COPYRIGHT1999-2000

THIS STORY IS WRITTEN FOR PLEASURE AND IS NOT INTENDED TO INFRINGE ON ANY PREEXISTING COPYRIGHTS THAT MAY BE VIOLATED. FEEL FREE TO SHARE WITH FRIENDS, BUT NOT FOR PROFIT. THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL, A WORK OF THE WRITER'S IMAGINATION. THE CHARACTERS AND INCIDENTS USED IN THIS STORY ARE PURELY FICTIONAL AND ARE NOT BASED ON ANY PERSON AND/OR PERSON'S ACTUAL EXPERIENCES.

Title: The First Assignment

Author: Sara C.

Rated: R, sexual content, suicide attempt.

Pairing: Johnny and Jaqueline

Archive: Anything that I post is fine if you'd like to archive it.

Content Warning: sexual content, suicide attempt.

Author's Notes, Reserve and Restriction: None. Except for a little violence and language. As well as sexual content.

Previously: Jaqueline had been injured in an accident, John and Jaqueline were married and now the story in its entirety, with a conclusion

THE FIRST ASSIGNMENT

By Sara C

` So, here I was, my first day out on the job.

I know, I know, it's not the greatest thing in the world, but it's a living. If you didn't realize it, I'm the first female fireman in the history of the Los Angeles Fire department.

I know, I must have been crazy to sign up for this job. But, this has always been my dream. I know, originally i'm from boston, where my family, every man in my family has been a firefighter. So, who am I to buck tradition.

I got chosen, finally, after six months of waiting and wishing. I went to the training school, and was treated worse than the men. But I had to make it, I had no other choice.

I was assigned to a station, to complete my training, 128's. Which is full of the most bigoted and small minded men on the face of the earth. I made it with no one's help but my own.

I got a plum assignment, at station 51. As the third person on the rescue squad.

I didn't know what I was getting into. I didn't realize that I was going to run into a new lover and an old one.

Well, I walked into the station house. Dressed and ready for work. Because they hadn't modified the station yet. Just for me, the only female here.

I walked over to the squad. I didn't see the man standing there.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked.

"I'm here for work," I smiled.

He looked at me once, then twice. In my uniform, and wearing a cap. Like everyone wore for assembly.

"You have got to be kidding me, you're the woman from the paper," he said.

"yeah? So?" I smiled.

"You sued the county to let you do this, and you end up here?" He said.

"Yeah, so?" I said. "This is a pretty good assignment."

He laughed and walked away.

I went to the kitchen, there sat the one person I was hoping that I wouldn't see, ever again.

"Hi Roy," I said softly.

He turned and looked very surprised,"Hi, Jax."

I looked at him, remembering. Not wanting to, but remembering the time we had spent together.

"I heard you were coming here, but I didn't think that you would," he smiled. "Sit, coffee?"

"No, thanks, just a glass of water," I said softly.

He got up and got it for me.

I drank it and looked around, wondering if anyone knew about my past, with him.

"So, this is Jackie Ross?" A tall, dark, and very handsome member of the station house crew smiled.

"Yeah, what's it to you?" I smiled.

"Well, I'm only making conversation, that's all. I'm John Gage," he smiled.

"Well, you already know who I am," i replied.

"That's Roy DeSoto," he said, sitting next to me.

"I know, I met him during paramedic training," I said softly.

"Oh?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said softly, "I was in the last class he taught."

Gage smiled at me, like the cheshire cat.

I wanted to wipe the grin from his face, but suddenly the station bell went off and we had a call.

"Well, baptism by fire is always fun," Roy smiled.

I ran, following him and jumping into the squad. Grabbing the helmet that someone had conveniently left on the seat.

Off we were, on my first real call.

A child choking, not much, but it was something. I was given the command of the situation, as a test. To see if I could handle it.

We got back to the station, the captain played 20 questions with Roy, about my performance. He apparently was pleased with the answers.

after dinner, I looked over the sleeping arrangements. I was to sleep in the hose room. Just where I wanted to sleep, with the mice and the spiders, but at least, it was away from Roy.

He came in after the others had long gone to sleep.

"I need to talk to you, Jax," he said softly.

"About what? It's all been said and done," I replied.

He just looked at me, and then he kissed me, deeply and passionately.

That kiss took me back, to a time before any of this.

I remember when I first was in the class, learning to be a paramedic.

Trying so hard to impress the teacher.

But not doing it in the class room, but doing it in a broom closet. He took my hand, leading me out of the room, into a small closet. He carefully tugged at my shirt, kissing me gently.

