TITLE: To Wear The Caduseus

AUTHOR: Sara Archer

RATING: slash R

PAIRING: Johnny/Roy

STATUS: ongoing sequel to 'Confession'

ARCHIVE: yes, please

DISCLAIMER: Nope, not mine, I'm making not a dime out of this.

SUMMARY: While Johnny sets out to help Roy discover his feelings, Roy has other ideas. Can the two work past their differences in time?

WARNINGS: First time (Boy am I drawing this one out;-)). Some violence, and some graphic language. No graphic sex, I'm getting to that.

Notes: For those who asked to archive this believing they were getting a Man From UNCLE crossover, I'm afraid I've had a slight change of plans. I will put out an E!/ MUNCLE crossover later to whomever wants it and it will be entitled "Under The Maltese Cross" (Yeah, I know I'm milking that paramedic badge thing:-)) I hope this doesn't inconvenience anyone.

As always, I enjoy all types of comments, helpful hints, and cyber slaps-upside-the-head if I get too far out of line.

I hope you enjoy the story.

To Wear The Caduseus
Sara Archer

The dim light of the fire station in the early hours before everyone awoke was perfect for a group of men all trying to sleep off the days worries. It was bright enough that a person could find the bathroom without turning on a light, and dark enough to rest the eyes of men who had stared into flames for hours on end.

As paramedic John Gage had discovered since returning to duty after his ordeal in the sewers, it was also the perfect lighting to contemplate his sleeping partner.

He had woke up the same way for the past few days, every morning he had been at the firehouse to be precise. He was laying on his left side facing the slumbering form of Roy DeSoto.

Roy was laying facing him as well. In fact, as John recalled, Roy always slept facing him. It was almost as if he was keeping a protective eye on the younger paramedic, even in his sleep.

John watched as the light sheet draped over Roy's body rose and fell in time with the blond's breathing. John's gaze moved up across Roy's furry chest to the lips parted in sleep. Air moved across them in an almost sensual rhythm. Though he had never truly noticed it before, John had to admit that Roy's mouth was a pleasure to observe. The full lips were soft yet masculine, making John wonder what their texture would feel like, taste like.

The younger man had to stifle his groan of frustration before he woke the whole station with it. It just wasn't fair. Ever since the day Roy had confessed his love for his partner, believing that John couldn't hear him, Gage had done nothing but think of what it would be like to love, be loved by, and make love to Roy DeSoto.

His imagination brought up the mental image of Roy sliding out from under that sheet and coming over to his bed. Roy would gently nibble on John's lower lip before pressing harder against his mouth, demanding without words that John open to accept the invasion of Roy's tongue. John knew that was a demand he would gladly give in to.

John came back to reality with the awareness that he was looking into blue eyes that were studying him as well. Roy had awoke.

The two lay staring at each other in the early morning dimness. A moment of panic came to the younger man at being caught in the act of fantasizing about his partner. It only lasted for a moment though. A soft smile came to John's face, and Roy echoed it with a sleepy one of his own.

"Good morning," John whispered, his tone intimate.

"Morning," Roy murmured back.

The shared smile was ended by the morning wake up alarm going off. Each man shrugged off their covers as the rest of the station came awake. Somewhere to the back of the room, Captain Hank Stanley signed on air for another day.

"Who's turn is it to start coffee?" Chet Kelly gave his usual morning groan.

"Yours," the whole station answered in unison.

"Oh, ha ha," Chet shot back with a false laugh. "It's been my turn for the past week."

"Then you should be able to do it right by now." Cap' gave Chet a sociable slap on his shoulder as he passed. "All I know is I get the shower first this morning."

Chet headed for the kitchen grumbling something about, "If you don't like my coffee, you make it."

"What was that, Kelly?" Cap' called from the bathroom door.

"Uh...I hope you'll like my coffee and don't fake it," Chet stammered out.

"That's what I thought." Stanley disappeared into the bathroom.

"Good save." Marco Lopez laughed as he made his own way to the toilet.

Chet shot the other fireman a dirty look before going to the kitchen.

After the exchange, Roy glance over at Gage, then looked to the floor. John noticed his partner's demeanor seemed very nervous. Roy was fidgeting with his suspenders as he pulled his pants on, refusing to meet John's gaze.

It took everything he had for the younger man not to start laughing. He couldn't believe the situation the two of them had gotten themselves into. Both of them wanted the same thing, but Roy was too embarrassed by his own feeling to know it.

It was at that moment that John realized his need to break through Roy's fears, and get to what they both could share. In basic, John needed to seduce his partner. It would have to be a slow seduction, careful, to avoid frightening Roy off any more than he was. If there was one thing John Gage knew he was good at, it was the art of seduction. Roy didn't stand a chance against him.

Hiding his suddenly wicked grin, John lifted his hands over his head and faked a huge stretch. At the apex of his reach, he stumbled slightly, bringing his body in contact with Roy's. Yes, it was one of the oldest tricks in the book, but it still worked.

The reaction was everything he hoped it would be. Roy's arms came around his waist to support him, their faces came within inches of each others. Roy's bright eyes widened in astonishment as he felt John's hot breath blow across his lips. For a moment the younger man thought Roy was leaning in for a kiss, then Roy seemed to shake himself back to reality and quickly pulled away.

John pretended to totter for a moment as he tried to regain his balance.

"Whoops, must be my bad foot." John's eyes held a guileless look.

"Uh...yeah, well...keep an eye on it." Roy fumbled for something to say, then his eyes turned away. "I need some coffee." Roy rushed off toward the kitchen and the safety of not being alone with his partner.

John finally allowed his smile to come. This was going to prove to be a challenge, one he was willing to put his whole life into.

+++++++

The one thing about firehouse coffee was, no matter who made it, no matter how bad it tasted, even if a spoon could be made to stand up in it, it would be drank. Chet's coffee was no exception to any of those rules.

Roy brought his cup to his lips, grimacing as the bitter fluid flowed over his tongue. By his third sip he had decided it wasn't the worst he had ever tasted, and he leaned back in his chair as he drank it.

He caught himself looking at the bunkhouse door. He knew he was looking for Johnny, waiting to see the younger man emerge from his shower. He quickly looked away, chastising himself for behaving like a hormonal teenager.

Just because he had awoke this morning to find Johnny's gaze moving over his body, just because they had shared a secret smile, just because that 'good morning' Gage had uttered sounded so very intimate, just because there seemed to be a sexual heat that radiated from those deep, soul seering, brown eyes...

Roy shook himself. He had to stop this obsession with his partner. He took a deep breath, feeling his racing heart come more under control. That was better, all he needed was a little composer.

