Title: The This Old House Affair

Author: Betsy

Fandom: Man From UNCLE

Pairing: Illya/Napoleon

Category: slash

Pairing: Illya/Napoleon

Status: complete in one part

Archive: why?

Disclaimers: I do not own either of these characters; no infringement intended.

Summary: Illya and Napoleon get off the beaten track and find a spooky old house and something else.

Notes: This is my first story for this list. I am a major fan of MFU so I thought I would try this pairing for my first effort. I hope it is not too long.

The This Old House Affair
by Betsy

"Napoleon, what are we doing here?"

"Do you mean that in its deeper philosophical and metaphysical context or do you mean because Mr. Waverly thinks that there is a THRUSH satrap being set up near by?"

The gorgeous blond gave his long time partner a withering glare, but only snorted a reply.

Two days before Alexander Waverly, head of UNCLE, North America had assigned his two best agents to check out the possibility that THRUSH was going to use the annual Trade Show in Bozeman, Montana as an opportunity to set up a satrap and infilitrate the area.

Solo and Kuryakin had flown into the airport at Bozeman and spent the first day contacting law enforcement and trying to find out more information.

The second day, they had taken interstate 90 to the smaller town of Manhattan. It was there or, at least, near there that the actual satrap was supposed to be set up.

The two men had spent a frustrating day looking for any information and found nothing. They had decided to return to Bozeman for the evening and continue the hunt the next day.

Unfortunately, the legendary appetite of Illya Kuryakin had led them astray. It had come to Illya's attention that a small cafe in the Amsterdam area served excellent food and so the lower lip of the beautiful blond had successfully pouted its way into getting his partner to return to Bozeman by way of highway 288 which led into Amsterdam.

The two men had enjoyed their meal and since they knew they only had another 10 - 12 miles back to the interstate, they weren't too concerned about driving in a heavy downpour. After all this was April and one had to expect a little bit of inclement weather.

Napoleon, however, became extremely agitated when he noticed that they had been driving for considerably longer than the normal ten mile drive.

As usual the blond had the answer. "You missed the turn. I told you so."

Indeed, there was another road just outside of Amsterdam - highway 347 that led to the interstate, but clearly they were not on it.

Suddenly, the heavens let loose in a real torrent. "I can't see anything. We better pull off."

"I would not do so now, Napoleon. From what little I can see, this is not a major road and there is not a real shoulder, we would be in a ditch."

Napoleon tried to drive on, but the rain kept getting worse. Suddenly, the wind dropped for a few seconds and Illya spotted a light off the side of the road. "Napoleon, I think it's a building or hotel of some kind, pull in there."

Solo manaaged to navigate the driveway, but in doing so slid off the actual paved area winding up in some deep mud.

"Well, tovarish, I hope somebody's home."

The two men grabbed their suitcases and scrambled for the porch. The light on the front porch was a welcoming sight. They could see little except that the house seemed to be incredibly old and not in very good shape.

Knocking on the front door nothing happened, but Solo decided to check under the door mat where, magically, a door key was found.

"Napoleon, is this not unlawful entry?" his partner asked when Solo applied the key and opened the door.

"How could it be - we have the key?"

Once again, the Russian glared at his friend, but did not refuse to enter the warm interior.

No one was around, but it was a very large house. Shouting and a cursory inspection showed that they were alone.

"Well, let's stay here tonight. Maybe we can get out of the mud tomorrow if the ground dries."

The two started to climb the stairway when Illya noticed the dining room. A beautiful table was set up as a buffet. There was food galore sitting there for a hungry Russian to peruse.

"Look, Napoleon. Someone must be expected. Could we not eat some of this. I will even pay for it."

Knowing the parsimonious nature of his friend, Napoleon decided that Illya must be extra hungry - of course, he was always hungry.

"Why don't we go to our room and clean up and then come back down?"

It was too late, however, the blond head was already looking into various dishes and helping himself. The delightful view just added to Solo's appetite, but not just for food. Solo had originally hoped that this trip would allow him to get closer to his prickly friend. Staying at this strange but welcome house might be just the key to greater intimacy with the man that he had grown to love over the last 3 years.

"All right, let's eat. I guess I am too tired to come back down later."

Through a mouth of food, Illya asked, "What have you to be tired about? We have found nothing in our two days of search?"

"The driving my dear Russian. That rain took all my skill and driving expertise."

Napleon was sure that his friend would have decried his claims if it had not been for the beef stroganoff, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and homemade cobbler that occupied his friend.

Finally, even Illya was stuffed and the two men ascended to their room. They decided to select a suite so that they could cover each other (in case THRUSH interrupted their sleep), but still have privacy.

Not being too sure about who owned this house, both men wore pajamas. Napoleon always liked to see his blond partner in pajamas because he looked so adorable. But, if truth be told, he hungered to see his friend without his pajamas even more.

