Title: Report This

Author: Melissa Cowen

Pairing: None

Rating: PG

Archive: Yes, please

No money is being made off this story, and no copyright infringement intended. Any similarity of characters to anyone in real life is purely coincidental.

Report This

Melissa Cowen

Chester Kelly gently stirred a touch more coriander into his latest concoction as he heard Squad 51 return from its run. The doors to the squad took a long time to open, and Chet feared the two paramedics it carried had already caught a whiff of his stew and were contemplating how to get out of dinner.

Finally the familiar sounds of doors slamming echoed out of the bay, and the hushed tones of John Gage and Roy DeSoto could be heard approaching the kitchen.

"I am not going to be the one who writes up this report," Chet heard John say to his partner.

"Why not? You're the one who had his hands on the guy's..." Roy abruptly cut off his reply when they entered the kitchen and saw Chet standing there.

"Hi, guys," Chet greeted the paramedics. "Tough run?"

"No." Johnny gave his one word answer as he headed for the coffee pot.

"Just a little...unusual," Roy tried to stem off the question he knew was sure to follow. "No big deal."

Roy made his way to the cupboard and pulled out two bowls, handing one to Johnny. The two paramedics dished themselves out a bowl of soup without even a comment on Chet's cooking. The fireman knew there was more to this story than his co-workers were letting on. And if there was one thing Chet Kelly knew how to do, it was getting to the bottom of a mystery.

"So, a bit unusual, huh?" Chet said casually, noting the look the two paramedics exchanged. "What...ah, what was unusual about it?"

"It's nothing, Chet," Johnny snapped before almost diving into his stew.

Chet knew he wasn't going to get anything from the younger of the pair, so he turned his attentions to Roy, who seemed to be staring at something fascinating at the bottom of his bowl. "Come on, guys." Chet tried a different tactic. "You two have seen everything. How much more unusual could this run have been?"

Neither paramedic said a word.

When in doubt, try blackmail. "Okay, but when I find out, and I will find out, I'm going to post it on the bulletin board for all to see."

"He's just going to keep pushing until we tell him," Roy said to his partner.

"I'm not going to tell him anything," John replied, shaking his head vehemently.

"Come on, Johnny. It's not like it was you or anything. Look at it like it was just another run. That's all." Roy tried to coax some good humor from the obviously embarrassed Gage.

"Okay, okay." John sighed. "Chet, we got a man unstuck from his swimming pool."

Chet waited for further details. When none came he prodded for more. "Yeah, so what's the big deal about that?"

"It's the way he was stuck," Roy answered.

After another long pause Chet shouted, "Come on, do I have to drag it out of you?"

"He was stuck in the filter intake." Johnny's voice dropped to almost a whisper.

"What, his head, his foot, his hand? Don't tell me his whole body got stuck in the filter intake." Chet snorted at how dull the story was turning out to be.

"No, none of those," Roy murmured.

"Then what happened?" Chet's voice raised a full octave in his effort to get the guys to spill the whole story.

"His dick! Are you happy now? This guy was trying to give himself a good time and his dick got stuck in the filter intake! Now, shut up! I don't want to talk about it any more !" Johnny shouted.

Chet could only stare at the two totally embarrassed paramedics as his imagination processed the scene. Finally he broke out in a howl of laughter that could be heard all the way out to the street. For a moment

or two it looked as if Chet was going to pass out from lack of oxygen he was laughing so hard, and neither paramedic would have minded that one bit. When the laughter finally died down to a low chuckle, Chet gathered enough air into his lungs to continue his line of questioning.

"So, what did you do to get him out?" Chet tried to put an innocent look on his face, but failed miserably.

When Johnny refused to answer, Roy finished the tale with as much professionalism as he could muster.

"Well, he had been in there a long time 'cause he had been embarrassed to call, so he was slightly hypodermic by the time we got there. I turned off the filter, and Johnny poured a little oil over it..." Roy

paused as Johnny dropped his head into his hands. "Then Johnny just...pulled it...I mean him out. It was a good rescue, Johnny. He could have died if he didn't get out of that water right away. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Then you write up the report," John snapped, not raising his head from his hands.

"Can I write up the report?" Chet asked, laughing.

"No!" Both paramedics shouted in unison, which sent Chet into another helpless peal of laughter.

"We're never going to live this down," John sighed as he got up and put his bowl in the sink.

Roy did the same, and nodded his head in agreement. "Well, at least I didn't have my hands on his..."

"Alright, alright." Johnny held his hands up in surrender. "How about we both fill out the report?"

"Sounds like a plan." Roy answered, and the two paramedics headed over to the office.

"Well, there's one good thing about an embarrassing run," Chet said to himself as he looked at the two empty bowls in the sink. "No one gets on me for my cooking."

With that the fireman rushed out to find the others. This was one story he just had to tell.

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