No sooner did that though enter his mind when Johnny strolled out into the kitchen towelling his hair and Roy knew he was fighting a losing battle. He had seen John in every form of undress, and right now, even in his uniform, he had never looked more handsome. The senior paramedic almost dropped his coffee cup when John shot him one of his quirky smiles.

"How's the coffee?" Gage asked even as he was pouring himself a cup.

"Well, I haven't fallen over dead yet, so I guess you can drink it." Roy was amazed at how calm his voice sounded.

"That isn't saying much when it comes to Chet's coffee." Johnny laughed at the sour look on Chet's face.

Roy gave a small smile to his co-workers as they began to argue about who made the worst possible coffee. Their words faded into the background as Roy watched his partner become animated in his debate.

Johnny had a way of moving his entire body as he spoke. First his fingers would splay, his hand cutting through the air. As if the movement was migrating, soon his arms would begin to flow, and if the discussion would last longer than a few minutes, Johnny's whole body would begin to sway.

Roy sometimes would provoke his partner just to watch the way John's body moved.

"Roy?" John's voice brought the senior paramedic out of his musings.

"Uh...what?" Roy blinked up at his standing partner.

"I asked you a question. You feeling okay?" John reached out and touched Roy's forehead.

Warm fingers came in contact with his skin, and for a moment Roy leaned into the touch. His eyes fluttered closed, a deep sigh rising up from his throat. At the last possible second before he released it, Roy realized what a wanton picture he was presenting. He jerked his head away from Johnny's hand, spilling his coffee across the table.

"Jeez, Roy, time to switch you to decaf," Chet complained as he reached for a rag.

Roy looked up at Johnny who merely quirked an eyebrow at him.

"No fever." The younger man seemed to being teasing him as he turned to refill Roy's cup.

Roy sat in shocked silence. Had he just given his feelings away? How could his partner not have noticed his behavior? More importantly, what was Gage up to with that wicked smile of his? Roy felt off balance, as if something were happening that he wasn't privileged enough to know about.

"More coffee?" John was still smiling when he put the cup back down in front of Roy.

Roy opened his mouth to reply, just as the station's alarm sounded.

***

Station 51's claxon drove every thought but that of their job out of both paramedic's minds. In an instant, the two men fell into their professional roles.

"Squad fifty-one, woman with unknown injuries. 721 West Elm, cross street 218 North. Time out 07:50." The calm voice of the dispatcher informed them of their next run.

Captain Stanley returned the call as Roy cross-checked the map to make sure of their destination. John slid into the passenger seat, and slipped on his helmet. Roy took his customary seat behind the steering wheel, and within seconds the two men were heading out on assignment.

"Unknown injuries." John sighed. "I hate it not knowing what we're going to."

"Probably nothing." Roy shrugged as he took a corner at thirty miles an hour, forcing John to grab the dash.

"Do you think it could be a false call?" John wondered.

"Maybe, or maybe she's just too embarrassed to tell dispatch what's wrong," Roy answered.

"Great," John grumbled.

"Don't worry, junior, we'll be there soon, and you'll get to find out." Roy nodded his head toward the street sign that read West Elm.

In less than two minutes the squad pulled up in front of a small run down house.

"Nice digs," John said dryly as he jumped out and headed for the equipment compartments.

"Take what you can get," Roy replied as he joined his partner and pulled out the trauma box and bio-phone.

Both men made their way up the broken walk to the front door, side stepping a pile of beer cans that littered the way. Johnny knocked gingerly on the fragile closure, then a bit harder when no one answered. Roy tried to look through the filthy windows in an attempt to see the interior, but a stack of old magazines blocked his view.

Finally they were greeted with a squeak of rusty hinges as the door opened slightly.

"Who is it?" A soft, tentative female voice asked from the other side of the door.

"Fire department, Ma'am," Roy answered. "Did you call us?"

The door slowly opened all the way and a terrified face full of bruises peered out from the opening.

"Are you alone?" she asked, her eyes darting about fearfully.

"Yes, ma'am, it's just me and my partner. Can we come in?" Roy used a gentle tone to try and calm the obviously frightened woman.

"Yes." She nodded and opened the door all the way for the men.

The two paramedic stepped through the door and she backed up quickly, as if trying to stay out of their reach. John reached for her arm, but she flinched away, not allowing him to touch her. He smiled kindly at her, holding out his hand, letting her come to him. She finally relented and stepped forward, letting him take hold of her arm and lead her to the couch.

"Let's have you sit down here." John helped her sit down, carefully noticing the way she winced and lightly held her abdomen. "I need to look at you stomach here. It won't take long, but I'll need you to just let go for a minute...that's it."

Roy took her wrist between his fingers and she almost yanked her hand out of his grip. He gave her a reassuring smile and she relaxed slightly in his grasp.

"Can you tell us your name?" Roy asked as he timed her rapid pulse.

"M...Mary Page," she all but whispered.

"Roy, I have rigidity here," John said as he softly touched her waist.

Roy nodded to his partner, keeping his smile in place for Mary's benefit. "Well, Mary, it looks like you've had a hard day. About how long ago did this happen?"

"Um...about two hours ago." Mary dropped her gaze to the floor. "My stomach really started hurting about half an hour ago though."

"Do you want to tell me how it happened?" Roy lowered himself in an attempt to keep eye contact with her.

She shook her head, but said nothing.

"Did someone hit you, Mary?" Johnny asked gently as he slipped the blood pressure cuff around her upper arm.

She looked up at him sharply, her eyes wide with terror. Her head moved violently in the negative as her hands clutched desperately at the couch cushions.

"It's okay, Mary," Roy said soothingly. "We're just here to help."

"No, no." Mary was definitely panicked. "I can't...I can't..."

Before she could say anything else, the front door burst open, and Mary gave a little scream. A mountain of a man stormed into to the room, and Roy could smell the liquor on him from across the room.

"What the hell is going on here!?!" The behemoth shouted.

Roy immediately put himself in front of the woman in a protective stance as John stepped forward. Gage held his hands out, trying to diffuse the situation.

"Now, let's everyone just calm down," John said cautiously. "We're with the fire department, and we just want to help Mary here."

"That's my wife!" the man bellowed, advancing menacingly on Gage.

"Karl, please..." Mary pleaded from behind Roy's protection.

"Shut up, bitch," Karl snarled. "Damn you. You fuck everything up."

"Now Karl, let's not let this get out of hand. I can see you're a little upset..." John tried for a calm he knew he wasn't going to get.

"Fuck you!" Karl roared, and made a drunken swing of his fist at John.

The paramedic easily dodged the intended blow, but Karl was relentless, his arms pistoning like a windmill.