**Oh well, Solo - you can't expect your always suspicious and careful partner to go au naturel in a strange house, in an unknown place**

The two men said good night and departed to their separate rooms. Napoleon never knew how much later he heard rustling - like a foot being dragged across the floor. Quickly he got up and rushed into the joint sitting room where he saw - NOTHING.

Looking around, nothing seemed to be out of place, but the fire in the fireplace seemed to be flickering badly so he decided to build it up so that the room's temperature stayed comfortable.

Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door to the exterior hall of the room. Rushing to the door, he carefully looked out - once again - NO ONE.

**What's going on? Maybe I shouldn't have had that second helping of stroganoff.**

The wind had really picked up outside - it was so shrill it was like a scream. In fact, now that Napoleon realized it - it was a scream. A woman's scream, but coming from where? It almost seemed like the walls themselves were doing the screaming.

Napoleon rushed into his bedroom to find his gun.and then rushed back into the sitting room. He stopped suddenly because a golden apparition was just coming into the room from his partner's bedroom. Napoleon let out a sigh since it was Illya, the golden apparition himself.

"What is happening, Napoleon? I thought I heard a scream."

"So did I, my friend." He then quickly filled his partner in on the events of the past few minutes. The two decided they would carefully search the rooms on the floor together since the fear of being separately attacked was in both of their minds.

After a careful search nothing was found. Returning to their suite, Illya noticed that the fire was flickering again. Going over to tend to it, he picked up a poker to stir it. The handle of the poker was covered in a sticky substance that looked like chocolate. Upon closer examination, it was discovered to resemble blood since it was brownish-red.

"Napoleon, look at this poker." Solo quickly walked over to his friend to see the poker, but stopped short when he noticed a small drip of a red substance oozing out of the stones that made up the fireplace.

Carefully, the two men examined the entire fireplace but could find no weaknesses in it There was no secret button allowing them access to the interior of the fireplace.

Illya, however, noticed a piece of paper on the mantle. Thinking it might be a document about the owner of this strange house, he began to read.

"Napoleon?"

"Yes, what is it?"

"This is a newspaper article about a murder that took place in this very room 5 years ago. Apparently someone was murdered and stuffed into the fireplace. The murderer was caught, but not executed since he escaped."

Although the two men would not have wanted to admit it, shivers went down their backs as Kuryakin made the statement.

"Well, we can't do anything tonight. And, obviously the body can't still be there. Would you be offended, if I suggested that we sleep in the same bed for the rest of what is left of the night?"

Alexander Waverly routinely expected his agents to save money by reserving a single bedroom in hotels, so the suggestion was not abnormal and indeed, Kuryakin felt it was a great idea due to the strange goings-on.

"My bedroom or yours?"

The two settled in for the rest of the night. About dawn, however, Illya had to get up to go to the bathroom. Although he was gone only a few moments, the absence of the warmth of his friend woke Solo. When he realized Illya was gone, the normally calm and collected CEA panicked. **Where was Illya - had the strange spirits of the house kidnapped his friend?**

Napoleon was just preparing to spring out of bed to look for the blond, when the golden apparition re-appeared.

"Are you all right, tovarish?"

"Of course, I should not have drunk so much wine last night, however."

"Come back to bed. It's not even dawn yet."

Illya crawled back into bed, but seemed to lie closer to Napoleon than before.

Solo decided to take advantage of the situation and carefully and unobtrusively as possible moved over towards the beautiful body so that he could cuddle closer to his friend's back.

"Napoleon, what are you doing?"

"Uh, I'm cold, and I thought . . well, I thought . . ."

Suddenly, the beautiful blue eyes were staring directly into the brown eyes.

"Napoleon, do you have something that you would like to tell me?"

Dawn was just barely beginning to filter through the windows, but Illya Kuryakin could see the love and concern in his friend's eyes.

"Illya, I have wanted to tell you this for a long time, but I thought you might punch me in the nose and then ask for a new partner."

Illya smiled slightly, "Tell me what it is, Napoleon. I assure you I will not punch you."

"All right, here goes, but remember I bleed easily. I . . . I love you. I have loved you for a long time."

Quiet permeated the room for a few seconds. Solo waited for the words that would shatter his heart. The CEA had faced torture, THRUSH, and many wounds, but he couldn' t look into the face of his beloved partner, so he shut his eyes.

"Oh, Napoleon."

Solo suddenly felt the brush of those beautiful, pouty Russian lips on his. **I must be dreaming.*

He carefully opened one eye, only to see the beautiful face of his friend leaning over and nibbling at his earlobe.

For the next several minutes Napoleon Solo who prided himself on his cool, lost all sanity. The two men embraced, kissed, nibbled, nuzzled to their hearts content.

