Rommie Horror
by
Luzmariaspoilers galore, please enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters portrayed in this story. They belong to Gene Roddenberry's estate and Tribune Entertainment. Nor do I own the script "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" that this was based on. That is owned by Richard O'Brien. All information not having appeared in the series or the movie script was taken from the Systems University site at
www.allsystems.org.
Spoilers: I'm all over the first season, here. If you've seen less than half of it, you won't get many of the references. Sorry.
Rating and warning: Very Strong R rating. Subject to change. Slash situation in Part II. If you cannot handle the idea of one man hitting on another, please do not read.
Archive: Ask me first via e-mail to
(Opening song, "Tyr told Yvain", is sung by Yvain's stepson, Breyon. Sung to the tune of "Science Fiction, Double Feature")
Now our Harper fell ill the day we skirted the sun
In his fever he formed the plan
But not until the station did he get the blueprints
Then Rev had a chat with a Than
Then Tyr went AWOL and gave us a fright
So Dylan got him out of his jam
In the Maru they flew to safety anew
This is what the mission logs said then.
Drago Katovs, Tyr did not like
Went to Midden for his birthright
Museveni, father of his race
On Our Midden, Yvain did see him
Whoah...
On Our Midden, Yvain did see him, long ago.
Beka's ship the Maru was home and birthplace too
Daddy's big debts made her do cargo runs
Rev soon joined on her crew, along with Harper too
Trance joined last and thought it all in good fun
Gerentex had a job
Salvage ships for cash, in haste led them to the right one
Gerry got booted off, the rest stayed on for fun
Dylan's request made Tyr join on the crew.
On the...
On Our Midden, Yvain was told this
Tyr lost his Freya, he betrayed her
Went back in time to save our future
Now he remembers, it's time to leave her
Whoah...
On Our Midden, Tyr told Yvain long ago
She asked him so
On Our Midden, Tyr told Yvain long ago
She missed him so
Whoah...
On Our Midden, Tyr told Yvain long ago
By her back door
Whoah...
On Our Midden, Tyr told Yvain long ago.
(Fade to Scene I)
(Scene I, the empress's coronation)
(Enter Dylan and Rhade, stage right in white ceremonial uniforms)
Rhade: (Completely deadpan) Well Dylan, she finally did it.
Dylan: Yes well we always wanted the empress to get the job for years now.
Rhade: Her being there makes us more powerful sir. Power ensures survival, and it was why I joined the High Guard in the first place.
Empress (from offstage): OK you guys, it's rumba time!! (Offstage crowd cheers)
Rhade: Gotta run, see ya. (Exits, stage right.)
Dylan: Seeya later, Rhade
(Dylan rubs the bottom of his lip in thought, then turns and waves in Rhade's direction. Sarah enters, stage right.)
Sarah: Oh, Dylan, isn't it wonderful? Didn't the Empress look beautiful? I mean an hour ago she was just a plain old Vedran diplomat. Now she's Empress Sucharitkul XII.
Dylan: Yes, Sarah, the empress is a lucky gal. (Starts walking)
Everyone knows this coronation will be good for the Commonwealth. (Sarah nods) You know this means my commission will be over soon... Hey Sarah, I've got something to say. I really love the skillful way you out danced the other girls, at the coronation.
(Sarah blushes and looks away as Dylan breaks into "Sarah", sung to the tune of "Wedding Song")
Dylan:
The mission was long but I took it (Sarah)
My heart is now yours, and you've got it (Sarah)
Only please, don't tell me you'll break it (Sarah)
Now I've one thing to say and that's damn it, Sarah I love you
(Sarah moves to kiss him, and he backs off towards the coronation hall)
Now Rhade told me love does not exist (Sarah)
But I know that he's wrong and I'll prove it (Sarah)
I sure I'm no fool, you believe it (Sarah)
Now I've one thing to say and that's damn it, Sarah I love you
(Sarah runs to his arms and he hugs her, then pulls out a ring)
Here's the ring my dad gave to my mother
Empress has agreed to marry us
Life with me's not mediocre
S-A-R-A-H I love you so!
(Sarah puts on the ring and rushes into the coronation hall. Dylan follows her. A Than, a Perseid, and a Nightsider are cleaning up the coronation hall. Sarah begins to sing.)
Sarah:
I'm so glad you saved me at the lab (Oh, Dill)
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh, Dill)
You're commission is done and I know that (Oh, Dill)
I've one thing to say, and that's Dill, I will marry you.
(Sarah walks through the coronation hall dragging Dylan behind her. Dylan slowly goes into shock as he realizes he's now engaged. She continues to sing, with him alternating.)
Oh, Dylan
Oh, shit...