I tried to push him away, but I wanted him too much. I let him, he pulled my clothing from me, kissing me, making his way down, to my breasts, he gently took one nipple into his mouth, sucking softly. I put my hands in his hair, letting him do as he would, he moved ever downwards, taking his time, licking and sucking as he went.

He suddenly found my clit, he took it into his mouth, sucking and licking it.

He then stood, feeling that I was very wet and parted my legs and pushed me to the wall, thrusting his hardened sex into me, into my body, I felt him move and he fell against me and kept thrusting into me, into my body, as he moved, he deeply kissed me, our tongues tangling and mouths wide open. He held my hips, moving deeply into me, thrusting hard, getting ready to cum, making me ready to cum.

I cried out, shaking, moving with him, hard. Grinding my hips into his. I felt him cum inside me, deep and hard.

Both of us, breathless, held each other.

"We have to find a better place to meet," he smiled.

"My place?" I breathed into his ear.

"Sure," he smiled.

So, that's when the tutoring sessions began. He came over at least two nights a week. We'd study, then we would have sex. For the rest of the evening.

He was something.

But he was married. Which I didn't know, until I called him, late one night.

The phone rang and rang, then someone picked up.

"Hello?" A female voice said.

I hurried and hung up the phone.

"Who was that who picked up the phone the other night?" I asked as we lay together after one of our marathon sex sessions.

"My wife," he said softly.

I was crushed. I told him I never wanted to see him again. I couldn't do that to her. Or the kids that he had. Which I found out about later, when I asked someone who knew him. He had a boy and a girl.

That's when it ended. We parted on good terms. But it was over.

Until now.

"I want you back," he said softly. "Now that you're here, in the station, we can be lovers again."

I looked him straight in the eye, "No, Roy, I can't do that."

He looked at me, and I looked at him.

He turned," I won't say anything. To anyone. About our, history."

"Thank you," I replied.

He left quietly, quickly.

Over the next few weeks, I began to prove myself worthy of my place among the men.

After a shift, Gage came up to me.

"Ross," he smiled. "Can I talk to you?"

I turned to him and he took me aside.

"You know, you're something," he smiled.

"What the hell does that mean?" I smiled.

"Well, you do the ropes thing better than I do, you know your stuff when it comes to being a paramedic," he replied. "And when it comes to fighting a fire, you are definitely someone I'm glad to have on my side."

I looked at him,"You fishin'?"

"Maybe," he replied. "Meet me tonight, at the Holland Ballroom?"

I smiled,"Maybe." Then left.

*************

"Do I look okay?" I asked into the mirror.

"You look fine," a voice replied from behind me.

I turned to look at her, my roommate, Dixie McCall.

I moved in with her, because I thought that she was everything I ever wanted, but she knew I needed more.

"Don't worry, he'll love you just the way you are," She smiled and gently kissed me.

I smiled. "I hope you're right."

So, I walked into the place.

It was beautiful. Flowers on the tables, lights on the domed ceiling, soft music in the background. and Johnny.

I sat at the table, acrossed from him, he took my hand.

"You made it." He smiled.

"Yeah, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," I replied.

He laughed softly, "You're beautiful." He looked at me, deeply into my eyes.

We danced and had a wonderful dinner and he walked me home, to the apartment.

"Well, I had a wonderful time," he smiled.

"So did I," I replied.

He took me into his arms,"When can I see you again?"

"Tomorrow night?" I asked.

He nodded,"Okay, I'll pick you up at 7 sharp."

I opened the door to go in. "Okay, I'll be here."

He smiled and left me.

I didn't want to tell him of my past, I hoped that I would never have to.

**********

Well, life seemed very good. I had a man, a wonderful man in John Gage. Also I had a good job. Everything was great. For a while.

A few days later, after the second date, I went on a call, what was an ordinary call. So I thought.

A simple ropes rescue.

Johnny made the sling and I got elected to go up, because I'm the lightest, and get the man. I didn't know at the time, but the structure, the old water tower was unstable.

So, up I went, Johnny and Roy stayed on the ground.

"Okay, send up the rope, for the Stokes," I called, sending down a rope to tie to it.

I heard a creak, looking down, but not noticing what was happening.

I managed to get the man into the Stokes and tie it off, then get the thing onto the rope to send it down.

The Stokes no more got to the ground and the tower began to creak again, and then it shifted, one of the legs giving way.

I didn't see what happened. I didn't know what was going on, all I know is that's when I lost my balance.

I had untied my rope, and undone my harness, so that I could move and get the man into the stretcher.