Roy felt his heart leap into his throat, and without a thought for his patient or himself, he bodily rammed himself into Karl's swinging form. Both men tumbled to the floor in a tangle of limbs. Over the sound over Mary's shrieks, Johnny waded in and separated his partner from the mass, yanking Roy to his feet.

"You okay?" Roy asked Johnny as they jumped away from the cursing man on the floor.

"Me? I'm not the one who ended up on the floor." John replied breathlessly. "He's not going to stay down for long. What do we do when he gets up?"

"You get Mrs. Page out to the squad." Roy nodded at the terrified woman. "I'll hold him off."

"You can't hold him off by yourself." John shook his head as Karl began to pick himself off the floor.

"I'm not going to let you get hurt. Now, I'm the senior partner here. Get going!" Roy snapped.

"I'm not leaving you here to take on this guy by yourself," John yelled as Karl charged at the two men.

With no thought of his own safety, Roy stepped in front of John, ready to take the blow to save his partner.

"Whoa there." A new voice from the door stopped Karl in mid-attack.

All three men turned to see Officer Vince Howard standing in the doorway. Silence fell on the room and all that could be heard was Roy's ragged breathing and Mary's frightened whimpers.

"Mister, you better not be doing what it looks like you're doing." Vince's hand rested on the butt of his revolver.

Karl glared daggers at the cop for a moment, then finally his shoulders slumped in defeat. It took only a minute more for Vince to handcuff the man.

With the heat of the battle over, Roy heard Mary's soft crying. He quickly sunk to his knees next to her.

"Shhh," He tried to calm her by reaching for her hand.

"No!" She screamed, pulling away from him. "Don't touch me!"

Roy knew to her terrorized mind, it didn't matter that he hadn't hurt her. All she saw was another man attacking her husband. In his haste to save his partner, Roy had broken the first rule of being a paramedic; the patient always comes first. This woman would never trust him again.

John pushed past his partner to kneel next to the frightened woman. He quickly took over for Roy, taking Mary's vitals again. John was so busy with his work, he failed to see the sad look Roy gave him.

The senior paramedic reached for the bio-phone, doing the only job the woman would allow him to do. He called Rampart General Hospital, totally aware of her panic-stricken eyes boring their way into his heart.

***

"You should have seen it, Dixie." Gage's hands waved in the air as he told his story to Rampart's head emergency nurse, Dixie McCall. "Roy took this guy down, head-butted him right in the gut. The guy was twice our size, but that didn't stop Roy, no sir."

Dixie's gaze rose to see an exhausted looking Roy DeSoto coming out of emergency room three. There was something in the senior paramedic's eyes that stopped Dixie from ribbing him about his ordeal.

"She okay?" John asked, nodding his head toward the room Roy had just come from.

"They're prepping here for surgery now." Roy said tiredly. "Doctor Early thinks she's going to make it."

"Hopefully she'll get some psychiatric help as well." John touched Roy on the shoulder. "How are you feeling?"

"A Little sore. Funny, but it looks so easy in the movies." Roy rolled his shoulder and winced.

"I would have thought you would have known better, Roy DeSoto." Dixie admonished him. "This is real life, not the movies. You don't just go slamming into people and not expect to get hurt."

"Now just a minute there, Dixie..." John was ready to defend his partner.

"No, she's right." Roy interrupted him. "It was pretty stupid of me. We should have just back out until Vince got there. I'm going to be feeling this for quite awhile."

Dixie patted the senior paramedic on the hand and said gently, "No matter what, you still have to keep a cool head on your shoulder. Getting yourself hurt isn't going to solve any of your problems, so take care of yourself."

"Thanks, Dixie, I guess I just needed a reminder." Roy sighed as he exchanged a sad look with the nurse.

John watched the silent communication between the two with a new understanding. Dixie knew. Sometime, for some reason, Roy must have confided in her his secret. Gage felt a slight pang of jealousy that his partner could trust someone else besides him. He quickly quashed the feeling though. Roy had needed someone to help him through Joanne leaving him, and at the time didn't think he could have received that help from Johnny. The younger man decided he would have to show his partner how wrong he was.

"Ah, Roy? I've got our supplies here. Unless you'd like to see a doctor about your neck, maybe we should be getting back to the station." John held up the box of materials.

"Yeah, see ya, Dixie." Roy nodded and followed his partner down the hall.

Dixie McCall raised an eyebrow at the departing pair. Was it just her imagination, or had she sensed a moment of jealously coming from a one John Gage? She smiled slightly as she turned back to work, vowing to herself that she would have to keep an eye on those two and see what would develop.

+++++++

John sat in the passenger seat of the squad on the way back to the station, a worried frown on his face. Roy was being too quiet. Every time John had tried to engage him in conversation, Roy had given an one or two word answer, then lapsed back into silence.

Finally, unable to take the quiet, John blurted out, "What is bothering you, man? It was a good rescue. We probably got that woman the help she's needed for a long time."

Roy was quiet for a minute more, and just when John thought he wasn't going to get an answer, the senior paramedic sighed. "I screwed up."

"What?" John said in disbelief. "How?"

"I left my patient." Roy was shaking his head.

"So? You probably saved us all from a beating. What, do you think you could have talked that guy out of hurting her more. No way, man, he was crazy. If Vince wouldn't have shown up when he did, we'd all be sporting some new bruises."

"Gage, we had a battered, disturbed woman there. Her pulse was too fast, her blood pressure too low, she had rigidity of the abdominal wall. The last thing she needed was to see a bunch of men fighting." Roy tried to get his partner to understand what he was trying to say.

"What do you think you could have done differently?" John asked point blank.

"I don't know," Roy murmured.

"What did you say?"

"I don't know." Roy's voice rose. "I don't know that there was anything I could have done differently, but that's not my point."

"Then what is your point?" John sounded exasperated.

"It wasn't just that I left my patient. For a minute there I just forgot all about her. It wasn't what I did, it was the reason I did it."

"And that was?" John knew the answer, but he wanted Roy to say it. He wanted Roy to admit that for a moment, all he could think of was John.

"I...I don't know," Roy stammered. "Look, let's just drop it, okay?"

"But if it's bothering you..." John gave one last attempt at getting an answer.

"I said drop it," Roy snapped.

"Okay, okay." John held up his hands in surrender. "Consider it dropped...for now."

Roy shot his partner an irritated look, then turned back to the road. They rode the rest of the way back to the station in silence.

+++++++

The ride back to the station seem to take forever to Roy. He had been grateful when John had finally let the subject of his lack of professionalism drop. Roy had needed time to think, time to decide what to do next.

His little...no, he admitted to himself...his huge obsession with his partner had been fine when it hadn't been hurting anyone but himself. Now, however, it had spilled over into his job performance, and that was something he just couldn't allow.

