between his. I kiss him again, while my hand gently rolls his balls. Angel groans deep and loud into my mouth. Moments later, he pushes me back down onto the bed, and grins down at me.

"I haven't finished with you yet, Spike."

Angel's POV:

I can't believe Spike's words. I never thought he could see me as beautiful. It's a strange word to say to a man. Usually you say handsome or strong, something like that. As soon as he said it, I felt that burning deep down inside. That raging fire, that I had felt so long ago as Angelus. It meant desire and need to Angelus, to me it's something more. I think I love Spike. The only other person I've ever loved was Buffy. Yet, Spike makes me feel so much more that she did. It's so strange. This once enemy, once Childe, once lover, has found his way back into my heart, so deeply that I can't imagine life without him. This is not out of gratitude or thanks for helping me. No, that just opened the door and it allowed me to really *see* Spike for the first time - ever!

What I see is an enigma - a real puzzle. It took me a while to work it out. There is an inside Spike, and an outer one. The inside one feels love, hurt, pain, betrayal, loneliness and need. The outer one is the protector Spike. It protects him from the world in general, from those who would hurt him, from those who have hurt him. Like me. I think Angelus has a lot to answer for how Spike turned out. William created this Big Bad persona to protect himself from Angelus' betrayal, and the denial of love. Now I want him to see that I - Angel - do love him. I won't betray him again. If he wants, I can be his.

I turn my mind away from inner thoughts and back to my journey of discovery. It sounds like a TV documentary: The discovery of Spike. Just see how perfect a body he really has. I never saw that until now either. How exquisite he is. Still, I have missed that last part of his anatomy - his cock. I'm going to discover that right now.

My hands find his legs and follows them upward. I brush against soft curly hair and my fingers touch the base of his manhood. It's hard and erect. Good, I was getting worried that he wouldn't be turned on by this. I know that he should be able to see how much I am. I trace around the base with one finger, and Spike groans deeply. Still using the one finger, I move up the length of his cock. My finger brushing over the side, the fraenum, the glands until I come to the tip. It's wet under my touch and his foreskin is pulled back. I wrap my hand as much as I can around his width, and lower my mouth to encase his head. My tongue tastes his pre-cum. He's slightly bitter and tastes like... well, he tastes like Spike.

I move my hand up and down gently. Spike pushes up in my grip, but then tries to relax again. I squeeze him gently then let go. Spike gives a loud groan that could be my name? My fingers once again return to his foreskin and press it back. Spike makes a loud gasp with this, and shifts impatiently beneath me. It's strange, but in my mind's eye I can almost see him. Lying on the bed, legs apart, his face might be turned to the side as he tries to bury his groans into the pillow. His hands will be clutching the sheets, and his body rises and falls in unnecessary gasps of breath.

"Spike, I can see you!" I almost feel like weeping. For so long, I believed I would never see again. Spike just groans again, louder this time, and I realise my hand is gripping his cock. It was not a groan of pain, but pleasure. Interesting to remember. I squeeze again, and rub my thumb over the tip of his penis. An even louder groan issues from his lips, and I can feel the head of his cock start to swell and throb.

"Please, Angel!" Spike cries.

"You want to come?" I ask casually, still stroking and caressing his length.

"Fuck, yes!" he yells. Spike has never been known for his patience. Not in plans and certainly not during sex.

"I want to see you come." I relate to him. I return my hand to caressing him, while the other cups then slides up and down over his balls and perineum. My mouth closes around the acorn shaped head of his cock, and I push at the foreskin with my tongue. Spike doesn't last long.

"Angel!" he screams as he comes filling my mouth. I can hear Spike, gasp and pant. It's strange, but I'm hearing the slightest movements his body makes, and it has increased with our intimacy. I can hear his nails scraping and tearing the fabric of the sheets. I can hear his hair rubbing against the pillow as his body trembles in orgasm. I can hear his blood, in sex, begin circulated around his body. I can smell the sweat and hormones produced by that very orgasm I just brought him into. I can feel his body pulsating and trembling under mine. Suddenly, I think of something more I want. I want to feel him, deeper... deeper than this. My hands return to his cock and start a quick rhythm.

