Title: Walk the Sacred Path  1st POV
 Rating: pg
 Summary:  A story about what happened after 
'all things.'
 Endorse:  Show and characters belong to Fox, 
CC, and 1013.  The story is mine.  Please send 
feedback, as I love any and all things you 
send.  At least I know you read it.  Please 
archive, just ask me, make sure to attach my 
name and so forth.  Want to know where it's 
going.  xtrekangel@hotmail.com  Listen to 
Powder Blue by Elbow, it really goes with the 
story and makes it better, more emotional.
 
 	The darkness woke me.  Confusion rippled 
through my mind before I remembered that I was 
in Mulder's apartment, on his couch.  I relax 
a little, allowing my head to fall back 
against the couch.  Shadows play against the 
wall.  The events of the past couple of days 
had resurfaced, manifesting as dreams that 
played out against my will. Though they ended 
not as I would expect, well as my dreams are 
my unconscious thought, maybe it was as I 
expected.  I... I need to leave, now.  I have 
to get away before he wakes up.  Maybe he'll 
forget, no, maybe he won't say anything.  If I 
stay, it might lead to a discussion and take 
us on a path were not yet ready to travel, or 
at least.....  I better go. Fixing my hair in 
the mirror in his bathroom, I realize I'm 
stalling.  Maybe he'll wake up.  Dana stop 
running away.  No, I'm not running, I'm just 
unsure.  I grab my coat off the bed, why it is 
there I know not.  I glance at him briefly; 
too much longer might prove my undoing.  Come 
on, move.  I have to will my feet to walk out 
the door.  After the door clicks shut I lean 
against it.  I regret what I cannot do.  What 
I have realized these past few days is what I 
want, and that is where my path leads in life.  
But how do I get started down that path, or am 
I already on it?  But when will I get to that 
point where I don't have to be unsure, no, 
where I don't have to run?
 
 	I don't bother to peel off my coat, or 
change my clothes, as I slump onto the couch.  
I don't turn any lights on.  I prefer the 
solitude only darkness can achieve.  But I 
need some distraction.  I fumble for the 
stereo remote, and turn it to track 8 on the 
3rd cd.  I make sure the volume is low.
 I am ready for love,
 All of the join and the pain,
 I know right now, this song might make me 
cry, but I won't let it. To think, seven years 
without a relationship, except as a friend to 
Mulder.  No love had, lost, but love longed 
for, dreamed of, and realized.  Love from a 
startlingly close proximity, to be reached 
for, but never actually grab hold of.  Do 
people really live like this?  Or this yet 
another way to torture us?  I've seen it in 
his eyes, the silent longing I know only too 
well.  I know he feels something for me, I can 
tell by his actions, and his words, his words 
most of all.  But we've both been in denial, 
or at least I have, making excuses to not 
reveal the one secret that we both have kept 
hidden from each other so long, never to 
reveal.  But I think we both know now, for 
awhile.  But, always a but, but I don't think 
its right, not yet.  Maybe soon, hopefully 
soon.  One day I wont have to hide anymore. 
 
 
 	I woke up, the memory of our conversation 
still fresh, and the possibilities that had 
been realized renewed once more.  Laying here 
as still as possible, I listen for movement, 
for some sign of life other than my own.  I 
can't hear a thing, nothing.  Did I expect she 
would stay?  I swung my legs over the side of 
the bed and rubbed my eyes.  One way to find 
out.  I get up and walk out to the living 
room.  The blanket is folded neatly.  I smile 
at this, it's so like her.  What did I expect 
from her?  If she had stayed what would have 
happened?  I'm not guaranteed that anything 
would have happened, even though that's what I 
was dreaming of.  I can't do anything now.  
All I can do is hope........  I walk back to 
my bed and sprawl across the ruffled sheets.  
I want the one thing she can't give me, her 
heart.  Where does that leave me? 
 
 
 	I've realized that I want something more, 
I want more meaning, more love, more life.  I 
want more than what I have, and it is possible 
to have, somehow.  I've realized that I want 
to have a baby.  Now, although that may seem 
selfish.  I want a tiny life to care for, and 
hold close.  That thing which I thought I 
could never have might be possible.  I know 
who I want the father to be.  But that's not 
really a possibility.  But maybe, somehow, 
even if we can't be together.
 
 
 	I shivered as I stepped through the door 
to our basement office.  It seemed colder than 
usual.  Maybe I'm just afraid of what he'll 
say, or wont say.  How do I ask him something 
like this?  I look at the poster on the wall, 
and I want to believe, not the belief in 
aliens, the belief that one day you can find 
the one person you love and spend the rest of 
your life loving them, being with them, 
holding them.  But that's what we have, isn't 
it?  There's only one thing that has remained 
unexplored, a mystery to us.  The one thing 
that would put us all the way over the line.  
I pace back and forth a few times before I 
finally sit.  It's time to start my quest in 
life.  Can I really do this?  No, not here, 
not now.  I have to wait.  I get up from the 
chair, and at that moment he enters.  I stop 
in my tracks and smile at him, it is genuine 
but unsure.  He is saying something but I 
can't hear, I only see the eyes, his eyes 
which are deep.  "I need to talk to you 
later."  That's all I say, then I walk off.  I 
know I've left him confused, but later he'll 
understand.  I hope he does.  With all my 
years in the FBI, this I am not prepared for, 
this is the hardest thing I've had to do.  I 
just hope I can do it.
 