He knew trying to fight his feelings was a lost cause. They weren't going away. In fact, as today demonstrated, they were getting stronger. His imagination turned every move Johnny made into something blatantly sexual. Every look, every smile, every touch seem to have some secret meaning to it.

Roy had to stop this thing before it got out of hand, and there was only one way he could think of to do that. It was time to remove the temptation.

***

As soon as the squad was backed into the bay, Roy was out and heading for the captain's office at a quick pace. When John tried to follow, Roy closed the door behind himself in a gesture that meant John was not to come with him.

John glared at the closed door for a moment before stalking of to the kitchen. How was a man suppose to seduce someone who wouldn't let him talk to him, even be near him?

Gage knew Roy had been wrong about what he had done on the rescue. There had simply been no other way to handle it at the time. That blasted fool was so busy feeling guilty though, he couldn't see it.

"It's okay to love someone, you know," John murmured to himself as he walked into the kitchen.

"Hey, Gage, talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity." Chet call to him from the couch where he sat scratching the station's mascot, Henry, on his belly.

"You should know, Chet." John shot back.

"Hey, Johnny, Chet here was just telling us about his latest conquest." Marco was laughing. "He met her on a fishing trip."

"Caught her on your hook, did you?" John asked dryly as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"You're just jealous 'cause you're not going to be spending your day off with some gorgeous blond." Chet replied haughtily.

"He's working on it though." The quiet voice of Mike Stoker interrupted their debate.

John almost spit out the sip of coffee he had just taken as he spun to face the usually withdrawn fireman. Did Stoker know? John could read nothing on Mike's placid face that gave away what the man was thinking.

"Yeah? Anyone we know?" Chet asked, sensing an opportunity to tease the ever volatile Gage.

"You'd be surprised." Mike smiled and patted Johnny on the shoulder before changing the subject. "So, where are you taking this gorgeous blond of yours, Kelly?"

Chet forgot all about John's mysterious blond as he launched into a detailed and torrid description of his plans to maneuver the unsuspecting woman into a compromising situation.

John breathed a sigh of relief, laid his cup down on the table, and quickly exited back out into the bay to avoid any further questions.

His gaze fell on the closed door of the office as he wondered what Roy was up to. The senior paramedic had been pretty upset, but John was sure Roy wouldn't do anything stupid. Being a paramedic was very important to Roy, and everyone knew that together they made a great team. 'The best in the business' was what Vince called them. There was no way Roy would do anything to change that.

John wandered across the bay to place himself next to the captain's door. He couldn't hear anything of the conversation from the other side, but it didn't worry him much. He would get Roy to tell him about it later.

Instead Gage decided that for once, Chet had a good idea. He leaned back against the wall and tried to figure out a nice way two people could spend the day alone together. He was going to try and convince Roy that he would like nothing better than to spend his day off with his partner.

A quiet, overnight camping trip might be nice. Maybe get in a little fishing. In the small tent John had, the two men would be sleeping in very close quarters. There would be plenty of opportunities for those 'accidental' touches that seem to drive Roy crazy. A smile played across John's face. If he could pull this off, he just might be able to have Roy confessing his feelings before their next shift.

The door to the office opened, interrupting John's train of thought. Roy paused in the doorway as the captain gave him some final words.

"I'll think about it, DeSoto, but I want you to do the same," Hank stated firmly.

"I will Cap', and thanks." Roy nodded as he pulled the door closed behind him.

"Hey," John said softly before Roy could walk away.

Roy turned to see Johnny leaning nonchalantly against the wall.

"Listening at the keyhole?" Roy asked, raising his hand to the back of his neck.

"Tried, couldn't hear anything." John shrugged, then motioned to Roy's movement. "Does it still hurt?"

"Just a little." Roy sighed. "More stiff than anything."

"You should have let Brackett look at it while we were at Rampart." John pushed himself away from the wall and walked towards his partner. "Turn around, let me see."

"No, Johnny, it's okay, really." Roy stepped back from John's outstretched hand.

"Quit being such a baby and let me see." John caught Roy by the shoulders and spun him around. "Jeez, you can face a raging fire but you can't let your own partner take a look at your neck?" The younger man lightly admonished.

Roy had to stifle a gasp as John's long fingers slid down the column of his neck. The touch was firm yet gentle, probing lightly from his hairline to down under his collar. Roy closed his eyes and grit his teeth in an effort not to moan as John's fingers danced across his flesh.

"You're awfully tight here." John began to rub tiny circles over Roy's tense muscles. "Are you sure it doesn't hurt that much?"

Roy could only shake his head no when John's other hand joined the first in an almost sensual massage.

"You seem to be loosening up a bit." Roy heard his partner murmur.

John was right. No matter how hard Roy tried to steel himself against John's touch, he could feel his muscles relaxing under the younger man's ministrations. For a second he thought his knees were going to buckle, and he quickly brought his hands out to support himself against the squad.

"Feeling better?" John's voice had an innocent tone.

"Mm hm," was the most Roy could manage at the moment.

"You know, I was thinking." John continued to talk though Roy wasn't hearing much of what was being said. "If you're not doing anything on our next day off, maybe we could throw a couple of sleeping bags into the back of my truck and go up into the mountains."

Roy knew he should be listening to what Johnny was saying, but he couldn't focus on anything more than those talented hands as they slid across his back. They seemed to find every stiff muscle he had, even through his uniform's shirt. John was coaxing every knotted muscle to
relax until it felt as if even Roy's spine was melting away.

"Roy?" John interrupted his train of thought.

"W...what?" Roy stammered.

"How does that sound?" Oh yes, he was suppose to give an answer on the camping trip.

"Johnny, I don't think ..." Roy began.

Before Roy could finish his refusal, John stepped closer. Roy could feel his partner's warm breath on the back of his neck, and this time a gasp did escape his lips.

"I just don't think you should be in that house all by yourself." John's voice was pitched low and seemed to vibrate over Roy's skin the same way his fingers were. "You need to get out, forget about Joanne leaving you, forget about the job, just...have a good time."

"I..." Roy tried one last time to gather his wits about him to give the correct answer.

"Please, Roy," John whispered from right next to his ear.

"Okay." Roy sighed, unable to resist his partner's plea.

John immediately stopped the massage and stepped away, leaving Roy disoriented.

"Good, don't worry about a thing. I'll take care of everything." John was smiling as he walked away.

Roy had a dazed look in his eyes as he watched his partner leave. What had just happened? Damn it, he knew he couldn't handle a camping trip alone with John. Why had he said yes? He closed his eyes, savoring the memory of John's hands on him, John's breath on his neck, John's soft voice in his ear. He knew why he had given in and said yes. How on earth was he going to control himself when he was with John in an isolated setting when he couldn't do it here in the middle of the firehouse bay?

