Love, If You Only Knew By: Bobbi < smberens1013@aol.com > Summary: During and Post 4-D.. Reyes POV Spoilers: 4-D Disclaimer: They're not mine! Category: DRR post-ep for 4-D Archive: XFMU, M2M, DRR Archives... anywhere else, ask me, I'll probably say yes! Rating: PG They say I shot him, shot John. They say I tried to kill him. Would I do that? You_ know_ I_ wouldn't. I could never bring myself to do that for any reason. I would gain nothing, and lose everything by doing that. What I feel for him... is too much to put into words. It's something I've never felt before, and the tragedy is that it took this to make me realize just how strong it was. You see, I don't like him. I_ love_ him. I love him, but I can't tell him. It's much more complicated than you could ever realize, much more complex than I could ever attempt to explain simply. If I told him, if I told him that I loved him... he_ might_reject_ me. Of course I see the way he looks at Dana, I would have to be blind not to. And every time he looks at her like that, my heart comes a step closer to breaking. Can't_ he_ see_ what_ he's_ doing? I wonder if he is even aware that he looks at her the way he does, or if it's more of a reflex than anything else. I just hope that, by the time I am finally comfortable enough to tell him how I feel, that he's not too far gone with his feelings for *her* that he'll just ignore me and shove me away again. I know what it's like to be shoved away, I know all too well. How he shoved me away during Luke's death, trying to isolate himself from everyone... well, it was justified then at least. He needed to isolate himself so that he could convince himself he was strong and able to make it alone; that he wasn't losing himself as he lost his son. And now... he_ wants_ me_ to_ pull_ the_ plug. Anything_ but_ that, anything. Sure I'm out of the FBI, you might even say I have nothing_ to_ lose... but let me be the one to tell you that you are wrong if that is indeed your presumption. Of course I won't lose anything in the line of work, I won't lose anything monetairily... so again you ask, what will I lose? Everything, is your answer. I will lose everything if I pull that plug and my theory turns out to be wrong. I will lose my past, my present, and my future... I will lose John, I_ will_ lose_ myself. '2 Doggetts in one world can't be right, you can fix," he communicates through this machine that he is hooked up to... this machine that allows him to communicate through the tapping of his fingers. I suppose that it should be of some comfort to me that he can communicate at all at this point, but to tell you the truth, I_ long_ to_ hear_ his_ voice_ more_ than_ anything. I need to hear his voice. Those big, blue, beautiful eyes look up at me. Telling me to pull the plug. Daring me to pull the plug. Darling, anything_ but_ this. Anything. "Cmon your theory is sound." My_ theory_ is_ sound. He doesn't believe that, but he wants me to believe that he believes that. Love, if you only knew what I knew, if you'd only seen what I've seen, if you only felt.... how I feel. But you don't and I am lost, I am lost _ as _ I _ am _ losing _ you. Do you not realize what sacrifices I would make for you, what sacrifices I have made for you? What sacrifice I would make for you now if I believed it myself? I_ would_ give_ everything. I do give everything for you. "Do U believe?" Do I believe? I'm not sure, but I.. I have to. "Prove_ it." Why do you always do this? Why do you dare me to prove everything? When people used to say that you could love someone and then hate someone, I didn't see how it could be true. Now I do. I love you_ for_ you. I hate you for what you want me to do, what you expect me_ to_ do_ so_ readily. Do you actually expect me to do this, or are you testing me? I cannot do this. I cannot do this to you or me. Anything_but_this. I would do anything else, I would give_you_everything_else. We learn over the course of our lives. We also love. Who we love is something we can't control, even if they don't love us back. We must cling to that hope. I_ must_ cling to that hope. I must cling to you. Don't hate me for it, love. I honestly don't think I could live with you hating me. I can't live with you loving me because I must face the reality that the cold, hard truth is that it will probably never happen... and yet I can't live with you hating me because I_do_love_you, and if you loved_me_like_I_love_you, then I wouldn't need anything else in this world. This_ isn't_ about_ my theory, John. This_is_about_you not wanting to live like this. I can't