I fell. Forward. It seemed like I fell forever. I don't know how far I fell, Johnny said that I fell at least a hundred feet.

I was awake when I landed. I remember looking up and seeing Roy saying something, I couldn't hear him, I tried to speak, but my throat was clogged.

All that came out was a sickening gurgle. Almost a death rattle. Johnny turned me onto my side, so that I could let the stuff that was in my throat drain from it, out of my mouth.

I lifted my hand to my mouth, I looked at it, it was coated in blood.

"Jax, stay with me, please," I heard him say, as they put me onto a back board and load me into the ambulance.

I looked at Johnny. "I love you." I croaked.

My lungs filled with blood. With whatever was leaking into them, from the punctures, I knew that my ribs had been broken.

Suddenly I blacked out.

I have no idea how much time had passed.

I woke.

The room was dark, and someone was sitting in a chair by the window.

"Johnny?" I asked.

Whoever was in the chair stood, and moved to my bedside.

He, I thought that it was a man, anyway, took my hand. He gently rubbed it. "Shh," he said softly. "You need to rest."

v He snapped on the light. It wasn't Johnny, it was Roy.

I looked at him. "Does Joanne know where you are?"

"Yes," he said softly.

"Where's Johnny?" I asked softly.

"He had to go home, he'll be back shortly, he asked me to stay until he gets back," he smiled, squeezing my hand. "Doctor Brackett said that you'd be okay, in a month or so."

I looked up at him,"But I'll never be able to go back to the department, will I?"

"Shh, just go back to sleep," he said softly. "You'll be back sooner than you think. I know you will."

I turned away from him and slept, peacefully.

I got out of the hospital, in a wheelchair, a fucking wheelchair.

I had a long road back, if I was going to try to come back. If I could come back. Between the therapy and the learning how to live in the chair, I thought that I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

*************

"Jax," He smiled, as he came into my apartment.

"Yeah," I said softly, turning myself in the chair.

He smiled and looked at me, not noticing that I couldn't walk.

"Here, I got these for you," he handed me a bouquet of roses.

I looked at them.

"John, don't feel sorry for me," I said. "Don't keep this up just because I'm never gonna walk again."

He looked at me. "I ain't feeling sorry for you. I don't think I could. What happened was a mistake and could have happened to any one of us. Don't be like this."

"Get out, Gage, I brought this on myself, I undid the harness and the rope, I broke the rules," I said, turning to face the window. "I don't need you feeling sorry for me. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me. I threw Dixie out too. I don't need pity. I don't need anyone." I laid the roses on the table, as he left, without saying anything. Something fell out of them.

I bent and picked it up off the floor. It was a diamond ring.

So, there I was. Alone again. A divorced paraplegic ex-firefighter who had no idea that someone loved her as much as he did.

My ex-husband, may he rest in pieces, never felt that much for me. He never cared as much as Johnny did.

I recieved a letter a few days later, from Johnny.

"Jackie,
I know that you've found the ring by now.
I just need you to realize that I love you. I always will. If you don't want me, that's fine. I can deal with that, but don't make your reason the chair. Please don't.
I don't care if you have to spend the rest of your life in an iron lung, just know that I love you.
Love Always,
John Gage."

I started to cry, then a knock came on the door.

"Hi," Roy smiled.

"Hi yourself," I said softly, letting him in.

"Listen, I know all about you and Johnny, I'm happy for you," he smiled. "You found the one man who could love you more than I could. Who could love you better."

I stared at him. "I told him to go away."

Roy took my hand. "I know, he told me yesterday, when he came on shift."

"And?" I asked.

"And he wanted me to talk to you." He took my hand. "He doesn't know about you, or your past. All he knows is that we knew each other before. That's all. You don't have to tell him, ever."

"Yeah?" I said. "But he's gonna find out that you were the reason that I got a divorce, when and if we ever get married. I have to show the papers to the judge, your name is on them."

He looked at me. "I know," he said softly. "But he doesn't know, don't let him see them. That's all."

I stared. "Yeah? Easy as that, huh? Well, it sure as hell isn't. He's gonna find out, one way or another. I know he will. He's smarter than you give him credit for. I know he is. When he finds out, he's gonna kill you and me both."

Roy turned and left, "I know. I know."

I was gonna be responsible for more than I wanted to be.

Not just for breaking up a marriage, if Joanne were to find out, but to be responsible for breaking up a friendship.

After Roy left, I rolled into the bathroom and reached for the pain pills in the cabinet. I knew exactly what I was doing, exactly what I was gonna do with them.

I went to the kitchen, and got a glass of juice from the fridge.