Giving each other a stunning kiss, they finally had to come up for air. "Why didn't you tell me, my friend?" asked Illya between licks on the lips of the CEA.

"I thought you would punch me out and then be on the next plane to Mother Russia."

Entwining themselves in each other's arms, after quickly removing their pajamas, the two lay side by side for long minutes.

"Napoleon, for such a brilliant agent, I do not know how you got to be CEA, if you could not even realize when your partner of 3 years fell in love with you."

"Well, my little Russian iceberg. You are like the one that sank the Titanic - most of your true self you keep hidden. I will defintely enjoy discovering those hidden spots over the next few years."

Napoleon felt Illya withdraw slightly. "What is it tovarish, what have I said?"

Illya Kuryakin was thrilled that Napoleon was talking about the two of them being together for
the next few years, but that was also his greatest fear. Illya knew that Solo liked women - what would Illya do when those few years were over and Napoleon abandoned him and went back to his women?

**I could not stand to give him up after being his lover for a few years - it is better that we not start at all.**

Suddenly, Illya tried to remove himself from Napoleon's arms, but his friend would not let him go. "Please, Napoleon, enough. I need the bathroom."

"No, you just were in there. You will not run away from me. If you are unable to make a permanent comitment to me then say so now, but don't run away. - that's not like you."

Illya could clearly hear the hurt in the voice and then the words registered. "Permanent commitment ? But, you were just talking about a few years.""

"Yes, you crazy Russian," Napoleon whispered as he pulled the slender body back into his arms. "I said it would take me a few years to discover your hidden depths, but I intend to keep up the investigation until you are 85 or so."

"You are going to stay with me until I am 85 years old - but that means you will be 90."

"Yes and I will enjoy every minute of that time jumping your bones."

At those words, Illya blushed beautifully and the next several minutes were lost to more kissing, nibbling and licking.

"Napoleon, uh, why will you abandon me when you are 90?"

"Well, I figure after 55 years of loving that body, I'll problably short out in ecstasy and have to be taken to a nursing home as a vegetable or something."

"Oh, no, my beloved. I will keep you with me and take care of you."

Solo gave his partner the sweetest smile that he had ever seen.

"Oh, Illya, I do love you."

Once again the two began to kiss and fondle each other's bodies. When they climaxed together, their bodies were so exhausted that they fell asleep still entwined.

It was after 10':00 when they finally came downstairs. It had stopped raining. While Napoleon packed the car and manoevered it out of the mud, Kuryakin had one last look around. In the sumptuous dining room, another buffet was laid out.

When Napoleon re-entered, Illya showed him the food and once again, they ate hungrily.

"This certainly is a strange house. Perhaps we should return to Amsterdam and report this whole thing.?"

The huge grandfather's clock in the lobby chimed 11:00. The two men heard the front door open. They rushed out to see an older man enter.

"Well, I guess I caught you two just in time. I'm John Bishop. Which one of you is Mr. Schneder and which of you is Mr. Jamieson?"

Taking the leadership role, Napoleon responded, "Uh, we are neither. We stumbled in here by accident. The rain was so bad, we saw your light and took a chance. We stayed the night. Ill be happpy to pay for what we ate and the room."

"Oh, I see. Mr. Jamieson said when he called that they weren't sure they would be able to make it due to the weather, but when the auto-check-in registered you, I just figured it was them. "

"Auto-check-in?"

"Yes, as soon as you unlocked the front door, you were checked in. You see my boss set up this house for various individuals to enjoy. You know Bozeman is having a trade show. Well, gentleman such as yourselves come from all over the country to visit it. My boss thought that a
spooky house bed and breakfast might be a real treat."

"Ahh, so that's why the screams, the strange noises, the blood, etc. Then there was no murder and stuffed body in the fireplace."

"No, none of that, but it sure does make for nice atmosphere doesn't it?"

"Well, Mr. Bishop - I insist on paying the total cost of the package. Please return the money to the other two gentleman. I enjjoyed myself so much - along with all the fringe benefits (looking at Illya's beautiful blond hair) that I want to pay."

"Well, thank you gentleman. Please come back and visit us whenever you are in the area."

As the two men were leaving, Ilya turned to the older man. "Please give my compliments to whoever designed all your visual effects, they were very effective - especially, the glowing cow."

"Glowing cow? I'm sorry, Sir, I don't know what you mean?"

"You know the Jersey cow that looks like it is glowing. As I got up to go to the bathroom this morning,, I noticed it out the window. It looked like it was feeding beside the house,"

"I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't have a glowing cow as part of our effects."

"Oh, my mistake."

The two agents seemed to hurry more at that point to reach the car.

After a friendly wave, John Bishop closed the door and headed towards the backdoor.

**Don't do to let strangers know all our secrets.**


"Lulabelle, you out here? Are you ready to be milked, girl?
________
THE END