I will
Oh, SHIT...
Marry you.
Just say I do...
There's one trip left to take, Ahoo.
(Dylan walks off in thought as he sings.)
Dylan:
Now let's see the Magog who began this. (Sarah)
When we went to his lecture on Panix (Sarah)
Made me face all my fears and not panic (Sarah)
Now I've one thing to say and that's damn it, Sarah I love you
Damn it, Sarah
Oh Dill, I will
Damn it, Sarah
Marry you
(The two of them kiss. Pan over to one of the reception tables. A miniature hologram of Andromeda appears.)
Andromeda: I would like, if I may, to read to you from our ships log. (Clears her throat and continues) It was at the end of the First Commonwealth when our new Captain, Dylan Hunt, then a Commander, and his fiancé Sarah Riley, two normal citizens of Tarn Vedra, left the planet to visit a certain Magog Reverend, who's lecture on linguistics inspired Dylan to propose to Sarah. It was true, there were dust clouds in the system: large, opaque, and massive, through which they would have to navigate. It's true also, that the slipstream drive on their shuttle cruiser was in need of an overhaul. But, being a citizen and an Officer of the High Guard, Dylan was not about to let such a thing spoil the journey. On a journey (close up on Andromeda's face as she gets serious) On a journey they were going to remember for a long, long time.
Scene II (In the shuttle)
(Dylan is busy maneuvering the ship. Sarah is listening to a report on the Empress Sucharitkul XII's coronation as she walks onto the bridge to deliver a cup of coffee to Dylan. A slip fighter passes them as it breaks through the stream.)
Sarah: Gosh, that's the third slip fighter that's passed us.
Dylan: Actually hon it was the first. The other two were salvage vessels. (Looks at his sensors.)
Sarah: What's the matter, Dylan hon?
Dylan: Hmm... I don't think we are where we are supposed to be. I'm gonna have to back track...(Slipstream drive suddenly fails.)
Sarah: What's going on?
Dylan: (Runs a diagnostic) The drive must have lost power... Shoot! I knew I should have had it go through maintenance first. (Sarah rolls her eyes) I'll go use the escape pod and go get help.
Sarah: Where are you going to go, exactly?
Dylan: (Thinks) Oh, there's got to be a ship nearby somewhere. Maybe they have an engineer on board who can fix it for us. You stay here and I'll run a hail from the pod.
Sarah: I'm coming with you.
Dylan: But Sarah...
Sarah: (more forcefully) I said I'm coming with you. Besides, I know you. If anyone on the ship is in trouble or you think anything is up you'll take your time coming back. And there's only coffee on board.
(Dylan fakes a laugh. They enter the pod and launch it. As it hurls off into space they see a fighter ship in the distance. Sarah turns away from the ship and begins to sing, "Of the Systems
Commonwealth Fleet" to the tune of "Over at the Frankenstein Place")
Sarah
In space there's a blackness
Deep inside dust clouds
Way out there
There's a ship not far
They're hailing us, where we are
Both:
They're the light
Of the Systems Commonwealth Fleet
They're the light
Ships protect us between stars
They're the light, the light
In the darkness of every planet's night
(Narrow in on one of the viewports of the ship in the distance. Tyr Anasazi is looking out of the viewport in the direction of the pod.)
Tyr:
New pride begins
Must prove superiority
Now I've a plan
To let light and power streaming
Into my life, into my life
(Tyr disappears from the window. Wipe back to the pod where
Dylan and Sarah are located)
Both:
They're the light
Of the Systems Commonwealth Fleet
They're the light
Ships protect us between stars
They're the light, the light
In the darkness of every planet's night
(Wipe back to the original reception table. Andromeda begins speaking)
Andromeda: And so, it seems that Dylan and Sarah have been saved and having their drive fixed is now a mere formality. Or is it?
Scene III: Docking Bay
(Dylan and Sarah have arrived, but there is no one to greet them in the docking bay. Dylan opens up the hatch so they can exit.)
Sarah: Dylan, do you think this is such a good idea?
Dylan: Would you rather we float around in a confined space longer? (Looks around for an exit)
(The door exiting the Docking Bay has opened and Tyr Anasazi enters. Dylan walks up to Tyr and extends his hand to him. Tyr just looks at the hand.)
Tyr: (Looking at the hand as if it were a foreign object) Yes, kludge?
Dylan: Uh, hi. I'm Commander Dylan Hunt, and this is my fiancé, Sarah Riley. Our slipstream drive has stopped working and we were wondering if you had an engineer on board who can help?
Tyr: (Still looking at the hand) We do.
Sarah: Yes, that's great.
Dylan: Great.