I poured ten or fifteen of them in my hand, knowing full well that I wasn't going to live if this stuff, if the percodan, if all of it got into my system.

Something forced me to stop. I don't know what, but something forced me not to take them, not now. I couldn't take them now.

I set them on the counter and stared at them.

I heard the door open and someone enter my apartment.

"Hi, lover," Johnny smiled, then hesitated and looked at the pills on the counter. "What were you doing?"

I looked him in the eye, "I was gonna end it. Get this over with, but I couldn't." I began to cry, big tough fireman crying.

He picked me up from the chair, "I know, lover, I know."

John carried me to the bedroom, laid me on the bed, gently, taking my clothes from my battered and broken body.

His gently hands traced the scars, the wounds on my body, his tender mouth followed them.

I tried to push him away.

"No, let me," he said softly. "Let me love you. I know about you and Roy. I love you and he said that you loved me as well. Let me, please?" I looked into his deep brown eyes and nodded slowly. Letting him do as he would.

He licked and sucked my breasts, my scarred and broken body, I could feel my pussy, the one thing below the waist that I could still use.

He gently found it, with his mouth, kissing it, licking it, sucking my clit gently. By now, he had removed his clothes, I could see him, his hardened sex, his tanned, beautiful body, longing to be one with mine.

He parted my legs, carefully pushing his cock into me, I winced, being out of practice, it hurt a little, he smiled,"shh, darlin'."

I looked into his eyes, seeing his heart, his soul. "I love you."

"I love you too," he smiled, moving gently inside me, carefully, loving me.

My back arched and my insides contracted and he called my name and followed me over that edge into the depths of an orgasm. A rich, deep orgasm.

One that I never wanted to end.

He held me close, tight.

Neither of us having anything more to say. Knowing that one act had said it all.

"Marry me?" He smiled.

I looked into his eyes. "Yes, I will, on one condition."

"What?" He said soflty.

"Make me pregnant," I said softly. "Give me a baby?"

He looked at me, and whispered, "Yes, lover, I will do my best, I promise."

We laid there, holding each other, for the longest time.

Now, I didn't know what to do, I wanted him, so much. All I wanted was him, all I needed was John Gage.

I knew it. I could feel it deep inside of me.

But I knew that one thing wasn't going to let me have what I really wanted.

**************

I sat, staring out of the window.

I never got out of the house, except for the trips to physical therapy. Or to the doctor. I hated it.

I spent hours, learning to care for myself. Feeling sorry for myself. I knew that Johnny did too. He had pity on me, I knew it. I could feel it. I lay in bed one night, with John, unable to sleep, the feeling that I had was too great. It was too hard to overcome.

Tossing and turning.

"What's the matter, Jax?" He asked from the darkness.

"Nothin, absolutely nothin,"I said softly. "Why?"

He took me into his arms,"Listen, I know that there's something up with you. Spill it. Please?"

I looked at him and he knew.

"I know you'll beat this, you will, I know it,"he said softly. "I'll be here to help you."

A few days later, I wheeled into the station, to pick up my things, and to turn in my resignation from the department.

"Hey, where have you been?" Captain Stanley smiled as I rolled into his office.

I smiled," I've been busy."

"So I've heard," he smiled. "Congratulations on the engagement."

"Thanks," I smiled, handing the letter that I had been carrying in my hand.

"What's this?" He asked.

"My resignation," I replied.

He stared, questioningly, "Why are you resigning, I know you're gonna be coming in here on two feet very soon."

I looked up at him, "Listen, I already know that I am never gonna walk again, Johnny knows that, you all should get it into your heads, my career and my life as I once knew it, is over. So, please, just take the letter and turn it in. I've got to go, Johnny's waiting for me, I have a doctor's appointment. See you around."

I turned and left, heading for the door, I ran into Chet on the way out. He was the first person in the station to meet me, so it was fitting that he was the last person to see me go.

"Hey, where're you goin?" He smiled.

"Johnny's waiting, I've got an appointment," I smiled, weakly.

"Oh, thought you were gonna be coming back soon," he looked down at the floor. "We miss you around here. You're sorely missed you know. Even Stoker misses you. He never misses anyone."

He paused, hesittantly, "Are you coming back?"

I looked up at him,"No, I'm not."

He looked at me,"We'll miss you around here."

I turned, unable to speak, unable to do anything but get the hell out of there.

****************

I sat in the doctor's office waiting room, knowing what the answer to both of my questions was going to be.

"Miss Ross, the doctor will see you now," the nurse smiled and led me to his office.

