TITLE: Shadows: Destinies
AUTHOR: Spooky's Girl  
DISCLAIMER: They're not mine, they belong to the XF god CC, and it's probably a 
good thing they do cause believe it or not, he treats them much nicer than I 
usually do.   
RATING: PG-13  
CATEGORY: UST, hint of MSR, angst  
SUMMARY:  When trust is never enough 
SPOILERS: Parts of FTF and Season 6 
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the sixth vignette in a series of nine.  Basically 
simple summary, one vignette per season, a reflection of sorts of Mulder's 
impact on Scully's life.  A complete list of titles in the series can be found 
at the end of the vignette. 
THANKS: To Nancy for the beta, and to Ashley for allowing me to continue with 
the idea even though she had the same one in mind and to Sarah for being my 
bouncing board for this one and listening to my constant bitching and moaning, 
oh and to my trash can for willingly eating the previous versions of this one 
vignette that just didn't live up to the standard that this one did. 
FEEDBACK: As always, I love feedback…that and chocolate are the necessary 
ingredients to life, and yes, I do respond back to it 
denisegilliland@hotmail.com 

~*~*~*~

For the first time in six years I feel that I have accomplished something.  
We're closer than we have ever been; I saw the evidence, the physical proof that 
it took for me to believe.  Of course Scully was passed out on the ice and snow 
so she couldn't share the same excitement that was running through me, but like 
I said, it was enough to make me believe.  

She, on the other hand, became a hard-boiled skeptic and it was killing me that 
she refused to believe despite the fact that she was a part of everything.  
Maybe that's what my problem is, I've given up faith in Scully's science and 
came to depend on somebody who's more of a free thinker, on somebody who is 
taking care of the X-Files for me until I could get them back.

Maybe it was that excitement I felt running through me that's caused me to work 
with another.  I've become addicted to coming close, and it's just easier to 
believe if you're working with somebody who believes too.

Leaving her behind no longer happened because I wanted to keep her safe, because 
of how I felt about her, it became about getting ahead myself, finding the 
answers that I thought I couldn't find with her.  

They were answers I thought I could only find with a woman who led me astray, 
and yet I willingly followed because she believed, and the one I wanted to work 
with didn't.

I felt no less for her though.  Together we came upon other answers to other 
cases.  Not only answers we were seeking to gain the X-Files back, but also 
answers for ourselves, answers to who we are to each other although neither of 
us have yet to figure it out for certain.

Or maybe I have figured it out for certain, maybe she has too, only we haven't 
shared our results.  Maybe she doesn't want to share, doesn't want to admit 
what's plainly in front of her face, and I haven't made it easy for her to do so 
either.

I run to the other woman, the woman who I believe will help me above and beyond 
all her own personal interests.  The woman I have trusted in the past, the woman 
I trusted only a year ago, the woman I believe won't let me down because she 
wants the truth as desperately as I do.

Maybe I'm the blind one.  Three years ago Scully didn't trust me, now I think it 
looks like I don't trust her. I have found my excuse to push her away, I cling 
to that very plan, defending the woman I'd kill if it meant keeping my partner 
alive and well in my life.  It's ironic to say the least.

But I love her.  Despite the damage I've caused, the damage I cause her now, I 
love her, and yet I continue to hurt her, it's as if I'm destined to hurt her 
time and time again despite how many times she's proven herself to me.

And I can't stop.  

Six years now, and what have I accomplished?  It's like the first day, I 
continue to drive her away, she continues to return.  Maybe it's her destiny to 
live out the pain as I inflict it upon her.

Maybe there's no easy escape for either of us in this world, we're trapped in 
our lives as we live them out.

Just maybe…

~*END*~