Tyr: (Sarcastically) Great. I think you should follow me.
(They follow Tyr into a poorly lit corridor and leads them toward the Main Bridge. Near the entrance to the Main Bridge, crouched in a corner and reading an Ayn Rand novel, is Beka.)
(Tyr leans against the wall behind them, blocking their exit. Music begins to play, and Tyr begins to sing "The Slipstream" to the tune of "The Time Warp")
Tyr:
They're revolting
Orca pride to me
Guderian in control
Now listen closely
Beka: (Looking anxious)
Will we be that much longer?
Tyr: (shaking his head)
I've got to take control
I remember Kodiak at it's peak
Mecca of all prides
But we were all wiped out
So I took off through the stream...
(Tyr and Beka shove Dylan and Sarah onto the Main Bridge. A crowd of Perseids, Thans, Vedrans, Humans, and Nightsiders are gathered in the middle of a big party. One large cockpit chair, similar to the one used for manipulating the slipstream drive is in the center of the room. Beka jumps in excitedly.)
Crowd:
Let's ride the slipstream again
Let's ride the slipstream again
(Dylan faints. Wipe to the reception table. Andromeda starts explaining how to drive the slipstream to the audience.)
Andromeda: Ok first you key in coordinates.
Crowd:
And then you engage the Drive
Andromeda: (Demonstrating with her arms) You ease the thrusts controls forward.
Crowd:
And then you make a Hard Right.
Now just rotate the ship, and drive your captain insane.
Let's ride the slipstream again
Let's ride the slipstream again
Beka:
Hold on tight now
It's what I'm born to do
Yes you can watch me
No I don't mind
Traveling through dimensions
I let the slipstream move through me
Strings so pretty
I see all
Tyr: (From behind Dylan and Sarah as he moves further into the Main Bridge)
You're mind controls the streams
Beka:
Better with a Flash trip, HA HA HA
Tyr:
And nothing, will ever be the same
Beka:
It's better than the sensation
Tyr:
Of depressurization
Crowd:
Let's ride the slipstream again
Let's ride the slipstream again
(Tyr and Beka dance over to the centerpiece table, decorated with flowers. Dylan and Sarah notice that there is a purple humanoid, with a tail, seated cross legged at the center of the table.)
Trance:
Well I was wandering a ship looking for things to find
When a nightsider said "Help I'm in a really tight bind"
He shook me up, he grabbed my tail from behind
He thrust me into a chair which controls the ship's drive
He stared at me and we left the dock
And into the slipstream we shot off like a spark
Crowd:
Let's ride the slipstream again
Let's ride the slipstream again
(Dylan and Sarah start to back away from the party, realizing they should have hailed from the ship directly. Wipe back to the reception table where the holograph of Andromeda is standing.
She is tapping her left foot and smiling but is otherwise unaffected by the music)
Andromeda: First you key in the coordinates
Crowd:
And then you engage the drive
Andromeda: Then you ease the thrusts forward
Crowd:
And then you make a Hard Right
Now just rotate our ship, and drive our captain insane
Let's ride the slipstream again
Let's ride the slipstream again
(Trance jumps off the table and goes into a tap dance. She gets excited, screams "Hee Haw" and goes into a twirl across the bridge. When she gets in front of the cockpit chair, she trips over
her own tail, and falls to the floor. We hear her mutter "Ow, ow, ow, my tail" as she gets up. Wipe back to the reception table. Andromeda, now completely into the song, is moving her hips and dancing.)
Andromeda: First you key in the coordinates!
Crowd:
And then you engage the drive
Andromeda: Then you ease the thrusts forward
Crowd:
And then you make a Hard Right
Tyr:
Now just rotate my ship,
Crowd:
And drive our captain insane
Let's ride the slipstream again
Let's ride the slipstream again
(The crowd collapses. Dylan and Sarah look on with a mixture of surprise and fear. Sarah pokes Dylan in the ribs)
Sarah: Dylan, say something.
Dylan: Hey. (Crowd sits up in unison) Is this a Commonwealth vessel?
(Crowd murmurs to themselves in confusion. Sarah gives Dylan a look like she's about to kill him. Pulling him by the arm, she starts inching him again to the exit.)
Sarah: Uh, Dylan, we should get to the pod now.
Dylan: For Divine's sake we need the drive fixed Sarah
Sarah: But these people seem insane, Dylan
Dylan: It's just a party, Sarah.
Sarah: Well I want to leave
Dylan: We cant go anywhere with a broken drive.
Sarah: Well ask for the engineer already
(Exit door to the bridge opens. In the distance, a figure in a sequined Hawaiian shirt, fishnets, and work boots can be seen in the distance heading towards them in time to new music.)