He smiled, as I came into the room. "Jackie, how have you been doing?"

"Fine Doctor Early," I replied. "Just, swell."

He looked at me," I know you aren't, Johnny told me. I know about the pills. And the baby."

I looked up at him, did John go and tell everyone? Boy, he couldn't keep anything secret, could he.

"I know Doctor Ames told me that you're pregnant," he smiled. "I'm happy for you. That's why I called you. I wanted to talk to you about it. You know that it's going to be dangerous, for you and the baby. You also know that you are gonna have to take it easy, no more pushing yourself in therapy. It's going to be ten times harder for you, because there are muscles because of the paralysis, that do not work. And during labor and delivery, you won't have use of them. So, you're going to have to make sure that you take especially good care of yourself. Dr. Ames specializes in high risk pregnancies."

I looked at him, that was a polite way of saying that I wasn't gonna walk. That I may just as well not do therapy to go and walk again, that I may as well just quit and stay in the chair, also that I am not very smart for having this baby.

"I know that you already know that there is little chance of you walking again," he said softly, putting his hand on my shoulder.

I looked up at him, "I know. Dr. Brackett told me when I left the hospital, only a 10 percent chance."

He looked at me, "I'm sorry. I know a good therapist who could help you deal with it."

"No, it's okay, you aren't telling me anything that I don't already know," I touched my stomach. "I know, I have to do it for this one, not for anyone but this one. I will be okay."

He smiled and placed his arm around my shoulders, "I know. Johnny loves you, you'll make it. I'm sure you will."

I turned to leave, to head out to the waiting room and John. Life was going to be hard, harder than I ever dreamed.

**************

My life actually was pretty okay. After all, I had the two greatest things in the whole world a child and John Gage. My only problem? Well, I was stuck in this wheelchair.

John would go to work, he didn't like leaving me at home, for a whole 24 hour shift. I would do everything that I could do, like the dishes if I could reach them, the mopping in the kitchen, you know, housework. Anything that I could do, I would.

I still felt a little bit worthless. I began to feel really useless again.

John would come home the next day, finding me on the couch, asleep and exausted, from a night of working, of trying to clean the house just to have something to do.

I felt like I was up against a wall.

Like I was neglected. Like I was someone that no one wanted anymore because I couldn't walk.

"Hey, Jax," Johnny smiled.

I turned my head. "Morning."

He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom. "Think you'll be a little more comfortable in here, than on the couch," he smiled, pulling back the coverlets of the bed and after undressing me, laying me underneath them.

"How was your day?" I asked, trying to smile.

"Fine, except for Roy, he messed up his ankle pretty bad," He said softly.

"Oh?" I replied.

"Yeah, he said that he would check on you, tomorrow night, while I'm gone," he said softly, beginning to make love to me, moving very slow, and making it easy on me. He looked down, at my tummy. "Gonna be a big boy in there soon."

He smiled, rubbing it gently.

I just looked at him and smiled. "Mommy wants Daddy to do somethin' for her."

He looked at me. "What?"

"This," I smiled and kissed him, gently.

His hand slipped between my legs, I felt his fingers find my clit, rubbing it gently. "Are you sure that it's okay that we do this, with you bein' pregnant and all?"

I looked at him, "Well, Mr. Medical Man, aren't you supposed to know that?"

He smiled. "Well, I've never had a pregnant wife before."

I looked deeply into his eyes,"I'm fine so far, we can do this, without worry. The baby's fine, I'm fine."

He looked at me and gently knelt between my legs, pulling my hips to his, knowing if he laid upon me, that I wouldn't be comfortable, because of the baby, because at five months, any pressure on your stomach feels uncomfortable.

He held my hips in his hands and pushed into my body, deep. All of him, his cock, hot and hard, yearning for sweet release.

Silently, we both moved, he leaned down, covering my body with kisses. Moving from nipple to nipple, breast to breast. Then moving to my stomach, his cock buried in me, in my body.

He suddenly cried out, wordlessly,as I felt his body clench and his balls contract, making me reach that pinnacle too, as he held me tightly to him, after he pulled me up to a sitting position, straddling him.

"Oh, God," I said softly, holding him, still in that position, letting his body support me.

"I know, darlin'," he smiled. "Just gets better. Mrs. Gage."

I looked at him, remembering the ceremony, short, sweet, him and me, at the courthouse, in the judge's chambers, with no one but Roy and Joanne looking on.

How he pledged to love, honor, cherish and obey me all the days of his life, and how I did the same to him. In front of witnesses, God and a judge. Making what we did legal.

