Copyright: May 2003 by Robin R. Neher

THIS STORY IS WRITTEN FOR PLEASURE AND IS NOT INTENDED TO INFRINGE ON ANY PREEXISTING COPYRIGHTS THAT MAY BE VIOLATED. FEEL FREE TO SHARE WITH FRIENDS, BUT NOT FOR PROFIT. THIS STORY IS FICTIONAL, A WORK OF THE WRITER'S IMAGINATION. THE CHARACTERS AND INCIDENTS USED IN THIS STORY ARE PURELY FICTIONAL AND ARE NOT BASED ON ANY PERSON AND/OR PERSON'S ACTUAL EXPERIENCES.

Title: Moving on

Author: Robin R. Neher

E-mail: NRobin1027@aol.com

Rating: R

Pairing: N/A

Archive: Yes

Fandom: Emergency!

Summary: Johnny Gage thinks returning to work following the death of Roy DeSoto.

Content Warning: Harsh Language. Death of a main character. HANKY ALERT!!!

Moving on
By Robin R. Neher

It had been six months to the day. Johnny Gage's stomach was in knots as he woke up and turned off his buzzing alarm. As his eyes cleared, his first thought was of Roy.

I wish you were here, Pally. Johnny thought, wistfully. It's gonna be hard returning to 51's without you.

The last six months had been rough for Johnny. He'd wrestled with feelings of guilt and anger since that awful day. Johnny Gage was angry at the world.

No, Johnny, the time to move on has come. The Paramedic told himself.

Johnny forced himself out of bed and as he headed toward his bathroom to shower, there was a knock on his apartment door. He answered it and saw Captain Hank Stanley on the other side.

"Cap," Johnny greeted.

"Johnny, can I come in?" Hank asked.

"What do you want?" The Paramedic asked, coldly.

"I was called into the Chief's office yesterday. I was told you filed a complaint against me." Hank answered.

"That's right." John answered.

"We've been over this, John." Hank said. "I did what I had to then."

"And because of that, Roy died!" Johnny spat.

"Johnny, look, I've relived that fire over and over in my mind. When all is said and done, I made the right decision that day, even if you don't wanna hear it. My job isn't to please you or to keep a fireman from doing his job because he's your best friend. Roy DeSoto died trying to save a little girl."

"I know that!" Johnny cried. "I wish you would've let me try-"

"John, he was gone when that damn building's ceiling caved in!" Hank roared. "You were trying to go after a corpse!"

"You Son of a bitch!" Johnny spat. "You unfeeling, insensitive Son of a bitch!!"

"Johnny, I'd have handcuffed you to the squad if it meant not losing you too!" Cap told him. "I was not gonna lose two men that day. Maybe the reason you can't accept that is because you can't accept that despite all your fancy training and equipment, people die sometimes, be it victim or Fireman! That's the nature of our job, Gage! You knew it, Roy knew it, Joanne and the kids knew it!"

Johnny just looked at Cap, pure anger in his eyes.

"I cared about Roy too, we all did!" Hank continued. "We can't stop living because he died!"

"Captain, I think you'd better call someone in to fill in for me for awhile longer." Johnny said, brokenly.

"I agree." Cap replied. "Don't come back till you can accept that you couldn't save Roy."

"Don't worry, I won't." Johnny assured him. "I've decided to put in for a transfer."

"I think that'd be a good idea." Cap agreed, then left Johnny to his thoughts.

***

As soon as the door was shut, Johnny went a climbed back into his bed. He slept until late in the afternoon. Upon waking the second time, he dressed in a wrinkled shirt, dirty jeans and tennis shoes. Then, leaving his apartment, Johnny hopped into his white Land Rover.

As he drove, memories of Roy flooded his mind. Thirty minutes later, he found himself in the parking lot of fire station eight, the place where he'd worked prior to joining the Paramedic program.

"Johnny? Johnny Gage? Is that you?" An old friend asked.

"Tony." Johnny grinned at Tony Freeman as his partner before Roy joined him in the parking lot.

"You still on leave?" 6'2 and mustached Tony asked.

"Yeah." Johnny admitted. "I just don't have the heart to go back."

"It's been six months, John." Tony said.

"It's just too hard." Johnny told his old friend.

"Why?" Tony wanted to know. "Roy's gone. There's no bringing him back."

"I just keep wondering if I could've saved him somehow." Johnny told Tony. "If Cap had only let me go after him, I might've been able to save him."

"Johnny, Roy probably was killed the second that beam hit him. Nobody could've saved him, even you." Tony told the younger man.

"That's what Stanley said. He came by my place earlier." Johnny told his old friend.

"You still blame him, don't you?" Tony asked.

Johnny nodded.

