TITLE: Graveside Questions AUTHOR: Rae SPOILERS: William DISCLAIMER: ::snort:: DISTRIBUTION: Please ask. I'll most likely be thrilled and say yes. FEEDBACK: ultimateXFfan@aol.com THANKS: ga and Sallie read this late last night and then they sent me some amazing feedback that made me feel really really good. :) Thanks to all the members at IWTB for continuing to inspire, for creating a wonderful atmosphere in which to work. Graveside Questions Hi there. I brought you some fresh flowers. I see that the daffodils didn't last too long this time; maybe these daisies will be stronger. You always liked daisies. At least you have fresh flowers. Sometimes I feel that no one ever visits the dead. As soon as you pass, people forget you. I almost didn't come. I was so angry with you. I don't know if I'll ever come again. Just know that it isn't because I've forgotten you; only that I can't forget. I found your hidden papers today. Did you think I'd never find them? You must have thought I'd never discover your little secret, hidden in the false siding of the cedar chest. The pain of your death is still so new, so raw. Losing a parent isn't an easy thing. I can still remember mourning Dad when he passed away two years ago. But to learn that you weren't even really my parents to begin with -- how can I even begin to reconcile this? One thought keeps running through my mind. Every single word from your mouth has been a lie. You and Father continuously lied to me. Every question was met with a sidestep from the both of you: The red hair and blue eyes aren't a re-emerging gene from your great- grandfather who caught a boat from Ireland. I wasn't an only child for the simple fact that you wanted to lavish all your love on one child -- you couldn't bear any children at all. Why didn't you tell me? Now that I know the truth, you're not here to answer for what you've done. The lies continue from the grave. All the questions...there are so many. The documents only give me a place from which to start with all the whys. Did you know my birth mother? Did she want to give me up, or was she forced to? Was she a young teen mother who couldn't take on the responsibility of a newborn baby? Did I nurse from her breast? And what about my father? Does he know of my existence? Was giving me up a decision the two of them made together? Did they cry as they handed me over? Or were they happy to be rid of me? I honestly believe I could deal with that fact. I just want to know the truth, whatever it is. Do they ever think of me? Wonder if I'm happy? Do they dream that the small baby they held eighteen years ago grew up to be a responsible young man with unruly red hair and a love for basketball? If they had kept me, would they have warned me that I could be colorblind like one of them, and that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to carry a tune? Did they go on to have other children? I may have brothers and sisters I don't even know about. Will I unknowingly meet a long-lost sibling years from now as I stand in line to get coffee? Have I passed them on the street a thousand times already, never guessing that we were related? I've heard that sealed records are impossible to breach. My friend, Kevin, the one you were always worried about, the one you thought would end up behind bars...he says he can probably hack into the county or state records for me. By the time I'm finished here, he should have some answers for me. Imagine that -- in one hour, I'll find out more about myself than I ever learned from you. Kevin keeps telling me that I shouldn't be angry with you, that all you did was take a baby boy into your home and love him. Maybe one day I'll see it that way. Hell, maybe I'll even see it that way once I know the whole story. It's just the fact that you kept it hidden. Would it have been so horrible for me to know that you didn't give birth to me? One more question before I leave. Is my name really William? end all of my stories can be found at: http://www.geocities.com/rachellee7/fanfic.html