The more Roy witness his own erratic behavior, the more he knew he had made the correct decision. If he could just survive this camping trip without giving himself away, he just might make it. He knew Johnny would understand his choice...in time.

***

Roy glanced remorsefully at the small pile of camping gear at his feet. Johnny would there any moment to pick him up, and Roy could find absolutely no way out of this trip. He had racked his brain to come up with a good excuse to give his partner why he couldn't go, but John had
found a valid reason to shoot every one of them down.

He heaved a huge sigh when he saw John's truck coming around the corner. Nothing short of running into the house, pulling the drapes closed, and locking the door behind himself would get him out of it now. For an insane moment he considered doing just that, but the knowledge that John had the key to both his front and back door stopped him. John Gage was one man he couldn't hide from.

John jumped from the truck and looked over to where Roy stood shifting his weight nervously from foot to foot. The blond looked like he was ready to bolt at a moments notice. John smiled, knowing that he would have to handle his partner with kid gloves until Roy finally gave in to his feelings.

"Ready to go?" John asked as he grabbed Roy's sleeping bag and tossed it into the back of the truck.

"Yeah, but I still don't know that I should be going." Roy gave one last try at escape. "I've got so much to do around the house. Owning a house isn't like renting an apartment. There's so much to keep up with. The grass needs mowing, the sink..."

"Not today." John held up his hand to interrupt. "Today I am going to treat you to a quiet fishing trip somewhere remote where we won't have to think about fires, car accidents, injuries, or anything like that. Come on, hop in. We'll be there in a couple of hours."

Roy gave one last forlorn look at his house, almost as if begging it to give him an excuse to stay.

"Don't worry, it'll still be here when you get back." John tossed the last of the fishing gear into the truck, then turned back to Roy. "And if it isn't, you can always come live with me."

Roy rolled his eyes to the heavens. Moving in with Johnny was the last thing he needed. Finally the older man set his shoulders, got into the truck and accepted his fate.

"Looks more like he's going in front of a firing squad than on a fishing trip." John muttered to himself as he walked around to the driver's side.

If asked, Roy would have probably agreed.

+++++++

The ride into the wilderness proved to be quite pleasant. The two men fell into the easy banter they had long ago perfected. Roy found himself relaxing as John told him story after story about life growing up on a ranch. Roy even shared a few of his own tales about his childhood growing up in the big city of Los Angeles. Besides the careful avoidance of mentioning the name Joanne, it seemed like old times.

They pulled over to refuel at an ancient gas station that looked as if it had been built when automobiles first began to tour the old rutted roadways. The station's proprietor looked just as old. It had been a long time since Roy had been called a youngster, and he found the old man's down home humor refreshing.

By the time they dropped off the paved highway onto the rutted dirt lane that led to to the secluded lake shore, John could tell that Roy was in much better spirits. The beautiful scenery, combined with their friendly talk had gone a long way to lessening those little tension lines that had begun appearing around Roy's mouth and eyes.

They came to a bumpy stop about fifty feet away from the shoreline. Roy was in awe of the beauty that surrounded them. Hills rose up on all sides, giving the illusion that they were the only two people on earth. The crystal blue lake, nestled in the lowest part of the valley, reflected those hills along with the cloudless sky. Far above, circling over the hidden valley, a hawk looked down on the two human intruders before soaring away over one of the hill tops.

Roy inhaled deeply, drawing a large breath of the clean air into his lungs. "It's wonderful," he whispered, unable to come up with a better word to describe it.

"Hungry?" John asked as he pulled the cooler out of the truck.

Only then did Roy realize just how famished he was.

"Starved," he replied.

"Then you carry the blanket." John threw the picnic spread at his unready partner, hitting Roy in the face.

Roy burst out laughing. "Watch it, junior, or you might find yourself tossed in the lake."

"Promises, promises." John teased as he lead the way down to the lake shore.

Their picnic consisted of little more than cold sandwiches, some fruit, and a couple of beers, but as all food eaten in the outdoors, it tasted like ambrosia to the two men. John had to laugh when Roy's beer overflowed the rim of his bottle and saturated the front of his shirt.

"You're the one who's going to need to get tossed in the lake." The younger man pointed out. "Just to get you cleaned up."

Roy threw a pine cone at him.

After lunch, both men settled back to rest as their bodies digested their meal. John rolled on his side to watch Roy's face go through the final stages of relaxation as the older man drifted to sleep.

Roy's honey colored eyelashes rested in crescents on his cheeks, giving the man an angelic appearance. The lips that John had fantasized about for the last few weeks parted slightly as Roy's breathing even out. His tousled blond hair further accentuated his boyish good looks.

"You're so beautiful." John whispered to the sleeping man.

Roy's breath caught for a second, then his lips moved as if they were forming silent words. John froze until Roy settled back into a peaceful sleep. John then reached out and skimmed his fingertips just over the top of Roy's slack facial features, not quite touching, but close enough
to feel the heat that radiated from the soft skin.

"So beautiful." John whispered again as he pulled his hand away and just lay watching his slumbering partner.

A few minutes later, Roy woke up, fully refreshed from his brief nap. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked over at John. The younger man wore a lazy smile on his face, and appeared to be studying Roy.

"What?" Roy asked defensively. "Do I drool in my sleep?"

"Nope." John shook his head as he climbed to his feet. "You look great in your sleep." He held out his hand as an offer to help Roy up.

Roy slid his hand into John's, feeling those strong fingers wrap around his wrist. It seemed like, just for a moment, John's fingers were moving like a caress against his palm. The sensation distracted Roy, so he was unprepared when John gave a quick jerk and yanked Roy to his feet. Overbalanced, Roy stumbled forward, right into Johnny's arms.

John smiled at him, and Roy felt his heart leap into his throat when John's gaze fell to his mouth. Roy could feel John's warm breath wafting across his suddenly oversensitive lips. The blond tilted his head to the side almost moaning when he witness the tip of John's pink tongue come out and wet the younger man's lips.

It took a great amount of Roy's control to pull back. It felt as if John's arms were not going to release him for a moment, then Roy was free. He stepped away, trying to catch his breath, slow his pounding heart.

"Want to get some fishing in?" John was gathering up the remains of their picnic as if nothing had happened.

Roy decided that to John, probably nothing had. It was only his fertile imaginations that made that act seem in any way sexual.

"Uh...s...sounds good." Roy fought to keep his emotions in check as he followed John back to the truck to get their gear.

By the time both men had donned on their waders, a few fluffy clouds were floating overhead.

"We'll have to keep an eyes on those." John motioned to the sky.