"He did the right thing, even if you can't bring yourself to admit it." Tony offered. "I think you're still wounded by the fact that he wouldn't let you go in after Roy. It bothers you cause of your need to be the hero."

"No!" Johnny cried.

"Johnny, don't you think that those guys at 51's are asking the same questions you are?!" Tony confronted him. "They're probably wondering what the could've done differently that day too! Captain Stanley is probably the most affected by what happened that day!"

Johnny wept as Tony got in on the passenger side of the Land Rover.

"Don't you see?! Cap Stanley was the senior officer in charge of that scene! The decisions were his to make, not yours or anyone else's! Roy DeSoto died a hero and a young girl is alive because of him! Yes, he died, but we can take comfort in the fact he died so that another could live! Isn't that what Firefighting is all about?"

Johnny shook as his old friend's words sank in. After a few minutes, he spoke.

"I've got to go back sometime, but it's gonna be so damn hard without Roy there!" Johnny sobbed. "It will feel so empty without him."

"As it will for the other members of A-Shift too." Tony offered.

**

Armed with Tony's words, Johnny arrived at station fifty-one a few hours later.

"Johnny." Chet Kelly greeted. "So, you finally decided to rejoin the world of the living, Huh?"

"Kelly, I'm just here to see Cap, that's all." Johnny answered.

"When you coming back to work?" The Irishman asked as he polished a nozzle while he sat on the engine's running board.

"When I'm ready." Johnny flatly answered.

Chet just shrugged as Johnny then made his way toward the office. As he did, he met up with Paramedic Wesley Simms.

"Hi," The blonde man whom Johnny guessed to be about twenty greeted.

"You Son of a bitch!" Johnny hissed.

"Johnny, I-" The young man stammered as the older Paramedic ripped the badge off his uniform.

"This belongs to Roy!" Johnny spat, then ran toward the lockeroom.

"Cap!" Chet yelled as he and the others followed a raging Johnny.

"Johnny, that's my locker!" Simms protested as Johnny opened it and tossed it's contents to the floor.

"I assume that you have his bunk too?!" Johnny demanded.

"I-I'll move to another bunk, just don't hurt me!" The young man pleaded.

All the fight went out of Johnny when he saw the fright in the new Paramedic's eyes. Johnny sank onto the lockeroom bench and buried his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry!" He wept. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

"John," Cap called, softly. "Johnny, talk to us."

"I miss him so much, Cap!" Johnny sobbed. "It's not fair! Roy shouldn't be gone! I come here and find him wearing Roy's badge, putting his stuff in Roy's locker and sleeping in Roy's bunk! It's as if Roy never even existed!"

"Johnny, stop it!" Wesley suddenly interjected.

"Simms." Hank warned.

"Cap, enough is enough!" Wesley decided. "Gage, DeSoto has been dead and buried for six months! When are you gonna start functioning like the partner I need and deserve and start behaving like a man?!"

"Back off!" Johnny growled.

"Dammit, look at yourself, Dude!" Wes persisted. "Ever since he died, it's as if you stopped living and expect everyone else to do the same! Badge 174 is mine now as is the locker next to yours and the bunk across from you! Roy DeSoto is no more! His body is in the ground!"

"I know that!" Johnny yelled as a fresh round of tears started.

****

"Dammit, I know that!" Johnny cried.

"Johnny, did it ever occur to you that it was just Roy's time to go?" Mike Stoker, A-Shift's Engineer spoke up. "Maybe some higher power decided that Roy had fulfilled his mission here on Earth."

"Pal, Roy died and I wish I could give you some answer as to why it was him who died, but I can't. None of us can." Cap took over.

"I know that, Cap!" Johnny wept. "He was my best friend, ya know? He made me feel like I was something more than a worthless half-breed for the first time in my life! He made me feel special! He made me see what I could be!"

"If what you say is true. then why not honor him rather than be mad at him for dying?" Wes asked. "Why let anger ruin your memory of him?"

As those words sank in, Johnny realized that for such a young man, Wes was wise and just what he needed to bring him out of his grief and back into the job in loved. He opened his locker and laid out a clean uniform.

"John?" Hank asked.

"Wes is gonna need a partner, ain't he?" Johnny grinned.

"He sure is, Pal," Hank smiled.

"Besides, I don't want him stuck with Brice!" John snorted.

"Brice?" Wes asked. "You know him?"

"Unfortunately, Yes." Johnny replied buttoning his workshirt.

"He was an instructor at the academy when I was there." The twenty-year old winced. "What a bore!"

"No kidding!" Johnny agreed. "Do you prefer Wes or Wesley?"

"Wes." His new partner replied.

"Wes, we can't always go by the book out in the field." Johnny told him. "Even though Brice might disagree. We sometimes have to throw the rules away to save lives."

"I know." Wes nodded. "Johnny, Cap and the guys told me about Roy and how close you two were. I never said that you should forget him entirely."