"Bloody hell, peaches! What are you doing? Killing me again?" Spike starts to pant under me, and I thank god for vampire recovery speed. In minutes, Spike is fully erect again. I lean down and lick at his cock, leaving my saliva as lubricant. "Angel?" I give no answer, just smile. "What are you DOING?! Arrrgh!"

I lift my body up, and slide myself down onto his erect shaft. I feel him stretching me deep inside. There is a sharp uncomfortable burn as he pushes past the outer ring of muscle of my anus. Then when he slides fully inside I want to scream. In fact, I think I do. The sensation is incredible. It increases as I shift my position, and he rubs against my prostrate.

"Oh... Spike," I moan. I think I've caught his `lost for words' disease.

"Fuck! Angel, you're so tight," he gasps.

I can't answer him; I just start to rock gently. His cock caresses my insides and I increase the sensation by grinding my hips in a circular motion. Why the hell did I ever leave him?

Spike's POV: Wow! Ah! Wooo... This is fucking spectacular! Where on earth did he learn this? He has got to be lying about not having any sex in a hundred years. Also those others were women... err... amend that, Buffy was -I don't know what kind of bitch Darla is. Suddenly, Angel starts to rotate his hips in a circular motion. It's damn good, it feels like his ass is massaging my whole cock. I can't hold back anymore and I start to thrust up into his tight passage.

"Spike... uh..."

I guess he can't find the words either. I think I'll be having that problem too soon... in fact, right now. Angel's inner muscles have started to contract, and he squeezes me hard. He is so bloody gorgeous as his head falls back, and his body arches. I think he's having some kind of mini-orgasm, and I tell you it feels bloody great on this end too. I grab his hips and desperately thrust up into his tight channel. He continues to encircles his hips, getting the full sensation of my internal massage. My cock throbs as his muscles clench me harder.

"Spike!" he screams as his orgasm floods my chest.

"Angel!" I answer, as my own climax fills his throbbing passage.

I knew this was too good to last long. We both come almost instantaneously. Angel' body goes limp, and I pull him closer to me. I roll us over, and reluctantly slip out of his used anus, my seed glistening on his inner thighs. I miss his intimate, tight embrace. Angel cuddles into me and I hold his sex-warmed body.

He feels so good. He feels like what I imagined Buffy would be like. Oh, I know one is female and the other male, but it has nothing to do with gender. It's about feeling. An emotion I tried to deny. I tried not to love Buffy, but I just couldn't help it. Just as I'm trying not to love Angel. Love hurts, it hurts so damn much you want to cut out your dead heart from your body. It's like a part of me is human, it exists deep inside and beyond the demon's control, and it refuses to let go of love. Everything else about me is pure demon. This emotion is something I cannot exorcise, no matter how much I want to. No matter how desperately I try, and who I kill it doesn't change it. I still feel that emotion as strong as I ever did.

Okay, so I've recognised I might love Angel. I don't like it and I will not surrender to it... no, wait I just did. I just made love to Angel. Great! I should move - leave him. I can't though, he feels so good and warm in my arms. Shit. Right, now what? Well, let's look at the past. Cecily denied me, Angelus abandoned me, Dru left me for a chaos demon, Buffy died... Oh great, wonderful track record, Spike! I wonder if Angel will leave me too? Or maybe, he only loves me because he needs me?

Great, just bloody great! Now I won't sleep at all tonight. Still, Angel is nice and soft; like a vampire teddy bear. I chuckle softly, and Angel turns in my arms. His mouth finds mine with amazing accuracy considering he's blind. I kiss him back, full and deep.

"Mmm... love you, Spike. Stop thinking and go to sleep?" Angel curls up, his head on my chest, ready to sleep in my embrace.