"Yeah," Roy agreed as he waded out into the lake and cast his line. "But we'll have caught our limit by the time any rain gets here."

"You're pretty sure of yourself." John smiled.

" Yep, I'm feeling lucky today." Roy turned his attention to his bobber floating on the surface of the lake.

"Funny, so am I," John murmured as he cast his own line out into the blue waters.

***

Roy triumphantly held up his third catch of the day only seconds before John held up his. A frown crossed the younger man's face as he looked at the size of Roy's fish.

"What?" Roy was laughing at his partner's expression.

"Yours is bigger than mine." John gave a mock grumble before he waded over to the cooler.

Roy joined him, adding his fish to their earlier catches before looking to the sky. The once fluffy clouds had taken on a heavy appearance that threatened rain in the near future. The air around them had grown heavy with the approaching storm front, and to Roy who was use to the dry heat of the LA basin, it was getting to be uncomfortably sticky.

"Hot?" John asked as Roy wiped his brow.

"Not hot, really." Roy shook his head. "You know the old saying, it's not the heat, it's the humidity that'll get you."

"Well, up here there's only one way to cool off." John said, a mischievous look coming to his eyes.

"Okay, I'll bite, what's that?"

"Skinny dipping." John replied and almost laughed when Roy's jaw dropped open.

"I'm not going skinny dipping," Roy sputtered in shock.

"Why not? I'm hot, you're hot. No one's around." John shrugged the suspenders of his waders off his shoulders.

"What are you doing?" Roy was desperate to stop this before it progressed any further.

"Taking my cloths off. That's one of the points of skinny dipping." John grasped the hem of his T-shirt and began to pull it over his head.

"Don't!" Roy shouted.

"What? Why? I don't have anything you don't have," John said, lowering his arms at the alarm in Roy's words.

"We'll scare the fish." Roy grasp for any excuse.

"We've got enough for dinner." John shrugged.

Unable to think of anything more to say, Roy did the only thing that came to mind. He ploughed out of the water at the fastest pace he could muster, leaving Johnny to stare at his retreating figure.

Roy felt the need to escape. He knew if he were see Johnny naked in this state of mind, he was certain his secret would be blown. He couldn't do it. He couldn't face the disgust in his partner's eyes when John realize how Roy felt about him.

To the older man it seemed as if he were cornered, trapped. He had to get out of there, and he had to get out of there now.

Roy frantically pulled off his waders, stumbling several times before he finally extracted himself. By that time John had join him on shore.

"What's wrong?" John's question sounded apprehensive.

"It's going to rain. We caught enough fish. I have things to do. I want to go home." Roy threw out every excuse that came to mind.

"Roy, calm down. We don't have to go skinny dipping if you don't want to." John offered.

"I just have to go home. I've been feeling guilty about just dropping all the work I have to do, and I'm not having a good time. I want to go home." The words spilled out of Roy's mouth like water from a bursting dam.

"Roy," John started, but the panic in his partner's eyes stopped him. "Okay, if that's what you want."

"It's what I want." Roy nodded frantically.

"All right." John said, a soothing tone coming to his voice. "Let me go get the rest of our stuff, and we can go."

Roy stood trembling, trying to get his racing heart under control as John went back for the cooler.

By the time all of the gear had been loaded up, Roy's heart was not pounding as hard, and a guilty feeling came over him. They had been having a good time, and Roy decided that Johnny had absolutely no idea why he had suddenly flew off the handle like that. The poor man probably thought Roy had gone crazy. In a way, Roy felt that he had.

The rain began to fall as they came down out of the mountains. LA would more than likely be dry, but here, in the cooler air, it came down in sheets, make an already depressing ride even more miserable. The pair rode in silence the entire way back.

John left Roy off at the house in the late afternoon. The older man could think of nothing to say as he unloaded his gear. Finally, feeling the strain of their silence, Roy knew he had to say something.

"I'm sorry, Johnny," Roy offered his apology.

"Hey, no big deal. We'll work on your need to work too hard some other time. It was probably too soon after Joanne's leaving to try this anyway."

"Yeah, maybe, but still, I am sorry. It really was a wonderful spot." Roy gave a small smile.

"Then we'll go again sometime." John assured him. "Do you need any help around the house?"

"No," Roy blurted out, then added more calmly. "No, I can manage. Thanks."

"No problem." John shrugged as he got back into his truck. "See you at work tomorrow."

"Yeah, tomorrow," Roy said, and waved as Johnny pulled away from the curb.

A strange sense of regret washed over Roy as he watched his partner drive away. He knew he was doing the right thing. Johnny would never forgive him if he ever found out the truth. Still, Roy had a feeling that he had just blown his one chance at finding what all people were looking for in life. He had lost his chance to be happy.

Roy gathered up his gear and slowly headed to the house.

***

John felt numb as he pulled into his parking space in front of his apartment building. Through the windshield he stared remorsefully at the darkened windows of his flat. Before this whole fiasco started he had hoped by the time he returned home he would be at the beginning of a brand new relationship, one that already stood the test of time. Roy had been his partner, his friend, and the only family John had in this lonely city. Yet John wanted more. He wanted it all. Now it looked as if Roy's love was just one thing he couldn't have.

He didn't know how long he sat in his truck, his eyes focused on nothing, his mind focused on his loss. Entering his apartment alone, with no hope, seemed too difficult a chore. It would be as if, by walking though the apartment door without Roy, he would be admitting defeat, and his heart wasn't ready to accept that just yet.

Without having a destination in mind, John started his truck and pulled out into the light, early evening traffic. It seemed like the vehicle had a mind of its own as it wound its way through the streets of LA. It ended up at the one place John knew he could find company, LA County Fire Station 51. It had always been more of a home to the young man than his lonesome apartment ever was.

John parked his truck next to the line of B-shift vehicles out back. He fixed a smile on his face and wandered into the kitchen.

"Hi, guys." He greeted a table full of tired fire fighter. "Looks like you've had a full day."

"Well, Gage, can't get enough of this place?" Charlie Ellis asked as he poured an extra cup of coffee and handed it to John.

"No date, John?" Will slate ribbed his fellow paramedic.

"It fell through." John shrugged before taking a sip of the steaming brew. "You guys have a hard run?"

"Yeah, tanker off the coast split up. We spent eleven hours on a boat pulling its crew out of the drink. I tell you, if I wanted to work on a boat, I would have joined the coast guard." Charlie complained.

"Charlie spent the first hour hanging over the deck launching his lunch overboard." Will said, earning a chuckle from everyone in the room.

"Hey, Gage," Captain Bob Dixon called as he strolled in from the direction of the captain's office. "So, is the entire A-shift coming in tonight? I would have thought you guys would have had your fill of the place."