say I blame you, and I can't begin to imagine how you feel at the moment. I can't shake the notion that in some way, this was my fault, even though I don't see how. Maybe_it's_just_that_what everyone is saying has gotten to me. They_think_I_did_this. I_could_never_do_this. Please know that. And I know you do. I_can_see_it_in_your_eyes, and_hear_it_in_your_unspoken_words. You were there at my house at one moment, and gone_the_next. You're the one who defied rationalism this time, you know. You were right there, hotdog in hand, well, polish sausage, I went to get the phone... and then you_were_gone. Then_came_the_call. You know as well as I do that you can't go from one end of town to another that quick. Support_for_my_theory. But not enough, love. Even if I manage to amass enough, will I be able to do this? Will I be able to_pull_the_plug? Love, if you_only_knew. Then, perhaps maybe you would understand why I can't, at least not now. Evidence-- you_want_me_to_pull_this_plug, I'm going to need more than I have now. So I'm leaving. I_shall_be_back. I won't leave you, and you know this, love. I couldn't leave you if I was made to. If I find enough to prove this theory, then I will... I will_pull_the_plug. If not, then_you_will_live_like_this. If you live like this, I will still not_leave_you. I will be with you then_more_than_ever. I will be the last to go. I will be there, no matter what happens. Love, you_know_I_will_be_back. I will not dessert you. Evidence... here's_your_evidence. I promised to return, and here_I_am. Even though it almost cost my life, here I am. I am now more convinced than ever that Lukesh is somehow switching back and forth between two dimensions, messing_with_our_minds, messing everything up. I'm_not_sure_how_he_does_it, but I am more sure than ever that he does. Pull_the_plug. It's what I'm_here_to_do, but can I? Love... if you only knew, what was holding_me_back. It's not just a theory, you see. I do believe that my theory is sound, as you said, but there is always_that_small_what_if. I have everything_to_lose. But then, you can't lose what you never had. Your_big_beautiful_blue_eyes... telling me to do this. Tears_fall_like_a_river. If this is life, I think I'd_rather_take_something_else. I hurt for you, I feel for you, I_feel_for_the_us_that_can_never_be. If this is not real... are_we_real? I'm so afraid to wake up and discover_that_this_has_all_been_some_fantasy. I've never known pain as I do now, and never had a fear so strong as I fear now. Though_I_walk_in_the_valley_of_fear... you are by my side. I_need_to_do_this. We will never be back to normal if I don't, and Lord knows what else will happen. We_can't_keep_on_living_this_twisted_reality. Love_this_is_it. I need you now. The_warmth_and_strength of your hand beneath_mine_reassures_me, but it_is_not_enough_to stop_the barrage of tears. I_pull_the_plug... Because_you_ask_me_to_and_because_I_am_certain. I remember vaguely, but_ I_ don't_ really_ remember, so I don't know if you could say I remember or not. I_ vaguely_ remember... being accused. Of something, I'm not sure what. I remember being accused of something that I would never do. I remember.... dying? But then if I died, why am I here? It_ doesn't_ make_ any_ sense. Or maybe it does, in its own way. Maybe it's the connection I'm not seeing, a connection I'm not meant to see. Or maybe I am seeing it, it's just buried so deep in my memory that I can't excavate it to analyze it, to unearth the truths and catalogue them. Perhaps_ these_ are_ truths_ that_ aren't_ meant_ to_ be_ catalogued. I_ almost_ lost_ you_ love. I can't remember how, but I remember almost losing. I almost lost him. I came so close to losing him. I don't know how. Perhaps how doesn't matter. Perhaps_ why_ doesn't_ matter. Perhaps_ it's_only_'what'_ that_ does. And if it's that he's here with me, if John is here with me, if_ he's_ alive... then that's really all that matters. That's_ all_ that_ should_ matter. It's not as much as a matter of finding out what happened as finding out why it happened. I am a firm believer in the principle that everything happens for a reason. I_pulled_the_plug. I trusted you implicitly, as_you_trusted_me. That's a step in itself, quite_a_large_one_at_that. But for now, let's just eat our hotdogs-- polish sausage... without_plates. One_step_at_a_time. I_ need_this_hug. I need_this_closeness to make sure you're_not_a_dream. What's_wrong, you ask? I'm_good. And_that's_the_truth. But_only_half. Love, if_you_only_knew... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FIN: smberens1013@aol.com