Unlike the times with Roy.

My past was something that would haunt me forever.

Johnny went to work, as he usually did. I had forgotten that Roy was going to come over and check on me.

I was washing the dishes in the kitchen and he knocked on the door.

"Hi, Jackie," he smiled, limping noticably, bearing a bouquet of flowers. "Joanne is out of town, I thought that I would come over and keep an eye on you."

I smiled, rolling to the door,"Yeah, I know." I let him inside.

He put them in water and helped me finish the dishes.

"Stay for supper?" I asked.

"Sure," he smiled. "I'll cook."

He went through the refridgerator and found some things, out of which he made a great meal.

After dinner, we sat in the living room, talking, but the talk turned into much, much more than that.

He smiled, finishing his beer, "You're prettier now than you were then."

I looked at him. "Oh?"

"Yes, much," he smiled. "I don't know if it's being married, being happy or being, you know, pregnant."

I smiled at him, knowing what he was hoping for.

He picked me up, out of the chair, carrying me to the bedroom.

I don't understand why I let it happen.

He gently took my clothes from me, baring my body to his eyes, breathing speeding up as he saw what he had before.

But for the first time in a long time.

He moved slowly, carefully, knowing how to make love with a pregnant woman, laying me on my side, and laying behind me, his hands finding my breasts, finding my clit.

Gently he parted my legs, moving slowly, he found my vagina, and pushed his cock inside me, deep and hard. But carefully stimulating me, with his fingers, so that he would have enough moisture not to hurt me.

I thought that because of the paralysis, this was impossible. I began to move my hips, with his, at the same time, moving together, giving him pleasure as well.

I felt his body contract as I came, hard, clenching around his member. I felt him follow me, his wet warmth, filling me. Making me come again and again.

Roy had one thing that John didn't. He knew me, knew what it took to make me fall to his feet, to do anything that he wanted me to do.

He then rose from the bed. "I've got to be getting home, the kids are gonna wonder what happened to me. Even though they have a babysitter."

I looked at him, moving slowly, trying to get dressed.

Suddenly, I felt something wasn't quite right, I felt a little woosy and a sharp pain in my stomach, low and hard, I put my fingers between my legs, blood, not just a little of it, but a lot.

I made a noise, a surprised one and he turned, seeing what I saw.

"Oh my God," he quickly dressed me and put me into his car and rushed me to the hospital.

*************

He got a gurney and two orderlies to come out and take me into Rampart, of all places he had to take me.

I was wheeled into a treatment room, and a friendly face greeted me.

"What's the matter?" Dixie said softly.

"My baby," I said softly.

She looked between my legs, seeing the blood and called for Dr. Brackett.

He came into the room and examined me, then called Dr. Ames.

Johnny came running into the room.

I looked up, knowing what I had done, that I was being punished for what I had done with Roy. For the stupid mistake I had made.

"Jackie," he said, taking my hand.

"The baby," I said soflty, another pain coming, deeply inside me.

He looked at Dr. Brackett. "Save them, both of them?"

He came to me, with a grave look upon his face, seeing that there was semen in the blood that was coming from me.

He took John, quickly and quietly aside, telling him what he had seen.

I saw John become angry and take off for the waiting room. He was going to do something rash. He knew what had happened between us.

I couldn't do anything to stop him, not one thing. I was given a tranquilizer and taken to a room, there was nothing that they could do for me, except admit me.

*****************

Later, when I woke, John and Roy were both there, with cuts and black eyes on their faces. Apparently they had settled their differences the good old fashioned way, by fighting them out.

John held my hand. "It's gonna be okay."

"How's the baby?" I asked, still groggy.

"Both of you are gonna be fine,"he said softly.

I knew that they were never gonna be the same after what had just happened.

After Roy and me.

I fell back to sleep, quickly.

*******************

A few days later, Dr. Ames released me from the hospital. I was not supposed to do anything but lay in bed until the baby was born. Not one damn thing.

I felt completely useless. I couldn't even make love with my husband, who didn't want me. He began taking overtime, in other stations, so that he wouldn't have to come home, to see me. I understood. Because of the stupid thing that happened.

Dixie began to come over, when she could to take care of me, to bathe me and feed me, the things that I couldn't do. I was absolutely forbidden to move.

For anything.

I stayed like that for what seemed like months, one day leading into the next, leading into the next.

Until, one day, I woke, finding that my water had broken.

I called for Dixie, I knew that she was there for me. She called the paramedics, who I hoped would be anyone but Johnny.

**************

"Hi, what's the trouble?" he smiled. I knew that voice, as he talked to John.