I wonder if he can hear my thoughts?

"Sleep!" he commands again. Okay!

Angel's POV:

It's been over two weeks since Spike and I first made love. We touch each night, but we haven't really talked about it. There is so much left unsaid between us. I know Spike thinks I might be doing this from gratitude. I do owe him for helping me, especially because I never thought he would. But this isn't about that though. I wouldn't feel what I'm feeling from gratitude. Out of all the people I know, all of my friends, Spike is the only person I can see. I know where he is all the time. I think I can actually feel what he's thinking. I know when he's happy or sad, I know that he's afraid of losing again. He fears giving his love, like he did with Drusilla and Buffy, and then having lost them. I can sympathise with that. I had to leave Buffy over two years ago, and I thought I might die from it.

I've decided to try not to depend on Spike for everything. I don't want him to think he's only here because I need him to help me. That I rely on his support all the time. I do need him, but in different ways. I need his humour, his bad temper, his abuse, his love, his body, and his kissing.

Tonight I leave our warm bed early and get dressed. It doesn't take me long, since I've learned where everything is. Luckily, with my clothing I never have to bother about colour' matching; they are all dark. I silently go down stairs, using my white cane as guidance. I can hear Cordelia and Wesley moving about, and I know when they have seen me. (I think Fred’s gone out with Gunn - I wonder if everyone realises there is attraction there. I smell it.) There is a change in their attitude, their smell and I can hear them come towards me. I know that they care. Their worry and concern used to have me running scared. Now, I think I kind of like it. I have what they call friendship with them now. They are helpful but trying not to be overly smothering.

I ask Wesley if he has everything ready. He confirms that it's all been arranged and he guides me into the office. I don't really need their help to find my way, but I don't stop them anymore. It makes them feel useful. I know it's been a hard couple of months on everyone. Even though I am blind, Cordelia still gets the visions. Now, however, it isn't me that does the fighting, it's Wesley and Gunn. Occasionally Spike will lend a hand, but acts as if it's not out of choice.

I am a little nervous about doing this. Wesley settles me in his office chair and says that my teacher should be arriving soon. I hope I can do this. Around 15 minutes later, I hear a new heartbeat entering the building. It's not anyone I know because I've memorised them all. Wesley brings a sweet smelling lady inside and I stand.

"Miss Tuper, this is Angel." I hold out an hand, in what I think is the right direction. Seconds later, a warm, small hand shakes mine.

"Hi, Angel. It looks like you're getting your co-ordination down well." Her hand is small and her voice comes from way below my head. Which means she's very short, around 4'8", petite, with long hair. I know that because I can hear her flick it from her face.

"I've learned from Wesley, you have been blind for two months," she continues as she sits down next to me. She puts down a bundle of papers and a large box. "I can understand how you wouldn't feel comfortable about attending a blind school yet. That's what I'm here for, I must say that it's really great how you are coping with this. Most people don't want to learn Braille until they fully accept they are blind."

I think I like her. She's bright and bubbly, and she doesn't treat me as disabled. Wesley and Cordelia could learn from her.

Braille isn't that hard to learn. I know I've got to get my fingers more sensitive to read the raised bumps, but I think that being a vampire is an advantage. Already, my sense of touch is more sensitive than human. It feels a little strange, however, it's like learning to read all over again.

"Angel!" Spike's voice echoes around the lobby, and I can hear him running down the steps. "Angel!"

"Spike, Angel's busy right now..." Spike doesn't stop to listen to Cordelia, and storms into the office. I can smell his concern and panic.

"Angel, are you okay? I woke up and you were... Oh," finally he falls silent, as he spots the petite girl beside me.

"Spike, this is Miss Tuper, she's teaching me Braille."

"Oh right, then. I'll be getting a fag," he quickly vanishes and I smile at Miss Tuper.

"You're very lucky," she laughs, "He's quite a looker."

