Disclaimer: Nope, these characters aren't mine.

Category: VRA
Classification: MSR
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Per Manum and beyond.
Archive: Gossamer. Spookys. Further X. 
Summary: Mulder examines what he has lost, but can gain back.
Thanks to: Susan and Sara Lynn for their comments and perspectives.


"Strength of the Soul" (1/1)
by Lisa
haven599@msn.com

"It's been a long road 
Getting from there to here,
It's been a long time.
But my time is finally near,
And I will see my dream 
Come alive at last
I will touch the sky,
And they're not gonna hold
me down no more.
No they're not gonna change my mind."
                                      --Diane Warren



   Maybe Scully would be better off without me.  I've asked myself
that question many times during the past few months.  What if she
had never walked into my office that morning?  What if she had taken
another path? I can "what if" myself to death and it still won't 
change the fact that we are apart yet again.

   I can't believe I left her. Haven't I done enough of that before?
But what makes it even worse now is that it's not just the two of
us.  There's someone else. Someone innocent. Our son. 

   I've screwed up enough of her life already.  Now I'm starting 
on the next generation.  It's a good thing he's too young to 
understand.  But Scully's not and she shouldn't have to go through
this again. She really has no reason to speak to me ever again, 
especially after what I've done by leaving her only two days after
giving birth to our child.

   I admit I had difficulty accepting that she was carrying my 
child.  When the fertility treatment failed, I wasn't surprised.
I guess I didn't realize how much she wanted a child until she 
said it was her last chance.  More than anything I wanted to give
her a baby.  I almost stayed with her that night, but didn't trust
myself.  It was almost a year later when we made love and I'm 
glad we waited.  

   Then I came back to her months later, only to discover she was
pregnant.  I didn't want to deal with it.  I was just beginning 
to realize what had happened to me, let alone deal with the big 
changes in everyone's life when I returned.  

   This separation's only temporary.  We've known each other for
eight years now, but this is the first time the separation has been
our decision.  I really had no choice.  I have to protect Scully
and William.  

   I can still remember the way she looked the day I left, standing
in the middle of the living room, holding our son.  The unshed tears
in her eyes. The uncertainty in her face.  Of course, she wouldn't
let on how scared she was about my leaving.   

   At least we can communicate through email.  That is, when I get
a chance to find a computer that is safe.  She doesn't say much 
about William to me in her messages. Perhaps she feels that would
make me miss him even more or maybe he's too young to be achieving
any milestones yet.

   I never really thought of myself as being a father.  I believed 
that children and family life was for other, more normal people. 
My job isn't the type that a wife and a child fit into well, so I 
ruled that out as being a part of my life.  When Scully asked
me to be the father to her child did I reevaluate what I could 
be a part of.  What we could have together.     

   I miss her so much.  This is much worse than the time she was 
taken from me, much worse than her cancer and its treatments. I'm
not sure how much more I can take of this separation.   

   My life is an endless series of motel rooms. Sometimes I can stay
at one place for a week, but as soon as I get to know the area, I get
worried that I've been here too long.  I see someone giving me a
second glance and immediately I get nervous and pick up stakes.  
What if they are the one sent to get me?  All it would take is
one well-placed phone call and I could be dead.  

   If I knew how long this was to last then it might be a bit easier
to take.  It's not like I can cross off days on a calendar until I 
can be back with them again.  William might grow up without a 
father.  Scully will be without a partner.  

   I imagine her sitting in front of her computer each day hoping 
for another message from me.  It's too risky to tell her what I'm
doing or where I am, so I've begun to share my thoughts and feelings
about us.  I find it much easier to write my emotions down than
to tell her face-to-face.    

   Her messages are also getting more personal and she is sharing
more of her fears with me.  They are mostly fears for my safety 
and hopeful return.  I know she is scared for William and our 
future -- if we have one.  

   I have to hold on a little longer. I'll find the strength to do so
until I can get back to them for good. Be a real father to William.
Show Scully know how much I've missed her. We can be a real family
for the very first time.   

****
END (1/1)

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