"I know." Johnny nodded. "I also know that I have to go on with my own life too."

"You gonna be okay?" Wes asked.

"Yeah, it'll just take time." Johnny assured the youngster. "I'm not used to coming to work and him not being here."

Wes nodded.

"It's just hard to believe that Roy and I won't get to live all those plans we had." Johnny talked on. "We were gonna buy a bunch of engines, fix them up and start our own fire department."

"I saw that old engine out back. It's a beauty." Wes smiled.

"I'm gonna sell it as soon as I can find a buyer." Johnny revealed.

****

At that time, Paramedic Bob Bellingham came into the lockeroom.

"Johnny." He smiled.

"Hiya." Johnny greeted. "Bob, do you mind if I take over now?"

"I was hoping you would, Pal." The fill in medic smiled. "How you doing now?"

"Okay. It still is hard, you know." Johnny softly replied. "I can't even begin to fathom having a new partner."

"I know." Bob sympathized. "Did I hear you say you were selling the old engine?"

Johnny nodded.

"There's no sense in hanging on to it anymore." He told the Paramedic known as the Animal. "It just wouldn't be the same without Roy."

"Yeah," Bob nodded. "That was something you and he shared."

"At least I have the memories." Johnny sighed.

"Uh, Johnny, we need to get over to Rampart for supplies." Wes advised.

"Kay." Johnny nodded.

As he and Wes made their way to the squad in the apparatus bay, Johnny was secretly relieved.

"You wanna drive?" Wes asked.

"Nah, you go ahead." Johnny answered.

"John?" Hank called as he came in from the office.

Johnny turned to face him.

"Joanne DeSoto called this morning. She wanted to know when you were gonna stop by to see her." Hank said.

"Cap." Wes warned.

"Kay," Hank back off, then returned to his office.

"Thanks." Johnny smiled, weakly. "I just can't face her yet, the kids either."

"I understand." Wes replied.

"I feel so responsible for Roy dying." Johnny told him. "I let him and Jo down, their kids too. She trusted me. I should've done something, anything. I should've said, fuck you, Cap or hit him or something."

"Then he could've had you up on charges." Wes told the senior medic. "There's no way to know if the outcome would've changed if you had gotten in there. Then again, if you had, it might've been two men instead of one that died that day. Johnny, you have to forgive yourself."

"I wish it were as easy as that." Johnny replied as they got in the squad.

As Wes was about to start the motor, the tones sounded, followed by more tones.

Station 51, station 6, station 7, engine 116, engine 2, engine 86, truck 8, battalion 14, structure fire. At the factory. 17745 East Kingman Place. 17745 East Kingman Place. Cross street: Tex. Timeout: 17:45.

"Station 51, KMG-365." Hank responded. "What a way to get back in the swing of things, Huh, John?"

"Yeah." Johnny replied as Cap handed him an address slip.

Cap then went to take his place on the engine as Wes started the squad's motor. A minute later, squad fifty-one led the way from the station, code R.

***

As they rolled toward the scene, Johnny struggled to put his feelings into perspective.

Wes is your partner and your responsibility. Johnny thought. Just remember, someone loves him..

LA, station 51 at scene. We have a factory fire, fully involved! Continue other units! Hank's voice came over the squad's radio.

Station 51. LA returned as the squad came to a stop and a man in his forties came to meet them.

"Is there anybody in there?" Johnny asked.

"Everyone's out except for two of my men! They were in the bathroom on the third floor!" The foreman informed Johnny.

"Cap, there are-Wes!" Johnny cried as his partner ran toward the building. "Simms, get back here!"

"Get your gear and go after him, John. I'll have your equipment sat up!" Cap told him.

Johnny ran to the squad and donned his turnout coat and SCBA as other units arrived and Cap placed them where they were needed. Johnny, with backup from Chet and Marco, then made his way into the blazing building.

At the same time, young Wes was making his way down with a victim on each shoulder Johnny took one from his partner and they then slowly emerged from the building. John and Wes, then placed their victims on blankets. As Wes started to access his man, Johnny took off his airmask, then fixed the younger man an angry glare.

"Just what in the hell did you think you were doing?!" Johnny demanded.

"Saving two livees." Wes calmly answered as he took his patient's vitals.

"What you did was irresponsible!" Johnny roared. "You don't go into a building alone! You wait til we're all ready and Cap decides the gameplan! You could've gotten hurt or killed trying to play hero! Roy would never have done that!"

"Well, Gage, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not Roy DeSoto!" Wes exploded. "Ever since I arrived at 51's, that's all I've heard! Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy was a devoted father! Roy was a good husband! Roy was the fireman's fireman! You all make it sound as if Roy DeSoto were God! Roy DeSoto was only human, John, and if you can't come to terms with that, then maybe you should quit firefighting and go work at McDonald's or a nice, safe Safeway where you don't have to worry about anybody dying on you before you decide they can!"