Apparently he and Roy were able to work together.

The two of them rushed into the room.

They assessed the situation, and knew that there wasn't enough time to get me to the hospital.

Johnny smiled. "I always did wanna have my first baby in this house."

I looked at him and tried to concentrate on my breathing.

He laid me on the floor on a blanket and kissed my forehead.

"I'm sorry, darlin'. I didn't realize," he said soflty.

"No," I said softly. "I did it. I made the mistake."

He smiled and said, "It's okay. Roy admitted the whole thing. We'll talk about it later, okay? First we've got a baby to deliver."

I looked at him, as he took his place between my knees, Dixie smiled at him,"You get on that end, with your wife. I'll catch."

Roy knelt beside her, helping her.

John sat, supporting my back on his knees. "Do as they tell you, darlin'."

I nodded.

"Push," Dixie said.

I tried, I couldn't. Nothing happened.

John knew, he knew that I couldn't do it alone. "Forecepts?" He asked.

She shook her head,"We've got to get her to the hospital."

I passed out, blood loss and pain.

I didn't wake up until it was all over.

Again, in a hospital bed, with John holding my hand.

He smiled down at me. "You're both fine. A baby girl, a beautiful, perfect baby girl."

I smiled, and reached up to pull his head down, so that I could kiss him.

****************

"What do we call her?" He smiled, holding her small form in his arms.

"I don't know," I said softly, moving aside on the bed to give him a place to sit down. "What do you think?"

"Well, I don't know either, how about Margaret Jaqueline?" He said softly, handing her to me as she began to cry, she was hungry.

I smiled. "If that's what you think we should call her?"

He smiled back, putting an arm around me as I bared my breast to feed her, "I think it's nice. Margaret Jaqueline Gage."

"Johhny, what am I gonna do with you?" I laughed.

"I have a few ideas," he leaned in close and kissed me gently.

I was just about to whisper something utterly filthy into his ear when the door opened and a teddy bear peeked it's head in. "How's Baby Gage?"

"Fine Chet," I smiled as the person holding the bear came inside. "Would you like to see her?"

Johnny threw a cloth over me, to hide the nudity and waved him over.

"She looks just like you John," he laughed. "Which is a crying shame."

He stared at him, but didn't say anything, he just laughed.

Chet set a teddy bear next to me and pulled Johhny aside.

Neither of them thought I could hear what they were saying.

"Roy's thinkin' about transferring to one of those brushfire bush stations," he said softly.

Johhny's eyes widened in surprise and shock, "When did he say that?"

"Yesterday, it's over Jackie I'd guess," he said softly. "He wouldn't tell me what happened."

"I'd better talk to him," he moved away from Chet. "Where is he?"

"Outside, he was kinda scared to come in for some reason," Chet followed him.

I don't know what happened, but Johnny came back, kissed me and said he'd be back later. I don't know where he went, but I know why.

About a week or so later, I was able to go home. I had just about resigned myself to life in the chair, having learned pretty well to take care of myself, John and the baby.

The phone rang just as I came in from shopping, Dixie was great, she'd set up shopping trips for the two of us, mainly because I couldn't drive like this. She said she had to go too, but I kinda doubted that, she usually did her shopping on the weekends, not at noon on thursdays. I rushed over, picked it up, "hello?"

"Mrs. Gage?"

"Yes?" I replied.

"My name is Dr. Douglas, Dr. Brackett referred you to me, he said that you might be interested in something that I'm working on," he smiled, I could hear him looking at papers, flipping through them.

"What do you mean?" I replied.

"Well, I've been working on something over the past few months," he sighed.

"How would you like to walk again?"

I almost dropped the phone, "What?"

"You are a possible candidate for a new surgical technique that I've been working on, Dr. Early relesed your records to me so that I could review them, I think there's a good chance that this might work. I'd like to examine you this week sometime, if you don't mind," he smiled.

I stuttered, "s s ssure. When would be a good time?"

"Friday morning, aroudn nine?" He asked.

"Sure, I'll make arangements to be there, Rampart, right?"

"Yes, I'll be looking forward to it," he said.

I hung up the phone, stunned. There was a chance. . .

I didn't say anything to Johnny. I wanted to, but I was scared to get his hopes up. I didn't want to disappoint him again. Things were beginning to get back to normal. Except for Roy trying to transfer out of 51. Johnny didn't say anything about that, but I knew it bothered me. I had to do something, maybe if I could get back on my feet, I could help, somehow.