"Yes, he is. He is the only person I can see."

Cordelia's POV: I watch as Spike runs from Wesley's office, and out in the courtyard. Just what is his deal? For the last couple days he's been acting really strange. Angel's getting on much better than ever before, and then Spike has to get all broody. I follow Spike into the courtyard to find him sitting on the bench, smoking.

"What is your damage?" I ask straight out. I know I'm blunt, but I can't be bothered with going around the houses just to make a point. "Angel is getting better, he's learning to cope, and now you are the one acting wigged."

"Shut up, ya stupid bint," he sneers back.

During his time here, I have learned how to read Spike. He is really quite predicable. When he abuses, shouts or curses - it's all because he's hiding something.

"Oh, I get it." I've just had a brain wave. I am pretty astounded at my perception. "You think Angel doesn't need you anymore."

"No I don't. You have no idea what you're talking about. Now, go back to painting your nails or something, and leave me the fuck alone." Spike stands and begins to pace.

Oh, yeah! I've hit the nail on the head. "Come on, Angel's going to be in lessons for a couple of hours, and we are going out." I grab his arm and start dragging him towards the door.

"I am not going anywhere with you!" He pulls his arm away and stares at me, with full game face. I'm not impressed. It's cute, really.

"You love Angel, don't you?"

"No! I don't! I don't love Angel at all."

"You're sleeping with him."

"Just because you shag someone doesn't mean you love them."

"Yes, it does."

"You really are naive, aren't you? People shag all the time, and sometimes they don't even like their partner."

"I know Angel, he doesn't do that. I'm betting that the only people he's slept with are Buffy and you."

Spike's POV:

Perceptive little bitch, isn't she? She has forgotten to count Darla, but I'm not admitting she's right.

"I don't love him."

Cordelia rolls her eyes at me and then drags me towards the door.

"If you don't love him, then you will come with me to Caritas."

Huh? "I don't love him and I won't go anywhere with you."

"So you do love him."

"No," I shout.

"You won't come with me - so you do."

"No..." Oh, why bother? I sigh and allow Cordelia as she leads me towards the front doors. I hate her.

~*~*~*~

Caritas bar:

"No, I'm not singing!" I sulk.

"Yes, you are. I've had to listen to Angel sing before, you can't be as bad as him."

I bet he almost died from embarrassment about that. Angel sounds like a dying cat when he sings. I remember him doing it when drunk. Someone laughed at him once, and he spent days torturing the poor chap.

"I'm not singing!" I cross my arms and refuse to move. Cordelia pulls and pushes me around, but I don't move a muscle. Eventually she stamps on my foot. "Hey!"

Okay, three hours later, I'm slightly inebriated and I'm standing on the stage holding a microphone. I spot Cordelia and the Host - Lorne - gossiping and pointing at me. I hate her. I hate Angel. I hate everyone. Why the hell am I doing this? Oh yeah, because deep down I need to know. I need to understand. I start to sing.

I sing 'How you remind me' by Nickelback. I like the words - 'How you remind me just who I really am.' I think it's appropriate - Angel does remind me who I was, who I am, and who I want to be inside. I finish the song and leave the stage to applause.

"Spike, that was amazing. I never knew you could sing!" Cordelia laughs. She stands up and gives me her chair, before leaving me alone with Lorne.

"Well sugar, that was really quite enlightening. I always guessed Angel was a real screamer in bed."

"Hey! You're supposed to read me not see how I have sex." I growl. I really detest him, or anyone, picturing Angel in any position - even standing. No, I'm not jealous. It's just that... well, I just don't like it.

"That's what this is all about though, isn't it?"

"You tell me, that's what I've bloody sung for," I snap back. I don't like him.

"You think that Angelcakes doesn't see you. That he's just using you for comfort, for need, that he's taken you into his bed because he's grateful. And you would be right - in some ways."

"Huh?" I knew it! I knew he didn't love me! I knew it was just because I was there, because I helped him. I go to stand but Lorne catches my arm.