"Why? Who else was here?" John asked, glancing around the room.

"Hank, he's over in the office right now grumbling about some extra paperwork his men are making him fill out." Dixon hitched his thumb towards the office.

"What's Cap' doing here on his day off?" John wondered.

"Why don't you go ask him?" Dixon shrugged.

"I think I'll just do that." John set his cup on the table and went off to find Captain Stanley.

Hank was sitting at his desk, his head bent over a stack of papers when John walked in.

"Hi Cap'," John called as he knocked on the door.

"Oh no," Hank held out his hand to stop Gage before he started. "I don't know what's going on with my paramedics, but whatever it is, work it out. DeSoto's got me doing too much paperwork as is."

A wave of apprehension came over John, freezing him in his place. "What paperwork is that?"

"His transfer papers." Stanley said the words that sent Johnny's heart plummeting to his feet.

"His transfer papers?" John could hear the tremor in his own voice.

"Yeah," Hank said slowly, his attention turning to his young paramedic. "Didn't he tell you?"

"No," Gage whispered, more to himself than to answer the captain's question.

"Well, he asked for a transfer, and Dennis Colbert from the 86th was willing to make the switch." Hank stood up from his desk, moving toward Gage. "Are you okay with this?"

Johnny barely heard Hank's question. His thoughts were turmoil. It felt as if all the air in the room had suddenly disappeared and he gasped to pull oxygen back into his lungs. He could feel his whole body...no...his whole being begin to tremble.

"No." Again, John could only whisper.

He mentally shook himself, determined not to fall apart in front of his captain.

"No, Cap', I'm not okay with this," John said more strongly this time.

"Maybe you'd better talk it over with Roy then." Hank advised.

"Yeah." John nodded absent mindedly, then his eyes darken with anger. "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do."

John spun on his heels and headed out the door.

"I didn't mean right now." Stanley went to the door to stop the younger man. "Gage...Gage, don't go now. You need to calm down, think about it first."

"No, I need to talk to Roy right now." John snarled, not slowing his pace in the least.

Captain Stanley paused at the venom in the young man's voice. He had never seen Gage truly angry before, and he found the vision almost frightening. By the time he recovered, John was already squealing his tires out of the station.

The rest of the firemen came rushing out of the kitchen to watch as Gage's truck sped away.

"What's going on with Gage?" Will asked Hank.

"Nothing." Hank was shaking his head.

Where's he off to?" Charlie wondered.

"Well, let's just put it this way," Captain Stanley said as he turned and walked back to the the office. "I'm sure glad I'm not Roy DeSoto right now."

***

John was only partially concentrating on the highway as he sped through the city. Most of his mind was occupied with one thought. Roy was transferring out. The damn fool was leaving, and he didn't even have the courtesy to tell his partner that he was going.

If Roy thought he could just pick up and leave and John would condone it, he had another thing coming. This beating around the bush had just become ridiculous, and it was time to put a stop to it once and for all. John's hands tightened painfully on the steering wheel as he took a corner far too fast to be safe.

For crying out loud, they were both adults, and they had been best of friends for such a long time. Did Roy think he would throw away everything they had if Roy was to tell him how he felt? Did Roy think that little of him? John's foot pressed down a little harder on the accelerator pedal. This was not over by a long shot.

+++++++

Roy set his tiny bag of garbage down on the curb outside of his house. Like everything else in his life, this one act was very different than when he had been married. He could remember a time when his little family would fill several large bags each week. Now his trash bag resembled the lonely old widower's that lived up the block. He sighed heavily as he turned to make his way back into the house.

The sound of squealing tires brought Roy's attention back to the road. He turned just in time to see Johnny's truck roar to a stop in front of his house. Gage exited the vehicle like a man possessed, and Roy wondered briefly if a strategic retreat was advisable. John was on him before he could move.

"When were going to tell me?" John snarled, his hands clenched in fist at his sides.

"Now, Johnny..." Roy held his hands out as if ready to hold his partner off.

"What, were you going to wait until your last day?" John's voice rose with anger. "Maybe you weren't planning on telling me at all. I'd just come in one day and find out my new partner was Colbert from the 86th. Maybe you were think of giving me a 'dear John' letter..." John paused
as he considered how close to the truth that might be.

Roy took advantage of the moment of silence. "I was going to tell you. It's just that we had this camping trip planned and I didn't want to spoil it..."

"Bull!" John stopped him. "What, were you laughing away at me up there. You were, weren't you. Gage, the idiot, doing everything he can to save this blasted friendship, and here all along you were planning on leaving me."

"It wasn't like that." Roy pleaded with his eyes, begging Johnny to understand.

"God, you really must not think too much of what we have to throw it all away like this." John growled.

Roy had never seen John like this. Gage's usual animation he showed when he argued was gone. Facing an enraged John Gage could be likened to facing down a stalking panther. Every muscle of the young man's body was tensely frozen, as if he was just waiting to pounce.

"Please...Johnny...I..." Roy was at a loss of what to say to calm his partner down.

"Just tell me why." John demanded an answer.

"It's just time for a change. You couldn't think we'd be partner's forever, could you? I just..."

Gage shook his head as he advanced on Roy. "Tell me, damn it!"

"Tell you what?" Roy was desperate. "What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me the real reason." John was not going to leave his partner an out this time.

"I...I don't know what you're..." Roy's eyes were wide with fear.

John's patience had come to an end. "Yes you do, Roy. Just say the words."

Roy looked every part a deer caught in oncoming headlights. He shook his head in the negative as if that alone could stop where this conversation was going.

"Why can't you say it!?!" John shouted. "Go on, tell me you love me!"

It was as if the whole world came crashing down around Roy when Johnny said those words. He couldn't speak, he couldn't even think. Roy felt like he was moving in slow motion as he turned and walk back into his house. He gazed unseeing about the room as if looking for an answer, or a place to hide.

"Why can't you say it?" John's voice from behind him proved that the younger man was not going to just walk away.

"It's not that easy." Roy whispered as he refused to turn and face his partner.

"You said it before." John offered. "At the hospital. You touched my forehead and told me you loved me."

"You heard that?" Roy's voice was so soft Johnny had to strain to hear it.

"Yeah." John stepped closer. "Those were the most important words I've ever heard."

Roy finally turned to face the younger man, his eyes filled with tears he refused to shed.

"You were crying then too." John reached out to touch him, comfort Roy the way he so wanted to that day in the hospital.

Roy jerked away, not allowing any part of John to come in contact with him.

"So, now you know." Roy gathered up the remanents of his shattered prided and waited for John's mocking words. "That's the reason I'm leaving."

"Why?" A simple question.