Johnny just looked at Wes, then stormed back to the squad.

"John?" Hank asked.

"Leave me alone!" Johnny growled.

Hank backed off and left the Paramedic to fume.

"Simms, as soon as we get back to the station, I wanna see you in my office!" Hank spat.

"Yes, Sir." Wes replied, then got on the biophone to Rampart.

***

An hour later, The squad was back at the station. Johnny closed the apparatus bay door, then went straight out back without a word to Wes. Another hour went by before the engine too returned to 51's. As Marco and the rest went for showers, Hank took off his turnouts and went to find the Paramedics. He found Wes in the rec room, watching TV.

"Simms, where's Gage?" Cap asked.

"He's been out back for a couple hours now." Wes answered.

"Simms, Wes, do you think that we were really comparing you to Roy?" Hank asked him.

"No, Sir." Wes answered. "Look, I'm sorry I got upset back at the fire, but I'm tired of all the talk about DeSoto."

"I can see why." Hank nodded, sitting down beside the young man on the sofa. "You didn't know Roy. To hear us talk about him must not be easy, but to John, Roy was not only a partner, but a best friend, a savior. For the first time in his life, Johnny had a real friend when he met Roy. Roy was always there when Johnny needed him and vice versa. They were more like brothers than friends."

Wes nodded.

"Grief is a never ending process." Hank told the young man. "Johnny will never completely get over the loss of Roy, none of us will, but we will in time make peace with it and accept it. Johnny needs time and support, not to mention understanding. Understand?"

Wes nodded.

"He also needs all of us to be sensitive to what he's going through." Wes understood. "Cap, I can't, in good faith wear a badge that once belonged to Roy.

I'd like Johnny to keep it."

"I'll get HQ to issue you another one." Hank nodded.

"I'd also like to change my locker and bunk." Wes requested.

"I can't do that." Hank shook his head. "Johnny will get used to the idea that you are his partner now."

 That said, Cap patted the young Paramedic's shoulder, then too went to shower. Shortly after, Johnny came in from out back. As he passed through the rec room, Wes wanted to reach out to him.

"Jo-" Wes started to speak.

Johnny turned to face him and the glare that Johnny gave him made Wes shiver and lapse into silence. As Johnny retreated into the privacy of the dorm, Wes just sat, unsure of what to do.

"Wes, you were a little hard on him back at the fire." Engineer Mike Stoker remarked. "Roy dying almost broke him."

"How?" Wes wanted to know.

"Roy and Johnny were not just partners, but brothers. They were a team in every since of the word. Roy and Johnny were almost inseparable, on duty and off. They did everything together. They were each other's sanity." Mike said.

"Does that mean that I'm not supposed to have a place here?" Wes wondered. "Do I have to be the target of my partner's anger cause I was assigned DeSoto's locker and his bed? I can't help that I was issued Roy's badge number upon graduating from the academy! I'm here, DeSoto's not!"

"Johnny knows that." Mike soothed. "It's still hard for him though. It's still tough for all of us who knew him."

"Maybe I should just leave and make it easy for Gage." Wes decided.

"Wes, anyone else would've been treated the same way." Mike told him. "Trust me, Johnny will come around soon enough. You just have to earn his trust and respect like Johnny had to earn Roy's when he first came here as a Paramedic. You have to show him that you can handle the responsibility of being a Paramedic and his partner. You didn't exactly earn points with him at the fire earlier."

"I know," Wes sighed. "That was a pretty stupid stunt I pulled. My yelling at him just made things worse."

"It did." The shy man agreed as Chet came in, followed by Marco and Hank. All had bathed and put on clean uniforms. Johnny then joined them.

"Wes, I'd like to talk to you, alone." Johnny requested.

"Sure." Wes nodded. "Excuse me, Fellas."

Wes got up from the sofa and followed his partner as he led the way into the lockeroom. Once there, Johnny and Wes took seats on one of the benches.

"John?" Wes prompted.

"I've been so shitty to everyone." The dark haired man said. "I guess I forgot that I wasn't the only one affected when he died. I was especially rough on you. I know that you're not Roy and never will-"

"Johnny, I do understand." Wes offered. "We've all had that one friend that is a best friend. I know that I will never be what he was to you."

Johnny just looked at his new partner for a minute.

"Wes, I want you to keep your badge, locker and bed." Johnny said, then went to the locker that had once been Roy's and removed the strip of tape that bore the name, DESOTO from the top of the door, then replaced it with a new one that read, SIMMS.

"You sure?" Wes asked.

Johnny nodded.

"Welcome to station 51, Wesley." He grinned.

END PART 9