"Sit down, I haven't finished." I sit but I'm not happy about it. "Angel does need you, just as you need him."

"I don't..."

"Shhh," he interrupts, "You never listen! No wonder Angel doesn't talk to you. Angel thinks that you believe that he only wants you out of gratitude. That's why he's trying to find his way through his dark world alone. He wants you because he loves you. He's so afraid that you'll up and leave him, because you think it's the right thing to do. You're doing just like he did for Buffy."

"Hey, I'm nothing like soul boy! I don't care..."

"That's what you tell yourself. Truth is you do care. People hurt you and you pretend not to feel it. You want the truth? Angel loves you, all he sees is you."

"He can't see."

"No, not the physical world, but he sees you." Lorne stands and smiles, but says nothing more.

I thought he was supposed to help people! All he's done for me is make me more confused. What does he mean 'Angel sees me'? I stand up and push the chair aside. It falls over but I don't pick it up.

~*~*~*~

Back at the Hyperion:

When I arrive back home - when did I start thinking of it as home? - I find Angel just finishing up with Miss Tuper. He smiles at her and I feel instantly jealousy.

"You are doing great, Angel. Now just remember to practise on the Braille typewriter, and we'll have you reading in no time." She gathers her stuff and grins at me as she leaves.

"How was Caritas?" asks Angel when we are alone. How did he... Oh, the smell probably.

"Fine."

"Spike, is there something wrong?" Angel carefully comes towards me and touches my face. His fingers feel so smooth and gentle. So unlike touches I used to receive from that body. I love his new touch.

"I sang," I admitted.

Angel looks instantly apprehensive and steps away. "Oh."

"Lorne said some things. He said that you need me to help you. That you're grateful." Are those tears in his eyes? "He said that you wanted me, needed me."

"I do, but it's not out of being grateful. You saved me, yes, but it's more..."

"Why Angel? Why don't you talk to me? You do things - like this Braille stuff and never mention it."

"I didn't want you to think I was using you," he whispers. Was Lorne right? I don't know. I don't know what I feel. Can I trust him, that it isn't out of gratitude? I can't fall in love again, give my everything and then lose him. What if Angel finds he can cope without me, he'll leave me just like the others did. No! I won't let that happen again.

"Spike, where are you going?" Angel reaches out for me, but I step away.

I can't do this. I can't face losing again. This time I'm doing the walking. "Goodbye, Angel."

Angel's POV:

He left me! Spike's left me! I couldn't stop him, I couldn't do anything. I just stood there hearing... smelling... feeling him leave me. He packed his stuff and left. Finished. Gone. No more.

Maybe it's for the best. Maybe he needs to leave for awhile. I don't know, but I feel so lost without him. The darkness has returned again and I see nothing. When Spike was here, I saw him. He's face was so clear to me. His body so perfect. Now I see no one - just black emptiness.

~*~*~*~

It's been 3 months since Spike returned to Sunnydale. I've been checking up on him through the vampire grapevine. I heard that Buffy was back; resurrected by her friends. Willow messed with really strong magic to do that. I just hope she doesn't have to pay a price. I was so glad to hear my first love lived. Still, I was jealous. Jealous that Spike might find love with her and not me.

I've worked so hard during these last few months. I've learned to read and write in Braille. Gunn's been teaching me to defend myself, and I've even been working on some cases. I have a talent for seeing what the others missed. Maybe it's because I don't relay on sight. I can smell, hear, taste so many different things at a crime scene; things no-one else can see. Cordelia is so happy to have me working again. She's been worrying about my brooding, but I haven't really had time.

When I am alone I think about Spike a lot. I don't really brood. I just think about him; his body, his mind, his mouth, and his abuse. I miss that. I miss him shouting at me. I miss him laughing at my mistakes like no one else would. I miss his reaction when I touch him. I miss seeing him.