Dylan: We don't want to interfere with their ritual, Sarah
Sarah: This isn't the Empress's coronation.
Dylan: They are probably aliens with a culture different than our own. They may do some more... slipstreaming
Sarah: (Sounding desperate) Look I'm tired and I need a cold Sparky!
Dylan: I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.
(Sarah turns to leave in a huff and stops short at the site of the new stranger, Harper. Dylan turns towards her, sees the stranger himself, screams, and faints outright. Harper grins and begins to sing "Love God Baby" to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite")
Harper: (Leaning over and looking at Sarah only)
Hey there baby I
See you've met my repressed Nietzschean (Wipe to Tyr, who's rolling his eyes in disgust)
He's just a little bummed out
Because when you hailed
He thought you were our pizza Than
(Harper strides past both Dylan and Sarah, heading toward the cockpit. Dylan comes to and stands up slowly. Sarah is still standing there with a look of shock on her face. Harper continues
to sing)
Harper:
Hey babes chill out
It's the way I am
Don't judge a flexi by it's size
I'm just an engineer, by the light of day
But by night I'm one real party lover
(Harper, having reached the chair, now spins and removes his shirt, revealing a white corset. His fishnets are held up by, what else? His tool belt.)
I'm just a super genius
Your love God baby
Of the planet Earth
Let me show you my tools
Maybe play by the pool
You like you're both good citizens (snicker)
But if you want something visual that's not too abysmal
We can link up an old holo movie
(Harper pushes past the crowd to get himself a piece of fruit from the reception table. Dylan walks up behind him as he eats an apple vigorously.)
Dylan: We're glad you're on board. Could you help us? We're both trying to get to Brandenburg Tor.
Sarah: Right. (Looks anxious)
Dylan: If you could take a look at our drive, and send us on our way. We don't want to be an inconvenience.
Harper: (tossing the fruit aside and hitting a Than in the head)
So your slipstream drive went splat
Well, I'll fix that (goes back to the chair)
Now babies, don't you panic (Trance has come to the chair alongside Harper)
By the Dawn of the Night
I'll get it done alright
I'll confer with my Perseid Mechanic
I'm just a super genius (Dances with Trance, then sits. Trance sits on his lap, and he puts his hand on her knee)
Your love God baby
Of the planet Earth
Let me show you to the Maru
Or maybe Fondue?
I could show you my favorite possession
I've been making a Droid
With brown hair and a bod
She's good for working out mental aggression
(Harper rises slowly from the chair. Trance sits in the chair in his place)
I'm just a super genius
Your love God baby
Of the planet Earth
HA HA... I'm just a super genius (Pushes past Dylan and Sarah as he heads for the exit)
Tyr, Beka, and Trance:
Super Genius
Love God baby
Of the planet Earth
Harper:
So come down to the bay
And see what's been made
I see you looking with fascin... ation
But maybe the air
Is what's really to blame
So I'll repair your drive
But not your esteem
(Harper walks out the exit, presumably in the direction of the Hangar Bay. The crowd from the party follows him, leaving Dylan and Sarah alone with Tyr and Beka again. Tyr and Beka approach them from behind and begin to remove their clothing. Sara slaps Tyr's hand away)
Sarah: Dylan!!
Dylan: It's alright, I'm sure this is all part of their customs. I'm sure we're safe.
Sarah: Oh
(Trance walks up from behind and picks up the clothing, inspecting it.)
Trance: Oh, pretty!
Dylan: Hi, I'm Commander Dylan Hunt and this is my fiancé Sara
Riley. And you are... what are you exactly?
Trance: (stammers slightly) UH... Um, you wouldn't be able to pronounce it. Anyway Harper has a nice surprise in the hangar bay for everyone.
Dylan: Even for you?
Trance: (frowning) That was mean. (She throws the clothes on the floor and walks off)
(Dylan and Sarah, in their underwear, are now pushed towards the hangar bay. Tyr is carrying a can or Sparky cola and a glass of ice. He pops open the can with his bone spurs, pours the liquid
into the glass, then downs the remainder of the can. He tosses the empty can behind him.)
Sarah: You're captain, Harper I mean... oh hell, why are we undressed?
(Trance giggles)
Tyr: Harper is not our captain, nor do I think he wishes to be. We are simply his... co-workers.
Sarah: Oh.
Scene IV: Hangar Bay
(They have arrived at the hangar bay. In view is an old salvage vessel, the Eureka Maru. Surrounding the Maru are the guests from the party. Harper, now dressed in bright orange overalls with goggles on the top of his head, is standing by the hatchway, which allows access inside the ship. Tyr goes over to the ship to power it up.)