TITLE: My Love, My Enemy
AUTHOR: Dantzi Jean
E-MAIL: phantom_lass@hotmail.com
WEBSITE: http://www.geocities.com/myxfvoice
CATEGORY: SA, V, MSR, SPOV
RATING: PG
SPOLIERS: Anyone will recognize this stuff, from
"The End" and "The Beginning"
TIMELINE: 6th season, Diana Fowly stuff
DISCLAIMER: No names are mentioned so this one's
mine. HA HA HA! Take that Chris Carter!
ARCHIVE: Please do...but I would like a note first.
Keep names and header attached please.
FEEDBACK: Loved and respected. Please send
anything to care to say about my writing.
SUMMARY: Love does strange things to us all...

*****

I see him, I see her. Rage fills me. Rage at myself for
being weak, at her for being deceiving, at him for falling
for it and believing in it, and for believing in her. I hate
her, I hate him. Feelings, which are uncontrollable and
inescapable, assault my consciousness. I can no longer
think straight with him present, all I see is the image of
her in his mind and I cease to function as a ration and
sane human being.

I know my feelings are irrational, erratic, and downright
stupid. But what does love--or jealousy--know of sense
or logic. Ever fiber of my being vibrates with live anger.
I hate myself for needing him so much that I resort to
turning into the stereotypical wife who just found her
husband cheating on her. It's as if my heart no longer
hears what my brain is shouting at it.

He needs to be who he is, he needs to have the freedom
to explore other people, and who am I to say I lay claim
to him? Only his partner, only his collogue, only a co-
worker.

But at the same time, my heart droops and sobs mournful
tears. I feel I have lost him. Nothing holds him to me. I
have lost my delicate control. I have lost my power. I
once had the X-Files, I once shared his passion, but she
shares much more then I ever could with him. And with
his waning love for his work, his love wanes with me as
well.

I cry, yet, I hate myself for doing it. He is my weak point,
my sensitive nerve ending. With him, there is no pride,
only shame at how far I am willing to go for him. Nothing
is too much when it is he.

Will it be the same for me? Can I walk away for years at a
time, and receive his trust and love so willingly and
absolutely? Will my love for him matter; will he throw me
away or take me in? Will he have found someone else, as
he has now? Women throw themselves at him, and I know
he enjoys it, but he has never allowed one to enter his rough
exterior, his shell. But she can, she pierces his veil and sees
into him, and he allows her to. Whereas, my attempts have
all gone in vain or have taken years to accomplish.

Friendship, trust, comfort, these are the only things I share
with him. Will this be enough to keep him to my side, to
cement him in place? Will he stay with absence of love,
with absence of sex? What will I do if he leaves? Will I
mourn him? Will I curse him? Will I hate him?

I can never hate him. I know that. Even if I did I could
only do so for a day or two. Never for my life. Love works
like that, with a person doing everything to keep you at
arms length, even be able to harm you with words and
gestures, yet you keep coming back for more. No matter
how hard you try, those things, you don't hate him half as
much as you love him. You can't. Once you've committed
your heart to someone, it's impossible to feel anything
except love.

For this I am weak and frail. For this only he can kill me,
for this only he can make me happy. I hate my weakness,
my need for him. But yet when I am with him I savor it
and enjoy it. His presence can make all the things we face,
all the monsters we slay hide in the background and cease
to exist.

I wish that I could stop loving him, only so that these feelings
of rage against him would end, for that is my worst trait.
Hating him while loving him, only tortures myself. He is
unaware and does not notice the strong draw I have to him,
he does not sense my deep emotional fulfillment when he is
in the room. Even when we argue or fight he still makes me
happy.

He will always be my love and my enemy for that, I can only
love him more, and also for this do I hate him more.

Dantzi Jean
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http://www.geocities.com/myxfvoice