Today, I've decided to make a plan. Yes, I know it's usually Spike who does the great plans but this is a cracker. I'm going to bring Spike home. I can do so much more than I could before. I've even worked out how to walk down a street without losing my way. The first part of my plan was easy. I got Cordelia to drive me to Sunnydale; it took a little persuasion, in fact, I promised she could drive my Plymouth when ever she wanted. When we arrived I left her at Buffy's house, and went to find Spike on my own.

I knew he's staying in some crypt. Cordelia rang Willow; who told her the exact location. It's a good job I know Sunnydale pretty well. The cemetery was easy to find. Vampires can smell death; and well -cemetery - the whole word is full of death. All I have to do next is find Spike's crypt which should be...

Hold on. I can hear talking. I smell trees nearby so I go over to one, and hopefully stand behind it. I think the talking is coming from in front of the tree. I listen hard but there are no heartbeats - vampires. No wait... I hear a faint beat. I think someone is dying. I can't let that continue, even if I am blind. I reach inside my jacket pocket and pull out the stakes I always carry with me. I load them into my wrist holders, where they are hidden from sight but quick to release. I hear two distinct voices and one heartbeat. Two vampires, one human. Okay, I can do this. I just have to remember Gunn's training.

I straighten my sunglasses, grab my white cane and walk out towards the voices. I know when they spot me because they fall silent.

"I'm lost," I admit in an faked embarrassed voice. I hear the vampires move and come towards me. One stands before me and the other is dragging the half drained body. "Can you direct me back to the road?" The vampire next to me laughs and makes a grab for my cane.

"I'll show you home," he laughs. He thinks I'm some easy meal. Stupid too, because he should know I'm not human. "Come here and take my hand." I hold out my free hand with a stake hidden in the sleeve.

The vampire takes my hand and... "Huh?" I think he's just worked out I'm a vampire too. With one quick movement I trigger the stake and it flies into the vampires heart. I hear a whoosh as he's turned to dust. It's taken a lot of training, using all my senses to work out where the heart is; I take into account movement, height etc. Sometimes it works and sometimes not - this time it has.

"How?" asks the other vampire. I hear him dropping the body and he flies towards me. He sets me off balance and I fall to the ground beneath him. I try to get to my other stake free, but he's too heavy and holding my arm down. He punches me hard in the gut, but I bring my knee up between his legs. "Ahh!" he screams. He falls back away from me and I free the stake.

"Angel!" Someone is calling me but I don't have time to listen. I pounce on the other vampire, feeling my hand connect with his left shoulder. Ah, good. I plunge in the stake just below it and pray I hit the heart. There is another whoosh and I fall to the ground.

"Peaches?"

A hand reaches down and touches mine. I know that touch. I know that voice, and that hateful word. Spike. I move my head up and I swear I can see him. I can see him leaning over me, offering his hand with a worried face.

"Spike," I reply, with a slight grin

"Angel?" Another voice originates from my right side and I turn. I know her.

"Buffy, I hope you are alright." I really have no idea what to say to her. We've been apart for so long; it's like I don't know her anymore. So much has changed for me, for her. I went blind, and she died and was brought to life again.

"It's true," she says sadly. I hear her move forward and she touches my face. Her touch is warm and friendly, but it's not from the person I want to touch me. "You are blind."

"Yes, Buffy, I am."

"Peaches, what the hell are you doing out here? Don't you know it's dangerous?" Spike has been trying to hold back his anger ever since he found me. It seems he finally broke. "They could have killed you!" His hands grabs my arms, and he shakes me hard. My glasses slip off and fall, smashing on the pavement. "You could be dead!" he yells again.

"Spike, let him go," Buffy grabs Spike' arm and pulls him back.

"What was I going to do if they'd killed you?!" Spike pushes me away and I fall against Buffy. Seconds later he's gone. I hear his footfalls running away from us.

"Angel..."

"Buffy..."

Oh, great!