 
 	I sigh inwardly.  I have him sit down and 
I make my proposition.  He seems surprised, 
but only by the fact that I am asking him.  He 
says he doesn't want this to come between us.  
I know it can only make us closer.  I explain 
the procedure, the probability of success, and 
he seems open to the idea.  This amazes me.  I 
wouldn't have expected him to be so willing, 
but maybe he wants this as much as I do.  What 
will everyone at the bureau say?  Screw them, 
this is about me.  I love him, and I wish I 
can say that, I wish I can tell him how much 
he means to me as he has done so many times.  
But why can't I say it?  What am I afraid of?  
Maybe that he'll love me back, maybe that I'll 
lose him, maybe a lot of things.  I touch the 
side of his face and thank him.  Now the trial 
begins.  I hope this works, it needs to work.
 
 	Why am I doomed to feel pain, sadness, and 
loss in such great quantities?  Why wont it 
work?  Stepping through the door, I see him 
sitting on the couch.  I try to stop the 
tears, I wont let them come.  I tell him the 
news.  It didn't work.  I wanted so badly for 
it to work that I didn't prepare myself for 
defeat.  He tries his best to console me, 
finally the tears come in great gushes.  Rain 
begins to tap against my windows.  The 
darkness of the apartment helps to sooth my 
pain.  I know he feels the pain too.  I could 
never give him what any man should deserve, a 
child.  Maybe that's one reason why I hold 
back from him.  He holds me here, and I feel 
his love seeping through.  He doesn't want me 
to give up, but I tell him I have no choice.  
Am I incomplete because of this?  He wants to 
make the pain go away I can see it in his 
eyes.  All these years, have I been in denial?  
I want him to be with me.  Not as a friend 
this time, but as a lover.  I need his love, 
because his love fills a void that's been 
created.  I'm lonely without him.  I've been 
lonely for far too long, and so has he.  I 
look into his deep eyes.  There is a glint of 
a tear at the corners.  I have to tell him 
now, if I don't it might be too late.  He 
wants to get me a drink.  I stop him.  I look 
down at my feet.  I have to tell him.  He 
wants to know.  Finally I look up at him.  I 
take his face in my hands, and lick my rapidly 
drying lips.  I have to take a deep breath.  
'I love you.'  I whisper as if I say it any 
louder, everything would disappear.   He 
closes his eyes a moment, then smiles as he 
looks down at me.  'I love you too.'  He 
whispers.  And we just stand there, for what 
seems like an eternity, we just stand there, 
drowning in each others eyes.  Relief has 
filled my body, and I want nothing more than 
to be with him.  I pull his head down to meet 
my lips, and we kiss.  A real kiss of passion 
and longing, and grief swills itself within 
the emotions being poured out.  I can feel an 
odd energy, a tingling surge through my body.  
I have butterflies in my stomach.  I feel as 
if this energy will burst out through my 
heart.  It makes me dizzy.  And still I want 
more.  He wants us to stop.  Doesn't want me 
to do something I'll regret.  How can I regret 
this?  He gives in to my persistent kisses.  
And this night, in a blissful dream become 
reality, in ecstasy, this night we became 
lovers.  This night I became whole again.   
 
 
 	Laying here in this hospital bed, I am 
bombarded with a mixture of emotions.  A 
miracle has happened, and my friend and lover 
has been taken from me.  What am I supposed to 
feel?  Happy, or sad?  No beyond those 
feelings altogether.  I can only cry first.  
Tears of joy, then inevitable tears of 
sadness.  If only I could have known, if only 
I could have told him.  The signs were all 
there, why didn't I see them?  Too late now, 
always too late.  Skinner knows without asking 
who the father is.  Now I can only feel numb.  
You feel lost too long, and you begin to go 
numb.  I'm not sure I can be as happy as I 
once was.  For that short time, so very short.  
I just want him back.  Just to hear his voice 
again.  I love him more than life itself.  We 
may not be soul mates, I think we are beyond 
that if there is such a thing.  I close my 
eyes and all I can see is his face, his 
smiling, tired eyes.  I can feel his lips 
brushing against mine.  But now I have a life 
growing inside of me.  I can only hope that he 
comes back soon, before our child is born.  I 
cannot grieve for we will find him.  He will 
be found, I have to find him, no matter what 
has to be done, I will find him.  And together 
we will walk the path life has chosen for us, 
together we will live.