TITLE: Scully's Ritual

BY: Jolee Patkai

DISCLAIMER: All characters of X-Files belong to FOX and 1013
Productions.  Story is totally mine and mine alone...just a figment of
my imagination!!

                         
     


     Its happened again.  Actually, lately, it has been happening
     more and more often.  Waking up, with this knot in my
     stomach, and my hands clenched in fists, nails digging into
     my palms.  Once, there was blood, trickling down onto my
     favorite sheets.  Oh God...Why is this happening??  But I
     guess I already know the answer to that question..and
     besides, lately, God has been ever so silent!

     I look over to my bedside clock, and yes, as always the time
     is glowing at me, seeming to mock me.  I am not really
     surprised anymore, but still I can't help feeling like there is
     meaning to this ritual...this ritual I have sub-consciously
     played out, yet again.  My eyes are drawn to the numbers
     "11:21" and a slight chill ripples over my body.  Dragging
     the covers closer for warmth, I gaze up at the featureless
     ceiling and will him to come to me.  My heart thumps
     heavily in my breast, and saliva fills my mouth.  Damn,
     damn, damn him...damn him for being so foolish aa ..and
     stubborn and....!  Sickness swirls in my stomach, slowing
     clawing its way up my burning throat.  Rolling out of bed, I
     hurry to the bathroom and the toilet, pressing my hand
     against my mouth to stop the saliva from dripping.  This is
     only one of the many things that I have lost control over
     these past few months.  My body has a mind of it's own and
     I'm just along for the ride.  And a bumpy ride it has been.  

     I stop in the kitchen for a glass of water, swirling it around
     my mouth.  My hand drops to my swelling stomach and I
     rub in a circular motion.  Willing it to settle.  But what's the
     use...?  It will be at least an hour before I will find sleep
     again.  So it has been since he disappeared.  "MULDER",
     where are you???"  This is always the most difficult time for
     me.  Alone in my silent home, with nobody to talk with..not
     that I have anyone to talk with.  So suddenly these blue
     feelings overtake me, and I get so furious with myself.  I
     know it goes with the territory, but how much easier it
     would be if he was here with me!!  I have given up on
     Mom.  Shaking my head, I can feel the tears coming to the
     surface.  "Oh, Mom, why can't you understand??  This
     wasn't planned...how could it be??  I believed the tests,
     thought this miracle could never, ever be mine.  And how
     you cried when I told you, Mom..but now you ignore my
     calls, when I need you the most, you have forsaken me!"

     Setting the glass in the sink, I reluctantly return to my
     bed...my big, lonely bed.  So much lonelier now, since our
     time sharing it.  I close my eyes and lay curled upon my bed. 
     The life inside me flutters, and another shiver passes
     through my body.  This time, the shiver is one of excitement
     and wonder.  To think that our time of loving brought about
     this little life, growing inside me, getting a little bit bigger
     each day!!  Mulder, you knew how I yearned for a
     child...how I mourned Emily..still mourn my little girl.  I just
     know you would be so happy for me...for us!!  I've got to
     find you and share this with you.  You are the only one I
     want, I trust.  I've told Skinner, and he has kept my secret. 
     But this is starting to weigh heavily on me, and the time for
     concealing my condition is growing short.  Soon it will be
     noticed by everyone.  What will I tell them??  Why can't I
     sense you like I did upon my waking??  That magical time
     "11:21", the time you always called me to talk about cases
     or just the injustice of it all.  For this reason, I think...No..I
     know, that you are OK.  You're up there somewhere trying
     to speak to me, comfort me.  But right now, all I can feel, is
     my sadness and my loneliness.  I keep the memories of our
     times together close to me, always, but it is only at night,
     after waking, that I cannot be comforted.  I fight to keep the
     fear down deep inside me, for I know that if I let it loose, it
     will consume me and I will be lost.  

          Lost and alone...just like you, Mulder!  Oh
          God, why did this happen.  Just when we
          finally found each other, putting our fear of
          commitment aside and letting our true
          feelings out.  I think of you, with your
          beautiful eyes and soft mouth, your big nose
          only a mother could love...but I love that
          nose of yours, Mulder!  I feel myself finally
          drifting into sleep.  Morning will come too
          soon, and I will once again have to put on
          my straight face..and lie to the world!  My
          partner must not suspect anything is amiss. 
          Kersh must be kept at a distance.  His face
          floats before my eyes and I shudder.  Skinner
          is my only ally, and the one I can go to for
          comfort...but I hesitate to do this.  Not so
          long ago, we didn't trust him, remember,
          Mulder??  I guess the one good thing about
          being alone is that no one can hear me when
          I talk to you.  They would think me crazy! 
          But I know you can hear me and so I will
          continue this sad ritual.  Of waking each
          night when you call me and for that one
          moment, upon waking, feel you beside me,
          sending thrills through my body and making
          my memories come alive.  My eyes are heavy
          and with your sweet face in my head, on my
          mind....I sleep....