Spike's POV:

How could he do that?! How could he try to get himself killed? What was I going to do if I only found his ashes? Oh god, he could have died!

I run into my crypt and smash my fist into the TV. Shit, now I'll miss passions. I give it another good kick, but I'm still too angry. No, not angry, scared. I'm petrified. Angel could have died. I could have lost him forever. I never knew how much I thought about...need him, until I reached the stage where he could have left me permanently. I know I haven't seen him in three months, but I can't bare to think of him dying.

Three months ago I came back to Sunnydale to try to find myself again. To find out what I really felt. The problem is: I haven't had a moments peace since I came back. First Willow raises Buffy, who is in a right state from digging her way from her grave, and now I have all these mixed up feelings for her and Angel. I've watched the slayer every day since she came back. I observed her change and grow, I even felt her pain when she said she was in heaven and not hell. I guarded her, but I knew I didn't love her in the romantic sense. She was my friend and hunting partner. She was not my lover.

The one I thought about in the dark was Angel. He was my light. I lie in my bed and fantasy about his body above mine. Me, buried in his deep tight passage. My cock filling him, marking him as mine. I fantasise about him pressing inside me, touching me deeper than anyone ever has. I dreamed about talking to him, reading to him, watching - hearing - the TV with him. I knew I wanted to be with him, but did I trust him to love me? Just for me - Spike - and not for anything else. Not for gratitude or the past - just me. It doesn't mean a fuck that he's blind. He's still Angel, maybe even better than the old Angel, in ways I cannot really explain. He's just more... more seeing. I remember the Host's words, "he sees me." Maybe my problem is, I don't see him.

Still, I don't know what he was bloody playing at! Taking on two vampires, he can't even see them. However, he did kill both of them. Pretty amazing really when I think about it. He doesn't need me to help him, so why is he here?

Angel's POV:

Buffy invites me back to her home, after we had the vampires' victim taken into hospital. When we arrived back at Buffy's it's full of people. So many talking at once, it's hard to work it all out. Back home none of them talk this loud. Then again they all know I have more sensitive hearing. I feel fingers touch my face and I back away.

"Oh, Angel," Willow says softly. I reach out and touch her hand. She feels warm and smells worried. "Does it hurt? They are just so... white-white."

"No, they don't hurt. They did to start with, but it's gone now." I feel a wind before my face and a whooshing noise of fabric. I reach out, and in a flash grab the hand waving before me.

"Ah!" Xander yelps as I squeeze his hand.

"Xander!" yells Cordelia as she pushes him away. "Come on, Angel. It's safer in the kitchen." She guides me around everyone, and into the back of the house. It was a complete accident when my white cane hit Xander' leg hard. Honest!

Cordelia sits me down and pours me a glass of blood from the fridge. I guess Spike's been here a lot. I wonder if he and Buffy... no, I never smelt them on each other. I hear another heartbeat approach, much like Buffy's, but different.

"Hello, Dawn." Dawn approaches quietly and sits beside me.

"It's true. You are blind," she comments softly, her voice so young and yet old at the same time.

"Yes, I am."

"Spike told me. He talks a lot about you. It's always Angel this, Angel that, Angel read such a thing," she laughs lightly.

"He does?" I ask softly. Spike talks about me? Spike *wants* to talk about me?!

"Oh yeah, ever since he came back. Before Buffy returned, we talked about a lot of things. He told me about LA and spending time with you. Then when Buffy got back, he was really sad. Oh, he didn't say anything but I knew. It's funny, but every time he comes around, it's like he's trying to work something out."

"Oh," I whisper. I love Dawn, in many ways she is so direct and perceptive. So strange for a girl so young, not even Buffy had those talents. Dawn is empathic too, maybe too much. She frets and worries, and it looks like she's been watching Spike very closely since he came back. I wonder what it means. Does he miss me? Or has he chosen Buffy?

"Can we go home, yet?" whines Cordelia suddenly.