Johnny took the day off to take me to the appointment, I didn't tell him a thing, I just told him that I hadn't had my period and that I thought it was because of the breast feeding, but I wanted to make sure. He had no idea that Dr. Douglas was a neurosurgeon.

The appointment went fine. The doctor said that I'd probably be recieving a phone call about what to do next soon.

I did my best to keep my excitement from John, I wanted to tell him so much. But I didn't want to put false hopes and dreams into his head again.

For so long, he felt that I would be back to the station. That I'd be able to walk again. But, he'd just resigned himself to me being in the damn chair for the rest of my life. And, so had I.

I recieved that call on the following Monday, that I was to have the surgery on the following Tuesday. I had to tell him something. I was going to be in the hospital for a while, two, maybe three weeks, excluding therapy.

I decided to tell him. I knew that that was the only way.

I planned a nice dinner, for just the two of us. We hadn't spent any time alone since before Maggie. So, I got Dixie to take her overnight. So we could be alone.

We finished dinner and half a bottle of very good wine that I bought that morning and John smiled, looking at me like he hadn't in a long time, with more than lust, with love.

"Johnny, I have something I have to tell you," I said softly, picking at my napkin.

"Don't say anything, I already know," he smiled. "You're pregnant again?"

"No," I laughed. "That's not it. . . I might be able to walk again."

He dropped his glass and it shattered on the dining room floor, "What?"

"There's a surgery, it's only experimental," I said softly, wheeling myself over to him. "Dr. Douglas said that I'm a good canditate for it and that there's a chance that I could walk again but. . ."

"But what?" He said, shocked.

"It's dangerous," I replied. "It could kill me."

He stared, silent for a moment.

"I can't let you do it," he said softly. "Not if there's a chance of you dyin'. I can't let you leave Maggie like that. . . Or me."

I looked him in the eyes, "Johnny, I have to. I have to stop Roy, the only way I can do that is to do it on two feet."

"You mean that your daughter and your husband don't mean anything to you?"

"Johnny, that's not the reason," I said. "I have to do this. It's a chance I have to take"

He stood up, glared at me. "fine, if that's how you feel." He stormed out the front door, slamming it behind him, I heard the door of his car slam and the engine start and the vehicle peel out of the driveway.

I went to the window and began to cry.

**************

He didn't come home. I kinda guessed he'd gone to a motel or something for a while, to think.

I stayed home and spent as much time as I could with Maggie. Dix agreed to keep her while I was in the hospital. I made arrangements for her, in the event of my death, Johnny was going to keep her, when he came back, but until then, Dixie would.

I didn't know where he was, it scared me. I missed him so much. I wanted to be with him before I went under the knife, but he didn't want anything to do with me.

Dixie drove me to the hospital, checked me in and got me settled. The surgery was going to be early in the morning, it could take almost the entire day.

I got a shot as soon as I woke up, it made me kinda drowsy, but I heard the door open. I turned my head, John was standing there, with Maggie.

I didn't say anything, I was just grateful that they were here.

He approached and sat at my bedside with our daughter. "She wanted to see her mommy."

I smiled, touched her cheek, her dark hair kinda messy, I knew that John had gotten her dressed and ready to go, because he never could button her clothes the right way.

"I'm glad you're here," I said softly, clutching his hand.

"I know," he smiled, moving and kissing me gently. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize that this was somethin you had to do."

I nodded, smiling at him just as the orderlies came in to take me down to surgery.

I looked back as they wheeled me out of the room, at my husband and daughter, knowing they were part of the reason I was doing this. I didn't want my little girl to see me in that chair for the rest of my life. But, I also had to go back to the department, not just to stop Roy, but to prove to myself that I wasn't a failure.

I woke later. I don't know how much later, but I knew that I was alive, thank God.

"Jaqueline?"

"Uh huh," I replied, peeling my eyes open.

"The surgery went well," he said softly. "We won't know if it worked for a while yet. A week, maybe two. But, there's a very good chance that it worked."

I smiled, not saying anything. Falling back to sleep.

A few days later, it was time to try it.

The doctor came into the room, he smiled. "Well, lets see if it worked, shall we?"

Johnny was out in the hall, I didn't want him in the room, just in case.

The doctor took a long, sharp metal probe from his pocket and took hold of my foot. I felt his hand, it was cold and shaking, I smiled, but I thought it was my brain playing tricks on me, till I felt him drag it against the sole of my foot.

"Ow!" I cried, laughing, bending my foot downwards.

I could feel and move.

He smiled as Johnny came in, "what's the matter? It worked?"

I nodded, smiling as he ran to my bedside, throwing his arms around me.

Sara C