"Why? What are you, an idiot?" Roy walked to the other side of the room, putting as much distance as he could between them. "God, my wife left me because of this. Why would you want to be around a pervert?"

"First, you're not a pervert. There's nothing perverted about loving someone. And second..." John paused, making sure Roy was paying attention. "Second, I love you."

Roy's eyes opened wide. "Don't say that," he snapped.

"Don't tell you that I love you? Why? Does it scare you?"

"Don't say what you don't mean."

"But I do mean it."

"No, you don't." Roy threw up his hands in exasperation. "You're just feeling sorry for an old man."

"No, you're the one feeling sorry for yourself." John countered. "I love you. You can deny your feeling all you want, but it isn't going to change a thing."

"It does." Roy disagreed. "We can't work together, we can't even be together."

"Because it scares you?"

"Because it's right."

"It's right to break up the best paramedic team in LA County?"

"It is when one of them is too distracted to do his job."

John smile gently at his partner. "Maybe we could do something about that."

"Like what?"

"Maybe if you acted on your distractions, they'll stop being distractions."

For a second John though he could feel Roy's blush from across the room.

"I...uh...Johnny...I don't think...It won't work." Roy stammered, embarrassed beyond belief. It was one thing to fantasize about a sexual relationship with his partner, it was totally different to actually act on that fantasy.

"We'll never know unless we give it a try." Johnny's eyebrows rose in a suggestive manner.

"No," was all Roy answered with.

"Come on. Scared?" John asked, his words teasing.

"Gage." Roy's tone held a warning.

"Think I'll bite?" John took a step forward.

"Johnny." Roy held out his hands to stop him.

"Come on, one kiss. What will it hurt?" John continued to provoke Roy.

"I'm not going to kiss you."

"You want to."

"You're a conceited bastard."

Johnny laughed. "Maybe, but I've got twenty...no..." John pulled out his wallet and extracted a twenty and two ten dollar bills. "Forty. I've got forty dollars that says you're too scared to do it."

"This is ridiculous."

"Forty dollars, Roy," John waved the money in the air. "Forty dollars that says one of LA's finest is a coward."

"You're acting like a kid." Roy's annoyance was rising.

"Roy DeSoto can head-butt some giant, but he's too scared to kiss his own partner." Johnny taunted.

"A really annoying kid." Roy snapped as he tried unsuccessfully to ignore John.

"One little kiss," Johnny whispered.

"Johnny..." Roy cautioned.

"Just press your lips against mine."

"Don't..."

"One kiss."

"Do..."

"A kiss."

"This."

"Kiss me, Roy."

Roy lurched forward, his patience at an end. He grabbed Johnny by the shoulders and shoved him against the wall. For a moment it looked as if Roy was try to figure out just how he was going to go about doing this. Then he tilted his head slighted, leaned forward, and covered Johnny's mouth with his own.

***

Any coherent thought they might have had left both men as their lips met.

Roy immediately lost himself in the taste and texture of Johnny's mouth. The younger man seemed to be exhaling his breath straight into Roy's lungs. Roy breathed it in, drawing it deeper into his body, making it a part of himself.

He wanted so much to keep his eyes open, to experience this once in a lifetime moment with all of his senses, but he was lost in the feeling. His eyes fluttered closed on their own volition when he felt the first touch of John's tongue against his mouth. He moaned as that tongue traced the outline of his lips before it tapped lightly at the part. Roy allowed his mouth to open, and John's tongue slipped inside.

It was Johnny's turn to moan at the first tentative touch of Roy's tongue against his own. John felt the need to get closer, so much closer. His hands gripped almost spasmodically at Roy's hips, pulling at them as if trying to crawl right under Roy's clothes, under Roy's skin, into his very flesh.

Their tongues duelled in Roy's mouth until Johnny relented and took the battle back into his own. Roy's hands buried into John's thick hair, trying to draw them closer still.

John could feel the hardness of Roy's arousal pressed against his hip, even through all their clothing. His own erection felt painfully confined behind the zipper of his jeans.

Finally, the need for oxygen drove the two men apart. They stood, panting for breath, staring into each others passion-filled eyes.

At last Johnny gathered enough air into his lungs to whisper, "I owe you forty dollars."

Roy shook his head and tried to step away, but John's hands at his hips anchored him in place.

"Let go, Johnny," Roy said softly, sadly.

"Why?"

"Because I asked you to."

John released his grip and Roy stepped out of his embrace. There was a look of defeat to the older man as he walked away.

"Roy?" Johnny called to the retreating man.

"I think you better leave," Roy said, refusing to look at his partner.

"But..."

"Please, I need you to go."

"I don't want to leave you." John was trying to understand what was wrong.

"Please, Johnny." The whispered words held a tone of desperation to them.

"I love you." Johnny's own voice cracked with emotion.

"I know, but I need time to think about this, and all I know is I can't think straight with you're near me."

John nodded, trying to understand. "You'll call me?"

Roy only shrugged.

"Call me." Johnny pleaded.

"Later," was all Roy answered with.

"I'll hold you to that," John said as he back out the door.

Roy nodded, and when Johnny knew he wasn't going to get anything more from his partner, he softly closed the door behind him.

+++++++

The television was on, but John Gage was not watching it. In fact, Johnny wasn't aware of much that was happening in his empty feeling apartment. He sat in his armchair staring out at nothing.

His entire thought process was wrapped around the fact that when he had finally found a person he could love, someone who wasn't just a name on his long list of failed relationships, he had blown it...as always.

He had charged into this without thinking how Roy would feel. He had driven his partner to distraction, and then finally driven him away. In his arrogance that his love was all that Roy needed, he had pushed too far, too fast, and now he'd be lucky if he ever saw the man again. He knew he should have never messed with a good thing. He and Roy had been partners, best friends. Why couldn't that have been enough?

He glance at the bottle of beer that had grown warm in his hand with his even tasting it. His fingers tightened painfully around the neck of the bottle until, with a burst of fury, he hurtled it across the room. It smashed against the wall in an explosion of amber liquid.

He had lost everything.

A knock on the door startled John out of his sorrowful musings. He ignored it, feeling too drained to get up and answer it.

The knock repeated.

"Go away," John muttered, not leaving the chair.

It came again, more insistent this time.

"Go away." John shouted at the closure.

By the fourth time it was a pounding that didn't stop.

John pushed himself out of the chair and stormed to the door.

"I said, go away!" He shouted as he yanked it open.

John's eyes opened wide with shock when he saw Roy standing on the other side. Both men stood silent, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

"We need to talk." Roy finally broke the stalemate.

John nodded, motioned him in, and closed the door behind them.

It was a start.

*******COMPLETE*******