"Yeah," I sigh. Maybe I've rushed things. Maybe Spike hasn't decided yet.

"I'll take him home," says that voice I know so well.

"Spike?" I stand and turn to face him. I know where he is - I can see him.

"Cordelia, you can go back to Sunnydale, Angel will be back in a couple of days."

"Okay!" Cordelia agrees happily and I hear her rush towards the front door. She hates Sunnydale.

"Hey!" I shout. Shouldn't someone be asking me? Still, I think Cordelia's been trying to get me and Spike back together for ages. I really can't understand why she trusts him; he tried to kill her even more times than Angelus did.

"Come on, luv." Spike takes my arm and leads me to the front door.

"Angel, you're leaving?" Buffy rushes forward and touches my arm.

"Yeah, we vampires have to get home before dawn, you know," quips Spike.

"It's hours from dawn, Spike!"

"Well, we have to have enough time in case something unforeseen happens." He's grabbing my arm again and starts to pull me forcibly towards the door.

"Bye," I shout back to Buffy.

As soon as we get outside, I turn to Spike.

"What are you doing?" I demand. Spike doesn't answer, because his mouth is over mine and his arms squeeze me tighter than I ever been held before.

"I want to see you, Angel," he moans into my mouth. "I want to see you, as you see me"

I actually feel like crying. "I love you," I answer as I kiss him back.

"Ditto," he replies.

Spike's POV:

I know what I want now. I only had to see Angel to know. It wasn't gratitude or need that brought him here, but love. He wants me, and I've realised what it is that I want. I've been trying to decide what I desire all these months, and I only had to see him to know. I want Angel, anyway I can get him.

We run back to the crypt, and I can't wait to touch him again. His mouth is so amazing when we kiss. I attack his clothing, and in seconds he's naked. I want him *so* much. My mouth covers his again, as I rub his erect cock. Angel starts pulling at my own clothing and I let them fall to the floor.

"Downstairs. Bed," I moan.

"No time," Angel replies. His body pressed against mine with the same desperate urgency.

I push him down into my armchair and kiss his mouth again. I take his length into my hand and press him to my entrance. His cock head rubs against the sensitive tissues and I groan deeply into his mouth. He pushes up, pressing against the tight ring of muscle of my anus, and with a little fiddling his cock head pops inside. For a moment it burns, but I begin to stretch as he moves deeper. I can feel myself splitting slightly but it doesn't matter. What are we if not vampires? Blood to us is life, food, sex, family, everything. Angel clutches me closer, burrowing his face into my neck.

Biting is something we haven't done. No matter how many times we climaxed together we never bit each other. Biting while having sex for vampires is a deep intimate thing. It means a deep-rooted connection, that sometimes can create a bond more extreme then that of Childe and Sire. I haven't feed from Angel in 100 years, nor him from me.

"I want you forever, Spike."

"Me too, Angel," I moan, "I want me forever, too." Ah! That got a little chuckle out of him. I think he knows what I mean. That I'm serious enough to be with him forever.

"Be my Mate, Spike."

"Be *my* Mate, Angel," I challenge.

As our orgasm starts to crest, we both position our teeth at each other' throat. As we come, both sets of fangs dig into cool skin and I taste the sweet blood of my sire, now Mate. I scream around the bite as I cover his chest. I feel him moaning too, as he fills my passage with cooling sperm. Finally, as the intensity passes, we collapse together in the chair. I lap gently at my bite mark, as he does the same to me. This feeling is mind-blowing. We don't need to speak. We don't need to do anything. We both just know.

Angel sees me and I see Angel. Neither of us are lost in the dark any longer; he is my light, just as I am his, and that is enough.

The End.

For those you want it - the lyrics for How You Remind Me:

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin’
Tired of livin like a blind man
I’m sick of sight without a sense of feelin’

This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It’s not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart with breaking
I’ve been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream: are we havin'’ fun yet

It’s not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

This is how you...

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'

This is how u remind me...